Livin' for the City
by BrilliantDarkness
Summary: AU. It is 1960 in Detroit, MI and our boys are just a bunch of teens from the wrong side of the tracks. And grammatical errors are intentional for the characters.
1. Chapter 1

Spring 1960, I was living in Detroit like I had my whole stupid life to that point. Eighteen I was that year and it was the first time I wasn't dealing with the dumb ass questions about why I wasn't in school. Yeah, I did my time at that. I got caught in a holding pattern in the 9th grade and stuck it out until I was old enough to drop out. I honestly think old Hannity the principal was happier to see me gone than I was to be going-though it might have been a tie. I'm not dumb or anything and I don't try to get into trouble but trouble seems to come looking for me and I ain't got good enough at dodging it yet. Or I hadn't then. Besides, I had enough years in auto shop to get a job working for Al at his garage. It was an honest living anyway and Al was good people. Sure, us kids used to joke behind his back about how he'd go on with his stories and his advice but we all kept coming back around to hang out with him and it wasn't just 'cause he'd offer work to a bunch of drop outs and delinquents. Wasn't a one of us had a decent home to go to. If any of us had two parents to live with, at least one of 'em was too drunk to know we was there. Sure, we all had parents but for all the good they ever did us, we wasn't no better off than orphans. Hell, it was worse 'cause at least people feel sorry for orphans and try to help 'em. The only person ever showed a one of us even a little bit of kindness or understanding was Al. Okay, that's not all true. There was Al's neighbor lady Emma. How a decent lady like that ended up living in that dump of a house in that part of town, I still don't know. Woman like that should've took one look at us and got a few more locks for her door but she didn't. She'd spend her days cooking and when the other kids got out of school and stopped by to help Al, or just listen to his stories, or really just avoid going home, she'd bring the food. If it wasn't for her, I don't think any of us would've known what a home cooked meal tasted like. Best we got was a burger if we could scrape together a couple nickels.

We wasn't bad kids, none of us. I know we looked tough but you have to understand that looking tough was the best way to keep from getting your ass kicked and getting your ass kicked was a real danger where we lived. Don't get me wrong, I love Detroit. It's a cool town and all. But we didn't get to see as much of the cool parts as some other folks did.

But then, I wasn't legally a kid no more. It didn't matter much to me one way or the other. I'd been taking care of myself as long as I remembered so there wasn't any more responsibility. It did mean I'd have to get better dodging when trouble came calling though 'cause my days of juvie were long gone. Working for Al made easy work of that. I moved into a spare room Al had over the garage and spent most of every day working so I didn't have much chance for trouble and, like I said, I never went looking for it to begin with. And it was starting to seem like I'd shaken it for good. I had a job and some good friends and a place of my own where I didn't have to sit and watch my folks get hammered and fight. That gets mighty old after a while. Or maybe it was just the fact that it was spring and for some sappy reason spring always made me feel like there was a second chance for everyone. Hell, even the Tigers were looking like contenders to me at that point. Of course when you break training camp with Norm Cash, Al Kaline and Jim Bunning on your roster, it's easy to get cocky. Or maybe it's just the God given right of baseball fans to feel optimistic in April. I take some heat from Al about rooting for the Tigers but then he's from somewhere down south and roots for the Athletics. Even I could tell out of the gate, the A's weren't going to do anything and for the record they finished dead last that season. My guys didn't do much better but they did do better.

It was funny how well I got along with Al, we didn't have a hell of a lot in common but then I suspect that maybe if I had known him when he'd been my age that we'd have shared a lot more than most would think. As for the rest of the guys, they weren't much younger than me. Couple were the same age but they stayed in school. Kid, we didn't find out until years later what his name really was so we always just called him 'Kid'. If he hadn't-well, now I'm just getting ahead of myself here. His real name don't matter one bit. He was a good friend and probably the closest thing to a brother I ever had. Anyway, Kid tried to convince me to stay in school but the rate I was going I would have been lucky to graduate with his girlfriend's kid sister and she had to have been a good ten years younger. 'Sides, I could read and write and had a trade, school was just a little more crap from people who thought they were superior and weren't than I was able to deal with at that age. I've mellowed some but I still don't think I'd be able to handle old Hannity. Even Al, who tried to lecture me about having respect for my elders, whether they were my betters or not, called Hannity a pompous ass.

Man, it's tough to think on Kid sometimes. We was real tight like I said. He was something else though, always seemed to know what everyone else ought to do. The number of times I wanted to punch his lights out, well, I lost count and he did take me out a few times. He had a pretty good right cross if I recall correct. But I guess that just made us more like brothers. We fought and butted heads but he was always there when the trouble tracked me down and if I could've been there, well, again I'm getting ahead of myself. Let's just say, if things were in my control, I would've laid down my life for his.

Now Lou, Kid's girl, was something back in the day, as the kids nowadays might say. She had spunk, that was for sure and she wasn't like any girl I ever knew. Oh she could look just as pretty in a dress as any of the rest, even if she didn't fill it like some did, but she could also get her hands dirty under the hood of a car just like a man and was just as likely to fix the damned thing. She and Kid married nearly right out of high school and I know everyone thought it was 'cause they had to but that wasn't the case at all. Hell, nearly everyone that got married those days it seemed did it right out of high school. Only reason anyone tried to say anything about Kid and Lou was the side of the tracks we came from. I'll say it's a damned good thing Lou was the way she was, not many girls or even women would put up with our rowdy lot. I'll tell you though, I loved Lou as much as I did Kid. Takes a lot of years for a man to be able to admit feelings like that, especially coming from the times I did. Kid was like a brother and I loved him as such, ain't no shame in a man loving his brother. Hell, things I've seen in my life, I'll go as far as to say there ain't no shame in any love. The Beatles told us it was all we need and you know, those guys might've just had it right. I know there sure ain't enough of it going around these days. Now there were plenty of times that Kid doubted what I am about to say and those are the very times I learned about that right cross of his, but I loved Lou like a sister. I won't deny she was a beautiful girl and I'll even admit that the first time I saw her, I contemplated some impure thoughts. If Kid hadn't fallen head over heels for her at practically the same moment he first spotted her, maybe I would have even acted on those thoughts. But my best friend was in love with this girl and I wasn't going to be the guy to stand in the way of that. Besides, by the time I saw Lou that day, I had sworn of females for good. Yeah, that is something people say but I did a right fine job of keeping to it for a while. I won't say I didn't look 'cause that would be a lie. But looking ain't talking and it's even farther from touching.

I was real good at falling in love in those days. Not good at any of the things that come after and before you give me that look, that ain't what I'm talking about. Most of the girls I seemed to take a shine to weren't loose. Though the times that one would put out, as we used to call it, I didn't get any complaints. I'm talking about the other stuff, like listening to her and being sensitive and all those things that some guys are naturally good at and the rest of us have to learn or else take up a life of bachelorhood. My skill at falling in love was a good deal of how I would get in the crosshairs of trouble and so I swore off women and girls and well everyone of the female persuasion except Emma, Lou and Lou's baby sister Theresa. I took some ribbing for it, that's for sure but it was safer for me that way.

So this one day, I'm armpit deep in some lady's old Ford that was so far on its last legs, I would have liked to have gotten it a wheelchair and the rest of the guys come in laughing. I looked up and saw they were kind of teasing at Ike and he was blushing redder than Gordie Howe's sweater. Ike was a year younger than me, I guess. He was so quiet too. I think in all the time I knew him I might've heard a dozen words from him. He was a gentle sort. He'd stick up for his own but didn't always stick up for himself, especially against our bunch. Now we never teased him to be hurtful and I think he knew there was tenderness behind it and we didn't tease him anymore than what the rest of us took either. The difference was that the rest of us gave as good as we got and he rarely got any of us back for it. That day though there was something different. He was blushing sure but there was something about his smile that said that no amount of joshing around was going to upset him too bad. That kid was in love and I could tell just looking at him. Well, I guess any of us could because when someone is that quiet, you'd better learn to read him somehow. As much as the rest were jabbing at him, Buck was still sort of guarding him too. If Kid and I were close as brothers then Buck and Ike were close as identical twins. You know how they say that twins sometimes make up their own language that no one else understands? Well, that was those two. They grew up on the same floor of the same run down piece of crap apartment building and, though they each lived with a mother and a father; they didn't have one real parent between the two of them. Ike's folks worked so much, they were never there. Of course neither one of them made enough to keep a mouse alive, let alone Ike and his sister. Buck's dad was a mean drunk and his mom had checked out mentally years earlier. She just sat there and stared ahead. I saw it once and, while you might not believe it, she didn't even react to getting hit. I don't know where her mind was but it wasn't in that dump of a flat.

I looked up from the car that I wasn't so sure I'd be able to patch together this time and smiled too at their merriment.

"What's her name, Ike?" I asked. No one even batted an eye that I had figured out the reason for the laughter and teasing. It's funny, I know I asked Ike the question but I also know I looked to Buck for the answer. I'm sure that was just habit and it was Buck who answered.

"Annie, she just transferred in and she's in his homeroom."

I just smiled. I didn't feel like teasing the guy at all. And if he wanted my input, he'd seek me out.

"Jimmy," I heard Al holler at me from across the garage, "Do I pay you to sit around shooting the breeze with your little friends?"

"Al," I answered, "You hardly pay me at all." I stared at him all serious but neither one of us was. It was sort of a ritual we had. Truth was he paid a decent wage for a drop out with a reputation like mine and he knew I'd been working hard all day. After a pause so that he could assess the situation, he spoke.

"Looks like the old adage is right, here it is spring and that young man's fancy has turned to love," he paused again admiring his wit, "Don't let 'em get to you Ike. Ain't nothing sweeter than love except for young love and that's what you got."

We joked plenty about Al's little pearls of wisdom but didn't none of us have a dad we could count on outside that garage and we'd have been lost, every one of us, if not for that man.

"Al," I said bringing his attention away from poor love struck Ike, "I think we're gonna have to sign the death certificate on Mrs. Jenkins' car. I might be able to get her running again but there's no way that poor lady could afford what it would take."

"She can't afford another car neither, Jimmy," he said back.

I shook my head, knowing the truth of his words but also knowing they didn't change anything about the condition of that poor Ford.

"She's riding the bus now. If she cuts her losses on this heap, she could save for another and start that saving with what she was going to pay us."

Al considered this a bit. Some other mechanics wouldn't think like this, they'd fix the car and charge her even more than they ought just because Mrs. Jenkins is a woman on her own and doesn't know about cars. Whatever anyone ever thought or said about me, and I'm sure there's many out there that have said and thought plenty and most of it not too kind, but whatever else might be true, it ain't in my nature to cheat someone like that, especially not a woman. Al was the same way. It was why we didn't only have poor customers from the neighborhood; wealthier woman came from the better parts of town to have their cars worked on because they knew they wouldn't get taken advantage of. It was a reputation I was proud of-still am.

Al finally made up his mind. "I'll give her a call," he said.

About then I heard the ding that told me someone had just pulled into the driveway and I went out, doing my best to wipe the grease off my hands as I went. I remember I looked up to see what was up and that quick I was in love. Of course I don't know a red blooded American man who wouldn't fall head over heels at first sight with a cherry red 1958 Corvette. I will swear to my dying day that the Corvette was the best idea those GM boys ever had, even if they did start looking a little like every other sports car for a few years in the '90's. But whatever they looked like later and whatever they look like now ain't nothing prettier than a late '50's or early '60's 'Vette. You can look it up. Google it as the grandkids say.

So I was nearly drooling over this car and the thought that I'd be getting my hands on her soon when I heard the motor cut off and with it cutting off Frankie Lymon singing about fools falling in love. That song was a couple years old by then but it's still a damned fine song and poses a pretty good question. The driver's side door opened and for the second time in the span of about a minute and a half, I fell in love and I fell hard. Now maybe that had something to do with my weakened state from seeing that 'Vette or maybe it was 'cause love was on my mind what with Ike's new lady or maybe it was 'cause it had been a good year at least since I had sworn off women but it was a good thing my name was on my coveralls so I could look down and see it. I wouldn't've known it otherwise.

* * *

><p><strong>Okay, this is not our typical TYR fare and I know that but the idea came to me the other day when I was listening to Billy Joel's "The Longest Time" off of the Innocent Man album. It's not that the song lyrics inspired this so much as the doo-wop nature of it...hence the reference to Frankie Lymon's "Why Do Fools Fall in Love?" The title actually is a song by Stevie Wonder who is from Michigan and was actually educated right here in the Capital City of Lansing. Talking about the Tigers is part because it starts in the spring and so does baseball season but also because I recently found out that Wild Bill was a huge baseball fan. <strong>

**Um...Oh yeah, Al is Teaspoon if you didn't figure that out, though I am sure you all did. And if I referenced anything else in here that is not clear, let me know...Oh, I know...Gordie Howe was a hockey player...one of the best ever and 1960 was part of his playing career which was almost entirely spent as a Detroit Red Wing and hockey jerseys are more properly known as sweaters so "Red as Gordie Howe's sweater" was pretty darned red.**

**So...yeah...that's all I guess...I'd like to know what you all think...I don't typically go all AU but I am having fun playing pretend with the gang. I had to take some liberties for the sake of realism for that time period but I think I kept things pretty believable for the most part...you tell me. Kisses!-J**


	2. Chapter 2

I know I stood there looking like a dope for a minute but if she noticed, she didn't say nothing. Maybe she thought I was gawking at the car, or maybe she knew I wasn't, I'll never know for sure. I know I never asked her. I recovered quickly enough; before things got too weird between us anyway.

"What can I help you with today, Miss?"

I hardly knew where to look at her. She was built like damned few girls I knew and I was pretty sure she wasn't no older than me. I know if she hadn't had that face, I'd of been damned rude with where my eyes would've gone. But she did have that face. It wasn't a face that would have been on the cover of a magazine but then I've never been one to have someone else tell me what I ought to like or think. Her face was what you would call interesting. Her dark eyes seemed to sparkle at me like there was a joke we shared or maybe one that I wasn't in on. Her mouth formed an easy and welcoming smile and she had a nose that was by far larger than what I was used to seeing around the neighborhood; not that anyone in the neighborhood was driving a car that hot or wore clothes that cost that much. Her hair was a dark mass of curls pulled into a tail high on her head and tied with a red ribbon that matched her sweater that was just draped over her shoulders. She tilted her head at me and those curls bounced like little springs.

"Well," she paused reading the patch on my coveralls, "Jimmy, it's making a noise and seems not to want to take off when I want to."

I couldn't believe my luck; a mysterious noise and a lack of get up and go would require me to drive this choice automobile.

"I can take a look at her for you but I won't be able to get to it 'til tomorrow."

"Oh, I figured that," she said. I once heard someone described as 'breezy' and I guess that was how she talked to me that day. "I knew you would be close to closing time but traffic was a bear. I don't mind coming back tomorrow afternoon."

She smiled at me and looked down as if embarrassed. I know that look. Young as I was back then, I had seen that look from plenty of girls but I don't think I'd ever had it affect me like it did that time. It was a flirting look and I was hoping she wasn't the type to flirt for the sake of flirting. I don't mind the playing for no stakes or nothing but when you've already fallen for the girl, that kind of flirting is just plain mean. I wasn't sure what to say next but luckily I spotted Mrs. Jenkins walking up.

"Afternoon Mrs. Jenkins," I said and I was kind of sad 'cause I knew why she was there, "Al's in his office with the boys."

I shook my head and for a moment forgot all about the young lady standing next to the shiny car of my dreams.

"She looks upset," I heard the girl say, "Is she alright?"

"I'm not sure; she's getting some bad news about her old Ford."

"You care about that woman, don't you?" she asked as if she was trying to believe it.

"She's a nice lady. She's been bringing her car here since before I was working for Al and I know she was really hoping to limp that car along just a little bit longer," I said shaking my head, "I wish I could've done it for her too."

"What is she going to do now?" she asked.

"Keep riding the bus and saving the money she would've been spending here for another used car."

She seemed to think about what I said for a moment, or maybe about how I said it. I guess I ought to explain that Mrs. Jenkins was a Negro and even though we was in Michigan and not Mississippi, there was still racism and don't let no one tell you different. Negroes, blacks or Afro-Americans they say nowadays, could get a job, sure but they wasn't making the same wages and when they went to buy homes, they was unofficially segregated. No one ever said out loud they couldn't live certain places but it was suggested to them that they'd be more comfortable with their own kind; as if we wasn't all just folks. And Negroes was charged a lot more money for a lot less house. It's things like that lead to the riots. Yeah, that's me getting ahead of the story again. But I think it might've seemed odd to someone that a white punk-looking guy like me would have that tenderness for an old negro woman and I'll admit now that she probably wasn't even fifty years old then but I was young so that seemed right old to me and she had some rough years behind her so she wasn't looking her age at all.

I turned my attention fully to the girl with the 'Vette and set about getting her name and number in case I needed to call her about her car. I wasn't shy at all around females normally unless I like 'em and I was thinking I liked this one an awful lot so I for sure wasn't going to try to be smooth and get her number for myself. Her name was Cohen, Joan Cohen but I should call her Joanie. She wrote the number and I couldn't believe it. She had driven clear from Bloomfield Hills. I knew we had a good reputation but good grief that was really something.

"I'll call you a cab, Miss-uh, Joanie."

"Nonsense, I'll just take the bus. I wouldn't want to be a trouble to you or your boss."

I saw her eyes raise and look past me. I figured Al was standing there. He had a way of sneaking up on people.

"Wouldn't be no trouble at all, Miss," Al butted in, "In fact, I'm sure Jimmy here could see you home safe."

I was about to argue against it, I was sure this woman didn't want to spend that much time with the likes of me, in my rust bucket of a car. But before I could say a word, she smiled and said that if I was sure it wasn't any trouble she'd sure appreciate a ride home. Well, I wasn't going to say no to that smile and it really was a right nice day for a drive. I heard the ribbing that came from the guys as I was helping her into my car. I don't know which was making me blush more, their teasing or my car. Normally I was pretty proud of that old car 'cause most guys my age and in that part of town didn't even have a piece of crap to drive. As I was walking around the car after shutting her door behind her I heard the one voice I was kind of hoping not to-Billy's. Billy was a good guy and I'd never deny that, not ever. His family was better off and, well, just better than anything we had. His dad worked the River Rouge. He was just a line worker but that paid way better than any of our folks had ever known. Billy's mom stayed home and did the stuff that mom's on TV did. She baked pies and wore pearls to dust the furniture and played bridge; and with her blonde hair and blue eyes, she even looked a little bit like Donna Reed. I once asked him if he was Wally or the Beaver. I was trying to get him as mad as he sometimes made me but he just smiled and cracked a joke the likes of which I won't repeat in mixed company. You just couldn't get under that guy's skin. I don't know why he hung with our crowd at all. Somehow I think his dad and Al knew each other, old Army buddies or something. I know they both were over kicking Nazi ass in WWII. I sure as hell heard enough stories about it from Al. So here was Billy and I just knew I'd hear something from him 'cause he'd been there to see some of my previous attempts at love and my decision to wash my hands of the fairer sex entirely. I cringed and then it came.

"Alright Wild Bill! Freaking A!"

I got in the car and held my breath. Joanie was a classy girl and I was sure she didn't normally hang around guys like us. The other guys looked a little more respectable since they had just come from school. They were all in their chinos with their button up shirts so old Hannity wouldn't bust their asses about dress code. I did take a minute to peel off the greasy coveralls but that still left me in jeans and a white t-shirt and my leather jacket. I looked cool and tough in our neighborhood but I'm sure I looked like a hood compared to the guys she was probably used to. I looked over at her and she just sat there like she rode around with greasy delinquents every day. I had a thought that maybe she did. I knew girls that had a thing for the bad boys. I got sucked into a couple of those and got my heart broke but good. Something about her told me that she didn't go slumming a great deal though. I pulled away from Al's garage and started making my way down Woodward making sure to keep quiet.

"Who was the guy who drove up as we were leaving?" she asked after the first turn off.

"Billy Cody. He's a good guy but he likes to yank my chain a little too much."

"Why did he call you 'Wild Bill'?"

I laughed.

"I really don't want to say," I said and I probably blushed too. So much for being a tough guy and really I didn't care so much if she knew I wasn't that tough. I didn't figure she had a gang waiting to jump me in Bloomfield Freaking Hills.

It was quiet for a few blocks and I stole a glance out of the corner of my eye hoping she wasn't imagining some horrible reason I would've picked up such a name. Just the opposite seemed to be true. Her window was rolled a little ways down taking advantage of one of the first really nice warm days we had that spring. Her eyes were closed and I could tell she was enjoying the sun. See, here's the thing about Michigan and I guess nearly every place that far north and farther even, the sun shines all year 'round just like anywhere else but in the winter, you can't feel it. There's no heat to it. I saw some show one day on Science Channel or Discovery or one of those freaking things they have now-honestly, how many channels does a body need? Anyway, the show explained the tilt of the earth and I could see how in winter Michigan and places like it were just tilted too far away. Funny, you don't really notice the lack of that warmth but when it comes back, you sure feel it and it feels right good. So there she was with the wind coming through the little bit the window was open, her eyes closed just feeling that first warm of spring and smiling. A couple more glances were spent studying that nose. I guess it wasn't that different from the one that Mrs. Goldstein whose husband had the butcher shop a couple blocks down had but there was no way I was going to see the similarity between this fresh faced girl of my own age and that sour old bat who only ever spoke to me when she was telling me to get a haircut. A couple of years later and there wasn't a soul in the country, or many other places either I guess, who didn't know who Barbra Streisand was and if she had been well known, I might have been able to see the resemblance. But what did I know from different religions? I would say at that time in my life I had never seen the inside of a church or any other house of worship.

I turned my eyes back to the road and tried to stay focused on traffic. I heard in some corner of my head her shifting in her seat next to me and then she spoke.

"If I don't get to know how you got your nickname, can I at least know the full name of the kind gentleman whose hospitality I am enjoying?"

"Hickok," I said, "James Butler Hickok, most everyone calls me Jimmy though."

"James," she repeated, "That's a very dignified name. What do you do for fun, James Hickok?"

"Don't get around to much of that and when I used to, it seemed to lead to way too much trouble."

She looked like she didn't believe me and I know I got defensive.

"What did you think I'd tell you I get drunk and boost cars for fun?"

Yeah, I sure could be a first class jerk when I put my mind to it. I was just so sure she was judging me and no matter how pretty she and her little car were, I wasn't going to stand for that.

"James," she said real quiet so I almost couldn't hear over the little bit of wind coming in the windows, "I didn't mean that; I really didn't."

She turned her head and looked out the window. I knew she was angry and hurt. Like I said before, I was real good at falling in love and not so good at the rest of it. I felt real bad about making her upset but being me, I blamed her for making me feel guilty and, well, it would have been better if I'd just kept quiet the rest of the drive. But, no, I couldn't do the smart thing just once in my sorry ass life.

"Why the hell did you haul yourself all the way from Bloomfield Hills anyway? Got a weakness for juvenile delinquents or was I just your charity case for the month?"

By this time I was in her neighborhood and I was actually starting to regret saying those things, not for the reason I should have regretted it but because I needed to know where to turn. I was at a stop sign when she bolted from the car. I really did feel bad that she ran off crying like that and that I hadn't seen her to her house like I said I would. I drove around the block to get myself headed back to my crummy life and tried not to notice as I passed her saddle shoes and crinolined skirt beating a path down the sidewalk. I did notice though and it stabbed a little at my chest. It made me madder that she had the power to make me feel like that and I drove the rest of the way back to Al's mad as hell at her.

* * *

><p>I walked into Al's office and the rest of the gang was still there with Emma beaming as she watched them all eating. Emma didn't have no kids of her own that I knew of so I guess she put her maternal urges onto us. If I was a more religious man, I might think that God sent her to us and us to her. She needed someone to mother and I don't know many kids what needed mothering more than us.<p>

"I'll get started on the 'Vette in the morning, Al," I said before backing out of the room and heading up to my place. I say my place like it was a home or something but it was really a john and a room that did triple duty as bedroom, living room and kitchen. It surely wasn't anything like the houses I'd seen just a bit before in Joanie's neighborhood.

I grabbed a beer out of the fridge and pried the cap off it before sticking the bottle opener back to the side of the fridge by its little magnet. I sat down on the sofa and just sat there staring ahead of me for long enough that my beer got warm before I even moved. I wouldn't have moved then even but there was a knock at my door. I figured Al was wanting to talk and give me some advice. I probably needed it but I sure the hell didn't want it. I was even a little concerned that Joanie had called and told him how I acted. Something like that could put me out of a job pretty quick. I went over to the door and I can tell you I was real surprised to see Emma standing there. She knew where I lived but I don't think she'd ever been up to visit before then. I stepped back so she could come in if she wanted. She didn't even think twice about it. We might've looked like a bunch of hoodlums but she knew us better than that.

"Hey Emma," I said.

"I brought you some supper," she said and she didn't sound annoyed that she'd had to walk up the stairs to bring it or that I hadn't stayed. She sounded sad for me. I was more than a little cheesed off that she'd have the nerve to feel sad for me but then I couldn't hold that anger against her, even if I hadn't been using all my energy to be sore at Joanie, I wouldn't have been able to be mad at Emma.

"What's her name?" she asked. I was surprised because I thought the others would've told her.

"Joanie Cohen," I said, "It don't matter though."

"From what Mr. Hunter was saying, it matters quite a lot," she said. It was funny, she was real cool about not nagging us about how we looked and dressed but she was so formal sometimes. She always called Al 'Mr. Hunter'.

"He seemed to think that young lady might be sweet on you."

"Maybe she was and maybe she wasn't but I can guarantee that if she was, she ain't no more," I said and then proceeded to pour my heart out to Emma. I told her everything I knew about Joanie and all about the ride and how she looked so comfortable with me and how she was so confident in a way girls from our neck of the woods aren't. Lou was a confident girl but Lou had a chip on her shoulder and she always had to prove she could back up her claims. Joanie came from a world where she had to prove nothing, she just was and everything was just accepted. I told Emma everything I said and she frowned at me a bit and then sighed like she needed a breeze to clean the knowledge from her.

"I don't know her and I can't guarantee anything but I suspect that you'll see her again when she comes to get that car tomorrow," Emma said, "And if she's as self assured as you say, she'll be here herself. Try saying you're sorry. She might not accept it but then again, she might. This was just a misunderstanding after all."

* * *

><p><strong>So, after a lengthy discussion with the other half, I decided that since I was taking these characters out of the context of their original timeline that I had removed them completely so they will exist only in this world for the purpose of the story...so Hickok and cody are not historically significant names in this story. Again, anything that is unclear, I am more than willing to explain as far as references go. Oh when I say Cody's dad worked the River Rouge, that's the Ford plant. Saying the River Rouge or just the Rouge sometimes in detroit is like saying "the Olds" here in Lansing. Even though GM doesn't make Oldsmobiles anymore, when they did, they were made here in Lansing so someone working at GM would often say they worked at "the Olds" some might even still say it even though working GM inn Lansing now means making Caddies and maybe a couple models of Chevy, I think. So if there's anything else you don't quite get, let me know and I'll gladly have you talking like a Michigander in no time (and we are most certainly NOT Michiganians-just saying). Love to you all!-J<strong>


	3. Chapter 3

I didn't sleep much that night and I know I was a bear the next day. Al tried to talk to me a couple times in the morning but after the second time I bit his head off he quit trying. I took the 'Vette out just before breaking for lunch and that improved my mood a lot. I guess Al could tell I was feeling a little better 'cause he put a hand on my shoulder as I was getting out of that wonderful car and offered to buy me a burger for lunch. We walked the half block to the corner and into the little diner. Al waited until I was partway through my food and coke before he spoke and I suspect he was waiting for me to take a big bite out of that burger so my mouth would be full and I'd have to listen at least for a while.

"Son," he began and I'll tell you if anyone else, my own father included, had ever called me that, I would have slugged him but from Al, it made me feel almost proud. "I know Emma talked to you and she probably gave you some good advice and you should follow whatever she said."

He paused as he often did while talking. I think he sometimes fancied himself some great oracle that people would come to and hang on his every word. If you got past how much he loved hearing himself talk, he actually had some good stuff to say. I stayed quiet right then because I knew he wasn't done and he wasn't mad at me and he might have something useful to say.

"I just want you to consider something. I know you are always on edge because people have a tendency to judge you without knowing anything about you besides that pompadour hair and that leather jacket. That's not fair or right for them to do but you assuming what that girl might have been thinking about you based on what she was wearing or driving or where she lives, well that ain't no better."

I didn't want to hear it but I knew it was the truth and I told him so.

"I realized that last night while I was busy not sleeping," I said, "Emma said to apologize and as much as I hate it, I owe her one. I don't know if she'll accept it. I'm not sure I would if I was her."

Al smiled. I understood later that he was waiting for some girl to come along and get me out of my determination to stay single.

"You won't know unless you give her a chance," he said, "She doesn't accept your apology and you're no worse off than you are now. She does accept and maybe I don't get a wrench thrown at me for saying 'good morning'."

I smiled at him. I hadn't actually thrown the wrench but he was probably thinking I was going to. We stood and Al tossed a few dollars on the table to cover our meals and a tip for Dottie, our waitress. We then walked back to the garage and I got to work on the car. Any apology I offered was going to fly a whole lot better if she could get her car back. It wasn't a big fix and if she came to us because she was afraid of being gouged anywhere else, I don't even think the worst in our trade would have gouged her for that. But then again, I didn't know any mechanics in Bloomfield Hills so maybe they would have.

I heard her come in. Well, I heard someone come in and the others had just gotten in from school so I figured the timing was right that she'd be getting there. I was surprised none of the others hung around to bug at me or even said anything before she got there. Lou did give me a sad sort of smile when she and Kid walked through on the way to Al's office. It was a smile that said I could talk if I needed it and she'd listen. Lou was a pretty good listener.

Anyway, I heard the door open and I knew it had to be her. I was finishing the invoice for her and I kept my head down working on it like some kids might work on a test at school; like I should've worked on the tests at school. I might have said I was playing it cool if anyone had asked but in reality, I was scared out of my mind.

"What's the prognosis?" she asked and it was all I could do not to jump at the sudden sound and then to not cringe at the cold tone of her voice. I had really hurt her bad; what a heel.

"She's going to make a full recovery," I said, trying to sound like this was a normal conversation with a normal customer. I looked up at her and I can't even to this day describe the look on her face. She was fighting to smile but she looked like she might break apart and cry at any moment or at least just crumble into a million pieces. I can't tell you how bad I wanted to take her into my arms and try to hold her together but I was pretty sure I gave up that right the day before.

"Look, Joanie," I said hoping I was still allowed to speak to her so informal. "I know it's some nerve asking this and I've no right to ask it at all. I know I was a jerk and I don't expect your forgiveness but I want to apologize and I hope you'll accept it. I really am sorry how I talked to you. I knew how horrible my words were when I said them. I'm sorry."

There, it was out. I'm pretty sure I was holding my breath and I watched as her face sort of screwed around and I was afraid for a second that she'd start crying for real this time but then the smile spread wide and it wasn't hiding quite as much hurt as before.

"Apology accepted," she said, "I might even forgive you in time."

She paused and I didn't know quite what to say exactly 'cause I was pretty sure there was more to her words but I wasn't sure what exactly. She looked over the invoice and handed over the money for the repair. I tried to give the keys to her but she pushed them back in my hand.

"I accepted the apology even though you were frightfully mean to me," she began and I have to admit I wasn't following what that had to do with her not taking her keys back and blowing out of there as fast as she could. "So I figure you owe me one," she continued, "And I figure to collect on that right now."

I must've looked some kind of fool just standing there open-mouthed with her keys in my hand but she didn't laugh at me like some girls might when they were being hard to follow on purpose and had reduced some poor schmuck to a blithering idiot.

"It's near to closing time for you and I don't see a back up of people who want to leave their cars here all weekend so it looks like you are free. Do you live far?"

All that time I'd been waiting for her to laugh at me but it was me that busted up at that. She sort of scowled at me.

"I live upstairs," I said and she laughed too.

"I guess it won't take you too long to go home and get cleaned up then," she replied.

"It won't but what am I getting cleaned up for?" I asked her.

"Wouldn't you just like to know?" she asked and two things occurred to me at once. One was that she had me and the other was that she knew she had me.

"I think I'll just sit a bit and talk to your friends while you get ready," she said and if I looked half as unsure as I felt then it explained her next comment. "Don't worry, it's hardly formal what I've got planned."

I went up the stairs in a jumble of thoughts. On the one hand I was over the moon that she had accepted my apology but on the other hand she still looked hurt and like she didn't quite trust me like she had the day before in the car before I turned into a creep. And back to that first hand, I still held the keys to that cherry red 'Vette and they felt damned nice in my hand but on the other hand again, she was sitting and talking with the guys and Lou and God only knew what they'd tell her about me. And I didn't like not knowing her plans but at the same time I was excited at the chance to earn her trust back, to maybe get another one of those flirty glances she was throwing around the day before.

I washed up and put on a clean change of clothes. There was no need to go off with a pretty girl like that in the same set I'd been sweating in all day. I went down the stairs and heard her laughing almost immediately. I could only imagine the stories those guys were telling about me. I walked up slowly and more than a little scared and just listened for a while. I heard Kid's voice doing the talking.

"So then Jimmy says to Lou, 'What you getting all mad for? Them girls aren't any better than you. In fact, you're the one with a boyfriend. I say you get even with 'em.' And the two of them proceed to make a few alterations under the hood of Linda's car-nothing damaging of course but enough to cause her some embarrassment."

I was relieved for sure. It might not have been right to try for revenge against Linda and Cathy but they were mean girls and needed taking down a peg or two and it made Lou feel a lot better. There's plenty I done that I'm ashamed of but of all the stories Kid could've told, that was one of the most harmless and the way he told it, Joanie was laughing more at the fate of Linda and Cathy than at me. I came off looking kind of sweet. I went into Al's office and it took a second for Joanie to notice me there. When she did she seemed to brighten which was saying something since she was laughing to begin with.

"Well, there you are! Are you ready then?" she asked.

"As I'm going to get without knowing where I'm going," I said and the nerves I was feeling probably made that sound a little cold and I saw the hurt try to creep back onto her face before she pushed it away.

I opened the door of the 'Vette for her and then got into the driver's seat.

"You have to tell me which way to drive," I said.

"No I don't," she said, "It doesn't matter. We aren't going anywhere specific. Just drive."

So I did. I love the city and with the days getting warmer, it was even nicer to get out and just cruise around and look at how beautiful it really was. I know folks don't think of Detroit as a pretty city and it's not near as nice as it used to be or at least as I remember it, but it was my home and the only place I knew. All the buildings, the old Hudson's store, Tiger Stadium, the Old Red Barn which was what we called the Olympia, those were like old friends to me. They gave me a peace that let me know I was home, that I had a home. I won't ever lie so much to say that Detroit was perfect or without problems. The race demonstrations, some peaceful and some not so much, had been going on since sometime in the '40's I guess and when the unions were forming, things got real ugly around the D. But no city gets to be all peaceful all the time, even the small towns. They can put on all the Norman Rockwell looking founder's day picnics they want and I'll tell you they have just as many people angry and about to boil over as Detroit or Chicago. There's just less people so folks don't know so much. Now, everyone seems to see the problems are in the suburbs and rural areas as much as the inner city what with the school shootings and all that. But it's always been that way. I laugh when I see people try to blame the video games or the rap music. The worst school disaster to date is still what happened in a sleepy little farming community outside of our capital of Lansing in 1927. Now I can guarantee that there wasn't no video games or violent TV shows in Bath, Michigan at that time and they probably didn't even have the heathen jazz culture that some other places did-though it is just a couple miles from where Al Capone had his summer home so maybe they did-but still 58 people died in those bombings and most of 'em was kids. Some people are just rotten and some are messed up and some are plumb crazy and it don't matter where or when they live or what they watch or listen to, bad stuff is just going to happen.

It does make me sad sometimes to drive around Detroit now. It's a shell of what it used to be and, as pretty as that new park is, ain't no place ever going to be as fine for watching a baseball game as The Corner. That's what we called Tiger Stadium on account of Ernie Harwell. He always would say stuff like 'It's a beautiful night for baseball at the corner of Michigan and Trumble.' Eventually it was just shortened down. Now we got Comerica Park and I know some folks try to get cute and call it CoPa, it just ain't the same. There's just no respect for history anymore. It was hard enough to see the Olympia close down and eventually get tore down but the Joe is a right fine hockey barn and it feels good to go in there and know that Gordie and the rest of the 'Production Line' skated there and then were followed by Stevie Y and that bunch. Now they want to build a new barn yet. Guess Cobo needs more space or something. Hard to keep up and sometimes it don't feel much like progress 'cause progress is supposed to go forward and it feels a lot like we're going backward.

But that night, I had no idea all these changes were coming. I just knew that the air smelled of spring and the sun was starting to get a little heavy in the sky and I was in my city where things seemed about as right as they could be. Joanie turned on the radio and I heard Paul Anka singing to his girl and telling her to put her head on his shoulder. I nearly jumped when Joanie rested her own head on my shoulder. I wasn't sure if I could keep the car on the road with her sweet, clean smell so close. We had been nearly silent as we drove. I was afraid of putting my foot in my mouth again but I kept glancing to her and she was relaxing like I was earning her trust back so quiet seemed the way to continue until she spoke.

"So why does Billy call you 'Wild Bill'?"

Well, there was no getting around it anymore. I could try to dodge the question but she'd look at me with those hurt eyes again and I knew I'd cave so I just answered her.

"I guess wild was a pretty good description of me for a while," I said, "I broke every rule I could find just for the sake of breaking them. Billy said I acted like some wild west outlaw and gave me a name he thought sounded like some gunfighter's handle."

She wrapped a hand around my arm and nestled tighter into my shoulder.

"So you are a bad boy," she said but like she was teasing me and still didn't believe I was bad.

"Yeah, I was anyway," I agreed.

"Oh, I see," she said laughing, "You're all reformed now, huh?"

"I ought to be after the time I spent in reform school," I joked back, "That's all they teach there is reforming."

I'm not normally that quick to joke around with someone like that. They guys had known me for years and we'd kid around but when I first meet people, I don't kid. I just don't. And even if I did, the years of getting sent to juvie over misunderstandings would have cured me of it. I don't deny that I did some stuff I shouldn't have but I didn't do near to all they said I did. Hell, I'm not even smart enough to think of some of that stuff. But if she was going to trust me with her car and her smiles and her head on my shoulder, I guess I could trust her a little too. I realized she had stopped laughing and I wondered if I said something wrong. Maybe I shouldn't have said anything about reform school. It's one thing to go to the principal or even detention but reform school did mean that you'd done something illegal. Maybe she wasn't all cool with that.

"I really am sorry," she said, "I never meant to imply that you were a bad person. I don't think that."

"Yeah," I said, "I figured that out and I don't think you're some stuck up snob either. Just 'cause other people judge sometimes don't mean everyone does. I should've known you were too nice to assume stuff like that."

"I'm sure a lot of people make those assumptions though, don't they?"

"Yeah, they do," I said.

"I won't ask what you do for fun," she said and although it was meant as a joke, there was still a sad something in her voice that said she felt really bad at how things had gone between us. "But what do you do at the end of the week like this? Do you hang out with your friends or what?"

"I'll show you," I said and I steered her car back toward the garage. Once there I walked around and opened her door for her and led her up the stairs. She lagged a bit behind on the stairs and I turned and realized what she must have been thinking.

"I'm not taking you to my place," I explained, "Please, just follow me."

She did and I think she felt bad about jumping to that conclusion but I didn't take offense. It wasn't 'cause I was a hood that she thought that, it was 'cause I'm a guy. I led her to the stairs on the second floor but did nod toward my door as we passed it.

"I live in there," I said kind of embarrassed. I don't think I had reason to be but I was all the same. The next flight of stairs put us up to the roof. It wasn't real high but it was high enough to not be street level and to make a man feel just a little freer. I turned to see Joanie smiling at me.

"Why James," she said, "You're just a romantic at heart, aren't you?"

I pulled over a lawn chair that I had brought up for nights just like this one and offered it to her.

"Can I get you something?" I asked, "A beer or a pop?"

"I could go for a beer," she answered and I left her to go and get it from my place.

I took a moment at my fridge to just contemplate what was happening. I didn't really know the first thing about her and she knew little more about me but there she was on the roof waiting for me to get back to her. I hustled back up the stairs to find her still sitting where I'd left her with her legs stretched out in front of her and her head tipped back feeling the soft breeze that was there. She heard me and sat back up smiling.

I grabbed the other lawn chair that was up there and moved it next to her and handed one of the bottles of Stroh's to her before sitting down. We didn't talk much for a while, just sat and watched the sky turn every shade of every possible color while the sun sank below the horizon.

* * *

><p>Okay, lots of references that you might or might not get and I don't know how much they matter. Um...Ernie Harwell was the long-time announcer for the Tigers and sadly passed away recently. It was nearly an official day of mourning here in MI. I know I cried so hard. The Joe is Joe Louis Arena where the Red Wings play now but I think this is the last year on the lease so as early as next season there may be a new arena or "barn" as hockey fans often affectionately call their arenas. The Production Line was a nickname for an offensive line that played for the Wings consisting of Gordie Howe, Sid Abel and at first Ted Lindsey and later Alex Devecchio. Stevie Y was a long time captain for the team and played his whole career for the Wings. Stroh's was THE brewery in Detroit and nearly every Michigander I knew (my dad included) drank almost nothing but Stroh's until the company closed (I think that was the '80's). I guess if there's anything else that I mentioned that didn't make sense, you can all feel free to ask me because I'd be more than happy to explain anything. I, too, love Detroit and I think it gets an unfairly bad rap so I would love for everyone to see the good and beauty that there is in Detroit and later in the story I'll feature some of the rest of the state too.-J<p> 


	4. Chapter 4

I think in my whole eighteen years I hadn't even felt quite so peaceful and right as I did on the roof with Joanie that night. The sunset was beautiful but I kept stealing glances at her to see how the colors played on her face. Like I said, she wasn't a traditional beauty but I thought she was pretty and the colors from the sky only made her prettier in my eyes. I probably shouldn't have said nothing but I just couldn't stop myself.

"Can I ask you something?"

She looked up at me waiting for the question but not making a sound. She didn't look scared or upset and the hurt I'd caused the day before was fading.

"What made you drive clear from Bloomfield Hills just to get your car fixed?"

"Oh is that all?" she was laughing a bit and I think it was relief; I don't know what she thought I was going to ask. "Well, I guess I feel like Detroit is having a hard enough time lately and bringing my business into the city seems right and Al's Garage has the best reputation."

I nodded. I hadn't known our reputation extended that far. I don't know what came over me to think to do what I did next but it just felt right and I moved my hand and held hers. I held my breath for a second thinking that she'd pull away or get sore with me but she didn't. She squeezed my hand and then sighed.

"I have a confession," she said and I turned my head to look fully at her. She looked torn up about whatever she had to say. It got me more than a little worried.

"I had planned to have you drive to a party with some friends of mine but I thought better of it."

Her voice was so soft and I was having a hard time catching all her words.

"You were ashamed to bring me," I said and tried to pull back my hand but she wasn't giving it up.

"No," she cried and I don't mean like how some people use the word like crying out, she had tears streaming and it was killing me. "No, it's not like that."

"Then what's it like?" I yelled, "You just tell me."

"Please don't yell," she said, "It's my friends. They would judge you. I know they would. It wasn't about what they'd say to me, it's how they'd treat you."

I just stared at her. We were standing by this time and she still wouldn't let go of my hand so she only had one hand to wipe away her tears. I couldn't even tell if she was crying 'cause she was mad or sad or just hurt. I just knew I didn't want her to cry anymore. I took a chance and pulled her to me and held her tight. She didn't resist at all.

"If they were going to judge me," I said softly, "They would've said some nasty stuff to you too. I don't see why you'd put yourself through it. I ain't worth it."

"I don't care what they say to me. There's so much more to the world than what they see," she said, "They are so small-minded."

"I ain't worth it," I said again.

She looked up at me and it was dark by that time but it's never all dark in a city like Detroit and I could see her eyes shining with tears. I wanted to kiss her but I meant what I said, I wasn't worth the scorn that would come to her and I knew she deserved so much better.

"You are," she said, "I don't know exactly how I know but I know it."

"I guess I'll believe you," I said with a grin, "You are smarter than I am."

Then I did kiss her. It wasn't the kind of kiss that's filled with trying something fresh, but I was afraid all the same that I'd get slapped for it. Her lips were warm and so soft and that roof felt way more than two stories up. We might as well have been on the moon 'cause it felt like we were the only two people in existence. When I pulled away, she smiled at me and I felt pretty sure I wasn't getting slapped.

"It's about time," she said smiling at me, "Pardon my assumptions but I would have thought a guy like you would move faster. I was beginning to think you didn't like me."

I laughed. She was surely not like any girl I'd met before and like damned few I've met since.

"I like you just fine," I said, "What's not to like? I just learned already that getting fresh with some girls leads to trouble I don't need. I'm not a juvenile anymore."

"You don't think I would have accused you of anything?"

"I don't know," I said, "I figure the worst you'd do if you didn't want me kissing you was to smack me but a guy can't be too careful; especially a guy like me."

"You keep saying 'guy like you' like you are a different species or something."

"I mean a guy with a past like mine," I explained, "I got a sheet that's long as your arm."

She was quiet for a while and sat back down in the chair. I offered to run down and get us a couple more beers. While I was in my place, I realized we hadn't eaten and I threw together some sandwiches. I'm sure it wasn't the nicest meal she'd had on a date but I couldn't let her starve.

When I found her again, she was sitting in the chair again and had pulled her feet up under her. I saw her little saddle shoes sitting perfectly straightened next to the leg of the chair. She looked up and smiled when she heard me walking over. I saw that she had put her arms through the sleeves of her sweater and had even buttoned it up. Most girls just buttoned the top button, I don't know why but that's what they did. Now I spent a good amount of time on that roof and I was up there even in the winter sometimes so I was actually prepared for her chill. The days may have been warming up but the nights were still chilly. I handed her the bottle and then walked a few feet over to where I had a blanket stashed that Emma had made. She called it an afghan and said that she made it by crocheting. I don't know much about stuff like that. Closest to a craft my ma ever did was stack beer cans into a pyramid. I wrapped the afghan around her shoulders and she smiled again.

"Thank you," she said and took a pull of the Stroh's.

"I'm not much of a gentleman keeping you up here in this cold," I said and I felt kind of bad but then I didn't think she'd want to go to my room and I wasn't sure at all that I would want her there either.

"I'm Michigan born and raised," she said, "I've been colder. I think the blanket's big enough to share."

I was trying to hide it and look all cool but she saw through it, I was pretty cold too. I moved my chair closer to hers and she wrapped the afghan around the both of us. It was real cozy sitting there with her. She tilted her head onto my shoulder and I rested my head on hers and we sat there for a long time. We didn't say much but after a bit I got worried.

"Ain't your folks going to get worried about you being out so late?" I asked. I liked spending time with Joanie and I knew from experience that if her parents ever got to blaming me for her being out past curfew or something that would be the end of ever seeing her.

"I'm eighteen you know," she said smiling, "It's not a school night and as long as I'm in temple tomorrow, no one will care."

"Temple?" I asked.

"It's like church but for Jews," she explained. I had heard of Jews what with Al's stories about WWII and it's not like there weren't other Jews around, I just didn't know specific things about the faith.

"Tomorrow's Saturday," I said, "Church is on Sunday."

"Jewish Sabbath is sundown Friday to sundown Saturday."

"So right now?" I asked.

"We're not Orthodox or anything," she went on and I wondered if it bothered her that I was so dumb about it but it didn't seem to. "Some Jews won't drive or even ride in a car on Sabbath but we don't sweat that stuff. We aren't always picky about keeping kosher either."

"What's that?"

"Rules about how to dress and when to pray and what to eat and things like that," she answered, "It's kind of a personal thing how strict you feel you need to be. Some people find great comfort in the rules and ritual. I like services and sometimes I just close my eyes and listen to the Cantor and the Rabbi. You wouldn't think Hebrew was a pretty language to hear some speak it but the chanting and singing in temple is lovely."

"I'm sorry I'm so dumb," I said.

"Most gentiles don't know much more than you," she said, "At least you listened and were willing to learn."

I leaned my head back and looked up at the stars pondering what it was like to live so different from how most people did and if it felt safer or more comfortable in that little group or lonelier.

"It's beautiful here, James," she said, "Thank you for bringing me up."

"You're welcome," I said and I felt a little bashful, "I don't normally bring anyone up here."

"Not even your friends?"

"Sometimes Al comes up and sits a while with me and has a beer or two," I said, "But the rest don't even know the stairs lead here."

She was quiet a while longer and I almost thought she might've gone to sleep leaning against me.

"I think this might be the sweetest thing any boy has ever done for me," she said at last.

"Joanie," I began and I knew what I wanted to ask but I also knew I wasn't near as sure that I wanted the answer. "Why do you want to spend time with me? Why did you let me drive you home yesterday and why did you even think about taking me to the party with your friends?"

"Because I like you," she said so simply as if any half-wit could have figured that out and I guess she was right about that because even I had figured that she liked me.

"I know you do," I said, "If you didn't, you'd have slapped me when I kissed you. But why me? Why do you like me?"

"I don't know as anyone truly understands why they like another person," she said sort of pondering her words. "We can see a thousand people and none of them spark our fancy and then that one person walks along and we think 'Hey, I've been waiting to meet you'. I see such tenderness in you, James. And I like looking at you. So why do you like me?"

Now that question kind of threw me. She was right after all about not understanding why one person caught our eye while others didn't and I knew the answer wasn't simple, if there was an answer at all.

"I could say it's 'cause you're pretty and that would be part true," I began, "But that wouldn't be near all of it. You are different from every girl I've ever known. You trusted me when a lot of people wouldn't. I guess you're right, it's not an easy question to answer."

"Why the past tense?" she asked and I admit I didn't even know what that meant. Verb tenses weren't covered in auto shop and that was the only class I ever paid any attention in; so I just stared blankly at her.

"You said I trusted you," she clarified, "That means I did in the past and implies that I don't now."

"I hurt you," I said still feeling pretty lousy about it, "I can see you're still a little hurt and I don't see how you can still trust me at all when you're still feeling the hurt I caused."

She laughed; like actually laughed when I said that. She wasn't laughing at me, not exactly, but she was laughing all the same. She collected herself.

"Yeah," she said finally, "What you said hurt and I was still feeling pretty stung when I came here today but then you brought me here. You shared something with me that no one else gets to see or know about. I'm not just talking about the roof; I'm talking about who you are when you're up here. You know you smile more when you are up here than anywhere else?" I shook my head. "Well you do and you have a beautiful smile. It's almost like a child's smile. Maybe I don't understand what you mean by trust. But I feel safe with you and, to me, that's trust."

I squeezed my arm tighter around her and we sat there for quite a while but eventually she did have to leave. I was a little worried about her and I wished that she didn't have to drive all that way alone at that hour but she didn't seem to have a care in the world about it. If I'm honest I was still worried that she did have a curfew she was breaking. I don't know why I didn't seem to believe her and what she said and really it's not that I didn't believe her, I was just thinking that if she was my daughter, I'd want to know where she was every second and I wouldn't want her hanging out with my sort. Most parents I had met felt the same way.

I walked her down to her car and opened the door for her. She just stood there like she was expecting something and I figured she wanted me to kiss her. I must've been right because she kissed me back. It's kind of strange that I felt a pang of jealousy right then. I probably couldn't have counted all the girls I had dated but the thought that she couldn't know how to kiss like that unless there'd been at least one other guy just really bugged at me. I kissed her deeper like I was staking a claim to her. When we broke apart she was out of breath and I smiled at that.

"I had a really nice night, James," she said.

"Me too," I said, "Can I see you again?"

She smiled like she had wanted to ask the same thing but was all of a sudden too shy to do it.

"I'd like that," she said and put her hand on the side of my face. It was so tender and almost like something Emma would do but then it was so different.

"Call me," she said and kissed me quickly before blushing and hurrying into her car. Yeah that was the flirty look I'd been waiting for and my night was complete at that. Of course I don't even think she was flirting on purpose that time. I think she realized it was the first time she took the lead in the kissing. Things were different then and most girls didn't take the lead much at all.

* * *

><p>I didn't hear from her at all the next day and I didn't call her. I didn't know how long folks stayed at temple and I didn't want to disturb whatever her family did on their Sabbath. But once the sun went down, I thought about calling and it wasn't all that late but I used the time to argue myself out of it. Now I normally wouldn't call a nice girl on a Sunday but since it wasn't a religious day to her, I chanced it. I almost panicked and hung up when I heard a female voice that wasn't hers but I had been working for Al a good three years at that point and I knew how to talk right on the phone.<p>

"Good morning, Mrs. Cohen," I said just as sweet as you please, "My name is James Hickok. May I please speak with Joanie?"

There, that should be proper enough and the woman's voice brightened. I guess she was happy about a boy calling her daughter. I wondered if she would've been that happy if she could've seen me. It wasn't even a minute later when I heard a click and then Joanie's voice yelling, "I've got it, Mom!" And then there was another click as her mom hung up.

"James?" she asked even though I knew her mom had to've told her who was calling.

"Hey Joanie," I said.

"I wasn't sure you'd call," she said.

"Why wouldn't I?"

"I guess I was just being silly," she answered, "I got home and thought of all the reasons that you wouldn't call and talked myself out of believing that you really like me."

I smiled. For all the confidence she had, she really was just like the rest of us. I had worried before calling that she wouldn't want me to. That she'd make excuses not to talk to me or something. Things like that had happened to me before. But she sounded so happy that I called.

"Well I really do like you, Joanie," I said.

"I really was just being silly, wasn't I?"

"I don't know if I'd call you silly but you don't need to worry about me liking you," I said. It was funny, I'd been in love or thought I was in love with a lot of girls but it had never gotten easier to tell one, at least not when things were starting out. At that point I hadn't ever really gotten past the starting out part.

"So," she said and she sounded like she was hesitating. "Do you have any plans this afternoon?"

"Actually I was hoping to spend some time with you," I said, "If you don't mind, that is."

"Are you asking me out on a date, James Hickok?" she asked.

"Yes I am," I said with all the conviction I could muster which wasn't much as I was still a little afraid she'd say no.

"Then I guess you'd better come on over and pick me up."

I remember that moment like it's still there for me to stand in. I know I'd never felt happiness like that before and even since those moments have been rare. I think it might have been possible for me to fly out to Bloomfield Hills if I'd had a mind to do so.

* * *

><p><strong>I don't think there are any obscure references here in this chapter. I think they're kind of sweet. Young love is so dear, isn't it? Okay so if I did reference something weird and Michigan-centric, let me know otherwise, let me know what you think...I so appreciate the feedback I've gotten and I love all of you dear wonderful readers.-J<strong>


	5. Chapter 5

I got ready and started to get into my car and then froze. Picking a girl up was one thing but I knew her parents were there and I wasn't sure how meeting them was going to go and it would make a worse impression if I just parked out front and honked the horn. I had no idea what Mr. and Mrs. Cohen would be expecting but I doubted she had gone out of her way to tell them about me. Hell, even girls from the neighborhood wouldn't have told their folks they was seeing me, if they had decent folks that was. Of course most girls from the neighborhood didn't really have anyone to answer to. They weren't like Joanie. I just couldn't bring myself to get in the car. I liked to make people think I wasn't scared of anything and there's plenty that scares other people that don't scare me. I grew up getting hit and there's worse things than that so I never feared a fight and juvie just meant more steady meals than anything I'd have gotten at home so I really never feared getting into trouble. If not for Al giving me a chance at living on my own and taking care of myself, I wouldn't have feared prison either. Four hots and a cot can make a whole lot of things more tolerable.

But I did have Al and I did have my own place and I did have enough money to feed myself and see to my needs and prison was something to fear by then. I wouldn't admit that to anyone-well, maybe I would to Joanie or Al or Emma but no one else. I had a reputation to live up to. Parents raising good kids like Joanie could make things pretty hard on a guy like me. Of course there was one thing they could do worse than make trouble and get me sent up the river, they could keep us apart. In the span of just a couple of days, I had gone from sworn off of women entirely to fearing being kept from her more than I feared death. I know that sounds corny and sappy but I'm an old man now and I just don't care. There's far worse things a man can do than fall in love and things worth much harsher judgment.

I wanted to go to her but I was just too scared to. Instead I walked around the corner to Al's house. It was a little craftsman style house-not that I knew at the time what it was called- with a porch and on days the garage wasn't open, Al could be found on that porch. I walked up and was actually kind of glad that Emma had wandered over. I think she was bringing him lunch. She seemed to take it in herself to see to it that every child and single man was well fed. She saw me coming and smiled.

"Couldn't help but notice," Al said with a wink, "That 'Vette was in front of the garage until the wee hours Friday night."

"You could've helped it alright," I said, "If you hadn't been checking up on me."

I saw the look on Emma's face and felt the need to defend myself, or maybe to defend Joanie.

"And you should watch your mind, old man. We just sat on the roof talking," I said, "Not that it's your business at all."

"So what brings you to my porch this fine Sunday, Jimmy?" Al asked trying to change the subject before he was on the receiving end of Emma's scorn.

"I was just about to head out to pick her up and I just ain't so sure about walking up to meet her folks," I confessed, "There's not a lot of guys like me up in Bloomfield Hills. I'm sure I ain't what they had planned for their little girl."

"Since when do you worry what a parent thinks or any adult for that matter?" Al asked.

"Since they could keep me from her if they wanted to."

"Oh Jimmy," Emma exclaimed, "You really care for this girl, don't you?"

"Yeah," I said and I just kept looking at my feet. "So what do I do?"

Emma just couldn't stop smiling at me and it was kind of starting to scare me.

"I think that if she sees the boy under the tough guy then maybe that ability came from somewhere. They probably raised her to look beyond the surface."

I considered her words a moment before she all but pushed me off the porch telling me that I'd hurt Joanie's feelings if I dawdled too much. She was right and the last thing I wanted to do was hurt her more than I had already. I hustled to my car and headed out to face whatever confronted me. I can't tell you how many times I almost turned back but I made it to her house. I parked and just sat there for a minute trying to get up enough nerve to walk up and ring the bell. I didn't belong there. My car, my clothes, none of it belonged there.

I hate to admit this but I damn near screamed when I heard the passenger door opened. I looked over as Joanie slid in beside me.

"I meant to come to the door like a respectable date," I said ashamed.

"And you will," she said, "I'm not going anywhere with you until you meet Mom and Dad. I promise they won't bite."

"Joanie," I began, "I'm not really what most parents are looking for their daughter to get mixed up with."

"I haven't hid anything about you from them," she said, "They know where you're from and how you dress and that you have the most beautiful eyes-okay, only my mom and sister got that bit of information."

She kissed my cheek and somehow I felt that it might just be okay after all. I got out of the car and we went up to the door. She led me inside and I can't even describe the house. It was like a museum except all the beautiful stuff was out in the open and not behind ropes or glass. Her folks were just sitting in the living room like their daughter wasn't parading a new boy into the house. Her dad was reading the Free Press and her mom had a copy of Life magazine. They looked up when we walked in and their smiles were so real and not forced at all.

"Mom, Dad," Joanie started, "This is James Hickok. James, these are my parents Jacob and Gladys Cohen."

"It's nice to meet you, Mr. and Mrs. Cohen," I said and they both stood up and shook my hand.

"It's a pleasure to meet you James," her mom said, "Joanie has certainly told us some very nice things about you. I'll go get us some cold drinks."

She left the room and I was disappointed and a little nervous when Joanie followed her mother out to help her. I think I would have much rather followed Mrs. Cohen to the kitchen.

"Have a seat, James," he motioned toward a chair near the couch that he was sitting in. I sat on the edge of the seat. I was pretty nervous. I saw him smile at me.

"How was the drive out here?" he asked and I was sure he was messing with me at that point.

"It was nice," I choked out.

"I have to say," he began after a breath, "I'm glad to be meeting the young man who's caused such a stir around here."

"Sir?"

"It's been worse than the Thunder Bolt at Boblo Island around here. One day she's crying and the next she's singing and laughing and then she's worried that you don't like her," I was listening for anger at making his household so crazy but there was none.

"Someday, God willing, you might have children," he continued, "If you're lucky enough to have a daughter, you'll learn to roll with the punches a little. There's a lot of emotion in a teenage girl."

"I'm sorry," I said and he laughed at me though it wasn't mean at all.

"Are you sorry she's a teenage girl?" he asked. "I would have thought that would be exactly what you would like about her."

"I meant," I started but he cut me off.

"I know what you meant but she is who she is and you might not be perfect but neither is she. She'll get crazy from time to time. I should be thanking you for the smile on her face yesterday."

He got a kind of faraway look at that.

"It used to be me to make her smile like that," he said, "Didn't take much either. Maybe a trip to get a bagel in the morning, just the two of us. It's the little things, James. Remember that, it's the little things. I knew that hanging out with her old man wouldn't do forever but it's been hard to sometimes see her so distant and know that a new doll or stuffed bear wouldn't make her smile like it used to. Then she got up for temple yesterday smiling brighter than when we'd go for bagels and I'd let her get a chocolate milk. Thank you."

I had no idea what to say to this. He was like no father I had ever met. Mrs. Cohen and Joanie came back in with a tray. I stood and reached to take the tray from Mrs. Cohen. It had a pitcher of lemonade and some glasses on it and I recall just hoping that I wouldn't drop the thing. I didn't and soon we were all sipping lemonade.

We chatted for a bit and I recall it was all polite stuff, where I worked and that sort of thing, they didn't seem the least upset that I hadn't finished high school. I heard steps running down the stairs and then someone spoke.

"You're right, Joanie, he is cute!"

I saw Joanie's face turn red and I'm fairly certain she was fighting the urge to hurl the throw pillow next to her at the voice. Instead she pasted on a smile.

"James," she said and kept smiling even though her teeth were clenched, "This is my kid sister Judy."

I turned and waved at her. She looked a lot like Joanie but shorter. I think she must've idolized her older sister because she was dressed identical.

"James," Joanie got my attention, "I think we should be going now, don't you?"

"Yeah, sure," I said. There was hand shaking again as we headed for the door and Mr. Cohen kissed Joanie on the forehead and I heard him tell her to have a good time before confirming that she'd be home by ten. It's funny, I knew Mr. Cohen for a lot of years and lost track of how often he told me to call him Jacob but I never could bring myself to do it. In time I would occasionally call Mrs. Cohen Gladys. But not often.

We got on the road and Joanie turned to me.

"How bad was Daddy?" she asked.

"I think I was more scared than I needed to be," I said, "He really loves you."

I guess the wonder came through in my voice because she laughed and asked, "It surprises you that my father loves me?"

"Mine don't love me."

"I can't believe such a thing," she said and I know she didn't mean nothing by it but there's no way she could know what things was like for me.

"I moved out over a year ago," I started, "I didn't leave no note and didn't tell either of my folks where I was going. They ain't come looking for me yet. Not so much as a phone call to Al to ask if he seen me. Knowing them, they ain't been sober long enough between the two of them to even notice I ain't there."

She scooted across the seat up close to me.

"I'm so sorry," she said as she rested her head on my shoulder. I looked at her and she was blinking to not cry.

I took a hand off the wheel and put my arm around her and kissed the top of her head.

"So where am I going today?" I asked.

"DIA," she said, "I can't get enough of the Diego Rivera frescos. Have you seen them?"

I shook my head. I'd never been to a museum in my life. That was something TV kids did on field trips or nice families did on weekends and summer vacation. I had certainly never been to, or even thought about going to, an art museum. But I drove there all the same because it would make her happy and if there was things there that she loved then maybe it wouldn't be so bad. Of course she liked me so I wasn't all sure about her taste.

I shouldn't have doubted her. I already knew she was smarter than me and I should have known she was also more cultured. Everything we saw, she knew things about beyond what was written on the little plaques that describe them. And she was right about those frescos, that Diego Rivera guy was really something. We went for a bite to eat and then walked around campus. For being smack in Detroit, Wayne State is really something to see and being spring, the trees was budding out all over. We just strolled along and I held her hand. I know we looked like every stereotype of the good girl dating the bad boy that was ever put on film. Me in my jeans and leather jacket and Cuban heeled boots and her with her puffed out skirt and saddle shoes and the blouse with the little rounded collar they used to call a Peter Pan collar, I think and that cardigan sweater over her shoulders and just buttoned at the top. I know we got some looks from plenty of folks probably wondering which one of us was dressed in a costume of some sort but Joanie didn't pay them no mind and after a while, I didn't either.

I pulled up in front of her house a good five minutes before ten and I know because I checked my watch to be sure.

"I don't turn into a pumpkin at ten," she laughed.

"I know but I don't want them to think I'm not responsible."

"I only have to be here by ten," she said, "I don't have to go in. We can sit and talk a bit more if you'd like."

We did talk some more. I couldn't figure out how we found so much to talk about but we did. Sometimes it was music or movies we'd debate but sometimes it was real serious stuff like how unfair people like Mrs. Jenkins get treated or how hard things got for some folks when Packard became Studebaker and the jobs from that left.

I drove home thinking about all the things Joanie was that the other girls I knew weren't. She cared about history and art and how people were treated and things being fair and everyone getting a fair shake. I admired that about her quite a lot.

The next week went by slower than molasses in January. We'd talk on the phone every night but it wasn't the same as seeing her or holding her or being with her. I woke up Saturday to banging on the door. I opened the door to see Joanie looking at me. I had told her to come on over but I didn't expect her at my door at eight in the morning. I felt weird about letting her in but I couldn't just leave her standing in a glorified stairwell either. I moved aside and let her come in which she did but I know I saw her hesitate a bit. It's funny; she only paused until she looked up at me. It was like she needed a reminder of whose place she was walking into. It actually made me feel good that I'd gotten her trust back.

"Coffee?" I asked.

"I'd love some," she answered as she sat down on the davenport.

"How do you take it?"

"Sugar."

Of course she would. Myself, I have always taken my coffee black. I brought the cup to her. She was looking around as if studying the room.

"I'd give you the grand tour but this is it. You're sitting in the living room and the bedroom and you just saw me in the kitchen."

"It's bigger and nicer than my dorm room is going to be," she said.

"Dorm room?"

"When I go to school in the fall," she replied, "I'll live in a dorm."

I had to sit down at that. I knew she was a senior and as smart as she was and with a family like she had, I should have figured she'd be going to college. It just hadn't occurred to me that she'd be leaving.

"You're leaving?" I asked and I must have looked pathetic.

"Just to U of M," she said, "Ann Arbor's not far. I'm not going to the moon or anything."

It was a small relief, Ann Arbor isn't far at all from Detroit but still, with the guys she'd meet there, she might as well have been going to a whole other world. Surely she wouldn't have much use for me anymore. I realized she was talking.

"Am I dressed alright?" she asked, "For what you have planned I mean."

I looked at her in those pants the girls wore then and some little shoes in the exact same color. She was perfect and I told her so. I started pulling things out of the fridge and into a basket I had borrowed from Emma. I closed up the basket after I had set a blanket on top of the things inside. I turned and there was Joanie less than six inches from me.

"You look nervous or something," she said and raised her hand like she wanted to touch me but wasn't sure of it so she just clasped her hands together in front of herself.

"Nervous isn't quite the right word for it," I said and looked around my apartment though that was a real generous way to describe it. Joanie caught on.

"Well," she said, walking around the place, "You could use a decorator but it's cozy and you have it all to yourself. It's got to be nice sometimes to know you can close the door on the whole world and just be alone."

The way she said it just made me fall in love more with her. It was kind of sad and wishing like, as much as she loved her family, she'd like to get away from them and everyone else from time to time. She looked at the basket.

"Are we going on a picnic?" she asked. I nodded.

"I thought we'd drive over to Belle Isle," I said and the smile she gave told me I did something right.

* * *

><p><strong>Hello, my pretties! Okay...quickly to run down...Boblo Island was an amusement park open on Bois Blanc Island located in the Detroit River. It was an open park from 1898 to 1993 and now there is a private resort and golf course...the Thunder Bolt was the big wooden roller coaster that was the big one in 1960...it was replaced by a steel coaster in the early 70's. The Packard was a car that was built in Detroit until 1957 and then Packard was bought out by Studebaker and manufacturing was moved to Indiana, I think. Belle Isle is another island in the Detroit River. There is a bridge that allows for driving over and there are wonderful public parks and great picnic areas and fountains and statues all over it. DIA is the Detroit Institute of Art which is the big art museum in downtown Detroit. It is magnificent and does have 3 or 4 huge and amazing murals by Diego Rivera. I encourage you to look them up. Wayne State University is also located in the heart of the city. It boasts a highly regarded medical school and some of the most beautiful buildings-beautiful enough to rival other schools for sure. U of M is the University of Michigan and it is located in Ann Arbor which, with suburban growth and the newer expressway system is more or less part of the greater metro-Detroit area...back then it would have been less so but still not very far away. I, myself, am a Michigan State University supporter as it's just about 20 mins down the road from where I live. But I figured Joanie would go to Ann Arbor and be a Wolverine instead of heading up here and being a Spartan...If there's anything else that needs clarifying, please let me know. Kisses to you all. Oh and just to clarify, since this is AU, I felt it okay to allow Jimmy to grow into an old man. In truth, I just turned yesterday the age that he was when he died (39) but obviously in this story he's telling it from a nowadays perspective and if he was 18 in 1960, he would be somewhere around 70 today sooo...yeah, I thought it was fine though since AU means MU (My Universe!) Let me know what you think, please.-J<strong>


	6. Chapter 6

That day was the day I learned the truth of Jacob Cohen's words when he had told me that it was the little things that mattered. If I can pass nothing else on, I will just say that there's plenty of hurt and hardship that crosses everyone's path and often the bad stuff comes in the big events and the good stuff in the smaller but if you really hang on to those little good things, they'll see you through the rough patches pretty well.

That day wasn't anything grand but it was happy and peaceful in a way I didn't know anything could be. It was the first day I remember not being nervous about Joanie and how she'd think about something I said or how people'd look at her or if she'd eventually just get sick of how people looked at her. We drove over to the island and wandered around just taking it all in. After a bit we ate the food that Emma had made for me to take. Emma had told me I could take credit but when Joanie had said how much she loved the potato salad, I just couldn't bring myself to lie. And I was glad too as she went on to wonder about some of the ingredients and if I'd have taken credit, I'd have looked pretty foolish not knowing what I had put in it.

After we ate, we lay back on the grass and watched the clouds float over head. The sky was so blue it looked like it had been painted there and the clouds were the puffy ones that floated along and invited small children and young lovers to try to see shapes of animals and castles and the like within them. You know those ink blot tests that shrinks give? Well, the whole point is that you find out what's on a person's mind with those because they will see things related to whatever is weighing on them at the time. If they are worried about being attacked by wolves, they'll see wolves and dogs and if they are thinking about buying a house, they'll see houses and garages and appliances and stuff like that. Clouds are kind of the same way. I don't remember what I was seeing, if you're mind is worry free like mine was that day, you see things like fluffy bunnies and puppies playing fetch. I remember what Joanie saw though. She saw ball gowns and corsages and a tiara which she had to explain to me what that was. I got the hint pretty quick though I don't think she was sending one on purpose. I knew Kid and Lou was getting ready for the one at school and Ike had just mustered the courage to ask Annie. You don't have to still attend school to know what's going on there; especially during prom season. I'll grant you that prom was still a few weeks off but that hardly mattered because apparently girls needed more time to figure out what to wear.

I got quiet for a bit because I knew that she wasn't outright asking me to ask her. I wasn't even sure that she really wanted me to ask her but it was pretty clear that she wanted to go whether she knew she wanted to or not.

"Joanie," I started, "You got a date to your prom yet?"

I was pretty sure the answer but folks had been known to go as friends although in those days there was less of that as boys and girls weren't often "just friends".

"Of course I don't," she said, "I couldn't go with a boy that wasn't my boyfriend unless I didn't have a boyfriend but I do have one so, no, I don't have a date-not that I care or anything."

She threw that last part in for my benefit, I know so I wouldn't feel obligated to ask. I almost took the out she gave me too. I didn't relish the thought of showing up at her high school gym with all those guys who came from money and were heading off to college to make it so they could earn even more of it and live in houses the likes of which I could only look at on TV. But I could also tell that she lied when she said she didn't care. She didn't want to care and not just because it might make me uncomfortable but because she didn't want to think of herself as shallow but I don't think it's shallow to like to get dressed up and have a good time dancing. I think everyone likes that from time to time. It's why there's a party after a wedding, so people can dance in their pretty clothes and girls and women like that more than men and that's okay too. Fact of the matter is men kind of like it when their ladies dress up like that. We all like being that guy with the really beautiful woman on our arm. Our woman might be just as beautiful to us in a burlap bag but that don't mean we don't appreciate when she puts some effort into her appearance.

"I never been to prom," I said, "Is there a rule against me going to yours? If I'm escorting a student, that is?"

"No, I don't think there is."

"Then," I said and I remember I took her hands in mine while I said it. "Can I take you to your prom?"

"You don't have to," she said, "It's a silly thing."

"It might be a silly thing but you want to be there," I said, "There's a lot I can't do for you but I can do this and it might be fun. What do you say?"

She finally smiled and said yes and I could see her mind going to what color dress she'd wear.

We laid on that blanket a while longer just lost in our own thoughts and not feeling the need to share them.

"Thank you," she said out of nowhere.

"For what?" I asked baffled.

"You didn't have to ask me," she said, "I know you aren't fond of school and you can probably think of a thousand things to do that night that might be more fun than a kid party."

"It ain't school I hate," I said, "It's the one I was at. And I can't think of anywhere I'd rather be than where you are."

It don't happen often but sometimes a man says just the right thing to a woman and that time I did. She laid her head on my chest and I wrapped an arm around her and that's how we stayed for a long time. We talked about anything and everything. Some light topics like music and baseball-she was quite a fan-and some heavier things too. She talked about school in the fall and what she was going to study and what she could do with it. She wasn't sure what she was going to major in exactly but she knew she wanted to find a way to make big changes that would help people. She was so disturbed by the inequities she saw in the world and how horribly some people were treated just because of where they were born or the color of their skin or their last name. I had never liked seeing someone pushed down just because his skin was darker either and her passion was easy to get swept up in. If anyone could make those changes she spoke of, I was pretty sure it was Joanie. We talked about her parents because I still couldn't get over how they had treated me like I had the same right to date their daughter as the nicer boys that undoubtedly just lived down the street.

"Not all the boys in the neighborhood want to date a Jew," she said. I think I looked at her like she had four heads.

"There's a big enough Jewish population in Bloomfield," she said, "But not everyone is and out there, people are so very concerned about appearances. For a nice boy from a nice gentile family to date a Jewish girl, well, that would be quite the scandal."

"What's the difference?" I asked.

She just looked at me like I had somehow been living under a rock.

"Well, aside from the religion thing-I mean the fact that I don't go to church and that would be just terrible for them," she began, "There's this whole culture thing and I will admit that ours is a little different. We sometimes speak Yiddish at home and that makes some people very uncomfortable and then there is still the WWII hangover. No one wanted the Jews killed like that but no one really wanted them around either. I don't always understand anti-Semitism-that's what it's called to be prejudiced against Jews-but it's there and just as strong as being anti-negro. And I'm less acceptable than most."

"Why?"

"Some Jewish girls at least look like gentile girls," she said and I think a part of her was a little sad for what she was saying though I wasn't sure if she was sad at the truth or sad because it bothered her. "I do not. I have the hair and the nose and, well, I'm not going the grace the cover of Seventeen Magazine any time soon, if ever."

"I think you're beautiful," I said.

She just gave me a sad smile. I knew that Negroes usually were expected to only date amongst themselves but it never occurred to me that white folks would be grouped like that.

"So, what about the Jewish boys?" I asked. "Don't they want to ask you out?"

"Not often," she said, "I think a lot of them want to ask out the ones who could pass for gentile or maybe they just want a girl that isn't such a loudmouth."

"But you've had boyfriends?" I asked.

"A few," she answered, "They didn't last long."

I thought for a while.

"Is it okay for you to date someone who isn't Jewish?"

"Date, yeah," she said, "Beyond that can get more complicated-not impossible but complicated."

I hadn't given much thought to anything but dating her but then I realized that dating couldn't go on forever and eventually if I wanted to keep spending time with her I might have to deal with whatever she thought was so complicated.

"What happens to us in the fall?" I asked.

"Why should anything happen to us?"

"You're going to school," I said.

"I told you," she said, "It's only Ann Arbor. I can drive here, you can drive there. College schedules aren't the same as high school schedules and I won't have the same curfew. We'll be able to see more of each other than we do now."

"Will you still want to?"

"James!" she sat up quick, nearly spilling the bottle of Faygo in her hand. "How could you even ask such a question?"

"You must have asked it yourself a time or two," I said looking at the blanket we was on like it was the most interesting thing I'd ever laid eyes on.

"I haven't," she said softly, "Not once. I love you. I can't believe you'd doubt that."

I had sat up too by then and I looked as deep into her eyes as I could which was pretty deep and she never even blinked when she said it. I know some folks get pretty good at lying but not many can still hold your stare like she did me that day.

"I don't doubt what you feel for me," I said still holding her gaze, "I just doubt whether you'll keep feeling it."

"So you're afraid I'm going to run off with some college boy and get married and break your heart, is that it?" she asked. I felt stupid but I nodded.

"Well, I find it highly unlikely that I would do such a thing," she said, "Even if any of them would be interested."

I thought to say more but the topic seemed to be closed so I didn't. I decided to move to something lighter and asked where the kids in Bloomfield Hills went for dinner before prom and if she wanted to go with friends or not. It made for a nice chat on the drive back to the garage. It wasn't dark yet when we got there so I decided to see if Joanie wanted to go on a little walk to meet someone. She seemed happy that I'd want to make that sort of introduction. I had been reluctant before for her to spend time with my friends. We went around the corner and there was Emma sitting on Al's porch. They often spent evenings together. They wasn't sweet on each other or nothing like that but I think they just figured that if they was both just sitting on their porches watching the people then they might just as well sit on the same porch and have some conversation as well. I walked up holding onto Joanie's hand and I felt her fingers tense around mine. She had only really met Al in passing and hadn't met Emma at all.

"Well lookie here who decided to wander over to spend a bit of evening with us, Emma," Al said, "It's young Jimmy."

I rolled my eyes at him and just focused my attention on Emma.

"Hey Emma," I said and couldn't get over the smile she had. I guessed this might be what it would be like to take a girl home to my folks, if I had decent ones, anyway. "I thought I'd bring Joanie over to meet you. Joanie, this is Emma Shannon, she sees to it none of us starve or get too uncivilized. Emma this is Joan Cohen."

We were on the porch by that time and Joanie held out her hand to Emma but Emma just walked right past it and pulled Joanie into a hug.

"Oh you sweet thing," Emma was gushing at her and I don't think Joanie quite knew how to act. Emma could have that effect on people, of course she could be tougher than shoe leather too if she was of a mind to.

"It's nice to meet you Miss or is it Mrs. Shannon?"

"It's Emma," she answered and then set to fussing over poor Joanie. "Oh Jimmy, she's so pretty. And this hair, the things I have done to my poor hair to try for ringlets like this."

Joanie was speechless and so was I. I don't think I'd seen Emma go on like that ever. She fussed over Lou some and always called her Louise or some cutesy variation but I don't think I'd ever seen Emma react this way to anyone. I've thought on it every so often through the years and I think she worried more about me than the others sometimes because I was such a loner. I was part of the group but, having dropped out, I wasn't as inside the group as if I'd stayed. I was sort of like an older brother who's cool and doesn't bust your ass so you do want to hang out with him but he's older and can't always relate. I wasn't even that much older but I was living the life of someone who was and I was getting more and more off by myself as the time went on. I think she was just happy I'd made a connection of some sort and she knew how happy Joanie made me. Maybe she knew that she was the closest thing to a mom I was going to have to bring Joanie to meet and wanted to do it up right. I still don't know and it's far too late to ask her.

"Don't I get to be introduced too, Jimmy?" Al piped up. That man was the biggest pain in my ass sometimes. He had met her although never formally introduced.

"Joanie, this is Al Hunter."

"It's a pleasure to meet you, Mr. Hunter," she said and held out her hand. I could see her bracing herself in case she got hugged some more but he just took her hand. Instead of shaking it though he kissed the back of it. He always had claimed to be quite the ladies man and he even had Joanie blushing and stifling a giggle at his action. We sat down and talked a bit. Emma had made some fresh iced tea and it went nice on that evening. I don't recall any of us saying anything of great import but sometimes those are the best conversations to have on a front porch in the beginning of spring. Only one thing would have made it better and that would have been the Tiger game on the radio but it was Sunday and they had played in the afternoon.

I remember I had a vision then and I wasn't sure if it was a happy vision or comforting or if it scared me a bit. Probably it did all three. I just had a vision of someday sitting on a porch watching neighborhood kids play and ultimately get called in for bed time and sipping iced tea and looking over and seeing Joanie there. In this vision, we were much older and had children of our own that were way past an age of being called in for bed time. I know it scared me some to realize it but unless Joanie fell for some college guy or voiced an objection to it, I knew that my days of playing the field or even of swearing off of women were far behind me. I can tell you now, at the ripe old age I have achieved that I didn't miss those days a lick.

* * *

><p><strong>I don't think there's too much in this chapter. I am sure that most have figured this out but Bloomfield Hills is a rather affluent suburb of Detroit and has a sizeable Jewish population and boasts one of the oldest reform Jewish temples in the area. Other than that just a mention of Faygo. Faygo is a sodapop made in Detroit and still very popular among Michiganders and apparently the fans of a band named Insane Clown Posse. I do not know why but my son the metal head could tell you. Anyway, aside from Verner's which is a ginger soda (not a ginger ale...it is MUCH more gingery than ginger ale) that is also made here in fact the commercial jingle for Verner's for a while was "Verner's it's what we drink around here" Faygo is just that thing that we all know. I am not sure how far out of the state you can still get Faygo and I am fairly certain there is no international market for it. We love it though. It is still less expensive than other sodas and comes in way more flavors. My older son could live on the red pop and I am a sucker for grape or peach (our local Meijer-another Michigan thing-actually carries 20 oz bottles of diet peach giant hearts for them) and my husband loves the rock and rye which I think is like a colacream soda blend. Other son is root beer or orange I think though he's less picky about sodas...anyway, few brands offer those choices and still sell them all in individual sized bottles. And if you're in Detroit and say some of the taco stands, you can still get it in the glass bottles..what a treat that is. Okay, enough of my Michigan gushing...I do love this state. **

**Oh and I am sorry it has taken a bit to get to this chapter...I have been working the first revision of my novel. It is done! But like I said, working on first revision which is actually more labor intensive than writing the thing to begin with. After this revision will come printing out the manuscript and handing it out to friends with red pencils and letting them get it ready for seeking an agent...so much work and yet so close now to getting to that next glorious step. Oh yeah and recently reconnected with an old friend from college who I had a massive crush on and got to talking about his book which is much further along the process than mine...when it gets published (and it will, I just know it) I will shamelessly plug it here...I have been priviledged enough to read the manuscript (he sent it to me as a birhtday present!) and it is really good stuff! So I have been busy with that and then there is the start of school. I believe that those who have followed my writing a while already know that my boys have special needs which makes the start of school super busy and tiring. But school starts next week and after that, I think I will have more time to devote to writing and this one is really going places. I have so much ground to cover on this story. I don't know if anyone has figured out where this is going...you'd need to know some history of the city to guess it totally...but this is a saga to be sure...it will stretch some years before all is said and done. I love you all for hopping aboard with me for this journey. I wish I could take you all out to the Corner for a game and then to Boblo for some fun but writing is the closest to a time machine I have.-J**


	7. Chapter 7

The weeks leading to prom were busy for all of us. It wasn't enough that we had work and the others had school, there were serious plans to be made, at least they seemed serious at the time. The other guys was picking up as much extra work around Al's as he could give them so they could take their dates out to dinner. That was the nice thing about having a full-time job; I never had to scramble for things like that. I got paid a decent wage and my own needs were simple so having extra money to spend on something like taking my girl out was easy enough to accomplish. Of course, since Joanie was the only one of us in school, she had to buy the tickets but I insisted on giving her the money. Emma and Teaspoon had taught me enough of how a gentleman ought to act. Besides, I wanted her to have the same prom experience the rest of her friends would have. Just 'cause she was dating a loser from town shouldn't keep her from having the night girls dream of. Oh, I had it bad alright and I didn't care a bit-still don't.

Ike was getting more and more nervous as the time went on. He hadn't dated a lot of girls and had fallen for this one hard. We was all thankful that Annie was a nice girl who wasn't going to play with his feelings. I think she was almost as shy as he was and it was kind of sweet to see the two of them together. Still he fretted nearly every day. He didn't talk any more than usual but we all knew what was bothering him. I tried to reassure him and so did Kid and Buck. Even Billy stopped his teasing and tried to calm poor Ike down.

It felt strange to know that I was going to a prom but that I wasn't going to be at the same one they was. Theirs was the same night as Joanie's so everyone had to promise to take lots of pictures we could all share later. Still, Emma caught me as I was getting ready to climb into my car to head to Joanie's for the big night and insisted on taking a picture of me in my suit. I think she looked about ready to cry. I'll never understand women but I've come closer through the years. When my own kids were gussied up for their proms and weddings, I know I felt myself tear up a little bit. I still don't understand the whys of it but I know it happened.

I was kind of nervous and maybe a little scared too driving out to Joanie's that day. I still hadn't met any of her friends and I wasn't sure how I'd be received though I was in a suit and wouldn't stick out too bad, except for the hair. I pulled up in front of her house and snatched the corsage off the passenger seat before heading to the door. Mr. Cohen was waiting for me as I climbed the porch steps. It was really just a stoop on the front of the house but there was a huge deck on the back. Joanie said her folks had a lot of cookouts and parties out there. I had already been instructed to keep the fourth of July free. Mr. Cohen shook my hand as I walked in and told me she was close to ready.

"Or at least that's what Gladys yelled down to me when I told them you were here," he said. I understand that now but didn't have enough experience with women and how long they could take to ready themselves at the time. We sat and stuck to safe topics like the Tigers and how disappointing the Red Wings had been going down in the first round like they had and to Toronto too. I saw Mrs. Cohen come down the stairs and stood up, Al had told me that I should stand when a lady entered the room. Then I saw the most beautiful thing I had ever laid my eyes on. Joanie was coming down the stairs in this powder blue dress. It went off her shoulder and had this puffy skirt made out of material that looked like a kind of net. Her hair was up and there was a little spray of white flowers poking out of it. I'd seen her wear a little make up in the past but she had done her eyes all up for this night and they were so big, I thought I might get sucked right into them. Joanie's eyes always were one of my favorite things about her. Her lips were shining with just a little glossy stuff. It wasn't like the bright red lipstick that some women wore and it was perfect, she was perfect. She smiled at me.

"Hey there handsome," she said. She always did know when I needed someone else to break the ice for me.

"You are beautiful," I said at last. She would joke at me about that sometimes thinking I had misspoke but I didn't mean she looked beautiful just then. I really meant that she was beautiful. I took out the corsage that Emma had helped pick out. She told me it would be less awkward for me if I got one that went on her wrist and helped me to find one with pretty white flowers so they would match any dress she might get. I think it had a gardenia on it. Yeah, it did 'cause Joanie always had a liking for gardenias after that.

We must've posed for a thousand pictures and some had to be taken with Al's camera he sent with me. Emma's was taking pictures of my friends and their dates. Finally we were off to dinner. I had made reservations which was new to me. I'd never been to any place you had to reserve a place at.

I wish I could say I remember every detail of that night but I don't. It's just been too many years. I remember that powder blue dress and Joanie's big eyes and I remember slow dancing with her head against my chest and that the light smell of lilacs seemed to surround her. I remember she smiled a lot and I guess I must have too. I still have some of the pictures and the copies of the ones I got of the guys.

Kid and Lou looked so happy and I guess they were. She looked lovely in a lemon yellow dress that Emma had made for her and Kid looked proud enough the buttons should have busted right off his shirt. Of course any man escorting a lady that pretty anywhere ought to be proud. He proposed to her that night so I guess he had even more reason to be proud 'cause he knew he'd always be escorting that lovely creature. Ike and Annie made a sweet couple. The pictures I have are black and white so I have been told her dress was light purple but I have to take the word of the others on that. I did see Lou in her yellow dress so I know that.

I remember I didn't want that night to end ever and I just stood on her front step for a while hoping to delay the end. We kissed quite a lot, I do recall that. We kissed until the porch light came on next to us. Joanie laughed and said goodnight and I went home. I didn't go to my apartment that night, I climbed up the next flight of stairs and spread the blanket on the roof and stared at the stars all night and kept replaying her walk down the stairs.

* * *

><p>The rest of the school year was a blur of phone calls during the week and then Friday's and Sunday's spent together. Sometimes we hung out with the gang and sometimes on our own. There were a lot of those Friday nights spent on the roof looking up at the stars. My birthday came along and she brought me a cake. I don't know who told her it was my birthday but she was there and actually put nineteen candles on the thing. It's a good thing I didn't smoke like a lot of guys did then or I wouldn't have been able to blow them all out. She had baked the cake herself. She was quite a cook, as if I needed another reason to love her. Finally school came to an end and she wanted me at her graduation. It wasn't the same day as the rest of my friends were graduating so that made things easier. I didn't graduate or see the need in it for myself but I was real proud of the guys and of Joanie. She was salutatorian. I didn't even know what that was until she told me. She seemed miffed that she wasn't valedictorian and that it had gone to a boy. Joanie never did take kindly to something like sex or race determining who got something. I don't suppose it helped her anger that the boy was a blue-eyed blonde with the last name of Henderson so he certainly wasn't Jewish. I was even wondering if there was something to her argument. They had the same grades and her A's were in just as hard of classes as his were and she was just as involved in clubs and things as he had been. I sure could see her point. But I also had the feeling that she'd get the last laugh on Mr. Lawrence Henderson.<p>

Joanie's graduation party was pretty uncomfortable for me. I had to meet a lot of her family. Mr. and Mrs. Cohen and Judy liked me a lot, I could tell and none of them had any reservations about me dating Joanie but her grandfather Cohen and her aunts and uncles were less than thrilled with me. I could sure see their point too but there wasn't a lot I could do about who I was. School and I were never going to get along. I could change the way I dressed and wore my hair but I was never going to be a lawyer like Mr. Cohen or a teacher like Mrs. Cohen. I was a grease monkey car mechanic and that was the best I could hope for. Someday I wanted my own shop like Al had but that was a ways off at that time. There wasn't much else I guy like me could hope for. Joanie stayed by me though and somehow they softened a little bit. She kept saying things in some language I didn't understand. I do a little now but I never got good at Yiddish like she was. All I know is whatever she said calmed them. At some point I should have asked what she told them but I think I was too afraid.

At night, after the guests had gone home and her parents had gone to bed, Joanie and I sat out on the deck and held hands.

"You're grandfather doesn't think I can take care of you," I said. I felt a little strange saying it because we hadn't talked about forever or anyone taking care of anyone.

"He doesn't understand I don't need to be taken care of."

"What do you need?" I asked and I suddenly really needed to know.

"I just need to be loved," she said, "And respected and listened to but I think those fall in place with being loved."

"I love you," I said and it was as much said in wonderment to myself that I might just have all I needed to have to be with this girl but I did get scared for a moment because it was the first time I had ever said it to her. I hadn't said it often in the past. I felt it but usually only hauled out the words when I thought it might help me get into some girl's panties. I was just a boy after all. I'd like to say I wasn't that guy who would lie or play on a girl's emotions to get sex but that would be a lie in itself. I never lied to my own daughter about it either. I figured she was best off knowing what some boys were like.

It was real quiet for a while and I didn't know what to do. It was the first time I had said those words and not been actively trying to get somewhere with a girl. I just said it 'cause I meant it. That's a pretty vulnerable place to be. She had said she loved me before then so it wasn't like I thought it would be left dangling but she still didn't say anything right away and that was the longest minute or so of my life. The breeze even stopped for that moment as if the world itself was holding its breath awaiting her reply.

She squeezed my hand tighter.

"I know you do," she said at last, "And you respect me and you listen to me, even when I rant. The best thing though is that I love you too. So I guess that makes you exactly what I need."

We stayed quiet for a while and then out of the blue she started talking again, as if the big "L" word had not just come out of my mouth. Like I might have mentioned before, Joanie seemed to have a sixth sense about when I was uncomfortable or didn't know what to say or felt I had said something wrong.

"So Kid and Lou are getting married?" she asked like it's what we'd been talking about all evening.

"Yeah," I answered, "And I think Ike might not be too far behind them. Buck's been seeing Carol for ages and I think it's just a matter of time before he pops the question. If we could only find someone who wants to deal with Bill for any amount of time, we'd be all set."

"Aren't you forgetting someone?" she asked and I knew what she meant though I played dumb.

"Al?" I asked, "He's already been married a couple times, he divorced one and the other passed away. I don't think he'll be up for marrying anyone again."

"James," she said scowling at me, "You aren't quite as cute as you think you are."

"I know and I knew what you meant," I said kind of sheepish, "Well, I'm not opposed to marriage, I guess and I do have a lovely young lady I sure do like spending time with. But she and I haven't really talked of such things and I don't want to go speaking for her thoughts on the subject of marriage and specifically how she'd feel about getting stuck with me forever."

"That's very forward thinking of you, James. Most men just assume that all women are looking for a ring and a white dress. Some girls have other priorities although even those still think that getting married in due time might be kind of nice. I think you should talk more to this young lady of yours and see how she feels."

This seemingly light conversation had gotten very heavy very quickly but I had walked right into it so I guessed I just had to keep going.

"So how do you feel about marriage, Joanie?" I asked.

She smiled and thought a moment.

"I really want to get my degree first and then marriage sounds like a nice idea. But I'd be awful particular about the guy. He'd have to be very special."

"Tell me about him," I said, "Then I can keep an eye out for your Prince Charming."

"Oh he'd be tall and handsome. He'd love me even when I was ranting and raving about things he didn't care that much about. He'd think I was beautiful. He'd let me drag him to art museums on perfectly beautiful spring days. He'd hold the door for me but still know it wasn't because I was too weak to do it myself. He'd care about all people, no matter their skin color or religion. Oh yeah and he'd be a great kisser. That is just a must."

I couldn't help auditioning for the role of Prince Charming and kissing her right then. When we parted, she smiled at me with a gleam in her eye. I learned in time that it was a mischievous gleam.

"I think you'll do just fine," she said, "If you can hold out and wait for me to finish school."

"I'm sure I can manage that," I said and the enormity of what had happened didn't hit me until later that night. I hadn't exactly asked her to marry me and she hadn't exactly said yes and there was no ring but still I think we had promised to marry each other all the same. I panicked for a second or so and then decided that it wasn't a bad thing at all.

* * *

><p><strong>Wow...I actually didn't see that coming...well, I did but not there...I don't think there were any references in this one that need defining. Loves to you all!-J<strong>


	8. Chapter 8

"Emma," I said, "I told you, the Cohen's said you didn't have to bring anything."

She finished climbing into my car balancing the large bowl on her lap.

"I know what you said, Jimmy," she answered, "But I am not turning up empty handed and you said Joanie liked my potato salad."

There was not going to be any arguing with that woman, she just had her ideas of things and they weren't about to change for anyone.

Al settled into the back seat with Bill. Ike and Annie were riding with Buck and Carol while the newlyweds were driving separate.

It had been a real small wedding. I was best man and managed to not lose the rings so I guess I was a success. Lou's dad was long gone so Al walked her down the aisle. Her mom was far too sick to come so Theresa stood as her maid of honor and Emma took over the job of weepy mother of the bride. Joanie made them a cake. I had no idea but she took some class on how to decorate cakes. It was real pretty. Emma made some changes to Lou's prom dress and it was such a light yellow that you could hardly tell that it wasn't white. Lou said it wouldn't have been proper to wear white anyway. I asked her why and Joanie whispered to me that only virgins were supposed to wear white. I think that's stupid and even at the time I'll bet there were a lot of liars strolling down aisles in the wrong color dresses. I'm told it don't matter anymore. Hell, my own little girl wore white and she and my son-in-law were living together three years before they tied the knot. She's a mom herself now so I guess there's proof but I don't like thinking of my baby girl as anything but virginal. Still even I would have to admit she probably wasn't on her wedding day. Lou had blushed when she said it and I still don't know why. I guess virginity is different for girls. Hell, I know it is 'cause as much as I like to think of my daughter as being pure as the driven snow, I was proud in a way of my son when he lost his virginity. But Lou was so much one of the guys that I didn't think anything of it when she and Kid went all the way. Though it was the first time I wasn't all congratulations when one of my buddies got some. I remember telling him that if he ever hurt her, I might just forget we was friends. But he'd made an honest woman of her as the saying went and I don't think a happier bride was to be found.

So there we were on July 4, heading out to Bloomfield Hills to a cookout with Joanie and her family. Some of the guys were nervous but I told them not to be, the family was really nice. It was one of the best days I can remember. Everyone was together and laughing and eating. Emma and Mrs. Cohen hit it off and it was funny 'cause it was like my folks was meeting her folks even though Al and Emma weren't really my folks. Turned out Al and Mr. Cohen had plenty to talk about which was a good thing. Judy, who usually spent her time staring at me enough to make me uncomfortable, decided that she liked Bill's blue eyes plenty and spent the day staring at him. He was real good with kids so he was nice to her. But then a friend of Joanie's, Mary Lou caught sight of him and had his attention the rest of the day and into the evening. Mary Lou was a nice enough girl but I know his looks wasn't all she was noticing. His family life made him a lot more desirable and attractive to her than the rest of us would have been. But she really did like him too. I have never before seen a woman actually find Bill funny. I guess she hadn't heard the jokes a thousand times already so they were new and fresh to her. I would have been happier for him that day but his attention moving to Mary Lou only brought Judy's gaze back to me. If I had been five years younger, she'd have caught my eye for sure but I wasn't and she didn't. Besides, I was far too in love with her older sister to really be able to pay any other girl much mind.

I noticed Lou sidling up to me and I turned to see what she needed.

"Jimmy, what does mazel tov mean?" she asked, "People keep coming up to me and saying it, to Kid too. They're smiling so I been thanking them but should I be."

I smiled. It was one of the few things I did understand in Yiddish.

"It means 'congratulations'," I said, "You know, 'cause they know you just got hitched."

She looked relieved. It was then I heard the yelling from inside and I recognized one of the voices immediately as Joanie's. The argument was short and ended with Joanie running out of the house slamming the door behind her and stalking up to her mother. She was crying and I went over to her.

"You talk to that fercockte woman because I can't anymore!" she yelled at Mrs. Cohen. I gathered she'd been arguing with her grandmother Goldman, Mrs. Cohen's mother.

"Joanie, calm down," her mother tried to soothe, "She's an old woman."

"Mammala," Joanie pleaded, "She called me a nafka."

I saw Mrs. Cohen stiffen at that word though I didn't know at the time what it meant. I know now and I don't know how Mrs. Cohen didn't go right in and slap the old lady. I know it was her mother but still I think I would have slapped the Mother Theresa herself if she called my daughter a whore.

Mrs. Cohen didn't run in and confront her mother; she just pulled Joanie into a hug and smoothed her hair.

"I knew she'd be upset he's a goy," Joanie went on and not knowing what 'goy' meant, I didn't know she was talking about me. "But to call me that. Does she think it's so easy for a klutzy meeskait like me?"

She started crying again and I really didn't know why. It used to bother me sometimes when they would sprinkle Yiddish into whatever they said, especially since it seemed the Yiddish words were the ones you really needed to know to understand what was going on. I felt myself pulled away and looked to see Mr. Cohen's face trying to be sympathetic to me. He put a bottle of Stroh's in my hand and sat me down at the table on the deck.

"James that conversation is nowhere a man needs to be right now," he said.

"But she's crying," I said, "Shouldn't I be there to do something?"

"There's nothing you can right now," he looked sad when he said those words. I knew even then it was because he didn't like seeing his daughter hurting anymore than I liked seeing my girl hurting.

"What was the fight about?" I asked.

"You," he said, "Bubbe Goldman doesn't like that you are goyishe, not Jewish. She is very old fashioned in ways that Gladys and I are not."

I started seeing how complicated things could get. I wasn't sure Joanie had thought this through before dating me. Mr. Cohen could read the look on my face.

"You aren't causing a problem between Joanie and her grandmother," he said, "They've always butted heads. Joanie is a very strong willed person and that has never set right with my mother-in-law. I think Joanie takes after my own mother. Mama would have loved you."

I still didn't understand all of what had been said.

"Mr. Cohen?" I began, "I know what klutzy means but what is meeskait? She called herself that and I don't know what she was saying."

"It means an unattractive or ugly woman. It's hard to have such Jewish features in this society."

I know I looked shocked and that made Joanie's father smile at me. He looked over to where Joanie was more calmly talking to her mother and grandmother. Well, she was attempting to stay calm. I started to speak, to say she wasn't a meeskait but I could see I would have been preaching to the choir on that. He just smiled again and spoke.

"You could probably wander over there without a fear that you'll get hauled into a shemozzle. And you should learn this phrase: 'Bei mir bist du sheyn'. Before you ask, it means what your look says right now."

I walked over to the women and was still a little ticked at the oldest among them for making Joanie cry and it was a good thing that I still didn't know at that time what 'nafka' meant. That woman and I never did get along and it was even frostier between us once I knew what she had called her own grandchild. If I saw my daughter or any of my granddaughters walking the street asking men if they wanted to party and charging for it, I wouldn't use that word to them. It's just not what you say to family. I could hear Joanie's pleading voice as I walked up.

"Luzzem Bubbe!" she yelled. "Ikh hob im lib."

Her grandmother gasped but said nothing but when she saw me she did this thing where she sort of spat at me. I learned later that night after everyone had headed for home and Joanie and I were just sitting and talking that she was warding off the evil eye. That woman was convinced that I would bring death and destruction to her family.

We sat down in the lounge chairs that night side by side and were quiet for a while. She seemed so lost in her thoughts and I knew some of them were of her grandmother's words. She only had one grandmother left and had only briefly known her grandmother Cohen. I knew she tried not to take seriously the old world ways of her Bubbe but then it was hard for her because she did love the old woman and knew the woman's worries came of a love for her as well. I didn't know what to do to make her feel better so I thought I'd try what her father had told me to say.

"Bei mir bist du sheyn," I said hoping the man hadn't told me to tell her that I have purple cows grazing behind my house or something equally crazy.

She smiled.

"I know," she said, "It's part of the reason I love you so much though I do think you need your eyes checked sometimes."

I just stared stupidly at her and she laughed. It was a beautiful sound even though it was directed at me because it was the first laughter since her showdown with her Bubbe.

"Daddy told you to say that, didn't he?"

I nodded.

"And he didn't tell you what it meant, did he?"

I shook my head.

She laughed again, "It means 'You're beautiful to me'."

"Well, you are," I said a little defensively.

"I know," she said kind of sad like, "I didn't believe it at first. Some guys will say anything to have a girl put out. They don't even have to be pretty for a man to want sex."

It sort of shocked me at that time to hear a woman use that word to describe that act but Joanie never batted an eye. I wasn't sure if I should be offended that she thought I would lie to her for sex or angry that from the sound of it, there had been some who had. I decided I couldn't be that offended. I had lied to get girls to put out before. She seemed to understand my anger but I think she misunderstood it a little.

"None of them succeeded," she said quickly, "But it was not for a lack or trying. If you were lying to get somewhere, you'd have tried something before now. I decided a while ago that you must be telling me the truth."

"Joanie," I said and I was upset but I wasn't sure why exactly. "It is the truth. I don't know what it is about you but I was in love the minute I laid eyes on you."

She smiled and it was the satisfied smile some women get when they have a man right where they want them but it was different in a way because those women know their beauty and expect to turn a man inside out. Joanie had never had that expectation.

"Will you do something for me?" I asked and she looked up with her eyebrows raised. "Never call yourself a meeskait again."

She shifted and before I knew what was happening, she was on the same lounge chair as me. She was half on top of me.

"Deal," she whispered in my ear, "As long as you stop calling yourself names and acting like you don't deserve everything everyone else does. Sure Bubbe sees you as a schlimazel but the rest of my family thinks you're wonderful."

I could barely think with her being so close. I think I had her on some pedestal up to that point. I know I fantasized a great deal about being with her like that but when she was really near me, it just felt wrong to try anything with her. I kissed her plenty but kept my hands in respectable places. She was just lying there in my arms and I had to shift around so as not to embarrass myself with her finding out what it was doing to me to have her there. I didn't want her to move but I also didn't think she was offering anything there on the deck with her parents sleeping just inside. She giggled at me.

"You act like you're scared of me, James," she said.

"No," I said, "I'm scared of me."

I'd never had a second thought about if I was going too far with a girl before but I hadn't ever cared before if she was still there the next day.

"Why are you scared?" she asked. For such a smart girl, I was surprised she couldn't figure it out.

"I want certain things when you're close," I said, "And I don't want to pressure you. I've pressured girls in the past and you mean too much to me now."

Joanie pulled back from me and I regretted my words. I was sure she wasn't happy to know how I had acted before.

"Well, even if you wanted to try to pressure me," she said, "It wouldn't do you any good here and now."

"I know that," I said.

"You'll get what you want at some point and you won't have to pressure me to get it," she went on and I was, well, I don't know the word for what I was but it's something stronger than surprised. "Girls have wants too."

Her words didn't help my predicament and I think she knew it. I could see her amusement mixed with a bashful look as well. She knew what was happening to me but at that time had little experience with men in that state. I know she wasn't sure what else to say and I wasn't either. Joanie, as she always did, sensed that I was uncertain and maybe a little shocked at what she'd said. I hadn't ever considered that girls wanted sex too.

"So," she said and her tone let me know she was changing the subject. "Al said he'd give you next week off so you can come up to the cabin with us."

I sighed. She'd been asking since Lou and Kid's wedding and I had been dodging and using excuses like Al wouldn't let me off work and stuff like that. I should've known Mr. Cohen or even Joanie herself would bring it up with Al.

"Why don't you want to go?" she asked. "Is it spending that much time with my parents?"

"I can't say I'm comfortable with that much time in a car with them," I answered, "But that's not all. I guess I'm just not the cabin in the woods kind of guy."

"Have you ever been in a cabin or a woods?" she asked.

Well, that was the issue right there. I had never been outside civilization. Hell, I'd never seen a farm that wasn't in some picture book back in grade school or on the TV. The woods was just too different and I didn't know what to expect and that made me a little scared.

"It's only a week," she said, "It's one of my favorite places and I'd really like to share it with you." She paused. "Please, James."

Yeah, I was a sucker for those big dark eyes of hers and I agreed to go. I regretted it as soon as the words were out of my mouth but there was no taking them back. I was now officially part of the Cohen family summer vacation in the great wild north.

I only had a few days to prepare to leave for the cabin and I worried through all of them. Friday, which was the day before we left, I remember storming into Al's office.

"Why did you say I could have the time off next week?" I asked, no, I demanded. "You know we are swamped with work. There's no way I'll have that Fury done and ready before we close today."

"Sit down son," was all Al said. But he said it with a smile I was more than half tempted to remove with my fist. I did sit though.

"What's really bothering you, Jimmy?" he asked, "'Cause I know you ain't worrying yourself silly over that Plymouth out there."

"I just ain't sure about this trip," I said. I was scared as hell of that trip was the truth of it but I wasn't sure how to say it and even less sure how to explain it.

"Sounds like a great trip to me," Al said, "Fresh air, fishing, and a pretty girl to sit beside the campfire and admire the stars with."

"I can sit and watch stars with Joanie on the roof," I said looking to argue any way I could.

"There's more stars where you're going."

"More of a lot of other things too," I said.

"You scared of the mosquitoes hauling you away?" he asked.

I shook my head and said, "Bears."

He laughed for a while and I wanted to hit him again.

"There might just be some up there but they want even less of you than you want of them," he said once he quit laughing at me. "They eat fish and bugs and berries, not people. And they surely don't want some greasy little city boy like you. Why you'd mess his digestion up a good week."

I still wasn't sure about going and he could tell.

"Look son, Joanie wants to show this place to you and you want to make Joanie happy," he said like he was talking to a three year old. "Go, give it a chance and then see if you don't just have a good time in spite of yourself."

* * *

><p><strong>Okay, um, a Fury is a model that Plymouth used to make...I think Chryseler doesn't even make Plymouths anymore and they discontinued the Fury ages ago. There was a fair amount of Yiddish in here and I know some of it is translated for you in the course of the story. Um Fercockte means crazy, messed up, etc. Luzzem means leave him alone or let him be. Bubbe is grandma. Ikh hob im lib is I love him. Schlimazel is sort of a ne'er do well, a bum I guess. Shemozzle is a quarrel or brawl. I think I covered them all but if I didn't, ask please. There will be more to come of the Yiddish and heaven help us all. Anyway, here it is and next up Jimmy goes on a road trip with Joanie and the rest of the Cohen's. Good times.-J<strong>


	9. Chapter 9

In the wee hours of a Saturday morning in July, the wee hours being the only relief you get from the heat and humidity in Michigan that time of year, I found myself in the back seat of the Cohen family Nomad. Judy was still half asleep and was lying down in the back with the luggage and supplies so I got the back seat to myself with Joanie. It wasn't even starting to get light when we took off. I didn't mind, I hadn't slept anyway and besides, it's a good and hefty drive to the U.P. It's still a long drive but now it's just a straight shot up 75. Then, 75 didn't go all the way and there were interruptions where 10 was 75 for a bit and other places where you'd end up on just two lane highway. It for sure wasn't the great expressway it is now.

We drove for what seemed like forever and then stopped for lunch. Mr. Cohen said we were most of the way to Mackinac City which sort of struck me. That's a ways north. Mr. and Mrs. Cohen looked at each other and smiled and then made some comment about how they were making better time than they thought they would. Judy made this happy squeal and Joanie hugged her parents. I had no idea what was going on. We got back on the road and made Mackinac City in less than half an hour and before I knew it, we were getting ready to board a ferry. I'd heard of the island, I guess but never had been there. It's quite an experience. The ride over to the island was not really any different than the one over to Boblo. Once we were on land, Joanie grabbed my arm and drug me off. The rest of her family didn't even take notice. Next thing I knew, I was in a little shop and Joanie was buying fudge and taffy and then she pulled me back out on the street where we were dodging horse drawn carriages. We rented bicycles and I followed her on a guided-by her-tour of the island. She had obviously been there many times and knew all the history and the cool landmarks like Arch Rock. In time we were in this wonderful grassy spot and we sat down with a couple of cokes she had grabbed and the sweets she bought. I like saltwater taffy and all but taffy is pretty much taffy. But if you've never had Mackinac Island fudge, you need to get some. You won't find better fudge anywhere else, I guarantee it.

We met back up with the rest of her family and found a little restaurant they were familiar with and got some supper. A ferry ride back to the mainland and we were back on our way. I have to say I wasn't at all prepared for the next leg of the trip. I knew Big Mack had been finished by then but I hadn't ever seen it. I had seen the Ambassador Bridge of course; I could see that from the roof. I hadn't even been on it, just never found a reason at that point to head to Canada. But nothing was longer than the Mackinac at that time and I think even now there's only a couple longer in the world. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't nervous about crossing it and I was glad I wasn't driving because I think I would've froze right up.

"Isn't it beautiful?" Joanie asked me. I nodded and I was real glad she took my hand. Damn, if she didn't always know just what I needed. We set out on the bridge and I tried to just see how beautiful it was but all I could see is the bridge collapsing and us dropping into the water. Joanie scooched herself over and laid her head on my chest and just started talking to me about how beautiful the bridge was, how the cables swooped up and down and made such pretty lines and how peaceful the water looked from up there, how you couldn't even see a wave. Next thing I knew and we were in the U.P. and Joanie smiled up at me. I think if I had been with any other girl I would have been shamed to have been that scared but she wasn't teasing or anything. I know now, in my own advanced years that everyone has things that scare them and there's no shame in being a human. Joanie had her own fears and I'd get to know those in time and even be able to get her through some of 'em like she did for me.

I thought once we were north of the bridge, we'd be there but I think at the time I didn't know how much land there was up there in God's country. We made a stop not long after the crossing and everyone got out. Mr. Cohen looked at me and Joanie and asked which one of us wanted to drive. Joanie looked at me.

"You drive and I'll navigate," she said. I took the keys.

It wasn't long before the early start took its toll on Mr. and Mrs. Cohen and they were asleep in the back seat, her head on his shoulder. It was almost hard for me to keep my eyes on the road 'cause I hadn't ever seen people their age that affectionate. Surely not my own folks. Joanie slid over and rested her head on my shoulder.

"Don't fall asleep now," I said, "I won't have the slightest idea where to go."

"I won't," she answered, "I just like being close to you."

There are little moments that come to you now and again and some of them are the terrible sad ones that ambush you and get you near to tears out of the blue but some are the peaceful ones you wish you could just live in forever. Driving into the growing darkness with the radio softly playing and Joanie's head resting against me is one I wish I could just be in forever. If there is a heaven and one day I'm lucky enough to get there, it won't be pearly gates or puffy clouds. It won't even be a day spent with my kids or my wedding day; it would be an eternity of that stillness and peace. We were still young enough that anything was possible. Our love was new and pure and Rosemary Clooney was softly crooning "Hey there, you with the stars in your eyes". Yeah, that's heaven if there is one.

Eventually we got where we were going and pulled up in front of the cabin. There was a lake right next to the cabin and I had to admit it was pretty there. Joanie woke her sister and parents and we set to unloading the car. Everyone was pretty tired so not much got done except for finding our own bags and changing for bed. Joanie and Judy shared a room and I had one to myself. I offered to sleep on the couch in the main room and let the girls have their space but Joanie wasn't having it, there were two cots in the room, she explained and they'd be just fine.

It took me a little bit to fall asleep because it was so still there. It's never quiet in the city and it's never dark either. It was both there and so much so that you'd almost get to thinking that you stopped existing entirely. If someone had communicated to me somehow that I'd gone blind and deaf in the same moment, I would have believed them. You'd think that would make sleep easier but it didn't 'cause I just wasn't used to it. I tossed and turned for a while and then stumbled my way to the main room feeling along the walls and found there was light in there. I let my eyes adjust for a moment and saw that it was Joanie up reading by a small lamp. I sat down next to her on the couch.

"Hey," she said without looking up at me.

"Hey," I replied, "I would've thought you'd be asleep."

"I couldn't," she said and then she turned to me and smiled. "I have an idea, come on."

She took my hand and pulled me outside and into that darkness which I saw was not total darkness. There was a near full moon that night and it cast quite a light. I let Joanie pull me down to the lake where she sat down on the sand of the beach area there. I sat next to her. It was a warm night and I think a little unusual for that far north to still be that warm after dark. Joanie pushed me to lie down on the sand and she snuggled close to me and rested her head on my chest.

"Listen to the water," she said and I did listen to it softly lap at the land. "You can't hear it inside but it's very relaxing."

"You're suggesting we sleep out here?" I asked, "Outside, I mean?"

She giggled at me, "People do sleep outside, you know."

"But, aren't there animals out here?" I argued.

"None that care anything about us," she said.

We did fall asleep right there, curled up together by the lake. The breeze and the sounds from the water were very soothing and soon I found I didn't care about what animals might be in the woods. I had Joanie in my arms and that was all I needed for sleep.

Now one thing you need to know is that when you sleep outside without anything over your head at all, not even a tent, you will wake at very first light. I was actually grateful for that since I didn't know how her folks would react to finding us cuddled on the sand together. We were both fully clothed but even so, a lot of parents would have some issues with that. But it didn't matter because we were up before anyone else and Joanie got coffee and breakfast started. I helped a bit. I've gotten much better through the years at cooking at the cabin but at that time I really didn't know what I was doing.

That week showed me everything I had been missing by living in the city. It was quiet and relaxed. We fished and walked in the woods which was something that scared me half to death at first but Joanie knew her way around and I grew to trust her. Judy was less annoying as the week went on; except for the day it rained.

We had lucked into a week of near perfect weather but there was the one day that it started raining before dawn and kept it up until after sundown. We played cards and other board games but Judy was prone to boredom so when Joanie and I tried to sit alone and talk for a bit, she set to pestering us. Luckily Joanie's folks saw it and distracted her so we could get some alone time. I think that's where Joanie got that sixth sense about when to step in and how to handle people.

I got to know Joanie's family real good that week. I don't just mean her dad and mom and sister, I mean the whole family history. The Cohen's were forced out of Russia by the Cossacks. I didn't even know that the Jews had been treated like that in Russia. It was humbling to hear how they had been forced out of their villages and scattered to the winds like that. I think I better understood and respected Zaydeh Cohen and disliked Bubbe Goldman all the more. She chose to come to a place where she didn't want to fit in and then fought it all the way. I know that if they had stayed in Austria, they would have been fleeing in time. But still, I guess I just look for excuses not to like that woman.

When you're born in this country, especially if your family has been here for generations, you forget the desperate circumstances that brought so many to our shores. Joanie's family was I guess an example of the reason for the words on the Statue of Liberty. It's so easy to get bogged down in fighting among ourselves and putting down anyone different. We forget that nearly all of us used to be the different ones. We forget that people came here for hope, not for people to try to take that hope away. I know, I'm sounding like Joanie used to. I don't mind it; I always respected that about her. I used to sometimes call her my battle maiden or warrior princess. When that Xena show came on the air years back that got to be her nickname for a while. She'd swat me and say "Oh James" and roll her eyes but there was a smile that said she was damned proud to be that fighter. I was damned proud of her too.

The last day we were there before we left was the perfect lazy day. We went swimming a bit and fished a bit and lay on the beach listening to music a bit. It was such a wonderful day and a part of me wanted to stay there forever. I guess that's the test of a good vacation though. If you are looking forward to getting back to your life, you couldn't have been having that good of a time. I suppose I was looking forward to seeing the guys again but it would've suited me just fine if they came up and I didn't have to go back home.

Night came and Mr. Cohen built a fire on the beach. We roasted marshmallows and made s'mores. That trip was the first time I had done either of those things. We sang songs around the fire, mostly old folk songs like Michael Row the Boat Ashore and things like that. Judy told a couple of silly ghost stories that she'd heard at Girl Scout camp. They were good for a laugh anyway.

You know I think what felt the best about that week wasn't the chance to relax or the roasting marshmallows or swimming or fishing or even the time I got with Joanie. It was seeing what a real family was like and seeing it from the inside. I know at that time I was just the boyfriend but I was treated like a member of the family. Mrs. Cohen would even hug me and kiss my cheek before she went off to bed just like I was one of her kids. Mr. Cohen quit shaking my hand and was more likely to clap me on the shoulder. Even Judy quit looking at me like she wished I was dating her and started looking to me like a big brother. I can't begin to explain what that meant to me or how it felt. A lot of people take that for granted and I guess it's something you should be able to. I know I worked hard to make it so my kids could take that family feeling and love for granted.

Mr. and Mrs. Cohen turned in for the night and Judy had to also. That left Joanie and me on the beach lying on a blanket looking at the stars. Al was right; there was more of 'em up there. I know that's not true, it's just that you can see more of them because there's no light pollution that far away from everything.

Joanie was so close to me I could feel her breath on my neck. Her voice was so soft it sort of seemed like it was coming from one of those tiny bits of light so far off in the distance. I turned my head and kissed her real deep. I could feel her snake her hands under my shirt. I was surprised because she hadn't ever done anything quite like that before but I took it as an invitation. I loved and respected that woman but I was not going to pass a chance to cop a feel, especially since she had worn that dress to prom that hinted at what was under her shirt. I wasn't disappointed but I was surprised when she began to undress me and to help me undress her. I panicked a second 'cause well, I had what the kids these days refer to as "protection" but they were in my wallet which was in the cabin. I started to tell her that. I really didn't want her to have to give up all of her plans because I knocked her up. That wasn't the deal we had.

Actually, to be honest, my first argument had nothing to do with the rubbers in my wallet and everything to do with having to ride an ungodly number of hours in a car with her father the next day.

"I'm just not sure I can face him for that long the morning after I…" I wasn't even sure how to finish that.

"After you deflowered his daughter?" she finished and somehow that sounded worse than anything I would have come up with even. I nodded.

"Well, I'm tired of being flowered," she said with a wicked smile but then she got real serious. "I want to make love with you James. It's so perfect here under the stars with the moonlight."

I had to agree it was but still there was the issue of what was still yards away inside the cabin but she had an answer to that too.

"Haven't you heard of the pill?" she asked.

I had, in fact. It was real new but some girls I guess had been getting it for a while. All they had to do was tell their doctors they was having real bad periods or something like that and they could have it. It was really out for birth control at that time so I don't know if Joanie pulled a fast one on her doctor or just told him she wanted to have sex and not get pregnant but she was on it. I still wasn't sure about it, the sex I mean. You can't get a do-over on your first time. I will grant that she couldn't have had a nicer setting and I sure would do everything I could to make it good but I think a part of me wasn't sold on how she felt about me. If she woke up the next day or week or even month and didn't want me anymore, she might regret giving this to me and not still having it for someone else.

But then I looked at her naked in the moonlight and I don't recall another thought in my head for quite some time. We spent most of the night on the beach naked and holding onto each other before we went back inside the cabin to get some sleep and have the appearance of having slept in our own beds. I didn't want to let her go and she was clinging to me as well. I didn't sleep a wink and from the look of Joanie the next morning, neither did she.

I took the first driving shift and even crossed the bridge behind the wheel. Once I turned the driving over to Mr. Cohen, I fell asleep in the back seat of the Nomad. I woke when we pulled up to Joanie's house to find her head resting in my lap. I had a flash of panic that they would be able to tell, that they would know what we'd done but I think I was just being silly. I drove home from Bloomfield in the dark and called Joanie when I got home to prove to her that I'd made it safely and then I sat on the roof all night. I'm sure I slept up there a little but not much.

* * *

><p><strong>Okay so things are for sure serious now...if they weren't enough before. So, um, the U.P. would be the Upper Pennisula. Here in Michigan we are actually made up of two pennisulas, upper and lower. The part that looks like a mitten is the lower (I live in the lower) but there is another. The Mackinac Bridge was completed in 1957 or 58 and at the time was the longest suspension bridge in the world and is still the 3rd largest in the world and the largest in the western hemisphere. Mackinac Island is a small island off of northern Michigan. No motor vehicles are allowed on the island so it is feet, horses or bikes to get around. Really cool place and I am not kidding about the fudge...it's the best! Um all the talk of 75 and 10, those are expressways but the expressway and highway system was still very much a work in progress at that time. Oh God's Country is what we call the U.P. If you've ever been there, it's what you would call it too. Miles upon miles of still unspoiled wilderness. Breathtaking. A Nomad is a station wagon made by Chevy. Oh and the birth control pill was not available as a method of birth control until early summer of 1960. Before that it was only approved in the US for treatment of menstrual problems. I think that covers it all.<strong>

**I'm sorry it took so long to get this chapter up...I tried writing yesterday but I was still reeling from Wednesdays news of the plane crash in Russia. Three of the men killed in that horrible accident were former members of the Red Wings. Many of the others, I knew by name or reputation. It is a horrible tragedy and the worst of it might be that so many of the men were hockey players and fairly young which means they leave behind young families, wives and small children. One of the players, I am told, his wife is three months pregnant. I spent nearly all Wednesday crying and parts of Thursday and Friday as well. I am still calling it Friday because it's 1am here so that doesn't really count as a Saturday yet. I think I am over the worst of the shock but it is still very heartbreaking. It has been a tough summer for the hockey community. If any of you dear readers is a praying person and can spare a prayer or two, please say an extra one for the families of those lost in the plane crash as well as the one player who is still clinging to life. His name is Alexander Galimov. Also if it's no trouble, Derek Boogard, Rick Rypien and Wade Belak also lost their lives this summer as a result, directly or indirectly, of mental illness and/or substance addiction. Their families are hurting just the same as anyone else who loses a loved one far too early. Thank you and please take care of yourselves. I may not know you all but I do love you. Every one of you.-J**


	10. Chapter 10

The next day was a back to work day and I guess it was a good thing I wasn't left to ponder too much. Joanie and I hadn't done much talking that last night and the drive home wasn't the right place to talk about what had happened. I know that sort of activity changes things between people and it was hard to read just how it might have changed things between me and Joanie. I took some comfort in the fact that when she slept in the car, she rested on me but without talking to her, I couldn't know for sure if she was alright.

People talk about a first time and romanticize it up good. Reality is that for most guys it's over practically before it begins and for girls, it hurts. That's just the facts. Women have some tissue or something up there that tears on the first time and it bleeds and it hurts. I could kick myself for the number of times when I was with a girl and didn't pay attention to all the signs that she was a virgin. See there are things a man can do to ease the hurt some. I did all I could for Joanie but I know it hurt her and when I was holding her afterward, she was trembling. Sometimes girls hold that against a guy, especially girls who aren't prepared for it. People should just stop making it out to be this wonderful thing. I'm not saying sex don't feel good because it surely does but girls ought to know what they're in for the first time.

So I spent most of the day underneath someone's old Chrysler with Al sitting next to the car listening to me talk about my week away. I didn't tell him what happened the last night though he might've suspected. He was sharp, that old man. I was just telling him about swimming and fishing and going to Mackinac Island and how beautiful the bridge is once you get used to it. After a while Al cleared his throat to get my attention and I rolled out from under the car to see a pair of penny loafers on a pair of legs sticking out from what the girls were calling Capris pants. I think they've been called other things; it's hard to keep track of women's clothes. I've always been grateful that, for the most part, I could get by with a pair of chinos or Levi's and a t-shirt. It's so much simpler to be a guy. Anyway, I followed the legs up and there I was staring into those dark brown eyes. I looked up at the clock and saw it was pretty near to quitting time. I didn't even have to say anything to Al and I know if he suspected before that we'd gone all the way, his suspicions were confirmed by her expression. And the fact that she called him Mr. Hunter.

"I guess it's about time to call it a day, Jimmy," Al said like he had been just about to utter those words anyway.

"I could wait, Mr. Hunter," Joanie said quickly, "I don't want to be a bother."

"A lovely lady is never a bother and Jimmy here worked through his lunch today so I guess he's got the right to knock off a little early if he wants to."

To his credit and my gratitude, Al went right to his office.

"I'm sorry I didn't call."

"It's good to see you…"

We spoke right on top of each other. I nodded to her, ladies first and all that. Though it was rare I could say something like that out loud to her without getting an earful about how women didn't need that kind of pity.

"I should have called before coming here," she said, "I just didn't know what to say on the phone."

"I'm glad you came," I said back to her and I was even though I was scared half to death that this was the end for us. "Was there anything special you wanted to do or anywhere you wanted to go?"

She shook her head and still hadn't been able to look me in the eye once since I'd first looked up at her.

"How about we sit on the roof for a bit?" I asked really hoping that she did want to sit for a while.

She nodded and actually led the way. I stopped by my apartment for a couple bottles of Stroh's while she headed up. When I got to the roof, she was standing a few yards from the wall at the far edge hugging her arms around herself like she was cold, or scared.

"For the shayna maidel," I said handing her a bottle and trying to show off some of the Yiddish I had picked up from her folks. She smiled but it looked forced.

"I'm sorry, James," she said finally, "I'm acting horribly to you."

"You're not," I said, "But you are starting to worry me some."

"I thought I knew how it was going to be," she confessed after a long pull on her beer. "I knew it might hurt some and, well, I don't know."

She looked frustrated at not being able to explain herself and she looked embarrassed to be talking to me about it and then she looked even more frustrated for being embarrassed.

"I'm sorry, Joanie," I said, "I tried to make it not so bad for you. I really did. I'm so sorry."

She reached up and touched the side of my face and smiled, a real smile, and finally looked me in the eye.

"You don't think I'm angry with you, do you?" she asked.

I couldn't even answer because I did think that or had.

"It's hardly your fault," she said, "It's just how we're made. I guess it just took me by surprise and left me feeling a lot more vulnerable than I usually allow. But I guess that's why you should only do that with someone you love so it's okay to be vulnerable."

I wasn't sure if I was following her. She was either upset that she had done it with someone she didn't love or glad that she had done it with me. I wasn't sure which but I had to take a chance.

"I hope you can be vulnerable with me," I said, "You know you're safe with me, right?"

"If I didn't before," she answered, "I do now."

She was back to hugging herself and I could tell she was feeling like she was putting herself out there and wasn't sure how it would end up. I pulled her to me and held her tight and kissed the top of her head. I think she nearly melted into me. I know a lot of guys would earn a girl's trust and dump her after they got what they wanted. And I know I had a reputation but I'd never been one of those guys. I might have said certain things to get under a girl's skirt but I didn't break up after she put out, not like that anyway. If I broke up with a girl, there was a reason and usually they did the breaking up. I was sort of hurt thinking she might have thought things were over or something.

"I was so worried," I said, "I was worried you wouldn't want me anymore, that you'd blame me or be mad at me or not trust me or something."

She laughed a little at that.

"I was afraid," she started, "That you'd break up with me because maybe I wasn't good at it or something or you wouldn't think I was attractive."

She started to cry. Like I've said before, everyone has fears and insecurities.

"First of all," I said still holding her close and stroking her hair. "You're plenty good at it and second I was much more concerned about you being able to enjoy it just a little. I know it's usually not good the first time but I didn't want you thinking that it was always like that. And third, you are a beautiful woman and naked you are an even more beautiful woman. Just thinking about you naked under the moonlight is enough to…well, you get the idea."

I could feel her nod her head against my chest but I could also feel that she was still crying.

"Did I say something wrong?" I asked.

She looked up at me with her puffy eyes and somehow smiled.

"I'm just happy," she said. Women are a strange lot.

It was a nice night with her. We went down to my place and she actually made something for us to eat. I offered to cook but she insisted. And then we went to the roof. We listened to the radio and talked about all kinds of stuff. She had been catching up with friends since she'd been back and neither one of us had known what was going on with the Tigers the last week. I told her things I knew about the guys. Ike had bought a ring but hadn't popped the question yet. I knew it was only a matter of time before he asked Annie. I was glad for him too. She was a real nice girl. Some guys made comments about her looks but she was a pretty sort of girl. She didn't do herself all up all the time and I think some guys thought she was kind of plain but she had some beauty to her and while she wasn't what I would go out of my way to get with, Ike thought she was beautiful and that's really all that mattered. She really loved him too and that was more important to me and the rest of our friends. It seemed Carol and Buck were in some weird place and none of us knew what was up. They seemed chilly with each other but they were still together. I think Ike knew what was going on but none of the rest of us did and it was really confusing to me. When I left, they had been tight as always. I know she had expected him to propose sooner and I thought maybe that's what it was. Kid and Lou were Kid and Lou. They loved each other like nothing else but a good deal of the time you couldn't tell. He'd say something that even I knew was stupid and she'd get mad at him and then he'd get mad at her for being that way. But like I said, they loved each other. He was thinking about joining the Army because it would be steady work. I know Lou was having a hard time with the idea. She wasn't sure how her little sister would do and really she knew that if she had to leave to be with him anywhere, she'd have to take Theresa with her. Lou's mom had cancer and had been sick a while. Lou took care of her sister and Theresa had even moved into the little apartment that Kid and Lou shared.

After a while, the conversation died out a little and we just sat there in silence looking at the stars and wishing we were back up north where we could see all of the stars and not just the sprinkled few that were bright enough to get past the city lights.

"It gets better, right?" she asked out of nowhere.

"What?" Yeah, I wasn't the bright one back then.

"Sex," she said and just that word made me feel good because it meant that she didn't feel weird talking to me anymore. "It gets better, right? I mean I'm sure it's always good for guys but for girls."

"Actually the first time is usually a disappointment for guys too," I said, "It doesn't hurt but it doesn't last long enough to really enjoy it. It must get better for girls."

"Well, you've been with others," she said, "They weren't all virgins, were they?"

I wasn't so sure about telling her about my experience but it seemed she really needed to know.

"Haven't any of your friends done it?" I asked.

"I don't think so," she answered, "Not my close ones anyway. I know you've been with other women and I don't mind, really I don't."

"You say that now," I said, "But no one likes to really think about the people their boyfriend or girlfriend has been with."

"I'm not saying I want a number or details or anything," she said, "I just want to know that it gets better. I know you tried to make it good for me and I really appreciate that. It wasn't all bad."

"Well," I said, "I'm glad of that and yes, it must get better because I know some women who were really having a good time."

"I don't think I'm ready to try it again," she said, "Not tonight."

She looked at me like she was a little afraid that I'd me mad at her.

"As long as you let me know when you are ready," I said, "You can just take your time."

"I will," she said and she nuzzled closer to me. "I don't think I could trust anyone but you."

Right there, those words was all I ever needed from her or anyone else. I like to think I'm basically a good guy and for someone to see the good guy instead of the bad boy was new for me but nothing could have been better.

"The Army?" she said after a while. "Doesn't he know there's a war going on?"

"Yeah," I said, "I'm not entirely sure what he's thinking. I mean I get that there are folks over there that need defending but he's got a wife here that needs him and Theresa's depending on him too."

"Lou must be terrified he's even considering it," she said, "You wouldn't go and leave me, would you?"

"I'm not strong enough to be away from you like that," I told her, "And listening to you, there's enough fighting to do right here."

I gripped her hand a little tighter.

"Besides," I added, "I have a job. I don't need to go looking for one."

"I never thought very highly of women who were so dependent on men," she said, "But I don't think I could bear to be without you. Please don't ever leave me."

Her voice was so tiny at that moment, something I could rarely ever say about Joanie. It was like a child talking about the monsters in the closet.

"I couldn't if I wanted to," I said kissing her head. I knew it was a blow to her ego and her feminist ideals to be so attached to me. "People might act like only women get that dependent but men do to. I don't suppose I'd care too much about life if you weren't in it. Maybe that makes me weak, I don't know."

"How did you know what I needed to hear?" she asked.

I was trying to figure out how I was lucky enough to find a girl who needed to hear what I had to say. I didn't have an answer for her so I just held her tighter and kissed her. She pulled back a little.

"Relax," I said, "This ain't going anywhere. I just want to kiss you."

We kissed a lot that night. I guess they call it making out these days. We called it necking then. Sometimes it's real nice just to kiss someone. We forget that and I think young folks these days are way too focused on sex and not enough on enjoying being with someone. I think that holding hands has become more intimate than having sex because sex so often means so little to people. Back then I wondered if it didn't have too much importance but hell, it's not like you can so a lot about the times you live in or how society sees stuff like that. All I can say is that I came along a good while before the hippies was all going around banging everyone and everything. I'm an old man now and I know the young people think I'm too lost in the good old days. I used to think the same about Al too. But I know that not everything about then was better. Still being in that time would be being young and newly in love and that makes those days better than this one for the life that was still in front of me waiting to be lived. There's a lot that's tough about being young but it's better to see the road laid out before you than it is to see it's mostly behind you. I'm not the smartest man to walk this earth but I know that.

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><p><strong>Yeah, sorry about the sex talk but I think I kept it PG-13 enough. Shayna Maidel is "pretty girl". Though I'm sure that wasn't that hard to figure out. I don't think this chapter had much else that needs notation but as always, let me know if there's anything that's unclear. <strong>

**Today is 9/11 and I know I will never forget where I was or how I felt that morning when my life, and the lives of everyone in this country, was sent all askew. What I choose most to hang onto is how people in the wake of the attacks were nicer and cared more about their neighbors. We were truly the embodiment of "of many one". I know America has an iffy reputation around the world and the iffy nature is earned often. But there is greatness here and there are ideals we were built on that speak of that greatness. I will forever believe that our plural society, the very name United States, acknowledging that we do not agree on much but the need to stick together, this attitude and understanding that agreeing is not necessary to being unified and being there for each other-much like a family-is what has, what does, what will make this a great place to live. If nothing else is drawn from the memory of that day ten years ago, please remember that life is tenuous at best. We need to love each other. Live with no regrets. Do not hold back on that compliment, that person might not be there tomorrow, or you might not. Do not ever refrain from telling someone you love them. There may not come another chance. **

**As another note, tonight, in the US and on the cable channel USA network there is a movie that has been doing very well at film festivals. It is written, directed and produced by Travis Fine (Ike) and stars Melissa Leo (Emma) and also in the cast is Brett Cullen (Sam) and Don Franklin (Noah). It is called "The Space Between". I have the DVR set already. This movie is about 9/11 but it is a very different take on things. Stay safe and know you are all loved.-J**


	11. Chapter 11

I was back under the Chrysler the next day. Joanie had spent the night but I was a gentleman like I said I'd be. She had wandered over to Emma's house to visit with her for a spell and Al was in his office. I heard a noise next to the car and looked to see someone settling onto the floor of the shop. I rolled out to see Buck looking real serious at me. I glanced at the clock and decided it was a good time to knock off for lunch. Buck followed me to my apartment and sat down with a bottle of pop and a heavy sigh.

"So, what's up?" I asked.

He was quiet for a bit and I almost was beginning to think he hadn't heard me or wasn't going to answer.

"Carol's pregnant," he said at last and it seemed for a moment that the air had left the room. I guess they had been together a long enough time but something about Carol always made me think that they hadn't done it yet but there isn't any other way that babies are made so I guess I was wrong. I couldn't think of a single thing to say. Well, the first thought I had was to say I was sorry but I was able to stop myself. I just stayed quiet in case he had more to say. He didn't

"Are you going to marry her?" I asked finally.

"I want to," he said, "I wanted to before. I do love her, you know. But I think she's mad at me. I don't even know why but I'm pretty sure she is and I don't know if she'd say yes at this point."

"You could talk to her," I offered, "With Joanie, it seems every time I think there's something wrong or I've made her mad or something, we talk and everything is fine. Or maybe she's upset because you haven't asked her yet."

"You think that's what it might be?" he asked and I can't believe he hadn't thought of that before. He was usually a pretty perceptive guy.

"I think she was expecting a ring right around the end of school," I answered, "You've been dating, what…two years or something like that?"

He nodded.

"You're together that long, you love her, she loves you," I said, "We just watched Kid and Lou get married. She was probably thinking that she wouldn't have to worry about finding herself in this position, that she'd be hitched before she got knocked up."

He was quiet as he thought it over. He knew he should have picked up on all that himself and I think he felt bad. I think he may have said something dumb when she told him as well but that would just be a normal guy thing to do. Sometimes we're just not capable of saying the right or even intelligent thing. Most times women take pity on our stupidity but even the best girl will get mad once in a while, especially when she's scared herself.

"So," I started, "You're going to be a daddy?"

He sighed and looked like a deer caught in high beams. I felt for him. I knew I wanted to be with Joanie forever but we never even talked about someday having kids and we surely were working to avoid it at that time. I wasn't sure I could've handled it at that age. I think Buck was more mature than I was though so I think I was surprised by how scared he looked right then. I didn't understand until much later when my first child was on its way. Nothing ever really makes a man feel like he's really ready to be a father and especially for those of us who never really had one.

"I'm not sure I can do it, Jimmy," he said, "What do I know about being someone's dad? What if I'm like mine?"

"It's not in you to be like him," I said, "It's just not. Besides, I guess you'll just follow the same example we all will when the time comes for us-Al. I mean, look at Kid. He's raising Theresa like she's his own and he don't know nothing about being a parent but beating the crap out of someone, same as you. He's got all the patience in the world for that girl though."

"What if I can't do that?" he asked and he was really scared. I don't think I'd ever seen Buck scared like that.

"You won't be doing it alone," I tried to reassure him, "You got us and Lou and Emma and Al and well, the kid will have a mom too. I'll bet Carol's going to be a great mom."

It's funny, we'd all known Carol for a while and you'd think we would've really known her by then but she was a real elusive sort of person. But I did mean what I said. I could see her with a kid.

"Yeah?" he asked, "You think so?"

"Sure," I said, "We've never failed each other before."

We walked back down the stairs so I could get back under that damned Chrysler that had been giving me fits.

"You'd better get her to the church or something real fast though," I said before Buck walked off. "As it is, most folks can count to nine and unless that's a real small baby, you're going to have a hard time convincing people it came early."

Buck smiled and that felt good. He normally went to Ike with problems and I was sure he had already. Ike had been looking like he had a pretty heavy load to bear so I guessed that was it. I know something like this seems like a crisis at the time but there's lots worse things that could've happened. Really he'd have married her anyway; he was just scared of being as bad of a husband as his dad and was dragging his feet. He didn't need to worry, Buck had a gentle soul and I know there's probably some out there who watch their mom get beat and think that's how you ought to treat a woman. Most of us I think take the opposite view. I know I would have chopped off my own arms before I would lay a hand on a woman in anger. I've been mad and I know I've yelled at Joanie and other women too but I would never, ever strike one. No way Buck could turn into his dad, he just has too big of a heart.

I finally got that Chrysler up and running and was about to move onto a Ford that was needing some new brakes. It wouldn't be that hard a fix and I figured I might even get a chance to change the oil in Joanie's 'Vette before I quit for the day. She hadn't said anything but I noticed that it was nearing time and there's a lot of maintenance that's not as necessary on a car as long as you keep good oil in her. I couldn't chance that her engine would give out on her while she was driving home some night or something.

I had just set to work on the Ford when Ike walked in still looking like he was carting an elephant on his back.

"Hey Ike," I said smiling, "You just missed Buck."

He looked up at me with his eyebrows raised.

"Yeah," I said, "I think he's heading off to see about a wedding."

Ike looked so relieved I thought he might just pass out. I know he felt he couldn't betray a confidence but it had to have been hard to carry that alone.

"So when do I get an invite to your wedding?" I asked.

He looked down at his feet and I thought he still hadn't asked her.

"Next month," he said quietly. I think I was the first besides Ike and Annie themselves to get the news. This was turning into a happy day all around. Of course it would figure that Buck and Ike would get engaged on the same day. Like I said, they were like twins or something-but the kind that don't look alike.

* * *

><p>Any thoughts I had of spending a quiet evening with just me and my girl died the second she heard there was two weddings coming up and a baby too. It's funny 'cause she spent so much time trying to prove she could hang with the men in school and someday a career and stuff like that but a wedding or a baby would set her squealing just like any girl. I loved it about her.<p>

Buck brought Carol over to Emma's where we was all having dinner. I think poor Carol was scared of how we'd react. You know some girls will try to get pregnant to trap a guy into marrying her. That thought never crossed my mind about Carol. I might not've known a lot about the girl but she wasn't the type to do that. Besides, if she forced his hand it was just to get him to do what he really wanted to do but was too scared. Carol walked in so uncertain and I felt bad for her. Us guys weren't mad at her but I knew that was only part of her fear. She thought Emma and Joanie might judge her. Joanie coming from where she did sort of seemed to folks from the neighborhood like she might be a better person than we were. But Joanie was the one to rush to the door and throw her arms around Carol.

"Oh Carol," she said, "I am so happy for you! How are you feeling?"

"Okay, I guess," Carol answered like she wasn't sure what to do.

"That's good," Joanie just went on in that way she had of glossing over when people weren't sure about how to act until they were comfortable. "I've heard the first few months are the hardest so if you feel okay now it should be easier on you. You know between you and Buck, you're going to have the most beautiful baby ever."

Carol finally smiled and relaxed and the rest of us were able to congratulate her. I think Emma was a little unhappy with Buck for his lack of restraint where sex was concerned or maybe for having too much restraint where proposing had been concerned but she soon was in on the happy preparations.

Things was going pretty good for a while. Everyone was eating and talking about weddings and babies and things seemed happy until Carol just started crying out of nowhere. I know women get emotional when they're pregnant but this was really out of the blue.

Buck ran right over to her. I felt for him, seeing your girl cry is tough. It took a minute for her to stop crying enough to talk.

"I-I told m-my parents about th-the baby," she said trying to get words out between her tears. "I can't go home again."

The last words were barely a whisper.

"But we're getting married," Buck said and I knew he was kicking himself for not asking her sooner. "It's me they should be mad at and I'm making in right. I know I took too long but I'm going to make it right."

"They said that if you can get me pregnant," Carol choked out, "then you can take care of me."

No one knew exactly what to do right then but Joanie spoke up.

"Well," she said, "There's got to be a solution. Let's see…Buck, you were going to look at an apartment tomorrow, right?"

"Yeah," he said, "But it's going to take some time to get the marriage license around."

"So we just need to find a place for Carol to be for another week or two at the most," Joanie said matter of factly. "That can't be too hard."

"I have plenty of space right here," Emma piped up, "If I can't use it to help out one of you kids then what good is it?"

Joanie hugged Carol.

"See, all settled," she said.

Carol only nodded. I know she had counted on more support from her folks but in that situation, they acted pretty normal. I don't agree with it in the slightest but that was how things was back then.

Joanie leaned in real close and talked soft so no one else would hear but I still did and I know Buck did too because he wasn't leaving Carol's side. "It's going to be okay, Carol," Joanie told her, "You'll see when you are a married woman rocking your beautiful baby to sleep in your own apartment with your husband nearby, you'll see that things worked out just fine."

I think that made Buck feel a whole lot better. The party sort of fell apart at that point. Kid and Lou had to get Theresa home so she could get to bed. Ike said he needed to be getting Annie home and I think Buck just wanted to sit quiet with Carol for a while and make sure she was alright. Billy hadn't even been there. He was on a date with Mary Lou.

Joanie and I walked back to the garage holding hands. I figured she'd be heading for home right away but she started inside.

"Won't your folks be getting worried?" I asked though I didn't ask out of a fear that they wouldn't let me see her. I really liked Mr. and Mrs. Cohen and I didn't want them upset. "You haven't been home since sometime yesterday."

"I told them I wouldn't be back for a while," she said, "They trust me not to do anything too stupid and I called and talked to mom this afternoon from Emma's. It's a beautiful night and I want to sit and have a beer with my boyfriend."

I wasn't going to argue with what she wanted because I couldn't think of anything that sounded better than sitting a spell with my girl and it was a nice night. We sat for a while and talked about what an eventful day it had been. I started thinking she was maybe a little sad that she had to wait so long for the things the other girls were getting in their lives.

"You know you'll be married someday too," I said, "And you'll have babies too if you want them."

She snuggled into my chest a little tighter and I knew I had understood what was beneath her words.

"I know," she said, "I guess I know that if I don't go to school first then I won't ever. It's so hard to do that with kids and a household. But it's hard to feel so behind everyone else too. Besides, it would be presumptuous of me to think I could just say the word and be married right now."

"Actually," I said, "You're running this whole show. I'd take a knee right now and ask you and have a ring on your finger as soon as the stores open tomorrow if that's what you wanted. Or I can wait. As long as I have you forever, I don't care about the other stuff so much."

"Well now I am certain I love you James," she said laughing and I knew she wasn't laughing at me but just because she was that happy. The night was cooler than it had been but summer gets like that in Michigan. You might have a week or two of ninety degree days and then all of a sudden it's getting into the fifties at night and fifty degrees feels really cold after not getting below seventy for a spell. Joanie was chilly and I knew that an afghan wasn't going to warm her up enough so we went to my place and she stayed the night there and I found out she had gotten over being freaked out about sex. She was some woman, my Joanie.

* * *

><p><strong>Well hello again dear, sweet, precious readers. So first of all, I don't think there's really anything in the chapter that needs footnoting except to say that I don't know how long it took to get a marriage license in 1960. I know it processes at a decent speed now but even once it's processed and approved, you have to wait 3 days from approval for the license to be valid and then you have like a month to use it. But I am thinking if a person went down in person (like you had to then because there was no internet) that it might go more quickly. <strong>

**I felt a little bad for Buck because even though he's a sweet guy, he is just a guy and probably was scared out of his wits. But I think it's good that the happy couples are all getting hitched...that's how it usually went back then. Graduate and then marry almost that fast. And some people did get married because they had to although, like I said in the story, Buck really cares for carol and would have married her anyway. Oh and for my non-US readers, we are still on fahrenheit here so 90 is hot, yes but not deadly and 50 is in fact chilly when it hits in the summer. Although things being relative, 50 when it comes in the spring feels downright balmy.**

**So, as always my fine furry friends, let me know what you think...I have so much left to do within this little story before it is done and Oh the places it will go. Anyone have a guess the things that will happen? Anyone a 20th century history buff and want to inject something in that maybe I hadn't considered? I may or may not be able to fulfill requests like that as my muses sometimes have a mind of their own. As it is, the little devils have already written the final chapters for me but getting from point A to point B is still a journey to unfold. Kisses!-J**


	12. Chapter 12

Oh it was a hectic few weeks right after that, I'll tell you. There were two weddings to plan and one was really thrown together but I guess that sometimes they just have to be done in a hurry. I will say that Carol's parents did show for the wedding and I know that made her feel good. What she didn't know at the time, though I think she did learn this later, was that Buck had gone to them and begged for them to be there. He really put himself out there and said things like they could hate him forever but not to hurt her that way. I don't know if it was the guilt trip he laid on them or maybe they even saw how much he loved her by how much her pain was hurting him but they came. They even bought them some furniture for the new place and if I recall, Carol's mom even sewed the curtains and such for the baby's room.

It was a nice wedding for as little time as there'd been to prepare. Carol wore this real pretty pink dress that she'd worn to prom. With the morning sickness and how early she still was, it didn't even need letting out. I think the group of us got to know Carol more in those couple weeks we planned the wedding than we had in the two years she'd been dating our friend. Maybe she saw that we were the closest to in-laws she was going to get or maybe she finally figured out that we weren't bad people. I know she loved Buck and I know she admired him and knew he was better than his dad ever thought of being but I think she also thought he was better than us too. When we all circled around her to figure out a way to get her married and help Buck make an honest woman of her, I think she saw that maybe we was all better than our circumstances.

Carol and Joanie became thick as thieves. They were near to inseparable. Joanie didn't spend a lot of time at home that summer. She said it was good for her folks to learn to be without her before she headed off to the dorms. She was still there in temple every Saturday morning though. But most of the week days, she was in the city. Sometimes she'd sit beside whatever I was working on and talk to me but most of the time she was over to Emma's. Joanie loved Emma but she was there for Carol. I know Lou was over there a lot too. She seemed to have lost a lot of interest in hanging around a greasy garage all day since becoming a married lady. I missed seeing her around but being married agreed with her and it's not like I never saw her. She spent a good amount of time at Emma's and I'd see her when I went to find my girl. I think she didn't always know what to do with Theresa for a whole day at a time so she'd come on over and have something to do. Theresa was a good kid but Lou was pretty much taking over raising the girl and I think it overwhelmed her a bit. She wouldn't ever say anything and she loved her sister too much to think of doing anything else but taking care of her but I think it took some of the fun out of being a newlywed. Sometimes Joanie would take Theresa for walks and they'd wander by and say hi to me. It was nice and I thought to a time when maybe someday it would be our own little girl or boy she was taking for a walk and buying an ice cream and stopping in to visit me at work. Thoughts like that were scary a little but they were real nice too.

So we got through Buck and Carol's wedding and got them moved into their new place. Then it was time to really get to finishing up preparing for Ike and Annie's wedding. That went nice too. I think for a while there I was almost an expert on weddings which was weird 'cause guys don't normally dwell too much on things like that. At that time I think we cared even less. Just tell us when to show and what to wear and we're fine. We don't care about flowers or music and we couldn't care at all about what the cake looks like as long as we get to eat it. I know women hate it when we say stuff like this but it's true. Little boys don't grow up thinking about their weddings. They don't even really think about being married or having kids. We think about being firemen or cowboys or baseball players. When we get older we realize that a job is only part of your day and it's nice to not be alone the rest of it but we still don't care about the pomp and ceremony of any of it. I think every guy I know would just as soon have a city hall wedding as any great big fancy thing with flowers and violins and whatever else people think is so damned necessary. What we care about at the time is that the wedding is whatever our bride wants it to be so that she'll be happy. You know the old adage, "Happy wife, happy life"? Well, that starts on the very first day that she becomes your wife. I am not kidding about that either. Those are words to live by if ever there were any.

It was a nice wedding. Things weren't as lavish then as they get now. Seems these days everyone likes to think they are freaking Princess Grace. Everyone needs ice sculptures of swans and fountains in the architecture that cakes have become. It's crazy I tell you. I don't think I ever saw Ike so happy and Annie was just beaming. Bill brought Mary Lou but I think it was their last hurrah. I don't know what it was but that just never seemed to completely take between the two of them. I think Mary Lou might've been looking for a ring but Bill was looking at college. His folks had been saving and his dad was just busting his buttons that Bill was going to be the first in the family to go to college. He was heading off to State soon. Joanie kept joking and calling him the enemy but it was lighthearted. Well, it was then but I was a little scared of the two of them meeting up the week of the Michigan-Michigan State game. I know Wolverines don't hate Spartans like they do Buckeyes but it's still a pretty big rivalry. It's funny about the Michigan-Ohio State thing. Ohio won that damned war, you know and they still treat us like they lost and are holding a grudge. Until Joanie I didn't even know there had been a war but there had been-over Toledo of all places. They wanted another port on the lakes and they won. We got the U.P. out of the deal so you'll never convince me we truly lost anything but they got what they wanted so why they still hate us here, I don't know but we spend a lot of time hating them right back.

The next morning I woke up next to Joanie. I loved that feeling of waking up next to her all snuggled against me. She would always act a little silly in the mornings once she woke up; trying to fix her hair and saying her breath must be awful. I thought she was beautiful and I loved the mornings that I woke up first and got to just look at her sleeping next to me. She was wearing one of my t-shirts and her hair was just laying all over around her head. She was just so peaceful. Of course, when she was most peaceful is when I couldn't help myself from kissing her. She stirred and frowned at me a little and tried to turn her head away. I turned her head back to face me and kissed her again.

"Good morning beautiful," I said.

"Ugh, hardly," she said back.

She got up and stretched. There wasn't anything at all under that shirt of mine except her body and the light coming in my window showed me every curve and detail of that body. Her hair may have been a mess and she was distracted by trying to get together her things to take a shower and get her face ready for the day but I think those were the kind of moments that I loved her most. She was so unaware of how beautiful she was to me. There was no effort to be what anyone, or really everyone, expected her to be. She was just in that moment and just being and she was lovely. I went to her and pulled her to me.

"James," she protested, "I'm a fright right now."

"No," I told her, "You are gorgeous right now and I have to kiss you."

I did kiss her and she just rolled her eyes at me. Women just don't get it sometimes. Sure we love to see them in pretty dresses with their hair and make-up all done but when a man really loves a woman; she is just as beautiful to him in jeans and a t-shirt, or just the t-shirt, with their hair a mess and no make-up at all. Maybe they need all that other stuff to get our attention but once they have it, they really don't have to work that hard to keep it. It was a few years later before the song came out but Percy Sledge got it just right. We will do damned near anything for a woman we love and not think twice about it. That's just the way it is. Joanie tried to explain it to me when she was taking a Sociology class but I didn't get it entirely but it goes way back to something we developed when humans were still living in caves or something.

She went to take her shower and I got some coffee started. I was trying to keep every moment because I knew it was almost time for her to head to Ann Arbor. I knew I could visit her there and I would and I knew she could come to see me. They had a curfew but nothing against going home for a weekend or even for a night if you lived close enough. They just wouldn't have to know that she wasn't going home. But I also knew she'd be busy with her studies and the last thing I wanted was to be a distraction from those. She had worked too hard to get where she was and I didn't want to do anything to mess up her plans. All the same I was still scared. There'd be a lot more guys there at school and not all of them would be the same kind of guys who passed her over in high school. A lot of them would respect her being so smart and maybe even be attracted to that. Besides, they'd be able to live in her world like I never could.

So I leaned against the counter in the kitchen part of my room and sipped my coffee listening to her humming "Beyond the Sea" and trying to keep my fears from turning my stomach over any more than it already was. I couldn't let her see the dread I was feeling. I knew it was getting hard on her too. She kept talking about how much we'd see each other still but I think she was getting to like being at my place. It was almost like we was married and I think she liked playing house quite a bit. I knew she was nervous too. U of M is a big place so even the kids she knew from high school who were going there would probably be hard to find and she wouldn't meet her roommate until she got there and that scared her a lot. She really tried to be confident about things like that and she had a good enough sense about people that she should have been more confident but she was as scared as the rest of us. The last thing she needed was me fretting about her going away. And I didn't want to put pressure on her. We had a good summer together and I know we had said some stuff about being together forever and that sure was what I wanted. All that said though, if she found some guy at school who was a better fit for her, someone with a real future, maybe even someone Bubbe Goldman would approve of, I wouldn't stop her. It would hurt like hell but she didn't really owe me nothing. I knew if I brought it up to her, she'd protest and make promises she might not be able to keep. That would just be wrong.

Joanie came out of the bathroom all dressed and ready for her day and I pasted on a smile for her so she wouldn't know how scared I was. She was getting ready to head for home to spend some time with her folks before she had to go. I knew she had packing to do as well.

"I guess I'm about ready," she said and then turned to her bag she had that she carried her things in when she stayed. I thought she was just putting things away but she turned back to me and held something out to me.

"What's this?" I asked like I wasn't capable of looking myself.

"Just something to help decorate this place," she said, "The subject could be prettier but it's still better than the nothing you have on the walls right now.

I looked and it was her senior picture all framed and I guess ready for the wall though I usually just sat it on an end table. It made me feel not so crazy when I was alone in my place and talking to her.

"No," I said, "The subject couldn't be prettier."

She blushed but smiled like women do when you tell them they're pretty, even when they don't believe you. It's sort of a smile that says the guy's being sweet even if he's lying through his teeth. Not that I was lying or anything but I know she thought so. I was never able to fully convince her that she was beautiful but I tried.

I walked her downstairs and to her car. I kissed her and told her I loved her and to drive safe and call me when she got home. I know she thought I was silly sometimes but hearing her voice and knowing she was safe meant the world to me.

I leaned into the window to kiss her again.

"I'll see you next weekend," I said, "Mary Markley, right?"

"Yeah," she said and I could see the fear creep in again. "I'll meet you out front."

"I'll be there," I told her hoping that would help and it seemed to a little bit.

I watched for a bit as she drove off.

"Was that Joanie driving off?" I heard from behind me and nearly jumped out of my shoes I was so startled. It was Al.

"Yeah," I said, "It was. She's heading home to pack for school."

Al put a hand on my shoulder and was quiet for a bit.

"Say," he said, "How's about you and me head over to the Corner and snag us some bleacher seats and grab a couple of dogs and beers?"

I know he was just trying to get my mind off of Joanie and he didn't care one wit for the Tigers but he did like going to the Corner. It was a nice ball yard. I told him I had to wait for Joanie's call before I could leave but it was early yet so we had plenty of time.

After Joanie called and I knew she was home safe and sound, me and Al headed out to the game. It was a good afternoon and it did help take my mind off my worries for a little bit. Bunning was on the mound and got the win against Cleveland. Cash had a great day at the plate but we never expected anything else from him. It was good hanging out with Al, just us two bachelors. But I'll tell you, I'd rather have been one of the married guys and been heading home to my Joanie.

* * *

><p><strong>Alright...I know you all already know about the Corner and Bunning and Cash...Um, University of Michigan has a huge in-state rivalry with Michigan State University but an even bigger one with Ohio State University (the Buckeyes). The hatred between Michigan and Ohio does indeed date back to the war for Toledo. They did win and we did get the upper penninsula out of the deal. Good trade I think and U.P. has brought in more revenue through tourism than Toledo has for Ohio. Mary Markley is a residence hall at U of M and it's still primarily for first year students although it is co-ed now, it was finished in 1959 and was a girls only dorm at that time. I am going on a little bit of supposition about curfew rules for that time but I know they did have them...at least for the girls, I don't know about the boys. I had a number of friends who lived in Markley...it was a pretty cool place for a dorm.-J<strong>


	13. Chapter 13

I was in front of Mary Markley Hall bright and early watching for the Nomad to pull up with Joanie and her things. What a crazy scene it was. I've since learned, after the years of helping Joanie move in and my own kids and even a couple of the grandkids, that moving in is always like that. Cars lined up and people carrying in all sorts of stuff. Actually it's worse now. They bring these loft beds and their own refrigerators and TV's and stuff like that now. Then it was pretty much just a trunk of clothes and some bedding and maybe a poster or two for the wall. You ask me and I think it was a little better when folks was taught to pack a little lighter or maybe when we all lived a little lighter but no one asked me and I don't figure they're about to start.

Finally I saw the Cohen family car pulling up. I walked over and opened the back to start unloading stuff. I hauled out the big trunk before the rest of the family was even out of the car. Joanie came over to me and looked like she might cry. I knew it was more emotional for her than she thought it was going to be. She thought that just 'cause she wasn't going very far that it wouldn't be as hard to leave. I knew she was wrong about that but I also knew better than to try to tell her that. She was finding out though.

"You're here," she said kind of surprised.

"Aside from the fact that I said I would be," I told her, "You should know I would be anywhere you needed me to be."

She smiled and went to her tip-toes to kiss me. That's still one of my favorite feelings in the world, her lips pressed to mine. We broke apart and I saw her parents standing nearby. I looked down. I know that us kissing couldn't have been a shock to them for all the time we'd been together but still kissing her in front of her parents was awkward. And Judy standing there giggling at us didn't help at all. She could be a real pest sometimes but I think that's what little sisters are for. I'll tell you though, once little sisters grow up, they can be right handy and a real comfort. I know Theresa was to Lou and Judy was to Joanie and to me in time.

I took one end of the trunk and Mr. Cohen took the other and we got it into her room. We were joking and making comments like she must've packed bricks from the house to keep her from being homesick and things like that. Judy came running in and said that I needed to come quick. She didn't say her dad should, just me. He came anyway but not as fast. If she asked for me then it was me she was going to get. I ran out and searched a second before Judy pointed me to the car. Joanie was sitting in the back seat and I hurried over there. I climbed in next to her and I really didn't know what to do with what I found. She was crying and breathing real fast and shaking. It was scary I have to admit. I really didn't know what I was supposed to do and I was beginning to wonder if Joanie had asked for me or if Judy had taken it upon herself to get me over their father. I know now that I was the one she needed even if it didn't make sense at the time.

"Joanie, honey," I said softly, "What's wrong?"

She just shook her head and started repeating "can't" over and over. I really didn't know what else to do. I'd been there for Lou a couple times when she and Kid had fought or something but those times seemed pretty small compared to what I was looking at right there. All I could think to do was hold her. She was still breathing real fast and shaking her head but she did put her arms around me sort of. They were stiff and her hands were balled into fists.

"What can't you do sweetheart?" I asked.

"Can't," was her only response.

"Joanie," I said as soothing as I could. "I don't think there's anything you can't do if you want to bad enough."

The reaction I got from her might make it seem like that was the wrong thing to say but I understand now that making her mad was the right thing to get her unstuck. It's always better to be talking even if sometimes the talk is loud and angry.

"Don't!" she yelled at me and pushed away. "I've heard that for as long as I can remember. I've heard every story about how Zaydeh Cohen pushed an apple cart through the depression and how my dad had his first paper route at eight years old and still kept up his grades and put himself through college and law school working every crap job he could find and how my mom kept at her school even after I was born and taught and got her master's degree when I was barely in school myself!"

I sat there stunned and just had no idea what to say but it turned out it wasn't my turn to talk anyway.

"What they did was great and even wonderful and I am so proud of them but I can't be them!" she was screaming and crying still and pounding her fists on the seat of the car. "I just can't be them," her voice was softer. "I don't even know how to be me."

She let me pull her back into my arms and hold her tight for a while. I still didn't know what to say but it didn't seem as important that I say anything. She just sobbed into me and it broke my heart to hear it.

"I'm just a phony," she said into my shirt. "A big old fake, I don't even know who I am. I pretend to be whatever people want me to be and I don't even know where I am in all that or even if I'm there at all. I'm so sorry."

"Seems to me," I began as I finally found my voice. "That I'm not the one who needs that apology, you do. I don't care about your grades or your degree or what anyone else thinks you ought to do or be. You're the one who needs to figure out what's important and what you care about."

"I don't know," she said and the words were muffled by my shirt.

"Yeah you do," I told her. "You're scared right now that you aren't up for the challenge and that you'll make a mistake and disappoint someone. I guess I don't know what that's like since I have no one to disappoint but if you're worried about your dad, he isn't going to stop loving you, you know."

She looked up at me kind of surprised and I was too. I don't know where all of that came from but I knew it was all the truth.

"You want to be here, right?" I asked and she nodded. "Then I guess you should get that last bag and come on in. I'm sure your roommate would like to meet you and find out why a greasy hood was just in her room."

I got a half of a laugh and Joanie set to drying her eyes and trying to make herself look like she hadn't just been hysterically crying. She finally decided she was presentable enough and we got out of the car and walked toward the building hand in hand. We passed her folks and the look Mr. Cohen gave me told me he had heard all she said. He looked sort of grateful that I'd been there. She'd have never admitted all of that to him. I know he never meant for her to feel pressured and only told her those stories to inspire her but sometimes when we mean the best we do the most harm. We walked into her room and I got to meet Sherry, her roommate. I think Sherry was a little uncertain of me at first but she got over that pretty quick and we got along pretty well. Joanie was always prone to her little episodes. I think they call them panic attacks or something like that now but whatever they call them, she was always prone to them and Sherry never hesitated to call me, day or night, to come and calm Joanie down. I was grateful for her and grateful that Joanie found such a lasting friend her first day there. They stayed roommates for the whole time at school. That doesn't always happen.

I hung back a bit while Joanie said her goodbyes to her family. Before they left, Mr. Cohen pulled me aside. I was a little nervous but he didn't look mad.

"Thank you James," he said and I know I looked like an idiot with the stare I gave him. "You handled yourself well. I didn't like hearing what she had to say but I guess that was my fault for eavesdropping. Thank you for taking care of my little girl."

"I don't really think thanks are needed," I said but it had felt good to hear them all the same. "I'd do anything for her."

"I know," he said and I'm not even sure he was really talking to me. I get it now because I've been in his shoes now and I know how I look at Joanie and the first time I saw that look on another young man's face and directed at my little girl, it was a scary thing and I was pretty unprepared for that. I look back and I think Mr. Cohen was doing pretty good with it. I think better than I did.

He just patted my shoulder and got in the car. I know now he was dealing with the realization that his little girl wasn't his anymore and wasn't a little girl either. Until you get there, you can't possibly understand how hard that is for a man and the dealing with it don't end either. I thought I was okay with it until my little girl moved in with the man and then I thought I'd dealt pretty well until I saw her in that white dress. And I won't even talk about seeing her with a pregnant belly or a child on her lap. She ought to still be in pigtails pestering me for an ice cream or a new Barbie doll.

Joanie and I walked around the campus until evening and it was time to go but I didn't really want to and she was gripping my hand so hard I could tell she didn't want me to go either. But I did have to. She had a curfew and I wasn't allowed in past a certain time.

"I'm scared, James," she said.

"I know you are," I said, "But that's because you are doing something new and that's always scary."

"What if I can't do this?"

I kissed her and held her close to me.

"If you want to," I said, "You'll find a way."

"You think?" she asked.

"I know," I said.

She smiled at me in a way that made me feel like a hero. Somehow something I said gave someone courage. I couldn't believe that I could ever have that impact on someone but here she was smiling at me and feeling better about herself because of me. It felt pretty good, I'll tell you.

All the way home I kept remembering that smile and how powerful that feeling was that I was that important to someone and not just to someone but to someone like Joanie. She was so smart and had so many experiences that I didn't but she still looked to me to make her feel strong. It was hard to fathom.

I got back to the garage and didn't feel like going up to my place or even like being alone so I wandered over to Al's where I knew the old man would be on the porch and probably Emma would too. I was a little confused to get close to Al's and not see him there but then I looked over next door and he was on Emma's porch. That was something different but I just shrugged and walked the extra house down. I noticed Al wasn't on the porch alone, Kid was there too. I got closer and could see Kid looked real upset and I could hear crying from inside. Theresa was sitting on the porch with a coloring book that she wasn't paying too much attention to. I sat down with her and put a hand on her shoulder. She just wrapped her little arms around me and hugged me tight.

I was still hugging Theresa when the front door flew open and Lou came running out crying. Kid got up to chase her but both Al and Emma stopped him.

"She really doesn't want to talk to you right now, Kid," Emma said.

I looked around and said, "I'll go."

I knew where she was probably headed. The grade school wasn't far and there was a playground right there. In the evenings and at night, a playground can be a nice place to sit and think. I found Lou sitting on one of the swings just sitting and looking at the ground. I sat on the swing next to her.

"You mad at all men or just Kid?" I asked.

"I'm not sure," she said, "I haven't found one yet today I don't want to strangle."

"You want to fill me in?"

"I'm going to have a baby," she said.

"Well, that's good isn't it?"

"I was happy and Theresa was happy and I thought Kid would be happy too," she answered, "But I don't think he was and then he said 'That's it, I'm joining the Army.' I don't really understand why but that's what he said."

I wasn't real happy with Kid right about then but I understood. Babies cost money and work wasn't easy to find. He hadn't been able to land much steady work since the wedding and Al didn't do quite enough business to hire another full timer on. I got why he wanted to do it but he could have at least acted happy about the baby first. Any of my other friends and I wouldn't have been that hard on him but Kid was with Lou and Lou was like a sister to me and she was crying and he caused it so I was just going to be mad even if I understood it. Still, no matter how mad I was at him, I had to try to explain it to Lou if only because it would make her feel better.

"He just wants to provide for you," I said, "He loves you and Theresa and he's not feeling like too much of a man right now because he doesn't feel like he's a good enough provider and with a baby coming, he wants to make sure you all are taken care of. He went about it clumsy but I know that's what it is."

"I'm scared, Jimmy," she said like it was a confession of something shameful and not just what any sane person would feel.

"I know you are and you got plenty of reasons to be," I said trying to be reassuring. "But you're not going to feel much better until you talk to the guy. He loves you Lou, you know he'd never do anything on purpose to hurt you or scare you."

"I know," she said standing up.

We set to walking back and I think Lou was feeling a little better. At least I was good for something; I could calm down hysterical women apparently. I sadly found that skill faded about the time my own daughter hit her teens. I really wasn't good for anything at that point except being a good deal of the reason she was so upset but then I guess most dads feel like that.

"Congratulations, Lou," I said as we walked. "I really am happy for you."

She stopped walking and wrapped her arms around me in a hug.

"Thanks Jimmy," she said, "You're a good friend."

For all the stress of that day it was pretty good for my ego. I was a good boyfriend and a good friend. I had fixed things and not made them worse. I got Lou back to Emma's where she and Kid loaded Theresa up in their car and headed home to a lot of talking they had to do. I bid Emma and Al goodnight. I was just too tired after all of that to be any kind of good company. I grabbed a Stroh's and went up to the roof to think on the day. I wondered how Joanie was doing in her dorm and how Kid and Lou were doing at getting their issues sorted out. I meant it when I said I was happy for her. I knew Lou would be a real good mother. She was already practically mom to Theresa and she was doing better by that little girl than anyone else ever had. I wondered why people kept turning to me when I had no idea what I was doing in my own life and I wondered how I was actually finding ways to help. Well, I understand some things now that I didn't then. Remember I once said that the Beatles told us that all we needed was love? Well those English guys knew quite a lot. If someone turns to you for help and you really love them and you look at their problem from a place of love for them, you'll usually do alright in helping them out. That and I've gotten a little better acquainted with God through the years and I believe that saying that He doesn't give us what we can't handle. I think sometimes it was maybe even a little divine intervention when I happened on the right words to say. They say that He looks out for idiots and children. I wasn't a child but I wasn't the sharpest tool in the shed either so maybe he was looking out for me. I think so anyway.

* * *

><p><strong>Hmmm...not really too much to say about this chapter...no references to note. Nothing to add...just looking foreward to seeing what everyone thinks of it. I've got so much starting in this chapter and I'm caught between excited to share it all with you and scared I won't be able to convey it like I want. <strong>

**And I think I am a little bummed right now. The current roster of the Detroit Tigers is on the verge of winning the division and securing a spot in the playoffs. They could have done that tonight and they just couldn't get the bats going. I shouldn't complain too much, they can still clinch tomorrow and until tonight had a 12 game winning streak which is phenominal. But I was hoping to see the champagne flow in the locker room tonight. It's been a long time since Tiger fans have had this much hope this late in the season. Even the last time they made it to the World Series, it was a wild card and so such a long shot and not that much of a surprise that they didn't win. This year they could really win it all. **

**So, yeah, that's all there is to say about that. And really all there is to say about the story as well. But then the Red Wings are off on their great adventure to Traverse city and training camp which means that there is hockey just around the corner and that is a happy thing for me and possibly for Jimmy too in the story...he will undoubtedly follow the Wings and Lions as well as the Tigers (and even the Lions are doing well in 2011-I'll have to look up and see how it was in 1960). So in our sweet little tale there should be some football and hockey starting up soon for him so get over the fact that the Tigers finished second to last in their division that year. And that really is all I have for you lovely folks right now. Please don't be shy about clicking the review button and letting me know what you think good or bad. I used to say good, bad or indifferent but then I got to thinking that if you were indifferent then why would you bother to click the button and write a review at all? Until next time my loves.-J**


	14. Chapter 14

I didn't see hide nor hair of Kid or Lou the entire rest of the weekend but come Monday, Kid was waiting in front of the garage as I opened.

"Morning Kid," I said as if there hadn't been some huge dramatic scene just a few nights before. "You want to start the coffee for me?"

He just nodded and went over to get the coffee going. Not many people hung around while their cars was getting fixed but some just in for an oil change or something would take advantage of the waiting room and sit and have a cup of coffee while they waited. Mostly the coffee ended up being for me and Al. I was just setting to get under the hood of something, don't recall what when Kid finally spoke. I knew he had something on his mind before I let him in but I also knew that firing questions at him wasn't going to get him talking either. I said before we was like brothers. We went back a real long way, all the way to the start of grammar school. You stay friends with someone that long and you know when to talk and when to stay quiet. Quiet ain't ever uncomfortable between good friends anyway. But I knew he was going to speak eventually and he did.

"I wanted to thank you," he said, "For talking to Lou the other night."

I knew what he meant even before he clarified the point.

"No thanks needed," I said, "Can't let my best friend's wife stay mad at him and besides, I can't stand to see a woman cry."

He didn't talk for a bit and I thought to fill the space a little.

"Congratulations," I said.

He looked up and smiled a smile I wish he had given Lou before he hauled out the news about the Army. It was sort of dopey but he was so happy that I knew my suspicions that night had been right.

"Thanks," he said and that silly smile never left his face.

"I should've handled it better with Lou," he said, "All I could think of was how scared I was that I couldn't take care of them. There were so many things in my head and the last one was that this was the thing to make my decision for me. If all of the thoughts had come out, I might have been okay but the only one I said out loud was the part about the Army."

"Yeah, you made a mess of things," I told him, "But it wasn't that hard to clean up. I had a pretty good idea what you'd been thinking and once Lou understood I don't think she could find it in her to be too mad."

"She's still not happy about me joining up," he said.

"No," I agreed, "I don't imagine she would be. There's a war going on even if they won't call it that. I'd imagine she'd like some assurance that her baby is going to have a daddy."

He nodded and I guessed that she had already told him as much. He sat down with a heavy sigh.

"I could make decent money doing this and maybe even get some to go to school someday," he said, "I don't know what else to do and this just feels like the right thing."

"Did you tell her that?" I asked and he nodded. "What did she say?"

"She said she didn't like it but she'd learn to live with it," he looked at his hands kind of helpless. "Why do I feel like the bad guy for wanting to provide for my family?"

"You're not a bad guy," I assured him, "You're doing the best thing you know and she's just scared. I'd say you both have the right to those things."

Things stayed quiet between us for a while. I worked on the car and Kid handed tools to me. Al wandered in eventually and got himself some coffee and went into his office with the Freep. He wasn't one to get under a car and get his hands dirty too often. I didn't mind, I could usually handle the work that came in pretty well and the man was paying me. He owned the place after all and if he wanted to spend most of his day in his office with his feet up on the desk reading the paper and drinking coffee then I guessed that was his right. Al's entrance seemed to break Kid out of his fog though.

"Are you okay, Jimmy?" he asked, "You seem kind of, I don't know, down or something."

"It's Joanie's first week at school," I replied.

"She calls though, right?" he asked, "And you'll see her this weekend?"

"Yeah," I said, "I just worry she's around guys better suited to her than to me."

I hadn't told anyone about that fear before and I was a little nervous right then but it was only Kid and while we teased each other plenty about a lot of different things, the two of us always knew when something was serious.

"She won't find anyone who loves her more," he said finally, "Or anyone who thinks more highly of her."

I just grunted from under the car. I knew no other man save maybe her dad could love her more than me but I wasn't at all sure that would be enough.

"I don't think you have a lot to worry about, Jimmy," Kid said, "She loves you an awful lot too. I can tell. I figure someday the four of us-you and me and Lou and Joanie-will be sitting around playing cards or something and laughing ourselves silly over how worried we were about things we're doing now."

I nodded and hoped he was right. It was a nice thought though that we might all be just sitting around having a game of cards after all our kids was growed and laughing about the old times. I liked that thought a whole lot.

"So," I said feeling a little better and wanting to find a topic that was maybe happier. "First Buck and now you, we got us a little baby boom going on here."

"I know," he said with that dopey grin coming back to his face. "It's hard to think I'm going to be a dad."

"I don't think so at all," I said, "I can see it sooner than I can see a lot of other people. At least you're caring at all about taking care of it. That's better than most men we've seen-way better than our own dads."

"I can't even tell you how much I love even the idea of this little person," he said, "Maybe it's because we have Theresa around so I already know how much I can care about a kid. But it still sort of doesn't seem real, you know?"

"I'm sure it'll seem real when you're holding that screaming thing at two in the morning," I joked.

"That'll be Lou's shift," he joked back. The rest of the day we spent talking and joking around and it almost seemed like all those big changes hadn't happened to the both of us over the summer. I guess that's really the mark of a true friend, no matter what changes in your lives or even how long you might go without talking to or seeing each other, you can still slip right into that comfortable place.

"You think the Lions can do much this year?" Kid asked and I considered for a moment. Being a Lions fan is a dedicated form of masochism.

"They might pull off a winning season, looking at the schedule," I answered, "But they ain't going to be no Super Bowl champions or nothing."

He nodded. It was a safe answer most years, except for the years they couldn't even play .500, they'd usually eke out enough wins to keep fans from jumping off buildings but fall far short of any post season relevance. I swear, if it weren't for the Tigers and the Red Wings, there'd be no joy or hope at all in good old Motown sometimes. I'd say especially these days when there's so few jobs and the buildings and schools are all crumbling. If the Tigers and Wings wasn't giving some love, I don't know how anyone'd cope at all.

"Now the Pistons might be decent this year," I offered.

"Yeah, if they can get their rebounding together," Kid laughed. He had actually played hoops a couple years at school and was always a good rebounder. It's sometimes underrated but it shouldn't be. It's damned hard to win the game if you don't have the ball.

We talked more about sports and little things like that. I heard a sports writer talking about having a crisis one time. He said he hadn't been sure about his career choice and wondered if he shouldn't have chosen to write about important things. This was in Detroit this happened. Well, the writer was talking about this to an older sports writer and the older guy asked the younger if he knew what the guys down at the Rouge read first or talked about over their coffee breaks because it sure wasn't politics or the economy or even whatever war we might be fighting at the time. They read the sports section first and they spent those coffee breaks talking about the Wings and Tigers and Lions. Sports might not change the world but they make it a whole lot easier to live in. Besides, sports give men something to talk about. Most men like sports and so wherever you are and even if you don't know the other men around you, you can always haul out the good old, "How 'bout those Tigers/Red Wings/whatever team", it's a proven fact.

Our chatting didn't end until Lou walked up with Theresa. She was smiling so I figured she was coming to some kind of terms with the way things was turning out. Theresa ran into Al's office knowing that there was a candy bowl on his desk she was welcome to.

"One piece only," Lou called to her knowing that Al would sneak her more than that. "So what are you boys up to?" she asked focusing her attention on us and trying to sound as nonchalant as her words.

"Trying to figure if Howe and Delvecchio are enough to get the Wings the cup this year," I answered trying for the same relaxed tone. I wasn't strictly speaking lying. It was what we had been talking about most recently.

Lou smiled at me and understood that the tough stuff had already been hashed out between us. She knew I was upset about Kid's initial reaction to her news and I know she worried that we'd somehow stop being friends or something. Deep down, I hoped she knew better. It would take more than one of us acting dumb for a minute to tear our friendship apart. Everyone is entitled to a stupid moment every now and then. I know Kid had overlooked more of them from me than a body had a right to expect so the least I could do was give him the benefit of the doubt. Besides, I knew if positions were reversed, I wouldn't have done much better.

"Emma wanted me to let you guys know that dinner'll be ready about 5:30 so don't dilly-dally once you lock up."

We nodded to Lou as she collected Theresa and gave Kid a kiss goodbye even though it would only be another half hour or so before they saw each other again. I used to think that was strange but by that day, it made perfect sense. Still does. Life is uncertain and you don't want to be that person crying next to a casket thinking about how you missed that last chance to kiss them goodbye or tell them you love them. It's strange to get those thoughts at such a young age but age don't dictate love and when you love someone you think stuff like that. Probably didn't hurt that I'd heard Al talk about his second wife, Lucille many times. She got real sick and I'm not even sure what she had but he always said that the one comfort he had in his life was that he was there by her side when she passed and he had told her he loved her so she had that to take with her on her journey. He really loved Lucille. It makes you wonder about things though. Lucille, who was gentle and lovely and he loved so much was dead and Glenna, his first wife who was bitter and mean and he'd divorced was still alive. I don't get it but it makes you want to cling even more to the ones you love.

I finished up the car and its owner was waiting for me so I was able to have everything settled before I locked up for the night. Kid and I walked over to Emma's and I could smell the roast beef from the sidewalk. Lou was sitting on the front porch with Theresa reading a book to her. I saw that dopey, happy kind of smile hit Kid's face as he saw his future and his whole world at once in that image and I felt a little jealous. I could only hope there was something like that in my future as well but with Joanie at school I felt less and less certain of ever having that.

It was a nice dinner like it always was at Emma's. We talked about the baby and business and if Theresa was excited to start school again. There was no mention of the Army or Joanie and I was as grateful as Kid probably was. Lots of things need to be talked about but in their own time and not over an otherwise lovely dinner. Emma's cooking was good enough to not want to mess your digestion up with conflict.

I got back to my place and barely got a beer opened before the phone rang. It was Joanie.

"Hey there beautiful," I said and it nearly brought tears to my eyes how good it felt to hear her voice. I hadn't talked to her since the day I helped her move in. "How were your classes?"

"So far so good," she said and she sounded genuine. It took a while before I would trust her words on things like that. I like knowing when I'm about to be in the middle of a giant crapstorm.

"You sound happy," I told her honestly.

"I am," she said, "I think I was worrying over nothing."

Neither one of us knew how bad things could get around finals time for her. After a while I would just show up there and I will say that once she had an apartment off campus, things got a lot easier because I knew that come the end of each term that she was about to lose it. It was always better when I could sit with her and hold her at night and her grades were better when she was actually getting sleep too.

"I've got some news," I said, "Lou's pregnant."

"Oh she has to be so happy!" Joanie exclaimed.

"She was until it became the reason that Kid decided to enlist."

"Oh dear," she said and she sounded like she might cry. "I can't even imagine."

"She's doing better now," I told her, "Believe it or not, I was the one got her calmed down."

"I do believe it. You always make me feel better," she said. Her words made me feel good but I still couldn't fight off that gnawing at my gut. I almost said something stupid like asking if there were any nice guys in her classes or something that some jealous jerk might say. Just because it was my fear and it was something that might happen didn't mean it needed saying.

We talked a little more before she had to give the phone up for another girl.

"I'll talk to you soon, James," she said, "I love you."

"I love you too, Joanie."

I hung up that phone and wondered just how much longer I'd be able to look forward to those calls at night and those sweet words from her lips. I turned on the TV but spent more time staring at her picture than I did the tube. I couldn't tell you what was on, that's for sure. I was thinking far too much about her in that tiny little room with Sherry. At least I knew she wasn't alone.

I finally got sick of the noise from the set and turned it off and set to turning my couch into my bed. I laid down and looked at her picture on the table next to my head.

"I do love you Joanie," I said and in the dark all by myself it didn't even feel strange to be talking to a picture. "I know I've never loved anyone like I do you. I just hope that's enough because I think you might have ruined me for any other woman. I don't even think I could notice another besides you. If you left me and I know you'd probably be better off if you did, but if you did I think I'd have to just grow old alone. I hate being so selfish but I hope to God that Kid's right and knowing that no one could love you more than me is enough to keep you with me."

I put my head on the pillow and said a selfish and silent prayer than she'd never realize how much better she could do than me.

* * *

><p><strong>Hello again...I guess first off, the only real reference I think I put in here was the Freep...that would be what we Michiganders call the Detroit Free Press. There are two major newspapers in Detroit, the Detroit News and the Detroit Free Press. Now that most things are digital, I usually read both and I buy the Thursday News when I get a chance because there is a 5-way sudoku puzzle that I dearly love. But I was raised with the Freep and at the time I was coming of age, I was a huge fan of a number of their columnnists. It is still the home of award winning author Mitch Albom. Um I am hoping that everyone already knows that Motown is a nickname for Detroit. So named because of the record label which created its name as a shortening of Motor City. <strong>

**I think that covers everything that only a Michigander would know. But if there are any time or country specific things that aren't clear, let me know. On a happy note, the Detroit Tigers are officially the 2011 American League Central Division Champions! Oh you have no idea how happy this makes me. It was a beautiful game too. Fister went 8 innings and only gave up 1 run and Valverde got his 45th straight save. Picture perfect. Somewhere, my great-grandpa is sitting with my great-uncle and they are just pleased as punch. My Papa Dale (what I called my great grandpa) was a semi-pro manager and taught me about baseball when I was little. He would always be so proud of me when I would prove that I knew just as much as the men (and sometimes more). My great uncle is in the baseball Hall of Fame in Cooperstown. Charlie Gheringer was his name. He was one of the Tiger greats and one of only five people to have their numbers retired by the team. There is a statue of him beyond the outfield fence of Comerica Park where the Tigers play. Piece of trivia, there are 6 statues there five for the ones who had numbers retired (Kaline, Newhauser, Gheringer, Greenberg and Horton) but there is also a statue for Ty Cobb but he didn't get his number retired because they didn't have uniform numbers way back when old Tyrus played. Anyway, I know Papa Dale and Uncle Charlie are just beaming and I'm thinking they've even found good ole Sparky Anderson to shoot the breeze with and maybe even got Ernie to do the play-by-play. Now that would be heaven indeed. So Go Tigers!-J**


	15. Chapter 15

Friday rolled around and I was edgy to say the least. Al tried a 'good morning' and damned near did get a wrench hurled at him. I apologized later and I felt bad immediately but I was just on edge. Joanie didn't get the chance to call every night but I had talked to her a few times through the week. Her class schedule was real light on Fridays and she had said that she was done by one but she had an appointment to go to before coming into the city. I guess I was worried because she had a sort of worried tone when she said it so I naturally went to thinking there was a doctor's appointment and she was sick or something or she wasn't being all honest with me and there was no appointment but just someone she wanted to spend time with more than me. I tell you the mind can take some pretty out there journeys if you don't rein it in once in a while.

Quitting time rolled around and I still hadn't even thought about knocking off for the day. Al finally came over and put a hand on my shoulder which was a brave move for how I'd been acting that day.

"You know you ain't getting paid overtime, right?" he asked.

I got up and started to see to the closing duties when I heard a familiar engine pull up out front. Al saw me perk a bit.

"Go on," he said, "Won't kill me to do some work around here for a change."

I walked out and there was the 'Vette but I didn't see Joanie right away. Then I spotted a shape in the driver's seat. I went around and saw her turn her head away from me. I can't tell you what went through my mind at that one action and I mean that I can't because it was such a jumble that to this day I can't sort it all out.

I opened the door and squatted down. She finally turned toward me and I wasn't prepared for what I saw. I nearly laughed out of relief because I understood immediately. I had nothing to fear. There was no horrible illness and no other guy. There was only a pair of glasses. Now we thought those frames were horrible at the time but they are so far back in style that my granddaughter snagged those glasses and had her own lenses put in them. There weren't a lot of choices of styles and almost all of them were those horn-rimmed kind of cat glasses. Hers were as good as you could get I supposed and I actually thought they looked kind of cute on her but she was so upset about them and I could tell. I was glad I'd been able to keep from laughing. I wouldn't have been laughing at the glasses or her, just at my own insecurity and maybe my relief.

"Is that all you was worried about?" I asked and saw her relax a little.

"You don't hate them?" she asked. "I'm so ugly."

"You're not ugly," I said, "I can still see your face. I just wish it wasn't so sad."

She finally gave me a smile and got out of the car. Al spotted her and smiled.

"Look at that," he said and I cringed though I don't know why, Al usually knew what to say to the ladies. "She's only at school a week and already she looks smarter."

Joanie smiled at him and I think she was grateful.

"How are you this evening, Miss Joanie?" Al asked her.

"Better by the minute," she replied and then she did something that surprised Al as much as it did me. She ran up to Al, threw her arms around his neck and kissed him on the cheek. She said something in his ear that I'm sure was along the lines of a thank you. He blushed and planted a quick kiss on the top of her head. I think the old man almost got a little misty.

I put my arm around her waist as she pulled away from Al.

"Well, I'll leave you two young folks to your evening," Al said before heading off for his house.

"Do we have plans tonight?" Joanie asked looking up at me kind of uncertain.

"Well," I said sort of like I was thinking about it but I wasn't really because I didn't have to. "Kid and Lou said something about getting together tomorrow night and maybe playing some euchre or something but I don't think there's anything going on tonight. We could maybe see what Buck and Carol are up to but she's been awful tired lately, I guess."

She looked sort of relieved and I knew she still wasn't at all confident about those glasses and being seen in them. I thought it was sort of silly myself because to me she didn't look no different and I could still see those beautiful brown eyes through them and when she was willing to show it, she still had that same gorgeous smile.

"She probably needs her rest," Joanie said, "I wouldn't want to bother her. Maybe we could have a quiet night with just the two of us?"

That is just what we did. I have to say I rather enjoyed having Joanie all to myself and hearing about her week. She had signed on as a volunteer to work at getting out some mailings for John Kennedy's campaign for president. And Kennedy was the only male that she gushed about. Of course I don't know many women who didn't have at least a little crush on the man. He was young and, I guess, attractive. I wasn't jealous at all of that. It's like your girl having a poster of Elvis or James Dean on the wall, or if I had a poster of Marilyn or something. It's just nothing to concern yourself with too much. Apparently none of the boys in her classes caught her eye at all. She just went on talking about what she was learning and how she and Sherry would sit up late sometimes and talk and all the things she learned about Sherry. Sherry was from Midland and had a bunch of sisters and brothers. I can't recall anymore exactly how many but it was a big family she was from. She didn't have some of the experiences that Joanie had-not as much travelling and no cabin in the U.P.-but she had stories galore about her siblings. And she spoke pretty highly of some of the things in Midland. There are some gardens there that are real pretty. I hadn't known about them but I got to see them on a few occasions and they are real pretty. With Dow Chemical being right there, Sherry had been encouraged to go into science and she really liked it and was good at it. I think she was majoring in chemistry and minoring in biology or maybe it was the other way around. Either way, it was a load off of Joanie's mind. She never had the head as much for math and science so knowing that she could go to her roommate for help was a comfort.

I did a lot of nodding and just listening to her go on and on. It was like a different world that she was describing and certainly not like school as I had ever known it. I was a little jealous, not of the boys that she might meet but of the experience that she was having and even the things she got to learn. Just because I didn't do well in school don't mean I'm not a curious person or that I don't like learning. I always loved going to museums because Joanie would tell me things about whatever we were looking at and it was always really interesting. I loved that if Joanie read a book, she would always tell me about it and then it was almost like I was reading the book. I could read and I didn't mind it at all. Sometimes Joanie would loan me books and one day she even drug me down to the library and helped me sign up for a card. All the years that I was actually in school and I don't think I took a book out of any library at school past grammar school when we actually had library days. But once I had that card in my hand, I was down to the library at least twice a week checking out books and reading everything I could on different things that seemed interesting. I know that anything I know beyond fixing cars is due to one extent or another to Joanie showing me that there was this whole world out there. Or maybe it was that she showed me I had as much a right to it as anyone else did.

I know that night I just felt good to feel secure with her again. I know one week isn't a long time but she obviously didn't have eyes for anyone else but me and JFK and he was already married. Maybe this would be fine.

It always astounded me how it never tripped up Joanie when I didn't know stuff and she'd have to explain things to me. Somehow she never made me feel stupid for not knowing. I know at first when we started dating I felt insecure and like I was dumb but after a while I figured out that she didn't care in the slightest. She actually would tell me that I was smart and just didn't know it. I used to ask her how stupid a guy had to be to not even know if he was smart or not. That was good for an eye roll but I wasn't all kidding when I said it. I knew she was the smart one out of the two of us but it felt good sometimes that she didn't think I was totally dumb.

"You're quiet tonight," she observed while we were sitting on the roof listening to the radio. "Or you haven't been able to get a word in edgewise around my babbling."

"I like your babbling," I said honestly, "I like hearing you so happy and excited."

She cuddled up to me and said, "Still, something must have happened around here this week."

"Not a hell of a lot," I said and it was pretty much the truth. "The only real news is what I've already told you. Lou's pregnant and Kid's joining the Army. That was quite enough excitement for us for the whole week."

"When is he going in?" she asked.

"He went to the recruiting office Wednesday," I said, "There's some paperwork that's got to go through, I guess but within a few weeks he should be leaving for training."

It was hard to think of how uncertain things were for him at that point. He was so important to me and to our whole circle; just thinking that he wouldn't be there was hard and then thinking that he could get sent off to a war zone and well, I didn't even want to entertain that thought at all. I knew I maybe didn't have as much a right to fear as Lou did but no one ever wants to think about losing someone they love.

"Is Lou still upset?" Joanie asked.

"I don't know if Lou will ever not be upset by this," I answered, "But she's doing better. She don't like the idea of him going away and maybe even having to move with him at some point but it would be better than the alternative."

I didn't have to say it because the alternative was clear. The only place where a soldier was stationed where the family didn't follow was when he was deployed in a war. We were only just involved in the whole Vietnam thing at that time and U.S. involvement was still small but you never knew about such things. As it turned out, our fears of what that involvement could turn into were pretty well-founded.

I guess I look back so fondly on nights like that and like when we was driving to her cabin a few weeks earlier and everything from that year because I know we still had our innocence. Things was simpler then and I do mean that. It has nothing to do with stuff old geezers like me grump about either. It wasn't simpler because there were no cell phones or tiny little music players or the twitter or myface or whatever they call those network sites. True, we didn't have Google and wiki and all those things that give the littlest bit of information at our fingertips but that's not why we still had our innocence then. It's more that so much of what you can find in those wiki pages and search engine thingies just hadn't happened. It wouldn't be there if the computer stuff existed.

I look at how much changed in just a couple years. We saw our president assassinated; we watched a full blown war every night on TV while we ate dinner. We saw protests and Woodstock and all of this happened in less than a decade. I shake my head sometimes at how fast things move now and I think that's sometimes why everything seems so much worse than anything that ever happened before. The wars are worse and the crime and everything and it's not that it is worse, it's that we're so overwhelmed by how fast everything comes at us, there's just no time to let anything sink in or think about it much.

But that night was still innocent. Girls still wore saddle shoes and little penny loafers and tied their pony tails back in little ribbons and a guy like me was still a rebel for the simple act of having hair a little longer and wearing jeans instead of chinos. You don't know how often I'd like to go back to a time where being a hood meant you were wearing jeans and maybe had a pack of cigs rolled into the sleeve of your t-shirt. Now to be tough you have to have your pants hanging to your knees and a semi-automatic weapon stuffed in your pocket and arms full of tattoos.

All I really know is that innocence was bliss back then. Joanie was starry-eyed for the man who would soon be president even if neither one of us was allowed to vote for him and was talking a blue streak about changes coming for Negroes and women and everyone else too. All we could see was the good that could come and it never occurred to either of us, or many others I guess, that before the good could come, there'd be so much bad that some of us would start to wonder if any of it was worth it.

* * *

><p><strong>So, yeah...PBS here in the US has been running these wonderful documentaries about the folk music scene in the 60's and how it influenced the civil rights movement and the anti-war movement. Got me a little introspective. I was totally raised on folk music though to meet my parents and hear their politics you might not believe that they would have reared me on such left leaning political stuff. I have always been a little left winger though I prefer the term "displaced flower child". My kids and their friends all just call me a hippy and no doubt I would have been but I'm not quite that old. Anyway, it really struck me the research I have done on 1960 for this piece and seeing these documentaries and how different people were dressing and talking in just two or three short years. And the music...that one of the top hits in 1960 was something that wouldn't even have been played on an oldies station when I was growing up (BEyond the Sea by Bobby Darin) and the next year one of the top songs was "If I had a Hammer" which became an anthem of sorts for every movement striving for equality and Dylan's iconic "Blowin' in the Wind" wasn't too far behind. Astounding to me how fast things changed and continue to change. I already some days feel like some out of touch old fogie when my teens start talking about their gadgets and stuff and I'm not even 40 yet.<strong>

**So references, Midland is my hometown so I had to give it a shout out. Dow Gardens (so named because the land was a grant from the Dow foundation and the design of the gardens was done by Alden Dow) it really is a beautiful place and where I whiled away many a lazy summer afternoon. Um...the legal voting age in 1960 was 21 in case anyone is wondering why Joanie and Jimmy can't vote for JFK. Later it was changed largely on the basis of one statistic...the average age of a soldier fighting in Vietnam was 19 and the voting age was 21. Many believed, and I think rightly so, that if a man was old enough to fight and die then he ought to be old enough to vote for or against the one giving the orders. Well, you know they weren't about to raise the draft age...especially since one of the ways to sometimes avoid having to serve if your number came up was to be married and have kids. 21 gives a lot more time for guys to get some families and not have to go. So they lowered the voting age to 18 where it still is to this day. But there is no age you have to be in order to volunteer and in those days there was a lot more envelope licking and door knocking and pamphlet handing out going on. There was no twitter or anything else to get the word out and there were no 24 hr news networks and candidates relied on campaign funds from a little box we check on our income taxes that gives them like a dollar or two for each taxpayer. So volunteers were everything because there were no multi-billion dollar campaign funds. You ask me and that's a better plan because maybe we go back to government officials and public servants who actually work for the people and not for big business. Just sayin'...**

**I don't think there's much else too out there to figure out. I know not all of you dear ones are American but I think Kennedy was a big enough figure that his fate was not a shocker and most have seen pictures and know he was our youngest president ever and a good looking guy to boot. Wow...there is still such a long way to go with this...guess I'd better stay hydrated or I'll cramp before the end and have to limp it across the finish line.-J**


	16. Chapter 16

Joanie left before it got too late so she could head to temple with her family. It was kind of sad waking up without her but I was starting to truly believe that one day I'd be able to count on waking up next to her every morning and that was enough to get me through that loneliness. I wasn't expecting Joanie back until evening because she said she had some school work to attend to. In time we'd come to a point where she'd come back to me and do her work while I went out for a walk or just sat around reading or something. But at that time we weren't quite there yet. So I decided to head over to Al's and see if he was getting any of the football games on the radio. He smiled when he saw me walk up and I saw Buck and Ike were sitting there too and listening to the game with him. Annie and Carol looked a little disappointed it was only me and that I hadn't brought my prettier half with me. I explained where she was and I knew they understood but I think they still wished she was there. It did my heart good to know they thought almost as highly of her as I did. Kid and Lou weren't there but I knew that Lou's mom and been doing especially poorly and she was spending a lot of time at the hospital those days. Kid went along to support her and to look after Theresa. That little girl didn't need to be spending all her time in a hospital room watching her own mother waste away and die.

It was a lazy day sitting and listening to the games. We flipped back and forth on the radio dial to get the MSU and the U of M games and know what was going on with both teams. Talk was light and the kind that men have when things are going pretty damned good in their lives. The girls had headed over to Emma's to visit while we cheered on the good guys on the gridiron. We noted that there was a more visible belly on Carol than we'd seen before and I pointed out that Annie looked more settled and relaxed than I'd ever seen her so married life must agree with her.

"Or, at least married life with you, Ike," I said and he blushed. I meant it too. Those two were good for each other and Ike knew it too. We talked about work. Ike was working in the little grocery that Annie's dad owned and Buck had a warehouse job. It was hard work but it's the kind you don't mind so much when you're young and strong. In time he got a maintenance job with the city and he eventually retired out of there with a good pension and had made a right good living for himself. Right then, the job was just a paycheck and a way to keep a roof over his growing family's head. We only tiptoed around Kid's decision. Being men, we all understood it but it was hard and a little scary but then we were proud of him too. I know people are a lot more cynical about armed services these days but in those days the men who came home were all heroes. They were the folks we saluted on Memorial Day and Veteran's Day and the Fourth of July. They were revered and respected. No one then could fathom a time when soldiers returning from a war would be spat upon or end up homeless and denied medical care by the very government that sent them over to get injured in the first place. In our craziest thoughts, those realities never would have appeared but that's how things went down after a while.

Still, we all grew up on those great WWII war movies and even a few from Korea too. John Wayne and Gregory Peck and Steve McQueen fighting to save the world from the evil people who killed their own civilians or attacked us on our soil-never minding for even a second that Hawaii wasn't technically a state when Pearl Harbor was bombed-or vowed to spread communism and all its inherent evils around the world. The soldiers in those movies saved the innocent and the weak and made the world safe for freedom. So we were proud of Kid though we couldn't say so out loud to Lou without getting the look. You know what I mean. Every woman has that look she can give a man that can wilt him in his tracks. Joanie once told me a myth from Greece about a lady named Medusa who could turn men to stone if they looked in her eyes. I didn't have the guts to tell her all women have that skill whenever they choose to use it. I'd have gotten the look for sure if I'd said that. Once the games was over I went back to my place to wait for Joanie. We was going to pick up some dinner and bring over to Kid and Lou's and play some euchre. When Joanie drove up, I knew those new glasses of hers were still causing her some fear. She didn't know Kid and Lou like I did or she wouldn't have worried at all but she was worrying. We got over to Kid and Lou's place and I went in ahead carrying things.

"Hey Kid," I said, "Listen, I know it's kind of silly but Joanie just had to get glasses and she's a little nervy about it so if you could just avoid teasing about them?"

I knew he'd never say anything to be hurtful but we were a bunch that spent a lot of time kidding at each other so I wanted to be sure. I knew Lou, being a girl herself, would somehow just be able to tell that Joanie was feeling bad about them. Women have a telepathy or something about things like that.

"I won't say anything," he assured me.

We ate and talked and laughed and I couldn't help but think of what Kid had said to me that someday years later we'd all be like that again or still and all of our worrying for things would be memories we could laugh at. I really hoped he was right. I really did.

Lou looked tired but she had this inner light too. I saw her pregnant more than once and that thing they say about women glowing was sure true about her. I caught her alone in the kitchen taking in some dishes and stuff.

"I haven't had much chance to talk to you since, well, you know," I said, "How are you holding up?"

"Better," she said, "I'm still scared but I don't know what I'm scared most of anymore. At first I was just scared that something would happen to him but now I think I'm more scared of being a mother and maybe not being a good enough one or not knowing what to do. And then I get scared that we'll be stationed far away and I won't have anyone to help me."

Lou was just a slip of a thing and at that moment she looked even smaller and more fragile. I hugged her.

"You're already a great mother," I told her, "Theresa's going to be a fine young lady just because of you and ain't none of us ever going to be any farther than the telephone. Besides, there'll be other wives wherever you are and some of 'em are bound to have kids too and be able to help you."

"Thank you, Jimmy," she said all muffled into my shirt and she squeezed me once more before pulling away and stacking the dishes in the sink and setting them to soak a bit. "I might need you to remind me of that a few more times."

"I will," I said, "As often as you need me to."

"Joanie seems to be settling in at school," she said changing the subject.

"Yeah," I said and then I ventured out on what was, for me anyway, a pretty chancy limb. "Do you think it's really possible for a girl like her to really love a guy like me?"

Lou looked at me for a second her forehead all wrinkled up and then she started laughing and I mean she doubled herself over she was laughing so hard at me. I can look back on it too now and laugh but at the time I was confused and I think a little upset at her reaction.

"What are you laughing at, Lou?" I asked or really demanded of her.

She straightened back up and wiped at her eyes and tried to collect herself a bit but couldn't completely stop her laughter.

"Oh Jimmy," she choked out through her laughter. "Is this really the kind of thing keeping you up nights?"

I nodded like I felt guilty about it though I wasn't sure why I should.

"Well," she began and she'd mostly collected herself by that time. "Whether it's possible or not, she does. And I don't even see why it would be all that impossible. I think you've been selling yourself short with some of the bimbos you've been dating. I always thought you deserved better. It's hard to see you keep getting hurt all this time."

She rubbed circles on my back in the same way I'd seen her do for Theresa when the girl was sad or had skinned her knee or something.

"Now you don't go messing this up either," she warned, "She really loves you, Jimmy. You just take care of that now and don't go pushing her away like you do when you get scared."

I nodded and knew she was right. I don't know why women seemed so much smarter than men or maybe it was just what they knew was the stuff that seemed so mysterious that it made them all seem like geniuses. But I knew she was right. Joanie wasn't going anywhere unless I sent her there and I'd pushed girls away before that got too close and scared me. But I think I pushed them away because they weren't the ones I was supposed to be spending my life with. Joanie was. I knew I didn't even need to ask her because she knew it too. Well, that got some wheels turning in my head, I can tell you that.

Later that night with Joanie asleep in my arms, I got to thinking about what was possible and how sometimes the impossible just happened. I remembered one of the rare times I was paying attention in science class and the teacher was saying how a bumblebee shouldn't be able to fly, that its wings were just too small for the weight and shape of its body. But I've seen bumblebees fly and I guess they do it because no one ever bothered to tell them that they can't. And I guessed Lou was right, whether it was possible or not for us to be together and love each other and make each other happy, the fact remained that she was there in my arms right then. She looked to me for strength and encouragement and just by doing that she made me feel strong and courageous. I kissed her forehead and she nuzzled deeper into me. There was nothing more for me to do but hang on and enjoy the ride.

Weeks went by in much this same way. I would sometimes go and take her to dinner and save her from the dining halls and we would walk around campus enjoying the fall colors and then weekends she'd come see me.

Kid left for training and Lou spent even more time over to Emma's. I looked in on her nearly every day like I promised Kid I would. Hell, I'd have done it without making the promise. I knew Lou was more than capable of taking care of herself and Theresa and even the baby when it came and she had people to turn to but I wanted to make sure for myself that she was alright. And I knew there were fears she didn't share with just everyone. She didn't like to bother Kid with her fears when he called because they had so little time to talk and she was trying to bolster him and keep a brave face. And for the other women, she shared little still. She knew Emma but the other girls not so much. Me, she'd tell anything to and she knew I understood because if anyone came close to loving Kid as much as she did, it was me. I wouldn't have said it then but then times was different. For everything that was better then, not everything was. Today I don't think it's as big a deal for a man to admit any feeling he has. We seem to want to talk about feelings all the time now. I'm not saying that's entirely better either because sometimes I think you just got to suck it up and go about your business but when it comes to telling your family you love them, well, that's the kind of feeling that shouldn't have to stay a secret. .

One week, toward the end of September, I got a call from Bill wondering if me and Joanie wanted to come see the big game up in East Lansing and he'd snag us tickets if we did. I said sure, I was up for it but when I talked to Joanie she got real quiet. I knew she wasn't a huge football fan but she usually cared whether Michigan won or not and this was the Michigan/Michigan State game. I pressed her on it and she told me that she had to be in temple Saturday. I told her I knew that but that temple would be out in plenty of time. She shook her head and I wasn't worried so much as just confused. Joanie never refused to talk to me and she was never one to hide from me either. I guess she was acting kind of ashamed and I had never seen that from her, not like this. I think the first time she had one of her panic episodes, that day in her dad's car at school; she looked close to ashamed afterward but more to everyone else and not so much to me. Now she wouldn't meet my gaze and I just didn't know what to think. I kept pestering her though. That was usually the right thing to do with Joanie. At least for me, anyone else she'd clam up and never say a word but eventually if I badgered her long enough, she'd talk to me. And she did.

Seemed this Sabbath was different. It's what they called Yom Kippur and it was a really special day. She called it a 'high holy day' and I could see it was really important to her. She told me that she had to fast and there were services on Friday night too so she wouldn't be over until Saturday night or Sunday morning. She said it like I was going to tell her not to bother or something. I don't know what she was thinking I was going to feel about it but there's lots of people who fast and things like that for their religions. Hell, we was right close to Hamtramck and lots of the folks there was catholic and they had days they fasted or couldn't eat certain things. I kissed her and told her I'd see her when she came over and to spend what time she wanted and needed with her family. I asked Al later if he'd ever heard of this holy day and he said he had. When Hank Greenberg was playing, he was the first Jew in the Major Leagues, you know. Anyway, he wouldn't play on Yom Kippur because you just can't expect a guy to be fasting and play a decent game of baseball. Besides, he was in temple all day. Nowadays I hear of more and more guys who take Yom Kippur off. Ain't nothing wrong with sticking to your faith. Sometimes in this world, faith is all we got and it pays to hold on to it.

So when I saw Lou the next day at Emma's I asked her if she wanted to keep me company. I knew that she enjoyed a game as much as any of the guys and she rarely got to watch or listen to them anymore 'cause she was always with the women. I thought it might be nice for her to get to see Bill and maybe a day out of the city would do her some good too. She made sure that Emma didn't mind watching Theresa before saying she'd go. It was a nice drive up to East Lansing with the colors all on.

It was nice to see Bill. Guys aren't always the best letter writers and we weren't high on his list of folks to use his telephone time on so we hadn't heard a heck of a lot from him since he left for school. He seemed to be doing well and he was his same old self, still kind of annoying but there's a comfort in the things that don't change. He had a girl with him and I don't remember her name. Bill wasn't often without female company but most of 'em didn't stick. I didn't always understand it either because he wasn't quite the same around women as he was around men. He could be real sweet to the girls and you'd think one of them would have hung onto him. But it looked for a while like none of 'em was ever going to. We had a good time though Bill had a better time because his team won that day. Michigan pulled out a winning record that season but lost the two games that mattered most. I think most wolverines could be satisfied with a two-win season if those wins were against Michigan State and Ohio State.

We stayed in East Lansing for a while after the game just to spend time with Bill. It's a nice campus up there with a river running right through it and lots of trees all pretty colored and we walked around and grabbed a bite to eat. I filled Bill in on all the things going on with the gang though I knew Lou and Emma had been writing him and Emma had been sending him care packages of cookies too. I could tell he was pretty bothered by Kid joining up too. He'd been learning a little more about the conflict over there in one of his classes and he said it looked like it wasn't a winnable situation and if we stayed in, it was going to get real ugly for our boys. He tempered his words around Lou not wanting to upset her more but still it made for a somber mood on the drive home.

"They probably won't send him over there," I said. "Even if Bill's right and things get nasty, it won't be for a while and they aren't sending too many of our boys there right now. I'll bet he never even leaves the good old U.S. or he gets some assignment in Germany or something."

Lou just nodded. I had to find some way to lighten things up.

"He'll be home for Christmas, right?"

"Yeah," she said, "He'll be done with training and waiting to know where he's stationed, but he'll be away still on Thanksgiving."

"Maybe we'll have to have a party for Christmas when he comes home," I said hoping that a party would perk her up a little.

"Would Joanie be there?" she asked and the question puzzled me. I couldn't tell if she didn't want to see Joanie or what. They had always seemed to get along.

"I would guess so, why?"

"Jews don't celebrate Christmas," she said.

"How do you know that?" I asked and I wasn't doubting her or anything, I just wanted to understand more. I had my reasons for wanting to better understand Joanie's religion and its traditions.

"Remember Esther Greenblatt?" she asked and I nodded. "Well, she's Jewish and she told me that they have something else that time of year called Chanukkah and they don't do Christmas. It would be a shame if Joanie wasn't there to celebrate Kid being home with us because it's a Christmas party."

"I'll ask her about it but I guess we could make it a New Year's party or something if we have to."

Wow, no Christmas; I had no idea. I understand now that there are a lot of people in the world who don't celebrate it but at that time it seemed strange that someone wouldn't.

* * *

><p><strong>Sorry this took so long...I actually had this chapter almost entirely written yesterday afternoon and then I did my normal fact checking and realized that I had to re-write most of the chapter. So here is is finally. Um...Yeah, Yom Kippur is coming early next month and Rosh Hashana (Jewish New Year) is next week...getting ready to party like its 5772! Whoohoo! So, um...MSU is a beautiful campus and that wasn't just my Sparty love that had them win the game in the story...you can look up the 1960 MichiganMichigan State game played on Oct 1 which did happen to be Yom Kippur that year. And the river running through campus is called the Red Cedar. It's very picturesque. I guess there's not much more to explain in this one...-J**


	17. Chapter 17

It wasn't too long after that when I asked Al for an afternoon off and I called to make an appointment. I figured if I was going to do this then I might just as well do it right. Well, Wednesday rolled around and I drove out to Bloomfield Hills and to this nice old house that had been converted to office space with a sign out front reading Berger, Cohen and Shapiro, Attorneys at Law. I had never been to a lawyer's office before but there's a lot of things I never done before meeting Joanie. I had spiffed up some and was wearing chinos and a good button up shirt and it was possible to comb the hair in a way I looked a little more like Ricky Nelson than Jerry Lee Lewis so more all-American boy than crazy, cousin-marrying borderline pedophile. I walked in and told the nice lady at the desk who I was and that I had an appointment with Jacob Cohen. She nodded and I sat down. I'd barely picked up a magazine that didn't look too bad when she called to me and led me down a hallway to a door with Mr. Cohen's name on it. She opened the door and announced me. I have to admit at that moment I still held the thought it might be possible to turn and run but that's not what I was out there to do. He looked up at me like he had thought maybe there was another James Hickok out there who was coming to see him that afternoon. I just smiled. We shook hands and I sat down in a chair opposite his desk.

"Has it gotten that hectic with Joanie at school that you have to make an appointment to see me?" he asked with a smile. I know I could have called and asked to meet with him or even discussed this over the phone but frankly, I didn't have the guts. I knew I could call and talk to a secretary and once the appointment was made I wouldn't be able to bring myself to break it.

"I'm sorry to interrupt your work day, sir," I said and he waved the comment like it was nothing.

"Gladys and I were just saying the other day we'd have to have a family dinner and maybe Joanie would see fit to bring you," he said and the ease he spoke with told me such a conversation had actually happened. "We've missed seeing you around."

I ducked my head not sure at first how to react. I'd never had a girl's parents say anything like that. Hell, aside from Al and Emma, no one older than me ever missed seeing me as far as I'd known. It made me curious and the curiosity made me bolder.

"If I can ask," I began and saw Mr. Cohen's nod that said I could ask anything. "Why didn't you send me packing the first time you laid eyes on me? She's too good for me, you know."

Mr. Cohen smiled and I thought at first he might even laugh.

"Remember when Joanie was moving into her dorm and she shut herself in the car?" he asked like anyone was ever going to forget that day. He didn't even wait for an answer and I know now that questions like that are called rhetorical. "She told you some things about me that day. Do you remember all she said?"

I nodded, I did remember every word.

"What she didn't mention, because it wasn't relevant to why she was so upset, is that the Goldman's were very well off," he paused a moment reclaiming the memory. "Mr. Goldman was actually Dr. Goldman so he was learned and they had money. Neither he nor Mrs. Goldman wanted Gladys to see anything of me. I was very poor. My father had been able to turn his little apple cart into a small grocery after the depression but there was not much money left after necessities were paid for. I never went hungry and I had clothes on my back but they were secondhand and anything else I needed or wanted, I had to take care of myself. He couldn't even afford to pay me for the hours I worked in the grocery. For money, I took a paper route and made deliveries for other businessmen. They couldn't afford to pay me much but a few coins in my pocket were more than I had before. When I met Gladys, she was the most beautiful creature I'd ever seen in my life and I didn't know why but she seemed to like me too. It was hard for her to spend time with me over her parents' objections but she did it anyway. Joanie got a lot of her spunk from her mother. After Gladys got her teaching degree, while I was still working through law school, we got married. Her parents hated the idea but they went along."

He stopped talking and looked at me a moment like he was reading me then he spoke some more.

"I have two beautiful, intelligent daughters and I want only the best for them," he went on, "The best thing they can be is happy. We have money, James. I know you know that but money doesn't make one person better than another and it doesn't make you happy. If I hadn't gone to college and had taken over my father's store, Gladys would still have been a teacher and we wouldn't have starved but we wouldn't have some of the things we have. We would have still been happy though; do you know why that is?"

I shook my head.

"We would have been together," he stated, "Your friends who just got married this summer, would any of them be happier if they'd married someone wealthy?"

I shook my head and it was quiet for a bit before I realized it was my turn to talk. I'd never known anyone like Mr. Cohen before. Al treated me like a son but Mr. Cohen treated me like an equal.

"I don't have an education, or money, or even a family to bring her to meet," I said, "My friends are in love and that's why they got married, even Buck and Carol who kind of had to. But none of them ever expected any better than what they have. They all came from the neighborhood and they all expected to marry someone from the neighborhood and struggle like they always have. Joanie is used to better."

"Joanie is used to things," Mr. Cohen clarified, "But those don't make things better. She's seen a marriage where people love and respect each other and those are her standards for dating and few young men have even come close to that standard."

He paused and studied me for a moment.

"Now did you drive all this way to tell me you're not worthy of my little girl?" he asked, "Because that's not your call to make, nor is it mine. I told you my girls are intelligent and I have to respect their choices because most of the time, they do a pretty good job of making those choices."

Well, here it was, there was no dodging it any longer.

"No sir," I said, "I didn't come here for that. I came to ask something of you. I don't suppose it's too much of a secret that I love Joanie." He shook his head and I continued. "I thought maybe she'd head to school and start finding some other guys who were maybe better suited for her but she hasn't, not yet anyway. I promise I would never stand in the way of the plans she made with getting her education and all but I wanted to ask permission to really court her and maybe someday, if she's willing, marry her."

He smiled like he just thought of a joke that I wouldn't understand even if I heard it. He was right too because being a father myself now and having sat on the other side of the table more than once, I know what he was thinking of. Nearly every man has been there and it's like a special club but you don't really get to join until you go full circle and you've been both the man seeking the blessing and the man with the power to give it.

"You're looking for a blessing, then?" he asked.

"Yes, sir," I answered.

"Someday, God willing," he started, "You'll have children and you'll have the prospect of them marrying and moving into that part of their lives. It's a beautiful thing to see your child grown and see the woman or man she or he has grown into but it's scary too. When they are babies, you can hold them tight to you and protect them from everything out there. You can control everything in their world. As they grow, you have to let go a little at a time and you start to prioritize. A baby you can look at and say this one will go to Harvard and be a doctor but a young lady or young man you start to say, this one should be happy. It's not that Harvard is bad or that you think your child can't get there but you start to see a little personality, a unique little person all their own and you know that your plans might not be theirs. And more important, your plans might not make them happy. You start to understand that if your child is a plumber or a ditch digger that you can be proud of them and happy for them if they are happy. Do you understand, James?"

I wasn't sure I did.

"When it comes to your child finding love," he went on, "You start with the thought that there would be this ideal and perfect person, he will be handsome and Jewish and from a good home and wealthy and smart. As it goes on, you see which of those things you truly care about. You are a handsome young man, James and whether I, or Gladys or even Judy thinks so, Joanie does and her opinion is what counts. You are intelligent even if you haven't had the formal education some others have. But more important than those things, you are a good and kind man. Joanie loves you and lights up when she talks of you. You respect my little girl and you treat her with tenderness. Most of all, I know you would never hurt her. I can ask for no more. The fact that I like you too is a benefit and makes it a little nicer thinking that someday you could be my son-in-law. A blessing you want and a blessing you shall have."

I didn't even know what to say especially since the man was studying me like I don't even know what.

"You look surprised, James," he said.

"I am," I said.

"You drove all this way and even scheduled a formal appointment with me honestly thinking I would shoot you down?"

I just looked at my hands in my lap.

"Let me ask you something," he went on, "If I had said no, what would you have done?"

"I don't rightly know," I answered.

"James," he said, "I question people for a living and I'd be pretty lousy at my job if I didn't know a load of crap when I heard it. You at least half expected me to say no but you came out here anyway. It doesn't add up that you had no plan B."

"I guess I would have found a way," I said, "I don't think I could live without her. I know I wouldn't want to."

He laughed a little but not in a mean way.

"Well then," he said, "If you're just going to find a way to marry her anyway-whether it's just going against my wishes or convincing me I was wrong-I might just as well give the blessing."

I think I finally let a smile through. I knew I had earned some respect there and earning something is a good feeling whether it's money or respect.

"You know what, James?" he said and I looked up at him. "I don't have another appointment today. I think I might just take off early. Can I buy my future son-in-law a beer?"

"I could go for a beer," I said smiling, "But I wouldn't go jumping the gun just yet. I don't even think she'd say yes if I asked her right now."

He nodded as he came out from behind the desk and put his arm around me like we was old pals.

"You are a smart man," he said, "And if you're as smart as I think, you won't go telling her about this meeting until you've been married at least ten years and have at least one child. It would offend her feminist ideals terribly."

I knew that already. I had even questioned whether I should meet with the man but I was glad I did. Mr. Cohen and I had a good understanding from then on and I was able to feel a lot more comfortable around him after that.

It was nice to spend the afternoon tipping back a few with Mr. Cohen. He was really cool. I hope I've been that cool as a dad and even just as an adult. It also gave me a chance to ask him about a few different things that had been on my mind. Well those things and talking about how the Tigers had been a disappointment that season but the Wings might just be okay and maybe the Lions wouldn't completely embarrass themselves.

The rest of the week I was in the best mood I had been in for quite some time. I was humming and I think Al thought maybe I had taken to drugs or something but things was just finally looking good for me. I guess I never thought much about hopes or anything before I met Joanie. I just went from day to day and broken car to broken car. Being something to my friends and being someone that Al could trust in his place was the most I thought I could hope to achieve. Now I was looking for real at being someone's husband and maybe having kids and just the thought felt damned good, I can tell you.

The good feeling I had only lasted until Friday when Lou walked into the shop crying and barely able to stand for her tears. Her mom had passed in the night. I held her hand while she sat at Al's desk and called Kid. He tried to get the Army to let him come for the funeral but it just couldn't be arranged so I helped her with the plans for the burial and all that. I'd never done anything like that before but there was no way Lou could do it all herself. Joanie skipped her classes on Monday and joined all of us for the funeral. We hadn't known Lou's mom all that well but we weren't there for her as much as for Lou and Theresa. Emma invited everyone over to her place after the service. It was somber but Lou was feeling better for everyone around her. It's not like it was a shock or anything but it was sad for her and she needed all of us to help her through. Joanie came up to me in Emma's living room and touched my arm.

"Maybe you should sit and talk to her a while," she said gesturing to where Lou sat on the porch all alone. Joanie knew that Lou opened up to me like she didn't to anyone else. I worried once or twice that Joanie might get jealous of Lou and how close we were but she understood how I loved Lou and that Lou wasn't no threat. I went out on the porch.

"This a private party out here," I said handing her a cup of coffee. "Or can anyone sit for a while?"

She gave me a smile that was kind of forced like but it was trying to be brave. I just sat next to her and put an arm over her shoulders. She leaned her head on me and let the tears go. Damn I hate when women cry but she needed this and I knew it. I held her a bit and let her just cry. I knew it hurt her to be carrying her first child and not have a mom to turn to like the other girls did. Her tears started to slow down a little bit finally.

"I'm a terrible person," she said.

"Lou," I said pulling back from her with the shock of those words. "You are one of the nicest people I know. You wouldn't know how to be terrible if you tried."

She shook her head, "I was relieved when she went," she said.

I took her face in my hands and tried to wipe away some of her tears while I figured out how to say what I needed to in order to make her feel better.

"Lou honey," I said and I didn't use words like that to her that often. "Your mom was real sick and there wasn't a chance she was going to get better. She'd been dying for quite a while and in a lot of pain too. A terrible person would want her to keep hanging on and suffering just so they won't have to say goodbye. I know there was a relief in knowing you won't have to keep going to the hospital and seeing her like that but you and Theresa can move on now. And it's better she went before you had to move."

I looked at her and I think my words were sinking in a tiny bit.

"You are a very good person, Lou," I told her again, "Don't you ever forget that."

She gave me a real smile then. I knew she was still hurting but she wasn't feeling guilty about anything anymore. I hugged her again and could see Joanie smiling at me out the front window.

* * *

><p><strong>I had fun with parts of this. Of course it was sad that Lou's mom died but even I cannot cure cancer and especially not in 1960. Medicines were much less good then. I have lost people to cancer though and often the most comforting thought for those left behind is that their loved one isn't suffering anymore. To think of poor Lou probably all of 18, newly married, pregnant with a husband away in basic training and a baby sister needing care, not being obligated to spend time with her suffering and dying mother everyday had to have been a relief. <strong>

**I don't really have a lot else to add right now except that it was fun to learn a little more about Jacob Cohen and the whole dynamic with the Goldmans. He's pretty cool. It's funny, I know my husband didn't ask for any blessing from my parents and I'm sure it was pretty much implied with his first marriage cuz that was a have to along the same lines as Buck and Carol but my step-daughter's beau called the day before proposing to ask for her hand. We've seen this kid go through some huge internal battles and I know he felt there might be objections based on that but when it comes down to it, as parents you don't really have a say...especially when the kid in question is pushing 30. All you can hope is that they fins someone who will respect them and love them and treat them well. Maybe not all parents at that time would see that but I think Mr. Cohen had a unique perspective on things. And I think he sees the good in young Jimmy as well. **

**Okay, I really don't have anything more to add to this now. Huge love to you all!-J**


	18. Chapter 18

I'd love to say the next couple months went smooth but I'm too old for telling lies to do me much good. It took Lou a while to start being okay and I know part of that was knowing how sad her sister was. I guess things was okay for me. I was finally feeling good about things with Joanie. I may never really understand what she saw in me but I cared less and less as time went on. I knew she did love me and her family really did like me too and it wasn't just that they liked me as an individual. They liked me for Joanie.

When Thanksgiving rolled around, I took Lou and Theresa down to the parade in the morning and then headed up to Bloomfield Hills and dealt with the Bubbe Goldman death glare all through dinner. That woman was never going to cut me any slack and I could sit at that table and see that she still didn't cut Mr. Cohen any either. If a nice Jewish man like him who had made so much of himself still wasn't good enough for her daughter, I guessed I shouldn't take it too personally when she didn't think that I was good enough for her granddaughter. Besides, I'd take away a couple of her arguments against me in time. I'm not saying I enjoyed eating a meal with that woman staring daggers at me but Joanie was holding my hand under the table for most of the meal so I decided she could be as sour as she wanted because I was coming out the winner.

Mid-December that year was the start of Chanukkah. I didn't know the first thing about it but Joanie said it wasn't necessary. I went out to her parents' house in the afternoon so that I'd be there at sundown. Once the sun did set, Joanie and Judy told the story. I think it was a tradition they had come up with for their family but it was also for my benefit. It's kind of a cool story too. Then the center candle was lit and as that candle was used to light a candle on the far right of the menorah, everyone except Joanie began to chant. She whispered the English translation low in my ear.

"Barukh atah Adonai, Eloheinu, melekh ha'olam."

"Blessed are you, Lord our God, sovereign of the universe."

"Shehecheyanu v'kiyimanu v'higi'anu laz'man hazeh. Amein."

"Who has kept us alive, sustained us, and enabled us to reach this season. Amen."

I remembered then how Joanie had said that she so loved the chanting in temple and I understood why. I was so moved by the tones and the love in their voices and it wasn't just a love of each other or even of God. It was a love of the very faith itself, of the history and of the story. There was more chanting and still Joanie kept me up to speed.

"Barukh atah Adonai, Eloheinu, melekh ha'olam."

"Blessed are you, Lord our God, sovereign of the universe."

"Asher kidishanu b'mitz'votav v'tzivanu."

"Who has sanctified us with His commandments and commanded us."

"L'had'lik neir shel Chanukah. Amein."

"To light the lights of Chanukkah. Amen."

"Barukh atah Adonai, Eloheinu, melekh ha'olam."

"Blessed are you, Lord our God, sovereign of the universe."

"She'asah nisim la'avoteinu bayamin haheim baziman hazeh. Amein."

"Who performed miracles for our ancestors in those days at this time. Amen."

Joanie looked up at me, her eyes shining.

"Well?" she asked, "What do you think?"

I know a part of her was insecure about the whole thing because chanting in a foreign language does seem a little odd to some but then most catholic services at that time were still in Latin so I guess maybe back then it wasn't so strange. I can only imagine what some people think now when they walk in to find people chanting in an ancient form of a foreign tongue. The Hebrew spoken and chanted in temple is biblical and so not anything even close to what people in Israel speak today but it serves the purpose. It is kind of a nice thing to know that wherever you go, the service is going to make sense to you. Or at least most of it will. When she asked me, I was still watching the flames dance and letting the reverent words sink in.

"It's beautiful," I said and she hugged me. Joanie always loved Chanukkah and I think it meant a lot to her that I found it as beautiful as she did. It's not the big holiday like some folks think. Passover is much more important. Not that rededicating a temple isn't a very important thing to do but compared with an entire people being freed from slavery, it sort of pales.

Soon I was getting pulled to the living room so Judy could kick my tuchus at dreidel. I don't know what her secret was but by the end of every game, she was sitting there with a pile of geld and I had none. I wasn't there every night but I made it another couple of them and got to thinking about how nice it might be someday to be chanting over a menorah in my own home with Joanie's eyes still shining at me and my own kid kicking my tuchus at dreidel.

About a week later, I got a real good surprise. I was under a car and I heard someone walk in so I rolled out and sat up so I could greet whoever it was. I saw Theresa come bouncing in smiling and I told her Al was in if she wanted to go in and get some candy. Then Lou came in looking happier than I'd seen her in I didn't remember how long.

"It's a good thing you're sitting down, Jimmy," she said, "You might just fall over otherwise."

I looked at her in a question and she nodded to someone outside and in walked a soldier. I didn't even recognize him at first. He'd lost some weight or turned it into muscle or something and he had no hair. But barely more than a second of looking at him and I knew who it was. He could be on the moon for a decade and when he got back, I'd know him. That would be important someday but there I go again trying to get ahead of the story.

I stood up using the car I was working on to steady myself. Kid was just standing there looking kind of uncertain. He sort of held a hand out to me but I brushed it aside as I crossed to him and wrapped my arms around him. No one else was watching besides Lou and she understood. My brother was home and I knew it wasn't forever but he was there then and I didn't care who saw me hug him. If we'd have come from even one parent in common, no one would have even batted an eye. I held him out at arm's length and looked him up and down.

"Damn, Kid," I said, "Is it even you in there?"

He laughed.

"I know I look a little different," he admitted, "I think I startled my own wife when I came up and hugged her at the bus station."

Lou blushed and ducked her head but she was still just beaming to have her husband home.

"I'm surprised you recognized her with that belly she's growing," I said. Lou was getting mighty big. She was probably six months or so along then and being as small as she was, that baby really stuck out there. Carol was a good month further along and Lou looked about as big.

"Jimmy!" Lou hollered at me but she was laughing. Kid put a hand over that big ol' belly like he was protecting what was inside. It felt good and right to have them there joking with me and I tried not to think how soon they'd both be leaving and how long it might be before we was all together again.

"What's all this racket out here?" Al came out and I knew Theresa had told him that Kid was back. "Well hey there Kid."

Al looked at Kid like he was trying to pretend he wasn't glad to see him. It didn't work.

"Oh get over here son," Al said finally, "Let me get a good look at you."

That night we all went over to Emma's for supper. I think Emma spent most of the night fighting tears off she was so happy to see Kid and have him back where she could take care of him.

That night I had barely drifted off to sleep when my phone rang. It scared me some because good news never comes from a phone ringing in the middle of the night.

"Yeah," I said into the phone trying to shake away the sleep that had just taken root in my head.

"Jimmy?" asked a quiet voice that sounded familiar but somewhere between its soft tone and my groggy head, I didn't place it at first.

"Yeah," I said again kind of annoyed. It's not like anyone else lived in my place.

"Jimmy, this is Sherry," I have to say that right then I was completely awake and it felt like someone had replaced my blood with melting snow. I could actually feel the cold running through my veins. "You need to come quick."

"Is she okay?" I asked not even sure I wanted the answer.

"She's crying and I can't get her to stop," Sherry told me, "I know you can. If you don't get here soon, they're going to call an ambulance. Someone will let you in. Please come."

I will forever in my life be grateful for Sherry and whatever powers brought them together in that little dorm room. They hit it off and were almost closer than sisters sometimes. Sherry has a capacity for love that few I've known do and she always looked out for Joanie. Of course in future semesters, I knew this was coming for Joanie. It was the end of the semester and finals time after all.

For the way I drove to campus that night, I should be thankful that the roads weren't as bad as Michigan roads can get in December. I made it alright and there was someone there to let me into the building. I know that at that time of night, I wasn't usually allowed in but it's not like I was there to attack her virtue or anything. I got into her room and the first person I saw was Sherry.

"We can't even get close to her," she said, "She's thrown things and almost hit me but I ducked."

I put a hand on her shoulder as I passed her just to let her know I was grateful she'd called me. There was a crowd of girls around the room all looking in and I wasn't real sure we needed an audience but I also didn't want to waste time making a fuss about it. I went to Joanie. She was on her bed sitting way back where her bed was wedged in the corner. She was breathing real fast and her eyes were wide and kind of wild looking. Her knees were pulled up tight to her chest and she was digging her fingernails into her arms so hard her knuckles were white. I sat down on the bed and reached and stroked her cheek gently. She started to shake her head violently.

"You know I don't buy that," I said, "We've had this discussion before, remember?"

Joanie started rocking back and forth which might not have been as bad if she hadn't been right against the wall so her head was hitting violently every time she rocked back. That wouldn't do. I knew I had to get a hold of her. I also knew I might get hit for my troubles but it had been a good long while since I had gotten a decent shiner. I took a deep breath and grabbed her. She was still rocking her head really hard and landed it on my cheekbone before I got her pulled to me and wrapped an arm around her head to hold it to my chest. It hurt but not as bad as watching her hurt herself. She tried to slam her head a few more times but when she couldn't, she settled a bit. She was still crying though.

"It's okay, sweetie," I said softly as she cried against me. "I'm here."

I didn't know why that should make anyone feel better but it was something to say and it did seem to make her feel better. She quit breathing so fast and sort of clung to me like she finally realized I was there. I just started talking to her about anything and everything.

"It's okay now. I won't let you go," I started, "Guess who showed up at the shop today? Kid! Yeah, he's back for the holidays. Lou is so happy to have him back and I thought Emma was going to turn into a puddle. I have to say I was pretty damned glad to see him too. He sure does look different though. And I wanted to talk to you about a party for Kid, you know, to get the whole gang together and stuff. We thought about a Christmas party but I didn't know if you were allowed to celebrate Christmas or what so maybe it should be a New Year's party. You'll have to tell me. Emma wanted you to know you are welcome to come eat at her place on Christmas even if you don't celebrate it."

"I can," came a tiny voice.

"What?"

"I can celebrate Christmas," she said a little clearer. "I just never have. It might be fun."

I hugged her tighter.

"You feeling a little better?" I asked.

"I always feel better when you're near," she said. "My head hurts. Did I bump it or something?"

"You could say that," I said. She noticed the swelling and the bruising later and felt bad but I knew it hadn't been anything she was even aware of doing at the time. It wasn't that bad. A guy like me, I'd had worse before I was out of grammar school and not just from fights at school either. I went into school with plenty of shiners courtesy of my old man. No one cared too much if a kid got beat back in those days and those who did care couldn't do nothing about it. I lived through it but I have to say it's better to get a kid out of that. Not all kids are as lucky as me to have friends like I found.

Eventually I had to leave and the girls all went back to their rooms. I thanked Sherry before I left for calling me. The dorm mother kind of glared at me but I didn't care much. She couldn't have been too mad at me. I saved her a call to the ambulance and a trip to the hospital that night. I tucked Joanie into her bed before I left and kissed her forehead.

"You are going to do just fine," I said, "If I could just get you to believe in yourself half as much as I believe in you, you'd be unstoppable."

She smiled at me.

"Thank you, James."

"I love you, you beautiful woman," I said before I closed the door behind me and made my way back to my car.

* * *

><p><strong>Hellooooo! Yeah...been a couple of days. Sorry...kept trying to write and it kept being really crappy but I think I got it together a little bit. I don't think there are any Michigan references much in this one. But there is all that Hebrew...those are the blessings said over the candles of Chanukkah. The first one there is only said the first night and then is said the beginning of many other holy days as well. Oh and dreidel...I think most have heard of it but do you know how to play? I do and my kids kick my tuchus and the tuchus of everyone they ever play against. Of course I haved caught them practicing spinning the top in like July too so that might be why. Anyway, the dreidel is a four sided top. Each side has a Hebrew character on it and depending on how it lands, that's what you have to do. You play with geld which are chocolate coins and so sometimes you get the pot and sometimes you have to put in the pot and sometimes you get part of teh pot. It is fun. I think this year my BFF's little boy is old enough to play some dreidel during our annual party. We call it a "solstiChristmaChanuKwansikkah" party. I have friends who are pagan and therefore celebrate solstice, we are an interfaith household and have a Christmas tree and a menorah. I have no friends who celebrate Kwanza but I don't want to exclude anyone. We have it on the first night of Chanukkah and you are all invited! Seriously...just show up around sunset and we'll light some candles and chant some Hebrew and eat tons of food and you can get yoru tuchus kicked by my sons (they will give you pity chocolate when you lose). Oh and Tuchus means backside, tushy, hiney, hind end, bottom, buttocks, etc...<strong>

**Okay lovelies...let me know what you think...I am looking to a Christmas party for the gang...whee!-J**


	19. Chapter 19

"Are you sure I look alright?" Joanie asked me for I think possibly the thousandth time as we were heading out the door.

"Joanie," I said and I know I sounded a lot testier than I meant to but really she had changed her clothes about ten times and I knew we'd never get out the door at this rate. "You look perfect. I don't see why you are so insecure. You know all of the people we're seeing tonight and you like them and they like you."

She looked at her feet like she was embarrassed and spoke to the floor.

"It's my first Christmas," she said really soft, "I don't want to mess it up."

I couldn't help laughing at her.

"You can't mess up Christmas," I told her, "It never goes perfect anyway no matter how many specials you see on TV that tell you different. Remember you told me not to sweat Chanukkah because I didn't really have to do anything?"

"Yes."

"Christmas is the same," I assured her, "You just have to be there and enjoy being together. And besides, this isn't really Christmas; it's just a Christmas party."

"Even worse," she said.

"No," I said hugging her tight to me. "Even better for me because I get to go to the party with the prettiest girl."

She blushed and smiled and I knew we'd make it over to Emma's yet. We had thought of doing this shindig on Christmas Eve but Theresa still believed in Santa Claus and we didn't want Kid and Lou to have to leave the party early, especially since it was a party mostly for Kid anyway. So we were celebrating a few days early.

"So what do I do?" she asked.

"It's a party, Joanie," I said, "You have fun. We sing songs but if you don't know them it's okay, no one will think anything bad of you. Ike doesn't often join in either and he knows them. And there are presents." I held up the bag I was holding with gifts for our friends. "And we eat a lot. That's it."

"I think I can manage that," she said.

We walked over to Emma's with the snow crunching under our feet and I could see the warm light coming from the house. I swear, there was something about Emma's place that always brought to mind a Norman Rockwell painting or something.

Joanie squeezed her arm tighter around my waist the closer we got to the front door. Really you would have thought it was the first time she'd ever been to the house. I tightened my arm around her shoulders to reassure her. We just walked on in knowing there was no need to knock. There usually isn't when you're coming home for Christmas. Ike noticed us first. I guess when you're not busy running your mouth you can be more observant. Soon we were being pulled into hugs all around the room and Joanie was being pulled off to talk to the girls. She hesitated but I whispered into her ear that talking to friends is talking to friends even when there's a giant pine tree in the living room.

That was a good night I can tell you that. Emma out did herself with the meal and Joanie got her first introduction to the wonder of Christmas cookies. Before we started exchanging gifts, Ike got everyone's attention and we was all kind of surprised 'cause Ike wasn't one to ever try to draw attention or make announcements. He looked kind of uncomfortable and uncertain but then he looked at Annie and smiled that great big smile he had.

"We thought you might like to know that, well, we're, um, going to have a baby," he said and kind of blushed a little.

I don't know how Annie managed to sit with Lou and Carol all evening to that point and talk about their babies and not her own but event the girls were surprised to hear the news. And it was good news too. I caught Joanie's eye across the room and she had a huge smile for Ike and Annie's good news but I knew what was under that smile. She was feeling left behind. I was too if I'm being honest but then there's a lot of roads you can take to get where you need to be and there's no need trying to copy the footsteps of someone else. Those footsteps are only going to take you to where that person needs to be. They won't lead you to your own happiness. Joanie had things to do before heading for the whole marriage and babies part of life. They were things she wanted to do for others but also that she had to do for herself. And by that time I had a couple things I had to do too before I was really ready to be popping any questions.

We all traded presents and I don't remember much about who got what, it's been a lot of years you know, but I remember Theresa was sitting in the middle of a great big pile of dolls and things like that by the time all was said and done. It was hard not to go a little overboard buying for her and I have to admit that a decent amount of that pile came from her "uncle" Jimmy. I could make excuses like she'd been through a lot in those months before and was looking at moving God only knew where but the fact was, I really loved that little girl like she was my own baby sister and it was fun buying stuff and thinking how her face would light up when she unwrapped it. Joanie helped too with the shopping and I think it was fun for her to shop for a little girl. Judy was past dolls and wanted clothes and records so I think Joanie was missing buying dolls and doll clothes and things like that.

We all sat around talking into the night and Theresa eventually fell asleep in an overstuffed armchair. She stayed awake longer than any of us expected but I think it was just because she was so hopped up on sugar from all the cookies. We still kept talking even after Theresa threw in the towel hugging one of her new dolls tight to her. We shared old stories that most of us knew but the girls hadn't heard. More than once one or another of us got a light swat upside the head from Emma as she hadn't heard all of the stories either. She knew we were no angels but knowing that and knowing specific stories about our less than angelic behavior, well that's two totally different things. More than once I looked over at Joanie to make sure she was okay with everything she heard about me. We laughed at all of it now but I wasn't a very good kid. I had told her I done bad things but I wasn't specific about what I did. The rest of the guys were though and Bill, of course, was the worst. He was one hell of a storyteller and his embellishments worried me some. I was especially worried when he got to the story about the fight I got into where I pulled a knife and used it. It was a right stupid thing to do and I know that. I think a part of me knew it the moment I did it. The other guy was okay and all but I shouldn't have done it and I feel real bad about it. That was the cause of my stint in juvie and my time at the reform school. I caught some surprise on Joanie's face but I couldn't read anything else. It made me more than a little nervous and I regretted not being more detailed in certain explanations of things in the past.

After a while the conversation started to die out and we all decided it was time to break up our little party. I helped carry Theresa's presents to the car while Kid carried the child, careful not to wake her. Goodbyes were said and there was the knowledge in them of the uncertainty of our futures. Soon Joanie and I were walking back to my place. I put an arm around her shoulders and she stiffened. That hurt but I figured I had it coming. We got back to the garage and she started to head for her car.

"Joanie," I said, "It's late and the roads are bad and for all the things a 'Vette is made for, driving on snow and ice ain't one of 'em. Please stay. I know you're mad at me and I deserve it."

She looked up at me and for the first time I saw the tears sliding down her cheeks.

"Damn right you deserve it," she said and I was taken aback a little. It was a mild swear for sure but I don't think at that time I had ever heard her curse ever. It just wasn't her style. "You never thought to tell me that little story before?"

I reached for her and she flinched away. It hurt and I reverted to the jerk I become when I'm hurt.

"You knew I'd been to juvie and reform school," I spat, "What the hell did you think? I told you I have a sheet; did you think it was all for sneaking smokes or breaking curfew?"

She had no answer and just started stalking toward the 'Vette again. I had to stop her. The roads were bad for even a driver who wasn't tired and crying and mad as hell at her boyfriend, if I was even still that.

"Joanie, please," I said as gently as I could, "Don't drive now. If you won't stay with me, go to Emma's. You can tell her I screwed up. Tell her you hate me, I don't care. Just please, don't drive right now."

She stopped walking toward the car and I felt a little relief. Joanie just stood still for a minute like she was thinking about what I said and weighing her options. Finally she turned and started toward the building. I could see the determination on her face and the anger and something else-fear. It hadn't dawned on me before then but she was scared of me. I mean, it made sense after what she'd heard but I just never thought it would be her reaction. I followed a little distance behind and watched from the stairs as she used the key I'd given her to open my door. I think I half expected to see it slam shut behind her and I wasn't sure what I'd do then. I did have a key; it was my apartment after all. But if she slammed the door shut, I wouldn't know if I ought to follow her. But the door didn't shut. I went in.

"Close the door," she said and I could tell she was forcing her voice not to waver. She was still scared and I could tell that she wasn't real sure about being in a closed room with me. I wasn't sure I blamed her. I did what I was told though. I started walking toward her.

"Stay where you are," she said and the panic hit her voice then. I winced at that tone.

"Joanie," I started but she cut me off.

"Just shut up," she said, "I've seen you angry and I know you could be scary if you wanted to but I chalked it up to a façade you had to put on. I told myself over and over that how you dressed and where you lived said nothing of the man you are. I believed those things. I argued them to my Bubbe! I defended you. I trusted you. I gave myself to you and you can't even be bothered with telling me the truth about who you are."

Her voice was so filled with hurt and anger I couldn't hardly bear it. I wanted to rush to her and hold her tight and promise I'd never deceive her again but I knew she wouldn't have that.

I took a couple steps and sank onto the couch and let my head drop into my hands.

"I was wrong," I said with my usual flair for the obvious, "All the reasons I had for not telling you don't really seem to hold much water now. I am sorry. You know I'd never hurt you, right?"

I still couldn't get over her fear but like most things I was even misunderstanding that.

"You have hurt me, James," she said softly and then the venom crept back into her voice. "Or should I call you 'Wild Bill'? Bill's right, it does seem to fit you better."

I finally figured it out then. She wasn't afraid I was going to pull a knife on her, she was afraid of any other secrets I might be hiding, afraid she'd been with a complete stranger for all this time. She was just looking at me with something that might have bordered on hatred. Lou had been right, this whole thing was depending on me not messing it up and I had gone and done just that.

"I don't even know what to say," I told her, "I can't defend not telling you anymore than I can defend pulling that knife. I was stupid and I know that. I do love you."

"I'm not even sure you know what that means," she said sadly, "I thought you did and I thought you respected me and trusted me. Those things are love, James. You can't say you love me if you don't trust me with the truth, if you don't respect me enough to give me that much. You just can't."

She sat down in a chair across from me and I think it was more that she was just exhausted than her anger softening.

"I do love you," I said, "I'm just not good at it."

This made her laugh. First it was a soft chuckle and then a giggle and then she was nearly falling out of the chair. I didn't understand. I do now 'cause I've seen this since. When someone is real tired and real stressed, the oddest things can seem funny and can start a laughing jag. I wanted to laugh along with her but I was too confused by what I was seeing.

"You have a flair for understatement," she said once she had gotten her breath back a little. "Have you always been this bad at it or is this a new thing?"

"Everything with you is a new thing," I answered, "I been in love before but it was little kid love. You're my first real love, Joanie. I know I make mistakes and some of 'em are real big. I want to make this right. Please tell me I get that chance."

She was quiet for a minute and seemed to be really debating.

"You tell me the real story," she said at last, "Not the Bill Cody adventure tale and while you're at it, fill me in on anything else I'm still in the dark about and before you do that, try to explain to me why you thought you should hide all of this from me anyway."

"Well, contrary to popular belief," I began, "I get scared of things. I know that's shocking but it's true. Truth is that you looked at me like I wasn't some delinquent and I wanted to not be so I thought maybe if you didn't know then it didn't happen. See, you keep saying I'm smarter than I think but really I'm dumber than you think. Right up until I cut another human being, I really thought carrying that knife and even pulling it was a good idea. I thought if you knew I was capable of such a thing that you'd hate me. I know you hate violence. I can't change that I did it or anything else I did. I stole and beat people up. I don't like who I was then and I thought I was someone different now but I'm still just a scared kid trying to get things I don't deserve by lying and, and…"

I couldn't even think of what else to say and I hadn't even noticed that Joanie had slid off the chair and walked on her knees to me. I was looking at the floor too ashamed to even try to face her. She knelt between my knees and took my face in her hands and dipped her head to look me in the eye.

"You know it's infuriating how you don't let me stay mad at you," she said with a tender smile. "I can't quite forgive you yet though. I need you to promise me something first."

I would have promised absolutely anything whether I could do it or not.

"You can't keep things from me anymore, no secrets."

I know the look on my face wasn't entirely encouraging because I did have secrets and she'd know them in time but I couldn't tell her just yet.

"What about surprises?" I asked.

"I like surprises but only the happy ones," she said after a moment's thought.

"Then I promise," I said and I meant it. I never did keep another secret from her aside from happy surprises. In fact I decided I couldn't leave a particular secret untold. I knew I was taking a chance telling but she had gotten past me stabbing another person and going to juvie for it.

"Joanie," I began and her smile started to fade a little when she saw the somber look on my face. "I have a confession and I know you're not going to like it but it seemed the right thing to do and I'm glad I did it even though you'll probably be upset with me."

"You'd better spit this out, James," she said, "You're starting to scare me."

I took a breath and told her of my meeting with her father. I saw her lips thin as I knew they would but she heard me out.

"You asked his permission?" she asked and I could tell it took a lot to keep her voice at a civil level. "You asked his permission?"

"I knew you'd hate it but it was something I had to do for me," I tried explaining. "And I was more asking for a blessing than permission. That's different."

"Exactly how is it different, James?" she asked, "Explain because it sounds like you're just playing semantics with me."

"I don't even know what that means but it sounds like something you'd be way better at than me," I began and I since have learned what semantics means and she is way better at it than I am. I don't recommend anyone going against her in that fashion. "Permission means well, permission. Whether he would allow me to date you or court you or someday, maybe marry you but blessing means that he'd be happy about it and that it wouldn't cause problems in your family. I don't think you understand sometimes how lucky you are to have that family that loves you so much. I didn't want to take that from you or cause problems. And I got to understand your dad better. I think we've gotten to be decent friends even."

"When was I going to get a say in the planning of my life?" she asked and she was still pretty ticked off at me. I thought maybe bonding with her dad would soften her up a bit but I think it made her madder thinking we were conspiring or something.

"Every time you agree to go somewhere with me," I said, "And every time you stay over with me and every time you sit on the roof holding my hand and maybe someday when the time is right you'll say yes when I ask you to marry me. That's all you and your choice."

She thought for a minute and then smiled. I'm pretty sure I said the right thing though I don't know how I managed it at all.

"I'm still a little mad at you, you know," she said.

"I know."

Then she leaned up and kissed me and I knew that she wasn't that mad and she'd get over it and somehow we were still going to be okay.

* * *

><p><strong>So I started writing this chapter and hated it...I was pretty sure it was total crap and going nowhere and doing nothing for the story but then it sort of gained steam and I think it turned out alright...so you guys will have to let me know what you all think. <strong>

**So I was watching yet another folk music thing on PBS because I love PBS and folk music and the Spartans had already kicked hiney so it seemed a good time to chill to some groovy hippy music. Ended up crying all the way through Peter, Paul and Mary's "Don't Let the Light Go Out" which is an amazing Chanukkah song and then like two song later they played "We Shall Overcome" and I cried again. I am such a little girl today. But I think part of it is knowing what's in store for some of the characters. I know one of my faithful has already figured that things might end up very difficult for one of our dear "riders" seems almost silly to call them that in this piece since they aren't riding anything at all but I guess they still are. I don't know how many of you have picked up on all the things that might be in store for everyone in the story. This will span at least all of the '60's and probably into the '70's before skipping along toward modern day where Jimmy is telling the story from. I know how it ends and most of what will transpire but not everything just yet. What I do know, there will be some chapters much harder to write and even for you all to read than others. I dread them but I am glad there was this nice time together for them all.-J**


	20. Chapter 20

"How did this tradition get started?" Joanie asked as she was helping me hang shiny glass balls on the sad little tree in my apartment.

"I have no idea," I told her honestly. "There must be some things in Judaism that you don't know how they got started."

"A few," she admitted, "It is sort of pretty though."

I nodded. It wasn't my first Christmas at my own place but it was the first time I had bought a tree. I don't know why I hadn't before; it just didn't seem to matter. I wasn't going to do it that year either but Joanie asked why I didn't have one. Emma did and she could see Al had one. So we went out and found a tree lot and got a tree and a few decorations. It was sort of pretty.

"There," she said after hanging the last ornament. "That's done."

She turned to me with her hands on her hips.

"What's next?"

"Well, it's Christmas Eve so all the Christmas Eve stuff," I said and then realized that when you haven't been raised with the Christmas Eve traditions, you might not know what those are. I decided that this might be a whole lot of fun. "Well, tonight we're going to have to leave cookies and milk out for Santa."

"I'm not eight you know," she said, "You can fool Theresa but I know there's no Santa Claus."

"Maybe," I said, "But you've never had Christmas before and you need to get the whole experience. You made me sit and get my butt kicked at dreidel by your sister."

She sighed and then laughed a little at me.

"Okay, I'm on board," she said holding up her hands as if in surrender. "We need cookies? I can make cookies."

"I can assist," I said, "But I think we need to go to the store."

So we headed down to the grocery where Ike worked and Joanie set to assembling what she would need for cookies and I went and asked Ike for something a little special. Joanie came to the counter just as I was stuffing the other thing into my coat. Once we were home, I stuffed it under a couch cushion. Joanie headed straight for the kitchen and I followed her ready to take orders. When we were done, we had a big platter of decorated cookies. I was surprised that I actually had fun helping her.

We spent a nice quiet evening just watching a little TV and snuggling on the davenport.

"You know Santa Claus doesn't come until you're asleep," I said.

"An obvious ploy to get gentile children to behave at bedtime," she replied, "And as I am neither gentile nor a child, I think it won't work."

I smiled at her and I could certainly attest that she was not a child.

"I do have a question though?" she asked and I looked to her. "What do you do with the plate of cookies and glass of milk?"

"The parents get it all," I said and she looked appreciative of that tradition. She got up and changed into her pajamas and then snuggled back with me. I smiled to myself at how she no longer slipped off to the bathroom to change her clothes when it was just the two of us.

I felt Joanie yawn against me and I knew it was time for the other thing I had picked up when we went to the store. I reached under the cushion and pulled out a little copy of "'Twas the Night Before Christmas". When I was younger and my dad wasn't too drunk, he'd read that poem to me before bed on Christmas Eve. Those were the only good memories I had of my old man.

"What's that?" Joanie asked all drowsy.

"Traditional Christmas Eve poem," I said and I began reading to her. I can read and I'm not too bad at it either but I never was confident reading out loud. If Joanie noticed that, she didn't say anything.

"Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good night," I finished the little story and looked to see Joanie's reaction.

"That was delightful," she said, "I think I liked that as much as all the songs the others were singing at the party."

We got up and I pulled out the bed.

"You know," I said, "It might be time to think about getting a real place. Maybe then the couch can just be a couch and then maybe I could get a real bed too."

I looked at Joanie and couldn't make out her look at all.

"What?" I asked kind of defensive. "You didn't think I wanted to live in a room over a garage for the rest of my life, did you?"

"I just never heard you talk about moving before," she said, "It is because of me? Because I don't care."

"Would it be such a bad thing to make me want to better my life a little bit?" I asked not getting her point at all.

"I just don't want you to think you have to change yourself for me. I already love you," she said.

"It's not about you loving me," I said, "I know you do. I don't know why but I know you do. And there might have been a time when it was about where you came from and what you was used to but I know you better than that now. It's more about wanting to make love to my girlfriend someday without fear the bed will get sucked back into the couch. And it's a little about wanting to have a real place for you. You're here quite a bit and I love that but if I had a real place with rooms and all that, you could even leave some things at my place and it would be easier."

We crawled into bed while she thought it over and I pulled her to me just loving feeling her body pressed to mine. She looked as though she might speak but then she just kissed me deep. It was the kind of kiss that left a man breathless and with all sorts of things stirring inside.

"What was that for?" I asked.

"I need a reason to kiss my boyfriend?" she asked.

"No you don't need one," I said, "But I know you have one, for kissing me like that anyway."

"I just really love you," she said. "I need you to understand."

"I know you love me," I said but she cut me off with another kiss.

"But you don't understand why," she finished with a sigh. "Honestly James, you might be the most frustrating person I have ever met. The way you talk about me like I am something above just a person, like I am so much better than anyone else, better than you. The real question is what you see in me. You know all the girls in my dorm are in love with you and I know they look at me and wonder how this happened. I even overheard one girl saying I must be good in bed or something and that I probably slept with you just to keep you or maybe even to get you in the first place."

"That isn't why you did, is it?" I asked, "Sleep with me I mean."

"No," she answered, "That's the strangest thing, I've never felt for a second that I might lose you really and I never felt any pressure to have sex."

"Well," I began, "You are really good in bed for what that's worth. I think you're beautiful for one thing. And I guess I dig smart girls. Those girls are just jealous because you have what they think they want. Lou used to hear all the same things in high school once she and Kid got together. Even you should be able to see they're perfect for each other."

That seemed to satisfy her and that was good because when all you have to argue with is the truth, you're pretty well screwed if that's not enough to convince someone of something. Next thing I knew and Joanie was kissing me again and rubbing against me and I can tell you she wasn't wearing those pajamas for very much longer.

Much later when we were just laying there holding on to each other Joanie whispered, "I love you."

"So I gathered," I said with a small laugh. "I love you too, beautiful."

I woke the next morning to breakfast smells and looked to see Joanie standing over a skillet flipping pancakes. I got up, pulled on a pair of pants and came up behind her kissing her on the neck.

"Merry Christmas," I whispered in her ear.

She smiled and said, "Merry Christmas to you too. Are pancakes okay for Christmas morning?"

"They're perfect though I don't think I ever got breakfast before presents in my life."

"Did I do it wrong?" she asked like she was worried.

"Nope," I said, "Just different and maybe better because I'm surely hungry."

We ate and opened presents and we had agreed on not doing much in the way of gifts to each other but I had seen one thing I had to get her and I decided since I hadn't gotten her a Chanukkah present that it was alright to get her one a little late. I handed her the small box and she eyed me suspiciously. I think she thought for a moment I was dumb enough to try to give her an engagement ring or something. I admit, I would have loved to have put a ring on her finger even if the actual wedding date was years off just to mark my turf but I knew better. She opened the box and a smile spread across her face that she tried to turn into a stern look.

"James," she said trying to sound like she was scolding me. "We agreed we wouldn't give big gifts."

"It's not big, Joanie," I argued, "See how small a box it fit in? And besides, I didn't get you anything for Chanukkah."

She held up the fine gold chain and looked at the six-pointed star dangling from it and allowed the smile once again.

"It is lovely," she said at last and lifted her hair so I could fasten it around her neck. Maybe some people would think it strange to give someone a star of David for Christmas but I think you find gifts for people that will mean the most to them and it doesn't matter if someone else thinks it makes sense or not. Besides, I could always argue that it was a belated Chanukkah present. I know she always kept that star with her, even at times when she couldn't actually wear it, it was never far. But I am getting ahead of myself again.

The day was a lazy sort of day as a good Christmas day often is once you get past the flurry of Christmas morning. We walked over to Emma's and Joanie helped her finish up dinner while Al and I visited. Lou and Kid were spending the day at home with just their little family of three and a half. I missed seeing Kid that day but I understood that Lou needed to just spend some time with her husband. They knew where he'd be stationed and that they weren't going to be separated anymore but still, sometimes a husband and wife just need to spend time alone and sometimes a family just needs to work a little on building that foundation that will hold them up when things threaten to crash down. It's not like they ever needed to worry if we'd be there for them. Buck and Carol were at her parents' house. I guess her folks decided Buck wasn't a bad guy after all and that Carol wasn't a loose woman. And she wasn't, I'll tell you. She was a good girl and they were deep in love. I also think her folks didn't want to miss out on time with their grandchild. I understood their initial reaction a little, I guess but for their sakes, I'm glad they came around. Grandkids are about the greatest thing ever. I read a little joke thing one day said, "If I knew how much fun grandchildren are, I'd have had them first." Grandkids are all of the fun of kids but none of the work. It's pretty ideal. Ike and Annie were hosting her parents and his plus his sister. That's kind of how holidays get when people get older, they have to divide time. It made it all the more precious that we'd had that party a few days before.

That night Joanie and I just sat in my apartment in near darkness just looking at the lights on the little Christmas tree.

"Thank you," she said out of nowhere.

"What did I do?" I asked.

"Thank you for sharing Christmas with me," she said, "And your family-your friends-and just for everything. Thank you for always coming to my rescue and never thinking I'm just some crazy person-even though I might well be. Just thank you."

"I get plenty in return," I said and I heard her slightly embarrassed giggle.

"Now that's not what I'm talking about," I said, "At least it's not all I'm talking about. I get to learn all about Chanukkah and learn new languages. You showed me I don't have to just be what everyone thinks I'll be because of what I was. Since I've been with you, I have been to prom and art museums and a cabin in the woods. And I know what it feels like to have someone love me. I wasn't sure I'd ever get to know that."

"But Emma loves you and Lou and Kid and even Al, though I know he might not say it out loud."

"That's not really the same," I said, "It's a different love and besides, we're all kind of stuck here together. We either have to stick together or be alone."

She pondered it with a smile for a bit. I think neither one of us ever thought we could be for anyone what we were for each other. It's a good feeling. Reading something one day I came across a quote and I can't recall for the life of me who said it but it went something like this, "To the world you are one person but to one person you might be the world". When you find that person, or people as the case may be sometimes, it feels really good.

"So," she started, "I know what people might have thought you would be but what is it that you want to be? I mean, in your wildest dreams, what does James Hickok become?"

I thought a bit because I don't think it ever occurred to me to wonder it before. I spent so long just expecting to be some aging delinquent content to work at a garage and maybe, if I played my cards right, someday I might have my own shop. I never thought about what I might be if I came from somewhere else or had different folks or hadn't stabbed a guy.

"I don't think I ever allowed myself those kind of dreams, the wild ones that is," I said.

"Oh, don't be silly," she said, "Maybe as you got older you stopped but what did you dream of as a little boy? Really think, when you were say six years old, what did you want most of all?"

"I think it was a tie between a puppy, a house with a backyard and to kill my dad."

"Do you still want any of those things?" she asked like I hadn't just confessed to wanting to do away with my own father.

"The house," I said, "I really would like a house with a yard. I don't even think I'd mind mowing it. I think that's why I like the roof; it's almost like having a yard. A dog might be nice too. I don't care much about my old man anymore. I can't say I like him a whole lot but when I wanted to kill him, it was 'cause he was hurting me and my mom. She came to be as bad as he was in time and neither one of 'em can hurt me anymore."

Her hand went up to trace around my face. I know it hurt her to think of how they were to me. I know it because I know how it would hurt to think of anyone being cruel to her. I could see tears threatening to spill out of her eyes and it made me mad at my folks once again for making any situation where she would want to cry.

She finally just pulled my head to her and cradled it against her chest and then she did cry. I wanted to comfort her, to tell her that it was okay now and I was okay and that she made things okay. But I couldn't. I couldn't speak at all, it seemed. It was probably because I was crying too and it felt damned good to just be held and be safe and to know that I'd never fear harm from this woman.

There's a lot of talk nowadays about a person's inner child and most of it sounds kind of whiny to me but when you're hurt as a kid, there is a little bit of you that kind of sticks there and it is almost like there is this little kid just crying for love or comfort or something. It also sort of skews your view of love and trust when the people you should be able to trust without question, hell the one's you don't have a choice but to trust, betray that trust. I knew Al and Emma loved me like I was a son to each of them but being a son to someone doesn't mean they won't hurt you. It means they shouldn't but it don't mean they won't. I can testify to that. I know I was slow to trust Joanie and I never had real reasons to doubt her but it was still hard to trust anything. That night though, I got the best Christmas present I think I ever got. I learned to trust in someone. Honestly I think it was the power of that knowledge that I wouldn't be hurt anymore, that I had one person to trust in the world, I think it was that more than the pain of the past that had me crying so hard. We didn't even unfold the bed that night. We just sat there on the davenport with her holding me and both of us crying until we were all worn out and fell asleep.

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><p><strong>Um...yeah...I don't even know where to begin with this chapter...to talk about it anyway. I hope it just sort of speaks for itself. I do wonder what Jimmy wants to be when he grows up or what he wanted to be when he was little. And I wonder what he will be...Like I say a lot, I know a good deal of this story but not nearly all of it. <strong>

**I do want to say that if you are engaged in certain (ahem) activities on a sofa bed, you have to be very careful about weight distribution lest the bed start folding you into the couch. Just saying...**

**So this weekend was like the best sports weekend a Detroit fan/Michigander could ever have. Spartans beat CMU, Wolverines beat SDSU, Tigers split the series with Baltimore and worked a little more toward homefield advantage to start the playoffs. Lions were down 20-0 at the half against a team they hadn't beaten on the road in literally over a decade and they came back in the second half and won the game in Overtime. Red Wings in preseason won their game against Chicago (Yucky! Booooo Blackhawks!) in a shoot out. Very good times.**

**Well, please let me know what you think of this chapter. And I don't always offer this because there isn't always room in a story for it but if there are things you would maybe like to see, let me know. There are things that are for sure happening but there is a lot of time and space to cover and not everything is mapped out. Oh and Noah will be here eventually. I promise. He serves a great purpose in this tale. I wouldn't expect to see Rachel though because I don't have the space for her. Though there might be Jesse...not sure...he might be useful. Anyways, let me know what you think, good or bad and I do love you all for reading along and taking these journeys with me.-J**


	21. Chapter 21

It was New Year's Eve and my turn to be nervous and worried.

"A tux, Joanie?" I whined, "Do I really have to?"

"Yes," she laughed, "It says 'black tie' on the invitation."

"That's what that means?"

She nodded and went to work untangling the mess I had made of that tie and tying it properly. She straightened it and patted at it lightly and then pushed onto her toes to kiss me.

"I don't think you appreciate how very handsome you look in this tuxedo, James," she said, "In fact, if we don't get out of here now, we might not ever."

Then she shot me that mischievous grin and I didn't want to leave at all. I might have told her that too but her folks were going to be at this party and I didn't really want to ever have to explain to Mr. Cohen that we missed the party because I was too caught up in having sex with his daughter.

"Do you even have the slightest idea what you do to me sometimes?" I asked as I got her coat and helped her into it.

"Yes," she said and I think that was even worse. That playful side of her could turn me on like almost nothing else.

But, like I said, we needed to actually show for this party. I guess I could only hope she'd still be playful when we got back home. Even she had started calling my little apartment home. I mean she still lived with her folks though mostly at the dorm but I think it just felt more like home when we were together no matter where that happened to be. It probably didn't hurt that most weekends she came to my place instead of staying at school or going to her house. People for the most part didn't shack up then but it was known to happen and it got more common the closer we got to the summer of love but we wasn't living in sin anymore by that time. Though I never thought there was anything too sinful about anything we did. It always made me wonder about people. They'd have a problem with two people living together and loving each other and treating each other right just 'cause they aren't married but no problem with my folks 'cause they were married. Now, there was no way that the way my folks lived was anything but sinful but it wasn't considered living in sin. They cursed at each other and beat on each other and that seems a whole lot more wrong than anything Joanie or I did. I'll never figure it out.

We drove out to the country club in Bloomfield Hills and let me tell you, that place was a little intimidating for me. Even a city kid like me knew what a country club was and that you had to be rich and fairly powerful to get in. There was valet parking. I had only ever heard of that before but there I was handing my keys to some guy knowing that with my background, if not for Joanie, I couldn't even get his job parking these cars. But I was with Joanie and I wasn't parking the cars or serving the drinks, I was an invited guest, or at least I was the 'plus one' to an invited guest.

A part of me was scared as we walked in half thinking that everyone would be able to take one look at me and know what I was and where I was from and would all point and boot me out the door. I knew I was being silly but I really feared it. Judy saw us first though and ran straight for us as fast as she could what with it being the first time she'd been allowed to wear high heels. They weren't real high but they weren't little flat shoes either and she had to be a little careful.

"I thought you guys were never going to get here," she said.

"Hey short stuff," I said, "Your sister had to help me with my tie. I guess I'm kind of hopeless."

"Between your tie and my hair," Joanie laughed, "I wasn't sure we'd make it at all."

Judy looked at us like it was a likely story. That kid knew more than I thought a girl her age ought to. I only learned while raising my own that girls learn all the same things boys do and at the same times. Joanie caught the look her sister gave too.

"It wasn't like that, you little pest," she said, "And keep your suspicions from mom and daddy."

"Oh come on, Joanie," Judy sighed, "I wouldn't say anything and even if I did, I don't think it would surprise them. They aren't that stupid after all."

Well, that wasn't a comfortable thought for me but I guessed she probably was right. Sure most of the time Joanie's folks thought she was spending weekends at her dorm but at least some of the time they had to figure that she was with me. They were both intelligent people and they had been young and in love once. It couldn't have been an easy knowledge for them, Mr. Cohen especially, but he never let on. I understood years later. Just because you know something like that doesn't mean you need to talk about it. Some things can just be left alone and the status of your daughter's sex life is pretty high on that list.

There was a dinner served of things I mostly couldn't pronounce. I think the names of the dishes were in French or something. French cooking was all the rage back then 'cause of Julia Child. It was all really good even though Joanie had to explain to me what I was eating. She didn't speak fluent French or anything but she took a little in high school.

Once the dancing started, I took to the floor with Joanie and it felt good to be on the dance floor with someone so beautiful. She was wearing some dress you'd expect to see at prom or something. We danced a couple of songs before there was a tap on Joanie's shoulder and she turned around kind of confused and then her eyes flew open in surprise.

"Aaron, oh my God!" she exclaimed, "What a surprise!" Then she turned to me.

"James, this is one of my oldest friends, Aaron Shapiro, his dad is one of my dad's partners. Aaron, this is my boyfriend, James Hickok."

I shook his hand and felt that stab of jealousy and insecurity. He was a handsome guy and his dad was a lawyer like hers.

"It's good to see you again, Joanie," this new guy said, "Ann Arbor seems to be treating you well."

"Yeah," she said, "I love it there. How's Boston?"

"Well, you know I'm not actually in Boston," he said with a smile that I had to like and I think it was mostly because there was nothing in it that said he wanted to try to steal my girl. It was a smile like friends share, very much like a smile I would give Lou. "But I like it there. It's harder than I thought it would be to be that far away from home. I envy you sometimes being so close to your family but I had the legacy to think of."

"Oh you know your dad would have let you out of that," she said, "You wanted that Harvard crest on the parchment as bad as he did."

He looked at his feet in an admission she was right.

"James," Aaron said to me, "Would it be too much to ask to dance with your date?"

Well, I appreciated him asking but I knew better than to directly answer that.

"That's not my decision," I said and I could see from Joanie's eyes that I found the right answer. "But I think I see a lovely young lady just waiting for someone to ask her to dance."

I nodded over to our table where poor Judy was all alone. Mr. and Mrs. Cohen were dancing together and most boys Judy's age won't ask a girl to dance without their mother prodding them all the way. I think Joanie wanted to dance with Aaron and have a chance to catch up and I knew he was no threat. I walked over to Judy.

"Well now," I said, "How is a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?"

She looked up at me but didn't say anything.

"I don't suppose you'd do me the honor of a dance?" I asked holding out a hand to her.

"Wouldn't you rather dance with my sister?" she asked.

"Oh she's got a dance partner," I answered, "Some old friend."

Judy looked and saw I was telling the truth and then she got up and took my hand.

"Oh Aaron," she said, "He's alright."

"Yeah he seems a nice enough guy," I said leading Judy to the dance floor.

"Oh he is," Judy agreed, "I think dad and Mr. Shapiro would have liked for them to get together but it never happened. It isn't hard to see why now."

I just looked down at her wondering what she meant.

"Honestly, are you blind?" she asked me, "He's glad enough to catch up with an old friend but he'd rather dance with you."

I just stared at her.

"You know not all boys like girls," she said in a tone like I was still in grade school. Anyone else and I would have really resented that tone but Judy could always get away with it. "And not all girls like boys."

"I do know that," I shot back, "Really, he's like that?"

I had heard of homosexuals but I didn't know any name that nice for them at that time.

"Yeah," she said, "Joanie told me. I guess he told her but I don't think too many other people know. I didn't believe her at first but he's keeping at least one eye on you all the time. I know that look too. It's the same way you look at her."

I won't lie, that made me feel really uncomfortable. I learned to get used to it because Aaron was such a good friend of Joanie's. I knew that he would never make any sort of move on me. And now I know that gay men really have no interest in trying to hit on straight men. It usually puts them in too much danger of getting their asses kicked and that's just not something they're ever going for. Hell they get beat up too often for just being and not even trying to hit on anyone.

"You didn't have to ask me to dance," Judy said, "I know I'm just your girlfriend's annoying little sister."

"I know I didn't have to," I told her, "I actually wanted to. And you're not just her kid sister. You're a pretty neat kid. If I was a few years younger…"

"Really?" she asked.

"Yeah really," I said, "You're a pretty girl. Some guy will figure that out someday."

I was right too. In fact he was in that room that very night and he was noticing though I think it took him another two years to get the nerve up to talk to her and ask her out.

Before the big countdown at midnight, I got my girl back and I danced a couple more times with Judy and even once or twice with Mrs. Cohen. I really had a lot of fun that night. Finally it was almost time to ring in 1961 and once it was officially time to turn the calendar, I leaned to Joanie for a kiss. I expected a little peck but she had very different ideas of a New Year's kiss. I liked her ideas better. The party went on for a while after that but Mr. and Mrs. Cohen wanted to get Judy home and Joanie and I had a bit of a drive. We all said our goodbyes with hugs and kisses. Mr. Cohen even pulled me into a hug.

"You be good to my baby girl now," he said quietly to me. I nodded and I think I felt a little ashamed for some of how I took care of her and how much he certainly knew. It wasn't said out loud but they knew I wasn't taking her to a friend's house or even Emma's. But then I think they knew she was on the pill and I furthermore think they knew why she was taking it. But it was a changing world for as innocent as things still seemed. Joanie once took me to see "Fiddler on the Roof" and I sometimes felt like Mr. Cohen was like Tevye. He liked his traditions and the way he'd been raised but he saw that not everything was bad about the changes to come and tried to embrace them for the happiness of his daughters.

Joanie and I set out for home and it was one of the first times I felt guilty about it. I know she said she didn't care where I lived but if it was her home too then it needed to be better than a crappy room over a garage. It was quiet for a while before Joanie spoke up.

"I wanted to thank you," she said, "For not being upset about Aaron wanting to dance with me."

"You're allowed friends, Joanie," I said, "You're never upset when I hug Lou. And there was something in the way he acted toward you that made me think he wasn't trying to compete with me. Judy confirmed it for me. She told me he never was interested in you."

"No," she said, "He never was. I think at one time I kind of wanted him to be. He wasn't like other guys and he treated me different and he wasn't always leering at me or staring at my breasts. I got them early and most guys quit looking me in the eye when they talked to me but not Aaron."

"I guess that makes sense," I said.

"You figured that out then?" she asked.

"Judy filled me in," I told her.

"Well, thank you anyway. He means a great deal to me and I worry about him. Some people can be so cruel."

I just nodded. I know how cruel people can be and I know at times I was just as cruel. I knew my cruelty was from ignorance and I guessed a lot of everyone else's was too but that still don't make it right.

"So he's at Harvard, huh?" I asked trying to find a lighter subject. "He must be pretty smart."

"He is," she agreed, "But he got in at least partly because his dad went there."

"He going to be a lawyer like his dad?"

She shook her head and said, "Doctor."

It was quiet a while and then she spoke.

"So, do you have any resolutions this year?"

I thought a bit and I knew there was a big one that was still a surprise in the making so I couldn't tell her that but there were some things I wanted to do in the coming year.

"Well," I began, "I want a new place so I guess that's something. And I thought maybe I'd see about taking some classes or something. Maybe even try to learn something this go around."

Her head snapped up at that.

"You want to take classes?" she asked trying to believe it. "I thought you hated school."

"I hated high school," I said. "There's other kinds of school. I could get my diploma or at least something close to it and maybe even go to college someday like you."

"I think that's wonderful," she said.

"How about you?" I asked, "Any resolutions?"

"Nothing big," she answered, "I want to make the Dean's List next semester. I came so close this last time. And I'm thinking of doing some volunteer work. I don't know what but I decided I talk a real good game but I haven't acted on anything I've said. It's time to get out and do some of the work that will bring about the changes that need to come."

I was so proud of her. I always was. She was willing to put her money where her mouth was so to speak and that is an example I am proud to say my kids picked up on. But Joanie wasn't done resolving things.

"And I want to try to not be such a crazy person."

It was so soft I had to have her repeat it.

"I want to be less crazy," she said.

"Joanie," I told her, "You're not crazy."

"Sure say that now that the black eye has faded," she said, "Normal people don't act like I do."

"So you have trouble with stress," I said, "I can handle it and maybe in time it will get better. But please don't call yourself crazy."

"What did I ever do to deserve you?" she asked.

I couldn't help laughing.

"You mean what did you do to deserve a high school dropout car mechanic with a criminal record?"

"You don't have a record," she said.

"What?"

"I asked Daddy about it," she said like it was no big deal. "He said that if you were a juvenile then the record went away once you turned eighteen. You don't have a record."

"Really?"

"Didn't anyone ever tell you that?" she asked.

I shook my head. All that talk of permanent records they threaten you with when you're a kid is just a load of BS. I really felt like a weight had been lifted from me. Joanie scooched closer and rode the rest of the way home snuggled up to my side.

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><p><strong>Hello again...yeah so I really don't have anything much to say about this. Just seeing what you all might think...so, yeah, let me know and stuff. Still love you all.-J<strong>


	22. Chapter 22

I accomplished my first resolution in January which is better than most folks I think and probably better than I've done most years since. It wasn't a lavish apartment but the bedroom was separate from the living room and the kitchen was too. There was even room for a kitchen table we could eat at. I got a little chest of drawers and my stuff only took half of it so Joanie had the other half. Oh, you should have seen her eyes when I showed her that. You would have thought I had given her the crown jewels. It's funny how you know something is heading in a certain direction but each step you take toward it still seems exciting.

My other resolutions were taking longer but I did start taking a couple of classes to get me ready to take the G.E.D. tests. Once I could pass those, there were a lot of things that might be open to me. I got to looking at things and I knew I didn't have the skills to ever run my own business which I thought at the time might be something I wanted to do. More than those things though, I could see Joanie was proud of me. She might have said that she didn't care about my education and it might even have been true but she was proud of me trying to make myself better.

Joanie set to work on her own resolutions too. She was studying like I'd never seen before to get that Dean's list position. She still came home to me most weekends but she spent a good part of them studying but then I was studying too. Studying was sure something new to me and I wasn't even sure how to do it but Joanie helped me figure something that worked for me.

Lou and Kid left right after New Year's so they could get settled before school got in session for Theresa. They stopped by Al's on the way out of town. Poor Lou was doing everything she could not to cry. Theresa ran up to me first.

"I'll miss you, Uncle Jimmy," she said and buried her little head in my neck when I picked her up.

"I know you will, honey," I said, "I'm going to miss you too. But you're going to write to me, right?"

She nodded.

"And I'm going to try to get better about writing people and send you a letter now and then too."

"Promise?" she asked.

"Yeah, I promise," I said.

I put the girl down and turned my attention to Kid and Lou. Lou's lip was quivering and her eyes were moist and Kid was just looking at the ground.

"I'll be waiting on that call in March, you know," I said to Lou.

She wrapped her arms around my neck and hugged me tight and started crying.

"I don't know if I can do this," she whispered to me so Kid wouldn't hear.

"Lou if there's anyone in the world who is strong enough for this, it's you," I assured her. "There's a lot weaker women than you managing it. You just take care of him now."

"I will," she choked out between her tears.

I let go of Lou and walked to the man who'd stood by me when there was literally no one else in the world who gave a damn. Hell anything I'd ever had to tell Joanie or ever would, it seemed, Kid already knew. Aside from Joanie, he was the only other person that had ever seen me cry. Others might have seen me get a little misty but that's not quite the same thing at all. Now, I'll sit here and tell you that there's more folks that I even know who have seen me break down. I've done a lot more crying as things went on and I've cared less and less who knew. I didn't know it at that tender age but my tears didn't make me less a man. But Kid had been there every time my old man knocked me around or my mom locked me out. And I was the same for him. The number of times we had held each other and cried when we was just little kids, well, I'm not sure I can count that high. That's a good friend right there. I've heard people say a real friend is one who when you haven't seen each other in forever, when you are together again it's like you were never apart. I already had seen at that point that it was true for me and Kid but I knew we were going to get a much longer time apart to test that theory. I hated that he wasn't going to be there to take up for me and I wouldn't be where he was to stick up for him too. I didn't have words to tell him any of that so I just pulled him into a hug and felt his arms tighten around me.

"It's going to be weird here without you," I said still trying to sound normal and failing miserably.

"I was already gone once, remember?" he responded.

"Basic's not the same as being stationed somewhere," I told him, "You better watch yourself and don't do anything stupid. Lou needs you."

"It's not like I'm getting deployed, Jimmy."

"Yet," I said, "From the sounds of it, it's only a matter of time before we're sending guys over there. You have to stay alive for that baby."

"I know," he said and sighed heavy. "I'll miss you, man."

"Yeah," I said, "Me too."

I don't think either of us wanted to let go. I know I sure didn't. But we had to. They piled in their car and away they drove. I had a bad feeling in my gut about it and as it turned out there was good reason for that too. I'll get to that eventually. It's not the right place in the story to talk about it and I'm glad of that because I don't really like talking about it. It's still really hard to even think about.

I guess in time I got used to them being gone but it was hard. So often when Joanie and I would sit around in the evenings trying to think of something to do the first thought that would come to me was to call up Kid and Lou and see if they wanted to play some cards. I even said it out loud a couple times before remembering that they weren't there to play cards with and North Carolina's a bit of a trek just for a game of euchre.

Joanie did start doing some volunteer work too. Some of what she did was helping her dad with research. He and his partners did a lot of what they call "pro bono" work which means they work for people who can't pay and they don't ask them to either. Now, it might be true that everyone in this country is entitled to a lawyer and one will be appointed if you can't afford one but there's a difference between an overworked and often less experienced public defender and a man like Jacob Cohen or one of his partners and if I'm honest, I'd rather have the nice law firm in Bloomfield Hills representing me. I doubt any of those public defender guys played golf with any of the judges or the prosecutors like Mr. Cohen did. Things like that make a difference whether they should or not. I guess he also did some of his pro bono work for the ACLU so he could make sure people weren't being denied their rights to things like a place to live or education for their kids or even jobs. Stuff like that is important to folks and I was really proud to know that making sure poor folks had those things was important to Joanie's dad too.

But that was just the start of her work. She got into this community center thing in the city where there were all kinds of activities. Some of them were like story time for little kids but then there were other things like helping people find places that would help them get food if they'd been out of work for a while or helping get them a place to live if they didn't have one. Yeah, we had homeless folks back then too, we just pretended we didn't a lot. She helped teen girls who were pregnant find doctors that would see them for cheap or even free. There's a lot of nice people in the world even if you don't hear about 'em all the time and those people are willing to help others, sometimes it just takes someone in the middle to get them together. I think she got her dad some more clients through that work though he didn't get paid for those clients. He did get some recognition from the Anti-Defamation League, the Urban League and a couple other city organizations as well.

February came and about a week or so into it came little Lisa Cross, Buck and Carol's daughter. Joanie and I went up to visit in the hospital and actually caught them while the baby was in the room with them. Back then it wasn't like it is now. New mothers stayed in for a whole week and the baby spent most of the time in the nursery. I think the longer stay was better because that's a real tough thing to put your body through, giving birth, but sending a new mother home who's never even changed her child's diaper is sort of irresponsible, I think. But Lisa was in the room so we got to see her and hold her. I hadn't ever held a baby before so I was nervous and afraid I'd do it wrong or something. Babies are so tiny and it's easy to be afraid you'll hurt them. I got used to it after a while. To be fair, Buck looked just as nervous about holding her as I felt. Joanie didn't seem nervous at all. She cradled Lisa like a natural.

"She's so beautiful," Joanie said to them smiling. "I think she looks like Buck."

"Poor girl," said Buck chuckling.

"I don't think so," Joanie went on, "I think she's lovely. Just look at all that dark hair."

Then she turned her attention to Lisa.

"You're just a pretty, pretty princess," she cooed, "Yes, you are. And you're the luckiest little princess in all the land too because you have such a nice mommy and daddy."

I have to admit that Lisa was a pretty baby even if I still don't think babies are all that much to look at. They're mostly just bald, wrinkly little blobs. Get 'em a little older when they can at least smile or wave and I'm on board. Lisa was kind of special though. For one thing she was the first baby born in our little group and then, while she did have her dad's dark hair, she somehow got her mom's bright blue eyes. I know a lot of babies have blue or at least bluish eyes when they are born and they change but hers never did. Those eyes are real striking.

Joanie and I got into the elevator to leave the hospital and we were all alone.

"Ask me," she said.

"Ask you what?"

"Ask me to marry you. You've told me time and again that you want to and that you will someday," she said, "Ask me now. I'll say yes."

"That's why I won't ask you right now," I told her and then I had to explain. "I mean, yeah I want you to say yes to me but I know that right now it's not you who'd be saying yes, not all of you anyway. It would only be the part that wants a baby. The part of you that wants your degree and to save the world won't have a say. I love you far too much to take advantage of that. Someday it will be right and I hope to God it's still me you want because I want your babies to be my babies too."

It got quiet in the elevator after that and I put my arm around her shoulders and kissed the top of her head.

"I love you but I can't ask you that right now."

"I want what they have," she said softly into my shirt and I knew she was trying not to cry.

"I know," I said gently, "I do too. We'll have it but we'll have it on our terms."

People talk about how great it is that women have all these options now and the whole "You've come a long way, baby" thing. But no one realizes how hard it is to be one of the pioneers of all that. To see most of the friends you had growing up having these completely different lives than you have. She already had next to nothing in common with her high school girlfriends and guys at that time didn't really want to be friends with girls. There were the girls in the dorms but so many of them were really just looking for a guy and would drop out of school in a heartbeat to get married. They used to call it getting your MRS. You know how there are different initials for different degrees, like BA is Bachelor of Arts and stuff like that. Well a lot of these girls thought if they went to college they'd find some nice up and coming businessman or doctor or lawyer and get married, thus getting their MRS…or really becoming a Mrs. Joanie didn't fit with those girls either. There were a few who were like her. Sherry was in it for the education. Sherry was a pretty girl and I'm sure she got plenty of attention from the guys but she wasn't about to sacrifice everything she worked for to run off and get married. Things were only starting to change back then and I'm proud to say Joanie was one of the ones that made it easier and more acceptable to do the things that women can sort of take for granted now.

Joanie was a little distant for a few days and I knew she was lost in wishing for that life that would make her feel normal and like everything wasn't passing her by. But she got back to her old self fast enough and soon she was doing research for her dad and working at the community center and sitting in my living room studying like a fiend.

One evening she came running into the apartment with a record album under her arm. That's how music used to come you know, on big vinyl discs.

"Jimmy," she said all excited, "You have to come listen to this!"

Now I'll tell you what she played and you go and look it up on the internet and you might think it's a nice tune and you might not but it won't have the same effect on you as it did on us. See, at that point we were listening to Elvis and one of the big hits was The Marcels doing "Blue Moon". There were some real nice songs out then and songs I still like a great deal. Music is allowed to just be fun and feel good sometimes and there ain't nothing wrong with a love song but I don't think it occurred to any of us how music could be used. Well, it didn't to me. Joanie told me once about a ballet that got done in Paris at the beginning of the 20th century that riled people up so much that they rioted. And that was classical music so I guess the revolution comes in all shapes and forms.

Well, Joanie put this record on the player and the first thing I noticed was the woman's voice was beautiful but I had a feeling Joanie wasn't all excited about how pretty this Joan Baez woman sang so I listened a bit more and the story the song wove and it was heartbreaking. I don't know how she managed it but the song was hopeless and powerful at the same time. The song was called "All My Trials" and it wasn't a new song. I guess it was a traditional lullaby somewhere. It just had such a different meaning when you put it in a world like the one we were in where there were still colleges that were segregated and water fountains and Rosa Parks had yet to make her stand for basic dignity. That song spoke things none of the rest of us could find words for. Like I said, you look it up and give it a listen-and you still should-and it won't mean to you what it meant to us. It gave us a whole different way to look at the world and at music. I never quit loving rock and roll, not for a moment but folk music was always a part of who we were and what we listened to. Sometimes those songs just spoke the loudest, you know?

* * *

><p><strong>Howdy strangers! So yeah...Um, the song I referenced is off of Joan Baez's first album which is self titled. It is a beautiful song and was originally a bahamian lullaby. But it ended up being used a lot in the civil rights movement. I'm thinking there's not much more to tell about this installment. As always if there's anything that's not clear or a reference that you don't get, please let me know. <strong>

**I do apologize for the sluggish pace of this update. I kept not liking this chapter and I don't think there was anything specific about it but I just didn't like it. And this week has just about done me in. I've got one kid cutting class and another not doing his work. I actually went to school with the class cutter. I always told my kids (step-kid included) that if I ever caught wind of them cutting classes or skipping school that I'd follow them around all day. so I did. Got some work done on a new book. First one is still in reviewing and revising status. This is a story I've sort of written before but it's a reimagining and a reworking really of a character I created a long time ago who still runs around in my head blabbing stuff to me. I love her but she's driving me batty. So got some work done on that and a little reading done and even crocheted in one class. It seems to have worked as the teacher who usually calls to tell me he wasn't in class and/or he's not doing what he's supposed to just called today and told me he was wonderful in class and very productive and even asked for the work he had missed. Here's hoping. I get it too. He's aspergian (person with Asperger's Syndrome) and social skills do not come naturally. He now has friends and they don't always do what they should. I know he wants to hang out with them but he has to find another time to do it besides when he is supposed to be in American Lit. His teachers are way cool though and I might wander back and sit in on his Physics class anyway just to learn stuff. I never took it in HS and I don't know if I would have appreciated how cool it was then but it was really interesting. **

**So here I am hoping to all that is good and holy that things can go a little smooth for just a little while and that the Red Wings can stop playing like petulent little boys. All preseason the new head of discipline for he league, former Wing Brendan Shanahan, has been doling out suspensions-hefty ones too. And he makes these little videos to explain the infraction and the punishment. He always looks so grouchy like he's Dad and the kids are acting up after he's repeated the rules for the umpteenth time and still they're breaking them and he has to ground them and he's just ticked off. Now it looks like he might have to make one of those for one of my boys. So upset at the lack of maturity in the guys Wed night. But, on a lighter note, Tigers start the playoffs tomorrow (or today depending on your position on the globe) against the Yankees. Go Tigers!-J**


	23. Chapter 23

Now this day I remember like it was yesterday and I know I always will too. It was a Sunday and Joanie was home for the weekend like she was near to every weekend. She was hunched over two or three books and a notebook at the kitchen table and I was stretched out on the couch reading something or another. I don't think I was studying that day, just reading something that looked interesting. It was a relaxed kind of day and the kind I think I loved most of all. We didn't have to be talking or even doing anything specific, we were just both there and it felt right.

Well, on that day our sitting and just being was interrupted by the phone ringing. Joanie was closer and she answered it. I heard a lightness in her voice that said it was someone she knew on the other end.

"James," she called to me, "It's for you."

I went out and took the phone from her and tried to figure out the weird smile on her face.

"Hello?"

"Hey Jimmy, it's Kid."

It sounded like he was crying or maybe laughing but more like crying and I got worried right away.

"Kid," I said trying to keep my voice steady. "It's good to hear your voice. How is everyone?"

"Great," he said but he still sounded strange and it was still sort of scaring me. Then he said, "It's a boy, Jimmy. I have a son."

Now I knew it was close to Lou's due date but somehow I didn't even put it together when he called. I had to sit down. Seeing Buck with Lisa hadn't done this to me but knowing that my best friend, the man I called brother had a son was just a little more than I could comprehend while standing.

"A boy?" I asked and then added, "That's great news. How's Lou?"

"Doctor says she came through great," he said, "I haven't been able to see her yet. They showed him to me though. He's amazing."

It was so strange right then because as much as Kid and I had been through, as tight as we'd been, at that moment I felt like I wasn't talking to my buddy. He was someone's dad now. I don't know why it was different from seeing Buck holding Lisa. Maybe it was because we were talking over the phone with so many miles between us. Maybe it was because we were closer. Buck and I were good friends but I didn't meet him until near to high school and then I was held back so I didn't get to be as close to him as I did with Kid. Hell, Kid was even in my kindergarten class. Maybe it was that I still had that feeling in my gut that I couldn't quite place but was telling me that something bad was going to happen. Maybe I was still mad at him a little for leaving and taking Lou and Theresa with him. I know that's selfish but sometimes people are and I'll admit I'm as capable of it as the next guy. All I knew was this conversation wasn't like any we'd had before and it made me sad that I felt in that moment like I had lost my best friend. I hadn't and I'd come to realize that before things got too, well, you'll see what I mean eventually. I think I covered it pretty well, that sadness I mean. I think I came off sounding mostly like normal.

"This baby get a name or do we call him Kid too?" I asked trying to sound like how I was when I would joke around with him normally. "Or maybe this one is 'Other Kid'."

Kid laughed and it almost was like old times but then not quite.

"Robert," he said, "We're going to call him Bobby though."

We talked a bit more with me telling him that I thought Robert was a good name, and it is. I never could shake that uneasiness and I still to this day can't tell you why I had it. It was quite some time before that feeling in my gut was anything but an unfounded worry. Eventually he had to get off the phone and I told him to give my love to Lou and Theresa and to send pictures when he could.

I hung up the phone and turned to see Joanie standing there expectantly.

"It's a boy," I said, "Robert."

"That's wonderful news," she said, "So why do you look so sad?"

"I'm not sad," I said defensively, "My best friend in the world has a son; there's nothing to be sad about."

Joanie didn't say anything more, just hugged me tight. That was my Joanie. She knew when it was time for words and when it wasn't. Sometimes all anyone needs is to be held and know that they are loved.

A couple weeks later I went out to Ann Arbor in the middle of the week and took Joanie to get some food that didn't come out of a dining hall.

"Joanie," I started, "What's your Hebrew name?"

"Yoana," she said and then something seemed to click in her head. "Wait, how did you even think to ask that? What have you been reading lately?"

"Just the books that Rabbi Morton recommended," I replied kind of nonchalant.

Her brow furrowed and she just sort of studied me for a second.

"Why is my Rabbi giving you reading lists?"

"Remember you said once that you liked surprises?" I asked and she nodded. "Well, I have a surprise for you. I went to see Rabbi Morton and told him that I would like to convert to Judaism. I guess it's been six months or so, maybe a little longer."

"Well, that's a pretty big assumption for you to make, isn't it?" she asked.

"I'll admit," I began, "The thought did cross my mind that converting would remove a few objections your family might have to us maybe someday getting married and that was the reason I started. But I really like it and believe in it. I never had a religious upbringing, never went to church or anything like that. This makes me feel like I have a foundation or something."

I paused and tried to read her features but she was just staring blankly.

"Anyway, there's nothing really required in Reform Judaism as far as ceremony, as I'm sure you know," I went on, "I mean there is a preference for me to be circumcised but I guess you know that happened almost twenty years ago anyway. But Rabbi Morton did tell me I needed to pick a Hebrew name and I wasn't sure where to begin so I thought I'd ask what yours is. Yoana, that's pretty."

"So you're Jewish now?" she asked like she still couldn't believe it and probably she couldn't.

"Yeah, pretty much," I said, "I just have to figure out what this name is supposed to be. How do you figure it anyway?"

"Well," she said and she was still kind of eying me suspiciously. "There's kind of three ways you can go with it. You can either find a name that starts with the same letter and might even be the Hebrew version of your own name. My Hebrew name is the Hebrew version of my secular name and so is Dad's. His name is Yaakov. Judy's sort of is too. Judy is short for Judith and her Hebrew name is Yehudit which is Hebrew for Judith. But you can also just find a name that means the same thing or starts with the same letter."

She sort of paused to make sure I was still following.

"Like if Buck and Carol wanted to give Lisa a Hebrew name," she continued, "Lisa is already a form of Elizabeth so maybe they could go with Elisheva for the same meaning or Leah for something that just sounds similar. Or you can always pick a name you just sort of like. It doesn't have to have anything at all to do with the name. My mom's name is Gladys but her Hebrew name is Esther."

"Is there a wrong way to do it?" I asked. I hadn't had the courage to ask that of Rabbi Morton but it was easier to let Joanie see how scared I was to mess this up. It's not like a Hebrew name is used a whole lot but I knew that when and if we got married, there'd be a Jewish marriage certificate and this name would be on that. And it would be the one my child would use to say who his or her father was. It somehow seemed far more important than the one I got called every day.

"No, you can't really do it wrong," she said trying not to laugh. "There are a few more rules and traditions when you're picking the name for your child but when you pick your own; you have a pretty free reign."

"Is there a Hebrew version of James?" I asked.

"Kind of," she said, "Hamish means the same thing but then there are names that sort of sound the same, like Chaim. That means 'life' which is sort of nice. I've always really liked the name Chaim."

"What does James mean?" I asked. I never really thought of names meaning anything at all. They were sort of just letters bunched together. I mean, I knew of names that were words, like Hope or Faith but that James or Joanie might mean something was a new thought for me.

"He who supplants," she said, "It means to overcome someone usually by force or treachery. Jacob means the same thing so I guess you could be Yaakov too but that might be awkward."

"I think I like Chaim better," I said, "Can I go with that?"

"Chaim ben Avraham, Avinu," she said like she was testing it out. "I like that, what do you think?"

Well, I liked it a lot and I told her so. It felt good to have a place and being a son of Abraham beat the hell out of being the son of the guy who beat the hell out of me. I still had one thing to do before I was official and it wasn't required but it was encouraged and I was willing to do anything that Rabbi Morton recommended. I had already made it through the council thing where they asked me all sorts of stuff. Joanie's family didn't keep strict to kosher but I still had to know what the rules were and things like that. Rabbi Morton said I did really well. I still had to have what they called a mikveh which is a ritual bath. It wasn't required for Reform Jews but I wanted to do everything right. And I'd have to make a speech in temple. I was really nervous about that but I didn't have to worry about it until after the mikveh.

I was walking Joanie back to her dorm and she stopped and turned to me.

"Is this why you were scared to promise me you wouldn't keep secrets?"

"I wanted it to be a surprise and I thought it would make you happy," I said, "Besides, I wasn't ready to tell you about this yet."

"It was a good surprise," she said, "Thank you."

"I think I need to thank you," I argued, "I can't explain what this has been for me but I guess I'll have to in a few weeks."

Her eyes sparkled at me and she said, "Why James, you're scared, aren't you?"

"I wouldn't say scared exactly," I got defensive. "It's more nervous, I think."

She looped her arms around my neck and kissed me then pulled back smiling.

"You'll be fine," she said, "I'll help you."

Before my little speech became an issue I got to experience my first Seder with the Cohen family. I'd had my mikveh by that point so I was as official as I was going to get without being announced in temple some Sabbath. Only Joanie knew though and Bubbe Goldman was glaring at me all through the meal even though I was keeping up with the blessings and the Hebrew even. Joanie was getting upset by it and I could tell. I squeezed her hand under the table to let her know it was fine but she shook her head and stood up.

"James has some news for everyone," she began, "The first Sabbath after Passover, Rabbi Morton will announce this but I thought everyone here would like to know it first."

"Goyisher," Bubbe Goldman muttered under her breath.

I stood up and looked at the old woman.

"Not anymore," I said, "I think the term now is ger tzedek. I won't lie; I came to this originally to make things less complicated for Joanie. I didn't really have a religion before so I figured picking Judaism was as good a pick as any I could choose. Learning the history though has been something more to me. I feel like I belong to something and that I know where I fit in the great scheme of things."

He recovered quickly but for a brief moment the color left Mr. Cohen's face. I know that the reality of how close he was to walking his first born down the aisle just hit him and I felt kind of bad about that. But the smile that came after was genuine. I could have spent hours talking about how much I loved that woman and how I'd take care of her and never let harm come to her but spending that time instead studying her faith and becoming a member said far more than I ever could have. Bubbe Goldman grunted and I could see her trying to think of other things to call me now that I was Jewish.

A couple of weeks later I gave a similar version of that speech to the entire congregation. I was a little nervous but none of those people mattered as much as the ones who already knew me and had heard the speech before so I made my way through it. Joanie was just beaming in pride. I don't think she would have ever required me to convert and she would have still married me in time but it would have been hard on her and I know this meant a lot to her.

Once I got past the conversion, I could focus even more of my studies on my G.E.D. and I did. Until finals came around for Joanie, that is. I knew I had to do something to keep her from having one of her little episodes. So the whole week leading up to the tests and even finals week itself, I brought her home with me and drove her to campus every day before I went to work. It made for some early mornings but she did better. She had one night where she broke down but I was right there and I could hold her calm her down. I know her dorm mother wasn't happy about it but I knew my Joanie and she didn't. The next year, Joanie got herself an apartment off campus and I could stay there without anyone caring one little bit. She still roomed with Sherry but Sherry never cared if I slept over. It's not like I was there for a night of wild and crazy sex or anything. We saved that for my place where there was no roomie to disturb. But her freshman year she had to be at Markley and I couldn't stay with her because of the assumption that any man in the girls' dorm was there to have his merry way with at least one of the girls. At least it wasn't personal; they felt that way about all men. And I knew it couldn't have anything to do with looks. I was changing my style by then. I was almost twenty and it felt time to not dress like a punk kid. I let go of a lot of the height of my pompadour too. Of course it was only a couple years later and it was going to be in fashion for me to get some of that long hair back. Yeah, you have to just love those kids from England.

One day after school let out for the summer and Joanie had some free time so she was down at the garage sitting and talking to me for a while. I know that wasn't real exciting for her and eventually she wandered her way over to Emma's. She knew Carol was over with Lisa and Joanie just couldn't pass a chance to fuss over that baby. Joanie left and almost as soon I saw Al's feet at the side of the car I was working on. I rolled out from under and looked up at him.

"You need something, Al?" I asked.

He turned and headed to his office and motioned for me to follow him. I got up and headed that way.

"Have a seat, son," he said and I did. "I wanted to talk to you about a couple of things."

"Should I be worried?" I asked.

"Not from me," he said, "Hell, I couldn't run this place without you though I get the feeling I'm going to have to someday. You looking at college, Jimmy?"

"I've been thinking about it," I answered, "Not sure where or what I'd study. Probably community college, night classes would work the best."

"Well, that means I get to keep you around for a little while anyway. That girl's good for you, you know that?"

I nodded; he didn't even know the half of it.

"That brings me to the other thing I wanted to talk to you about," he said seriously, "Are you going to marry that girl or just give her a reputation?"

"She won't get married until she graduates," I said, "And I wouldn't want her to either. But yeah, I'm planning on marrying her."

"I ain't seen no ring on her finger," he pointed out.

"I had some things to do before I could even think about getting engaged," I told him, "There was the whole conversion thing and then my G.E.D. Proposing comes next but don't be planning any weddings for soon. It looks to be a long engagement."

"Well, at least you're not planning on letting her get away."

* * *

><p><strong>Well, nothing MI centric for this chapter but whole lotsa Jewish stuff. I dropped little hints but perhaps his conversion still came as a shock. Things were very different then and damned few interfaith couples existed and even fewer lasted. Everything I said about Hebrew names is correct but there are other things to consider if naming a baby. Um, baby girls have a naming ceremony during services when the Torah is read. Baby boys are named at their bris which is their ceremonial circumcision. Hebrew names are used for official Jewish documents and for when a person is called to the Torah during temple. <strong>

**Oh and while once only Jews were circumcized, it got into greater vogue for a while so Jimmy being well, you know, at birth would have been likely. It's more personal choice now and I don't think the rates are as high among non-Jews as they once were but then I consider myself Jewish so statistics for that are not something I concern myself with.**

**To say something like Chaim ben Avraham Avinu means Chaim son of Abraham, our father. It is for converts only because their birth parents don't matter as they are not Jewish. But if his son is called in temple he would be (insert child's name) ben Chaim. or whatever the child's name is, son of Chaim. And Chaim is pronounced kind of Khime but the beginning sound is like clearing your throat a little (or more like hocking a full on loogie). Um ger tzedeh is a convert to Judaism and should shut the old bat up for a little while. It is not endorsed by Jewish law to treat converts in a different manner than those born to the faith. **

**And how happy are we about little Bobby? Oh And Kid didn't see Lou because men weren't allowed in delivery in those days. He would have to wait for her to be moved to her regular hospital room before he would get to see her and he probably didn't even get to hold his son, they would have just shown him a baby in a bassinet as they wheeled it down to the nursery. Things were freakishly different back then. I just don't want anyone to think that Kid is being a bad husband or father or anything, that's just the way things were then. **

**And I have no idea what else might need explaining but I'm sure someone will let me know if I failed to define any other Hebrew or Yiddish terms. So, the Tigers were supposed to start the playoffs last night and they tried but the storm clouds wouldn't let them so I guess they'll try again tonight...but it's raining in NY right now. Oh sadness. But and cover your ears cuz I'm about to yell: MICHIGAN STATE SPARTANS BEAT THE BUCKEYES! Hell yeah!-J**


	24. Chapter 24

I know you're thinking that after that talk I had with Al that I would've been out ring shopping but it just didn't feel like the right time. Things just kind of went along all normal. I started taking some classes over the summer at the community college. I wasn't sure what classes to take or anything but Joanie told me to just take basic stuff and then whatever looked interesting and then I might hit on something that I wanted to do. That was good advice then but it's harder these days to get through college in any decent time unless you know what you want when you start and even then it can get hard. Joanie kept up her volunteer work and when her grades came, we found out she did make the dean's list.

That summer wasn't that different than the one before. I went up north with her family more than once and I was usually there Saturdays when they went to temple. Joanie spent most of the week with her family except for the occasional night at my place. She never lied to her parents about where she was going. She didn't tell them and they didn't ask. Friday nights were always with me and then usually Saturday night as well and then Sundays we went over to Emma's for dinner. Lots of Sundays Ike and Annie were there and Buck and Carol too. Lisa was growing like a little weed and starting to get a little personality. She still had that thick dark hair like her dad and those bright blue eyes like her mom. Annie was getting bigger and bigger the closer she got to her due date. She was also getting more and more uncomfortable as the days got hotter. I know some women will say that being pregnant through summer is the worst but I'm not sure there is a comfortable time to be that big. Sure, the heat is no fun but the ice in winter can be treacherous for someone who is always a little off balance. Annie still tried to be her sunny little self though and Ike was so protective of her and always running to get anything she needed. They were so good together.

The phone rang in the middle of the night in the middle of the week. I rolled out of bed and stumbled my way near frantic to the kitchen. All I could think was something was wrong with Joanie. I guess that's the way it is when you love someone, if they aren't with you then you just worry that something awful will happen. Life is so much easier when you can go to bed each night with your arms around the person you love. So I answered the phone and for a second was relieved to hear Buck's voice on the other end because it meant that nothing was wrong with Joanie. But then I worried for him and Carol and little Lisa. He assured me they were fine.

"And so is Timothy McSwain," Buck said with a hint of something in his voice that my half awake mind didn't catch.

"Who is Timothy McSwain?" I asked and then, before Buck could say anything I figured it out.

"Annie had the baby, huh?" I asked.

"Yeah," he answered, "Timmy's a pretty good looking kid too."

I promised I would tell Emma the next day on my way to work. A lot of days I stopped by her house before work for some coffee and to visit a bit. It was less about the coffee and sometimes breakfast I got than it was about looking in on the one woman who had shown me what a mother's love looked like. With the other guys all married and having babies, it seemed like one of us needed to still look in on Emma.

* * *

><p>"Morning Emma," I called out as I walked in the door for my coffee the next day.<p>

"Good morning to you," she said smiling, "You know there's going to be some talk if I keep getting early morning visits from a handsome young man."

"Aw, Emma," I said and I probably blushed at the compliment she threw in there. "Let 'em talk. A lady like you should have gentlemen callers and I don't just mean the likes of me, either."

"Oh, I had plenty in my own time," she said and she kind of looked sad. I felt bad about bringing it up but then I knew I had some news that would put a smile on her face.

"Well, I have some news for you this morning," I said.

"Did you bring my Free Press in with you or something?"

I laughed, "No, I got a call last night about Ike and Annie's son."

"Son?" she asked, "They had a boy?"

"Yeah," I said, "Named him Timothy."

"That's a nice name," she said and then sighed lightly, "I guess I know where I'm going this afternoon."

"If you wait until closing time," I said, "I'll drive you. It'll still be visiting hours."

I finished my coffee and stood up and I just couldn't help myself, I went over and hugged Emma. She just looked like she needed it and the way she hugged me back told me I was right. It was almost desperate and I gave her a small kiss on the top of her head.

"I'll see you around five then I guess," I said and she just nodded at me as I headed toward the shop.

I guess any other day and I would have had Joanie by my side while I worked and then wanting to go see the baby with me and Emma but she was in Midland visiting with Sherry and Sherry's family. I wouldn't even get to give her the news for a few days but then I guess that was for the best too.

It was close to closing time when I heard the door jingle and heard Al call out a greeting to Emma and her return it. I rolled out from under a car and Al told me to just get ready and go and he'd see to closing things up. He wasn't as sentimental and figured he'd see the little guy in due time but he told us to send along his good wishes and we knew he really meant his love. Now I don't know if we need to quite gush about our feelings like we do these days but men sure could have said the word 'love' a whole lot more back then. It's not a dirty word or something and it feels too good to love someone whether it's someone you're in love with or loving your family or friends, I don't know why we were so afraid to admit it to anyone back then.

It was a little way to the hospital and Emma was kind of to herself.

"Are you alright, Emma?" I asked. I was really getting a little worried. I had never seen her so sad and it wasn't like she was crying or carrying on or anything, it was just something sort of sad about her.

"I'm fine," she answered, "Thank you, Jimmy."

I knew she was lying and I didn't care if she wanted to talk about it or not. That's one thing about men, we like to fix things whether we should or not. It was always one of Joanie's gripes about me when she griped about me was sometimes I needed to just shut up or just be sympathetic and not try to fix things all the time. But I can't help my nature.

"Emma," I said, "That wasn't very convincing. What's upsetting you?"

"I just got to thinking about things today," she said, "Things that don't cross my mind too often but when they do, they sort of make me a little blue."

"Was it something I said?" I asked because I remembered noticing her looking sad when we were talking that morning.

"Not exactly," she replied, "Just got to thinking about my own little boy."

"You had a son, Emma?"

"I did," she said and her eyes got this real far away kind of look. "His name was Edward. He got polio and well, you know."

She looked out the window so I wouldn't see her crying but I could tell she was. I put a hand over hers and she wrapped her fingers around my hand and gripped it tight.

"What happened to your husband?"

"He couldn't handle it and took to drinking, drank himself right to death," she said.

"All this time and you never remarried?"

She shook her head and I had a feeling she'd had chances but just couldn't bring herself to take them.

"You know, Emma," I said, "You're a pretty lady and you're not very old at all. There's still time you know."

We were pulling into a parking place as I said it and she slid across the seat and kissed my cheek.

"Those are sweet words, Jimmy," she told me, "Thank you."

Well, I meant those words. Emma couldn't have been much over forty if she was even that old and that's not old at all. And she was a pretty lady with long reddish hair and a sweet smile. I knew there had to be a lot of men who'd want to date her and maybe even marry her. I guess it hadn't ever occurred to me before that she might be lonely or have those sad things inside her. It surely explained why she was so good at mothering all of us, she didn't have her own to mother anymore. I'll bet she was a terrific mother for whatever time she had Edward.

We had a nice little visit with Ike and Annie and peeked in the window at the nursery to see Timmy. I drove Emma home and she got me to go in and have some dinner with her. After dinner we went next door and sat on Al's porch and listened to the Tiger game on the radio. They were playing good that year. Still came in second to those damn Yankees but, well that was the year that Maris and Mantle were vying for the home run record so I guess it would have taken more than what Detroit had on its roster to beat them out. It was a nice evening sitting there sipping iced tea and listening to Ernie Harwell and George Kell. I think for a lot of kids growing up in Michigan, Ernie was the voice of their bedtime stories and they were the best stories ever, even if the good guys didn't always win. There were the guys who "stood there like the house by the side of the road" or the ones who "swung like a rusty gate". And then there were those wonderful times when our boys got "two for the price of one". Ernie came from another time and listening to him always made you feel like you were in the stands for some game back when Ty Cobb was still sharpening his cleats and the players didn't even have numbers on their jerseys.

Well, maybe it was the great voice of the Tigers that made me think on my childhood or maybe it was missing Joanie since she was out of town or maybe it was something else but a part of me wanted to almost cry sitting there on that porch. The porch just seemed too empty. I know it wasn't uncommon for just me to be over there but it still seemed like too many people were missing. I was feeling a cross between the old folks with the empty nest and the kid brother left home when the older brothers get married and go to college and stuff. Once the game was over, I made a hasty retreat to my apartment. I spent the rest of the night just sitting in the dark trying to figure if life was really passing me by and if these plans I thought I was making were really going to pan out into anything. I always had figured I'd be the loner, the lone bachelor among my friends but I never thought it would make me feel quite like this. I guess in the light of day I knew that I had my Joanie and in time I would have everything my friends had and maybe even more but in the darkness, alone in my apartment that now seemed too big when it normally seemed so cozy, nothing seemed to be certain and I could see so many things that could go wrong and could leave me to sitting alone listening to baseball games with the old man and being the doting uncle even though I wasn't an uncle. I was nothing to those kids really but a friend to their folks. I started to doubt the friendships could endure when I would understand less and less of their lives as time went on.

I guess I finally fell into something almost like sleep but when the sun hit my windows the next morning and woke me, I was still sitting on the couch. I got up and stretched the kinks out of my back and quick like showered and changed my clothes before heading off to work. The sunshine did a lot to improve my mood as did the knowledge that Joanie would be home in just a couple of days.

Now when she did come home, I was more than ready to see her and I watched for her the whole day at work. I know she didn't say she was coming in to see me but we'd been apart for nearly a week and I thought she'd be as excited to see me as I was her. As it neared five o'clock and time to close the shop, my heart was sinking about as low as I thought it could go. It was about then that I heard the phone in Al's office ring and soon he was leaning out and calling to me. I'll admit that I panicked thinking something had happened to her and that's why she hadn't come.

"Hello?" I said but it really came as more of a question.

"James?" I almost fell over from the relief at hearing her voice.

"Joanie," I said and I wanted to maybe yell at her for worrying me by not coming or maybe plead with her to come see me because I missed her but there was something not right in her voice and I wasn't sure what it was exactly but it sounded like fear. "What's wrong, honey?"

"It's Aaron," she said and if she said anything else, I couldn't make it out through her tears.

"I'll be there as soon as I can," I told her before hanging up the phone. It was after five by that time and I was able to just take off. I got out to her house in record time and it might have been some sort of miracle that I wasn't ticketed for the speed I was driving. I didn't know Aaron much but our one meeting at New Year's Eve but I knew he meant a great deal to Joanie. I hoped he wasn't dead and even prayed most of the way there. I pulled up to the curb in front of the Cohen home and saw Joanie sitting on her front steps her head in her hands and her shoulders shaking. I hustled my way to her and she didn't even look up even though I know my boots were making a sound on the cement walkway. I sat next to her and put an arm around her and she just turned her face into my chest still sobbing.

"I'm here now honey," I tried to soothe her. "Tell me what happened."

Well, it took her a good long time to get the story out because she was crying so hard but the upshot was that Aaron had gone down south with the Freedom Riders in May. I wasn't sure I was following what importance that was since that had been two months before. Apparently Aaron had been arrested and that had held him up for a while and then when he rejoined the ride or attempted to, he got caught up in a riot and was beaten nearly to death. She hadn't known until she got back because Mr. Shapiro had only just found his son after spending those two months trying to track him down. He wasn't well enough to travel so Mr. Shapiro was going down to Alabama to be with him while he got better. In fact, Joanie wouldn't have even known except that Mr. Shapiro had told Mr. Cohen about it to explain why he was leaving the firm for a while. I just held her. There wasn't anything else for me to do. There was nothing to be said to comfort her. I couldn't say things would be alright because I didn't know that at all. None of us, Mr. Shapiro included, even knew the nature of his injuries.

This was our first taste of this and it was sort of a shadow of things to come. There was a lot of talk about civil disobedience then and I have nothing against all that. Hell, nothing ever changes if folks don't stand up and say they should change and things usually need to change in some way or another. I had a lot of respect for Aaron for going and doing that. A lot of people wouldn't have because they would have thought it wasn't their fight but Dr. King pointed out I guess it was a couple of years later, everyone is connected and none of us are truly free if we all aren't. I'm not quoting that or anything and he was far better at words than I guy like me would ever be but that was the gist of a good portion of that speech and I know because, well, that's for another time too, now isn't it?

But see, even the most peaceful and legal of civil disobedience comes with a price and the price is worth it in the long run but it still has to be paid. I remember reading an essay one time by that Thoreau guy. You know the one who lived out in the woods by a pond and wrote the whole book about it. Now that book drove me nuts with all his talk of simplicity and yet he never thought to apply that concept of simplicity to his writing. But I liked this essay. See he was in jail for something he was standing up for and his friend came to visit him and the friend asked him why he was in the jail cell and he asked his friend why he was not. Sometimes you just have to take a stand even if the price is high. I was just hoping that Aaron wouldn't be playing the highest price of them all. I know the rides didn't accomplish much in the immediate time after but they planted some seeds and eventually things changed. It was just hard the first time the cost of all our high and mighty talk of equality hit home.

* * *

><p><strong>Okay...so Michigan stuff first. I know I've mentioned Ernie before. George Kell was a hall of fame thirdbaseman who went into broadcasting and was Ernie's partner for many years. Class guy. Ernie really was the voice of all my bedtime stories as a kid. His voice was confirmation that somehow all was really right with the world. standing like the house by the side of the road is watching a strike go by, swinging like a rusty gate is swinging and missing and two for the price of one is a double play. I really miss the Ernie-isms. If you've ever watched Field of Dreams, the speech James Earl Jones gives about baseball as a reminder of all that once was good and can be again...that's how I always felt about Ernie.<strong>

**Now for the rest of it...I hope my fellow Americans know what the Freedom Riders were but for my friends in other lands and anyone who didn't grow up idolizing hippy folk artists like I did, the Freedom rides were bus rides of integrated passengers acting as a peaceful protest through the south. Many of the riders were arrested and many others were beaten. There are a number of wonderful documentaries about the freedom rides. I recommend looking into them. A google search should give you some titles.**

**The essay I referenced is actually called "Civil Disobedience" and is indeed by Henry David Thoreau and the part Jimmy speaks of is a conversation between Thoreau and his friend, poet Ralph Waldo Emerson. I recommend the essay but I agree with Jimmy about Walden. The man liked his own words a little too much. I know, I should talk.**

**So that's all for now my fine furry friends. I love you all and thanks for sticking with me. I think I might have bitten off more than I can chew with this story but I'm going to finish it anyway.-J**


	25. Chapter 25

I don't know how long I sat there on the porch just rocking Joanie back and forth and smoothing my hand over those wild curls of hers. I remember I had to get her glasses off her because I knew they weren't doing her any good anymore. Once things settled down, she had to clean the lenses for all the dried tears. I stuffed them in my pocket for the time being and just held and rocked her until she quieted down and I thought perhaps she had fallen asleep. It was getting dark but I was more thinking she had just worn herself all out from crying. No man deals well with feeling helpless and there's not much of a more helpless feeling than seeing someone you love in pain and knowing there ain't a thing you can do about it. I ain't proud of what I'm about to tell you but the respect I had when Joanie first told me that Aaron had gone to stand up for things he believed in started turning to anger at him for putting himself in a place to get hurt and cause her such pain. I told you I ain't proud of it and I got over it. It's not like he got her killed or really hurt but in that moment, I needed someone to blame and a faceless mob in Montgomery was too vague for me to get mad at. Aaron had a face and if it had been in front of me right then I would've punched it. He wasn't there though and that was the problem of course. She wouldn't have been crying like that, whimpering like a kicked puppy if he'd been there, if she could have seen him and taken stock and known he was alright.

Now I didn't know it then and neither did she or her dad but if he'd been there in front of us, it wouldn't have made her feel a bit better and I couldn't have brought myself to land that punch. We found out later that he'd spent most of those two months unconscious and would spend the next one that way for the most part as well. There was a lot of doubt as to whether he'd be able to go back to school ever but he ended up bucking the odds and only missed a semester. He hobbled around Harvard but then if you have to hobble around somewhere, Harvard is as pretty a place to do it as you'll find.

Well, like I said, she calmed a bit after a while and all that was left was the irregular hitching kind of breath that you get after crying a long time when your body is just trying to get back to breathing right. I still just held her and petted her hair and kissed the top of her head every so often. Then I remembered where I'd been earlier that week.

"Hey, sweetie," I said trying to sound a little more upbeat and knowing my own worry both for her and for Aaron kept that from happening. "I have some news that might make you at least a little happy."

She pulled back from me with a look that said nothing shy of her friend standing in front of her in perfect health was going to do that.

"Annie had a baby boy a few nights ago," I said, "Timothy."

She did sort of smile a little at that and I knew in some way it did make her happy. Annie was sweet and we all had taken to her pretty fast and Ike was damned hard not to like so there really weren't any circumstances that would keep a person from sharing at least a little in their happiness.

"That is good news," she said, "How's Annie doing?"

"Emma and I went up to see them and she seemed in real good spirits," I told her.

"I'll bet he's a cutie," she said.

I just nodded and tried to wipe away some of her tears. Her face was a mess but then when you love someone, that don't really matter 'cause she was just as beautiful to me as always. I gave her back her glasses and she used her shirt tail to wipe away the little white salt spots left when her tears dried to the lenses before she shoved them back on her face.

"How's the rest of the family doing?" I asked knowing how close the Cohen and Shapiro families were.

"Dad's trying to be all strong and stoic and mom is almost as big a mess as I am," she said, "Judy's not as close with him as me but she's fourteen so everything is very dramatic for her. She and mom are leaning on each other."

"Don't you need to be with them?"

She shook her head, "No, I needed you. I need you."

She stood so sudden that she wobbled from the sudden change after having been sitting for so long.

"I have to get out of here," she said just as suddenly as she had stood.

"Where?" I asked.

"I don't care," she said, "I just can't be here anymore. Please James; take me away from here now."

"Let your dad know you're going and then I'll take you anywhere you want to go," I promised.

We went in and I saw Mrs. Cohen and Judy hugging each other. They broke apart for a minute and Mrs. Cohen tried to play the good hostess.

"James, it's so good of you to come," she began and seemed to search for what she was supposed to do or say next so I just pulled her into a hug. When I let go of her, Judy ran to me and I squeezed her tight. I looked up to see Mr. Cohen just staring straight ahead, his paper in his hand going unread and unacknowledged.

"I'm going out," Joanie said and her dad nodded more to me than to her. It was less a nod to confirm what she said or even to give permission than it was a nod to thank me for seeing to her. I couldn't have done anything else really but the responsibility felt awful heavy right about then. I had no idea how heavy it could get but I started to understand. Having that man who I had come to respect so, looking at me and trusting me to care for his little girl was about as heavy a thing as I had dealt with at that time.

Joanie grabbed a sweater to put over her shoulders because with the sun down, there was a slight chill creeping into the air. July can get like that when it's not so muggy. She took my hand and we left the sad house and the devastated people in it. I opened Joanie's door for her and closed it behind her before going around and sliding into the driver's seat.

"Where are we going?" I asked.

"Just drive," she said and I thought for a moment of that night over a year before when she had said those same words to me. I wished right then that I could go back to that night. I was insecure and trying to prove myself to her but I would have gladly gone back to that insecurity to be free of the sadness that was our companion on this drive.

Joanie slid across the seat and cuddled tight to me. The windows were down and somehow the tension and sadness and hurt seemed to fly out into the night air. Eventually Joanie's death grip on me loosened and she relaxed and seemed to almost be my normal Joanie, if there was such a thing as a normal Joanie.

"Is it wrong to ask how your week with Sherry went?"

She gave a small laugh that only had about half her heart in it but it was a laugh at least.

"I had a good time," she said, "Her family is completely crazy but in a good way. And Midland is a really nice town."

I was glad she had a nice visit. I always liked Sherry and how Joanie was when the two were together. There was something about Sherry that put people at ease and maybe it was coming from as crowded a house as she did but whatever it was, Joanie was less worried and unsure when she was with Sherry. I was glad that she was coming off a week like that when the news hit. If she had already been upset or stressed, I dread to think how bad it could have been. We drove around the city just soaking up the landscape and the skyline and then I got an idea. I pulled up to the garage and I know I got a strange look from Joanie. I took her hand and led her up the stairs, all the way to the roof. I turned and she was smiling at me. I knew it was the right thing when it occurred to me but if I needed it confirmed, her smile did it. It was the first smile I had seen, the first real one, since before she left for Sherry's.

We sat for a while and neither of us talked at first but then Joanie broke the silence.

"What did he go through?" she asked.

I just looked at her because I didn't know what she meant.

"What's it like to be hit, to be beaten?"

"Joanie," I said, "You don't need to think about things like that."

I liked the idea that she didn't know about such things and I never wanted her to either.

"I have to know," she said, "I have to know how it was for him." And then she added so quiet I almost couldn't hear her, "How it was for you too."

"No babe," I said, "You never need to know any of that."

I knew I was on some thin ice trying to decide for her what she did and did not need to know but I just didn't know if I could bear it for her to have any sort of understanding of being hurt like that; even if it wasn't firsthand knowledge.

"James," she said calmly and I knew there was a warning in her tone but there was also a searching for the words that could explain to me why she needed this. "Do you know the difference between sympathy and empathy?"

I shook my head. To be honest, I hadn't ever heard the word empathy before and sympathy was something on greeting cards you sent when someone died. It went with the word 'condolences'.

"Sympathy is feeling bad for someone," she explained, "It's sort of being sad because you know that someone else is sad. But empathy is actually being able to put yourself in their shoes. It's taking your own life experiences and truly knowing how that person feels. It's the heart of the golden rule. You know what that is, right? You had to learn the teachings of Hillel when you studied for your conversion. He put it pretty well, I thought."

He did at that. Hillel was a prophet and teacher who was challenged to explain all Jewish doctrine in the time a man might stand on one foot. He said, "That which is harmful to thee, do not to thy neighbor. All of the rest is commentary. Go forth and learn."

I nodded.

"Empathy is knowing how you'd feel in that situation and basing your own actions on how they would make you feel if you were on the receiving end."

She looked up at me with those big brown eyes and that halo of dark curls and I was powerless. Besides, she made a good argument. I would dare to say that Joanie rarely met her match at debating.

I sighed and closed my eyes allowing myself to go back to my own childhood. You might say I wasn't much more than a kid that night on the roof but I was twenty and times was different back then. Besides, if I was to explain how Aaron felt, it wouldn't do to tell a time when I was more evenly matched. He was beaten by a mob. I never was but a kid of six or seven getting beat by a grown man is pretty damned close in that there is just as much chance of fighting back or escaping.

"I was real little," I began and I felt her hand tighten around mine urging me on but also comforting me and reminding me that the memories were just that. "I guess maybe in first or second grade. My dad's a big guy. He's over six foot tall and must weigh well over two hundred pounds. When he worked he did construction so he wasn't fat for all that physical labor. He seemed like a giant to me. When he was sober and not angry, he was like this giant teddy bear or something I could cuddle into and feel like he could fight off the scariest monsters. But he wasn't sober often and drinking seemed to make him madder and he was plenty mad most of the time anyway. Mom took a lot of the beatings for me at first but after a while she just couldn't or wouldn't anymore. Of course she started drinking too and I guess that was why she didn't care to get between us anymore. For a while I tried hiding when he got home but that only made things worse. I remember the last time I tried hiding. I was under my bed and I thought he couldn't reach me but he just flipped the bed right over and there it sat on its side leaning against the wall and there I was curled into a ball exposed. He grabbed me by my arm and yanked me up. I felt my shoulder come apart and that hurt but I didn't have the chance to notice much before my head hit the wall. I could see the red start to cloud my eyes as the blood flowed and things got kind of dark and murky. I guess I almost passed out but he wasn't done with me, not by a long shot. I could feel his hands close around my throat and things really did get dark then. For a few minutes, my neck really hurt and so did the back of my head every time he brought it back down into the floor-it was like an explosion every hit-but the good thing about losing consciousness is that the pain stops too. It kind of faded and I know any fight that might have been instinct in me faded with it and with me. I sort of passed out I guess. Everything was dark and I couldn't breathe but I could still hear him stomping the floor around me. When he started kicking me, I felt that and that's when I started coughing because my lungs were trying to work again. He finally quit and I laid there bleeding and coughing for I don't know how long. I remembered someone told me about God once and that you could pray to Him if you needed help. I tried in my head. I was afraid to make any noise but I hoped it would work anyway. I fell asleep like that, on the floor next to my upended bed laying in my own blood and the pajamas I had wet when he slammed me against the wall. When morning came, I changed my clothes and hid the pajama bottoms so I wouldn't get in worse trouble for wetting my pants and I came out for breakfast. Mom wasn't drunk yet that morning and she took one look at me and loaded me on the bus to the hospital. She told the doctors I fell down the stairs and I'll hate those doctors forever for not asking what kind of boots the stairs was wearing to leave those marks on my ribs. I had a concussion, a broken nose, a dislocated shoulder and a broken arm. Plus they said my kidneys was bruised and a few of my ribs was broken too. That was the worst of the beatings, I think. But it's not like they stopped, not until I could fight back some anyway."

I hadn't looked at Joanie the whole time I told the story. I hadn't even really let my mind believe I was talking about myself. That's the protection you get sometimes is pretending it didn't really happen, it was someone else or something you imagined and it didn't hurt that things that traumatic always seemed to replay in your head like a movie you're watching. When I finished, I did look at her and she was trying to stay strong but the shining tracks down her face told another story altogether. I wanted to reach for her and hold her but I felt ashamed. I know I was just a little kid and like I said before, there was no chance to fight back or run away but there's a shame in being someone whose parents would do that. There's guilt and a wondering what you did wrong to make them hate you so much.

I didn't have to reach for her or say anything because she reached for me. She held me close and she kissed me and rocked me. I didn't cry because she was doing enough for the both of us and it was in the past after all but I let her hold me. There's nothing quite like being safe and held and I'm man enough to admit that I felt safe in her arms, not just that night but always.

* * *

><p><strong>Okay...that was kind of intense. I sort of want to pick up little Jimmy Hickok off that bedroom floor and hold him and tell him he doesn't have to live with those mean people anymore. I don't know as there's much more to say about this chapter except that I hope it spoke to you and served a purpose in the story for you. I contemplated changing the rating due to the violence against a child but I think I'm still in PG-13 turf. <strong>

**Um, well, the Tigers won last night...Justin Verlander was dialed in and if we win tonight, then the series is over and we can sit back and see if Texas or Tampa comes out on top because we'll play one of them. Go Tigers! And go Rick Porcello because he's our starting pitcher tonight. On paper, I like this match up because I think he's a much better pitcher than AJ Burnett who the Yanks are putting out there but games aren't played on paper and well, the post season is a separate thing so whatever they each did in the regular season doesn't really matter.**

**And the Red Wings open on Friday! Oh giant happiness! 23 man roster was just announced and I wish one of our babies could have made the big team this year but I know the first injury, he'll be right there. He is good beyond his years. Like really good. But I am excited to get some hockey games that count! Oh I love hockey. I have the Red Wing logo tattooed around my ankle...no joke. It was my first tattoo. **

**So, yeah...I'll try to get another chapter up soon and hopefully we can get some happy going for a little while. Too much sad and hurt in this one and even the one before. Maybe Emma needs to meet up with a nice fella...that could be good...what do you all think? I gotta cheer this puppy up somehow. There's only so much that can be done by looking at pictures of baby pandas (though if you are sad, it does help). Let me know what you think about this chapter or what could maybe finally go right for our guys. I mean even the birth of little Timmy sort of got overshadowed and that stinks because I'm sure Timmy is about the cutest little guy ever with Annie's reddish hair and Ike's big ole smile. I just want to squeeze him and smooch on his chubby little face...Oh little Timmy McSwain, why do you have to be only a figment of my imagination? It's just not fair. So talk to me people!-J**


	26. Chapter 26

"I'm sorry," I said finally. I don't know how long we sat there with her holding me and crying but I just couldn't take her tears anymore. She just shook her head against me.

"I should be sorry," she said, "I'm a terrible person to even ask what I did."

"I don't mind," I said and it was true. It was something I had lived through and come out on the other side of. It wasn't that I never felt sad about it but it was almost easier to talk about the beatings and how they hurt my body than it was to talk about the betrayal and how they hurt me deeper for that.

"James," she said, "How can you not mind? How can you talk about something so terrible and be so matter of fact?"

"Because it is a matter of fact," I told her, "But I still shouldn't have told you that story."

I was feeling it more and more that I shouldn't have told her and not just because I made her cry but I was starting to see this look in her eye when she looked at me and it wasn't sympathy or empathy, it looked an awful lot like pity. I didn't want to have to see that every time I looked at my girl.

"Don't think me a terrible person," she said, "But I'm glad you did. I've heard you say they hurt you and I knew that meant they were violent to you but I never really understood. I am just so, so sorry for what you went through."

"I don't want you to be sorry for me," I said and I know I sounded angrier than I meant to but I just couldn't take that look of pity anymore. I was a grown man and not that little kid anymore. I had even gotten some of my own back before I left home and I'll just say the old man learned to leave me alone.

I got up and stalked off to the edge of the roof and looked out over the city and wished for a minute I was driving one of those sets of taillights across the bridge. Leaving the country seemed a decent enough idea right then. Joanie came up behind me and put a hand on my shoulder. I turned away and I knew exactly how much that would hurt her and I guess I wanted to at that time. It's amazing how quickly you can go from trying to soothe someone's pain to wanting to hurt them. Now really I never wanted to hurt Joanie, not really but right then I just was hurting too much myself and not for what I had remembered but for how her pity stung me. I mean she asked me to tell her and then she had the nerve to pity me.

"James," she said and she was fighting real hard for me not to hear how I was hurting her. It was a losing battle. "If you don't mind talking about it then why are you angry with me?"

"You wouldn't understand," I said and it was more I wasn't sure I could explain.

"I want to understand."

"Right," I said, "You just want to understand everyone, don't you? Me, your friend, the poor people that come to your dad for help; but you don't understand, Joanie. You just don't. You can hear about the things we've been through and you can imagine yourself going through them but it doesn't count because my whole life isn't that day my dad turned my bed over. You go on ahead and feel sorry for that little boy if you want but he's not here. He's not anywhere because he grew the hell up. I'm a grown man Joanie; I don't need my girlfriend's pity. You can try all you want but you'll never understand."

Joanie stood there with her head held high and refused to cry. I have to give her credit for being pretty damned tough when she wanted to be. All the effort she was using to not cry was building up quite a head of steam and I could tell she was ready to blow but I didn't really care. I was mad and if she was too then I wouldn't have to feel bad about yelling.

"James," she said finally but she didn't say it as much as she yelled it. "Maybe if you weren't so busy wallowing in your own self-pity you'd actually know when someone was pitying you and when they aren't. There's a difference between being sorry and feeling sorry. A couple years ago my friend Liz's aunt died and I went to pay my respects. I told her I was sorry. I wasn't sorry because I caused her aunt's death or because I could have prevented it. I said it because that's what decent people say. I was sorry for her loss. I didn't feel sorry for her or pity her, I was just sorry. Sometimes people say they are sorry when there's no one else to seek apology from. I don't pity you and I don't feel sorry for you. It hurts me to hear you lived through something like that, it really does. And I'm angry at every person who let you down from your parents to your teachers to those stupid doctors. No child should endure what you did but it happened and you did grow up and mostly you grew into a nice man. I'm not the guilty one here unless you're mad at me for giving you more slack than you sometimes deserve."

Okay, I'll say it right now; the truth can really sting sometimes. It surely did that night. She was right. I didn't see pity in her eyes; it was my own reflected back at me. It was me feeling sorry for me and sometimes I think it's alright to feel sorry for yourself a little as long as you don't attack the people you love for it like I had just done. I felt bad for it too. She hadn't really done anything wrong except cry for that little boy which was something I wasn't able to do anymore. Maybe I resented that she still could. I slid down the wall and sat there with my arms rested on my knees and my head resting on my arms. It wasn't long at all before I felt an arm around my shoulders. I just felt weary to my core. I couldn't even pick my head up to look at her.

"You're not mad at me," she said, "I don't even think you're really even mad. You're just used to using anger to cover everything. What's really going on?"

"I don't know," I lied.

"You might be the worst liar I have ever met," she sort of half teased me. "I'm not leaving so you might as well talk to me. I'll still love you, you know."

"I'm ashamed," I mumbled into my arms.

"What was that?"

"I am ashamed," I said clearer and looking at her with as much anger and defiance as I could muster which wasn't much, I'll grant you.

"It's hard enough to get past the things you know and have and do that I didn't even know existed," I tried to explain. "French food and art museums and things like that; I can't even fake it most of the time. I got past that stuff mostly even though it wasn't easy. But this is so basic; my parents didn't think to feed me most days. I spent a lot of time sneaking into Kid's room after dark and sleeping under his bed to hide from his old man when my mom locked me out. It's one thing to grow up with things that maybe not everyone gets to take for granted like a nice big house but I don't even know what it's like to have halfway decent parents. And you don't have the parents you have because you're family has money; they are just the way parents are supposed to be, Joanie. It makes me wonder what's wrong with me and how defective I must be that I couldn't make them love me."

"There's nothing wrong with you, my love, nothing at all."

That was the first time I think I ever heard Joanie call me anything like that; not the last time but I think it was the first.

"That's not how it feels," I said.

She sat next to me and sort of wrapped herself right around me like a cocoon. It felt so good to be back in that safety but I still tried to push away thinking I didn't need a woman to protect me and make me feel safe. I'd gotten that far in life without someone mothering me, well, maybe I hadn't but mothering wasn't what I wanted from Joanie.

"James," she said softly but without reproach, "Please stop pushing me away. Everyone needs a soft place to land."

"I don't need mothering," I said getting all indignant, "Least of all from you."

"You think I'm trying to mother you?" she asked and I thought she might laugh at me. I couldn't answer her because her lips were covering mine and she was climbing onto my lap. I guess mothering me wasn't at all what she had in mind but she was making me feel better by the minute. We didn't waste any time at all in getting out of our clothes and we made love right there on the roof. We both needed that for our own reasons and maybe for some of the same ones too.

Later we were close together under that afghan and I was just basking in the feel of her still heated skin on mine.

"James," Joanie started tentatively, "Can I say I'm sorry without making you angry again?"

"Depends on what you're sorry for," I answered, "Because I sure hope it ain't for what we just did."

"I'm never sorry for that," she told me, "I'm sorry I brought up all the other stuff before. I badgered you into telling me something you didn't want to. I shouldn't have done that. It was wrong."

Now I wasn't mad at her but even if I had been, she picked a damned good time to apologize because there's no way a man is going to hold a grudge against a woman who just had sex with him while she's still lying naked in his arms.

"You're right that I didn't want to tell you," I said, "But I'm not angry with you and you don't need to apologize."

It was about then we heard the sirens heading down the street next to the garage, the street Al and Emma both lived on. I jumped up without even thinking and grabbed my clothes. I was doing up my jeans and pulling my t-shirt over my head as I headed down the stairs and only then did I notice Joanie behind me. She'd gotten dressed quickly too and was smoothing her hair.

"Stay close to me," I told her and she did. I was thankful for that for once she was content to stay a little behind me so I could protect her. The cops being somewhere don't mean everything is secure.

We hurried over to where Al was on his porch and Emma was clinging to him in fear. The cops was all swarming around her place.

"Emma," I called to her and she ran up and threw her arms around me crying. Joanie just went and stood with Al on the porch. "What happened, Emma?"

She couldn't really talk for her crying and shaking so I looked to Al.

"Someone broke into her place, Jimmy," he said, "She scared them off before they got anything but they sure did make a mess."

We saw another car pull up, this one was unmarked and a man in a suit stepped out of it and headed over to me and Emma. He looked at his notepad.

"Mrs. Emma Shannon?" he asked and I nodded to him that she was indeed the woman I was holding.

"Mrs. Shannon," he went on as if she had answered for herself, "I'm Detective Sam Cain. Do you mind if I ask you some questions?"

She gripped me tighter and I rubbed her back to soothe her. I nodded at the man. You'd think after all my run ins with the cops that I'd have something against them but it wasn't their fault I'd done bad things of course there were a few that believed whatever someone told them without looking at evidence but if I hadn't done stupid stuff in the first place it wouldn't have been so easy to believe. This man seemed alright enough.

"Could we go on the porch?" I asked, "I think she needs to sit down."

This Detective Cain guy nodded and then let me lead the way. We got settled on the porch swing while Joanie went into Al's house to start some coffee and the detective sat in a chair near us. He looked at me kind of helpless since Emma still had her face buried in my shoulder.

"Emma," I said gently, "The detective's over there. I ain't going nowhere."

She picked her head up and I saw a fleeting look cross that detective's face. It wasn't much and if I hadn't been watching him close, I wouldn't have seen it. He was trying to look at her with professional curiosity but there was that little bit of a look where his professional self took a back seat just for a moment. Now, don't get me wrong, there was nothing disrespectful in the look. It was merely a noticing that the woman in front of him was an attractive woman even with her hair a mess and her eyes puffy from crying. I kept my arm around her. I didn't know enough about this guy yet. Judging by Emma's reaction to seeing him though, she thought he was attractive too.

"Ma'am," he began, "Did you see who broke into your home?"

She shook her head, "I'm sorry."

"Emma," I said softly, "It's okay. I'm glad you didn't have to face them."

Det. Cain nodded, "It's probably best they didn't see her. But can you tell me exactly what you remember happening?"

He spoke with a certain tone that was assertive but still sympathetic and soft. I was starting to think I liked this guy. Even more than his tone, I liked that even though Emma was sitting there in her nightgown and robe, he was keeping his eyes on her face. Now that I think of it, Emma had some pretty eyes so maybe that wasn't hard at all but I still think it said a lot about the man. Emma took a deep breath and I gave her a squeeze to remind her that she wasn't alone.

"I was sleeping," she started, "And I woke up all of a sudden but I didn't know why and then I heard the noise. It was breaking glass. I got up and I was going to go downstairs and I don't even know what I thought I was going to do. I bumped my dresser on my way out the bedroom door and I heard voices, two voices, maybe three. And I heard feet running out. I came right over here and called for Mr. Hunter to wake up. He called the police for me."

"That must have been very frightening, ma'am," he said to her and he was real genuine when he said it. Yeah, I liked this guy plenty. "Will you be staying with your son tonight?"

Emma looked baffled, "My son? I don't have, I mean."

I figured it out.

"I'm not her son," I told Det. Cain, "Unfortunately."

"I'm sorry," he said, "It's just that the best anyone's going to be able to do for you tonight is cover the windows with cardboard and you shouldn't be there alone like that. I'd like to know how to get a hold of you-in case I have more questions."

I took note of the nice recovery. Emma just looked around not knowing what to do.

"I have an extra room," Al offered.

"Or you could come to my place," I said.

"I-I just, well, I just don't know," she said. I knew her objections. She worried it wouldn't look right to stay at Al's though I know she trusted Al and she would feel uncomfortable at my place with me and Joanie together in the next room. She tried not to make much noise about our living in sin a good part of the time but it did bother her and she was afraid that there would be an awkward situation.

"I'll take the couch," I said, "I still have the one that folds out. You shouldn't be alone, Emma."

"I still don't know."

"It'll be just fine, Emma," Joanie said, "You can sleep in the bedroom with me. James is right, you shouldn't be alone."

I gave the detective my number.

"But we'll be back here in the morning to get to work fixing Emma's widows and changing her locks," I said, "In case you need to find her."

Det. Cain looked at Joanie, "Would you take Mrs. Shannon to get what she needs from her house? It's clear and safe with all my guys combing it for evidence."

Then he pulled me aside and walked me down the steps off the porch.

"Jimmy was it?" he asked and I nodded. "You look after Mrs. Shannon?"

"It only seems right," I answered, "She's been looking after me for years."

"Could you use a little help with those windows?"

"Sure could," I said smiling, "If I know Emma, she'll probably even feed you for your trouble."

What I did then was pure overprotective behavior on my part but I took a quick glance at his left hand just to be sure he was as nice a guy as he seemed. The hand was clear of all jewelry.

"So I'll see you tomorrow morning then, Detective Cain?"

He nodded, "Call me Sam."

* * *

><p><strong>Well, I did say I was thinking about how Emma maybe should meet a nice man and no one was nicer for her than good old Sam Cain and he just had to still be a lawman of some sort. I feel bad that her house had to get broken into but now Sam will have to come check on her often and they will have opportunity to fall in love. I think she's ready to love and trust a man again.<strong>

**I know that Joanie is still going to be fretting over how bad Aaron is hurt until he gets back to Michigan but I think she and Jimmy will be okay for a little while. That was a lot of heavy stuff to pile on all at once but then that is how things go sometimes. And hurray for rooftop stress sex! **

**Nothing Michigan centric too much except for the reference to the bridge. The bridge in question would be the Ambassador Bridge and if you get on it in Detroit and drive across you will find yourself in Windsor, Ontario, Canada. Land of maple leaves (and Leafs-hockey joke there), lumberjacks, curling and hot, physically aggressive hockey boys. O Canada indeed!**

**So I hope you liked my lame attempt at bringing something happy to the story. I know this chapter isn't all sweetness and light but you can see how happiness is just on the horizon, can't you?-J**


	27. Chapter 27

There was a little bit of awkwardness at my place. But then she hadn't seen my new apartment yet so that was good and I was a little proud like showing her that I was doing alright after all. Joanie went to get herself ready for bed since it was really late and Emma came closer to me to talk to me.

"You didn't have to bring me here, Jimmy," she said.

"Yeah," I replied, "I did. And it'll be good for Joanie too."

Emma looked at me a little strange and I explained about Aaron. I left out everything that happened on the roof from me telling her an inappropriate story to what Emma would deem inappropriate activity.

"You think me keeping you apart is going to be good for her?" she asked. I think she understood that even if we had shared a bed that night that things probably wouldn't have gotten frisky. We were past that intensity and emotion for the night and at first I worried that Joanie would still need me to hold her. But when Joanie invited Emma, I knew she wasn't just being selfless and she wasn't only thinking of Emma.

"Her mom is pretty tore up and Judy is about all the poor woman can handle," I explained, "She needs a mom right now, not her boyfriend."

I'll admit the proud man part of me hated that she needed something I couldn't give her. I knew that if other events hadn't happened that she would have been fine with me but Emma being there was perfect. I knew Joanie would be better off for Emma being the one next to her and it would help Emma feel better to still be able to mother someone.

I pulled the bed out of the couch and grabbed some sheets out of my closet and Joanie came out of the bathroom. She gave me a quick kiss and then put her hand on the side of my face.

"We're okay, right?" she asked and I nodded. I pulled her to me and held her close for a minute.

"We're just fine," I whispered, "I love you."

"I love you too," she said and then studied my eyes for just a moment. "I always will."

She kissed me again and went to the bedroom calling good night to me. I told the ladies good night and watched as the bedroom door closed. It was about then it hit me how tired I was right then. It had been a really long day and I had plenty to keep me busy the next day. I was asleep as soon as my head hit the pillow or maybe somewhere along the descent.

When I woke up, I could smell the takeover of my kitchen that had occurred. Emma and Joanie were cooking up a storm. I went over and slid my arms around Joanie's waist from behind leaning around and kissing her cheek.

"Good morning, beautiful," I said, "How're you doing today?"

"Better," she smiled up at me. I could tell she wasn't exactly lying but she wasn't all better and I knew she wouldn't be until Mr. Shapiro brought Aaron home. At least she was a little better.

"Morning Emma," I said when I saw her standing there with her hand on her hip like she was pretending to disapprove. But we hadn't done anything really wrong. I mean it really was just a peck on the cheek. I leaned over and kissed Emma on the cheek making her blush.

"So you did notice me here," she said.

"You have to understand," I said trying to defend myself, "I'm not used to having two beautiful women in my kitchen. But you know who would have noticed you first? That Detective Cain."

That brought an even darker blush to her cheeks.

"Oh Jimmy," she said, "He was just doing his job."

"He told me he'd be over to help replace your windows today," I informed her, "That's not just part of his job."

"Oh Emma," Joanie gushed, "He was really handsome too."

Then she remembered I was still standing there and tried to cover.

"I mean, well, um, for you because, I."

I pulled her into a hug to save her.

"As long as you ain't looking for yourself," I said, "I think I'll just let it slide this time."

We ate and then headed over to Emma's. It was hard not to notice the little whimper when she saw the house. It wasn't a fearful type of sound; just I think a little sadness at the damage that was done. I swore to myself that house would be just the way it was before by the time I was done that day.

I set to taking measurements while Joanie and Emma started sweeping up glass. Al joined me and we headed to my car to make a run to the hardware store. Before we could get there, Sam Cain pulled up to the curb.

"Jimmy," he nodded at me and I returned the gesture.

"Sam," I answered.

"How's Mrs. Shannon this morning?"

"She's much better for a good night's sleep," I said, "But if you really want to get anywhere with her, you're going to have to get on a first name basis."

He looked like he wanted to protest and then just smiled, "Is it that obvious?"

I just smiled back at him. Al decided to stay with the women and get the glass shards out of the frames so we could replace the glass when we got back.

"So how do you know Emma?" Sam asked me on the way back from the store.

"Well," I began and then wondered how to begin. I decided that trying to lie about my past wasn't going to accomplish a damned thing so I went with the God's honest truth. "I got in a lot of trouble when I was a kid and Al sort of took me under his wing, along with a bunch of my friends. Emma lives next door to Al and she just couldn't see all us kids going without supper and stuff like that. She's more my mom than my mom is."

"Is she seeing anyone these days?"

I shook my head.

"I don't think she's had anything serious since her husband died and I got the idea that was quite some time ago," I told him, "She deserves some happiness, she really does. You seem like a nice guy and I hope for her sake you are."

I paused and really thought about what I was about to say next.

"It's probably a bad idea to say this but I'm going to anyway. I'm not the only kid she took care of like she did. If you ever hurt her, you'll have to answer to us all."

I really wondered if it had been wise to say that but Emma was real special to me and he had to know that he couldn't toy with her.

"It's okay, Jimmy," he said and I knew he was talking about my fear over the threat I had just made on a police officer. "I have no plans to hurt that woman. I thought maybe I could take her to dinner and a show sometime. And I used to get in trouble when I was a kid too so you don't have to worry about that either."

"What are the chances you'll catch the guys who broke in?" I asked trying to change the subject and satisfied for the time that he wasn't playing fast and loose with Emma.

"I hate to admit it," he said, "But they aren't all that great."

"Is she in any danger?" I asked.

"It's not likely that they'd come back to the same place," he answered, "Especially since it looks like they are trying to target homes with no one home or with really sound sleepers. I still asked the boys on the night shift to drive by a few times a night and check things out and I'll stop by now and again if that's okay."

"Only if you want to," I said, "Al's right next door and during the day he and I are just at the garage on the corner. We can look after her. Don't come by and make her think things unless she'd be right in thinking them. You can tell her anything you want to but don't come by unless it's her you want to see. And she's a real proper lady too."

He looked me right in the eye and said, "I want to check on her and I want to see her. I really do. I just met her and I'm not saying I want to marry her because I just don't know but I want to see her. I won't be improper with her. I was just thinking dinner and movies and evenings spent on that porch swing of hers."

"She'd like that, I think," I said.

We pulled up to her house and got to work. Al had already gotten the window frames ready so we just had to get the panes of glass in and secure them. I'll never be a professional glazer and neither will Sam but they looked fine and the glass was secure and before Emma and Joanie even had lunch ready for us, she had her big picture window back in the front as if nothing had even happened.

"Well, Detective Cain," Emma began and was immediately cut off.

"Please just call me Sam."

"Alright Sam," and I'm pretty sure I saw a little smile as she said his name, "I appreciate you coming out and helping Jimmy with the window. Is that some new service the police department is offering these days?"

"No, ma'am," he said looking at his plate. "I just wanted to come by and help."

"How about you call me Emma instead of 'ma'am' from now on?"

There was a look passing between the two of them and we all saw it and we all understood it.

"There's a spot on that window frame I'm not sure I got secure enough," I said and headed for the living room.

"And I didn't get one of those pictures back on the wall," said Joanie.

"I guess I've about done all I can here," Al said standing up, "I think the Tigers are about to come on the radio."

Now Al was the only one who didn't lie to one extent or another. Joanie had gotten all the pictures back on the wall and that window was as secure as it was going to get but Sam and Emma needed a bit of privacy and I couldn't just leave because Emma would have felt wrong being in the house alone with a man she hardly knew. I could hear the conversation from where I was pretending to recheck my glazing work.

"Thank you for coming today, Sam," I heard Emma say.

"I was glad to help," he replied.

There was silence for a bit and I was getting a little frustrated with him. I know he liked her and wanted to ask her out. I was just starting to fear he'd chicken out but then he spoke again.

"Emma," he started cautiously, "I was wondering if I could take you to dinner tonight."

"Why Sam," Emma said as though she hadn't known the question was coming. "I think that would be lovely."

Joanie and me exchanged smiles. It was about time Emma got some happiness and started living for herself.

Sam and Emma came out of the kitchen and he headed for the door.

"I'll see you at seven then?" he confirmed before leaving and he left only after he saw her nod at him.

Once he had gone, Emma looked out the picture window after him until he had driven away. Then she turned and faced Joanie.

"What am I going to wear? I haven't been out with a gentleman in ages. What was I thinking?"

Before Joanie could speak I cut in.

"You women worry too much about things, Emma," I said, "He thinks you're pretty already; he won't care much what you're wearing."

"You say that James," Joanie retorted, "But I saw your face and watched you fumble for words when you saw me in my prom dress."

Then she turned her attention to Emma.

"I'm sure we can get you ready before seven," she said with a great big smile. "That's just oodles of time. Why don't you head up to your room and I'll be right there."

Emma started up the stairs and Joanie came over to me.

"James," she said kissing my cheek, "Let me handle this. I owe her for well, a lot of things and I'm a girl. Al would probably love some company for the game."

I just nodded. She was right, we say we don't care and on some level we don't but there are certain impressions we keep with us. And Joanie was right, the sight of her in that dress at prom was dazzling but what she doesn't know is that the way I would forever see her was wearing her little saddle shoes and what they used to call bobby socks and that crinolined skirt in a dark blue with her perfectly pressed cotton blouse and that red cardigan sweater just draped over her shoulders. She might have done all sorts of things with her hair through the years but it never looked better to me than it did in a simple pony tail tied with that red ribbon. The day I first laid eyes on her is how I would always see her, no matter what she really looked like at any time since. And I'm sure she planned that look to some extent or another but not the same way that she planned that prom look. Hell, I think as much as I liked the way she looked that first day, I still liked even more the times she was just wearing one of my t-shirts. We like when our women do themselves up but they're often even prettier with far less work put into it.

I did head over to Al's though. I had no place in helping a lady get ready for a dinner date. I knew my time that day would be far better spent cheering on Kaline and the rest.

"Did he ask her?" Al posed the question as I was climbing his porch steps.

"Yeah," I said, "He's taking her to dinner tonight. Joanie's trying to calm her nerves and help her get ready."

"Well, it's about time she started getting out," he said and then filled me in on the game to that point.

It was long about the seventh inning stretch when something occurred to me.

"Al, why didn't you ever ask Emma out?"

"Well, when she first moved in," he answered, "I was still hurting a great deal about Lucille. Emma wasn't in any shape to think about romance either. I think she took care of me because she just missed having someone to take care of. Maybe for some folks a romance would have bloomed from that but we got a healthy and respectful friendship and I'm not sure but that might be even better."

I understood what he meant. I know I thought for a while about wishing Lou was my girl but then I think it was way better to have her for a friend and it worked out she was perfect for my best friend and there was a perfect girl for me out there too.

We finished listening to the game and just sat for a while each lost in our own thoughts. Eventually Joanie and Emma made their way to Al's porch. Joanie was beaming and was obviously proud of herself and Emma was a vision. Joanie had found a real pretty flowered dress somewhere in Emma's closet where she probably had almost forgotten about it. Emma's hair was up and she had a little hat on. They called them pillbox hats and they were all the rage because Jackie Kennedy wore them a lot. And Emma was wearing little white gloves too. Her make-up was simple, I wouldn't expect anything else from Emma but it was enough to highlight her pretty eyes and the way her cheeks rounded when she smiled. I was glad I had made my case to Sam earlier. I think he was a good guy who knew a good and proper woman when he saw one but it never hurt no one to be careful.

"Emma you look beautiful," I told her.

She looked relieved hearing that. I guess there never comes a time when a first date doesn't make you nervous. Sam pulled up shortly after the women came over and he walked right up to Al's porch and he did nod to the rest of us but his eyes never left Emma. We all exchanged pleasantries and then he offered her his arm and she took it and allowed herself to be escorted to his car. She waved through the window at us and she looked scared a little but mostly she looked real happy.

* * *

><p><strong>Yeah...I just don't even know...I guess this chapter is just what it is...<strong>

**In other news, the Tigers about gave me another stroke but they won and eliminated those evil New York ballplayer people...And the Wings won their opening night so that's good. Not sure how tomorrow will go since the Tigers are starting their next series and the Wings are playing the Avalanche. We used to have quite a volitile rivalry with the Avs...it's less now but it still sometimes good for a goalie fight. **

**We've had the most delightful weather here in MI the last few days and I don't know why that doesn't seem to be making it easier to write happy things but I seem to get much more inspired when writing tragic or emotional or downright sad stuff...I've written happy before...I really have. I promise. I guess that's all I have to say right now...please let me know what you think.-J**


	28. Chapter 28

That dinner date set up the rest of the summer being a whole lot better than the start of it. Sam was a regular fixture around Emma's and I don't think I'd ever seen her smile that much before. It was good for her to be reminded that she was a woman. I mean there's not much more womanly than being a mother but she needed to know that she was still beautiful and desirable to a man. I don't know much about what makes a man handsome or anything but I have it on pretty good authority—and not just Joanie—that Sam Cain was a nice looking man.

He got along real good with all of us. Sundays when Buck and Carol brought Lisa over, you would have thought he was that girl's grandpa for the way he doted on her. He was the same with little Timmy. He even carried pictures of those kids in his wallet.

In time Joanie headed back to school. She and Sherry got themselves a little two bedroom apartment. It was tiny but the girls loved it. I think they maybe missed some of the camaraderie of the dorms. There was something nice for the girls at having so many other girls close but then I think sometimes they felt a little left out there too. Sherry wasn't as wealthy as some of the girls there and Joanie didn't have those all-American looks. She dealt with a lot of girls talking about her hair and nose and glasses behind her back. I know a lot of them said stuff about me too. Some of them kind of liked me and made comments about how she must be loose or something to have landed me and others thought I was beneath them and made comments about how she couldn't land a better guy. But most of the time I think the dorms was kind of like a big slumber party. Sure the girls were there to learn and they studied a lot but they also did a lot of doing each other's hair and stuff like that.

As much as they missed that fun stuff, Sherry and Joanie were better being just the two of them without any snide remarks.

I guess she'd been back in Ann Arbor about a week when I found myself knocking on her door. Sherry answered.

"Hey Jimmy," she smiled at me, "I'll let her know you're here."

"If she's in her room," I answered, "I'll tell her myself."

Sherry smiled wider and nodded at me. I went to Joanie's room and there she was flopped on her stomach across her bed with her feet kicked up and her nose in a book. Her glasses were on the bedspread next to her.

"You're going to give yourself a headache by not wearing your glasses."

"James," she said absently and with a mild annoyance. "You know I'm nearsighted and I can see fine to read."

I just stood there and watched her. She read a bit more and then it dawned on her and she rolled over and launched herself off the bed and right toward me.

"James!" she half yelled at me, "I wasn't expecting you!"

"I know," I said, "But I got my grades today in the mail and I wasn't brave enough to open the letter on my own."

"I'll hold your hand," she offered.

"Well, then I think I can manage it if you do that."

We sat down on her bed and I held the envelope in my hands and tried for it not to be too obvious that they were shaking. Joanie kissed me and tried to still my hands.

"Okay, I lied," I said, "I can't do this. I never cared about my grades before except for auto shop. I just don't think I can face it."

I hate admitting weakness and I hoped Joanie understood. I liked that I could be her strength and I wasn't sure that she would still see me that way knowing I was scared of a little piece of paper.

Joanie just put an arm around me and pried the envelope loose with her other hand.

"Let me," she whispered.

I heard the paper tearing and then felt her arms wrap around me.

"I am so proud of you," she said, "I was before that you'd even try this after the way things went for you as a kid but this…this is just incredible. A three point. That's a B average, James."

I might've answered her but there were lips over mine and I sort of forgot what I might've been thinking about saying. And when Joanie pushed me back on the bed and straddled me without ever stopping kissing me, I even forgot about the still open door and the roommate in the next room. Joanie didn't forget any of that though and she sat up smiling at me.

"If that's what I get for a B average," I said once I caught my breath. "What happens if I get straight A's?"

"Maybe next semester you should try it to find out," she said with that glint in her eye.

I was about to pull her back to me but she rolled off and left me grasping at air.

"We should celebrate," she said, "Dinner, on me."

I started to protest but my Joanie wasn't going to have my argument especially since my arguments would have all been how my girl wasn't going to pay for my dinner and those kinds of arguments didn't sit well with a woman like Joanie. I just shut my mouth and watched as she settled her glasses back on her face and slid into her penny loafers.

"Let's go," she said.

I followed her. We passed Sherry on our way to the door.

"Am I eating alone?" Sherry asked trying to sound like she hadn't suspected that would be the case all along.

"Sorry, Sher," Joanie said, "I just can't resist dining out with my fabulously intelligent boyfriend."

"Just remember to tear yourself away from his, uh, brain in time to get some sleep," Sherry said and I think it was the first time I noticed that all women are prone to that mischievous look. "Your chem. class is at eight and you're not exactly a morning person."

We headed off and for some reason I think I felt a little self conscious.

"What was that about?" I asked.

"What?"

"Oh we are way past where you can play innocent with me sweetheart," I said climbing into the passenger seat of the 'Vette. "What was that look your roommate just gave me?"

"Oh you know how girls are," she said dismissing it all, "We talk."

"Great," I said, "It's so very nice to know that your roommate thinks I'm a sex fiend."

Joanie laughed, "She doesn't. She thinks I am."

I know I probably looked at her shocked.

"You haven't figured out yet how sexy you are to me?"

I couldn't even answer. I guess I knew then how Joanie felt when I told her how beautiful she was or the things she did to me with just a smile. I'm not insecure about how I look or anything but it was just strange to think that maybe I had the same effect on her she had on me.

"So," I said, "Where are we going?"

She really laughed at me then.

"Forget Sherry's suspicious look. We're really going to dinner and I do have to make it an early night because I do really have chem. at what seems like the very crack of dawn. I can't afford to be late; chemistry was never my strong suit. You don't even want to know what I put myself through to get through it in high school."

"Get through?" I asked, "You graduated high school with a four point which means you aced it."

"I did but I didn't sleep at all that year," she said, "I even got a tutor and stayed after school to get extra credit labs. I thought chemistry would kill me."

"And we're celebrating a measly little three point?" I asked her.

"James," she said, "You worked so hard and you did it without a tutor and a mom who's a teacher. Besides, I didn't do that great my first semester at college, remember?"

"Joanie, you pulled a 3.4 your first semester," I reminded her.

"Only four tenths of a point," she pointed out, "And I had last been in a classroom only three months before. You'd been out of school for, what…three years? That's a lot harder."

"And you're going to U of M and I'm going to night classes at the community college," I countered.

"And working full time," she reminded me. I'm going to pause to offer some advice here. Do not argue with the daughter of a lawyer. They learn from professionals and her dad was really good at what he did.

I thought to argue more but I had no more points to make. I still thought she was smarter than me and I always will.

"James, please stop trying to put yourself down," she said and there was hurt in her voice. "I'm proud of you for even going back to school and really I would have been proud of you if you hadn't. The way you look after Emma and the way you are always there for your friends; I am always proud of you. It hurts me when people say mean things about you and I console myself with the knowledge that they don't know you. When you say those things it nearly kills me. Please don't keep putting down the man I love."

I had never thought of it like that. I knew it bothered me a great deal when she called herself ugly or made comments about her nose or wanting to straighten her hair or said she couldn't do something that I knew she could. It made me angry and it wasn't until she told me how this made her feel that I understood I was angry at her for insulting the woman I loved.

"I'm sorry, Joanie," I said, "I never meant to hurt you. I didn't think."

"I shouldn't have gotten upset with you," she said, "We're celebrating."

We had a nice dinner and then, when we were leaving the restaurant, things got different. We got outside the door and Joanie sucked in her breath and gripped my arm hard enough to leave marks and I could see her looking frantically around.

"Honey, what's the matter?" I asked.

She didn't get a chance to say anything at all before a man walked up to us with a look on his face I didn't like one bit.

"Joanie," he said and his voice oozed with something that made my skin crawl. I wanted to punch him for his tone and the look I had figured out was leering at my girl. "Long time no see."

He looked as though he'd try for a hug with her but I pulled her tighter to me and made it impossible for him to do much more than offer a hand to shake. I felt Joanie cringe as his fingers touched hers.

"Stan," Joanie said fighting to keep her voice level. I could hear how shrill it was threatening to become and I tightened my grip on her to remind her she wasn't alone. "It's nice to see you. This is my fiancé, James Hickok."

I think I did a good enough job of hiding my shock at how she chose to introduce me. Truth was I wanted to be her fiancé and even more than that.

"James, this is Stan Klein. We went to school together."

I offered my hand although I really wanted to punch this guy out.

"Your fiancé, eh?" he said looking me over before turning his leering eyes back to my girl. "So when's the big day?"

He looked at me and not her so I answered and hoped I wasn't talking out of turn. I wasn't in charge of this fake engagement.

"When this brilliant woman finishes her schooling," I said beaming at her and kissing her temple.

"That's a long engagement," he said.

"The best things in life are worth waiting for," I said and then I couldn't stand one more second of that man checking out my girl's breasts. "It was nice to meet you, Stan but we really must be moving along."

I ushered Joanie past this creep and I just knew he was even without her explanation which I knew there was plenty of time for later. I just had to get her away from him. Aside from my own territorial nature which may or may not be the evolved kind of man that Joanie usually wanted, I could tell from her tense body against mine that this Stan person made her very uncomfortable.

I waited until we got into her car before I said anything at all.

"Who was that?"

"Just some guy I knew," she said.

"Joanie, please don't lie to me," I said, "I don't mind lying for you like I just did but I'd like to know why I was."

"It wasn't really a lie," she defended, "I mean we're going to get married sometime aren't we?"

"That's my plan," I told her, "But you don't introduce me like that to anyone else. And he was giving me a weird feeling."

"I used to date him," she said softly.

"What on earth possessed you to go out with that creep?"

"He asked and so few others did and I was younger then," she said like she was trying to explain it to herself along with explaining it to me. "He was a senior and I was a sophomore."

"Joanie pull the car over."

She looked scared like I was asking so I could run away which was just silly because having bad taste in previous dates isn't exactly a reason to leave someone.

"Sweetheart," I said, "Please look at me."

She looked up and I could see she looked almost sick.

"Please don't leave me," she pleaded.

"Why would I leave you?" I asked. "I just want to know what you're not telling me. So you went out with a jerk once, there's got to be more to this story."

"It was more than once," she said like she was ashamed. "He was my boyfriend. I was really insecure then, worse than now. I know it's hard to imagine. He told me I was ugly and I was already most of the way to believing it before he came along anyway. I thought I couldn't do better. He made me think I couldn't do better and then to keep him around…"

I had a pretty good idea the kinds of things he wanted from her in exchange for sticking around. I knew one thing he hadn't succeeded in getting her to do but there's a lot he could have gotten from her and still left her intact. I just pulled her to me and held her.

"It's okay," I told her and it was. Hell, if she hadn't been a virgin when we met, I wouldn't have cared at all. It's not like I was. "You somehow figured out he wasn't worth it."

"He broke up with me because I wouldn't, wouldn't…"

"He didn't deserve it," I said, "I'm glad you'd let him break it off before you did what you didn't want to."

"I did do things I didn't want to," she said and I guess a part of me knew that. "If I hadn't been so afraid of getting pregnant and too shy to demand he use a condom, well, those are the things that kept it from happening. I hate who I was then. I was so weak."

Right about then I wanted to go back to the restaurant and go after the guy but then I thought of things I had done and said to get some girl to put out. I don't think I have ever acted quite that creepy or entitled to a woman like he did but I lied about the feelings I had for her and manipulated things. I don't think I ever told a girl she wasn't pretty and that she'd have to go all the way or I'd break up with her. That was pretty cold. I usually found it more effective to tell a girl she was beautiful but still, I'm sure I got a few girls to do things they didn't want to do and more than a couple of them probably regretted it and hated themselves for being that weak. I know I would've brought up the issue of rubbers though. I was in enough trouble usually that some girl coming and telling me she was knocked up was about the last thing at all that I needed. All I could do was hold her while she cried. Seemed I wasn't the only one of us who was reinventing himself. I decided that reinvention might just be helpful.

"Joanie, sweetie," I said to her real soft and gentle. "You weren't that weak when I met you. How'd you get that confidence?"

"After Stan broke up with me," she began, "I kind of dropped out of dating or even wanting to date for a while and just threw myself into school. Then, I don't know what it was but something about seeing my grades that high and knowing that I had earned every one of them just seemed to make all the bad things he told me about myself go away. And I had Aaron." She cried even harder when his name was brought up. We still hadn't seen him though there was talk that Mr. Shapiro would be bringing him home soon.

"Aaron always made me feel pretty," she said, "Not like he wanted to ask me out and I didn't understand at first but it was more like all the girls who looked down on me for not begging for a nose job and not ironing my hair got silenced by him, at least in my head. He told me I was pretty and helped me figure out what to wear. You should thank him, I was going to go with a very different prom dress but he made darned sure I got that blue one. He said it was better for my coloring and set off my eyes."

"He was right," I said. I couldn't wait for him to get home either. I needed to thank him or some things and the prom dress was pretty far down the list. I wanted to tell Joanie not to think about Stan and not let him upset her like that. She had moved on and done better for herself than that jerk probably had but I knew that being confronted with a person you used to be and didn't like can be tough.

"I know it hurts you to think about how you were with him," I said, "But I wish you'd think instead of how you've gotten past it. Look at you now on the Dean's List of U of M and helping at the community center and you've got a boyfriend who loves you and not just for sex. I love you, Joanie. And I guess a lot of the reason I love you is because you're the one who helped me be something besides the person I used to be who I didn't like so much. Then you don't let me beat myself up over who I used to be and make me focus on who I am."

I tilted her head up to look me in the face. I could see a realization dawning in those big brown eyes even behind the tear stained glasses.

"I can't let you go beating yourself up either," I told her, "That Joanie was young and didn't know better but you're not her anymore and you can't beat yourself up for being young."

I wasn't ready for her to kiss me and certainly not the way she did but I got over that pretty fast. When she pulled away she had that look in her eye and I wanted to suggest we go to my place but I knew we couldn't. She didn't say anything for most of the way back to her apartment. In fact, we were almost all the way there when she spoke. It was kind of okay though because I was just catching my breath by that point and settling down other parts of my body as well.

"I'll see you this weekend, right?" she asked like she really had doubts.

"I hope to God so," I answered, "You sort of got something started I'd really like to finish. Besides, my place feels kind of empty when it's just me. It's so much nicer when I can look up from my studying and see my gorgeous, incredibly smart girlfriend buried in a pile of books too."

We got out of her car and she kissed me once more and she wasn't letting up on the intensity. Once she knew she'd gotten the response she wanted, she pulled back and smiled at me.

"I'll see you Friday. Hold that thought."

Yeah I held that thought all right. I held it until I got home and could do something about it myself. Don't worry though, that thought was more than ready for a comeback when Joanie came over Friday.

* * *

><p><strong>Stan is yucky. Guess now we know how that sweet little boy grin snagged Joanie in the first place. He had to be refreshing after Jerkface Stan.<strong>

**So as of yesterday I have been married 18 yrs and that is consecutively and to the same man. 18 yrs sounds like a long time but it doesn't seem all that long at all. **

**Well, I can't think of anything else to say about this one. Just let me know what you think good or bad.-J**


	29. Chapter 29

Me and Joanie had been together over a year at that point and you get to know a person pretty good in that amount of time. At least you ought to. Anyway, there was something different about her after we had that night out. She was distant in a way that Joanie usually wasn't. She was quiet which was also something my Joanie was rarely accused of. I don't know how else to describe it but there was something not right. I noticed it first when she came over that Friday. She still wanted me but it was strange. It's the first time I ever felt she was having sex with me out of obligation. It still felt like she wanted me but there was that distance. Any other time Joanie was with me, she was really with me. That night and for a while after that night too, it looked like there was about a million different things on her mind. I tried everything I knew, every place I knew to touch her but she just wasn't enjoying herself. Afterward she just rolled over and went to sleep without saying a word. I know most guys aren't big talkers after sex and I guess I'm no different but usually Joanie was sort of energized by it and would cuddle up close to me and talk on and on and it was sort of comforting. She didn't care if I talked or even if I was hearing it all as long as I held her and let her talk. That night it was just too quiet. I thought maybe bringing up things she'd done with Stan that she didn't want to do made her feel disgusted by me but then it seemed more like she was disgusted with herself. The next day and for weeks after I tried to get her to talk about whatever was bothering her but she kept insisting nothing was.

I did see her smile once during that time and that was when Aaron came home. We went to visit him and he looked like hell but he was smiling. I think it was a smile anyway. His face was still pretty swollen but I guess when you get a broken jaw and all the beating he did, it takes a while for the swelling to go down. His mouth wasn't wired shut like I guess it had been and his legs which had been broken in a bunch of places were out of the casts. He still was using crutches and after that he used a cane for a real long time. He pulled it off though and made it look what Joanie called jaunty.

Joanie ran to him and then looked unsure of if she should hug him.

"I won't break, Joanie," he said to her, "Not from a hug. They already tried to break me with far worse."

She did hug him and clung to him for a bit. If she hugged any other man with that much love and desperation except for maybe her dad, I'd have been pretty sore but I knew how much Aaron meant to her. And I knew that even if she wanted him, she couldn't have him. Of course about then I was wondering if maybe that was a draw to her because she sure didn't seem to want me that way anymore. I won't say we never did it but it was few and far between and more often, Joanie went back to her apartment before I could even think about getting frisky.

At least seeing him made her smile some. I didn't realize how much I had missed her smile until I saw it then. I went over to Aaron after she let go of him and I think he was surprised when I hugged him too. I felt strange about it knowing the way Judy said he'd been eying me New Year's Eve but I was glad to see him in something close to one piece and I was grateful he'd brought the light back to my Joanie's eyes.

"It's good to have you back, man," I said and I meant it, I really did. I was really proud of him. Yeah I know I got mad when Joanie was crying hysterically but I wasn't really ever mad at him, just upset to see her hurting. I don't know if I would have had the guts to do what he did at that time. I got plenty of chances to prove my mettle as time marched on but at that point, I don't think I was near as brave as Aaron was. I agreed with what he did but I don't know if I could have risked my life for it like he did.

We talked for a while in his living room about all sorts of things. Joanie filled him in on the kids they went to school with, which were married and which had broken up and he told us what the rides was like. How most of the time it was like being by a campfire at the cabin with everyone singing these great protest songs. He said that when they was in jail they kept singing. They sang "We Shall Overcome" and "If I had a Hammer" and lots more too and the guards all yelled for them to stop singing but they sang louder and then they threatened to take their mattresses. But those kids just kept singing and when the guards did take their mattresses and they were left with only bare metal cots for sleeping, they still sang and they sang all the louder. Now that's a protest. You can have all the signs and fancy speakers you want but getting the better of your opponent by just singing about love and peace, well that's brilliant. He said the singing wasn't even as much about protesting as it was about confirming to themselves that their friends, their brothers and sisters were still in the next cell. It was their hope that they'd make it through.

Aaron said even in the hospital, he would hum to himself and know that the rest were still out there finishing the work and what he went through would be worth it. A lot of people might call a homosexual man a sissy or something else that implies he's weak or cowardly but that's one of those stereotypes that just aren't so. It wasn't the only time in his life that Aaron Shapiro would get beat up. It wasn't even the worst beating. I know I'm getting ahead of myself but you need to understand that just being Aaron was something that required more bravery than I'd ever possess.

Joanie's distance continued and I kept trying to pry at her to get at what was bugging her. And she kept pushing me away. One day I was at her apartment. Sherry was still at class so we had the place to ourselves. Now I didn't go there looking for a wild time or anything. I just was missing my girl. I missed talking to her and just sitting and reading together or whatever. It never would have been the first thought on her mind that I would have come over just for that, what I think the kids today refer to as a "booty call". But that day she seemed to think that was my only purpose in life and about half her body language said that she wanted it too but then every time she'd get close to me she'd look almost sick. I remember we was standing in her kitchen and she was getting us some coffee and I brushed her arm. I didn't do it on purpose but she recoiled from me like I had burned her.

"Joanie," I started and I tried real hard to not sound as frustrated as I was and I mean frustrated in every way. I was so tired of not knowing what was wrong and wondering if I had done something and then when a man goes from pretty regular sex to nothing or near to nothing all of a sudden, but he still sees the girl who used to, well, you get the idea. It just had me tied up in knots. It's not like I couldn't handle part of the need on my own, I still had two hands but not being close to her, not being able to hold her, not feeling her lips against mine, well, I thought it might just kill me. "Please tell me what's wrong."

"There's nothing wrong," she snapped at me, "Why should there be and why do you think there's something wrong with me? Why does it have to be me that has something wrong? Maybe there's something wrong with you."

"I only meant."

She cut me off, "Look, this is me and this is us and if you don't want it, if you don't want me, then leave!"

A part of me did want to leave, actually. This had become a miserable thing to be involved in but then a part of me knew that somehow this wasn't my Joanie anymore and if I could just find her again that things would be good for us. Of course I'm a guy and not so good at putting my feelings to words so nothing that well thought though came out of my mouth.

"You'd like that wouldn't you?" I yelled back, "You've been trying to push me away and punish me for something and you still won't tell me what I did wrong. If you want me gone, then say so!"

"Get the hell out!" she screamed at me, "Get out!"

Yeah, I handled that really well, didn't I? Nice one Hickok, I mean she was obviously torn up about something and I yelled at her. I know you can point out she started the yelling but Joanie could be a yeller sometimes and it didn't usually mean anything. I stormed out and slammed the door on my way. I passed Sherry in the hall and she smiled at me. I didn't return it and she just sort of looked after me.

Two days passed and I didn't hear anything from Joanie. I figured it was over for sure. Al tried to talk to me and we damned near came to blows in the middle of the shop. Emma brought soup over to my place and I snapped at her. She pretended it didn't hurt her when I did that and still told me that Joanie'd come around. I spent those days working like a madman and the nights staring at Joanie's picture sometimes I yelled at her and sometimes I cried and begged her to take me back. Yeah, to her picture, you heard right. Love does that to you.

The phone rang about two in the morning and I was worried. I guess my first thought was something was wrong with Joanie but then I thought that I wouldn't be the one getting that call anymore. So I started wondering about the rest of the people I loved. Surely Emma would call Sam if something happened and I knew Buck would call Ike before me and Ike would call Buck. I wondered if Al was okay.

"Hello."

"Jimmy, it's me, Sherry."

I might have argued that it was over and that's the way Joanie wanted it but Sherry was crying and I might have mentioned before but I don't do well when women cry.

"Are you alright, Sherry?"

"I don't know where Joanie is," she said, "She should have been home hours ago."

"Why are you calling me?"

"Please don't be as stubborn as she is," she pleaded with me, "She still loves you. God you two are perfect for each other and you know it."

"She kicked me out, remember?" I asked trying to block my worry over knowing it was that late and Joanie wasn't home.

"Besides," I said, "She probably just went home or maybe she's got a new boyfriend now."

"She doesn't have a new boyfriend and she wouldn't go home in the middle of the week. She has that chemistry class first thing and she wouldn't set herself up for the drive that early in the morning."

I sighed, "I'll be right there."

I hung up and pulled on a pair of Levi's and headed to Ann Arbor. I was barely out of my car when Sherry ran up to me.

"Thank God you came," she said, "I couldn't bring myself to call her dad. His own father has been ill and I don't think he could handle this."

"Zaydeh Cohen is sick?"

Maybe that's what had been bothering Joanie. But that couldn't be because she would have told me if it was something as simple as her grandfather being sick.

Sherry nodded sadly.

"It's been tough on her with that and your fight the other day and then everything else."

I grabbed her shoulder and spun her toward me.

"I'd never ask you to betray her confidence," I said, "But I need to know what the everything else is. She wouldn't talk to me."

"Stan," she said.

"What about Stan?"

"Walk with me," she began walking again and talking. "He started following her and calling and saying how he knew what they had was real and that she shouldn't be with a lowlife. Sorry."

"It's okay," I said.

"Well, he said she could do better and he was the better and since she'd obviously gotten over her fear of sex that there was nothing to stop them. He'd tell her that you were just using her and you wouldn't really marry her and he noticed there was no ring on her hand so either your proposal wasn't serious or you were too poor to even get her an engagement ring. He would talk about the huge diamond he would buy her and then he would go into some pretty strong detail about how they'd spend their nights."

"She never said a word," I said not believing that she'd been putting up with all of this.

"It got real bad. I guess it was a couple of days before your fight. He was waiting outside our building when she came home from classes and he grabbed her and kissed her. She got away from him but she was pretty upset."

We were on campus by this time and I was torn between finding that creep and finding Joanie. I decided I'd rather know Joanie was safe than punch that jerk though I really did want to punch him and hard.

"Where could she be?" I asked Sherry.

"She said she was going to the library so I guess we can start there. It's closed but maybe we can figure out where she went."

I nodded and followed along. As we got close to the building I heard something. It was a tiny sound but it sounded like crying. I signaled for Sherry to go over to the bushes with me and there she was hiding with her knees pulled tight to her chest. I crouched down and reached toward her. I noticed one of her eyes was swollen and it was hard to tell in the moonlight but it looked like it was darkening as well. She pulled back from me with a whimper.

"Joanie," I said afraid that even my voice would frighten her but she just looked up at me as if noticing there was someone there.

"James?" she said and then the white knuckle grip she'd had around her knees was transferred to me. I know this might sound wrong of me to say given the circumstances but it felt good on some level to still be her safety net.

"I'm here, babe," I said, "I'm here."

She cried and cried and I knew better than to try to get her to talk to me. She pulled back a little and tried to dry her eyes and smooth her hair. I looked her over to see how bad of shape she was in and it was then I saw her torn panties still hooked around one ankle. She followed my eyes and tried to tuck that foot under her but I put my hand on her leg before she could.

"Did he…?" I couldn't even finish but I had a really bad feeling. She shook her head.

"I stopped him," she said and I think I saw a little pride in her at that. I heard a sigh of relief from behind me and then remembered that Sherry was still there. I took what was left of the panties off her ankle and tucked them into my jacket pocket. Then I stood up and picked her up and carried her as someday I hoped to carry her over a threshold. I nodded to Sherry and headed back toward their apartment.

"Jimmy," Sherry said to me, "It's a ways back to our place. Wouldn't you rather I run back and get your car or something? Or I could sit with her."

"I can't leave her," I said, "And I can't send you with a maniac roaming around campus. You shouldn't ever be walking campus alone at night, either one of you."

I'll tell you now that I sent my girls, every one of them, my daughters and granddaughters alike, off to college with a switchblade and mace. God help any dumbass frat boy who thought one of my girls was an easy mark.

It was a ways back to their place but I didn't much care. I was too upset to notice if I got tired but I was grateful when we finally got to the building. I carried her up the stairs and into her room. I left her for just a moment to get her some water and I met Sherry heading for her room.

"Thank you for calling," I said, "I'm sorry I was such a jerk at first."

"I knew you'd come," she answered, "You've never let her down."

"Neither have you," I told her.

I got back to Joanie's room and closed the door behind me. She was curled into the tiniest ball she could manage. I crouched down next to the bed to get on her eye level. Yeah she was going to have a shiner the next day.

"Joanie," I said softly, "I need you to be honest with me. This is real important and none of it's your fault either way. Are you sure he didn't, uh, get inside?"

Nice way to put it, damn sometimes I wonder about myself.

"I'm sure," she said softly, "I kicked him. I kicked him there. And he got even madder and he tried to kiss me and I bit him. I'm pretty sure he looks worse than me."

"Well, he never was as pretty as you," I said and I stood and went to her dresser and pulled out a fresh pair of panties and some pajamas.

"I'll get you a towel if you want a shower," I told her and she nodded.

"I don't want to be alone," she said.

"I'll be right here."

"I mean, at all," she said.

She looked down at her feet like she was embarrassed but I followed her into the bathroom and sat on the toilet lid while she peeled off her blouse that was nearly as torn as her panties. She just threw it in the wastebasket. There wasn't going to be any fixing that. I could see the glint of gold around her neck as she reached around behind herself to unclasp her bra. She looked at me sort of timid and I asked her if she wanted me to look away. She pulled her bra off and shook her head before peeling off her skirt and putting both skirt and bra in the hamper. She turned to get into the shower which was starting to steam by that time but I stopped her and took note of the bruises on her legs and stomach and around her ribs. There were distinct finger marks on her neck and teeth marks near one breast. I had seen that woman stand before me completely naked countless times before and every single time there was some response from below my waist but that night all I could feel was rage at him. She got into the tub and I could see her silhouette through the curtain. Okay, I have to admit the blood started flowing south watching that but there was no way I was going to touch her like that on that night. She'd be running the show entirely for when things like that resumed. In time, she turned off the water and I stood next to the tub holding the towel for her. I wrapped it around her and held tight to her as she made her way back to her room. She got dressed in her nightclothes and I stripped to my skivvies and we both crawled under the blankets. I pulled her close to me and held her tight while she slept. I might have slept a little too but I can't be sure.

* * *

><p><strong>Well, the story I told about jailed Freedom Riders singing in jail is true. The songs were their strength and their hope. <strong>

**Oh there's going to be some fallout from the events in this chapter and I wonder how this is going to shake out. Hmmm...well, I guess we'll find out next time boys and girls. Oh what does it say about me that I get more energized when there is this kind of drama and angst going on? Wait, don't answer that. I don't want to know.**

**So in other news, the Red Wings are undefeated. Of course they've only played two games but still they won both of them decisively. And the Lions are undefeated. 5-0 for the frist time since 1956. That's 55 years for those too lazy to do the math. I don't have to do the math because hubby is 55 and was born in 1956 so there. Now if the Tigers can get those bats going so we could get to the World Series. Oh please, oh please...we are limping along with injuries to some key guys and perhaps one more bad injury just occurring. **

**So that's all. Just another week in the life of someone trying desperately to avoid real life and her obligations as banshee mama. Love yous guys (read with Brooklyn accent)-J**


	30. Chapter 30

I guess I did sleep because I woke up to Joanie struggling against me.

"Let go."

I did immediately thinking that she maybe thought I was hurting her or wasn't all awake yet or something. She sprang out of the bed and started pulling clothes out of her dresser and closet.

"I am going to be so late. I can't miss this class."

"Joanie," I said getting up and tugging my jeans back on. "You need to rest right now, honey."

She just kept trying to get dressed and winced a few times when she moved. He really did a number on her. I left the room and found Sherry in the kitchen.

"Can she make up for missing today?" I asked.

"Thursday class," she answered thinking, "Dr. Helvey just does lecture on Thursdays so as long as she has someone she can get notes from and I know she does because they have a study group, she should be fine. I can help her with anything she doesn't understand. I aced that class last year."

I went back in the room to see Joanie sitting in front of her dresser looking into the mirror attached to the top of it and crying. It looked like she had tried to cover her eye with makeup but had little luck.

"Stay home," I said, "I'll call Al and stay with you."

"You can't miss work," she said.

"Yeah I can actually."

I hardly ever called off work in fact I had only ever called off once before and I was running a pretty high fever when I'd done it and I worked through my lunch a lot of days. Stuff like that earns you a lot of leeway with a boss, especially when you work for a guy like Al Hunter. I called and told him that there was an emergency and I needed to stay with Joanie and I'd fill him in later. He sounded worried but he didn't ask questions.

Joanie came out of her room and into the kitchen as I was hanging up the phone.

"Al sends his love and this," I said as I hugged her. She smiled but it wasn't a real smile.

I got her to sit and then I made some coffee and exhausted my cooking abilities with toast and eggs. I sat across from her.

"It was Stan, wasn't it?" I asked.

"Yes."

"Sweetie," I said as soft as I could. "Why didn't you tell me about all of this?"

She looked at her plate and seemed perfectly content to just push her eggs around with the corner of her toast.

"Things make sense now," I said, "I thought maybe you were thinking about breaking up with me or something. But he was trying to make you feel bad about yourself again. I guess maybe it was working a little."

She looked up at me then and just stared at my face for what seemed like forever.

"You could've told me still though," I went on, "He's a creep. He's no better than my dad no matter what grades he gets or what kind of car he drives. You really could have told me."

"Please don't be mad at me," she said.

"What on earth could I be mad at you for?"

"I was afraid to tell you," she said, "Afraid of how you'd react. Afraid you'd find out everything I did with him. Afraid you'd do something to him you couldn't take back and I'd lose you."

"I'll admit," I told her, "I'd love nothing more than to beat the snot out of him right now. Actually I'd love to kill him but I know what I stand to lose and I won't do anything that might take me away from you. As far as what you did, what he made you do; I have a pretty good idea."

I could see her cringe at that. I think maybe on some level she knew that I had been around the block enough times to know what all a man and woman can do without doing that. I didn't like the idea that anyone touched Joanie like that before me but what bothered me more was that I knew she hadn't wanted to.

"I'm so disgusting," she said.

"I don't think so," I told her.

"You need to look closer then," she said as she stood up and right there in the kitchen dropped her skirt and pulled her top over her head so she was just standing there in her bra and panties. "See this?" she pointed to the bruises on her ribs and the ones high on the insides of her thighs. "And these?" and she lifted her chin so I could see those finger marks.

"This is what I am, James! This!" and she pointed last to the teeth marks on her breast.

Given her state of undress and what she'd just been through I wasn't sure it was right to touch her, much less do what I was about to do but I didn't know how else to go about this. I crossed over to her and first kissed her swollen eye. I got on my knees in front of her and placed a kiss on each bruise on her stomach and ribs and then I stood and kissed all ten little bruises on her neck. Finally I gently kissed where that jerk had bitten her. She stood completely still as I did all this but I could hear her cry a bit more with each kiss I placed on her body. When I had finished I looked her in the eye and in true Joanie form she held my gaze though I'm not sure she saw me at all through her tears.

"You aren't wrong a whole lot," I said never wavering from her eyes. "But this time you are. You are not these bruises. You are not the things you did before you met me. You are not a pair of ripped panties or a torn blouse. Those are things that were done to you, things that happened to you but they aren't you. I told you what my dad did to me. I looked worse than you but I wasn't those cracked ribs or that broken arm."

And then she crumbled. Have you ever seen footage of a building being imploded? It was like that, like whatever was inside of her that was holding her up was just gone. I tried to catch her but I was too slow and she just crumbled to the floor. I sank to the floor next to her and held tight while she cried and hit at me.

"Why do you bother? I am so horrible. I brought this on myself. Just look at me now, I just drop my clothes."

"You sound like Bubbe Goldman talking," I said.

"Well, maybe she's right," she said, "Maybe if I acted right then I wouldn't have these things happen to me."

"This was not your fault," I said softly to her.

"Screw you."

"This was not your fault," I said again.

"Shut the hell up!"

"This was not your fault," it was becoming like a mantra to me and I think I was using the words as much to calm me as to get through to her.

"Stop it."

"This is not your fault."

"Damn you!" she yelled, "Stop saying that!"

"This was not your fault."

"Stop," she said through her choking tears and I was sure I was getting through to her at that point.

"This was not your fault."

She didn't say anything else, just clung to me and cried. I pulled her onto my lap and there we sat for so long I don't even know how long it was. I'm sure we were a sight but Sherry had a full day of classes and labs so there wasn't anyone to see. But there I was in my jeans and t-shirt holding tight to this woman in her under things on my lap just rocking her and rubbing her back while she cried. Part of me still wanted to kill him or at least kick the crap out of him but the most important thing I could do for everyone was what I was doing which was taking care of my sweet Joanie.

Now it might have seemed we sat there forever or something close to it but she did eventually stop crying and look up at me.

"I'm sorry I didn't tell you what was happening," she said.

"I wish you had," I confessed, "But I know you were trying to handle it in your own way."

I kissed her nose and then said, "Now would you please put your clothes back on before your roommate gets home and thinks the worst of me?"

She laughed at that, a real laugh. But she did stand up and grabbed her clothes off the floor and then headed into her room. I followed to make sure she was alright. She pulled a pair of jeans out of a drawer and then a t-shirt. They were baggy on her and I wasn't sure if she was putting on baggy clothes because she was afraid of looking too feminine-I understand that some women are like that after something like what happened to Joanie-or if the bruises just made her other clothes more uncomfortable. Either way, I didn't care. I knew what her body looked like and that I could wait until she was ready to offer it to me again.

"The day is yours," I said, "What do you want to do now?"

"I think I just want to lie down and read," she answered, "You don't have to stay unless you want to. I'm horrible company right now."

"I don't want to leave you alone," I said, "And I always want to stay. I'm only leaving if that's what you really want me to do."

She smiled at me, "I didn't really want you to go even when I screamed at you to leave."

"I know that now," I told her.

We settled onto her bed and she hauled out some textbook that she needed to catch up reading in and I pulled something off her shelf just to keep me busy. As I read, I absentmindedly twirled my fingers in her hair and soon I could hear her deep even breathing that told me she was sleeping. I knew she needed that more than she needed to get that reading done. It had been after three when I got her to sleep and we were up by seven and then there was all the crying she had done that morning. My sweet girl was just all tuckered out. I rolled toward her thinking that sleep sounded like a darned good idea too and we napped like that for a few hours. Sometimes there is just nothing better than falling asleep with the person you love safe in your arms. I knew at least in that moment that no one was going to hurt her.

We woke from our nap and Joanie just cuddled deeper into my arms pressing her head into my chest. I was finally getting past the panic that had seized me when Sherry had called me the night before. I finally knew she was safe even if she wasn't all okay. At least she could be okay.

"I'm here," I said knowing that somehow that brought her comfort. "I've got you. You're safe."

"I was so scared," she whispered.

"I know you were," I said and I did know. Stan wasn't that big of a guy but he was bigger than her and if he came out of nowhere like I was sure a coward like him would, she wouldn't have had much chance. She fought and I was proud of her but I've been jumped a few times and you aren't fighting from anything other than confusion and panic.

"I don't just mean last night," she explained, "I mean the last few weeks. I was scared of him and that he'd try to do what he did but then I was scared of you and for you and I don't know."

Her words all came out in a rush and it took a minute for me to understand all she said.

"Scared of me?" I asked, "You mean scared of what I might do to him?"

She shook her head against me and cried even harder. I was hurt and a little mad but I was learning a lot about how to deal with people, especially female people so I pushed all that down and spoke calmly.

"Why were you scared of me?"

She shook her head again and I wanted to yell at her that she couldn't say something like that and just clam up but I knew that wouldn't do a bit of good. I told you I was learning. I took a deep breath and tried to remember that she was in my arms and so she must have gotten over her fear.

"Please," I nearly begged, "I need to know this."

She pushed away from me to sit up on the bed. I hated the empty feel of not holding her but I sat up too and just looked at her and waited. She took a deep breath and opened her mouth and then closed it again and started all over. I don't know how many times she tried to start saying what she needed to say but finally she got words to come out.

"I was afraid you'd be angry at me. I was scared you'd wonder why some of the things I did with him, I don't do with you and I was afraid you'd want me to," she paused and collected herself once more and I just stayed quiet. Staying quiet is an important skill and I wasn't good at it then and some will say I'm still not but I do know most of the time when I should keep my mouth shut.

"I thought you might not want me or that you'd think I was a floozy. And I guess I knew this was wrong but a part of me thought you'd become like him. I know you wouldn't but I was so scared, even getting a hug from daddy made me feel creepy."

"You know I won't hurt you, right?"

She nodded and then spoke once more, "And I was afraid of this."

"What do you mean by 'this'?"

"This being uncomfortable and you afraid to touch me; I thought when you kissed my body this morning that I was wrong and there wouldn't be the awkwardness. But here it is. You're so careful when you touch me I'm not even sure if you're afraid I'll break or too scared yourself to get dirty by touching someone like me."

"The first one," I said guiltily.

"I don't need your pity any more than you needed mine."

I don't know what possessed me to do what I did then and if I had thought about it, I would have thought better of it. I took her face in my hands and kissed her. I know the last guy who stuck his tongue in her mouth uninvited got bit for it but I took that chance. Her eyes flew open for a moment and I know because I was peeking to see if I was about to get bit or kicked somewhere sensitive but then she closed them and kissed me back. Well, at that point I let my desires take over. I still could have and would have stopped if she'd said to or even acted like she wanted me to. I did keep watching her face and a couple of times I thought I saw fear there but then she would pull me toward her and urge me on.

Afterward I wanted to ask if she was okay but I had a hunch that would make her think of the awkwardness again.

"I missed you," I said, "I missed that."

"Me too," she said and I heard the waver in her voice.

I, of course jumped to the wrong conclusion. "Was it too soon? Did I hurt you?"

"No," she said and I thought I might be in trouble but she didn't seem to mind me being a little worried. "This is just the most normal I have felt in weeks."

"So you're not scared of me anymore?"

"No," she said and kissed me, "I would say I am safe as a kitten right where I am."

We lay that way for a while just feeling good remembering how nice it was to feel our bodies so close together.

"Do you still have dinner at Emma's on Thursdays?" she asked.

"Yeah," I replied.

"Do you think she'd mind an extra at the table?"

"Honey," I said smiling at her and running my fingers up her back feeling the goose bumps that formed at the touch. "You're not an extra, you're a bonus. I think she'd love another woman there."

She got up and collected her clothes but traded the jeans for a simple skirt and the loose fitting shirt for a blouse. I watched as she quickly ran a brush through her hair and pulled it into a tail and then shoved her glasses on. She looked in the mirror.

"I'd wish for a turtleneck to cover these bruises but then there's still the eye to deal with," she said sighing, "I think it's hopeless."

I got up and pulled my own clothes on and smoothed my hair with my fingers.

"What do you want to tell Emma?" I asked, "You know Al and Sam will be there too."

The air seemed to go out of her right then as she thought about what she would say and how she would say it.

"You can tell them anything you want and I'll back you up," I offered, "As long as it wasn't me that hit you in your story."

"Well," she said with resignation, "I guess it ought to be at least some version of the truth."

She turned to me and took my hand and we headed into the city.

* * *

><p><strong>No, things are not all better...it takes a lot longer than that to get over something like what she went through and Jimmy will find that out. But it's also not unrealistic to resume certain activities quickly if one is in a stable and trusting relationship and has the feather in her cap of having preventing the attacker from achieving his goal. Trust me on this. But she's not going to be all okay for a while. <strong>

**I wish I could say that Jimmy's going to be the perfect understanding boyfriend while she gets through this healing process but he's not. I've yet to meet the man who is and that's nothing against them because I understand where he's coming from which is good because 30 chapters of Jimmy's POV it would get weird if I changed now-so I won't. **

**Not sure exactly what happens as far as Stan...if she might press charges or if her father's connections or even Sam's connections can just make it clear to Stan to stay the (bleep) away from her. I don't know if she can even bring herself to tell her father. It's hard to keep telling the story over and over. It's like after a while you wish you could just make a mass announcement to everyone you have ever known or might ever know just to get it over with and then when it's people you love then you end up consoling them instead of the other way around and it just gets so exhausting to keep going through it. I would understand if she didn't press charges or anything. I know I have had one request for Jimmy to really beat the living snot out of Stan and not much would give me more pleasure but then the authorities would have to get into it and then Joanie's dad and if she doesn't want all that, he might be cool enough to go along. Or his temper might get the better of him. I just don't know. **

**I think I have had one of the worst days ever. Really. And it's not one thing it's just one of those everything piled on all at once sort of days. This chapter was less than cooperative and then I had conferences at both of my kids' schools and we made it to both but I swear all the teachers at both schools could just get together with a recording and hit play when we walk in the room. "He doesn't hand in his work" I mean I think that was about all I heard tonight. So then we get home and it's late and we're hungry and cranky because we're hungry and neither kid had good conferences. I throw togehter food and we eat while my Tigers spontaneously combust right there on the field. We are down 3-1 in a best of seven series. Coming back and winning is not unheard of but it's pretty rare. Then I don't even get my normal quiet time because one kid had until midnight to write an essay for history and e-mail it to his teacher. I'm the essay proofreader. Finally I could sit and edit this chapter and get it posted here but really I would love to be crawling into bed and testing a theory that a few hours of sleep might get rid of this migraine but I have to write a letter to the history teacher which is kind of an extra credit thing for Ben. (insert Jeff Goldblum voice circa The Fly) help...me...-J**


	31. Chapter 31

A few blocks from Emma's I pulled over and turned to Joanie.

"You don't have to do this," I told her, "I can take you home, whichever home you want."

She shook her head. That woman fought so hard to be strong sometimes, like she had something to prove or something.

"You fought him off," I said, "You can hold your head up."

She shook her head again.

"I told you," I said quietly taking her hand. "Whatever happened in the past don't mean nothing. You were just a kid and he took advantage. He's the creep. And besides, you don't have to say anything about any of that. It's none of anyone's business."

She looked at me with those big, dark brown eyes like she was pleading for this all to be true and it was true.

"Hell, it wasn't none of my business either really," I told her, "You never had to be as open about all that as you were."

She took a deep breath.

"Let's get there before dinner gets cold."

I put the car back in gear and drove the rest of the way but I kept an eye on Joanie the whole time. I can't believe I let this get so out of hand. I should have known she wouldn't want to break up, I should have known there was more to it. Damn, one call to Sherry and I probably could have stopped all that madness. Maybe that's so and maybe it wasn't but it was what I was thinking at the time. I know she was thinking it was all her fault too but I knew that was wrong. There was nothing she could have done too different. He was just a jerk. But I know I still carried guilt for getting beat when I was a kid too so I guess it's just a natural thing to think we bring stuff on ourselves when we don't.

I stopped the car in front of Emma's and heard Joanie suck in air and then hold her breath.

"You sit tight," I told her. We'd been together a good long time and I didn't always still run around and get her door for her anymore.

I don't think she was about to move anyway but I went around and opened her door and crouched down next to her.

"Can you look at me at least?" I asked and she raised her eyes to me. It took everything I had not to wince at that ugly purple surrounding her eye. Stan better hope I never met him in a dark alley. I held her hand and just rubbed the back of it for a little bit. I heard a door open behind me and Al yell out.

"Unless you're proposing, you ought to get on in here."

Even Joanie gave a little chuckle at that. The tension was broken for that moment and she nodded at me that we could go in. She leaned on me heavy all the way up the walk and had her head turned toward me so no one would see her eye clearly.

We walked in as Emma appeared in the doorway between dining room and living room.

"Dinner," said Emma and her smile faded as she caught sight of Joanie. "Can wait."

Sam turned from the chair he was sitting in nearest the door and I can't even say how he looked. It was mad and sad and sorry and I don't even know what all. I'm sure it was a look he had to haul out a lot at work but it was never an act for him. He really felt that way about people who was wronged. I sat down on the opposite end of the couch from Al and figured Joanie would follow and sit next to me but she just stood there. I reached for her hand to pull her over but she snatched it away before I could reach her. Sam spoke and I could tell he understood what was going on.

"Joanie," he said softly and in that same calm tone he used when he talked to Emma the night her house got broke into. "Maybe you'd like to go on the porch for some air."

She nodded.

"Could I come with you?" he asked. I kind of just sat there marveling at how he was talking to her and how she seemed to relax just a little with every word.

"Yes," she said in a near whisper. He stood but then waited for her to make the move toward the door before following and keeping a distance behind.

I went over and sat on the bottom step of the staircase that led upstairs so I could hear what was going on and run in and rescue her if she got upset. I really didn't need to worry. This is what the man did for a living and he was damned good at it.

The two of them sat on the swing and just sat there quiet for a while before he spoke really tenderly to her.

"What happened?"

I wasn't sure she'd answer at first and she was quiet for a bit and then the whole story came tumbling out. She didn't mention the full nature of her previous relationship with Stan but she said he was an old boyfriend and went on about the calls and following her. You know these days he could have been arrested for that alone. They have laws against stalking since that actress out in Hollywood got killed. He never interrupted her, not even to prod her story when she paused or anything. Finally she got to what had happened the night before and I don't know how Sam sat there so silent. I know he'd heard and seen worse before but this was someone he cared for and I know he did. I think he was as much in need of a family to care about as Emma was and we all filled that need. He was always so kind to Joanie and I know even then that he thought of her as a, well I don't know if it was like a little sister or niece or even a daughter but he cared for her. Still he sat there without moving or commenting until her story was all done. I think it was the first time she talked about it without tears.

Even when she finished talking he didn't say anything. I wondered what he was waiting for. After a couple moments of not saying nothing, Joanie started to talk again. He knew she would even though most wouldn't have.

"I can't sit there," she said and then she did cry but I knew Sam had her and was starting to feel like she didn't always need me coming to her rescue or maybe that she didn't need rescuing at all where she was.

"It doesn't make sense," she said, "I should feel safer sitting there but I can't do it."

Sam finally said something.

"Of course you can't," he said, "If you sat there you'd be between two men with another one between you and the door. Part of you knows that we'd never hurt you but part of you is still so afraid and just trying to survive that you can't feel safe like that."

I let my head fall against the spindles that led to the banister. I kept listening though to see what else Sam might say or Joanie. I had no idea what was going on and I thought maybe I could learn to help her. I'd have to talk to Sam maybe later too.

"This is pretty normal stuff to feel, Joanie," he said, "You're scared and you have the right to be. I can tell you I won't hurt you and I know you know that but you see I also brought you out here where you can get away if you're scared."

"I'm sorry, Sam," she said and I wished she'd quit being sorry all the time.

"No need," he told her and I started hoping he would decide to marry Emma. I liked having him around. "Now what do you want to do?"

"I don't understand," she said.

"Do you want to press charges? I know a few of the boys in Ann Arbor," he told her, "I could give one of them a call for you."

"I don't know if I could do that," she said and she sounded so scared of the very notion that I almost ran out there. I'm glad I didn't though.

"I won't lie," he started, "It's a tough thing and it takes a lot of courage. I could feed you the line about taking a stand for all the women who can't speak for themselves and I believe that line, I really do but asking a woman to go through that is asking an awful lot. You'd have to tell a lot of people and if it went to court, well, I don't think I have to tell you that the blame gets put on the woman."

It was quiet again for a minute and then Sam spoke again, "Have you talked to your dad yet? He'd know a lot more than I would about the legal stuff."

"I can't tell daddy," she said, "Or mom. They're dealing with too much right now and I just can't."

"You told me," he said, "I love you like family, Joanie but they really are your family. I can't tell you what to do, honey, and I won't try but if I can offer some advice, I think you should talk to your dad. Will you think on it anyway?"

"Yeah."

"You want to come in and get something before Emma throws a fit about dinner getting cold?"

They came in and Joanie looked over to where I was sitting. She looked at her feet as she walked by. We made sure Joanie was sitting somewhere at the table where she felt safe and we had a nice meal even if it did feel like there was a giant elephant sitting in the middle of the dinner table. Al looked in pain every time he looked at Joanie's face and Emma looked a lot like she might cry but she didn't, and it wasn't like she was blinking tears or anything. It was a look pretty far back in her eyes and you'd have to know Emma a good long time before you'd notice it but she was hurting.

After dinner Joanie offered to help Emma with the dishes and I caught a glimpse of the two of them standing in the kitchen with Emma's arms wrapped around Joanie and Joanie just sobbing. I think I saw a tear or two escape Emma too.

I found the men on the porch and sat in one of the wicker chairs out there and just dropped my head into my hands. It had been a long day. In less than twenty-four hours I had gone from thinking my girlfriend hated me and wasn't even my girlfriend anymore to where I was now which was trying to figure out how to help her through this.

Al put a hand on my back, "How are you holding up, son?"

"I can't help thinking, 'Where the hell was I?'" I told him, "But I know I was home moping about my hurt feelings while this creep was following her and calling her and…"

I didn't even want to say what else he was doing while I was sitting around feeling sorry for myself.

I think Al wanted to say something but it was Sam who spoke.

"Jimmy," he said, "Will you listen to me a little bit?"

I nodded.

"I know Joanie's dealing with guilt right now," he held up a hand to silence Al who hadn't ever been through anything like this and wanted to say how Joanie wasn't guilty of anything. "I know you've probably already told her it wasn't her fault." I nodded. "It's not yours either. You couldn't have known because she felt so bad that she couldn't tell you about it."

"But now she doesn't even feel safe with me," I whined and yeah it was whining, "She doesn't trust me to protect her."

"That's not why she didn't feel safe," he said, "She was leaving the library and there was no sign of the man she had to fear so she felt safe and then she wasn't. Joanie's in a frame of mind where she feels she needs to fight for her survival all the time. She's still in that panicked state where she doesn't know what could come out of the woodwork at her. She's looking at every situation and wants to know where her escape route is."

I just stared at him. She didn't need an escape route if I was there.

"Have you ever heard anyone talk about fight or flight?" Sam asked me.

I shook my head.

"I guess it was first noticed in animals but people are a kind of animal too," he started, "Basically when threatened we have to make a choice over whether we run away or stay and defend ourselves. Most animals, humans too, will run if they can. Joanie couldn't run last night but she did a damned good job of fighting. Thing is that she doesn't trust any situations even the ones she knows are safe. Being in a room with men is scary and will be for a while. She needs to know she can run if things get scary. I'll bet if you ask her she can tell you everything in grabbing distance that she can use as a weapon if she can't flee."

"She's afraid of me," I said.

"No," he stated, "She's afraid of men and of situations she can't control. I deal with a lot of women after things like this happen and I've spent a good amount of time talking to shrinks about how to talk to these women. Control is everything. She lost it and she needs it back."

"God, I want to kill him," I growled.

"You got plenty of company there, son," Al said putting his hand back on my shoulder. "Ain't no woman should be done like that."

I got up and went back in the house I found Joanie still back in the kitchen with Emma; she was drying while Emma washed.

"Need help putting away?" I asked, "I know that platter goes on that shelf you can't reach, Emma."

She smiled at me and then looked at Joanie who smiled and nodded. I walked in the kitchen. I had been standing outside the door for fear I'd scare Joanie if I walked in. I know she couldn't help it but it upset me a lot that she was scared of me and needed to know she could run. I put the platter up and Joanie put her arms around my waist before I could even put my arms down. She didn't say anything, just clung to me like a life preserver. I lowered my arms and wrapped them loose around her shoulders.

"You can hold me tighter than that," she said.

I didn't want to tell her how afraid I was to scare her worse but I did tighten my grip.

We sat on the porch for a little while and talked before Joanie leaned to me and whispered in my ear, "I'm tired, James."

"Sweetie," I said aloud but softly, "You can say you're tired out loud. I don't think you're apt to offend anyone."

We stood and Emma hugged Joanie real tight and said something to her I'm pretty sure the other men didn't hear but I was nearly attached to her so I did.

"You know I'm here if you need anything, right?"

Joanie nodded and I was proud of her because she hugged Al and I could tell she didn't just hug him because it was expected. She looked fine with it. And then she hugged Sam which she didn't typically do and I think he was surprised but then pleased.

"Thank you Sam," she said.

"You have my card?" he asked her and she nodded.

"Anything I can do for you," he said real serious, "Do not hesitate to call me."

I shook his hand. I don't know how either one of us would have gotten through the whole mess without him. I feel bad for anyone dealing with it that doesn't have a Sam Cain to turn to and I don't just mean a man with the knowledge he had, I mean him. He was a gruff sort and seemed rough on the surface but he had a real tender heart and a lot of compassion. If I didn't care so much about making this story make sense, I'd tell you just how tender a heart and how much compassion but that chapter is much later in this tale and it'll just mess up my whole train of thought if I try to get to it now.

Joanie and me got in my car and I realized I had no idea where I was going. Things were so messed up right then. I knew most Thursdays I'd take her home but sometimes she knew she didn't have class on Fridays and she'd stay at my place and then on that night I knew even if she didn't have class, she might not be up for a sleepover. I turned to her.

"Where am I taking you?" I asked.

"Home," she said.

"You know you have three places that fit that description," I told her, "Which home?"

"Can I come over to your place?"

"You can always come over to my place," I said starting the car and heading it in that direction. "That's why I gave you a key."

We got to my place and Joanie actually led the way and opened the door before I reached it. I think she felt good to be away from campus and when it was just the two of us she didn't seem that afraid of losing control of the situation. I didn't like hearing Sam's explanation at the time but the more I sat with it, the more grateful I got to understand it. I still tried to keep an open route to the door for her. I could see her survey the place and even though she seemed more relaxed than I had seen her, I knew what she was doing.

"That vase that Emma gave me is pretty heavy there and you know where the knives are in the kitchen probably better than I do," I said and even when she looked at me like I was plumb crazy I went on. "Plus, my old switchblade is in the table by the bed. I can put it in the one by your side of the bed if you want."

"I don't understand," she said but it wasn't very sincere.

"I know it's not personal and I promise not to make you use any of them on me but you want to know what you can use as a weapon," I said and then added, "You want the blade for your purse? I don't carry it anymore."

"I don't know if I could carry something like that," she said.

"Think about it and just take it if you think it'll help you feel safer."

She nodded and sat on the couch while I got us a couple of bottles of Stroh's.

"You thought about what Sam said?" I asked, "You know, telling your folks?"

"Zaydeh is really sick," she said, "He might not get better. They don't need this right now."

"Neither do you," I said, "But you might just need them."

"I don't think I can," she said with finality.

"You still should talk to someone who knows the law," I told her, "Maybe you could talk to Aaron's dad. He wouldn't go to your dad if you didn't want him to, would he?"

"I don't know," she said but I could see her turning it over in her mind.

"It's just an idea," I said, "You just let me know. You know I'll come with you if you need anything at all."

"I'm going to take a shower," she said getting up.

I nodded and drained the rest of my beer and then cleared the bottles to the kitchen before heading for the bedroom. I had just gotten my jeans about half off when I heard the first thud. Then there was another and another. They all came from the bathroom so I went in to make sure she wasn't hurt. I had heard once about someone falling in the tub, just slipped and fell, and hit his head and died right where he fell because when he hit his head it made it bleed so much. I rushed in and saw her silhouette crouched in the tub hugging herself and crying. The thuds, I discovered had been shampoo bottles and the like being hurled at the door. I was careful to avoid them as I crossed the bathroom floor.

"Joanie," I called, "I'm here, I'll be right there."

I pulled the curtain enough to get in the tub with her. I sat down in the tub in my underwear and t-shirt and pulled her to me. She didn't give me any resistance and I just held her to me until we were both getting wrinkly fingers and toes. I shut off the water and got out of the tub and then lifted her out. It was a bit of a chore getting us dried at all but I managed. I carried her back to the room and pulled on some clean underwear and then found one of my t-shirts for her. She was still crying and I didn't know if she was going to stop any time soon or even at all. I pulled the blankets over us and held her close to me. I smoothed her hair and rubbed her back and pondered all the ways I could make that guy pay for causing this kind of grief to my sweet girl. I wondered how long she'd cry out of the blue and when or even if she would be alright again. It's a helpless feeling and not one I'd wish on anyone else.

* * *

><p><strong>Yeah...it's like that...Um, actress referenced when Jimmy is talking about stalking laws was Rebecca Schaefer (I think I spelled her name right). Guy (crazed fan) stalked her and walked right up to her house and shot her and killed her as she left for work one day. And what Joanie was going through is called hypervigilence. I don't know if it had that name then or not. It's a symptom of a lot of mental problems and one of those is Post Traumatic Stress Disorder which didn't exist as that then. I think they still called it shell shock though it once was known as battle fatigue so it was something that was still typically only associated with returning soldiers. But trust me when I tell you there are a lot of traumatic things a person can go through without entering into battle and PTSD is very real and to be expected for someone who's been through what Joanie has. And her obvious anxiety issues aren't going to help a great deal.<strong>

**Parts of writing this are very healing right now as our family is going through so much crap but other parts are harder to write because of it. Reliving PTSD in all its glory is kind of the mental equivalent of picking a scab and with our own legal battles possibly mounting, I do not relish Joanie going either to her dad or to Mr. Shapiro to talk legal crap. Pressing charges was harder then because there wasn't DNA evidence so there was no, hey lets see if she scratched him and compare DNA with the skin under her fingernails or anything like that and it was still an acceptable and permissable defense to say she asked for it. He could bring up their past-in detail-and have her followed to find out how much time she spends with Jimmy and even get the girls from her dorm the year before to testify to any knowledge they have of her sexual activities. Basically, she's not a virgin and they used to date so he can make her look like a total slut and even call Jimmy's character into play and use it against Joanie. It was sort of the dark ages then. I'll relate a story from roughly that time. A woman who was in a loveless and abusive marriage-and I mean physically, emotionally and sexually abusive marriage-and who also had knowledge of her children being physically and sexually abused went to a lawyer. She was looking into the possibility of divorce. Even though he was abusive and even though he was an alcoholic and even though he was hurting the children too, she was told that if she divorced him, she would lose the kids and they would either go to him or end up in foster care. Yeah...but you've got to remember, women only had the vote for about 40 yrs at that point so we hadn't had much time (with as slow as things move in government) to make the changes that needed to be made. Things are better now. Unless you are an autistic teenager. Let me know what you think.-J**


	32. Chapter 32

She cried until she literally passed out from exhaustion. I didn't feel like too much of a man at that point. I couldn't fix it, couldn't make it better, hadn't stopped it. It seemed I was a failure in every way I could think of but she still clung to me and that broke my heart to think that she didn't have anything better than pathetic me to take care of her.

When we got up the next morning, neither of us was very chipper but she looked like the life had just been drained right out of her. She usually had kind of pale creamy skin but that morning it was more like chalk and there was a dark circle under the eye that hadn't been hit that was about as dark as the bruise framing the one that had. I made coffee and breakfast but I couldn't get her to eat much of anything.

"Would you do something for me?" I asked her and she looked at me like she was terrified of what I'd ask.

"What?" she asked.

"Would you call Aaron? He knows you. He knew you when you were with Stan. He probably knows more than I do. I know I'm no help to you right now and you need someone."

"You are a help to me," she argued.

"Sweetheart," I said, "You aren't eating and you only slept last night because you were too tired from crying to do anything else. Please."

She got up and headed for the phone.

"I'll leave you alone," I said.

"Stay," she said quickly, almost desperately. "Please."

I sat down at the kitchen table across from her while she made the call. I could tell from her end of the conversation that Aaron knew that Stan had been being a problem and I'll admit I felt a little jealous that she confided in him and not me but then I was grateful too because she hadn't been alone. She cried and sobbed and I heard details of things he had said to her and how those things referenced what he had done to her in the past. I really thought at that time I might be sick but I sat there anyway. That was my job and while it was tough, being Joanie's guy was still my favorite job. At that moment I wasn't all that happy with it. What I wanted to do was to run out of there and find something or someone to hit. She wanted me there but I didn't know how long I could just sit there and listen to her and what she was saying to him. I don't know how Aaron did it. I didn't understand how he had been able to sit by when she was younger and actually with that creep.

I think sitting there and listening to her talk was the first time I felt the anger at her. I would never voice it at all but a part of me wanted to shake her and demand to know how someone so smart could be so stupid. Now I know that smart doesn't mean you always have a high opinion of yourself and I know Joanie always felt insecure about her looks and that any guy who showed her attention probably could have gotten away with nearly anything. I know this but it didn't stop the anger from mounting inside me. That morning though I just sat there and listened while she poured her heart out to Aaron and I heard things about the woman I loved that no man should ever hear. I know more than once I wanted to get up and leave, just to clear my head but she had my hand in a vice grip so I wasn't going anywhere.

They talked for close to an hour I guess and I think after a while I got almost numb to the words that were coming out of her mouth. I was hearing her talk but not hearing her words. I don't think I would even have known she finished her conversation except that she released my hand when she got up to hang the phone back on the wall. I looked up at her and she smiled at me. It don't make sense, even now, but that smile made everything I had just heard almost instantly better.

"Feel a little better?" I asked.

She nodded but then looked like she might cry again. I kept wondering what it was going to take for her to stop crying. Well, she didn't cry right then but I think it was sheer determination.

"I'm going to meet Aaron's dad for lunch," she told me and I was glad to hear it. "Will you come with me?"

"Of course I will."

We got ourselves around and went off to meet Mr. Shapiro. I know she was feeling a little uneasy still about being out and about with that eye but it was looking a little better and with her glasses, I didn't think it was as noticeable. Though maybe I was just getting used to it.

We met him at a little restaurant in the city so word wasn't going to get back to Joanie's folks. I hadn't ever met Mr. Shapiro but he was easy to recognize since he just looked like an older version of Aaron. We walked over to him and I'll tell you Mr. Shapiro had to have been a good lawyer and I don't think I'd want to play poker with him either. I know it had to have upset him to see the state Joanie was in but you'd never have known it to look at him.

"Joanie," he said standing and opening his arms to her. "It's been too long, zeisele."

Joanie fell into his arms and hugged him tight. He patted her head and then guided her to a seat.

"Is this James I hear so much about?" he asked looking at me.

"It's good to meet you, sir," I said extending my hand to him.

"I like this one," he said addressing Joanie. "He has manners but he means them; not like those others you dated."

The waitress came for our orders and once she had gone, Mr. Shapiro spoke.

"Aaron told me what happened to you," he said to Joanie, "Tell me how I can help."

"I don't know what to do," she said, "I know I could press charges but I don't know if he could be convicted and if he isn't I think that would be worse even."

"We can talk in front of James?" he asked and I know that had more to do with lawyers having to keep the confidence of their clients. She wasn't his client but he still felt very bound to her privacy. I appreciated it.

"He knows everything," she said.

"Then I have to ask you some things," he said, "First, this Stan Klein, were you intimate with him?"

She looked at her plate and I think Mr. Shapiro thought she didn't want to say in front of me but I know she just didn't want to tell him and she was wondering how to phrase her response.

"I was still a virgin when he broke up with me," she said finally, "It's why he broke up with me but there were other things we did."

"Things he pressured you to do," I interjected.

"This is true?" Mr. Shapiro asked her.

She nodded.

"Are you still a virgin?" he asked but quickly added, "I hate asking but any defense attorney will ask the same thing."

"No," she said, "I'm not."

"Was that your choice?" he asked and I knew that was the father in him and not the lawyer asking.

"It was," she said and there was something really happy in her voice.

He seemed satisfied at that and I think he knew it was me she was with.

"Zeisele," he said, "I won't tell you what to do. It would be a brave thing to press charges against this boy but you didn't come here to hear me say that. I will tell you what I can about what will happen. If you file charges, his lawyer will tear your life apart. Every person you have ever known who has a grudge against you will be brought in to say you are dishonest. Any girlfriend you may have shared a confidence with about your personal and romantic life will be brought in to show you are a woman of loose morals. They will dig into James' life as well and find anything there to say that you spend time with questionable people. In short, you will have to give details about very private things only to be made to look like a dishonest, tramp who cavorts with unseemly characters. Your father has great connections and I have great connections but those connections might not be enough. It is up to a jury and a judge can keep things fair but he cannot tell the jury what to hear or what to think about what they have heard."

"He would get away with it, wouldn't he?" she asked.

"I cannot say for sure because I do not read the minds of other men but I think conviction would be unlikely."

"I can't go through that," she said. I would have supported her through anything but I was glad she chose what she did. There is no sense going through all of that in a battle that is lost before you even start.

"Has he tried to contact you again since that night?" Mr. Shapiro asked.

"I don't know," she said, "I haven't been back to my apartment since yesterday afternoon."

"Is your roommate there right now?"

She nodded and Mr. Shapiro had a phone brought to him.

"Call her," he said.

She dialed and waited.

"Hi Sherry…yeah, I was, well, you know where I was…okay, I guess…has Stan tried to call? Thanks…yeah, I'll talk to you later."

I looked at her and knew the answer before she even said it.

"He's called five times already," she said and Joanie wasn't a very big girl anyway but she looked so tiny and frail right then. I put an arm around her and held her as close as was acceptable in a public place like a restaurant.

Joanie excused herself to the bathroom and that left Mr. Shapiro and me at the table. I think it was almost as uncomfortable as when I first met Mr. Cohen. Well, before Mr. Cohen started speaking.

"James," he started, "How are you handling all this? It can't be easy to see the woman you love hurt so."

I know I looked a little surprised at the nature of his words.

"So you would have me believe that you would convert to Judaism for a woman you do not love?" he asked, "You might not have a ring on her finger yet but your intentions have been loudly declared, young man."

"I guess they have at that," I said, "I think I'm doing okay by her."

"I can see you are doing fine in looking after dear Joanie," he said, "She will still be upset for a while but you are taking very good care of her. I asked how you were doing. There is more than one victim to this crime."

I hadn't considered that I was a victim too and I don't think I liked the concept very much but through the years I have seen the truth of it.

"I don't think I'm doing that well at all," I admitted, "I keep feeling that I could have prevented this somehow. I could have done more to get her to talk to me. I could have gone to Sherry or Aaron and gotten the rest of the story about so many things. I could have insisted that she not walk around campus after dark. I could have been there at the library with her."

Mr. Shapiro smiled at me. It was a sad smile and one filled with understanding or at least compassion.

"You know that if our Joanie is determined to do something, whether it's to get a certain grade or to keep a secret, none of us would be able to stop her."

I nodded and I did know.

"I just feel so helpless," I explained, "Like what kind of man is sitting home licking his wounds over a fight with his girlfriend while that girlfriend is fending off a rapist?"

"The man who is not a mind reader," he replied, "The man who does not see the future. It could be any man in this restaurant. You can't be angry because you did not know things that no one knows."

Joanie got back to the table while I was still pondering all that Mr. Shapiro had said. He reminded me a lot of Al only if Al had grown up in Brighton Beach instead of somewhere down south, same wisdom, different accent.

"Are you alright with this decision, zeisele?" he asked her.

She smiled and there was a whole lot less tension in it and she walked like she was carrying less weight.

"Yes," she said, "It's a relief to know what I am doing. Have you heard any news about Zaydeh Cohen, Uncle Eli?"

I was surprised for a second when she used the family term there because I had only heard her call him 'Aaron's dad' before but it made sense. Theresa called me 'Uncle Jimmy' and when I saw Lisa and Timmy, their folks always referred to me as that too so I knew they would call me the same thing. Bobby was talking by the time I met him but he had pictures of me and never called me anything but uncle.

"Sadly there has been no change in Avner's condition," he told her.

"How is daddy holding up?" she asked.

"As well as can be expected," he answered her, "Avner is not a young man and this is not unexpected but he is still saddened."

There was silence at our table before Mr. Shapiro spoke again, "But his burden is not so great at this time that he couldn't give comfort to his oldest child."

"I don't know if I could say the words to him," she said.

"I could say some of them for you," he offered, "Not all of them and no one has to say the worst of them. Just tell him a boy from your past still harbored feelings for you and tried to take what was not his. You fought him and were injured. That's enough. No father wants or needs more information than that."

"You would do that for me, Uncle Eli?"

"There's little I would not do for you, zeisele," he said gently, "You will come to temple tomorrow and I will speak to him before. I will invite your family to breakfast and we can talk before services. We will see you at temple."

As we left the restaurant, I thanked Eli Shapiro for all he had done to help Joanie that day.

"You are good at dealing with her moods," he said, "But Jacob and I are the masters. I have known that girl since she was first born. You will understand in time, just do not give up."

We got in the car and I could tell Joanie was feeling better just having talked to Mr. Shapiro.

"Zeisele?" I asked, "I don't think I've heard that one before."

"It means little sweetie or something kind of like that," she said, "I think it's literally 'little sweet' but you know, nothing comes off quite the same way when literally translated. He's always called me that."

"I like him," I said.

"Yeah, he's a good man," she said, "I wish Aaron would tell him already. I know of all the people in the world, Uncle Eli would still love and accept him."

"He doesn't know?"

"Aaron's too afraid to tell him," she said, "He hasn't told hardly anyone. I mean I know some people at school know and I think he even had a boyfriend for a little while but that's kind of hard."

I shook my head and just tried to even imagine what it was like to have to live in that kind of hiding from even the people who loved you most. Eventually Joanie thought to ask where I was driving to.

"Sam's office," I said.

"But I'm not pressing charges," she countered.

"I know and if you were," I said, "I'd be taking you to Ann Arbor. Sam has no jurisdiction there."

"Then why?"

"Because I need to talk to him," I said, "He understands all this better than I do."

I pulled up to the station. I knew he worked the precinct closest to Emma's. I told the nice lady at the front desk that I was hoping to see Detective Sam Cain and she smiled and pointed me in the right direction. Joanie trailed along behind and I had to stop a couple of times in the hallway for her to catch up. I know that she was having a problem with all the people around. I took her hand.

"We're talking to Sam," I reminded her, "Not a stranger."

"I know," she said but she still looked scared.

I found Sam's desk.

"Sam?"

"Hey Jimmy, Joanie," he said smiling at us. "Is everything okay?"

I looked at Joanie but she was kind of froze up from all the activity going on around us.

"As good as it can be," I said, "I just wanted to talk a little bit if you're not too busy."

"I'm not busy at all," he said and hauled out that soft tone he took with victims when he had to question them. "You want to sit here or go somewhere else?"

"Where else can we go?" I asked glancing at Joanie.

"Right this way," he said and led us to the stairs. Before we started to climb he turned to Joanie and asked, "Do you want to walk ahead of us or trail behind?"

"Behind," she said.

He nodded and led the way and eventually we were on the roof. Sam leaned against the wall to the side of the door and pulled a pack of cigarettes out of his pocket shaking one out and lighting it.

"Don't tell Emma," he said, "I'm trying to quit and I told her I already had. I know I shouldn't lie but it's harder than I thought it would be."

"Don't worry," I said, "There's more than a couple things Emma don't know about me that I can live without her finding out."

He smiled and sort of laughed under his breath and then looked at Joanie.

"You know I like seeing you kids and all," he said seriously, "But I don't think this is a social call is it?"

I shook my head.

"We just went to talk to her friend's dad," I explained, "He's one of the partners at her dad's firm. He's a real good guy but he told her how it would be to file charges."

I paused and looked over to where Joanie was just sort of wandering around the roof aimlessly. It was so strange how she could seem to be getting better one minute and then the next she could be so frightened or distant.

"She's not going to do it and hearing how it would be for her, I'm glad," I said, "He wouldn't get convicted."

"I know," Sam said to me, "I didn't have the heart to tell her that yesterday but there's no way there would be a conviction and she'd get so drug through the mud, she'd never be clean again."

"Yeah," I agreed, "Once they brought me into it things would have really gone downhill."

"Don't even try blaming yourself," he said, "You can't live life thinking about something this horrible happening. Emma's told me how hard you've worked to get past the, well, the past."

"I know," I said and I did know but knowing something don't always make it easier to believe if that makes any sense.

"So what can I help you with?" he asked.

"You said you had some connections in Ann Arbor?"

He nodded.

"Stan has called five times already today to her apartment," I told him, "Can you maybe have the guys there keep an eye out and make sure he doesn't hang around her building?"

"I'll put in the call," he said, "He won't be able to get away with so much as jaywalking."

* * *

><p><strong>Oh dear sweet, ruggedly handsome Sam Cain...I always just adored Sam. I really love Eli Shapiro too. He is like a Brooklyn born and raised Teaspoon. Fun to write even if not so fun things are going on around them. <strong>

**Well, still watching the DVR of the Red Wings but there will be no hat trick for this sports fan. Spartans did beat Wolverines for 4th year in a row...the Paul Bunyan Trophy just doesn't want to leave East Lansing. The Tigers apparently decided they didn't really want to play in the world series. The game isn't quite over but I heard the fat lady warming up a few innings back...or I could just belt out a tune right now...So hopefully the Wings will at least give me two out of three which according to rock and roll singer Meat Loaf ain't bad.**

**On another note, I really love, love, love the new ad campaign from Chrysler. It so glorifies Detroit and that makes me happy! I think the Jimmy in this story would like those ads too. Love you all!-J**


	33. Chapter 33

We got Joanie back to my car and got her inside. I thanked Sam before I got in the car myself. She was just staring straight ahead and I wasn't sure but I thought maybe it was a mistake to bring her with me. I maybe should have taken her to Emma's first but I couldn't be sure and I hated her to be out of my sight.

"I've never held one of these before," she said and I turned to her. Her voice was flat and small and I saw she had my knife in her hand, just turning it over and over like she was studying it.

"I'm sorry, Joanie," I said, "I shouldn't have brought you with me."

"Who would you have gotten to babysit me?" she was trying for a bitter tone but accomplished only a fearful one.

"Emma," I said honestly, "That way Al would be nearby too."

I wasn't even going to try to deny that I would have found someone to keep an eye on her.

"Is it this button?" she asked.

"Yeah," I said, "But you have to turn it around like this." I moved the knife in her hand. "Otherwise you'll just stab yourself."

She hit the button and jumped a little when the blade popped out.

"How do I put it back?"

I showed her.

"Just please be careful with it, honey," I said, "I don't carry it anymore but I do keep it sharp."

I started the car and thought to put it in gear but I stopped.

"I don't know where to take you," I said, "There's my place or Emma's or your apartment; tell me where."

"I should check on Sherry," she said and I was happy that she sounded less and less like she was talking from the bottom of a well. I drove to Ann Arbor and to the girls' apartment.

We got inside and Sherry looked up.

"I hope you didn't try to call again," she told us, "Because the phone's been off the hook for over an hour. I just don't want to listen to his smarmy voice anymore."

She shuddered at the thought.

"What did you tell him when he called?" I asked.

"I told him he was a creep and my brothers taught me how to deal with guys like him."

"Sherry," I said, "Would you come into the city with us?"

"I don't understand," she replied.

"I just don't think you're safe here," I told her, "Sam's going to have Ann Arbor police start tailing Stan but in the meantime, neither of us could stand it if anything happened to you."

"I couldn't impose like that," she argued.

"It's no imposition to see a friend is safe," I argued right back, "We have a fold out couch."

She relented and went to pack a bag. Joanie did the same. She had clothes at my place but she wanted things to wear to temple in the morning. I put the phone back in its cradle and waited for the girls. It wasn't five minutes before it rang. I answered it hoping it was a friend from a study group or Sherry's parents or something.

"Hello."

"So you're staying over with the little whore."

Have you ever heard of someone blinded by rage? Well, that's how it was when I heard that. I truly couldn't see my hand in front of my face.

"Leave her alone," I growled at him. "You don't really want her and she really doesn't want you."

"You just tell her I'll find her and pay her back for the way she acted."

I slammed down the phone at that. I knew whatever I could say at that moment could come back and hurt me and worst of all could hurt Joanie. I looked up to see Sherry standing in the doorway of the kitchen.

"I know you want to kill him," she said simply as if discussing murder was something people did over coffee every day. "Get in line."

I smiled at her and we even shared a small laugh over that. I told you Sherry had a way with people. It's funny because when you think of someone as good at science as she was, you think of some nerd who doesn't know how to carry a conversation, not someone with such an easy manner as Sherry.

"Trying to steal my boyfriend again?" Joanie popped into the kitchen. It was a playful accusation and it felt good to see her acting normal even though I was catching on to the fact that she wasn't normal yet.

"As if anyone could," I said smiling.

I drove both girls back to my place and it was kind of nice. We all got dinner together and ate and just talked for a bit but thankfully not about anything serious. Eventually the girls decided I needed to run down to the store before it closed and pick up some more pop and beer and maybe some ice cream too.

I walked out of my apartment building and that's when I saw the shadow standing there watching me. I kept my eyes open and headed toward the store. It was only on the corner so I wasn't about to get in the car and drive it. I knew I was walking past whoever it was who was keeping an eye on me too but I tried to act like I wasn't bothered. I wasn't in nearly as bad a neighborhood as I had lived in before but it was still in the city and it paid to know your surroundings in the city. Now I would say the same is true everywhere you might happen to be. I saw the movement a fraction of a second before I heard the voice.

"Are you doing both of them now? Joanie I can see but I wouldn't think that Sherry girl would go for your type. Hell, Joanie will do anything."

I turned toward the voice. It was dark and there wasn't anyone around to see a damned thing but I knew Joanie didn't want me risking all we had for this S.O.B.

"She won't do you," I said.

"I might not have gotten her cherry but I guarantee I've been places on and in her body you'll never get to."

That was it. There is only so much a man can take after all and I charged at him. I knocked him over and had him flat on his back. I made sure I ground my knee solidly in his groin. I was at least going to make sure he wouldn't have use of that for a while.

"What's it like being down there?" I asked. "It's how you like your women isn't it?"

I punched him and I could feel his nose give way under my fist.

"Please," he said.

"Please what?" I asked him, "I'll bet Joanie said the same thing. Did you give her any mercy or did it turn you on to have her pleading under you for you to stop?"

I punched him again and again and again. Oh hell, I don't know how many times I punched him. He stopped saying please after a few punches. He was still trying but it didn't come out right. His lips had been split a few too many times to say anything too clearly. But then I did hear something clearly and it was someone yelling for me to stop. I was so surprised and I think half afraid it was the cops or something that I did stop. I turned and there was Sherry standing there. I got up but I made sure to push off on the knee that was sturdily on his groin. I heard one last grunt of pain from him and I walked toward Sherry.

"Are you okay?"she asked me.

"I don't know," I said, "I'm sorry. I'll head to the store now."

"No you won't," she said, "You're going right back upstairs and I'll make us some tea. We need to get a look at your hands and make sure you're alright."

It might seem odd that she was so concerned about my knuckles when there was a guy not ten feet away coughing and bleeding in an alley but well, it was an odd situation and we weren't going to worry ourselves too much with him.

He was fine enough I guess just in case you're wondering. I broke his nose but good and his mouth was a big mess. Might have lost a couple of teeth too but I think he gained something too. Maybe he gained an understanding of what it was like to be on the receiving end of how he treats women.

I went back inside my building with Sherry and made it to the first landing before I just leaned against the wall. I was shaking, not from fear but I think from all the adrenaline that gets going through your veins when you're involved in something like that. I know my breath was shaking too. I hadn't thought at all about what I was doing when I charged him or when I hit him or even about anything I said to him. Sherry sat on a step on the next flight up and just waited for me to compose myself. She had brothers and I know it wasn't the first time she had dealt with the aftermath of a fight. After a few minutes I pushed myself away from the wall and headed the rest of the way to my apartment with Sherry right behind me. I unlocked the door and Joanie turned to me with a smile that melted off as soon as she caught sight of me. I wasn't hurt at all except for my hands but my face was splattered with blood and I know my expression probably told her something bad had happened.

She wanted to run to me but I could tell she was frozen to the spot. She sort of swayed but couldn't really move. Sherry grabbed my arm and sat me at the kitchen table before she hustled off to the bathroom to find some peroxide and a cloth. When she got back, she put on a kettle for tea before she even looked at my hands.

"They don't look to bad," she said, "I think once we get the scrapes cleaned up, it won't look much worse than what you do to yourself at work."

It's true I usually had really banged up hands from them being under the hood of a car most of the time. Once the blood was cleaned off and my hands passed inspection from Sherry, I went over to Joanie and sat down next to her.

"What did you do?" she whispered.

"It's not as bad as it looks," I said.

"What did you do?" she asked a little louder and I knew I'd better answer her if I didn't want her bothering the neighbors.

"I hit him," I said. It was an understatement but not untrue.

"You didn't kill him, did you?"

"No," I assured her, "I didn't even come close to killing him."

"He followed us here," she said as if it had just dawned on her. I nodded and then looked over to see Sherry holding a towel to me.

"You should get cleaned up," she said, "If he does call the cops, you don't want to be standing there in a bloody shirt with your face looking like that."

She was right. The hands I could explain away as work related but the shirt had gotten bloody about the time I smashed his nose and my face was covered in spattered blood. I looked between Sherry and Joanie and Sherry just nodded. I headed into the bathroom to take a shower.

I just stood there for a while letting the hot water run over me. I hadn't realized how tensed all my muscles were until the heat started releasing them for me. I knew that beating the crap out of Stan might have been a huge mistake but right about then it felt damned good to have done it. I leaned against the wall and if anyone had seen me they would have thought I had lost it for sure. I was naked and wet and crying and laughing all at the same time. If you have to have a breakdown like that, the shower is a good place to have it. No one sees you and if your eyes get a little red and puffy, well, you can just say you got shampoo in your eye or something.

I got out of the shower and put on a change of clothes and went out to see how the girls was doing. Sherry was sitting behind Joanie on the davenport and brushing her hair and they was singing together. I think they was singing 'The Lion Sleeps Tonight'. They looked like any girls anywhere just having a slumber party. It was a nice sight.

"Hey Jimmy," Sherry said looking up from Joanie's hair. "You want some tea?"

"Yeah, I'll get it myself though," I told her, "You stay put."

It wasn't much after that when I pulled out the sofa bed for Sherry and tucked my sweet girl into bed next to me.

"James," she said so softly I almost couldn't hear her.

I rolled to face her, "What is it sweetheart?"

"I'm sorry."

I groped a second and found her hand in the dark and brought it to my lips.

"I wish you'd stop being sorry," I said gently, "None of this is your fault."

"Am I a bad person that I'm happy you beat him up?"

"Not unless I'm a bad person too," I said.

"Thank you," she said and moved closer to me in the bed, "For everything."

"You don't get how much I love you, do you?" I asked, "I would die for you if I had to."

"I would do anything for you too," she said and she started rubbing up against me. "I mean anything."

I knew exactly what she meant. Now I'll explain me and Joanie had one fine sex life but for as passionate as we could be, it was pretty tame and straightforward if you catch my drift. I hadn't ever felt anything was missing at all but I knew there'd been things she'd done with him that were at that time less talked about acts. I knew about them and had even partaken in them in the past. There was lots of reasons why folks did and most often when I'd had occasion it was because a girl was just that afraid of getting knocked up. I had no complaints at all about what Joanie offered and never questioned it. Even once I knew she'd done those things with him, I didn't think to feel slighted at all. I mean it's not like she wanted to do any of that with him in the first place. But here she was offering me anything I might have ever thought of in my kinkiest thoughts. I held her tight but just around the waist.

"No," I said, "I'm not going to be like him. You don't owe me a damned thing. I love you and I will be here for you when you need me but I will not take advantage of you like this. It's still not your decision to do it."

"You don't want me?"

"You don't have to move your hand far at all to feel that I do want you," I told her, "But I only want what you're okay giving. Maybe someday you'll feel okay enough about all this to try some of those things with me but maybe they'll always be tainted for you and that's just fine too."

She hugged me tighter but wasn't wiggling herself against me and she stayed quiet for a bit.

"I want to feel wanted," she said, "I really do."

"You're always wanted," I said, "If I didn't have to work and go to school and you didn't have school, none of this would have happened because we'd never make it out of bed."

She did move her hand right about then and I wasn't lying about what she'd find when she did. I got her out of the nightgown she was in and I rolled over onto her. I noticed her tense up at that and rolled back on my back.

"I really do want this James," she said.

"I know but it'll be better this way," I told her as I brought her on top of me. "Just keep the noise down. We're not alone."

She leaned forward and kissed me.

"Oh Sherry? She could have slept through the blitz."

We did sleep eventually and then got up the next morning and got ready for temple. There was some argument from Sherry who wanted to just stay there but until I knew how things were going to settle after what I'd done the night before to Stan, I just didn't trust it. We took her over to Emma's where I knew Sam would probably be wandering over at some point and Al was right next door. Besides, Buck and Ike were usually there with their wives and kids. There was no way that creep would get anywhere near her. Then Joanie and I headed out to Bloomfield Hills. We were less than a block from the synagogue when Joanie finally said something.

"I can't do this," she said.

"Sweetheart, they already know," I reminded her, "If you aren't in temple today, they are going to send out search parties for you."

We got to temple and I took her hand as we walked toward the building. Before I could react someone rushed past me and was clinging to Joanie. It was Judy. In all of this I don't think either one of us thought of what this might do to her. The poor girl was just sobbing into her sister and Joanie let go with more tears than I had seen to that point and that's saying something because there had been a lot of tears. Within a few minutes, Mr. and Mrs. Cohen were both standing there and Judy released her sister and clung to me instead.

"Hey short stuff," I said, "How is everyone holding up?"

The two of us walked a little ways away to let Joanie and her folks talk but not so far away that I couldn't get to her if I needed to.

"Better than you, it looks like," she said looking at my knuckles and trying to crack a bit of a joke. "Did you fight a cement mixer or something?"

"Between you and me, Jude?" I had to make sure of this but she nodded and I knew she would. Judy could keep a secret. For a pest of a little sister, she wasn't that much of a pest at all, actually. "It was Stan."

"Good," she said, "Now Daddy won't have to do it. You're handy to have around, Jimmy."

"Keep telling me that and maybe someday I'll even believe it a little."

She gave me an even bigger hug then.

"Don't be modest," she said, "I know how you take care of her when she has her episodes and Uncle Eli told us how you've been seeing to her since, well, you know. She might be my big sister but I'm kind of protective. And she usually has the most terrible taste in men. I thought she'd never be able to find a good guy on her own. But then that's Joanie for you, tell her she can't do something and that's the very thing she'll finally manage."

Yeah, that was my Joanie all right. Damn that kid was smart.

* * *

><p><strong>Okay, confession time, that felt really good! I'm sure it did for Jimmy too. I'm still working out all of the fallout from all of this but I really like that I can get more into some of these other people too...Sherry, Judy and more in depth into Sam. *sigh*<strong>

**Well, to cap off the most meh sports weekend I can think of, the Lions lost their first game of the season. So, out of four games I cared about this weekend, my guys won two of them. .500 isn't bad but after the week I had, I really could have used some more awesomeness from the Detroit athetes.**

**So, about that week last week. I have been a little cryptic on here and intentionally so. Basically, there was a huge problem at my son's school. My son is autistic and this all revolves around his autism. This is very touchy and I don't feel comfortable at all about detailing things in this open a forum. I know a couple of you already know what is happening. I probably wouldn't mention it at all except that I have to go to the school tomorrow and speak with the police liaison to the school about the incident. My child was injured and I'm really not cool with that at all. But I am not a confrontational person by nature. I can handle the confrontations and I can advocate for my son but I hate them and they tie my stomach in knots. Having kids is really hard work.**

**So let me know what you think of the way this is playing out.-J**


	34. Chapter 34

I'll be the first to admit that I envied what Joanie had with her parents. I knew that they'd be the strong supportive parents that everyone ought to have, especially people going through rough things. But still, and maybe it's because of the example they gave her to be a comforting person or maybe it was that guilt she couldn't shake but she still spent most of that Saturday trying to comfort her folks and tell them she was okay. I wished she would just accept their shoulders to cry on and I'm sure they wished it too but she just couldn't do it.

I guess you'd figure that we went to her parents' after temple and you'd figure right. I knew she needed her family and they needed more time with her too. At one point in the afternoon, Mr. Cohen had me alone. I know I didn't need to feel wrong about looking him in the eye but I did anyway. He trusted me to take care of his little girl and I had failed miserably. That's how it felt anyway.

"Do you know how badly you hurt him?" Mr. Cohen asked and I was startled because I hadn't said anything about having hurt anyone.

"Joanie told me," he said to my questioning look. "I could tell you how rash and ill-advised it was for you to do that but I think I would have done the same thing. I don't think I could have done as much damage though. Even in my youth, I was not as physically strong as you."

I nodded, "I don't know how bad I hurt him."

"She is afraid that he will file a complaint," Mr. Cohen said, "I think probably not but if he does, you call the firm. Eli and I would represent you. It would be the least I could do for all you've done for her."

"I know Joanie didn't want me to go after him," I said, "And I swear I didn't. I tried to just walk away but he kept talking and saying things you just shouldn't say; about anyone but least of all about her."

Mr. Cohen smiled at me, "She's not angry and she never meant that you couldn't rough him up a little, as you might say. She didn't want you to kill him. I can get an acquittal for an assault and battery charge but maybe not for manslaughter. I could get it reduced for sure but you'd still be found guilty and that would not go away like your juvenile record."

"I can't believe she told you about my record."

"Technically," he clarified, "You have no record. You once did but you do not now. You think I am a foolish man to give his blessing to your relationship knowing some of the things you have done?"

"I don't know if I'd say foolish but I don't understand it."

"You are not the first young person to make a mistake and you will not be the last," he said, "That is why juvenile records are expunged when the young person becomes an adult. I too made mistakes in my youth and have been grateful for the chance to learn from them."

It was then that Joanie came in and wrapped her arms around me. Surrounded by her family who had always been there for her and loved her more than life itself, she still sought me out when she felt the panic rise. That is how love works though. If I didn't already know she loved me that would have told me all I needed to know. I had sought revenge for her. I had defended her and I had been there putting aside my own anger and hurt when she just needed someone strong to hold her. I knew I couldn't keep that last part up indefinitely but I had done it for those first few days and I even marveled that all that had happened had all just happened within that short span of time. It had been Wednesday night when Sherry had called and there it was Saturday morning. In that time everything in my life that I had felt solid and sturdy had at once been shaken and yet strengthened. I didn't know how that could be but it was.

"Hey there beautiful," I said kissing the top of her head. I meant the 'beautiful' part too. The shock of seeing that black eye had worn off and I no longer even noticed it. She was just my beautiful girl. There was no way that a jerk like Stan Klein could do anything at all to change that.

We sat all together and talked a while more but not about what happened to Joanie. There was a lot of talk about Zaydeh Cohen and it wasn't any happier talk. There wasn't anything that the doctors could do for him anymore and it was only a matter of time before he would be gone. I held Joanie's hand through the whole conversation and she squeezed my hand back hard. It is true Zaydeh Cohen was not a young man and for him to pass away was hardly a shock but still, he was very loved and it was a cause for sadness that he would soon be passing on.

Joanie and I were driving home, well actually we were driving to Emma's to pick up Sherry, and Joanie said something that really struck me.

"Daddy would like for you to sit Shiva with us. We need a minyan for kaddish," she said very quietly, "He doesn't have a son."

"He asked for me?"

"Yes," she said, "It's not appropriate yet for you to be there through aninut. Zaydeh was pretty cool but he was also very traditional where his faith was concerned."

I knew this. I was very surprised that Mr. Cohen would want me there to be part of the minyan. But it would allow me to be closer to Joanie while she was dealing with what we knew was to come.

"Will you be alright through aninut?" I asked.

She nodded, "It's only a couple of days and we'll be busy seeing to the arrangements."

"You'll stay at your parents' through Shiva?" I asked.

"It'll be so much easier," she said, "And I can't expect Sherry to get ready without a mirror for a whole week. She's not vain or anything but I think she'd still like to see what she looks like before she leaves for class."

I looked over and I could see her turning the gold star around her neck over and over in her fingers. I might just have to have a chat with God and ask some questions about how he could pile so much on this dear family all at once. I guess I was a little ticked off. I'd get over it in time and be grateful for the trials we went through and the strength it gave us. This all strengthened our relationship, my relationship with Mr. and Mrs. Cohen and although it seemed impossible at the time, my faith in God.

We pulled up in front of Emma's and Joanie saw the cars in the driveway.

"The babies are here," she nearly squealed and I knew she needed to go and cuddle some babies far more than she needed to sit and talk to me anymore about her dying grandfather or what Stan had done or even what I had done to Stan.

Joanie nearly sprinted inside where she knew the women would be with the babies. It was the first time she didn't act awkward about her eye though it was probably okay. I'm sure Emma had filled them in, not to be a gossip mind you but just to explain Sherry's presence. The guys was on the porch listening to some game or another.

"You look about a hundred years old, Jimmy," Buck said to me.

"Feel every one of them too," I said, "It's been a tough week."

Ike smiled sympathetically and Al handed me a beer.

"How'd you tear your hands all up, son?" he asked me and I looked at Sam first knowing that to tell I'd have to confess to a crime and I wasn't sure I wanted to do that. Sam was a good guy and surely understood my plight but I still had beaten up a guy who was smaller and had not thrown the first punch. Sam was also a good cop, a clean and fair cop.

"If you did what I suspect you did," Sam said, "I think I'd take all the information I have on the case and conclude he jumped you. That seems to be his M.O."

"I think that's what Joanie's dad would argue in court if the S.O.B. presses charges," I told him.

Al looked at me like he wanted to be mad over the chance I had taken but I think he was more wishing he'd been the one pummeling Stan.

"Your hands look pretty rough," Buck said and I finally took a look at them. One knuckle looked worse than the rest.

"Did you take care of them at all?" Sam asked knowing that my focus hadn't been on myself that last couple days.

"Sherry cleaned 'em," I told him.

"Well, she probably knows more than the rest of us what with her dissecting stuff all the time," he said, "Go in and show her."

I did though I felt stupid. It was just a scraped knuckle. I found her leaning against a wall in the living room watching Joanie make funny faces at Lisa and then laughing herself when the baby giggled at her.

"Hey," I said, "How was your day?"

"Emma's pretty cool," she said, "You left the men and braved this hen party to ask me that? Or were you checking up on your girlfriend?"

"Neither," I replied, "One of these sores ain't looking right. I get my hands messed up plenty and this is just looking rough."

"To the bathroom with you then and let me take a look," she said. I followed along dutifully and sat on the toilet lid while Sherry held my hand over the sink and looked at it.

"Well, that explains it," she said opening the medicine cabinet and searching for something.

"What?" I asked.

She started digging through the drawers next until she found what she was looking for.

"The swelling was too bad last night for me to see it," she said as she held up the tweezers. "You want a towel to bite or something because this is going to really hurt."

"Why?"

"I don't trust peroxide to keep this clean enough so I'm going to have to use isopropyl to clean the tweezers and the wound," she said.

"I don't know what that means," I said.

"Rubbing alcohol," she explained, "Something is stuck in there and I need to dig it out. The alcohol is going to sting and me digging in there won't feel too nice either. Do you want the towel?"

I nodded and used the hand she wasn't working on to shove it into my mouth. She wasn't kidding when she said the alcohol would hurt. Just poke a hole in your hand and pour alcohol over it if you don't believe me. I did alright with not screaming like a little girl but that was much more of a challenge once she took up the tweezers and started poking around in my hand. I really thought I might pass out but eventually she made a satisfied grunt and poured peroxide over it before bandaging it up and patting me on the head.

"Do you want a lollipop now, little boy?" she asked.

"Actually that would probably make this much better," I said, "What was in there anyway?"

"It looks like part of a tooth," she said almost laughing and holding the thing up. "I probably shouldn't be that happy about it but I really am."

"What's going on?"

Sherry and I both looked up to see Emma standing in the doorway.

"Just a little minor surgery," Sherry told her, "Tough guy here got a tooth stuck in his fist."

"Jimmy?" Emma started all concerned like, "What on earth did you do?"

I looked at Sherry.

"You think I was going to go blabbing about it?" she asked, "I thought you knew me better than that."

"Well, someone better tell me and soon," Emma said with her hand on her hip.

"I left my apartment last night and found Stan waiting outside," I began, "I really tried to keep my temper in check but there's only so much a man can hear before it's just too much."

I thought I was in for a tongue lashing for sure but Emma came toward me and took my hands and looked at them real hard. Then she kissed them and patted my cheek before turning and walking out of the bathroom without a word.

"That was really weird," I said.

"Yeah," said Sherry, "I mean, I could tell she was pretty cool but I really expected her to read you the riot act."

"Maybe I should see if she's okay," I said almost more to myself than to Sherry. "She looked like she might cry or something and she doesn't do that too often."

I looked down at my hand.

"Am I good to go Doctor?" I asked sort of teasing but not really. We all knew she wasn't stopping at an undergraduate degree and she didn't. In time she was a doctor, just not a medical one.

"You are free to go," she said.

I went off to find Emma. I was hoping I was imagining things in the look she gave me after she saw my hands but I wasn't. If I had been then she would have been in the living room with the rest of the women and the babies. I kept looking and found her in the kitchen just standing in front of the sink and staring out the back window. Emma was a woman who kept a strong control over her emotions but I could see she'd let a couple of tears escape her as she obviously thought no one would see. I walked over to her and just stood and looked out the window with her for a while. I wasn't sure what to say but as it turned out, I didn't have to.

"You're so much like him," she said without looking away from whatever had her so transfixed in her back yard and really I know there wasn't anything in the yard, she was looking across a whole lot of years and not through a window pane.

"Who am I like, Emma?"

"Edward," she answered, "He was an impulsive child too." She finally drew her gaze from the window and looked at me. "He would have been about your age now too, maybe a year older. He always wanted to be the hero riding in on his horse with his white hat to rescue the damsel in distress. Looking after you was like I got a second chance to raise him. It was almost too perfect with all of you boys. I didn't have my son anymore and none of you had real parents. You needed me, all of you. But I think somehow you needed me most. I don't know how Kid managed and he did need me a little bit but Ike and Buck had each other. You were my chance at mothering my son again. The number of times I almost called you Edward, I can't even begin to tell you. When you were young I could even handle you getting into trouble because I knew it was mostly the kind of trouble Edward might have gotten into if he'd lived. I would yell at you and scold you because I could."

She dropped her eyes to the sink and knotted her fingers together.

"I can't scold you anymore," she said, "You're not my little boy, you're a man. I'd like to think you're the man Edward might have grown into but it doesn't change the fact that you don't need me anymore."

I couldn't believe she could think for a moment that I could ever not need her.

"Emma," I said and she lifted her eyes to mine. "You don't stop being someone's mom just because they grow up. I need you. I think I might even need you more now that the guys have all left me in the dust wondering where I am and what I'm doing with my life. Joanie and I will get married sometime and I'll need you there with me 'cause I don't expect I'll see either of my parents there and who else will I call from the hospital when Joanie and I finally get to having one of those babies everyone says are so great? And right now I could use someone to talk to because I don't know at all if what I done was right or not and I'm real tore up about it. You wouldn't quit being a mom to me now right when I need you, would you?"

"You think of me like a mother?"

"I do," I said, "I have a choice between the one that loves me and the one that don't. I'll pick the one that does every time."

"I do love you, you know."

"I love you too, Emma," I said, "Or I could start calling you mom."

That comment earned me a playful swat and a big hug.

"Oh and don't worry too much about what you did to him," she said, "He had it coming. I'm just glad you weren't hurt worse. You should go see how Joanie's doing."

I kissed Emma's cheek, "I can hear the babies giggling in here so I'm sure she's just fine." But I did go in to check on her anyway and I was right, she was playing with those little cuties and looking so happy and natural doing it that I didn't even want to go out and talk to the men. I just wanted to stare at Joanie and watch her eyes dance as she laughed with the little ones.

* * *

><p><strong>Well that seemed not so heavy...yay for that...and yay for Mr. Cohen and yay for Sherry. I like her. <strong>

**Um Jewish stuff...aninut is the period between death and burial...usually not more than a couple of days as Jewish burials are to take place as soon as possible. The family receives no visitors until after the burial when they are sitting Shiva. During Shiva, the son of the deceased must say a prayer called kadddish in front of a minyan (10 men from the congregation and I think now women can too but then it would have been all men). During Shiva the family does not change clothes, wear make-up or style their hair. Mirrors are all covered so the grieving do not have to look upon their own sorrow. At least that's one of the reasons. Shiva is seven days following burial. There is more to the mourning process in Judaism but that's the intensive period of mourning.**

**Had a decent day where the battle of my kid v. the school rages on but significant strides were made on our side. However, a dear friend of our family could use your prayers/well-wishes/loving thoughts/good vibes/etc. She was involved in a serious car accident and we are still awaiting word on her condition. The irony is that she is at U of M hospital in Ann Arbor...great hospital though so that is a positive. Stay safe out there!-J**


	35. Chapter 35

Joanie went back to school that Monday and the bruising around her eye had faded enough that she could cover it with makeup. There shouldn't have been any shame for her but it was a different time and I think more of it had to do with not wanting to tell the story a hundred times over.

Sam said that Stan had come into the station to talk about pressing charges but had decided against it when Sam told him that Mr. Cohen and Mr. Shapiro both would argue my case and that his history of attacking from cover would come into play and it would look like self defense. Sam also warned him against coming around Joanie anymore, told him if he couldn't figure out how to treat a woman then he maybe should stay single for a while.

I could see Sam sort of hemming and hawing about telling me all about that but he and I had a pretty good respect and I think he knew I would be fine. Actually I was better than fine. Knowing that he probably would stay away and that I didn't have to worry about getting locked up was great news.

Sam did something else that week that changed a lot of things in our world pretty drastic. He asked Emma to marry him. He got her a nice ring and when he brought her home from dinner one night he got down on one knee and the whole shebang. She said yes and didn't even think about it. But then I think she did a lot of thinking after the ring was on her hand. Sometimes I think people think too much and about things that don't need any thought at all. She brought me lunch one day at work and sat down to talk to me while I ate.

"Are you okay with me marrying Sam?" she asked like any part of it should be my decision.

"Sam's a good man," I said.

"He is," she said, "That's not what I'm asking."

"I think it's about time you got a bit of happiness for yourself and you've been the happiest I've ever seen you since Sam came along. It's not my choice Emma. I like Sam but the only thing I really care about is he treats you good and makes you happy."

"Would you walk me down the aisle, Jimmy?"

"I'd be proud to Emma, I really would."

I didn't hear much from Joanie that week but that was okay, we both needed to get our heads back in our studies. I was feeling less secure about my classes that semester. Over the summer I'd taken real basic classes to sort of get used to even being in school but I had to take some stuff that seemed really foreign to me. I remember taking biology that semester and I remember Sherry helping me study a couple of times. I was so scared going in because I just didn't know what to expect but it was actually really interesting and sort of fun too. There were so many things I hadn't even given myself a chance to like when I'd been younger. I wonder at how empty my life would have been without Joanie and if I would have even known what I was missing.

When I saw Joanie again, she didn't need makeup to cover the bruise on her eye anymore. It had healed and for the most part my hands had also. Later in the night when I helped her out of her blouse I saw that the bite marks had faded and probably weren't going to leave a scar. Somehow we were going to get through this without any physical reminders of it at all. If only the other scars left by Stan healed as quickly. Still she would bristle sometimes when I would touch her or if I held too tightly when we were making love. I understood why she was like that but it was real hard to not take that personally and I was tying myself in knots from holding back so much. There was usually such passion when we were together, what you might call abandon. But after Stan I always had to be thinking about if I was hurting her or scaring her or making her uncomfortable and it was taking a toll at times on our being together.

She was getting better though, I could tell. We spent a lot of time that weekend just reading and catching up on school work and it felt normal most of the time. She talked a little about Zaydeh but mostly her classes and music and Sherry and normal things and hell, even a sick grandparent isn't all that abnormal I guess. She still jumped if a neighbor slammed a door or something and I made the mistake of coming up behind her in the kitchen and putting my arms around her without warning her I was there. Got the wind knocked out of me for that. Really, if you looked past the haunted sort of look in her eyes and the erratic way she was in bed, she was damned near back to normal.

But there was that haunted look. The one that said she didn't feel safe anywhere and feared she may never again. I knew she didn't sleep well. There were bad dreams and while they weren't bad enough to wake her, they were enough to leave her exhausted in the mornings. That was a helpless feeling knowing how sad and scared and tired she was and there wasn't a thing I could do about it.

And when I say she was erratic in bed, I mean that too. I just never knew where I stood. Sometimes she was so frightened to be touched at all I almost thought to move to the couch. Other times she needed me holding her which was at least contact and still kept me in my place as her protector. Sometimes she wanted to make love but then would seem so unsure about it but she wouldn't let me stop. I did anyway one time and she just laid there and cried though the way she had been acting I think anything I did would have ended with her crying. Then there were the times when she was so desperate that she would nearly attack me. I have to admit that's kind of a turn on until I caught sight of her eyes and saw the need to replace her hurt and fear with something else. I really started to wonder if our life in the bedroom was always going to be so poisoned by what he did and the worst thing was that I didn't even know who to talk to about it. If we was married then I would have gone to Emma maybe but there's no way I could talk to her about sex that wasn't taking place in a marriage. She shot me enough evil looks about it as it was. If Lou wasn't so far away, I would've talked to her but it wasn't the sort of thing I could put in a letter and even more not the sort of conversation I could have on a long distance call with her bouncing little Bobby on her hip. The guys would all try to help, I knew but what any of them would know about how a woman feels about sex really probably fit in a thimble. I thought about asking Al but then he seemed really uncomfortable around Joanie once he found out so I think his solution was to tiptoe around her like she was made of glass and might break at too much noise or movement nearby. It wasn't how he handled much in his life but I don't think he'd ever dealt with anything like this. These days there's so much out there I could have typed "psychological effects of sexual assault" into the computer and learned more than any ten people could tell me. But we didn't have that stuff then. I know us old geezers talk about how much better and simpler things was back in the day but simpler don't mean better in every situation. I could have really used Google or something back then.

I figured out a solution even though I knew it wasn't a perfect one. I waited outside the building when I knew his shift would be over. I could have gone in and I know a job like his a scheduled shift meant little. He sometimes had to stay longer. But for maybe the first time in those few weeks, fate smiled on me and there he came just about five minutes past five.

"Sam?" I called to him and he turned toward me.

"Jimmy?" he sort of answered and asked at the same time. "What brings you down here? Is Emma alright?"

"She was as of when she brought me and Al some lunch today," I said and I sounded easier than I felt right about then. "I thought maybe we could grab a drink or bite to eat and maybe talk a little."

I looked down at my feet. I know that men talk to dads all the time and it shouldn't be a cause for embarrassment or anything but I didn't have a dad and I couldn't even really go to the man who'd been closest to one to me anyway. I know Emma was old enough to be my mom 'cause she told me though I wouldn't have guessed it otherwise. I think Sam might have been a little younger than Emma, not much but enough that he wasn't old enough to be my dad. But there I was asking it of him or at least for him to act big brother or trusted uncle to some street punk he didn't even hardly know. I know I didn't dress like a hood anymore but I still felt like one a lot.

"Sure," he said and put a hand on my shoulder and led me to his car. We found a place where we could grab a couple of beers and some burgers. We sat in a far back table and ordered and talked sports until the food came.

"I guess we should've had this talk sooner," he said to me and I was pretty confused.

"I don't know how you would have thought to," I said.

"I guess I'm out of practice," he said, "I should have come to you before I went to her."

"Sam," I said to him, "I get the feeling we're not talking about the same thing. Why don't you tell me what you think we should be talking about?"

"Emma," he said as if that explained anything which it didn't.

"What about Emma?"

"Well, I admit it's been a number of years since I did any courting and I guess that tells you how long because that's what we called it then. I remember when I asked Adele's daddy for her hand," he said and I was starting to get a glimmer of an idea. "I know Emma's a lady on her own but that doesn't mean she doesn't have gentlemen who look out for her. I probably ought to have come to you before I popped that question to her."

I laughed at him. I mean I really laughed.

"I won't lie," I said, "She's like a mom to me and I care about her and I probably came off like some over protective father when you first met her but you don't need anyone's permission to marry that woman but hers. If I need to tell you anything concerning Emma it's thanks. She's happy like I don't think she's been since her little boy died and I didn't know her then."

Sam took a drink and looked a little sheepish.

"Who's Adele?" I asked.

"You didn't think I was always the free and easy single guy you see before you, did you?" he asked, "Adele was my wife. She's dead."

"I'm sorry," I said.

"It was a lot of years ago," he said but something told me that no number of years was going to make it hurt less.

"How'd she die, if I'm not being too nosy?"

"She was in the wrong place at the wrong time," he said, "She went out to run some errands and happened to be at the bank when some men tried to rob it. We'd been married all of six months."

I just shook my head, I mean, what do you even say to something like that? He sighed and put the memories away to wherever he housed them most of the time.

"So what did you really want to talk about if it wasn't Emma?"

"Joanie," I said, "Well me and Joanie; it's kind of hard to talk about but there's things that just aren't the same anymore. It's scaring me 'cause I don't know if we can get back what we had or if we can, how to do it."

"I can see where that would be a delicate matter to talk to just anyone about."

"Yeah," I said, "I wasn't even sure about asking you but then you seemed to understand her so well, I still don't know and I'm sure a lot of folks would say we shouldn't be worrying about that anyway seeing as we're not married or nothing but, well, we are both adults."

"You don't have to defend yourself, Jimmy," he said, "I'm no judge and I've dated a bit since Adele."

It was hard at first to tell him what had been bothering me. If I'd been talking to Kid or Buck or Ike, it would have been easy to talk about this sort of thing but someone older like Sam, well, it seemed weird. Thing was those guys wouldn't have been able to help me like Sam could. He listened and eventually it got a lot easier to talk. I poured my heart out like I rarely did with anyone. When I finished he paused for a bit and signaled the waitress to bring another beer and then his attention turned to me.

"Talk to her," he said.

"Do what?"

"Talk," he repeated, "You know, that thing where you move your mouth and words come out. I know you can do it because you just talked to me for a half hour straight practically without breathing. And I'd recommend you not be in a glorified bar when you have this talk. That's fine enough for two men to talk but she'll feel more comfortable somewhere else."

"I can't talk to her about this," I said.

"So you can do these things with her but you can't talk about them?"

It did sound like a dumb excuse when he put it that way.

"But-" I started before he cut me off.

"Did it ever occur to you that she might want to talk too but might be too shy?" he asked me, "You know guys talk about this all a lot more than girls do. Women amongst themselves talk a little more but that poor girl probably doesn't have hardly anyone to confide in about this either. You think she's going to go home and talk to her mother? Her sister? She can't talk to Emma any more than you can and she'd feel even more awkward about it besides. Sherry's a nice girl and I'm sure they're close but unless Sherry's more experienced than I think she is, she's not going to be a great deal of help."

I hadn't even thought of how lonely Joanie must be. She did have Aaron but then he was a guy. A gay man is still a man and while some might be really good shopping buddies or good for a makeover or to share sundaes with when you're going through a breakup or something, they are still guys. No matter how good a friend Aaron was to her, he couldn't really know what she's going through. I couldn't either, of course but it was a matter between us and all the talking she might want to do and actually do with Aaron wasn't going to get that giant gap between she and I gone.

"Thanks Sam," I said.

A couple of days later I had a chance to spend some time with Joanie. My class that evening had been canceled so I called to see if she wanted to do something. I really put a lot of thought into where to take her. I wanted her to be comfortable and I wanted someplace that seemed neutral. I wanted privacy without her thinking that I was having the conversation as a sort of demand. An earlier and less understanding time in my life and I might have been making some demands. The most satisfying release I'd had over those few weeks, well since that first day in her apartment, had been alone in the shower. It's not at all how you imagine it when you think of having a girlfriend. I ruled out my apartment for being too easy to think I wanted to haul her off to bed and the roof of the garage for being too close to winter to be any sort of comfortable. Public places were out because I fully expected there to be tears from her and she wouldn't want to make a scene. I needed for her to feel safe in talking to me. I realized there would be a flaw with every place I thought of so finally I just drove around and figured as long as I was driving that she couldn't think I'd be trying to put moves on her and if she wanted me to stop the car anywhere, I could and we could talk.

"Are we actually going anywhere?" she asked and her voice was so close to being its normal playful tone that I almost chickened out and thought to live with the other problems but then I remembered the haunted look that never left her eyes and all the times she would cry out in her sleep and what Sam had said about her not having anyone to talk to and I thought I needed to talk even if it was hard and even if it backfired on me something awful because I had to give her the chance to open up to me, to feel safe with me again.

"Not just yet honey, " I said, "I wanted to talk and I couldn't think of a good place to have the conversation I think we need to have and I thought if I am busy driving then you can't mistake my meaning."

"Well that was cryptic, James," she said trying not to sound worried and I know she was because typically when someone you're in a relationship with says they want to talk, it's bad news.

"I don't even know how to start this talk except to say that if you are worried I have something bad to say, you don't need to be," I told her, "I love you and I always will."

"So, in what way could I mistake your meaning?" she asked.

"Well, I want to talk about how we are together, I mean, well, in bed and, you know," I sure was doing a great job of talking.

"I'm just still a little off," she said looking out the window of the car.

"I know," I said, "And I get that things are still hard for you but I want to better understand and I want to know how to help and I want to know why even when you look uncertain or scared you still want to do it."

"I want to go home," she said, "Now."

I tried to hide my dismay as I turned at the next intersection and headed west toward Ann Arbor.

"James," she said, "Did you forget where you live?"

"You meant my place?"

"Yes," she said but she didn't sound convincing. I pulled into the first parking lot I came to and stopped the car.

"Look me in the eye, please," I said, "I need to talk to you, I need to know what you're thinking and feeling, not be part of some challenge to prove to yourself you can still be tough. Do you really want to have this discussion at my place? I will take you wherever you really want to be but I need for you to feel safe."

"I never feel safe," she said softly, "Never, that's the worst part of it. I know it but I don't feel it. My head and my heart want to be at your apartment. Another part of me where the fear comes from doesn't but it's stupid and I don't want to listen to it anymore, not where you are concerned."

I put the car in gear and headed toward my place.

* * *

><p><strong>Well, here's one conversation that's going to be interesting to write...And yeah I just made up a name for Sam's dead wife...I was too lazy to look it up and Adele popped into my mind so whatever 1860's Sam's dead wife's name was, 1960's Sam was once married to a woman named Adele. That's why I'm the author...so I can make up random crap whenever I feel like it.<strong>

**So the friend of mine who was in the accident is actually fine. She was badly bruised by the seatbelt (that I thank God she was wearing) and was checked at the hospital as a precaution but she is fine and already home again.**

**Not much else to say about this chapter except that I am so happy Emma and Sam are getting married because he's such a good man and she needs one of those. And this leads me to an uncomfortable place where I get to try to be very frank about emotions and how they affect actions without getting too explicit. I have my reasons for wanting to keep this to a PG-13 rating and this conversation is one where I could surely let it get out of those bounds. So we'll see how that goes...-J**


	36. Chapter 36

It was uncomfortably quiet all the way to my place and I was grateful we were close so it wasn't drug out any longer. We got inside the apartment and sat on the couch. I didn't know which one of us was supposed to start the talking and if it was me I sure didn't know what to say. It stayed quiet like we were strangers on a blind date or something. Finally I had to say something.

"You know I never want to hurt you, right?"

"You never have," she said.

"Yes I have," I shot back, "Only once was it your body I hurt and I tried real hard not to. The rest of the times I hurt your feelings and I sometimes wonder if that's not worse. Either way I've hurt you plenty and I don't want to pile onto the pain he caused you."

"I don't know what to tell you about this," she said and I could hear her voice start to catch and see her eyes shine with the moisture there.

"What do you want me to understand? What do you wish you could tell someone, anyone? Tell me everything," I said.

She sighed and then looked around the room and then at me but just as quickly she looked down before speaking.

"I don't want to hurt you," she said and there it was, she was trying to protect me.

"Sweetie," I said as gently as I could while wishing I had killed Stan. "You won't hurt me because this is all about what he did to you. I don't want to make this about me because, I just don't."

Yeah best not to explain that if we make it about me there would be some giant guilt trip heading her way about things she couldn't control. And I wouldn't have admitted it then but anything she said was going to hurt me plenty but then looking in her eyes those days did the same thing so I figured I'd just live with it.

She sighed like she was going to speak but then she didn't and just looked around the room again like a rabbit cornered by a dog and looking for a way out. I reached to her purse on the floor and handed it to her.

"I know the knife is in there," I said, "Get it and hold it. I know you won't ever need to use it on me but maybe it'll help you be not so scared."

She did what I said and it did seem to calm her down. I was trying to remember what Sam had said about giving her control back. I snapped my head up when she started talking.

"You know how people say that someone took their dignity or self-respect or things along that line?"

I nodded.

"That's bull," she said, "There are things that can be taken and things that can't. He didn't take my virtue or my dignity though I have seemed to misplace them. You didn't take my virginity although that's the way people talk about things like that. I gave it freely. Of course that is something that can be taken by force I suppose. Dignity, virtue, honor, self-respect; these are things you can give away, lose and I suppose even sell but they cannot be stolen through force or anything else."

She paused and I could see how hard she was fighting to not dissolve into tears.

"I still have those things even if I'm not sure how to find them all the time," she said bitterly, "But there are things that can be taken by force. He took my peace of mind, my sense of security and I'm not sure those things come back when they've been taken like mine were."

"I don't know if he stole my joy or if I lost it but I can't seem to find it anywhere. I try so hard and it's just not there," she said and the tears that had threatened began to fall over her lashes while she kept talking. "All I have left is fear and anger and hate. I try to be with you and at least find pleasure but it's like being dead inside. I love you and I want you and I want what we had. I want to be safe in your arms again and I want that pleasure you used to give me. I want it so bad because I think I could handle the sadness and the fear and the blinding rage if I could have that blinding pleasure back. I think I've become frigid."

"I doubt that," I told her, "I just think you're putting way too much pressure on yourself to get there and not just letting it happen."

We talked a lot more and there was a lot more to it than what she said at first and I knew that before she got into it. Stan had told her that if a guy got, you know, aroused and didn't finish that it would cause him some injury. That's a line some guys use and I probably did once or twice too but it's not true. We'll get through it without permanent damage. It's not comfortable or anything but it's possible to get over the arousal. And when it's not then there's always the option of sneaking off to the bathroom and taking care of things yourself. She was preoccupying herself so much with following through that she wasn't relaxing and just enjoying being touched or held or anything else I was trying to do for her. I finally got her to understand that it wasn't going to break from me not getting off and that she didn't even have to want that to want to touch me and be touched by me. There was a voice in my head yelling the whole time that I shouldn't say what I was saying and reminding me of all the cold showers I'd probably be in for but if anything I told her got my Joanie back, got her to at least feel safe with me, then that voice from below my waist could just stuff it.

She'd been on the far end of the couch from me gripping my knife so hard her knuckles were turning white but as we talked, she quit gripping it so tight and once I finally got through to her that I wanted everything in her control for a while she scooted across the couch toward me and rested her head against me.

"Am I less scary now?" I asked.

"I always knew I didn't need to be afraid of you," she said, "I just, well, I don't know how to explain it."

"I understand," I told her, "When I first started hanging out at Al's and I met Emma; I spent a fair amount of time flinching away from the both of them. Al can be gruff sometimes but that man wouldn't strike a child and that's all I was at the time and surely no one could ever fear Emma. But I did. It took me a good year or two to trust that I wasn't going to get beat or something."

"I forget," she said, "You do know what I'm going through."

Well, things got a lot better after that talk and I made sure to thank Sam the next time I saw him. I don't mean they just got better in bed though they did. I did end up needing a couple of cold showers but getting control back soon led to us getting something real close to our old sex life back.

Zaydeh Cohen passed away and I know I had learned all about Jewish mourning and all when I was studying for conversion but that was my first close and personal look at it. I understood in my studies all the ways the mourning rituals were meant to honor the person who'd passed on but going through them helped me understand the comfort they could give to the bereaved as well.

After that mourning period, Joanie set to helping Emma with her wedding plans. It turned out a real nice wedding. I know Emma missed Kid and Lou being there but getting away from the Army even for a little while isn't all that easy and the wedding of a person who is like a mother to you isn't enough to get that pass. The rest of our bunch was there though and some of Emma's lady friends from church and the other side of the aisle was made up mostly of Detroit's finest. I was the one to walk Emma down the aisle just like I said I would. We was standing at the back of the church waiting for it to be time and Emma was pacing like a Tiger at the zoo.

"Emma," I said to her, "Why are you acting so nervous? You aren't having second thoughts are you?"

"Not about marrying him," she replied.

"Then what?" I asked.

"It's, well, it's nothing."

She might not have been able to say it but I understood. For something that is such a regular part of our lives, it sure does cause a lot of anxiety.

"He's a gentle man," I reminded her, "He loves you and he'll be patient."

She smiled at me and blushed a little that I had figured out the cause of her worry.

After that wedding things settled a lot for all of us. I worked days and went to school nights. Joanie dove back into her schoolwork and every time I saw her she was a little closer to the old Joanie. She was still a little jumpier and more cautious but she got her joy back more and more and was scared less and less.

Chanukkah came and went and then Christmas. We all sent packages to Kid and Lou and the little ones. I think it goes without saying that we wished they could come home for the holidays but it just wasn't meant to be that year.

Bill Cody came home for the holidays though. Of course East Lansing is a lot easier to get back from and school shuts down. I think with Kid and Lou being gone and the other guys moving forward with wives and babies and even Emma getting married, that it meant more to me to be able to see Bill sometimes. He was doing real good up at State and had decided to major in journalism. I can't say it was a huge surprise. He was a good storyteller. TV news was still a new industry but the way the girls flocked to Bill I figured he'd do alright on TV and he was a good writer if he did to that type. He really wanted to be the next Walter Cronkite though. While the rest of us were asking him about his classes and such, Emma was busy badgering him about finding a nice girl. It wasn't for a lack of trying and he was getting more serious what with school and such so I didn't understand either how he hadn't found a steady girl. Well, I guess if you believe in fate then that part will make sense in time.

By the time the Tigers came north after spring training, things seemed so normal it was almost spooky. Not that I wanted to look a gift horse in the mouth or anything but we'd had so much chaos and trouble that when things got going good, it sort of felt like you had to brace yourself for whatever might happen next.

Well, then something did happen and I guess in the grand scheme of things, it was nothing compared to some of the other things we'd gone through, certainly nothing to rival what we went through after Stan blazed his path through our lives. It was a Saturday night and I was sound asleep with Joanie right beside me. It had been months since her last nightmare and I'll tell you that she rarely had them after that. I know when you go through something like that it seems like you never get to be okay again and I know she and I both worried about that. I remember her once crying to me that she just wanted her life back but that's another lesson you learn from going through something that traumatic. You don't get your life back. You get a life and you get some say in what it looks like but you're never really the same person again. I had to accept that Joanie would always be a little more aware and she had to accept that I'd always be a little extra protective but we worked through things and like I said, on this night we were snuggled together and peaceful with just that.

The knocking woke me up and I looked at the clock and I will always remember the time because there are some things you just always remember every detail of. It was 2:58 a.m. I rolled out of bed and pulled on my jeans fastening them as I went. I could hear Joanie behind me and knew she was scared because people just didn't beat on your door at that hour. If I know her she probably had that switchblade in her hands too but I never looked behind to notice. I opened the door a little way and saw Sam there so I opened it all the way and let him in. I knew Sam was working the overnight shift that weekend but I still didn't know why he was hauling me out of bed at that hour on a Saturday night. He didn't look happy.

"Hey Jimmy," he said and then nodded behind me, "Joanie." I quickly did look at her and was grateful that for once she was wearing pajamas and not some flimsy nightgown or one of my t-shirts. Not that Sam was going to leer at her or anything but it just didn't seem right for her to be standing there in next to nothing.

"What's going on Sam?" I might have gone with some small talk or even offered him some coffee or something but it was late and I knew there was a real reason he was there.

"Jimmy," he said, "I'm afraid I don't have very good news for you."

"I figured that," I said, "It's three in the morning. You don't pound on people's doors at this hour with good news."

I don't know when she had crossed the room but Joanie was clinging tight to me. One thing that never did change in her no matter what she went through and that was that sixth sense she had for knowing when someone needed comfort. I nodded to a chair for Sam and Joanie and me sat down to hear what this was all about.

"There was an accident tonight," he began and my blood went cold. All I could think of was Ike or Buck or even Al being hurt or maybe even worse. "Your parents are dead, Jimmy."

I didn't even know what to think of that. I hadn't seen them in over three years. They never had tried to find me even though I spent half that time living all of eight blocks from them and all of it working right there. The only things they had truly given me were a few scars and a couple of bones that could predict rain. Still it hurt to hear they were dead. I don't know why or didn't at that time. I just stared at Sam. I know he didn't know all of my conflicted thoughts but he surely knew some of them. There was no way he was with Emma as long as he was without knowing a good deal of my past too.

"I don't even know the right thing to say right now," Sam said, "I am sorry to be the one bringing the news though. I'll be back over when I get off work this morning."

Joanie saw Sam to the door and I saw them share a few words and glances back at me. I just couldn't even move or respond to their looks at all. I think shock would be the best way to describe it. Once she had closed the door behind Sam, Joanie turned off the lamp and grabbed my shoulders leading me back to the bedroom. Joanie reached down and unbuttoned my jeans before sliding them off and guiding me back to bed. She climbed in next to me and pulled me to her resting my head on her chest and planted soft kisses on my head. She whispered gentle things telling me it was alright and she was there and everything would be just fine. I don't know when the tears started but they did start and they continued for quite a while. Through it she just held me and spoke soft and soothing and kissed my head and face.

* * *

><p><strong>Sorry for the absence folks but this chapter nearly kicked my tuchus. I rewrote it at least 3 times. I finally went off and wrote a different story for another site where my stuff gets published. It was a ghost story and lots of fun to write. Once I finished it, I felt more like I could face Jimmy and Joanie again. I'm really interested to see how Jimmy gets through the emotions. Kids love their parents even if the parents are crappy and probably a part of him thought there might be some sort of chance to confront them or even reconcile and maybe they'd be nice and supportive and maybe even meet Joanie and like her but sometimes those chances don't come.<strong>

**So, in other news, the Red Wings picked Nick Lidstrom's 1500th game to decide to fall completely apart. If they could have made it at least close but they lost 7-1. So ticked off at them. But then my Lidstrom sweater was needing a washing and I couldn't very well wash it while they were on a winning streak. But the Spartans won...on a Hail Mary pass at the very last second of the game. Had to go to video review even but they won. Very exciting and quite the way to go on Homecoming and that leaves them undefeated in the Big 10. So Yay Spartans! And the Midland Chemics (my high school) won against the cross town rival Dow Chargers on Friday night. So that was wonderful! 38-13 is a very decisive win, I think.**

**Still working on resolving all the issues with my son but I really appreciate the kind thoughts. We should have everything settled Tuesday afternoon so that is good.**

**I guess that's all from this end of things. I love you all and hope this chapter worked because I am still not entirely sure. I mean it gets me somewhere I needed to get to but not sure of it entirely. Of course I am insecure sometimes when I don't need to be. Anyway, let me know.-J**


	37. Chapter 37

I might've slept a little in all that crying but if I did it wasn't much. Joanie just held me and I let her but then that's how it's supposed to be. I held her when Zaydeh Cohen died and she held me then. I know I was a mess when Sam came knocking in the morning. Joanie looked at me and told me to go splash some cold water on my face and she went to answer the door. When I came out of the bathroom she and Sam was sitting at the kitchen table over coffee. I sat down.

"Did you tell Emma you was coming here?" I asked, "If you're not home when she expects you she's going to think the worst."

"I called Emma," he said, "She's much more worried about you right now. So am I."

"How did it happen?" I asked and I'll say until the words passed my lips it hadn't occurred to me to even wonder.

"Car accident," he replied, "It appears both of your parents were drunk. Your dad was driving and he wrapped the car around a light post. He died at the scene and your mom in the ambulance on the way to the hospital."

"They didn't hurt anyone else, did they?"

"No," he said.

That was good that they were keeping their damage path limited.

"You're going to need to get them buried somehow," Sam said to me, "There's a lot of options there though. I don't know if you're up to talking about them but the morgue is ready to release the bodies whenever you want."

I nodded for him to continue.

"You can claim them and bury them somehow and you know we'd all help you out with that," he began, "Or you can refuse to claim them and eventually they'll go to Potter's Field."

"Can I think?" I asked. I was still settling into the idea they was gone and I wasn't sure how I felt or what I wanted.

"Yeah," he said, "You have a few days."

Then he stood up and said, "I'd better be getting home to Emma." He put a hand on my back before he headed for the door though. "You call us if you need anything."

Joanie followed him to the door and I could hear her thank him for stopping by and then she hugged him before he left. I just sat there. I didn't move. I couldn't; all I could do was sit and stare into my coffee which was getting cold and I couldn't even bring myself to care too much about that.

I didn't hear Joanie come over to me but I did feel her arms go around me so I guess I could still feel though I wasn't so sure for a while if I could or if I wanted to.

"This isn't how it's supposed to be," I said, "It's not supposed to hurt like this. I don't even know why I care."

"You still loved them," she told me as she led me to the couch where she pulled me onto her so I could rest my head against her chest like the night before. "As long as they were still alive there was some kind of hope for them to come around."

"How could I still love people who did those things?"

"They were your parents," she said like I should have figured it out myself and I guess I should have. "You were still hoping for their approval, their love."

I knew she was right. I would sometimes think about seeing them again. Sometimes I would think how I would yell at them for all they did to me, for how they hurt me. Other times I thought of how maybe I'd see them at a store or something and they would run to me and embrace me and say how sorry they were and how they loved me. Now neither of those things would ever happen. It was an empty sort of feeling and I wasn't sure what to do with it at all.

"What should I do?" I asked her.

"I can't tell you that," she said, "Only you can decide that and I can't know everything you're feeling so I can't even guess at what I might do in your place."

I gripped her back tight and just laid there for a while and I think I was taking comfort in knowing someone loved me and that she knew I loved her.

"Is it bad I don't want to deal with this right now?" I asked.

"No," she said, "I think today can be a day of not dealing." She paused and thought for a minute, "If the weatherman was right it's supposed to be nice today, Belle Isle?"

It was a perfect day for Belle Isle with the trees just budding out. Sometimes it seems strange that there can be so much life right alongside so much death but on that day I was grateful for it. I needed to be reminded that life soldiered on no matter what problems silly little humans was trying to deal with. I tried to put it out of my mind that my parents had just died. I couldn't even use the words passed away or something else that gentle. It hurt and I could only think of hurting words. It is funny the years I considered myself an orphan and there I actually was and you wouldn't have thought it would hurt. You would have thought that it would have only been making official what was already understood. It wasn't like that at all. I wasn't sure what I was grieving really because it couldn't have been what I had.

"Penny for your thoughts," Joanie said as we walked along hand in hand.

"How can I miss them?"

She sighed and the psychology class she's had earlier that school year took over.

"You don't miss them," she explained, "You miss the idea. You miss that dream of what they could have been to you and what you could have had with them. As long as they were alive there was a chance even if it was slim to none."

I nodded. I know it was supposed to be a day off from dealing with what to do about the reality of my parents' bodies lying in the morgue but somewhere between the fresh air and spring blossoms I felt clarity.

"I think I should bury them," I said.

"Then that's what we'll do," Joanie said as she squeezed my arm tighter.

"You're not an orphan you know," Joanie said out of nowhere and I wondered how she had read my mind.

"What?"

"An orphan has no parents," she said, "You do and you have for years. Al and Emma are finer parents than most people get, I think. And you have a nice big family with your brothers and sister and sisters-in-law and nieces and nephews. And you have me."

I stopped and thought for a minute and swallowed hard to get rid of that lump I got thinking about those people I was so lucky to have in my life. I looked down at her and knew that Mr. Jagger was right about one thing. Even when we didn't get what we wanted or what we thought we wanted, we still got what we needed. Good old Mick was a great philosopher sometimes.

"You are really all the family I need," I said and I saw the effect those words had on her. For all the talk of marriage and even how far we were at that time to me actually taking a knee, that was the moment I proposed even if it wasn't in a question and even if there was no answer out loud from her. I know that was it and so did she.

There wasn't a lot more talking that day but then the big decisions had been made and there wasn't a lot of need to talk about them. In the later part of the day we headed over to Emma's. I was feeling a little clearer in the head and felt the need to be around my family. Joanie was right. I tried sometimes to scoff at those babies being taught to call me 'Uncle Jimmy' but deep down it felt good. I loved getting letters from little Theresa that started "Dear Uncle Jimmy". The fact was that once I thought about it, they were my brothers and that made me an uncle. And Emma was my mom for any purpose that mattered. When I had court dates when I was a stupid punk ass kid, Emma was right there for me every time. When visiting days came while I was in juvie, Emma was the one who came with cookies and hugs. Al saw past the tough talk and attitude and put me to work. He trusted me with keys to the shop and even with the cash box. He gave me advice and made sure I got a lawyer when I got into trouble. Buck and Ike spent afternoons shooting the breeze with me, giving advice and asking for it too. Kid and I were the only ones we had for a long while. No one else knew what we lived through and few would have understood anyway. Joanie once again was right and right then I needed my family.

Emma was getting Sunday dinner around when we arrived and I knew from experience that we were always welcome and there was always plenty and room at the table besides. I walked in and immediately was greeted by two wobbly little ones reaching up and saying some garbled version of "up". Well, what kind of uncle doesn't pick up his niece and nephew? Lisa was a little over a year at that time and Timmy, well, he wasn't quite that old but he walked early. I think he felt the need to keep up with Lisa. She was way better at walking though while he looked like he'd been on a three day bender.

I scooped up the babies and was rewarded with sloppy baby kisses. I tried to play off like I didn't want them to but I always loved how babies just shower that affection on without any reservation and that day I needed it more than most. Joanie was about to offer to take one of the babies but that way she had of knowing what I needed kicked in and she satisfied herself with planting kisses on each of the three of us and heading for the kitchen to see if any of the women needed help with anything.

Buck spotted me first. He was always the observant one and noticed things others didn't and when Ike moved to offer to take Timmy from me Buck stopped him leaving Timmy in my arms drooling and babbling at me. There's something really pure about the love that kids that young give. I usually was less comfortable holding them than I was that day. Once kids got a little bigger and could talk and stuff I was pretty good with them I thought. Theresa and I hit it off real quick and she was maybe seven when I first met her. Judy was tough to deal with at first but I think at least half of that was a test that I wouldn't have understood if it had been explained at the time but I surely did by then and I appreciated it. I felt like I didn't have to look out for Joanie all by myself all the time. So kids I was fine with but too often babies scared me. I think I was worried I was going to hold them wrong or they'd start crying and I wouldn't know what to do. It gets a little easier once you get your own just out of repetition. I still get panicked if I'm alone with a baby that starts crying though, even with enough experience to know the things to check on and do to make them stop. That day though I was too grateful for the slobbery kisses and their chubby little fists grabbing my shirt and their sweet little half word babbles that they were making in my ears to even think if I was holding them wrong or something. I guess it was another reminder of how life prevails no matter what. You get a lot of reminders like that through your life if you look for them and if you pay attention you'll find they are always there when you need them most. I think they're reminders to trust in God.

The men was all sitting there looking at me like they weren't sure what to say to me, what would be right. I just ambled in and sat down with the babies on my lap. They were content enough for a couple minutes and then wanted down to roam around. I wiped the side of my face.

"Timmy cutting another tooth?" I asked Ike and he nodded.

"Jimmy," Buck started in all serious but I stopped him.

"Today is the day off from dealing with it," I said, "Joanie said I was allowed that though I wasn't too successful. Just 'cause I wasn't dealing with it didn't stop me from thinking about it."

"How are you doing, son?" Al asked me.

"Right at this moment not too bad," I answered honestly, "Last night and parts of today I was doing pretty lousy."

I looked over at Sam, "I'm going to bury them. I don't know what all I have to do but I guess I'll work at starting to figure that out tomorrow. It seems the right thing to do and I think I need to do it for myself."

"You going to need a week off again?" Al asked referring to the time I took to sit Shiva with the Cohen family.

"Nah," I said, "They weren't Jewish and I know I'm still sorting stuff out where they're concerned but I don't see myself saying Kaddish for them. I might need a little time for arrangements and then the funeral or whatever but that should be all."

"Oh you poor dear!" was all I heard before Emma ran over to me and hugged me tight. I hugged her back and it felt so good but it hurt at the same time. What I had in that moment with Emma was all I had ever wanted from my own mother and if there had ever been a chance for it then it was long gone now. And I whispered in her ear too low for anyone else to hear and I'll tell you what I meant to say or what I thought I was going to say and it was, "I'm fine Emma." But that's not what came out. What I actually said was, "I'm fine Mom." It took everything I had not to shed the tears that sprang up right then and I doubt the family I had sitting in that room would have said a word if I'd let them fall. I hadn't called even my own mother 'mom' in so long the word almost felt foreign to me. Even before I left I had taken to just calling her 'Polly'. And I hadn't even seen the woman in years. Emma deserved the title, from all of us but I felt more so from me. She did for me what even good mothers probably wouldn't have. I know she said it was because I reminded her of Edward and maybe that was part of it but if it was only that she would have turned her back years before. I'm sure more than once she had to have thought of what a blight I was on his memory. She never strayed from me, never failed to give me a smile or a hug or even a swat upside the head when I needed it. When everyone else was at their wit's end with me, she found patience. Joanie was right, she was my mom even if she didn't give birth to me and even if I came to her mostly growed. If I am any kind of a decent man and I'd like to think I am, it's because of her.

She pulled back from me and took my face in her hands. I could see the tears standing in her eyes too.

"Thank you," she said softly and then added even softer so no one else heard, "You know I love you, right?"

I nodded and thought it an odd thing for her to say but then over the years I have come to understand it. As much as she was making sure that I knew I wasn't alone, that I wasn't an orphan, she was also making sure I understood that I was worthy of love. Might sound strange to you but when you're raised like I was, you sort of doubt that on a real basic level.

Emma kissed my forehead and then stood and told everyone that dinner was ready. She headed for the dining room wiping her eyes. I walked behind her and took my place at the table with my family and I never again would think of them as anything other than real family. Blood may be thicker than water as the saying goes but love is far greater than blood.

* * *

><p><strong>Well, hello again. Nice to see everyone. I am in a much better mood since writing my scary little tribute to Halloween. *sigh* Nothing clears your head quite like the refreshing breezes of a haunted town. I wonder if Stephen King has days this happy and productive when he's working on stuff or if he goes and writes some other strange something since horror is his bread and butter. Hmmm...<strong>

**Okay, trying not to think of how bad the Lions looked. I know some of it is due to having virtually no running backs. One has a concussion and another they tried to trade for a better player but the trade fell through when the physical the other team gave him showed a brain tumor. Bad for the team but probably saved the man's life so all in all good that they tried ton trade him. Still team needs a couple good RB's. But the rest of my day was quite nice indeed. My lovely, charming and beautiful step-daughter called to let me know to keep my calendar free for dress shopping with her for her wedding next summer. So fun and exciting. And then my sister-in-law came over to my in-laws where we spend our Sundays and she brought her two grown children and the oldest, my niece brought all of her kids so I got my baby fix today and my hug fix as well because the one that's not a baby-my great-niece-is a hugger. And I got my kissy baby fix too because teh younger of the babies is a little smoochie-poo. Oh I cannot wait to have my own grandbabies but until the knot is tied for those two I doubt it will happen and that's probably for the best too. But I still look forward to grandbabies so I can stop having to borrow my sister-in-law's. **

**So let me know what you think good or bad and I think I know the next chapter pretty well too so that should be up in another day or so. Oh wow...first today was all kinds of beautiful-nice colors on the trees and sun shining in blue skies-and now a nice thunder storm. I think it's time to turn in so I can enjoy the light show:-)-J**


	38. Chapter 38

I hate funerals. I don't know anyone who likes them but I really hate them. I know all the stuff we pray over and over that it is about God's will and there is a plan but frankly they are morbid and kind of disturbing. We got through it though and I stayed after the graveside bit to see them lowered into the ground. The whole family had been there, my family I mean. I don't know if my folks had anyone else in the world but if they did, they either don't read the obits or they didn't care enough to come. But that's alright. Mr. & Mrs. Cohen came too along with Judy and Eli and Naomi Shapiro. They had a younger son too, Dan and he was there too even though he'd never met me before. I told them they didn't have to come but they did and I really can't say how much that meant.

Now I say I hate funerals, and it's really just the standing around while the shell of your dead loved one sits in a box before being stuck in the ground that I find bothersome. I understand the need to grieve and I've been to a few things in my time called memorial services where pictures are looked at and there is a focus on the good times and not the sadness. I'm fine and all with accepting God's plan but I'd much rather spend my time being grateful for the time I had than mournful over the time I won't have any more.

Joanie was the only one who stayed behind with me and that was fine because I wasn't all comfortable with what I knew I had to do for myself and if there had been anyone else there, I wouldn't have done it. I watched the caskets into the ground and then Joanie quietly went and asked the workers if I could have a moment alone before they filled the holes in. I sat on the ground between them and cried.

"I should hate you both," I said to them, "I should curse you both to Hell and I probably should have let you both get tossed into unmarked plots at Potter's Field. I didn't do this for you, you know. I did it for me and I did it for my kids I might have someday. Don't expect to see me here saying Kaddish and putting stones on your markers though. Don't expect to see me at all. Of course that'll suit you just fine won't it? You never wanted to see me at all anyway, did you? I was just a kid, a baby really. I was your baby. Didn't that mean a damned thing to either one of you? Well, not like you give a crap but I've got things going right now. I'm back in school and have a clean record. Oh yeah, thanks for showing up and speaking for me in court. Wait, that wasn't you, was it? That was Emma and Al. I've got a girl now too; a nice girl. She's smart and funny and loves me which is something you never did. If all I had gotten out of life was what you two taught me, I wouldn't have her. There's no way I'd be a man who could deserve her coming from the two of you. Emma taught me how to treat a lady. Al taught me how to be a man. Check out now and that's just fine because I'm no orphan. You hear that? I am not an orphan. I am a good and decent man and people love me because I earned their love. I shouldn't have had to even try to earn yours but you just couldn't give it. But guess what? I still love you. How crazy is that? You beat me within an inch of my life more than once, threw beer bottles at me, locked me out in the winter when I wasn't even ten years old but I still love you. That just wasn't good enough for you though was it? Nothing I did was ever going to be enough. If I finish school and become a doctor or president of the freaking United States of America, it wouldn't be enough for you to even say you were proud. Hell it wouldn't have been enough for you to say anything but 'grab me another beer', would it?"

I paused and tried to catch my breath and wipe my eyes a little. Joanie knelt down next to me never minding her skirt on the soggy spring ground and she hugged me tight and cried along with me.

"Tell them everything," she said, "Don't leave anything out, my love."

"Not much more to say," I told her but then turned back to face those two plots where the earth yawned open waiting until it could swallow them up. "Except that you'll never know what you missed. You spent your lives hating the world and making it hate you back. You were angry and miserable and you could have known such joy. Hell, maybe I even could have brought it to you. We'll have kids someday and you'll never see those grandbabies. You wouldn't have seen 'em even if you didn't try to drive hammered. I wouldn't have allowed you to try to poison them like you did me. Now I don't have to even concern myself with it." I stood and dusted off my pants.

"God only knows what you were thinking half the time or why you did the things you did," I said, "It's all in His hands now."

I put my arm around Joanie's waist and led her from the graves and toward my car that would take us to Emma's. She was having people over like you do after funerals though there weren't many people to come and they weren't there out of any tender feeling to the deceased. I knew they were all there for me. I knew I had my own family but to think that Mr. Cohen and Mr. Shapiro cared that much was something I wasn't prepared for. It's one thing once we're married to come to something like that and I wouldn't have been surprised had they sent a card or flowers but to come, that was true feeling for me.

I was on the porch getting some fresh air when Judy came out to sit for a while. I looked up at her and gave what I could of a smile which wasn't much.

"You escaping the crowd too?" she asked and I nodded. She plopped herself on the swing next to me and it surprised me when she threw her arms around me. She'd hugged me before but usually it was when she greeted me or when we parted or when she was upset and needed my comfort. This hug was filled with a desperation to comfort me. I couldn't help but hug her back. She was a good kid even if sometimes she went out of her way to be a pest.

"She told you all about them, didn't she?" I asked.

"Not all about them, I'm sure," she said, "But enough."

I sat there for a while with my arm around her before she spoke again.

"You are going to marry her, aren't you?" she asked.

"I'm pretty sure," I answered, "Yeah."

"Good," she told me, "I like having a brother."

"Well, you know I'm not marrying her for you," I said teasing her a little, "But I kind of like having a kid sister too."

"She's about to fall apart again, you know," she told me. I did know. It was almost the end of the semester and she was getting close to having to declare a major. You can declare as early as you want but typically you have to declare by the time you start your junior year. It's just too hard to get to all the classes you need when you're still flailing around without focus. She'd had a lot of classes she liked and could see ways to help people with them but she didn't know what to do and the pressure was starting to get to her. I was about a year and a half in and technically a sophomore even though I started after her. Starting in the summer helped. I knew I was going to have to come up with a major too soon and was just as clueless as she was.

"I've got it covered," I told Judy, "I have finals week down to a science now."

"I know you do but I'd be a lousy sister if I didn't nag you about it."

I laughed at her and squeezed her. She had that same awareness her sister did and knew I needed to laugh a bit.

"Don't even tell me you're thinking on trading younger?" Al said from the doorway.

"You know me better than that old man," I said.

"I do at that," he said, "Whatever anyone else might say about you, you're loyal as the day is long."

"He better be," Judy said getting up to head inside and leave me to talk to Al, "Or he'll be floating in the Detroit River."

"I love you too, kiddo," I said and I know there was sarcasm in how I said it but I meant it too.

"Do all you need to do at the graveside, son?"

"Yeah," I said and suddenly the street looked real interesting even though there wasn't anything there to see. "Hadn't chatted with the folks in a while. I think we're about caught up now."

"Glad to hear it," he replied, "See you tomorrow morning?"

"First thing," I told him, "I'll have the coffee one when you get there so you can fully enjoy the paper."

"You always were a pain in the neck, you know that?" he said as he stood. I stood too and I think I've never been more shocked in my life than I was when he pulled me to him. He didn't say anything but he didn't have to. I understood.

Joanie came home with me that night. I know she was worried about me. Not like, thinking I was going to do myself in worried but worried I might drink myself into a stupor or spend a night crying with no one to hold me. We got in a she cracked a beer open for me before I could even think of heading to the kitchen and then she went to get ready for bed. We weren't headed there right then but she had been dressed for a funeral for a very long day and I know she wanted to get out of her skirt and stockings and get into comfortable nightclothes. I had just rid myself of the tie, jacket and even the dress shirt and was working on the belt as well so I could sit on the couch and be comfortable too while we maybe watched a little TV, when the phone rang. I shuffled to the kitchen and picked it up.

"Hello."

"Are you okay? I can't believe you didn't call me."

"Hey Kid," I said and I settled into one of the chairs at the kitchen table. "I thought about calling but it's crap news to give over the phone and there wasn't nothing you could have done anyway."

"I know," he said and I felt bad for not including him but then I know he didn't want to make me feel bad. "So, I know you've probably been asked this enough times to make you scream but I'm not close enough for you to punch me, how are you doing?"

"Well, you're allowed," I said, "But if one more person asks me that I might just deck them."

He laughed and then I could hear him get serious.

"Damn," he said, "Hard to believe Polly and your old man are gone."

"I know," I agreed, "How did you hear about it anyway?"

"A little bird in East Lansing gave me a call and mentioned it," he told me, "That's not why he was calling. He calls every now and then anyway."

"Good old Billy," I said, "So how are Lou and the kids?"

"Theresa's like a different little girl here," he said with all the pride of a father. I know Theresa was technically his sister-in-law but she was just a little girl and someone had to raise her after all. "She was always a good kid and pretty smart too but she's got so many friends here. I've never seen her this confident. It took a while to get over their mom dying but I think it was almost as much a weight off Tess as it was off Lou."

"I could tell as much from her letters," I said, "They're so cheerful now and she always sounds excited about something or another."

"She just dotes on Bobby too," he went on, "I worried that she might feel slighted to be in such need after her mom and all and then he would get so much attention but she showers more on him than anyone I think."

"I can't believe the last pictures you sent," I told him, "I mean I should because he's only a month younger than Lisa and she's walking and babbling and stuff but him not being here it seemed like I could freeze him in my mind as a newborn. But I guess he's just going to grow whether I'm there to watch it or not."

"Seems so," Kid said, "Sometimes I go to work and I am sure he is even bigger when I come home at night."

"And Lou," I pressed, "How's she doing?"

"She was nervous at first but the other wives are all really nice and they welcomed her right away. They took one look at her belly and decided to throw her a baby shower. The ladies all get together and those with real little ones let the babies play together while the older kids are in school. I know moving away was hard on her but she's finally settled. You should see her with Bobby. I know it doesn't fit in with some of the women's liberation stuff your girlfriend goes for but it's almost like she was born to do this."

"I think my girlfriend is a lot softer on some of those issues than you might think," I informed him though I could understand why he'd said it. Joanie was passionate and rarely let others see how conflicted she was.

He laughed a little knowing I wasn't getting offended or anything. Sometimes what I missed most with Kid gone was having that one person it was effortless to talk to. I could almost get there with Joanie and even Judy but they were women for one thing and would never entirely think like men and they hadn't known me practically my entire life like Kid had.

"How is Joanie?" he asked tenderly and I had a feeling someone had informed him of all we had gone through. I guessed Emma. I had mentioned briefly and sort of in passing about it once on the phone but I hated saddling him with stuff like that when he couldn't do anything and besides it was during some of the hardest times when I wasn't sure what was proper to say.

"She's great," I said and she really was. I could see the subtle differences between before and now but I don't think many others could. "I wouldn't have gotten through the last few days without her."

"I'm glad. I know some of the stuff you went through and not just that jerk that hurt her," he told me, "Her grandfather dying and all of it, poor girl. She's got two more years or one before she's done with school and you can get married?"

"Two," I answered, "Sometimes I wonder how we're going to make it. But somehow we will."

"Thank God you finally got over all that thinking she was going to run off with some college boy," he laughed at me. Enough time had passed that it was fair game between us. It still wouldn't be okay to tease about in front of the other guys for a while.

"Nah," I told him, "She didn't have to run off with one, she turned me into one."

"You're still slogging your way though night classes, huh?"

"Yeah, I said, "This fall I'll transfer and start taking them at Wayne State."

"Well who would have ever thought that?"

"Who indeed," I laughed back.

"Hey, Lou wants to say hi real quick before she sets to tucking the kids in bed," he said and I heard the phone shift hands.

"Hey Jimmy," Lou said and she did sound happy. It did my heart good to hear them doing so well.

"How are you, Lou," I asked.

"Pregnant," she replied and then giggled.

"That man of yours just can't keep his hands to himself, can he?" I asked.

"I don't think it was his hands that were the problem," she said matter of factly.

"Well, congratulations," I said.

"Thank you. Oh a certain ten year old just hollered at me to say, 'I love you Uncle Jimmy'."

"You tell her I love her too," I said.

"I will," she said, "I'm going to hand you back to Kid so I can get her to sleep and see about getting Bobby to sleep too. He's been so fussy lately."

"Take care of yourself Lou," I told her and then heard the phone hand off again.

"She wanted to tell you herself," he explained.

"That's great news," I told him and meant it. Somehow our bunch was going to make it and have nice families and do good things in spite of how we was brought up.

"Yeah, he said, "We'll be able to make it home for Christmas this year and we should be bringing an extra with us this time. She's due in November."

"You still going to be able to get that pass this summer too?" I asked. He'd been in a little while and had been promoted a couple of times so he could get away more than when he was new.

"You bet," he said, "I can't wait to see everyone."

"We can't wait to see you," I told him and knew it was time to hang up. I always dreaded that part. Maybe it was because those talks with him was so rare or maybe it was that I still hadn't shaken that feeling that something bad was going to happen and I was just scared half to death that whenever I talked to him it would be the last time I ever heard his voice. I don't know but I hated ending a conversation.

"I'll be there before you know it," he said, "Send my love along to everyone there and give that girlfriend of yours a hug from me and for God's sake, give her a ring from you."

"In good time," I laughed, "In good time."

"You know I'm still here for you," he said suddenly serious, "I always will be. Like all those times when your ma locked you out and you slept under my bed or before my dad ran off and he would beat my mom and I could cry to you 'cause you knew how it felt and you wouldn't make fun. I'm still here."

"I know," I said, "I know you are and I'm still here too."

"I'll talk to you soon," he said.

"Yeah," I answered, "'Til then."

* * *

><p><strong>I don't think I have too much to add to this. Except that writing the graveside speech in the middle of a Tim Hortons while my son met with his therapist a couple tables over was maybe not my best plan ever. I am less than 12 hrs to the big meeting at school and dreading and looking forward to it at the same time. Love you all and let me know what you think.-J<strong>


	39. Chapter 39

Once I got off the phone I went out to the living room where Joanie was already watching TV and pretending not to have been listening in. I know she wasn't listening in on purpose but it wasn't that big of an apartment and she would have had to lock herself in the bathroom with the water running to not have picked up at least a little of what I was saying.

"Why congratulations?" she asked.

"Lou's pregnant again," I said.

"That is good," she said, "She doing alright?"

"She sounds happier than I've ever heard her."

I settled next to her and snuggled while we watched whatever was on. I don't even remember what it was but it didn't matter. I think it was some dumb comedy or variety thing and it was enough to take my mind off the day.

The next day was back to normal life. I was at the shop first thing, I opened up and got the coffee going for Al and then got to work. Al came strolling in half hour or so later with the Freep under his arm.

"Morning Jimmy," he said as he passed me.

"Good to see you Al," I responded.

That was it. No talk about the day before and I was grateful for that. I just didn't need to deal with it and it was behind me. I will say I lied when I told the folks I wouldn't be back. I did go a couple of times and I think once or twice it was because it seemed when they was dead and in the ground I could pretend they cared about anything I would say. A couple of times it just was a need to connect to something and I think maybe once it was to torture myself but I'll get to that.

On that day I wasn't thinking about ever going back to the graves or anything else like that. I was thinking about other things entirely.

Closing time came and Al looked about ready to head out.

"Mind some company while you listen to the game?" I asked.

"Don't you have to be running off to class or something?"

"I don't have class tonight," I told him.

"Some might say you don't have any no matter what night it is," he joked, "Come on over. It might be nice to have someone holler at the boys with me."

"I don't know why you even holler at them," I said as we walked toward his house. "You couldn't care less about the Tigers anyway."

"Aw you know," he said, I guess they've kind of grown on me."

We did just listen to the game for a while and that was nice for a change. I had been so into classes and then spending as much time as I could with Joanie that it seemed nearly forever since I had just sat and spent an easy evening with Al. I guess losing my folks right then made me realize I needed to get in some more of those evenings while Al was still around. He wasn't all that old I guess but then he was older than my own parents had been. Accidents could happen to anyone at all.

I did have reasons for wanting to sit and talk with him though. I had something I wanted to ask him about. Well, I wanted to ask someone and Al was the best person I could think of.

"How did you meet Lucille?" I asked him.

I watched his face and I could see him drift far away from that porch and Ernie's voice on the radio and where he finally landed, I wasn't sure but it was a ways back.

"Well, I was divorced and in a much smaller town," he began, "Which was something of a scandal in those days. In some towns I would imagine it still is but then I think if anyone had known Glenna they wouldn't have looked so unkindly at me. There are legitimate saints who couldn't have found patience for that woman. Anyway, I was working at the little post office in town there-I used to be a post master before being a small business owner-and I kept to myself."

He paused taking a long drink of beer and then sighed before he started in with the story again.

"As long as I just kept my head down and did my job no one seemed to care about my torrid past," he smiled wickedly at that past part. "That worked for a little while and then one Saturday afternoon I was in my front yard. I'm not much of a gardener but I've always liked having something nice around me to look at so I planted a few flowers. It wasn't much of a flower garden, I guess. I don't remember too much what I had growing except for the roses. My mama always liked roses, yellow ones, and so I made sure to put in a few rose bushes. Couple was yellow but I had a nice red one and a pink one too. Maybe one or two others. Well I was weeding out the rose area of my little flower garden and she came up to my little picket fence I had around my yard and commented how pretty the flowers were. I hadn't seen her there and when I looked up, I looked into the deepest brown eyes I had ever seen. You know what that's like?" he asked and then paused and said, "Yeah, I guess you do.

"Well, I wasn't sure what to do. I was never too shy around ladies and if it hadn't been for a couple of things then I wouldn't have been with her either. The first thing was that everyone in the town seemed to think I was just fine to hand them their mail but I sure wasn't fit to court their women and the other was that this particular lady was considerable younger than I was. Not young enough to be indecent or anything but younger and more innocent; it made me take pause I can tell you."

"And that was Lucille?" I asked.

He nodded, "Yeah, that lovely dark eyed woman with the light brown hair was my sweet Lucille."

"So you got over your being shy enough to talk to her I gather."

"Well," he said, "A pretty lady stops and talks to you and it's right rude not to answer her. We kept things very proper for a while and I would say we were just friends although that was never all I wanted and I got the feeling it wasn't all she wanted either. Eventually nature took its course like it often does and soon we were what you young people call dating now. I wasn't about to call it courting although that's what I wanted. That surprised me because after Glenna I had thought I'd never want to go down that road again. I hadn't sworn off of women exactly but I had sworn off of marriage."

I had to chuckle at that. Seems swearing off of much of anything where women were concerned wasn't ever going to quite work out for the men.

"I know you understand what I'm saying there," he went on, "Well, it wasn't long before I knew for sure I was in love with Lucille Brady so I went over to her daddy's hardware store and had a chat with the man. I think he would have rather that she find herself a man closer to her age who hadn't been married before but I had a steady job and treated her nice so he gave me permission to pop the question to her. I did and the rest is history."

A sad look crossed old Al's face right then and I knew he was thinking about the cruelty of life that would allow him that little happiness and then snatch it from him. I could see it every time he saw me and Joanie together or Buck and Carol or Ike and Annie. I used to see it when Kid and Lou was dating and it was there for Emma and Sam's wedding. He didn't begrudge those he loved their happiness but it made him think on how much he had loved Lucille. I can't even imagine what that would be like to find your true love and then have her snatched away so you could spend the rest of your life watching other people living what you had.

"How did you ask her?" I wondered.

"Ask her what?" he responded.

"How did you ask her to marry you?"

"Well, we had sort of a special place we liked to go for walks," he began allowing his mind once again to drift to those happy days when he had his Lucille safe in his arms. "It wasn't a private place or anything like that and I'm sure a lot of folks liked to walk down to this park and wander along the grassy paths. But when you're with someone you love I think every place you are feels like it belongs just to you. Anyhow we went for a walk one night and this was maybe a week or so after my talk with her daddy. It was a lovely night with lightning bugs everywhere and a gentle breeze, not enough to chill but enough to cause her to draw closer to me. The stars were twinkling and I thought to myself, 'Al, if you're looking for a perfect time to ask her, you won't find another quite this good.' I stopped walking and turned to face her. I knelt down in front of her on one knee and took her hands in mine. I told her I loved her and that I thought before I met her that I wouldn't ever find love. I told her I'd love her always if she'd give me the chance and then I asked her to be my wife. She said yes. I did love her always too. I still do."

There was silence between us for a while save for Ernie telling us how the foul ball was just caught by a nice young man from Pontiac and then detailing how someone had just got called out for excessive window shopping. Shortly after Ernie told us that a ball hit by Al Kaline was long gone, Al picked his head up.

"Why the sudden interest in my wife?"

"Just wondering is all," I said, "Never had that kind of talk with my own old man, I figured the way you talk about Lucille that you must have felt about her the way I feel about Joanie."

"What do you have up your sleeve, son?" he asked though the way he asked I was pretty sure he had more than an inkling.

"It's not what I have up my sleeve," I said, "It's what's in my pocket."

I reached into my jeans pocket and pulled out a little box and flipped it open. I had been saving little bits here and there since the trip north with her family that first summer. I know that was presumptuous of me but I also knew that even if things didn't work between me and Joanie the way I thought they would that I would get married someday. So, after two years of saving, I had been able to buy a pretty respectable diamond. More than anyone would have expected from me.

"Well, it's about time," was all Al said. It was enough though.

"Yeah, it is," I agreed, "It'll be a fairly long engagement though. Two years, I'd say."

"Don't see why you can't get married and her still finish school," he said.

"That's not the promise I made her," I told him, "And not the one she made herself either."

Al grunted. I know he had a point but I also knew Joanie and she had ideas about what certain things meant and I knew that if she was trying to be a wife while being a student she'd be putting pressure on herself that would lead places neither one of us wanted to go. Still, I finally did feel okay about trying to get a ring on her finger.

It wasn't like I could propose right then though. I still had to get her through the end of the semester. It was nearly upon us and I knew she was going to need me. I never seemed to have the same problems around finals she did. Of course I would have been happy enough pulling all C's anyway so maybe it really was just a lack of pressure on me. I think though there was something in Joanie that caused these things. She was just more anxious than other people.

I got back to my apartment to find the phone ringing.

"Hello."

"James," Joanie's voice said to me, "I was beginning to worry."

"I was at Al's listening to the game," I explained.

"I should have known and tried there," she said, "How is Al?"

"Same as always," I said, "How is the most beautiful girl in Ann Arbor this evening?"

"I don't know," she said, "Do you want me to call her and then call you back?"

"Let me rephrase," I said, "How is the most beautiful girl in my eyes this evening?"

She giggled, "Delightful. But my history final is going to be a bear and I might tear out all of my hair finishing the term paper for my literature class."

"You'd still be gorgeous."

"And you'd still be crazy."

I rolled my eyes at her but went along anyway. Sometimes there was just no arguing with that woman. I might have mentioned in the past that it's not very wise to argue with a lawyer's daughter.

"So what's got you in such a good mood today?" I asked.

"Aside from the sun and that beautiful sky today, you mean?"

It had been a really beautiful day that day and spring always had been Joanie's favorite season.

"Sure," I said, "Besides those things."

"I got to meet with the person I have to do this project for my Poli Sci class with," she said, "Well apart from the fact that I think this project is going to be absolutely amazing, I think I solved a problem for my dad too."

"Why's that?"

"Well," she explained, "Daddy's been saying he needed someone to help out, not necessarily another lawyer but a research assistant or something almost like a paralegal. Anyway, Noah, that's my project partner, he's a senior and he's pre-law. He'll be at U of M law next fall and he's looking for some sort of internship type thing to pad his resume and maybe make a few bucks to live on besides."

It was wrong I know but I felt a stab of jealousy right then and I wouldn't have let it nag me if I'd been with her and not talking on the phone.

"So tell me about this Noah," I said trying to sound nonchalant and I think failing miserably but Joanie didn't seem to notice."

"Actually," she said, "If you're not too swamped at the shop, you can meet him yourself. He needs his car looked at if he's going to start making the drive most days all the way to Bloomfield Hills. You don't have a bunch of cars waiting already do you?"

"No I don't," I said and I did feel sort of better because if there was any reason at all to be jealous, she wouldn't bring him right to me.

"Great," she said and I swear I could hear her smiling through the phone. "We'll see you tomorrow then."

"We?" I asked.

"Yes, we," she said, "Do you think I would pass up a chance to see my wonderful boyfriend?"

"I love you Joanie," I said.

"I love you too."

The next day I was working away but making sure to keep things sort of clear for when Joanie and this Noah would show up. I expected to see her pulling up with some guy in a nice car who came from her circle. Silly to assume and I know all the things they say about what happens when you assume but a name like Noah and I figured he'd be Jewish. So when a car pulled up that had obviously seen better days and barely lived to tell the tale, I was really surprised when Joanie bounded out of the passenger side and then even more surprised to see a Negro man step out of the driver's side. I walked over to Joanie and hugged her and then looked over to this new person.

"James," Joanie began the introductions, "This is Noah Dixon. Noah, this is my boyfriend, James Hickok."

I stuck out my hand and told him it was nice to meet him. He looked at me a little unsure but then accepted my hand.

"I have to say," he said, "I'm glad to meet you too. Joanie sure talks an awful lot about you."

"And you still wanted to meet me?" I asked only half joking. I know Joanie wouldn't tell anything too bad about me but still there were things she didn't consider bad that other people might.

He laughed and the way he did told me that I had nothing to worry about. She had obviously made me out to be perfect. I never saw myself the way she did but it felt good to know that someone saw me as some sort of superhero.

"Well," I said gesturing at his car. "Let me take a look and see if I can make sure this thing will hold on for a while longer."

* * *

><p><strong>Okay...so I finally think I am back on track with this and I feel so relieved to figure out where Noah fits into the equation. It was important to bring him into the story but I wasn't sure where he came from or how he entered their little circle of friends. <strong>

**We have been through the due process of the schools and I think our theme song for the week is "I fought the law and the law won" Not the result we anticipated and there are things that still upset me but not every part of the fallout of this is bad. I think I am hitting a depression and I don't know if it is just a temporary reaction to this or if the questions in my head are legit. There are some good things happening and I am trying to focus on those but then I wonder about my overall skill as a mother. I wonder if I was wrong to push certain things that I did and at the times I did. I wonder if I have done a disservice to my son in some of the things I have tried to do for him. I could list a hundred things I wish people knew about autism but there is only one thing to know about being the parent of someone with autism and that is guilt. Did I cause it somehow? Have I done enough, am I doing enough? Am I neglecting my other child(ren) for this one? Am I pushing too hard/not hard enough? Guilt. It's crushing sometimes. I look at the baby pictures and I wonder if I am or even if I can come close to fulfilling the promises I made that sweet little baby. **

**So, hopefully back into the swing of things soon. 1962 is going by so much faster than 60 and 61 did. but if you know your history then you know big things are coming. Tell me what you think.-J**


	40. Chapter 40

Finals were as I expected. Joanie lost it almost daily and I got used to the drive in from Ann Arbor every morning. It was just easier to stay with her. Luckily my finals had been the week before or I don't know how I would have managed it at all. I knew she'd be worrying about declaring a major and having to know what she wanted to do. It took half the week to get into her head that she still had the summer and we'd talk about it and she could talk to her folks and other people too. It didn't help my own anxiety about the same thing. I mentioned my own doubts about knowing what I wanted to do. I mean I went from that little kid wanting to be a fireman or cowboy to being pretty sure I wouldn't be doing much of anything and a few years where I was sure I wouldn't live to see adulthood. Then I met Al and the best I could hope for then was to have my own garage someday or take over Al's when he retired. Not that that is a bad thing to aspire to but I had only recently discovered a whole wide world of options and I knew Al would have my head if I stayed working for him without exploring them all and figuring out if it was what I really wanted. It went back to the conversation we'd had that time about my hopes or wildest dreams. I just didn't have any because they weren't allowed. I didn't even know all that was out there to do. I was surprised when Joanie chuckled a bit at me and my confusion.

"You know Daddy's convinced you'll go to law school and come work for him and Uncle Eli," she said like she didn't know why I hadn't thought of the same thing.

"I never took your dad for a heavy drinker," I replied.

"You could do it, you know," she said, "If you wanted to."

"I'm not sure I could," I said, "And I really don't know what I want."

She smiled possibly the only smile I saw that week and said, "Then I guess we both have a lot to think about this summer."

I smiled back at her. I think it was about Wednesday or so that day so we were halfway through the tough week and I knew this was just a momentary calm in what would be a stormy time. There was a lot of thinking to be done but it could wait.

I picked Joanie up from her last class that Friday. She looked like the world had lifted off of her shoulders.

"How'd you do?" I asked her.

"I don't even care at this moment," she said, "I'm just glad it's over."

That wasn't a typical Joanie type thing to say but I understood. She had really been struggling with some of the work and I knew that she was glad to have it behind her. Just the night before we'd talked and I reminded her that when she went looking for a job someday, they weren't going to hold it against her if she didn't make Dean's List every single semester. She'd done a good job in every one since that first and even then she didn't miss it by much. I know she wanted to be able to put that on a résumé someday but sometimes she needed reminding that she'd still probably be fine if she couldn't.

"How does dinner sound?" I asked her.

"You know any other time I would jump at the offer," she said, "But I am exhausted right now. I don't really feel up to going out."

"I think I have just the place then," I said undeterred.

We drove into the city and to my place. This was actually what I had planned all along. I mean I could have switched things up if she had wanted to go out but this was the idea I had. Joanie sort of looked at me like she was suspicious.

"You think I was going to even suggest that you cook after the week you've had?" I asked her.

She smiled at me like she felt silly. I know that at that time there was still a lot of old fashioned notions about what a woman ought to do but I didn't grow up in one of those homes on TV so I didn't expect that. Joanie was, well, I can't even begin to explain how I saw her but cleaning all day in her high heels and pearls wasn't it. I don't know, maybe some women were really happy like that but I knew Joanie never could be. The fact was that I knew what a chore those tests were too and I didn't feel like cooking when I was in the middle of them so I expected she didn't either. Besides, I said I had a plan and it didn't involve Joanie setting one tiny foot in that kitchen.

"What do you have planned, James?" she asked me.

"I guess you'll just have to trust me," I shot back at her as I hauled things out of the fridge and cupboards and into a basket.

"Isn't it a little late in the day for a picnic?" she asked.

"Not the kind I have planned," I told her, "For this picnic it's the perfect time."

I took her hand and pulled her out with me. We got in the car and I drove to the garage. I looked sideways and saw Joanie smiling. She was getting an idea of what I had planned but there was no way she knew the full extent. Well unless I chickened out but I was determined not to.

I led my girl up the stairs and I had been planning the whole day. So there was a table already set with two chairs and within a couple minutes I had candles lit. Al had helped me a little and I pulled the cork out of a bottle of wine he said would be decent, not that I knew the first thing about wine at that time. I pulled the chair out for her to sit at the table and then poured the wine into glasses. I went over and turned on the radio softly.

"This is very romantic James," Joanie said to me, "But you really didn't need to go to all this trouble. I would have been happy with whatever you had in your fridge."

"That would have been some corn flakes or bologna sandwiches and neither would have been quite good enough for you as far as I'm concerned," I replied.

Instead of those offerings I spread out cheeses and some French bread. Teaspoon said it would be romantic and Joanie seemed to like it. I had to admit it was pretty darned good especially with the wine. We talked a while and Joanie finally admitted that she had probably done well in her classes. I knew she had but she just had so little faith in herself sometimes.

As we sat and talked The Five Satins came on the radio singing "In the Still of the Night" and Joanie closed her eyes to listen to it. She always loved that song and I was kind of our song since her prom and it had been the first song we danced to. To this day I hear that song and I have my precious Joanie back in my arms in her powder blue dress and the flowers all in her hair smelling of lilacs.

I guess that was the moment that fate chose to tell me to do what I planned to do all day. Maybe it was even a sign that it was right. I watched her face for a moment; eyes closed and smile just turning the corners of her mouth and I hoped she would always think of this night like that.

"Joanie," I said softly. I wanted her attention but I didn't want to take her too far from her happy thoughts she had when she heard that song. "I wanted to ask you something and it's kind of important."

She opened her eyes a little to me but still kept that dreamy sort of smile.

"What is it, James?"

"Well, I know we talk about things that might happen in the future and sometimes we talk about them like they are for sure going to happen," I said and I knew I wasn't making a bit of sense but I had to keep trying. "I want those things and I think you do too. I really hope so at any rate."

Her smile got bigger and she sort of laughed, "James, I have no idea what you are talking about."

"I know you don't," I admitted, "I'm doing a terrible job explaining myself. I know this has been a hard week on you and I'm not trying to make it harder but I have to ask this. We talk about things like getting married and having kids and that sort of thing. And I know you want to wait until you graduate and I want that too."

I took a deep breath and ran my hand over my face. I stood up and walked over to where she was sitting and I crouched down next to her and then rocked on both knees.

"I know I may be making a terrible mistake doing this and I hope I'm not but I need to because I love you and I believe you love me and I can't think of you ever not being my girl. I know that's not the way you like to think all the time but I need you in my life and I want to be needed in yours."

She was looking at me like she had half an idea of what was going on and she was so smart she probably did. I tried not to look too close in her eyes right then because I wasn't sure what she was thinking. I know she might be happy or she might be furious with me for even bringing it up right then with two years still waiting for her to graduate. Still I fished the little box out of my pocket and opened it in front of her.

"I know we'll still be waiting a while but please say you'll marry me."

I looked at her face and it was contorted and confusing. I could see tears in her eyes and fear and confusion but she was smiling. She took my face in her hands and kissed me real deep and when she pulled away she said, "I will."

* * *

><p><strong>Kind of a short chapter for this story but I finally got Jimmy talking in my head a bit...well, 1960's Jimmy anyway. He was really holding out for a while. I enjoyed a happy chapter after I had been writing some stuff that was not so happy. I can't think of a single thing that needs defining or explaining in this. I really think I have missed Jimmy and Joanie. They are so cute...oh but there is so much left to write and so many things with the other characters...lots of things...<strong>

**So the Red Wings won today...Original 6 match up and we won in a shoot out! Yay! **

**And officially the Christmas season has begun. I promise to not neglect this story as much as I have the last month but I have plans for Christmas themed short stories (TYR of course) so I will be doing that. We get our tree this week and we watched "White Christmas" tonight! It's my favorite Christmas movie. I have a lot that I like but White Chritmas is the best!-J**


	41. Chapter 41

I fished the ring out of the box and just sort of held it there. I suddenly forgot which hand it went on. Joanie sort of laughed.

"It's this one," she said wiggling the fingers on her left hand, "Unless this is your version of premature cold feet."

I slid the ring on her finger, "Nope, I don't think they've ever been warmer."

Joanie looked at the ring and got a strange look.

"James, this is awfully big. You didn't have to-"

"I want everyone who sees it to know that someone really loves you," I said, "Besides, I saved up. I guess next I should try saving for a house. Two years should put a little dent in a down payment, huh?"

"Two years is long engagement," she said sadly, "I shouldn't ask such a thing of you. We could get married sooner."

"No," I said and I know I might've sounded stern. It's not that I wouldn't have loved to already be married to her with a little rug rat or two running around underfoot but Joanie had things to do and I wasn't going to be the reason she didn't get them done. Things are different now and people get married and still go to school but it was different then and I knew Joanie would just be one long string of her little episodes until she dropped out and eventually she would regret that and resent me and our whole life and I wasn't going to start things with her by setting us up for failure. "I can wait. It's not like you've got me waiting for a wedding night. Things might be different if that was the case."

"So that's what would make you want to move faster," she said, "I guess if I ever start wanting the mate to this ring I know what to withhold."

I kissed her and whispered, "You'd be surprised how patient I can be."

"Yeah, you could probably hold out for a month or two and then you'd be dragging me to a courthouse," she said laughing at me.

"And how long could you hold out?" I asked raising an eyebrow.

"Probably not much longer than you could," she admitted and then kissed me so that I knew she wouldn't be trying to cut short our engagement using that method. In fact the wine and all the rest was quickly forgotten and we were soon under one of those afghan things Emma made. Thank goodness for the afghan because it would have been a little chilly on that roof without clothes. I guess neither one of us was ever going to hold out for very long.

"Can I ask you something, James?" Joanie asked me.

"You know you can," I said.

"Why now?" she wondered, "I mean, why did you ask me now?"

"I guess maybe some of the things that happened in the last few months made me worry about things," I tried to explain and I knew I wasn't doing a good job.

"What worried you?"

"Everything with Stan and then what happened to Aaron and then my folks dying," I told her, "There's just so much, I can't explain, I guess things seem uncertain and I needed something for sure. I needed for us to be for sure. Does that make sense?"

"Yes it does," she said softly and I could feel her tears hitting my chest.

"I'm sorry," I said, "I shouldn't've brought all that up."

"That's not it at all," she told me, "I think I just wasn't expecting to ever be something like that. You need something certain, something to cling to and count on and I want to be that but I never really dreamed I could be that for anyone."

"You are," I said, "I may not sound very cool saying this but I really don't think I could live without you and I'd rather think that I don't have to."

Joanie held me tighter, "How did I find such a perfect man?"

"You didn't. I ain't perfect at all," I said, "But if you want to know how you found me, you drove yourself all the way into the city from Bloomfield Hills to get your car tuned up."

"You are perfect for me," she argued, "No one could be more so. I wouldn't have made it through anything, school, Stan, none of it, without you."

"If you want to go there," I said, "You can guess what my life would be without you. I would be just some no good dropout grease monkey. But look at me, I'm in school and there's a world so open to me I don't even know what to do with it. You ask what I want to do and I don't even know what all is out there yet. That's all you, Joanie."

"I didn't do a thing, James," she said, "Really I didn't."

"Yeah you did," I said, "You might never see it but you did plenty."

Joanie got quiet for a while and just snuggled closer to me.

"Mrs. Joan Hickok," she said after a bit, "I think I like it. It sounds sort of nice, don't you think?"

"I think it sounds wonderful."

Eventually it got too chilly to be on the roof naked even with the afghan so we got dressed and went back to my place. We decided to go to temple with her family the next day and fell asleep holding tight to each other.

The next morning Joanie was nervous as all get out.

"You should relax," I told her, "I already had your dad's blessing. I doubt he keeps secrets like that from your mom. I think Judy's the only one who might be surprised and she's a sharp kid, she probably knew this was coming eventually."

"But knowing it's coming is not the same as it happening."

We drove on out and happened on her parents in the parking lot. I thought about telling them but then I wanted her to be able to share the news. When it came to telling my family I knew it would be my privilege. We stood in the lot and Joanie talked about school and her finals and stuff like that and she kept brushing her hair out of her face with her left hand like she was waiting for them to notice on their own. Finally Judy squealed.

"Joanie!" she yelled at her sister, "What is that on your hand?"

"Oh this?" Joanie asked innocently, "Just a little something my darling fiancé gave me last night."

Mr. and Mrs. Cohen jumped on that choice of words. The day before I had been her boyfriend but now I was a fiancé. It sounded nice. I didn't even get a chance to completely take in her folks' reaction because Judy launched herself at me and hugged me tight. She wasn't quite the little thing she used to be, she was fifteen by then after all but she would always be tiny like her sister. Neither one of them cleared five foot by too much.

"It's about time," she said.

"I'm glad you approve, short stuff."

She stood on her toes and pulled my head down to her.

"I won't warn you to take care of her and not hurt her because you're the best we could have hoped for," she whispered, "Thank you for helping me look after my sister."

I kissed her cheek, "Believe me, it's my pleasure."

"I'll just bet it is," she said with a wink. That kid was something. Once Judy released me I found myself pulled into a hug from Mrs. Cohen and a handshake that became a hug from Mr. Cohen.

"Is there a date?" Mrs. Cohen asked and she looked a little worried. Joanie looked uneasy so I spoke up.

"We like the idea of June," I said, "I'd need a calendar to know for sure but try to keep June 1964 kind of open."

"1964?" Mrs. Cohen asked.

"We should both be graduated by then as long as I keep taking summer classes," I explained.

I think her folks were a little relieved at that. They knew their daughter better than I did and knew that getting married while she was still in school wouldn't be good for her.

We headed in for services and I tried to walk with Joanie but she was flanked on either side by her mom and sister. Mr. Cohen's arm went around my shoulders.

"Let the hens have their party," he said, "Besides, I wanted to talk to you about something."

I braced myself wondering what awkward conversation might come next. There's things a father sometimes wants to say to the man who's marrying his daughter and none of those talks is comfortable for the man who wants to do the marrying.

"What's that, sir?"

"First," he began, "You really don't need to call me sir. And then second, I wanted to talk about your future."

"Besides the part of it where I marry your daughter?" I said trying to lighten the mood.

He laughed, "Of course. You know I never had a problem with that. I'm talking about what you want to do for a living. Now, I'm going out on a limb but I'm going to guess that you aren't busting your hump at school to keep working on carburetors. A little curly headed bird told me your grades are pretty impressive."

"I'm not doing too bad," I admitted. I had been pulling down a good 3.5 in the old grade point average.

"Don't sell yourself short, James," he said, "I worked full time while I went to school too and I didn't do as well all the time. Joanie talks about me like I pulled straight A's or something but it's just not the case. I'm proud of you and my little girl is too. I was wondering if you'd given any thought to what you might major in."

"A lot of thought but I haven't really settled on anything yet," I told him honestly, "There's a lot of things I never even knew about before."

"I know," he said, "I don't want to put pressure on you but I did want to mention that if you were so inclined that there would be a position open for you at the firm."

"Joanie said something about that," I told him, "I told her you must have been drinking heavy. It's a little early to be that tight, isn't it? Besides you don't usually drink on the Sabbath."

"You still don't think high enough of yourself do you?"

"Your daughter says the same thing," I said, "I think she's delusional." It felt good to use one of the terms from my psychology class.

"We'll talk more," he said laughing as we went into the synagogue.

The next day Joanie was spending time with her family and I had plans to do the same. I drove over to Emma's just in time for a beer on the porch with Al and Sam before Sunday dinner hit the table. I wanted to share the happy news but I didn't just want to blurt it out. I nodded at Al and Sam and headed in the house I guess they probably thought I was heading in to grab a Stroh's and I was but that was hardly my main objective.

"Hey Emma," I said from the doorway of the kitchen, "You need a hand with anything?"

"It's good to see you, Jimmy," she said hugging me, "I've missed you the last couple weeks."

"Well, I had finals I was studying for and then you know how Joanie does during finals week," I explained though it was hardly necessary. "I have something I want to tell you though. It's kind of important."

She looked at me worried and my voice was so serious that I'm sure she thought there was more bad news. It seemed like we had quite a string of bad things happen for a while and I understood why she thought the worst, especially since Joanie wasn't there with me.

"Joanie's alright, isn't she?" she asked.

"Joanie's better than she's been in quite a while," I answered, "Do you have a minute to sit down and listen to me?"

She nodded and pulled over a stool.

"I want to thank you," I started, "I have this life that I just couldn't've imagined before and it started with you, well, you and Al and I'll get to thanking him too. The boy I used to be could never have been anything to someone like Joanie but the man you turned me into just got engaged to her."

"Engaged? Did you say engaged?" she asked, "When? How soon? Oh there's so much to help her with. Her parents, do they know?"

"Calm down, Emma," I said, "I popped the question Friday night. We told her folks before temple yesterday. I've had Mr. Cohen's blessing for a long while now and you've got two years to help her plan this thing though I think the Cohen women already have a jump on it."

"I'm proud of you, you know," she said, "I don't think you've heard words like that enough in your life but I am very proud of you."

Her words probably meant more to me than anyone else's at that moment. If my own mother had come back from the dead to tell me that it wouldn't have been as precious. Polly was supposed to love me and be proud of me. Emma didn't have to. I felt like I earned anything I got from her. Honestly if you went shopping for a mother, you'd be hard pressed to find any better at it than that woman.

* * *

><p><strong>Hehehe...I like the good things...And this is kind of fun to write about a wedding while we are planning one. The remark he made about the ring is similar to what my step-daughter's fiance said about the ring he gave her. He wanted everyone to be able to see how loved she was. He's a good man. He's been through his struggles and there've been times when he would not have been what we wanted for her at all but he always was a good man at heart and that is what is most important for a parent trusting their child to someone forever. I can only hope my boys can find people to love...I'd say girls but one of my guys isn't well, it's a long story and there would be a long discussion of the Kinsey study for me to get into it all plus a conversation my college philosophy class had about the book The Color Purple...just too much to get into. But happy times are ahead and who remembers that Kid and Lou are due for a visit this summer? Yay! But there will be sadness coming up too. Not for Jimmy or Joanie or even Kid or Lou but there will be sadness.<strong>

**I think Jimmy is toying with the idea of law school but he lacks confidence and still isn't even certain if that's what he wants really or not...I can think of a couple other things that might suit him better. We'll have to see.-J**


	42. Chapter 42

I made my way out to the porch where Al and Sam was shooting the breeze before Emma put dinner on the table.

"Well, if you don't look just like the cat that swallowed the canary," Al said to me, "Out with it, son."

"I don't know what you're talking about old man," I said and I was barely able to not burst out laughing. I had little enough good news to share and news like this wasn't anything I ever imagined having.

"Oh come on now, Jimmy," Sam said, "I don't know you near as well as he does and I know you've got something to say. From the looks of you it's something good too."

"Yeah," I said playing nonchalant, "I wanted to tell you to keep your calendars free in June of '64 'cause you have a wedding to go to."

"So you finally quit carrying that rock around in your pocket?" Al asked.

"Yep," I said puffing my chest out a little, "Joanie's carting it on her finger now."

Well they both slapped me on the back and shook my hand and every other thing that men do to avoid hugging when that's probably what ought to be done. It is more now, the hugging, but not then.

We sat down to dinner and I realized there was extra room at the table.

"Where's Ike and Buck?" I asked.

"Lisa and Timmy are both sick," Emma answered and she sounded real worried about it. I didn't really understand. I know most everyone thinks of winter as cold season but spring in a place like Michigan is far worse. You can start a day below freezing, have it get to close to 70 and then be back below freezing by the time you go to bed. The number of times Joanie sent one or all of our kids to school in layers knowing they'd be down to short sleeves by the time they wandered home amazed me. Weather changes like that cause a lot of colds. I figured they must have more than the sniffles though.

"Well, it is cold season still," I said, "Or do they have something else?"

"Measles," Sam spoke up and I could see the word cause what looked like physical hurt to Emma. I know she was thinking of Edward. These days hardly anyone thinks about measles because of the vaccines and all but at that time we was about a year from the first measles vaccine being available. Back then measles was like chicken pox and you just knew at some point you were going to get it and once you did you couldn't get it again. I guess now they even have a shot for the chicken pox so's you don't have to deal with yelling at itchy kids for scratching no more. And I know that's not the only reason they vaccinate against that. Kids can die from chicken pox and even if they don't, I guess the virus never leaves once it's there so technically you have all the chicken pox relatives living in you forever. Not fun stuff in there either. But those little ones didn't have chicken pox, they had measles and that was kind of worse. Mumps was bad but most I knew did alright with them aside from being uncomfortable for a while but measles and rubella which we usually called the German measles could get real ugly and any of 'em was bad when someone so young got 'em. But those kids was healthy as the day was long most of the time so I thought Emma was maybe overreacting. It's not like they had the polio or nothing. Now that's something to fear. Seemed no one got free of polio completely. Either they died or they were crippled. I never heard of no one getting out with nothing to show for it if they got out of it at all.

I just kept quiet. I figured they'd be fine. I'd had measles myself and they were no fun. I remember having a fever that had me seeing all sorts of crazy stuff for a day or two but then it broke and I got better. It was actually a pretty good memory. Polly stayed sober enough to make me soup and fuss over me like a real mom would. I guess that right there says all you need to know about what it was like in the Hickok home when I was growing up that the best memory I had of my mom was when I was sick as a dog.

Well, I really didn't give little Timmy or Lisa much thought for another few days until Emma came by the shop to bring me and Teaspoon some lunch. Her face was real strained and I knew something was bothering her but I didn't know what exactly until she said something.

"Jimmy, do you have a class tonight?"

"I don't," I said, "Did you need something?"

It was strange of her to ask much anymore since she was married and had a husband to do most stuff for her.

"Sam's putting in some overtime on a case or I wouldn't ask," she explained, "But I wanted to know if you could drive me over to the hospital when you get off work this evening."

"Emma," I said, "Are you feeling okay? I can take you now if you're sick or something."

"It's not me," she assured me, "Ike and Annie just took Timmy in. Lisa's fever broke a couple days ago but little Timmy just can't seem to get better."

"Yeah sure I'll take you, Emma," I said and I was really getting worried. To still be running a fever and need to get to the hospital was a big deal. Of course he wasn't a year old yet either and things like this could be rough on a kid that young.

Well I took Emma over to see how everyone was holding up. Al even let me off just a little early so I could take her.

We rode the elevator up and found the room. Annie looked like she hadn't slept in days and I think she probably hadn't. Ike didn't look much better. They were sitting next to a metal crib just looking at the little guy. He was awake I think but he was just laying there limp and kind of drowsy and sleepy looking. Emma hugged the both of them and I just sort of hung in the doorway not knowing what to do. Ike wandered over to me and I wished there was something, anything I could say to comfort him. We all knew how serious this was and to even think as gentle a soul as Ike was that he was looking at the real possibility that his boy wasn't going to make it to his first birthday. What the hell do you even say to someone in that situation?

"Can I run and get you something, Ike?" I asked him, "Coffee or something?"

He looked like he wanted to be anywhere but there and at the same time like he couldn't bear the thought of leaving little Timmy. He smiled sadly at me and seemed to make up his mind.

"I could use a walk," he said, "Want to come with me to the coffee machine?"

I put an arm around his shoulders, "Sure thing, Ike."

"He's so tiny," Ike said once we were clear of the room. "How can this be happening to him?"

I was struggling to understand it myself and later that night I got into a pretty good one sided argument with the man upstairs. I was grateful that questioning is allowed for Jews because I sure did a lot of it. There was a lounge down the hall and we sat there a while and talked. He said Buck had been up earlier in the day. Lisa was doing just fine and looked to be making a full recovery. I knew Ike was happy about that and I was too but there was nothing that was going to make the fear and hurt over his own boy go away. I was only getting a glimpse of what fatherhood brought and whether it was a scary sounding cough in the night or a high fever or the first time they need stitches or break a bone, we all get that look at some point. It's the one that asks 'why me?' and 'why my child?' The fact is there ain't a good reason for it. Things just happen and the bad stuff don't only happen to old folks or the ones who do bad things. Sometimes it happens to nice people and little babies that can't be bad yet. It's awful helpless sometimes being a parent. It's a blessed thing too, don't get me wrong but it's tough and it'll put you right through the ringer.

We stood to go back and I couldn't help myself. He was a brother to me, after all. I pulled him into a hug. I fought the tears as I spoke to him. I know he was feeling this far worse than I was but I loved that little guy too and seeing that sweet chubby cheeked red headed child who was always so full of smiles for me just laying there not even able to move and with his eyes kind of just half shut and glassy looking was near to killing me.

"He'll be alright," I said and hoped I was right.

I drove Emma back home and then went back to my empty apartment, or what should have been my empty apartment. It wasn't empty though, Joanie was there.

"How's he doing?" she asked when I walked in the door. I looked at her weird so she explained, "Carol called me.

"They can't seem to get the fever to break," I said, "He's so little and helpless, Joanie."

She hurried to me and hugged me tight.

"I know," she said softly, "He'll be alright though."

The way she said it was more question than anything else. She was constantly turning over the gold star around her neck too like she did when she was real nervous about things and also like when she needed that comfort that things happened for a reason even if we couldn't always see the reason at the time.

Well, I'll make a long story short here and say little Timmy McSwain put all of us through the ringer for the next couple days. Even Al made the trip to the hospital. He'd never had kids but for looking out for us and Timmy and Lisa and even Bobby were the closest things to grandkids he figured on ever having. Finally the fever broke and Timmy got better. It was a while before his strength was back entirely but he was up and chasing Lisa within a couple weeks. I've never seen someone so relieved as Ike was the day that fever broke.

Now Timmy got better and the measles was gone never to mess with him again but something changed in Timmy after that. He was the same smiley child as before and had his dad's gentle nature just like he always did but something was different all the same. It wasn't until he went for his check up near to his first birthday that anyone figured out what the change was. He wasn't babbling and making little attempts at words like he had before. The doctor checked him all out and the measles had left but they took little Timmy's hearing with them. Sometimes life is just flat cruel and this was one of those times. Like I said, parenthood can really do a number on you.

* * *

><p><strong>I'm sorry. I really am. Poor Timmy, he's so cute...I wish you could see what he looks like when I picture him. Poor, poor Timmy...and Ike and Annie and all of them. Damn. I'm a horrible person.-J<strong>


	43. Chapter 43

I stood among the crowd of folks all waiting for their people to get off the plane looking for my own people. Damn a lot of folks were milling around and it wasn't even possible to tell which flights people was getting off of. Good old Detroit Metro. It was my first time ever having to meet someone's plane. It wouldn't be the last and there would be plenty of times that folks would be coming to meet mine. I kept looking but I wasn't seeing nothing. I heard something though.

"Uncle Jimmy!"

It was the only warning I got before I was barreled into by a ten year old who'd been running flat out. She nearly knocked me over, the little scamp. I recovered quickly and picked her up.

"Hey there sweetheart," I said, "Where's your sister?"

"Theresa Ann McCloud!"

"I guess that would be her," I said recognizing the voice.

"Theresa, what have I told you about running off into crowds?" Lou scolded not even completely taking in the scene before her.

"Sorry Lou," Theresa said.

At that moment Lou did notice me.

"Jimmy, oh God I'm sorry," she said talking way too fast, "I was too worried to even notice you."

I put Theresa down and hugged Lou.

"How are you Lou?" I asked her and she just beamed a smile at me in answer.

I looked down to see the stroller she pushed.

"This must be Bobby," I said crouching down to him, "Hey there buddy."

He looked at me uncertainly and then at his mom who was smiling big and then he gave me a smile. I think he had about four or five teeth and that smile was damned hard to resist.

"You did bring your husband with you, didn't you?" I asked.

Lou laughed a little and I hadn't realized how much I had missed her laugh. I'm going to get off topic a bit and tell you that you need to hold stuff like that close. Life can take some strange and scary turns and we take far too much for granted. I knew at that moment I'd never take Lou's laughter for granted again.

"He's getting our bags," she answered me. I stood up and took Theresa's hand and then put my other arm around Lou's shoulders.

"I've missed you guys," I said.

"I see how it is," said a familiar voice behind me, "I do the heavy lifting and you abscond with my whole family."

"Kid," I said and nearly cried, "Put those damned bags down and get over here."

He stepped to me and I wrapped him in a hug I didn't care who saw. It had been far too long since I had seen this man and he meant too damned much to me to waste any time thinking about what others might think. I led them to my car and we drove back toward the city. Yeah the airport is called Detroit Metro but it's out in Romulus. We barely got clear of the parking lots when Kid piped up.

"So what's this surprise you have for me?"

You might guess now that I hadn't told him I was engaged. It was big news and while I was kind of feeling guilty that everyone knew before he did, it wasn't something I wanted to tell someone so important to me over the phone. It was different back then. I think you could almost get away with texting the whole proposal now and no one would bat an eye but back then there was still certain things you wanted to tell people face to face if it was possible. And I knew I didn't have too long to wait before he was here.

"Well," I said, "I guess I might's well tell you now since Joanie's at Emma's helping get some chow around and she's about going to beat you over the head with the ring when you see her."

"You finally did it," Kid said understanding fully, "A two year engagement isn't that bad, is it?"

"Two years dating," I said, "Two years engaged, I just hope the marriage lasts longer than two years."

Kid laughed, "I can't believe you're still insecure about her after all this time."

"What are you talking about?" Theresa wondered from the back seat where she sat with her sister who was holding Bobby.

"Joanie and I are getting married," I said.

"I already knew that," she said. The kid had more faith in me than I had in myself and she was only ten.

"Well, it wasn't official before and it is now," I explained.

"Has she calmed down any?" Lou asked.

"Not really," I admitted, "I think she's always been like this. I know how to calm her down when she's real upset."

Lou gave me a look I wasn't sure I was reading right since I was only glancing at her in the rear view and trying to keep my eyes on the road. I know Lou liked Joanie and they was friends and all but that look was like Lou didn't think Joanie was right for me. We was going to have to have a talk later.

"How's Ike doing?" Kid asked changing the subject. It wasn't a happy subject to change to but I think he knew what Lou was about to start saying and didn't think it all needed to come out in the car with Theresa and little Bobby right there. He was probably right about that too.

"I think he's still shaken and I think he and Annie have taken that kid to every specialist in Detroit and one all the way to Cleveland looking for someone to say that it can be fixed."

I saw Lou clutch Bobby a little closer to her, "I can't even imagine."

"Funny thing is," I said, "It's all the grownups that's fussing about it. Timmy doesn't even seem to notice, except when he wants or needs something. He can't ask for it and it frustrates him something awful. They found someone to teach them all sign language though so that's good. I think pretty soon they'll be able to know what that poor kid wants. They said eventually he'll be able to read lips too and maybe even learn to talk."

"That's got to be expensive," Kid said. "How are they managing with just Ike working at her dad's grocery?"

"You didn't hear?" I asked figuring that Bill would have been only too happy to toot his own horn. I needed to learn to never make assumptions about that guy. Kid shook his head and I related the story as I remembered the conversation I'd had with Bill Cody just a couple weeks after we all first found out about Timmy.

The two of us was sitting in my apartment with a couple bottles of Stroh's and Bill was asking me what I knew about Timmy and his condition.

"Not too much more than you do," I had told him, "He had that high fever for so long and somehow it caused some infection in his ears and they say he won't ever hear anything again."

"They get a second opinion?" Bill asked me.

"Yeah, and a third," I said, "There's some specialists they'd like to take him to but they're not sure how they'd pay for it."

"You think Ike would be okay with leaving the grocery?" Bill asked and there was something going on in his mind. Now you need to understand something about Bill Cody. At first glance he was a loudmouth pain in the ass that seemed to never take anything serious. But you didn't have to dig far to find a guy who was one of the best and most loyal friends you could ever find. The rest of it was just how he kept it all from bothering him. Bill cared almost too much about things and especially about his friends so joking and being a braggart was just how he dealt with seeing friends in hard times.

"I think he's looking for another job but they're roughly scarce as hen's teeth, at least ones that pay more."

"I know where there's a few openings but you got to know someone," he said, "And luckily I know someone. The Rouge is hiring and I know Dad'd vouch for any of you guys and especially if I tell him what's going on with Ike and Annie and little Timmy."

And Bill talked to his dad who called Ike and told him how to apply and that was that. It didn't take hardly any time at all and Ike was building Fords.

The conversation with Bill then turned toward his lack of luck at keeping a girl for very long and his not being able to figure out how they was resisting his many charms. Kid laughed out loud when I got to that part in the telling.

"Now that's Bill Cody for you," he said, "He is a darned good friend though."

"Couldn't ask for a better one," I agreed.

"So Ike's working at the Rouge," Kid said, "That's a good gig. Benefits and good pay and regular hours."

"Yeah," I said, "They can live like real people now. And they can do what they need to for that boy."

We got to Emma's where they'd be staying and Joanie ran out to meet us. I know she was really looking forward to seeing them again and to meeting Bobby. She hugged me and then Lou and Kid before bending down to Theresa.

"Look at you," she said, "I didn't think it was possible for you to get prettier but just look at you."

Theresa hugged Joanie tight. They used to be kind of close before Kid and Lou had to move and I think Theresa still really appreciated all the times Joanie took her for walks and got ice cream or just talked a bit.

"Did Uncle Jimmy give you a pretty ring?"

"He sure did," Joanie said showing the girl.

"Does this mean you're my Aunt Joanie now?"

"I'd like that a whole lot," Joanie said and I know it really touched her when Theresa gave her a big smile.

Joanie straightened and then made that silly half squeal, half coo sound that women make around babies.

"Oh Lou," she said, "He is the most adorable child! He really is."

Lou tried to hand Bobby over to Joanie but he started crying and grabbing for his mama.

"Robert James Cassidy," Lou said not really all that sternly, "What has gotten into you? I'm sorry Joanie; he's normally not like that."

"I'm sure he's just tired from the trip and kids this age start getting more scared of strangers," Joanie said and I know she would have liked to have gotten her hands on that baby but she really did understand. We'd both been in Psychology class and she was right, they call it 'stranger anxiety' and it hits right about the age little Bobby was at. Of course I was less concerned with Bobby's social development age at that point and much more interested in what Lou had said.

"Did you say Robert James?"

"Kid!" Lou half hollered in a tone that sounded so familiar from all their little spats when they was still back in high school. "I thought you told him our son's name."

"I did, didn't I, Jimmy?"

"You said Robert," I told him, "You never told me his middle name though."

The women headed toward the house with Lou only pausing to hand Bobby to his dad.

"You named him after me?" I asked.

"Yeah," he said, "I know you said that Jews don't normally name after people who are still alive but I wanted him to have something of you. Damn that sounded corny as hell. You're my brother, you know that, right?"

I nodded and knew that he was mine as well. They all were but it was different for me and Kid.

"I couldn't even think of naming him after my dad. I mean he was the sorriest excuse for a father aside from yours and besides his name was Horace. I mean really, I could not name my son Horace, not even for a middle name. James is a nice name. I think I would like it even if it weren't my brother's name."

"Dammit, Kid," I said, "There's a word Joanie and her mom use sometimes, verklempt. It means choked up. I think you're about to make me get all verklempt. I'm turning into a little girl with you home."

We decided to walk a ways with the little guy. He was walking real good and he'd even hold a couple of my fingers in his chubby little mitts while we walked.

"Lou's not happy I'm engaged, is she?"

"You need to take that up with her," he said, "I don't agree with her on this and I'm not going to tell you what she's thinking because it'll sound like I'm defending it. She cares about you though. You need to know that. It's just that she's a woman and so she doesn't know what it feels like when men are in love."

It's true what he said. There's that whole song about when a man loves a woman and it's so very true. When we are in love, really love, we'll walk through the depths of hell gladly for them. Being in love is really when you stop seeing your needs only and start seeing someone else's and seeing theirs as important as your own. I was starting to understand what Lou's objections were but she was like a sister to me and I didn't have too many of those, aside from the one who'd be my sister-in-law. I needed to clear the air with Lou somehow.

We headed back and Emma was pacing madly on the porch. She'd been fussing plenty over Lou and Theresa but we'd taken off before she could get her hands on Kid or that baby and she had too much welcoming within her and it had nowhere to go. She spotted us and sprinted off the porch and wrapped Kid in her arms. I stood there with Bobby's grip getting tighter on my fingers.

I looked down at the little one and took a chance that he'd been holding my hand so maybe he wouldn't scream bloody murder when I picked him up. He looked startled at first and then grabbed tight to my shirt and gave me that five tooth smile. Emma was on that kid like ants on a picnic blanket.

"Oh Kid," she said, "He looks just like you. Look at those blue eyes."

That about summed up the rest of dinner. Sam finally got to meet these people he'd only seen in pictures. It was our normal chaotic family dinner. And for once, we were all there. Annie and Ike with little Timmy and Buck and Carol with sweet little Lisa. Our family was whole and it felt good. I think I saw Emma nearly break down more than once. Al was just beaming at having the whole gang together. I think Al would have loved to have had kids and been the doting dad and granddad. We gave him that chance finally and I know it was a bit of what he thought he lost when Lucille died. As much as those of us with wives and fiancées made him mourn all the more for her knowing that he had children and family all the same took a bit of the sting out of it. I know he was still lonely and we all wished he could have found a nice woman to marry but at least he had family to look after him. Not that he was that old yet but as he got older at least he did have us to look after him.

After dinner Joanie had finally won Bobby over and everyone was asking Kid about the Army and things were such a whirl of activity I needed a chance to get out for a minute. I went out on the porch and sat with a bottle of beer.

"I'm surprised you haven't taken to drinking something stronger yet," Lou said coming out the door and sitting down next to me.

"I have my days," I said, "Most times though a bottle or two of good old Stroh's suits me just fine."

Then I thought about it and added, "And what makes you say something like that anyway?"

"You're here for everyone," she said, "Seeing Ike and Annie dealing with Timmy and then the way Joanie is."

"Okay, I've had enough of the way you've been acting since you found out about us being engaged," I said, "We've always been honest with each other. I've always loved you like a sister and I respect you too, Lou. So out with it, tell me what your sudden problem is with my fiancée."

"I don't have a problem with Joanie," she said, "I have a problem with her being your fiancée and I wouldn't have a problem with that except it means she'll be your wife."

"That's how it works," I said, "What's so wrong with marrying the woman I love?"

"Jimmy," Lou said and I could tell she was a little worried about what she was saying. "She's just so, well, so you know."

"No, I don't know," I said with my voice raising. Lou realized I was about to start ruining the festive atmosphere.

"Walk with me," she said pulling me off the porch and heading around the block.

"Lou," I said, "You need to explain what you meant by that remark."

"Joanie gets so worked up and you're always having to rescue her from her fears," she said.

"Everyone's got fears," I said defensively, "Shouldn't she have a man who loves her enough to help her with her problems?"

"I love Joanie, I really do," Lou said and I knew she did. "She's helped every one of us in one way or another and sometimes she is so much more together than any of the rest of us. But when she loses it she really loses it. You could get hurt someday."

"I can take care of her," I said, "I need to take care of her. I've never felt so good about myself. I love being her hero. I love the man she's made me see I can be. I don't know why you can't see how good she is for me!"

"Please understand," Lou said trying to calm me down, "I worry for you, Jimmy. I worry you'll get hurt. I worry sometime you won't be able to calm her. I worry about things I can't even explain. You've always been so good to me, like a big brother. I couldn't stand to see you get hurt."

"Joanie would never hurt me," I said softer but still kind of angry that she could think such a thing. "She would never hurt me, don't you know that?"

I turned away from her and started walking. I just couldn't even look at Lou anymore. But she was a stubborn gal and started following me grabbing at my arm. I tried to yank away from her.

"Jimmy, just listen," she pleaded with me, "She gave you a black eye once. God only knows what else she could do to you. I know you love her, Jimmy but I just don't think you should marry her."

"Well, I'm going to no matter what you think and you just need to get over this," I said, "I don't care what you have to tell yourself but she is going to be my wife and I can't have you scowling about it. I love her too much to not marry her."

Lou sighed, "I know you do and that's good and she's been good for you too. But I'm still going to worry. I just hope I never have to say I told you so."

"No matter what happens," I told her, "Don't ever say it even if the worst happens and you're tempted."

She smiled at me and I knew she never would. A good friend is one who doesn't say 'I told you so' even when they did.

* * *

><p><strong>This chapter fought me at first and then finally got going...Who wants to pinch Bobby's cheeks? Get in line! Isn't it nice to have the whole family back together for a little while?-J<strong>


	44. Chapter 44

"Lou looked good, don't you think, James?" Joanie asked me as we cuddled on the roof. Kid and Lou had gone back home after a wonderful and far too short few days with us.

"Yeah she did," I said not being able to get all of Lou's words out of my head. I knew Lou and I knew she could go off half cocked sometimes and more often than not, she'd come around once she saw she was being silly but there was something different in her tone when she spoke of her fears. She seemed desperate to protect me. I nearly laughed at that thought as I looked and the compact woman next to me on the roof. She barely cleared five foot and while she had curves in some very nice places and damned voluptuous curves at that, those were her only weapons. They were effective but still she had nothing else with which to hurt me. I didn't even see what Lou was so worked up about.

"I couldn't help thinking she was upset about something," Joanie said pulling me from my thoughts.

"She's just edgy with the pregnancy and knowing she'll have two so young at the same time," I lied. Well, it wasn't really a lie, she did mention that fear once or twice and it gave me a nice cover. I just couldn't come out and tell my fiancée that one of my best friends thought I shouldn't marry her. Don't even start reminding me about the promise I made to not keep secrets. There's plenty of times when we don't tell the truth, even to the people we love very dearly. More than once that woman came home from the beauty parlor and I wondered if a chimp had escaped from the zoo and came to the salon to cut her hair. I never said anything though. Some things you learn to keep to yourself if you don't want to end up single.

"Theresa's such a helper," Joanie said with such love in her voice. I think Theresa reminded Joanie of Judy when she'd been younger, well the good times they'd had and not the ones where Judy was a little pest. "I'm sure everything will be just fine."

"I know," I said, "I think she's also nervous how involved we are in Vietnam. She's thinking it's not going to be long before she and Theresa are on their own."

I could see the moisture form in those big brown eyes. I knew Joanie had many of the same fears. She didn't grow up with Kid but she knew what he was to me and she had a genuine affection for him herself. She hated reading the papers and knowing that it was only a matter of time before they sent him away. Too many of our young men right then were coming home in boxes and bags and the ones who didn't still didn't come home in one piece. They were fractured to their core. Not everyone was understanding it yet but those boys were seeing things that would curl your toenails.

"I'm scared for him," Joanie said.

"I am too," I said, "I've had this feeling for quite a while now that something bad's going to happen to him. I don't know if it's the war or what but I just have this terrible feeling."

I hadn't even told her that before and mostly that was because I felt kind of silly about it but I decided then that if I couldn't tell the woman I was to marry about my fears then I 'd have no one at all. Joanie just crossed to me and held me tight. She didn't try for words that she knew I wouldn't believe either. There was no assuring me he'd be fine when we both knew the odds and there was no telling me I was being silly when the feeling was possibly warranted. She just held me and that told me that no matter what did happen that I'd have her by my side. There was comfort in that knowledge and I was grateful she'd accepted the ring.

Later on I was driving Joanie to my place.

"Daddy wanted to know if you'd like to help Noah out on this new case. You'd get the chance to see what it would be like to work there. It's kind of fun actually."

I had ideas as to what I wanted to do, not that I had shared my ponderings with Joanie, but I thought it couldn't hurt to see what it was like at the firm.

The next day we went in and Joanie had decided to come too. Now it was me Mr. Cohen wanted to show the ropes but Joanie made some excuse like she thought she'd help me find my way around. I could see through it but Mr. Cohen didn't. Well, it seemed Mr. Shapiro and Mr. Cohen had some big case with the Anti-Defamation League and they needed a lot of research done. Noah was working his tail off but they needed things from him like writing the actual briefs where Joanie and me and Dan Shapiro could just set our minds to research. Aaron was spending the summer in Cambridge trying to make up for the lost semester from his recovery. I had only met Dan at my folks' funeral but he was a nice guy. He was just starting school in the fall. I think he was headed to Yale and he was intent on getting a law degree and working for his dad.

We walked in and Noah was the first one we saw. Joanie hugged him and I was taken aback for a second. I forgot that she did a lot for her dad and she had worked on a project with Noah at school. Joanie was a hugger anyway. Noah looked at me over Joanie's shoulder and I think my initial reaction made him uncomfortable and then that made him kind of mad. Noah was a proud man and it ticked him off something royal when someone acted strange around him because of his skin and I'll admit that was part of it but not in the way he thought. Still once I got over myself and started smiling at Joanie finally being able to feel comfortable hugging people again—she was always a bit more distant after Stan—I think he settled down too. It's not like he didn't know at least some of what had happened and I think he finally realized it was less that a black man was hugging on Joanie and more that any man was but then like I said, Joanie was a hugger and seeing her shy away from contact for so long hurt worse than seeing her run up to someone I still didn't know all that well and hug him.

"Jimmy," Noah said shaking my hand, "Jacob is going to be glad to see you. He's got plans for you."

"Aw, he's just making plans 'cause it's weighing on him that I haven't yet," I said, "Except planning to marry his first born and without any other plans that's making him nervous."

"Only partly true, James," I heard from behind me and turned to see Mr. Cohen standing there. "I know you'd come up with something and it's not like you're unemployed now. I just think this might be a good fit for you."

"I'm here to get an idea what it's about," I told him.

"Well, today we're going to have you around the office getting an idea of what we're doing," he said, "There's a lot of research that's already been done and just needs organizing so Noah can get some motions started. Tomorrow I think I'll have you over at the law library at U of M to get some more research done."

I had no idea what most of that meant. I mean we'd gotten lawyers when I was in trouble but I had no idea what they was doing most of the time and then most times they did what I now know is called a plea deal and that's where you agree to plead guilty to either what they accuse you of or something less in order to avoid a trial. I know now I probably would have been better off going to trial but I didn't then. Pretty much unless you did it and all the evidence says you did it, you're better off going in front of a jury. A couple of times I ended up pleading guilty to something when I was actually innocent. I can't blame the lawyers too much though. You don't know how overworked those public defenders are.

I spent the day finding out how tedious it can be to be a lawyer. Pages and pages of what they call precedent. See when you want to argue something like whether something is admissible or something like that, you have to find another court case that said that it is or isn't or that you can make sound like it said that. By the end of the day I wanted to claw my eyes out of my head with my fingers and the next day was worse yet. That was slogging through I think literally tons of big heavy books looking for cases that might have anything to do with our case. As much as I wanted to die of boredom, Joanie was eating it up. She loved research and she loved reading through all those books and she loved trying to put it all together. She and Noah were an inspired team and I was just dying to be anywhere but there. We got back to the office and Mr. Shapiro was there working away and going over an argument Noah had written.

"Do I hear my zeisele?"

"Uncle Eli!" Joanie yelled and ran to his office.

Dan rolled his eyes, "She always was Dad's favorite."

He was joking because Eli Shapiro had more than enough love and kindness in him to love his children and the Cohen children equally and a number of others as well. I think I even got absorbed in there somewhere along the line and I think if Noah hadn't already been a grown man, Mr. Shapiro might have adopted him outright.

I sat down and started going over what Joanie, Dan and I had collected with Noah and pretty soon I got my reprieve.

"Uncle Eli wants to talk to you," Joanie said to me as she sat down at the table where we were all working.

I wandered in. I liked Mr. Shapiro a lot and I know I earned a lot of points with him during the aftermath of Stan so I wasn't really all that worried.

"James," he said looking up from a stack of papers, "Close the door please."

That was a little unnerving to me. I started to wonder if he was upset with me for some reason. He got up and poured a couple glasses of scotch and set one down in front of me. That seemed not so bad. If you're about to lay into someone you don't share your good booze with them first.

"I haven't had the chance to congratulate you yet," he started and raised his glass. "L'Chaim!"

I raised my glass as well and echoed his sentiments.

"You're a good man and you'll take good care of Joanie," he went on, "Not that you needed my blessing. I understand you had Jacob's for quite some time now."

"I did sir," I said as I took a sip. Damn that was some good scotch.

"What is it with you and the formality?" he asked gently, "I thought all you kids were rebels fighting the man as it were."

"I think there's a saying about books and covers that answers that for you," I said smiling.

He laughed at that, "See, I knew there was a reason I liked you. Now there shouldn't be any more of this 'sir' business. You call me 'uncle' like my Joanie does. Your children, God willing, will be less confused that way."

"Yes si—Uncle Eli," I said and it felt strange but then sort of good too. I didn't have a hell of a lot of family and I don't think I'd ever had an uncle. Maybe I did but Polly and my old man sure didn't let me in on it if I did.

"You'll get used to it," he said, "I actually didn't even call you in here for that but things come up, don't they?"

I looked at him strange.

"You don't want to be a lawyer, do you, James?"

"I, well, what I mean is, well, no," I finally confessed, "No I don't. Please understand, I respect what you and Mr. Cohen do and you really help people but I just don't think it's my cup of tea."

Eli sat back in his chair and smiled at me.

"So," he said in a thoughtful sort of way, "That is one career you know you do not want. This is progress. But there are many more things out there. You are now a mechanic so do you want to do that for your living?"

"Not really," I admitted, "It's not a bad job and Al's good to work for and all but I feel like I sort of got it by default, you know? Like I didn't know what all was out there and I could either do nothing and get into more trouble and keep living at home with my folks which was not so good or I could work for Al. There's a lot more out there and I feel like I have choices."

Eli looked at me like he just noticed something.

"You know what you want, don't you?"

"I wasn't full sure of it before," I said, "But I am now, I want to study Psychology and then maybe go into social work. There's lots of kids out there like me and maybe I could help some of 'em."

The smile that spread across Eli Shapiro's face right then was one I didn't recognize immediately but I soon realized it to be one of pride. He hardly knew me and had no stake in my raising but he still was proud. At the time I thought he was proud of Joanie for picking me which was heady enough to have a man like him think that about me but he later explained he was proud to know me. When I heard that, months later, I think I could have fallen right over.

"You look worried, James," he said, "You have chosen a noble pursuit and you look worried. You should look happy and maybe even relieved to have made the choice."

"It's just that Mr. Cohen has been so excited to have me here working with him," I explained, "I'm not sure how to tell him that law isn't for me."

"I have known Jacob much longer than you and he will be just fine," he assured me, "If you tell him what you just told me, he will be as pleased with your decision."

"You really think so?" I asked.

"I know so," he replied, "Now, I believe you have a conversation or two to have with your young lady."

I looked up sort of questioning.

"You have not told her of your choice," he said simply, "And you have not talked about hers yet either."

I still had the dumbest look on my face you could imagine and Eli chuckled at me.

"I have not suddenly become a mind reader," he said, "I spoke with Joanie. She has not told me of her plans but I have a hunch. I think your news will please her."

I stood feeling as good as when I had problems as a kid and went to Al for advice. I know kids resist parents and grownups in general like the plague but there are many, many advantages to talking to someone with more life experience and Eli was about as unflappable as Al. I think that comes with age too.

I left his office feeling about a hundred pounds lighter and leaned over Joanie's shoulder.

"Are you about ready to call it a day?" I asked.

She looked up as if startled. Man, she really loved this stuff.

"Nearly," she informed me.

I went over to chat a bit with Noah.

"Is it just me thinking my fiancée is the greatest or is she really good at this?" I asked him.

"She's damned good at it," he told me, "Of course she's passionate about the subject matter too but I've seen her get like this over much less interesting stuff. She's something else that woman of yours."

"That she is."

Joanie wrapped up what she was working on and came over to the two of us.

"What are you two talking so quiet about?" she asked and she was tired from the work she'd done all day but looked somehow energized by it too.

"You," I said honestly and Noah chuckled a little bit.

She rolled her eyes.

"The two of you are incorrigible, you know that?"

We both smiled at her. I hadn't known Noah all that long but he was a pretty good partner in crime. I sort of had the same feel with him that I had with the other guys.

"Hey Noah," I said catching his attention, "I was wondering when the last time was you had a decent, sit down family dinner?"

"It's been a while," he admitted, "Sometimes Jacob or Eli bring me something but it's not the same. I sure do miss my auntie's cooking."

He'd been raised by his aunt outside Chicago.

"Well, she's not your aunt," I said, "But I know someone who's a damned fine cook and there's always room at her dinner table for another lost soul. If you can tear yourself away from this excitement next Sunday, Emma's is right around the corner from the garage just two houses in. The men are usually on the porch."

"You're sure this is going to be alright with her?"

"She'll be glad to have you," I said.

I got Joanie into the car and we drove a while before she spoke.

"What did you and Uncle Eli talk about?" she asked.

"He wanted to congratulate me on getting engaged to the best girl around," I said.

"That's not all you talked about is it?"

"No," I admitted, "I told him that I had decided what to do with my life, besides make sure you're in it, of course."

"You don't really like working at the firm, do you?" she said more than asked.

I shook my head and explained my plans. I thought she might be upset with me but she scooted across the seat and kissed my shoulder before placing her head there.

"You are a wonderful man, James Hickok," she said and she sounded like she was maybe crying or fighting not to.

"I think maybe you've made a decision too," I said, "I have an idea what it might be but I'd love it if you told me."

"I haven't made any decision at all."

"Yes," I said, "You have. I think it might push the wedding back some if I'm right and I think for some reason you're afraid to say it out loud and you're especially scared to tell your dad but I don't know why."

"I don't want to push the wedding back."

"So you think you're alright with law school while you're married?" I asked. I was a little out on a limb but it was impossible not to see how she lit up when she was doing all the research and everything.

"James," she said sort of shocked, "How did you know?"

"Sweetheart, people three counties over are getting blinded by how you brighten when you're working on this stuff," I told her.

"I really love this and there are so many ways to help people," she said.

"It's perfect for you," I agreed, "So why are you afraid to tell people?"

"I thought you'd want to push the wedding back and it sounds like that was a well founded," she said, "And Daddy has been so wrapped up in you being the son he didn't have to work alongside him and eventually take over for him like Dan is doing for Uncle Eli."

"You think he wouldn't be proud to have you work alongside?" I asked, "I'm sure he just hadn't noticed your passion. He might have just thought you liked spending time with him or something. I used to think that until I watched you the last two days."

"I hope you're right," she said uncertainly.

"I know I am," I told her, "But it looks like we both have some talking to do with your dad."

I took her hand and suddenly the world was instantly more certain and yet a little scarier. It is grounding to have a goal but also scary to set your sights on something knowing how many things can stop you from getting there.

* * *

><p><strong>Lots to talk about coming up...I think it was harder to figure their career paths than my own when I was their age. Loving you all!-J<strong>


	45. Chapter 45

I didn't sleep too good that night. I should have mind you. Joanie sure the hell gave me a work out but I just couldn't stop the worry for her. I wasn't worried about her going to law school exactly. I knew she could do it. I just always worried whenever she put pressure on herself. She was adamant that she was not going to push the wedding back. She conceded that there wouldn't be children immediately and I was actually grateful for that. I loved the idea of children with Joanie but if she had kids before she had that degree she might not get that degree at all and I could lose her to boot. She just tried to do too much and had such standards of perfection for herself.

Finally I got up to get some water or tea or something to see if it would help me get to sleep. I was sitting at the table fretting like a woman when Joanie got up.

"Is something the matter?" she asked though I knew her well enough to know that she knew me well enough to know there was. I thought about making something up but decided at that hour and my lack of sleep that the truth was my best bet. It would be easier to keep track of.

"I got worries," I said and she got herself a cup of tea and sat down across the table from me.

"It's best to share those," she said, "It makes them less worrisome."

"I worry about you," I told her.

"That's silly, James," she said, "I'm fine and I have you to look out for me. How could you possibly worry?"

"I know how you are when the pressure gets too much," I said, "I don't have any crazy ideas about how a wife is supposed to be but I have a feeling you do and trying to keep up with that and law school is too much to load on yourself. I love you too much to see you in that state."

"I know I'm crazy," she said looking at the table and finding her tea bag very interesting. "I wish you hadn't ever seen me like that. I was horrified the first time I well, had one of my little episodes. I thought you'd never want to have anything to do with me."

"You have fears, Joanie," I said, "There's no crime in that. I think they get to you worse than some other folks' do but I can handle that at stressful times like finals. I just don't want to see you put too much pressure on yourself."

"I'm afraid too," she confessed, "I really want this but I don't want to wait any longer than I have to before marrying you. I really want to be your wife. I thought that was something I could live without but I can't. I do need a man. Well, I don't, I need you. Maybe you can help me see when I'm doing too much or trying to do too much."

"Oh I will," I assured her, "You won't like it. I can hear it now, 'James, I'm a grown woman and if I want to do this or that I just will and no man is going to stop me even if he is my husband.' But I'll do it anyway because I will love my wife far too much to let her get too frazzled."

I said my predicted quote of her in this high pitched voice and Joanie started giggling at me. I started laughing too. It was exactly how it would happen too and we both knew it. But we both knew that's just how things were going to have to be. Then Joanie got real serious.

"I'm going to regret saying this," she said, "But you shouldn't marry me. I go crazy too often. That's bad for you. You don't deserve it."

"Joanie," I began and took her hands in mine. "Did I ever tell you that before I met you I had sworn off women entirely?" She shook her head. "Well, I had. They were too much trouble and I didn't understand them besides. Then this amazing woman pulled up one day in her beautiful Corvette and no amount of swearing was going to keep me from her. It was like the clouds parted and a light came from heaven and choirs of angels sang and they were all telling me, 'Hey stupid, this is the one.' I fought it for a while and was a complete ass of course but somehow you gave me chance after chance. I don't like seeing you hurting and upset but I love that I can help and that I get to be your hero sometimes. I know you don't need a man specifically to save you. You are no ordinary damsel in distress but you do need people and there's no shame in that at all. Maybe I just like that it's me you need. I know I need you something awful and I'm not just talking about your body."

"I'll get plenty needy before I get that law degree," she said, "But it'll always be you I need and I am talking at least partly about your body."

She smirked at me and put the cups in the sink. I grabbed her and carried her off to bed.

"What on earth are you doing, James?"

"I'm fixing to ravage the woman I love unless she does something to stop me," I said raising an eyebrow at her. It was a half dare to stop me and giving her a chance to if she wanted. There was still the ghost of Stan to sometimes be aware of.

"A handsome strapping man like you?" she said with a little bit of a growl. "Why she'd be a fool not to just let you have your way with her."

"That sounded like and invitation, ma'am," I said setting her down on the mattress and looking her up and down like a cat appraising a goldfish in a bowl.

She giggled at me and wiggled out of her nightgown and then lay back down.

"What are you waiting for?" she asked.

Well that was a good question and I decided to answer by not waiting any longer. Nothing in my life ever felt so good as the feel of her body next to mine.

I finally got some decent sleep after that. I mean who wouldn't? That girl could wear a man out and she was all mine. Falling asleep with that knowledge was easy really.

The next day Joanie went back out to Bloomfield Hills and I went to my usual work. I had just finished classes for the summer and didn't have anything in the evenings until I started at Wayne State a couple of weeks later. After work I grabbed some sandwiches on my way out to the firm to bring to everyone working there.

I walked in and Joanie was so buried in a book that she didn't even see me. Noah did and he just smiled at me while I walked quietly up behind her and bent over to kiss her neck. She jumped and then whirled on me.

"James!" she hollered swatting at me, "What would even possess you to sneak up on a person like that?"

"Well I wouldn't sneak up on just any person but you just looked a little too kissable right then," I tried to defend myself as Noah and Dan just dissolved into laughter.

I think Joanie tried to stay mad at me for a second but she just couldn't and she put her arms around me and kissed me but good. I heard a throat clear behind me and I'll tell you there's nothing to make your face turn red faster than having your future father-in-law have to clear his throat to interrupt you kissing his daughter. I jumped to something resembling attention.

"Mr. Cohen," I said feeling guilty though I wasn't even sure what for. I mean she was my fiancée after all. "I was just, um, well, I brought sandwiches."

Right there more than my hatred of hours of research is why I was right not to be a lawyer. That was me thinking on my feet. Not pretty, I grant you. Mr. Cohen laughed a bit at me. He'd been young and in love once too. In fact, he was still deeply in love. Her parents were really inspiring actually.

Joanie grabbed my hand, "Daddy, could we talk to you about something?"

Mr. Cohen nodded and I dreaded to even think of what might have been going on in his head at that request. Joanie closed the door behind us.

"You're not in trouble are you?" Mr. Cohen asked immediately. Yeah, I was right to worry a bit though once he asked I got worried too and looked at her. I mean I trusted those pills she took and I trusted her to tell me something like that but hearing the words made me worry.

"Daddy," she said laughing nervously, "If that was the case, I would be too scared to tell you and I would have made mom tell you. I'm not pregnant."

Mr. Cohen and I each breathed a sigh of relief. Joanie elbowed me for mine. Like I said before now I wanted kids and I wanted them with Joanie but not then, not when it would ruin everything for her. I wanted them at the right time. As it was, the little buggers didn't have the best timing but that's a long ways down the road.

"James and I did have a few things to tell you," she said and nudged me. I looked at her blankly and rather than trying to get me to understand what she meant, she just said it.

"James doesn't want to be a lawyer. It's just not the right thing for him. He wants to go into social work of some sort, you know to help kids."

Jacob Cohen had been standing in front of his desk and with her words he sat down on the edge of it looking tired and maybe a little sad.

"I won't lie," Mr. Cohen said, "I'm disappointed. I had hoped my son-in-law would come and work with me and someday even take my place here. I respect your choice though, James. You'll be doing worthwhile work."

"Mr. Cohen," I said gaining his attention from his shoes, "I think maybe you've overlooked someone who'd love nothing more than to work alongside you and learn from you and even take over for the good work you do someday."

He looked at me perplexed.

"Joanie," I told him, "She loves every part of what you do here. It makes her come alive like nothing I've ever seen before. Wouldn't it be even better to have your daughter by your side than your son-in-law?"

"I don't know how I missed it," he said, "I taught my little girl she could do anything in this world that she wanted and then I passed her by myself. I'm sorry, honey."

Joanie hugged her dad tight and I could see the tension leave her. She'd have studied law anyway but I knew she wanted this blessing and the promise of helping her father with the work she felt was so important.

Sunday rolled around and I'll admit I hadn't seen too much of Joanie that week and it was sort of disappointing that I wasn't going to see her that day either. The trial she'd been helping her dad with was starting on Monday, or at least motions were going to be heard then and Mr. Cohen said he needed to get away from the case for a bit so they took off Friday night for the cabin and weren't due back until late Sunday night. Joanie was looking forward to spending some good time with her mom and Judy. The women hadn't gotten to spend nearly the time together that they would have liked that summer.

I went over to Emma's that day though as I did most Sundays. Al and Sam were on the porch drinking some beer and listening to the game on the radio.

"Hey there Jimmy," Al said like I hadn't seen him only Friday.

"Hey," I said back, "Is Emma in the kitchen?"

"Where else would she be on a Sunday?" Sam asked.

I headed in and found her checking the roast that was in the oven.

"It looks wonderful, like always, Emma," I said.

She smiled up at me.

"Well, it's got another half hour at least before it's done," she said, "Did you need something, Jimmy?"

"I kind of invited a friend to dinner," I said, "I hope it's alright. He's away from his family and I don't know the last time he had a good family meal."

"Hearing that," she said smiling, "I think I would have been angry with you if you didn't invite him. You know there's always plenty of food. So tell me about him. Where did you meet?"

"He was in one of Joanie's classes and he's working for her dad," I told her, "He's starting law school this fall."

"Does he have a name, Jimmy?"

"Noah Dixon," I said.

"I'm sure we'll all be glad to have Noah join us," she said with her usual warm smile.

"Thanks Emma," I said and grabbed a beer before heading out to the porch to see how the Tigers was doing.

We sat for a while listening to Ernie and I forget now who was winning but it don't really matter. Sometimes just the act of sitting on a porch on a nice summer Sunday with friends and listening to the game is quite enough to make the day good. I saw Noah's old beat up car turn onto the street and I waved and then watched as he pulled up to the curb behind my car.

"Are we expecting company?" Sam asked.

"Just a friend of mine," I said as Noah got out of his car and started walking up to the house. Now watching Al and Sam right then it occurred to me that maybe I should have thought to tell someone that Noah was a Negro. I really didn't take much note of it by that time. He was just a guy I knew and he was smarter than I was anyway so I didn't see what difference his color really made and I knew that Sam worked with Negroes sometimes and a lot of our customers at the garage were black so I guess it just didn't seem to be something I needed to warn people about.

"Oh yeah," I said before Noah made it within earshot, "He's black."

* * *

><p><strong>hehehe...yeah Jimmy "Oh by the way..." I love him so much sometimes.<strong>

**I want to say something about Emma's line where she said that she would have been upset with Jimmy if he hadn't invited Noah. It's actually a variation on something my grandmother once said to me. See, Nana Lee always made me mittens for Christmas...every year and often more than one pair she'd give me. I had a drawer full of wonderful homemade warm mittens. Well there was this little girl I used to walk to school with.I think I was in second grade and she was in first. Well first real cold day and my friend had no mittens. She owned no mittens...in Michigan! I went and hauled out a few pair and let her pick one. Later I told Nana Lee and said I hoped she didn't mind that I had given away gifts she had made for me. She said, "I would have been upset if you hadn't." I miss my Nana.-J**


	46. Chapter 46

"I can see that, Jimmy," Sam said, "And I guess I shouldn't have given the look I did. God knows Emma won't bat an eye."

Noah made it onto the porch and he gave me a strange look.

"Glad you could make it, Noah," I said to him and quickly introduced him to Al and Sam before bringing him in the house to meet Emma and grab a beer.

"You didn't tell them I'm black, did you?" Noah asked once we was inside.

"It sort of slipped my mind," I told him honestly, "They figured it out though."

"Emma," I said standing in the doorway.

"Jimmy, I told you dinner's not ready yet," she said checking the dinner rolls in the oven. "Honestly you're worse than a little kid sometimes."

"I know I am," I said, "But I'm not asking about dinner. There's someone I want you to meet."

She straightened up and looked at me and then at Noah and the smile spread immediately. Sam was right, she didn't bat an eye. Hell all the talk Joanie and I did about equality she probably wondered how all my friends wasn't black. Emma never would've cared anyway. All she saw was someone's child what needed caring for and it didn't matter if he was black, white or polka dotted.

"Emma," I began, "This is Noah Dixon. Noah, I'd like you to meet the closest thing I ever had to a mom, Emma Cain."

Noah extended a hand to her but Emma wasn't having any of that. She wrapped her arms around him and with that he was an adopted part of our family.

It was a nice day and I think Noah got over any discomfort pretty quick. Before the meal we discovered his one flaw though. I brought him to the porch to listen to the game and he looked at me strange when I said we was listening to the Tigers. He was from the south side in Chicago and that made him a White Sox fan. We decided right then and there to never talk baseball too seriously because we'd probably have ended up in a fist fight. That's just how Detroit and Chicago are when it comes to most sports. There are exceptions or one anyway, if he'd been a Cubs fan we could've been okay but not the Sox. And somehow I knew we couldn't talk football or basketball or hockey either. I don't outright hate many teams but Chicago teams I do. And they don't like ours any better. So there wouldn't be a lot of sports talk with Noah but, hey, nobody's perfect.

After dinner we visited a bit before Noah decided he'd better be going. He was going to be in court the next day with Mr. Cohen and Eli. I know it was the first trial he was going to be in on and he was real excited about it. It's not like he was trying the case or anything but he was there to help them organize their evidence and the motions being made the next day were largely written by him. I walked him out to his car.

"Thank you for this, Jimmy," he said, "It was almost like being home."

"I think as far as Emma's concerned, you are home," I told him.

"I kind of got that," he laughed, "She's a special lady, that's for sure. She reminds me a lot of my auntie."

"I think I'd like your auntie," I said.

"I guarantee you would."

"Well, Emma has a big dinner every Sunday and she's got room at the table most nights if you call first," I told him, "You're part of the family, such as it is, now. If you don't come back at some point, you'll hurt her feelings and I'll have to come after you."

He laughed.

"The way that woman cooks I'd be a fool not to come back," he said.

"Good luck tomorrow," I said, "I'm sure Joanie will keep me posted as much as she can."

"Thanks," he said, "I'll try to keep you up to speed too."

"I appreciate it," I told him and he got into his car and drove away.

I climbed back onto the porch to an amused look from Al.

"What?" I asked.

"I just never have known what to expect from you," he said with a smile and I think he was kind of patting himself of the back for how I turned out. He deserved the atta boy too.

The trial started off pretty good I guess. I didn't understand half of what Joanie and Noah told me about it but it sounded like the judge was taking to their motions mostly and things were sort of going their way.

Pretty soon it was time for the fall semester to start. Joanie was calmer than I'd ever seen her at the start of a school year but I was nervous as a long tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs. Joanie came over once I got off work for the day on my first day of classes. I took nearly all night classes and she came to make me dinner before I went to class. I couldn't eat though. I was just too nervous. I was clearing my plate to the sink and she stopped me and backed me up against the counter with a kiss.

"You will be just fine," she said smiling at me, "I know you will."

"I just don't know about this," I said, "Nothing seemed real or high stakes before now. I don't think I've ever been this nervy before."

She still had me backed up to the counter and then she started undoing my pants.

"Joanie," I said, "You know normally I would drop everything to carry you off to the bedroom but I really don't have the time for this right now."

"Yes you do," she said in a breathy voice as she tugged on my ear with her teeth. She dropped to her knees pulling my pants down a little as she went and then she did something she'd never done before. At least she'd never done it with me. When I realized what she was about to do I thought about telling her she didn't have to. I knew that act still had some baggage with it but she shut me up before I could say a word and all I could do was hold tight to the counter and enjoy. Once she was done, or maybe more to the point, once I was I just sank to the floor. My legs weren't going to hold me right then.

"Still nervous?" she asked impishly.

"Maybe a tiny bit but there sure ain't no tension in me anymore," I said.

"I suggest you pull your pants back up," she said, "It's not socially acceptable to go to class with them around your knees."

Class went just fine and I needn't have worried but then maybe it was good I worried because I think Joanie sometimes liked knowing she could rescue me like I rescued her.

Things sort of mellowed for a while except for the trial. That thing dragged on forever but I guess sometimes they do. Joanie loved every minute of it and I was starting to see some hope for her. Law school was going to be a delight for her. I could see the pressure of school weighing on Noah but something told me that Joanie would flourish once she got there.

A call came somewhere around the middle of November and I was hoping I knew who it was.

"Hello."

"Jimmy?"

"Kid," I said, "I hoped it was you."

"We have another boy," he told me and I could hear his smile through the phone, I swear I could.

"What's this one named?" I asked, "And give me the full name this time."

"John Aloysius Cassidy," he said.

"I'll be sure to tell Al, it'll make his day," I told him.

"Aren't you just a little threatened by your wife's fascination with the Kennedy boys?" I asked.

"You know I wasn't with Bobby but she wants to call this one Jack as a nickname," he laughed, "You should see her now, she's taken to wearing her hair like Jackie. It looks good on her."

"I'll bet it does," I said, "Lou always was a pretty girl and she kind of has a similar look to the first lady even. Classy like, you know?"

"Hey, hey," he said, "I've punched you out in the past for saying less than that. Go ogle your own woman."

"I do and I ain't ogling your woman, I'm just pointing out a fact and reminding you how lucky you are," I assured him, "Just in case you ever forget."

"How could I forget?" he asked, "I see her everyday and wonder how I ever landed a woman like that."

"Good question," I said knowing that I would have gotten at least a punch in the arm for that comment if we hadn't been talking on the phone. "So how's she feeling?"

"Doctor says she did great," he told me, "They won't let me see her for a little while yet."

I knew he was on a phone from the hospital so we had to wrap it up as much as I wanted to spend the rest of the day talking about the new little one.

"I guess I should let you go and see if you can fuss over your son in the nursery window," I told him.

"Yeah," he said, "I'll talk to you real soon and don't forget we'll be up for Christmas."

"Like I could forget," I said, "I'm making red X's on the calendar. We miss you guys something awful, you know."

"I know. We miss you all too. Send along my love to everyone and if I'm not overstepping give that girl of yours a hug for me."

"Now who's got designs on whose woman?" I asked and then added more serious. "I will. She's going to be over the moon about little Jack."

"I'll see you soon, Jimmy."

"Yeah, Kid," I replied, "Real soon."

I don't know why I felt like crying when I hung up the phone but I guess I felt lonelier than I could ever remember right about then. My best friend, my brother had a life that seemed to be running ahead of me at light speed. And I couldn't shake that growing feeling that something absolutely terrible was about to happen. It just tore me up from the inside out.

Joanie was really happy about little Jack's birth and I thought Al was going to cry or something when I told him the kid's full name.

We sort of all muddled along until Kid and Lou came back home for Christmas. Chanukkah was later that year. Sometimes it's way over and done before anyone's even thinking of fat men sliding down chimneys but that year it didn't start until nearly Christmas and was still going on afterward. Kid and Lou and the kids came over and it must have been the second or third night. They'd never known too much about Chanukkah so it was a new thing for them. Joanie told the story better than I could have and we sang the blessings together but then told Kid and Lou and Theresa what we'd said. We always had a Christmas tree too. I know I converted but we sort of believed that celebrating was something there just wasn't enough of in the world and anything we could find to celebrate was a good thing. Besides there are Jews that are what's known as Messianic Jews or Jews for Jesus and I think Bob Dylan's one and things I'm sure get a little fuzzy in those circles come December.

I think little Jack might have been cuter than Bobby if that was possible and I hadn't been sure it was before then because Bobby was a cute little guy. Joanie outdid herself making sure it was the kind of Chanukkah she remembered from her own childhood. Those kids weren't Jewish and weren't going to grow up lighting those candles but she wanted to make sure they got the full effect anyway. I got a little glimpse of what the holidays would be like for our kids someday and got this real warm feeling all through me. Joanie might be a little flighty sometimes but she brought more joy into my life than I thought anyone could.

A couple days later was Christmas and a more chaotic family gathering was never had. Noah joined us for presents in the morning and dinner in the afternoon and laying around on the couch like beached whales while the kids squealed around our feet in the evening. There's something to be said for having your whole family together on a day like that. Whatever the day might be to some folks, to me it was a time to be with that crazy bunch of people surrounded by love. We all learned a little sign language from little Timmy. He ran up to me first thing when he saw me and wiggled his fingers in front of his face and then made a "C" and sort of rocked it back and forth. I looked up at Ike for a translation because it wasn't a sign I had seen before.

"Merry Christmas," he said.

I mimicked the sign back at Timmy and smiled at him and he threw his little arms around my legs until I lifted him up.

We'd all learn a lot more in time. I won't say I can speak sign to converse with anyone but I can understand a great deal and make certain things understood to people if they speak it. Timmy in time learned to read lips and even speak a little but he relied so much more on sign to make himself understood even though he could understand folks who didn't sign pretty well.

At the end of the night, Joanie and I made our way back to my place and lit the candles. I know they're supposed to be done at sundown but sometimes things get delayed. We thought about bringing the menorah over and lighting there but we knew that would be just too much to deal with what with all the little ones running all over. So we lit the menorah and said the blessings and got some tea before curling on the couch to watch the flames flicker.

I could feel Joanie's shoulders shake next to me and I knew she was crying. I kissed her temple and asked what was upsetting her.

"Oh just about a thousand things all at once," she said, "Today was so wonderful with everyone together and it means so much how everyone has accepted and welcomed Noah. And it just warmed my heart to see how well Timmy is doing and then I miss Kid and Lou and Theresa so much. They have been such good friends to me and I know what Kid means to you. I worry for them and it breaks my heart you don't have him closer."

The tears were just streaming by then and I held her tight. There wasn't anything for me to add, she had covered my feelings on the day pretty well too. That's the thing about the holidays. As much joy as there is, there's a slew of other emotions too and they can tie you up in knots. But right then, even with the worries I had for Kid and Lou, I couldn't think of a better way to spend an evening than sitting with my Joanie in the candlelight. That was pretty perfect right there.

* * *

><p><strong>So there's some ChristmasChanukkah fuzzies for you...Thanks to missilenthorse and her lovely children for the help with Merry Christmas in sign. Sweet little Timmy. Oh yeah and Bobby and Jack? Can they be anymore stereotypically Kennedy era? And can't you see Lou with a Jackie hair-do?**

**Enjoy the fuzzies...eventually we will all be singing the Invader Zim/Gir Doom song (look it up). **

**Up next: The British Invasion (google events of Feb 1963 if that was unclear). and an extra note because I was jumping the gun there...sadly there is much more before the fab four hit US shores...trying to rush something there...try events of Feb 1964. *sigh*-J**


	47. Chapter 47

That year we went to the big party at the country club again. So we rang in 1963 alongside Joanie's parents and Judy. Judy even had a date. I wasn't sure I liked him all that much. She was barely sixteen and all that boy did was stare at her chest and try to let his hand slip to her butt when they danced. Aaron was there and he asked Joanie to dance so that was my chance to get in a dance with Judy.

"Hey short stuff," I said, "Care to dance?"

The boy was in the bathroom or something so she smiled at me and nodded.

"I didn't know if you'd ask me with Rich being here and all," she said.

"That's his name?" I asked not really caring about the answer. "I'd ask you to dance no matter who's here. Who you dance with is supposed to be your choice, you know?"

"I do know," she said.

I turned her chin up to get her to look at me.

"How serious are you with this kid?"

"You're not my father, Jimmy," she said.

"Nope, I'm far worse," I explained, "I'm a big brother and I don't like how he looks at you. I've looked at girls like that and what I was thinking about at those times isn't anything you need to be around."

"I shouldn't like a boy who finds me attractive?"

"Judy," I said, "You're a beautiful young lady and lots of boys are going to be attracted to you but he doesn't really want you, just your body. Really, he just wants a couple of parts of your body. I haven't just seen it, I've been it. I know what a creep looks like because I was one."

"I know you're right and I saw Joanie do this with Stan and I thought she was an idiot and I'm doing the same thing," she said almost like all of that was just one word.

"You're young and his attention is flattering," I tried to calm her, "You need to get away before it goes too far. You deserve so much better than him."

"You don't happen to have a brother, do you?" she smiled at me.

"Not any that are single and not too old for you," I said.

"Dang it," she laughed and she suddenly looked like she was having fun for the first time the whole night. "I've never broken up with anyone before. I don't know how."

"Let me talk to him," I said, "He'll dump you before the countdown to midnight."

The song ended and I went to find Rich. I spotted him trying to order cocktails for the two of them and I didn't even have to wonder what he thought he'd accomplish giving her booze. I knew exactly what he was after. I wanted to punch him but there was no way I was going to do that there. He hadn't done anything as far as I knew.

"Rich," I said walking up behind him and putting an arm around his shoulder like we was old pals or something. "Just the man I was looking for."

"James, right?" he asked, "You're going to marry Judy's sister."

"That I am," I said, "Can you blame me? I mean, look at her."

"Yeah," he said nearly drooling over my fiancée. "I see what you mean. I see why you'd want to grab a hold of that. What a rack."

"That's a trait that seems to run in the family, doesn't it?"

"It sure does," he agreed, "Judy's aren't quite as big as her sister but they're pretty nice."

I had led him over to a secluded area near the coat room and we were alone as everyone else was out dancing and drinking and generally making merry.

"First of all," I said dropping any hint of a jovial attitude I might have had, "I don't care who you are, or what the situation is, you never, and I will repeat that, never admit you are checking out another man's fiancée. I should beat the crap out of you for that alone. And second of all, Mr. and Mrs. Cohen are nice people and they don't see the little creep you are but I'm not from some nice little suburb like Bloomfield Hills. I'm from Detroit. I've known creepy little jerks like you my whole life. I've been a creepy little jerk. Even if I wanted to forgive you for checking out Joanie's assets, and I don't, you definitely never tell a man you've got any awareness of his little sister's breasts. That's what she is to me and you are now the seedy little punk trying to get under her skirt. I don't care what excuse you make but if you ever lay one slimy little hand on Judy ever again I will show you how we deal with people like you in Detroit. I've been in jail for stabbing someone and my kid sister's honor wasn't at stake then."

I paused and looked at his wide eyes and wondered if he was about to wet himself.

"Do we have an understanding?"

The little rat nodded and slunk away. I know I stretched a couple of things there but I sure the hell wasn't going to let him think there was any leeway in the matter. A little while later I saw Rich find Judy and they talked a little bit and he walked away. I left Joanie by the punchbowl.

"You okay, short stuff?"

"I guess," she said looking a little sad.

"You didn't let him, well," I didn't even know how to ask such a thing.

"Second base, over the sweater only," she said holding her head up.

"Good girl," I told her.

"This was the right thing, right?" she asked.

"Yeah, I think so," I said remembering the conversation I'd had with the little punk. Poor Judy looked like she might cry but she was trying far too hard to stay strong. She was a lot stronger that her sister in a lot of ways but it still hurts to get dumped even when it was a relationship that wasn't going to work. I was sitting in a chair next to her and I pulled the kid onto my lap like you would a small child, I guess and hugged her tight.

"You're going to be fine and Rich whatever the hell his name was won't even be a footnote in your life," I told her.

"The worst thing," she said, "Is that I really liked him. He was funny sometimes and kind of good looking."

"You can do better," I told her, "Besides; I don't think he's Jewish. What would Bubbe Goldman say?"

Judy laughed and mimicked her grandmother's accent, "A goy? My granddaughter is nothing but a nafka!"

She shifted back to her own chair and she was feeling better but I remembered that word.

"She called Joanie that once," I said, "Nafka, what does it mean?"

"I'm sure she called her that more than once," Joanie said and then looked like she didn't want to tell me more.

"You need to tell me what it means," I said, "I mean I could find out from someone else but I think I'd rather hear it from you. From the looks of you, it's not very nice."

"Whore," she said softly, "Nafka means 'whore'."

I wasn't even aware I was clenching my fist until Judy put a hand over mine and I realized I had my hands balled so tight that it hurt to release them.

"Jimmy," Judy said softly, "She's an old lady. She doesn't even know how much time the two of you spend together and if she did it would be worse. She's very old world. You don't date people outside your group; you don't have two year engagements. You're a virgin on your wedding day. It's just the way things are in her head."

I was still seeing red when Joanie came over to see what was wrong. I couldn't even talk to her. I was so angry and hurt and I just couldn't believe what I had heard. I didn't have to answer.

"Rich and I just broke up," Judy said, "Jimmy was consoling me."

"I've seen him when he consoles someone and I've seen him angry, Jude," Joanie said matter of factly like they was discussing someone who wasn't sitting right there next to them. "This is angry."

"Rich was a real jerk," Judy explained and I know it wasn't the first time she played off her own pain to save her sister hurt. For a pest, Judy was about the best sister anyone could ask for. "He was going to try to get me drunk and convince me to go all the way. It made Jimmy mad."

"Are you alright now?" Joanie asked her sister, "You look like you were crying a little."

I took out my handkerchief and dabbed under Judy's eyes where her mascara had run a little and leaned over to her and spoke real soft.

"Thank you. I owe you one."

"I'm fine now, Joanie," she smiled and I think she was fine by then. "You go dance with your fiancé. I think I'm going to see what Aaron and Dan are up to. Maybe Uncle Eli wore out Aunt Naomi and he's ready to move on to a younger, spryer dance partner."

Joanie kissed the top of Judy's head and I patted her cheek as we headed for the dance floor.

"I can't believe he was about to try something like that," Joanie said.

"He was another Stan waiting to happen," I said, "He spent the whole night shifting his eyes between her chest and yours."

Joanie looked about to light out after the guy but I held her tighter.

"Judy's pretty tough," I said, "He didn't get far at all and he'll never lay a hand on her again."

There wasn't much left of the party after that. We rang in 1963 and then said our goodbyes and Joanie and I went home and curled up together to sleep. It was dark in our room and Joanie was still. I thought she had fallen asleep. I was far from it trying to figure how Bubbe Goldman could say such a wicked thing to her own granddaughter. Joanie wasn't sleeping either, it turned out.

"Thank you," she said softly as she rolled over to face me.

"I'm not sure what I did."

"Judy's my little sister but she looks after me as much and maybe more than I look out for her," she told me, "Thank you for looking out for her tonight."

"What can I say? The runt kind of grew on me."

"I just don't ever want her to have the hurt I did," she said.

Well the second semester coasted by alright after that and I realized that switching schools hadn't really changed all that much for me. I had gotten all the basic requirements already so all I had to do was my major and minor and that was all stuff I really liked. It was hard work too but when you're learning things you care about and that can help you do things you want to do then it makes it easier I think. I majored in Psychology and minored in Sociology. I could've done it the other way around but it was more interesting to me this way so it's how I did it.

Judy and I were a little closer after New Year's. She actually had me screen potential boyfriends. They'd pick her up at home and go through Mr. and Mrs. Cohen but then they had to meet me. I scared away more than a couple who saw her as nothing more than a pair of boobs. I think she was a little more outgoing than Joanie because I know Joanie never dated as much as Judy. I couldn't believe she'd been worried about getting rid of Rich. And talking like no other guy was going to think she was pretty. There was a couple she dated that were real nice guys. They noticed her body too but they also took note of her face and that she was a terrific girl. By summer she was dating some guy named Dave and he was even Bubbe approved. He was also a real nice guy and a good balance for Judy. She was fiery sometimes and Dave was a little calmer. I'll give you what they call these days a spoiler and tell you they don't stick and get married or anything. Judy was only sixteen and she hadn't even really begun her life. If she had been a more typical girl then maybe they would've gotten married and lived happily ever after but I don't know for sure. I just know they didn't.

The summer was good. We went to the cabin a few times. I always did like it up there. Annie found out she was expecting again. I think they were a little scared. When you live everyday with the reminder of how bad things can happen to a child, it makes it scarier to have more and then Timmy took a lot of work and time to teach him things and I think Annie especially was worried that she'd have to neglect someone. Either the new baby wouldn't get what it needed because she'd be seeing to Timmy or Timmy wouldn't get the time she needed to give him because of the baby. But I know they were excited too. They had wanted a good sized family and had never intended for Timmy to be an only child. We got to August and Joanie came in one day to the garage just beaming and I noticed she was driving Mr. Cohen's car, the Caddy.

"Well, hello beautiful," I said as I kissed her and I think I could hear Al's eyes roll behind me. He could put on whatever act he wanted. If he'd been young and in love he'd have done the same thing and I knew he was happy I had someone. "What brings you here?"

"Daddy wanted me to get the car tuned up," she said, "Do you have time?"

I looked around and the shop was pretty dead right then so I nodded.

The car was practically brand new. A new Cadillac every couple years was a luxury Jacob Cohen afforded himself.

"Why did it need to be tuned up right now?" I asked.

"Because I'm taking it to Washington next week."

"He's letting you try a case for the Supreme Court already," I teased her, "Pretty chancy for a girl not even in law school yet."

She pursed her lips at me and I thought she might get angry but then she laughed.

"Not exactly, Noah and I are heading to a civil rights march," she said softly like I might be angry or something and really if I was someone who thought more about appearances, I might have been. But I knew she had no romantic designs on Noah and he had become a good enough friend that I knew he'd never lay a hand on her. "You wouldn't maybe be able to come too, would you?"

I knew I could get the time off so I smiled, "Well, I guess I'd better or every cop between here and D.C. is going to think he kidnapped you."

Now that was the truth and actually in some places it still is. It's sad that anyone jumps to conclusions like that but they do.

We left on Tuesday for the rally on Wednesday. It just made far more sense to drive straight through. Trying to find a motel we'd all be welcome at was just unrealistic so we took turns driving and sleeping and got in early Wednesday. I'm going to toss out a date here and I know I'll never forget it. There's some dates you remember because of the bad things that happened and we'll get to plenty of those but then there's some that you remember because you wish you could freeze time. August 28, 1963, that was one of the good ones. If you don't know what the date means, it's the day that the Rev. Martin Luther King, Jr. gave his famous "I have a dream" speech. Seventeen minutes of thinking about, and even being shown a world that could be if we just kept trying for it. Everyone crowded there listening and none of us cared a bit if we was wedged up against someone with light or dark skin. I nearly cried and I know Noah did cry. Dr. King had a way of speaking that always sort of sounded like a prayer being raised to the heavens.

"I have a dream that one day my four little children will live in a world where they will be judge not by the color of their skin but by the content of their character."

Amen.

* * *

><p><strong>Wednesday, August 28, 1963 was in fact the date of the march in Washington where MLK gave that wonderful speech. "Let freedom ring! Let freedom ring!" I think Noah for all his toughness would have cried listening to those words and seeing all those people from all over and all different colors joining for one vision. I would have. Those who know your history know the jubilation is to be short lived...November brings one of our nation's saddest days.-J<strong>


	48. Chapter 48

Starting the school year right after seeing Dr. King give that speech inspired all of us. I think it confirmed for us that we could really change the world if we wanted to and sort of validated our choices. This was the last year of undergrad for Joanie and me both and the second for Noah in law school. Being a senior at that time was great. I got to start working toward what I really wanted to do and what I mean by that is that I got to work at it. I spent time in some schools and community centers and places like that trying to help out some of the kids. I know that wasn't going to be my only job and I did some work helping families and there was a lot of helping women who were on their own. Some of them had kids and some didn't.

I learned a lot between classes and the work I was doing. There's as many sides to a story as there are players in it. I tell you this tale but if you asked Buck or Ike or Emma or even Joanie to tell it and you'd get a different sort of story. Most events would be the same but what they meant to each person or even what caused things would be different in another person's eyes.

I really loved what I was doing though. I mean there was lots of days that I said something else because when you do what I did, you can't help everyone. Some people can't be saved and some things can't be fixed. I'm sure you get that everywhere though. I mean people go into medicine to help people and make them better but not everyone can get better and some people die and there's not a damned thing anyone can do about it. But I at least most days felt like I was putting in the good fight.

My schedule got a little more fuzzy around then. I ended up coming into the garage at night to take care of things that I couldn't get done while I was in school. If I had worked for anyone else but Al Hunter, I probably wouldn't have had a job but he understood and actually started looking for someone to maybe take my place after I graduated. He didn't figure I'd want to keep fixing cars and he was kind of right. Though I will say I did my own maintenance on every car I owned until they hit the point where you needed a degree in Computer Science to understand what was under the hood.

Long about November and I had settled into a nice routine. I knew where I was going to be on which days and at which time. Well along came this Friday later in the month and my appointments I usually worked on Fridays had been cancelled and I was caught up at the garage so I was home trying to catch up on some schoolwork. Joanie never had classes on Fridays that semester so she was there. Now it's funny to me to think about this part because you wouldn't ever talk to Joanie and peg her for a soap opera fan but she was. It was something she and her mom kept track of whatever they could. That's not as hard as you'd think because those storylines on those shows don't hardly move at all. You can miss a week or two and come back and it's like you saw it just the day before. So when she didn't have class during the day like that she had the soaps on. Well, I didn't care at all about those shows so I was in the bedroom with the radio on reading and I think trying to get a paper written. Joanie was doing some dishes while she listened to more than watched "As the World Turns". It was a little past one-thirty I guess and I heard a crash and a thud from the general direction of the kitchen. I rushed out to see if Joanie was alright and found her sitting in a pile of broken glass in the middle of the kitchen. Her eyes were wide and there were tears trying to form but she was too shocked to get them fully moving. Her hand was up to her mouth and the way she was frozen might have been comical if not for the mixed up look in her eyes.

"Are you okay, Joanie?" I asked and it was kind of a dumb question because she obviously wasn't. Me talking was enough to break her out of her shock though and she just shook her head and cried pointing at the TV in the next room. I somehow got to her without cutting my feet on all the glass. She had apparently been drying a big glass bowl and dropped it. We got into the living room so I could look her over and make sure she wasn't hurt when the announcement broke into the soap opera again. There was no visual right then and we all found out later that there wasn't a camera available for Walter Cronkite to use so we were making do with just his audio announcements for a while.

"Here is a bulletin from CBS News. In Dallas, Texas, three shots were fired at President Kennedy's motorcade in downtown Dallas. The first reports say that President Kennedy has been seriously wounded by this shooting. More details just arrived. These details about the same as previously: President Kennedy shot today just as his motorcade left downtown Dallas. Mrs. Kennedy jumped up and grabbed Mr. Kennedy, she called "Oh, no!" the motorcade sped on. United Press says that the wounds for President Kennedy perhaps could be fatal. Repeating, a bulletin from CBS News, President Kennedy has been shot by a would-be assassin in Dallas, Texas. Stay tuned to CBS News for further details."

I suppose in the timeline of every country there are days that hit you below the belt. Those are the ones where everyone knows where they were when they heard. I can imagine that a hundred years earlier people talked about where they were and what they were doing when they heard about Lincoln and I know I heard plenty of folks a little older than me that would never forget hearing about Pearl Harbor. The first of that kind of moment I ever knew was November 22, 1963. We watched this man on TV. We saw him in Life Magazine playing with his little boy. It just never occurred to you that he could be shot. We kept watching, just staring blankly at the set without moving for near to an hour until Cronkite put his glasses on to read the Associated Press news flash.

"From Dallas, Texas, the flash, apparently official: PRESIDENT KENNEDY DIED AT 1 P.M. Central Standard Time, 2:00 pm Eastern Standard Time, some thirty-eight minutes ago."

He took his glasses off and you could tell that even though he was probably the most professional of newscasters that there ever was that he was having a hard time keeping it together. I've seen news guys report all sorts of things and the only time I've seen seasoned journalists show that much emotion was when President John Kennedy was pronounced dead and then in September of 2001. That was another of those below the belt moments.

Joanie screamed and I was in so much shock I didn't even hardly register her scream. I just pulled her to me and let her wail in my ear. I couldn't even cry. Nothing made sense anymore. This was a young man with a young beautiful wife and two little kids. He was the only president I recall being young enough for teenaged girls to put pictures of on their walls. He made all of us kids who had felt like we couldn't do anything until we was too old for it to matter feel suddenly like we didn't have to wait for age spots and bifocals to be taken seriously. He told us that we all belonged and that everyone was supposed to have a shot at the American dream. He was the champion of every black man and every woman and everyone else who ever felt hopeless. He was proof that it was possible to be something other than the WASP-ish powerful ones and still be taken seriously and still make changes. And he was gone.

I held Joanie as tight as I could as she pounded her fists against my back and screamed out. I had bruises the next day and we discovered later that Joanie had cut herself. It wasn't bad but her jeans were a loss. Even if she could have gotten the blood out, they were cut too badly and it wasn't quite the full on hippy era yet when you could just slap a peace sign patch over it.

I don't even know how long we sat on that couch. Eventually she stopped wailing and just cried against me and eventually I found my own tears. The calls came in the evening. You know the kind of calls where people are just reaching out to feel not alone as they are trying to figure out where to go and what to do in a world that just doesn't make sense anymore. Noah called and I could hear his tears as he asked for Joanie. I told her he was on the phone and she just shook her head.

"She's not up to talking," I told him, "Though I don't think anyone in this country is right about now."

"There's some truth there," he said.

"How are you holding up?" I asked pinning the phone against my shoulder so I could sweep up the glass. I was still wandering around in my stocking feet in the kitchen and I'll tell you that a glass cut right on the sole of your foot is about the most annoying thing possible. I didn't feel it right then but I did later when I realized I was leaving red prints everywhere I walked on the linoleum.

"I think I might still be mostly numb," he said and I nodded like he was going to be able to hear that through the phone.

I got off the phone with him and then Judy called. I made Joanie take that call though. I could comfort Judy in the big brother capacity but she needed her sister as much to know that Joanie hadn't come unglued completely as she did to have her big sister tell her somehow it would be alright.

I left Joanie alone and went back to the bedroom to stare at my book. It's not like I was deluding myself into thinking I would get anything done but I had to feel like I was doing something.

The whole country was just in shock and there's not another word for it. Most people sort of holed in and when they were out they just sort of looked dazed. I guess Al had the radio on in the garage and once the news of the shooting hit; he locked the door and turned the sign in the window to close. He didn't reopen until Tuesday. The funeral was Monday and it sort of seemed like everyone was going to a funeral. It was sort of the case though because we all watched it on TV. Joanie and I went to Emma's and we weren't alone. Sam couldn't get off work, of course and the Rouge doesn't shut down for much but Carol and Annie were there with the little ones. Emma was trying to stay strong for everyone but I knew she was as disoriented as the rest of us. See the constitution takes into account times when the president might not be able to do his job for lots of reasons and those include assassination but knowing who's taking over doesn't help answer why anyone would do this to begin with. I know he wasn't the first world leader ever to be killed like that and he wasn't even our first president to be assassinated and certainly not the first to die in office. He wasn't even the last one to get shot though Reagan pulled through alright.

We were just all so bewildered. It was hard to believe that it was real.

We watched the whole thing and I was sitting between Emma and Joanie on the couch so when that little boy who only turned three that very day—can you just imagine turning three years old the day of your father's funeral?—when he saluted his father's casket as the horses took it by, that's when Emma just couldn't stay strong or even pretend to anymore. She turned to me and sobbed and I wrapped an arm around her. My other arm was consoling Joanie who didn't do any better with that image. It's still one of those iconic images. You can run that stupid film of him being shot over and over and we get sort of numb to it after a while but you can't get numb to seeing a little boy in short pants saluting his father's casket as it drives by.

* * *

><p><strong>I wasn't alive when President Kennedy was assassinated but I've been through a couple below the belt moments as Jimmy put it and I hope I captured the general feel. (Cue Dicky Dunn from Slap Shot "I was just trying to capture the spirit of the thing.")<strong>

**This was tough to write. JFK is still a very beloved figure. I made it through with the help of my Bob Dylan centered Pandora which happened to start playing John Lennon's Imagine right when Joanie heard the first report.**

**I knew this would be hard on her and on Noah as well. I didn't know how hard it would be on me. Just doing the research on the timeline of the day was painful. Oh and those are the direct quotations from Walter Cronkite as he broke into As the World Turns and then after CBS had scrapped the rest of the days programming in favor of keeping people posted on the breaking news. Walter Cronkite was the most unflappable journalist I have ever seen but really check out the video of him delivering the confirmed report of Kennedy's death. I'm certain it's on Youtube.-J**


	49. Chapter 49

I wish I could say that the funeral brought comfort to any of us but it really didn't all that much. Joanie was pretty much a wreck for a while. Noah put on a brave face—one I'm sure he practiced a lot—but he was hurting too. It didn't surprise me the basket case Joanie was for a few weeks but then once we got past the first of the year I reminded her of something.

We were dancing at the New Year's party. The countdown had just ended and I kissed her and then we went out on the floor for the next dance.

"It's 1964," I said.

"I know," she said looking at me like I was an idiot since everyone had just been shouting 'Happy 1964'.

"I just remembered a few things that happen in 1964."

"You see the future now?" she asked me.

"Well, Kid and Lou are coming back in June," I said, "Some wedding or something that Kid has to be in. I guess he's the best man."

The smile spread across her face as she realized what I was talking about.

"I didn't forget," she said almost like she was begging me to believe her, "Honest I didn't forget."

"I know you didn't," I told her planting a kiss on her forehead, "I know you wouldn't forget it."

The corners of her mouth turned up again.

"What are you thinking about?" I asked her.

"In six months I won't be Joanie Cohen anymore," she said, "I'll be Joan M. Hickok."

"M?" I asked her. Honestly I hadn't ever heard her middle name to that point.

"Mildred," she said in a whisper like she was embarrassed, "It's dreadful, isn't it?"

"It's not so bad," I told her, "I don't think I'm going to want to use it for any of our kids though."

"Well, you would only over my dead body," she said and it was kind of a double joke there because it was considered bad luck or something to name a child after someone still living. Well, I guess not all Jews feel that way because the Sephardic Jews do the naming after thing all the time but where Joanie's family was from it was a bad thing and I think that's most Jews anyway.

"Okay," I admitted, "It's not the prettiest name, especially for such a pretty girl. But at least it's not your first name."

"Thank goodness," she said, "It's just an initial on a nameplate."

We danced a little bit more and then she said, "Mrs. Hickok, hmmm."

"I really think I like the sound of that," I told her, "How about you?"

"Can I tell you a secret?" she asked.

"I thought we weren't supposed to have any of those," I said sort of kidding with her.

"I was sort of ashamed," she said, "I make a big deal about how a woman can be so independent but I started putting my name with yours on that first drive home. You told me your name and all I could think of was being Mrs. James Butler Hickok. Well, until you turned into a jerk and then all I could think was 'Gee, Joanie, you sure can pick them.'"

"I'll never figure why you gave me that second chance," I told her, "I really thought I blew it."

"I talked to Mom and she said that Daddy used to get defensive sometimes too," she said, "And then you were positively adorable when you apologized."

"I wasn't feeling adorable," I said, "I felt stupid for the way I treated you and that I might've messed up my one chance to…" I let my words trail away. There wasn't any way to put voice to anything I feared that day. Joanie just smiled at me and hummed along with the music. When the song ended she whispered in my ear.

"Even baseball players get three strikes. I would have been dreadful if I'd only given you one."

"How many am I up to now?" I asked almost afraid to hear.

"Lets' see, you had two on you at one point," she said thinking, "Remember when we had that fight about secrets?"

I nodded. I remembered only too well.

"That was definitely a second strike," she stated, "No wait it wasn't. This isn't all one at bat. See, you had the one strike on you the day we met but then I would say you got a nice solid single when you asked me to prom. Then coming up north with us was good and I would have just given you a walk but for the last night."

"Strike?" I asked.

"Double," she said smiling like she was remembering.

"I don't recall being that good."

"Oh the sex wasn't great, I'll grant you," she laughed, "But the care you took of me, how gentle you were, how concerned for me well, that's worth at least a double…maybe a triple. Then there was the fight but see you had an empty count so it was just another strike one. I could go on but the way you took care of me after Stan was a home run. You'd have to mess up pretty bad to lose your hero status and you haven't."

"So, what am I?" I asked, "Superman?"

"Something sort of like that but you don't have a Clark Kent alter ego," she was really thinking about this as we headed to get our coats to go home. "Knight in shining armor maybe?"

"You've got to be joking," I said. She turned and faced me and just stared at me until I looked her in the eye. There was no joking on her face.

"I am most certainly not joking, James," she said sternly, "You have become something to me that I didn't think I needed but then maybe that's what I get for thinking. You are my hero, my champion. You can think of a caped hero or a knight on a white horse or whatever you want but it doesn't change a single thing about what you've been for me."

She took my hand and led me out into the cold night air. We got in the car and she spoke again.

"I wouldn't have made it without you. I fear I rely on you too heavily sometimes but you never seem to notice the weight."

"Well, you don't hardly weigh anything at all and besides, I can't let you fall. It hurts too much to see you hurting. I have to save you when I can."

She snuggled into me, "I love you so very much. You know that right?"

"I do," I said.

"You know I always will too."

"I never doubt for a second," I told her.

We moved along into February and well, I'll say that we, like nearly everybody then, I guess watched the Ed Sullivan Show every week but I don't think we were prepared for what happened on February ninth. Joanie made some popcorn and we settled down to watch like every Sunday and then it happened. Now, we'd heard Beatles songs before. Their first single hadn't been released officially in the United States yet and wouldn't be until April but there were radio stations that had gotten their hands on the British released single of Love Me Do and the flip side was P.S. I Love You. But there was no way we could have predicted the girls screaming themselves hoarse and fainting over those guys on the Ed Sullivan Show. What was more, I couldn't have ever guessed that when the phone rang I would nearly be deafened by Judy screaming in my ear. I handed the phone to her sister. The Beatles were something special and I don't think we all knew exactly how special at that time.

The Beatles were hardly the main focus of our lives right about then and I'll say that Sunday was a rare day for me and Joanie because I didn't see too much of her that last semester. She was working on her last few classes so she could graduate and then the rest of her time was all spent with her mom and sister and Sherry planning the wedding. Sherry couldn't help a great deal with the Jewish parts of things but she was going to be a bridesmaid anyway and went with Joanie to help pick out a dress and things like that. There was so much more involved with a Jewish wedding than any of the other weddings I'd been party to.

I had to help too and that was strange because I really thought I didn't care and for the most part I didn't care what color dresses Judy and Sherry wore or what kind of flowers Joanie carried. She was fine enough with me begging off from that stuff but when it came to the ketubah or contract, she informed me that it was tradition to have it framed and hung in the home and she said if I was going to have to look at it every day I should have a say on what it looked like. I had no idea there were artists who just did things like this. I asked her what all was in the contract since it was me who had to sign it.

"It just outlines your responsibilities and obligations as a husband," she said, "It used to be more about providing money if you died or we divorced but it's less that now."

"Well, I don't speak Aramaic so what am I going to be agreeing to?"

"Well, according to the contract you have to provide me with food and clothing and um, conjugal rights."

I looked at her not sure if I heard that right.

"Yeah, in the old times everything was about having lots of babies so they wanted to make sure people were having sex," she explained, "And when men had more than one wife, they wanted to make sure that both wives were, well, being taken care of equally. I guess it's not all about all that anymore but they do say that a healthy physical relationship helps keep the rest of it strong. Surely you don't have a problem with that, do you, James?"

"I don't except for the part where that's read out loud in front of everyone," I said.

She laughed at me, "Don't be such a prude. I can't even believe I just said that to you of all people. It's not like every married person in the building—or the Jewish ones anyway—didn't go through the same thing. And it's sort of assumed and actually expected once you're married."

I guess she was right. Whatever you suspect might be happening before your child is married, you know once they get past that wedding night that someone is having sex with your kid. And really that's a concern when you're a father and some young man comes to ask for her hand, you know it really isn't about her hands at all. And as much as a father considers this man as a whole and can he provide for her and support her emotionally and physically, you know you are giving formal permission for this guy to have sex with your daughter.

"Besides," I said, "I usually hear how a wife is supposed to submit to her husband."

"Sex is supposed to be at the woman's discretion," she said, "She should never be forced but she should also never use sex as a bargaining chip or as punishment."

"So I have to feed you and clothe you and have sex with you. That all seems easy enough," I told her, "I think I can manage all that."

"I'm not sure if the wording is still there but there might be something about coming up with ransom if I'm ever kidnapped," she informed me laughing a little and how antiquated some of these traditions are.

"I think that would go without saying."

"Of course I'm not sure how they could figure that anymore since the old standard for ransom was whatever my worth would be as a slave," she was trying to look serious but really I could tell she thought it was sort of funny and I did too.

"Well, I guess I could just skip the ransom and track down the evil-doers and go in guns blazing and rescue the fair maiden," I said.

"Oh my hero," she said in some over sugary voice that sounded like the cartoon damsel that just got rescued from the railroad tracks after the bad guy tied her there. Then she dissolved into laughter. It was pretty funny though.

"So you want me to have a say in the ketubah," I said, "What else?"

"You need to get the ring, of course and is there anything special you'd like to have in yihud?"

"You know what I like as far as all that," I told her, "And I have the ring under control."

"I know Kid is your best man but you need another attendant too," she pointed out and that had been a hard thing. It was to be a decent sized wedding and she had two attendants and I needed to balance them. There was never a second thought about my best man. No one else could be that for me and I made sure no one would have a problem with him not being Jewish. I even went to the Rabbi and asked and he said it was alright. But then I really didn't have another exceptionally close friend. I had good friends, friends who were like family to me even but well, to choose one over another was what was tough. I mean it really came down to Billy Cody or Noah. Though I wasn't sure what to do. Then I thought of another option. If Joanie had a brother, he would be the natural choice after my own brother and really she did have someone sort of like a brother and sort of like a best friend at the same time.

"Do you think Aaron would do it?" I asked.

It took her a moment to answer and when she looked up at me, her eyes were shining. I knew my choice meant a lot to her.

"I think he'd be honored but you'd have to ask him to be sure," she replied, "But just the thought…I can't believe you would do that for me."

I sat down and wrote a letter to Aaron asking him. He was just finishing up at Harvard and then was going to be starting medical school at Columbia in the fall. I would have liked to have asked him in person but that wasn't possible. I couldn't really drive off to Massachusetts to ask him and over the phone seemed, I don't know what it seemed but I thought writing a note was the best. I knew Joanie had his address. They wrote back and forth a lot. Years later I found all the letters he'd written her and I was real glad she'd kept them. I know they were a comfort to her sometimes.

The letter wasn't very long but I explained that he was like family to her and that he'd become a good friend to me as well. I knew I could never thank him enough for how he had helped her after Stan and for just being someone who understood her. It just seemed the right choice. I hoped he would agree and that he would do it. I never had talked to him a whole lot about being with Joanie and I didn't know at that time how he really felt about me or about the wedding and as much as Joanie and I promised to not keep secrets, I knew I was keeping one about how Lou felt and if Aaron had something to say about me, she probably wouldn't have told me.

I guess it was maybe a week or so later I got a phone call.

"Hello."

"James, it's Aaron."

Now I should have known why he was calling but I can be dense sometimes.

"Joanie's not here right now, did you try her apartment?"

"I actually wanted to talk to you," he said, "I got your letter."

"Oh," I said not wanting to even say more. This was the time for him to speak candidly and I had no idea if I wanted to hear what all he might have to say.

"I was really surprised you asked me," he told me, "I know you have a lot of friends and we don't know each other very well. But I think you're right and Joanie is like a sister to me."

He paused and I kept quiet hoping that wasn't a cue for me to speak or something.

"The way you worded things made me wonder about something," he went on, "Do you think you need my approval?"

"Not exactly," I told him, "But I could understand if you think she could do better or something and I wouldn't want you to do this if you weren't really all for the wedding."

"And I wouldn't," he said, "I could not stand in front of those people and bear witness to something I felt wrong about. I wasn't sold on you at first, James and I don't think that surprises you. Joanie's a lot more fragile than she likes to think she is and she rarely sees the danger in a situation until the alligators are biting her on the tuchus."

I sort of chuckled at his words as well as how accurate they were.

"After some of the guys she dated—and Stan wasn't the only total creep she got tangled up with—I got a little protective. I'm sure you can understand not wanting to see a dear friend who is close enough to really be family be hurt anymore," he said and I thought of times I had consoled Lou and the times Judy had come to me and I understood exactly what he meant. "I saw you at that party and I understood why she was with you. I hope this doesn't make you feel uncomfortable coming from me but you are a very good looking man, James. And there is a danger about you that is appealing. And I think Joanie had ideas of being needed and being the one to save you though I'm not sure what she thought you needed saving from. Maybe you do."

"Yeah I do," I told him.

"Well, I wasn't all sold on you being right for her and I wasn't thinking about marriage or forever. I didn't even think at first that you were good enough to date her. She seemed so happy with you and that was good and I watched you too. I watched you that night and every other time I saw you. I saw how close an eye you kept on her and how quickly you responded to her moods. Joanie might have let slip that you were the one who took care of her when the stress got to her and that didn't hurt either. I still wasn't sure of you but it's been nearly four years and Joanie doesn't hold much back from me. I know every time you've messed up but I also know the times you've come through. Everyone messes up but you've never been mean to her and well, I guess I'm saying that I'm sold."

I didn't even know what to say to that. I think it might have meant more to me than Mr. Cohen's blessing. There were things Mr. Cohen most certainly didn't know but Aaron did and yet he seemed to feel good about us getting married.

"So what does that mean?" I asked.

"It means it would be an honor for me to stand with you and Joanie."

I can't even tell you what that kind of approval meant to me. I couldn't wait to tell Joanie. I knew it would make her very happy.

* * *

><p><strong>Okey-dokey folks...now before you jump on me because of Aaron being a groomsman and not one of the riders, they aren't having the royal wedding here and there weren't going to be that many attendants so choosing one over another was too hard and I figure it's common enough to fill out your attendants with the family of your intended. My best friend was a bridesmaid but my sister in law (hubby's sis) was my matron of honor so there was a reason for this choice...besides it made for a sweet phone call.<strong>

**Now as for Jewish weddings, they are very involved even for the Reform Jews which you would think would be more lax and they are...If I had to write an orthodox wedding we'd be here for weeks just getting them hitched. Ketubah's are very important and they are in fact framed and often are regarded as the first piece of art a married couple has for their new home together. More will be explained about things like that but basically there are no vows in a traditional Jewish wedding. The groom signs the ketubah before the ceremony and then the Rabbi reads it aloud and that is the extent of vows and it is also true that it is only teh groom that has to sign (well aside from witnesses) the bride does not...Lots of things I will try to explain as we go. Oh yeah yihud...I'll get to that but the reason she asked if he wanted anything specific is that one of the purposes yihud serves is to allow the couple to break their fast. It is common to fast the day of the wedding and that allows them to break it so the couple often are allowed special foods that they like.**

**Oh yeah and I sort of apoologize for the baseball metaphor from hell...I don't know where that came from but Joanie told me that's what she said so what am I going to do?-J**


	50. Chapter 50

The wedding neared and I didn't think it would scare me like it did. I mean I had been a little unnerved at first when I realized where this whole thing with Joanie was going but I'm pretty sure I knew within the first month with her that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with that woman. If it hadn't been for her want of a career, we'd have been married that first summer with Kid and Lou and the rest. It really puzzled me why I was so scared as it got closer. I knew what I had to do for the ceremony and I had the ring and everything. There was nothing to fear and I knew that but I was just edgy anyway. I puzzled about it a good while and thought hard about what to do. It's not like I didn't have plenty of men around me who could help me out but of course I didn't want to talk to a man about being scared. I know now that those were my friends who loved me and wouldn't have thought nothing of it but still I couldn't bring myself to talk to any of them so I went to the one person I felt I could trust.

I stood on the porch nervy as a kid knocking on the door of his first date. I was shifting from foot to foot and when she answered the door she probably thought I needed to use the bathroom.

"Jimmy," she said looking surprised and I suppose she was, "What brings you here?"

"I needed to talk to you, Emma," I said and gestured to the porch swing. She came out of the house and sat down.

"What's troubling you?" she asked and put an arm around my shoulders. It was those little tender things she did that made her the one person I felt I could trust with this.

"I'm afraid," I replied, "I don't know why. I've never been more sure a thing was right in my life and still I'm scared half to death. What's wrong with me?"

"Not a single thing that's not wrong with every one of us," she told me pulling me into her and rocking the swing like she was soothing a child. "Change is scary even when it's good change. If you look in your heart and know you love this woman and know you want to be with her then you'll be fine and I think you'll find once you get that ring on her finger that your fear will just melt away."

"Were you scared when you first got married?"

"Sweetheart, I was terrified. Things were different then and there was the wedding night to be concerned about too," she reminded me, "But I think I was scared of being a wife and maybe that I wouldn't be able to live up to my responsibilities and the future is a scary thing but I remember when it was my turn to say I do, I looked into Evan's eyes and knew I did. Things didn't work out so well for us but he wasn't a bad man, really."

"Did you ever doubt marrying Sam?"

"When he proposed I said yes almost before he got the words out," she told me, "And then that night after he'd gone and I was alone I looked at the ring on my hand and wondered what on earth I had just done. Change is scary for everyone. But it was the right thing to do. I love him and he loves me and when you're in that situation there's nothing else to do but get married and love each other together."

The woman made a lot of sense but I still felt nervous. I know now how typical that is and it goes away but I was really upset by it because I knew it didn't mean that I was unsure about marrying Joanie. I'd never been so sure about anything in my life.

Well, the wedding just kept getting closer. Kid and Lou and the youngsters all came and that was nice to have them around. Kid came up to me one day during that week before the wedding and he looked sort of embarrassed and I could tell whatever he had to say wasn't his idea to come talk to me about.

"You know, Jimmy," he said, "It's customary to have a party before the wedding, you know, just us guys."

"Kid, I really don't need a bachelor party," I told him, "You guys don't have to do nothing."

"Well we want to send you off right," he replied, "I had some ideas about it but then, you know Billy and how he grabs a hold of something like that."

"Billy's planning it?" I asked, "I think I'd rather pass."

"Now he promised not to go overboard," Kid said and I knew that he must know it was already too late for that. I could hear it in his voice. But he wanted me to do this with them.

"Alright," I agreed, "When are we doing this?"

"Saturday the night before the wedding," he said.

"Nope," I told him, "It's got to be before then. I have to fast starting sundown the night before the wedding. Somehow I have a feeling this party involves eating and drinking, or at least drinking."

"I'll tell him he'd better make it Friday night."

So Friday night came around and we all went over to Billy's and by 'we all' I mean the whole gang. Ike and Buck and Billy and Kid were there and then Noah, Aaron and Dan came too. None of the other guys knew that Aaron was gay and I wasn't about to tell them. He had gotten really good through the years of pretending to be straight and he said he wanted to come even though I told him it probably wasn't going to be his scene. If I had only known what he had planned that weekend, well, this was a momentous weekend for both of us as it turned out.

So I got to Billy's and he handed me a Stroh's and there was this huge cake in the corner of the room. I don't know why I didn't figure it out sooner but I didn't. Once everyone was there and we were all starting to get a little happy from tossing back a few, Billy turned on a record and sat me down on his couch facing the big old cake and out popped this woman. She was wearing like one of those little tight leotard things. I don't even know what they're called but they're tight and I guess by today's standards they cover a whole lot but those days it seemed a woman wearing one of those was near to naked. She finished climbing out of her cake and I could hear a couple of the other guys hooting and hollering at her. One of them was Billy. I knew Kid was probably blushing like crazy and I don't think I was doing much better especially since it was me she was headed for. Now I'd been with other women and I'd seen women naked and all but to be on display while this one pranced around me flaunting her boobs in my face, well, it was uncomfortable to say the least. She kept trying to put my hands on her but I kept letting them drop. Marriage makes it official that you won't touch another woman like that but I sort of thought it was implied that when you'd been together as long as we had and had gotten engaged that you didn't do anything like that either. I will say she was good at what she did and if I'd had a few more beers in me I might have made a good number of mistakes. She was a turn on, that was for sure but then I was sort of embarrassed to be the center of attention like that and I was getting more and more furious with Bill by the second. Finally the song stopped and she was done. She went into his bathroom to get decent clothes on and left. I didn't want to embarrass her or I would have done this sooner but once she was gone I was off that couch and I almost made it to Billy before Kid and Noah grabbed me. I don't know if I was about to punch him or just strangle the life out of him but Kid and Noah probably saved his life that night. Ike, Buck and Noah tried calming me down while Kid went to talk to the idiot.

"You know he thought he was doing you a favor," Buck said and it didn't help me calm down any that Buck was trying not to laugh at the whole thing. I will say now that in hindsight it was kind of funny and even a little sweet that he went to all that trouble for me but at the time I think I might have tried to take a swing at Buck. Aaron was the one who pulled me away because everyone else was laughing by then.

"You need to cut your friend some slack, James," he said to me, "It's not his fault you're feeling like you are."

"What do you mean it's not his fault?" I asked wondering what party Aaron had just been at. "He arranged the whole thing."

"Come with me a minute," Aaron said leading me out of the apartment, down the stairs and into the outside air. "You're nervous."

"Now why would I be nervous?"

"I have a feeling that's exactly what you've been asking yourself," he said, "It's normal and I know people have told you that and it hasn't helped at all. I don't know for sure but I suspect that not much is going to help but getting to yihud on Sunday. It'll be all over then and you'll be alright then I suspect. Nerves are one thing and you thought you were coping fine enough with those but then what's-her-name there got you a little excited and you think you did something wrong and you wonder if your nerves are telling you something."

"She didn't—"

"Not that I was checking you out or anything but at least one part of your anatomy was very interested in her," he said, "I'm not mad and I'm not going to go running off to Joanie and tell her. She's a girl and she probably wouldn't understand entirely. If I'm asked anything I'd spend my time pointing out that when she tried to make you touch her, you let your hands drop every time."

"Damn," I said, "I have to tell her. We don't keep secrets."

"Talk to me before you do," he said, "There are ways you can say this that will be fine and ways that will make her furious and don't tell her until after the wedding. A good while after the wedding to be more specific."

"My nerves aren't telling me anything, are they?"

"I doubt they're telling you anything except that you fear change like every other person does," he said and then got real serious. "You feel nerves but when you think of Joanie or the wedding or being married do you feel doubt at all?"

"No," I said, "I can honestly say I don't."

"Then let's go inside," he said, "I have a feeling Billy won't try anything like that again tonight."

We headed inside and got almost to Billy's door and I stopped Aaron.

"You know I appreciate what a friend you are to Joanie, right?" He nodded. "And I've come to think of you as a friend too. I don't care who you want to date for the most part but could you either stop noticing my crotch or keep it to yourself when you do?"

"Actually I only glanced there to confirm what I thought," he said, "I know you're not like me and that's that. I noticed your pulse quicken—I could see it in the veins in your neck and your face was getting flushed. I know what a man looks like when he's aroused. I looked at your lap to confirm is all. I have no designs on you and no wild fantasies about you either."

He paused for a moment and then stuck out his hand, "Are we cool?"

"Yeah," I said shaking his hand, "We're cool."

The rest of the party was just us guys being guys. It was times like we rarely got anymore. With Kid so far away and Ike and Buck married and fathers—and Ike had two by then. Little Karen had been born late in the winter. Buck and Carol seemed frosty and I had no idea what that was about. Carol had her moods and so did Buck so you just never knew with those two. Ike worked a good deal and then he spent a lot of time learning sign so he could help Timmy and also help Annie with it. They signed everything they said even to Karen so that as she learned to talk she'd learn sign too so she could communicate with her brother. It was great to see the family man he'd become though not surprising at all. But it didn't leave a lot of time for the guys to just hang out. I was in school so much and working and with Joanie that I didn't have any more time than the rest of them. We hadn't known Noah that long I guess compared to everyone else but even he didn't have free time. He had one more year of law school and was working for Mr. Cohen and he'd been seeing some girl he was really mysterious about. So spending an evening playing poker and drinking and smoking cigars was exactly what we all needed. And it was fair too. The girls had their hen parties so it seemed us guys should be able to have our time too. And we did. Once things settled for all of us with families and careers and all we'd get together regular for poker night.

I woke up the next morning on Bill Cody's couch and the rest of the guys were laying all around the floor and draped across easy chairs. Even if I didn't have to fast before the wedding I was glad I wasn't going to have to go through it feeling like that.

"Joanie's woken up next to that and still didn't run away?"

I looked up and there was Billy looking very amused with me.

"How the hell do you look so chipper this morning?" I asked him.

"Well, I was in a fraternity at school so this was sort of a normal Friday night for me and then there's my foolproof recipe for hangover relief."

"Hand it over if you have a cure for this," I said getting grouchy with him.

He handed me a pill bottle and a bottle of beer.

"Two aspirin and the hair of the dog what bit you," he said.

I was doubtful but he looked pretty good and he drank easily as much as I had. I washed down a couple aspirin with a swallow of beer. It does work by the way. I remember having to give the same advice to each of my kids when they went to college. They doubted me but I told them I learned it from their Uncle Billy and they could ask him themselves if they wanted. Of course that only starts you feeling better. After that you need lots of water and maybe a Coke. Something about cola syrup is really soothing to the stomach.

"You still sore at me, Jimmy?" Billy asked.

"Nah," I told him, "I know you meant well. She was pretty too. How'd you ever get close to her?"

"You're very funny," he said sounding anything but amused. "Gloria used to work for the Playboy Club and I got to go with my dad and a friend of his who is a member. Gloria kind of took a shine to me and gave me her number. Of course that's why she doesn't work there anymore. The girls aren't supposed to fraternize with the customers. But she's a nice girl and we went out a few times. She does stuff like this to make her tuition payments."

"She was a Playboy Bunny?"

"See, I was looking out for you, Jimmy," he said, "No cheap trollop for my friend."

"You did pretty good, Bill," I told him, "Pretty damned good. Now if I can just figure out how to tell my wife."

"She's not your wife yet, you know."

"No but she will be by the time I tell her."

Billy laughed at that.

* * *

><p><strong>I planned on this chapter being a wedding but then Kid and Cody had to go and throw a bachelor party. Um...there was a Playboy Club in Detroit that opened in 1963 and there was an article about the girls who worked there recently in the Free Press (Freep) and one girl talked about another girl who'd been caught trying to give her number to some customer and got fired. I made her name Gloria as kind of a joke. Gloria Steinem was very outspoken against the Playboy Club. <strong>

**And "the hair of the dog" does work and so does Coca Cola...especially frozen cokes...funny, I'm not even a heavy drinker and I know that...guess having a kid so recently out of college taught me lots...and actually I discovered the coke thing with morning sickness...nothing settles a tummy like a coke slurpee. Truth.**

**Okay for sure the wedding is the next chapter. I know I am dragging it out but I really want everyone to have these happy moments or at least times when teh problems aren't big...there will be much doom (doomydoomdoom) to come in this story and many times the Weasley clock will be at "mortal peril" for some if not all of our dears. We'll need to stockpile things like the image of the guys playing poker and smoking cigars and laughing and talking about old times. Or I will anyway!-J**


	51. Chapter 51

Well, the day finally arrived. It was strange that as much time as I had spent with Joanie I didn't see her all week until the rehearsal. Anyway, there I finally was at the synagogue and in my tux standing in a room with Kid and Aaron. Aaron was pacing like a madman so I went over to talk to him.

"If I didn't know better," I said to him, "I'd think you're the one getting hitched. What's going on?"

He looked at me a minute and then sighed and shook his head a bit.

"I don't know what possessed me to do this and in this day of all the days," he began, "But I just hit a point where I needed to, you know?"

"I don't know," I answered, "You want to fill me in?"

"There's a guy out there sitting with the guests. His name is Gene. He's my, well, he's my date."

I didn't quite know what to say to that.

"We won't make a scene or try to dance together or anything like that," he assured me, "I just know that I'm headed to New York soon to get settled for school and I wanted him to meet the other people who matter to me."

"Like your dad?" I asked.

"If I get the guts to tell him."

"This Gene isn't just a date, is he? He's your boyfriend, right?"

"Yeah," he admitted. I don't know what got into me then. Maybe it was being grateful for something to take my mind off my own nerves and maybe it was just knowing what he meant to my Joanie but I sort of turned into a big brother, not that he needed one at all but he got one all the same.

"He good to you?" I asked him.

Aaron laughed at me, "He's not my first boyfriend, James. But yes, he is very good to me and I try to be good to him too. Now I'm trusting you with my best friend in the world. You'd better keep being amazing to her because she's going to need it."

"I know she will."

It was time right about then for me to go to sign the ketubah. It's sort of a big deal and really a pretty main part of everything. I was led to the room and Kid didn't come because he couldn't be one of the signing witnesses anyway. Well, I was about to be led to the room when Aaron grabbed my arm.

"You're seriously going to begin your wedding with your yarmulke all over the place like that? Let me fix it."

He did and I realized sometimes maybe it's kind of cool to have a gay friend who notices when your yarmulke is off center. Then Aaron and I walked to the room where the Rabbi and Saul Berger, the other partner at the firm were already waiting for us along with Mr. Cohen and Uncle Eli. Uncle Eli and Mr. Cohen were there to represent the goodwill of the families but Saul had to be a witness to the signing. See the signing of the ketubah needs to be witnessed by two people and nowadays I guess it can be anyone, male or female and they don't have to be Jewish either but at that time even the Reform Jews were pretty conservative and the witnesses had to both me men and Jewish and not related to each other or to me or Joanie. If not for that last part, Uncle Eli would have been witnessing along with Aaron but instead it was Saul. Saul was a good guy even though I didn't know him as well as Uncle Eli; he had always been kind to me.

I sat at the table for a few minutes collecting myself and thinking of the enormity of what I was about to do. Then I took up the pen and signed. It was strange to have made that kind of leap without Al or one of the guys at my side but then it really is something a man has to do on his own.

Once I signed the ketubah, Saul took it and went to make sure it was under the chuppah which is what they call the canopy. I was led to the bridal chamber. That part surprised me when I heard it the first time. I always thought a man was never to see his bride on the wedding day until she was heading down the aisle to him but then there's this whole tradition about this part. See a bride is wearing a veil when she comes down the aisle and you don't lift it until after you're pronounced man and wife. Well in the Torah and I guess that's in the Old Testament for the gentile folks, there was this man named Jacob. He wanted to marry a woman named Rachel. She was young a beautiful and he loved her. Well her father consented and they were married but then when he lifted the veil he found that it was really Leah, Rachel's blind older sister. He wasn't any too happy but he was kind of stuck with it because the only chance he had to eventually marry Rachel was to stay married to Leah. So in a ceremony today the groom gets to go to the room where the bride has been getting ready and he puts the veil over her face after making sure that she's the right bride.

I walked in and I don't think I was quite prepared for seeing her. Her parents and Judy and Sherry were around her and when I walked in they parted so I could look at her. The dress was simple and just off of her shoulders. She had no jewelry on; not even her star but I couldn't take my eyes off of her. She looked nervous and excited and happy and even a little scared and I wanted to wrap her in my arms and kiss the daylights out of her but that was neither the time nor the place. Instead I reached over and placed the veil over her face. That was my Joanie alright and I knew it would be, Mr. Cohen wouldn't try to pull a fast one on me, besides it was the older daughter I wanted.

I was led back out of the chamber and toward the aisle. The Rabbi was up front at the chuppah already Aaron went down the aisle first and as I watched him I felt two people come up to me. It's traditional for the groom to be led to the chuppah by his parents. Mine were dead and probably wouldn't have been there anyway. I looked to one side and Al stood there yarmulke on head and I think I saw a tear standing in his eyes. To the other side stood Emma and she'd been crying and would cry more. When I first heard how grooms normally make their way to the chuppah, I figured I'd be going it alone. I can't be the first orphan ever to get married and not have anyone to lead him to chuppah. But Joanie pointed out once again that I did have parents. I had been nervous about asking them but Al had just shook my hand and told me he'd be proud to. Emma was a more emotional affair. I had gone to her months before the wedding. It was a Sunday dinner and I caught her in the kitchen.

"Emma," I said and she looked up at me from whatever she was doing. "I need to ask you something and it's kind of important."

"Jimmy you know you can ask me near to anything."

"It's just that the wedding's coming, you know," I said.

"I know," she said and I think she was trying to keep her patience, "I'll be heading to your Joanie's bridal shower in a couple weeks."

"See there's this tradition thing," I went on, "The groom is led to the chuppah, the canopy, by his parents. I could walk there myself, I guess but, well…"

I don't know why I couldn't find the words but Emma did.

"You want me to lead you?" she asked.

"You're well, you know," I said and my powers of communication really astound me sometimes. "Will you do this for me, Mom?"

I didn't call her 'mom' very often but right then it seemed right. She burst into tears and rushed to hug me and told me she'd be so proud to lead me down the aisle.

So there I was on my wedding day with the best parents I ever could have hoped for. Once Aaron was at the front, Kid began walking. I was getting more nervous as the time passed but Aaron was right, as long as I was sure, then I would just have to push my nerves out of my mind. Finally it was my turn and I was so nervous at that point that I wasn't sure my legs would carry me down the aisle. I think that's why your parents lead you down the aisle because otherwise you'd fall halfway there just out of nerves.

I made it there and Al and Emma left me to take their seats. Then the music changed and I looked down the aisle to see Sherry heading our way. She looked so pretty. I hadn't seen her done up that often and she really was a pretty girl. Her sandy colored hair was pulled back into some twisty thing. Yeah, I guess if you had Joanie or Judy telling this story you'd get to know what it was called but you don't so some twisty thing is all I can tell you. Her makeup was all done and she wore makeup nearly every day but not like this. She was quite the head turner when she put her mind to it. She got up to the chuppah and smiled at me then we looked back down the aisle and I saw little Judy heading toward us. Only little Judy wasn't so little anymore. She'd never be a big girl as far as size but this was the first time I saw her as a woman. She was seventeen then and she looked so grown up. I had a hard time believing this was the same thirteen year old kid who was such a pest to her sister when we first started dating. She was dazzling and I started scanning the room to make sure Billy wasn't getting any ideas. I liked Billy but he was too old for her and too, well he was just too Billy. I found him and he wasn't looking at Judy, he was staring at Sherry. I thought to myself how interesting that could be. Next down the aisle was little Lisa. She was all of three years old and she was toddling down in a little white dress carrying a basket of flowers. Good Lord was that child precious. She had those perfect chubby little cheeks that kids that age have and she still had her dad's dark hair and her mom's bright blue eyes. Her hair was all in little curls and she was just smiling really big. Buck was a lucky man to even think that he had helped to create something that lovely.

Finally the music changed once more and everyone stood and there I saw Mr. and Mrs. Cohen headed toward me leading my beautiful veiled bride toward me. They stopped a distance from the chuppah and took their seats. Joanie had to take three steps toward me on her own to show her willingness to marry. I wished that I could see her face but through that veil I was actually worried for her taking those steps on her own. It was a decently thick veil. She took her steps and I went out to escort her the rest of the way under the chuppah. There it was, we were about to be married.

The first part is called the kiddushin and that started with the hakafot. That's when the bride circles around the groom seven times. There's a lot of people with a lot of different theories about what that means and they range anywhere from it simply representing creation which is sort of how I thought of it that day. It took seven days for creation and at a wedding you are creating a life and for yourselves anyway, a new world. But some think it is a way to ward off evil, I wish I could hold that one but I've seen far too much to think it was all that effective. There's other theories too but I like the creation one. I remember being captivated by her as she walked around me. I know some people think it's sexist for the bride to circle and not the groom but I always thought it was just an understanding that the woman is the strength of the home. Man may traditionally go out and work and now I guess duties are more shared but still I think the mood of a home and the way a family is built is still largely the woman's doing. Besides, it is woman who is allowed to help in the creation of new life so why would she not be the one to symbolically create the new family unit? Just always made sense to me but like I said there's as many opinions on the subject as there are people. Next there was the drinking of the wine. The Rabbi said some blessings over this beautiful silver cup that Joanie had picked out. I think she would have liked my input but I really didn't know anything about then so she did it and she had amazing taste. Then the two of us drank from that cup. That represents that we would share from the same cup of life. Then the Rabbi said some blessings which I understood but I'm sure the rest of the gang was just clueless on. But things like that are pretty to hear even if you don't know what the words mean. Anyway the next thing for me to do was to get the ring out of my pocket. I put in on the index finger of her right hand and said, "You are now consecrated to me with this ring according to the laws of Moses and Israel." Again, I know Al and the boys didn't know exactly what I said but that's okay. It's not real different from what's said at a gentile wedding. After that the Rabbi read the ketubah in Aramaic and then in English. I guess some services they might read the translation in Modern Hebrew or something but we figured English was the way to go. It was pretty emotional. After that there's a lot of blessings and chanting and even I got lost in it all. Sometimes it was the Rabbi or the Cantor and sometimes it was family or family friends getting called up to read. Finally the Rabbi pronounced us man and wife and a glass was wrapped in a cloth and put on the floor. I stomped on it and everyone yelled, "Mazel Tov!" That's another thing that has about as many meanings as there are people in the world. It's supposed to at least partly remind us of our sorrow at the destruction of the temple in Jerusalem but also is kind of a break from whatever came before. We are no longer children and that means a formal break from our parents and whatever other entanglements came before. Also I guess it's supposed to have some sort of sexual symbolism too and that makes it extra important to get that glass broken. We went back up the aisle and off to a room down the hall. It was just a classroom but it was all set up for yihud. All that means is the time the bride and groom get to spend alone. See, a wedding is a very public affair but marriage is a very private one. So the bride and groom get some time alone. At least ten minutes but I think we took a half hour. One of the things you get to do there is eat something. See we'd been fasting and had nothing really but wine so we were bordering on giggly by the time we got in the room.

There was the traditional thick chicken broth to represent the richness of the life we should lead but then there were some nice hors d'oeuvres for us as well. We ate a little bit and then just looked at each other. I was grinning like a fool and whatever nerves I might have had before were forgotten with the knowledge that I was looking at my wife. I had kissed her under the chuppah but that was a proper and for an audience kind of kiss. Right then I leaned down and kissed her deep.

"You have no idea how beautiful you are, do you?"

Her eyes were moist and she just smiled at me. Then she took the ring off her index finger and moved it to her left hand and then went to a little purse type thing on one of the tables. She pulled out her engagement ring and put that on. She hadn't been able to wear any jewelry for the ceremony but that was over and she could adorn herself however she wanted.

"My love," she said and I was sort of taken aback because she rarely used such terms of endearment, "Would you do me a huge favor and see about getting my kippah and veil off. I think you can reach and see better than I can feel for all those stupid bobby pins."

I went behind her and easily found all the bobby pins and got her out of her kippah, which is what we call the skullcaps. They are also called yarmulkes but when women wear them and often brides do, I always hear the word kippah. I got that off of her and she sighed. I saw her struggling to fasten the chain for her star around her neck so I took it from her and did the clasp and then kissed her neck lightly.

"There," I said, "I think you're all beautiful now, as if you weren't before."

"I have something for you," she said and reached into that little purse thing again and pulled out a ring. She took my left hand and slid the ring onto my finger. "Ani l'dodi v'dodi li. I am my beloved's and my beloved is mine."

I could feel the tears spring to my eyes and I kissed her again. I knew I would have a ring eventually. Joanie said that if I got to mark my turf that she did too but I had no idea it was coming then or that way.

Joanie looked at me with those big brown eyes and smiled, "We're married now. We're really married now."

"Yes we are Mrs. Hickok," I said offering her my arm, "Shall we go celebrate?"

She took one more disbelieving look at her left hand with the full wedding set and smiled up at me.

"Lead on dear husband."

* * *

><p><strong>I think I did alright explaining everything. I hope so...if there's anything you didn't understand please ask...I've been a researching fool lately. Really it's been crazy. Um a couple of things...the bride wears no jewelry so that they come to the union as equals and the best man does not hold the ring because it has to be his possession that he gives her. And what she said to him when she gave him the ring is a quote from the song of songs and is now used in double ring ceremonies. Most orthodox Rabbis don't do double ring ceremonies even now but Reform do...at that time though they probably did not and especially in Detroit. It's a big city but we are towrd the middle of the country so modern trends that start at the coasts take a while to get to MI. I really love the line so I thought it was good for her to say it.<strong>

**Before anyone calls me on the lack of a receiving line...I'm not skipping something, there typically isn't one for Jews because of yihud. I wish we'd had a yihud...sounds delightful.**

**So they are married...can I get a Mazel Tov?-J**


	52. Chapter 52

I drove us to the reception in Joanie's car. I know these days everyone gets a limo and that sort of thing but that really wasn't done as much then. Maybe in cities where few people drove like New York or something because otherwise you'd be taking the subway or trying to flag a cab. But in Detroit, for the most part, we drove ourselves. It was a little drive out to the country club where we were having the reception and we couldn't have asked for a nicer day. It was June and warm and sunny without being too terribly hot. My left hand was at the top of the wheel and my right was holding Joanie's hand. I think I nearly drove off the road at one point from looking at that gold band on my finger. We didn't talk a lot but we didn't need to. We were just together and happy. I had half a mind to not even go to the reception but then we sort of had to. People were expecting us and it was actually part of our responsibility to entertain the people as much as it was theirs to enjoy themselves. So we went.

"Do you feel different?" I asked Joanie when we were about half the way there.

"Sort of but then not really," she said, "Does that make any sense?"

"All sorts of it," I told her, "I feel like we finally got to tell the world about something we knew for years. I made that commitment to you a long time ago, you know. I might not have said it but I swore it to God all the same."

"I think I knew that," she said, "Or something like it because if you hadn't, well, there's any number of times you probably should have left me. I often figured obligation was the reason you put up with everything."

I pulled the car off to the side of the road. There was no way we were going in to celebrate our new life together with words like that.

"I love you," I said, "That's the reason I was always there. I wouldn't know where else to be. No one ever believed in me quite the way you did and you challenged me too. I didn't know I wanted that but I guess I did. I think Lou referred to all my old girlfriends one time as bimbos. They were too. I didn't think I deserved a woman with depth or intelligence or class. I never really felt much for them which is a sad thing to admit but it's true. I don't think I understood what it was to love someone until I met you. If you had been one of those bimbos I probably would have dumped you the first time things got hard or scary. I couldn't do that with you because I loved you and when I looked at my future, you were there and if I tried to imagine me without you I couldn't. I wasn't there either."

She was starting to cry and I was too a little. Weddings are very emotional and sometimes that kind of emotion allows us to say things we probably ought to have said before.

"James, I just wish I was coming to you with less of a past and with less wrong with me."

"First of all," I began, "I have a past too, you know. Just because I didn't feel anything for those other girls didn't mean I didn't do things with them. You're the one always complaining about the double standard for women and then you're holding yourself to it. Besides, when I broke the cup, isn't that supposed to be a break from anyone who came before as well?" She nodded. "And there's not a damned thing wrong with you. Not a damned thing."

"I really do love you, James. You are the most wonderful man I've ever known," she said and then turned the rear view to see herself. "Oh, I look just frightful. So much for the blushing bride."

I handed her my handkerchief so she could get the mascara off her cheeks. They didn't have waterproof back then. She then declared herself presentable enough to go on. I know she went off after we were announced and had Judy and Sherry touch up her makeup but at least she walked in not looking like she'd been crying.

We got to the country club and walked in to a big announcement and my friends mobbing me with hugs and handshakes. They say that on their wedding day the bride and groom are like a king and queen and right then I surely felt like a king. Kid kept an arm around my shoulders.

"How does it feel to be one of us married guys now?" he asked.

"Pretty damned good, Kid," I told him, "It's been a long time coming, I'll tell you that."

"Yeah," Billy said, "I was beginning to wonder if that lovely creature was just stringing you along until she found someone better. Don't know how you managed to get a girl like that down the aisle."

"I don't either, Billy," I said honestly.

Ike pulled me aside not wanting to compete with everyone's hollering.

"She is a great girl," he said, "I'm real happy for both of you. You know she couldn't get a better guy either, right?"

"Thanks Ike," I said. I wasn't sure he was right but I knew no one could love her more and that turned out to be the most important thing of all.

Buck shook my hand but his smile looked forced. I walked a bit with him.

"What's wrong?" I asked.

"Nothing's wrong," he said kind of defensively and yeah I'd heard that tone about a thousand times from the kids I worked with and I wasn't even doing the social work thing full time.

"How stupid do you think I am, Buck?"

"Really I don't want to bring my problems to your big day, not after the way you and Joanie worked to make our wedding so nice on such short notice."

"Buck, we're friends," I told him, "And I can't think of too many things that could put a damper on my day. Did you see that beautiful woman that I just got hitched to?"

He smiled a little more genuine at that.

"Carol's expecting," he told me.

"And you look that down?" I asked really wondering what the problem was. "Lisa's a little angel. I don't see how you could be upset about having another one."

"Carol's been upset about it," he said, "She's convinced that there will be something wrong with this one, like a punishment for Lisa being okay when she got the measles. You know, because Timmy, well, you know."

"I thought she was being a little moody lately," I said, "Makes sense now. I'm sure everything will be just fine."

He gave me a look that said I didn't know all what I was talking about. Turns out I didn't at that but I would in time.

Well, I found Joanie once again. She was mobbed by Sherry and the other girls. Even Carol was looking really happy for her. Before I could get all the way to her, Bill Cody grabbed a hold of me.

"You've got to tell me who that bridesmaid is," he said.

"You'd better be talking about Sherry," I warned, "Because if you're using that tone of voice about Judy I'll have to sock you one."

"Jimmy, I remember that girl when the two of you first started going out," he assured me, "There's no way I'd go after little Judy. Though I think there's going to be a lot of guys looking at her with less than pure thoughts."

"There have been," I told him.

"Well, it'll get worse from the young men seeing her in that dress and all done up like she is. She turned into a woman when you weren't looking."

I nodded, "So you want to know about Sherry, huh?"

"I've never met her before," he said, "She sure is something."

"I'm surprised," I told him, "She's not your usual type."

"She sure is pretty," he said, "That's my type."

"She was Joanie's roommate. Smart girl, just got her degree in biology. She's headed to grad school this fall. She wasn't in school for her MRS."

"Well neither was I," he said taking offense, "You think a smart girl couldn't like me?"

"I wouldn't know," I told him, "I don't think you've ever tried going after one."

"Funny. Sherry, you said?"

"Yeah, Sherry Wingate," I confirmed, "Good luck."

He walked away and I could see him heading toward Sherry. I headed the rest of the way to Joanie and paused to watch the interaction. I saw the eye roll she gave him and I laughed out loud. Joanie saw where I was looking and shot me a mean look.

"You did not just sick Bill Cody on my dear friend," she said half angrily.

"I only told him her name," I tried to defend myself; "I told him she probably wasn't his type."

"Oh, now you're going to say she's not good enough for him?"

"Actually he's not good enough for her," I said, "He usually doesn't date anyone that smart."

Joanie laughed at that, "I should have known you'd never impugn Sherry's character. What's up with Buck and Carol?"

"She's pregnant," I said, "But don't say anything. It's complicated and I'm not even sure I'm supposed to know just yet."

"I won't say a word," she said.

Well, receptions are all very much alike. We ate and we danced. We had a band that I didn't have any part of choosing but then I guess I didn't know near enough about that kind of music to be able to have voiced an opinion. We had to have a band that could play a decent Horrah. I don't know the first thing about Jewish folk music. Thankfully Joanie knew a bit about it. And I will say they did a decent, if very odd sounding cover of "In the Still of the Night". We really wanted to dance our first dance to that. I know Joanie got a strange look when she told the guys in the band but they learned it well enough.

I think dancing to that with her that day was even better than when we danced to it at her prom. She just glowed in my arms as she looked up at me.

"This song will never sound the same to me again," I told her smiling.

"I know," she said starting to laugh, "Who knew all this time that it was just missing a violin and an accordion."

"I think The Five Satins really missed something when they recorded it."

That got us to giggling and we both were teary eyed from the laughing by the time the song ended. I'm pretty sure I was holding her up at that point because she was laughing so hard.

The rest of the party was just that, a wonderful party. People danced and ate and danced more. At one point Sherry came to dance with me.

"Is your friend William for real?"

"William?" I asked, "Oh you mean Billy?"

She laughed.

"I should have known. He came up like he was being all gallant or something and actually bowed to me then gave me this line, 'You look like a lady in need of a dance partner, William F. Cody at your service.' Again I ask, is he for real?"

"I'm afraid he is," I said, "You've really caught his eye and it's not surprising. You look stunning today, Sherry."

"Thank you," she said blushing, "You know, if Billy weren't so full of himself I might take him up on that dance. He's almost good looking when he's not busy shoving his foot in his mouth."

"You know, I've been trying to get him to understand that feet in mouths don't attract the ladies for years. But then I shoved my size elevens right in there the first day I met that one and she let me live."

"She told me about that," Sherry said, "It was a good choice. Are you trying to tell me to give the blowhard another chance?"

"You might have to give him more than one and it still might not do you any good but consider it a favor to me to not write him off just yet."

She laughed, "Alright, for you I will. Consider it a wedding present."

I hugged her, "Thanks."

I found Billy a short while later and wandered over to talk to him.

"All these dressed up ladies and you're not dancing?"

"She shot me down," he said bewildered, "Rolled her eyes, laughed and said 'no'. I can't believe it."

"I told you she's not like the other girls you've dated. I don't think you were listening to me."

"I've been turned down before," he said, "I know it's hard to believe but I have. It's never bothered me before though."

"Ask her again," I said, "And drop the act. She's got three or four brothers so she knows them all."

"It's not an act," he said and I raised an eyebrow at him. "Jimmy, I've never not used the act."

"And how has that worked for you?" I asked.

"Pretty well if I do say so myself," he said puffing up his chest.

"So it got you laid," I said, "Something tells me that's not enough for you anymore."

"What else is there?"

"There's plenty out there besides that," I told him.

"I don't think I'm cut out for settling down like you," he said, "Hell, I didn't think you were. I guess this is the end of Wild Bill."

"There never was a Wild Bill except in your imagination, Billy," I said, "I'm not talking about marrying her. I'm just saying that maybe you don't just want the loose girls with the big boobs anymore."

"Like hell I don't," he protested, "Have you seen the rack on that girl?"

Now I wasn't going to mention it but Sherry wasn't all that big-chested. I think he was just finding reasons to still look like the same old Billy. I just looked at him skeptically.

"So if that's not what I want then what do I want?" he asked.

"Sherry," I said simply, "Go ask her to dance again. And try to be yourself."

Billy walked away toward Sherry.

"What was that all about?" Kid asked.

"Billy's got it bad for the bridesmaid," I answered.

"Sherry does look pretty today," he said.

"So does your wife."

"My wife looks beautiful every day," he said, "You should know that."

"I think Emma and Sam are entertaining your kids. Maybe you could get in a dance with that woman of yours. It'd be a shame if she got all gussied up for nothing."

He smiled and went off seeking his wife. About then I got a tap on my shoulder and I turned to see Aaron standing there with another man I didn't know.

"James," Aaron said and he looked real nervous. "I'd like you to meet Gene. He's my, um, boyfriend."

The man looked at me and smiled and I have to say I liked his smile. It was warm and genuine. He put his hand out to me.

"Mazel Tov," he said, "It was a lovely wedding."

"Thank you and it's nice to meet you, Gene," I said shaking his hand, "I'd like to say I've heard a lot about you but I didn't know you existed until today."

I think Aaron was about to say something more but then Uncle Eli walked up.

"Aaron, aren't you going to introduce me to this young man?" he asked, "I've been patient but I would like to know the man who has my son's heart."

"Dad? You mean you knew?"

"My son, you haven't ever brought a girl home to meet us," Uncle Eli said, "You've never mentioned a girl. I had to suspect something after a while. It couldn't be this long without a lady friend only because you were wrapped up in your studies. Then you come to Joanie's wedding with a male friend. If I did not know before, I know now."

Aaron looked uncomfortable so Uncle Eli spoke again.

"It looks as though I must start the introductions," he said extending a hand to Gene, "Eli Shapiro, I am Aaron's father."

Gene shook the man's hand, "Gene Lonstein, and I'm, um, well."

"I know who what you are to my son," Eli's voice was gentle as he spoke. I never had this situation to deal with but I always thought that if my children ever told me something that was that shocking to me that I would handle it with the same grace Uncle Eli did. "Please come and sit with Naomi and me for a while."

Gene and Eli walked away and Aaron stood next to me for a few extra moments.

"He knew," Aaron said with wonder.

"He's a smart man," I told him, "You shouldn't underestimate him."

I got pulled back out to dance more and eventually found myself dancing with Judy.

"Hey short stuff," I said, "You look beautiful today, you know?"

"I don't think everyone thinks so," she said scowling.

"What's going on?" I asked, "Do I have to beat someone up for you? I can you know. It's one of the benefits of having a big brother."

"No I don't need anyone beat up," she said looking like she might cry.

"Okay, someone is making you cry," I said, "The rules of big brotherhood state that I don't need your request for beating someone up if they hurt you. I can just beat him up anyway. Who is it?"

"Please don't," she said, "It's Dan."

"Dan?" I asked, "Dan hurt you and made you cry? What the hell?"

"He drove me home from the rehearsal dinner and before I got out he kissed me," she said and right about then I got mad. What was he doing kissing little Judy. Of course Judy wasn't so little anymore and Dan was only twenty. Three years difference is hardly scandalous but I got mad all the same.

"I'm going to kill him," I growled and started scanning the crowd for him.

"Jimmy," she pleaded, "You don't understand. I'm not upset he kissed me. I sort of wanted him to."

"You wanted him to?" I asked, "What is going on? He's, well, he's, he's."

"I know," she said, "But you know Daddy and Uncle Eli would be alright with it. They wanted for Aaron and Joanie to get together."

"But he's older than you," I said.

"You're older than Joanie by a year. He's just three older than me."

I shook my head trying to get this through and sitting right. I still sort of wanted to kick the snot out of him for kissing her.

"So if you're not upset he kissed you then what is upsetting you?" I asked.

"He hasn't spoken to me since. The whole party so far and he hasn't danced with me once," she said.

I kissed the top of her head and rubbed her back a little.

"Let me talk to him," I said, "I promise I won't hurt him. He might be unsure of himself."

"He didn't seem unsure."

"Well, I speak from some experience when I tell you men often get real good at seeming sure of ourselves especially when we're kissing a girl. It's an act but one we get good at."

The song ended and I handed Judy off to Al knowing he'd take good care of her and went off to find Dan.

"Can I talk to you?" I asked when I found him.

"Sure Jimmy," he said, "What's going on?"

"I just talked to my new sister-in-law and I think I'd like to beat you to a pulp now but I promised her I wouldn't."

"So you know," he said looking at his feet.

"I know you kissed her and since then you've been doing a good job of avoiding her."

"I shouldn't have kissed her. I know that," he admitted.

"Because you don't like her?"

"Because I do," he said.

"That's about the stupidest thing I have ever heard in my life," I said, "She's near to tears because she thinks you don't like her and you don't think she's pretty. I don't know what you do or don't feel for her and I don't know how things will work for you and her but I suggest you at least go dance with the girl and tell her how pretty she looks in that dress. And if you ever make her cry again you will have to answer to me."

"You're right," he said, "She does look lovely today, more so than normal."

I spent as much time as I could dancing with my bride. We left that night and headed toward a hotel. I wanted her to have a nice wedding night even though we weren't leaving on our honeymoon until the next day. I had decided that we'd head up north and see Mackinac Island and then spend a week at the cabin making love under the stars like we had that first summer together. Joanie had thought it was a romantic idea and I was pretty proud of myself. I was still working then but with her starting law school and I was going to be trying to take a few classes toward my master's so we weren't going to spend a lot on a vacation. We knew someday we'd be able to go nearly anywhere we wanted. Before we left the reception, Uncle Eli pulled me aside.

"I know you'll find our gift when you go through your cards later but that's not the extent of it," he said.

I just stared at him; I was tired and not sure at all what the man was talking about.

"There's this too and it can't wait," he said handing me an envelope. I opened it and there were plane tickets inside to Florida, Miami to be more specific.

"Uncle Eli," I said, "I can't accept this. It's too extravagant."

"Nonsense," he said, "It brings me pleasure to send you two off to a getaway like this. You can go to the cabin or Mackinac Island any time. You'll love the beach, believe me."

I hugged the man. I don't think he was expecting it but I couldn't think of anything else to do.

I kept it a surprise until the next day when I drove her to the airport instead of heading up north.

Anyway first was the hotel and the wedding night. It wasn't the built up thing it was for some people because we'd been together plenty of times before like that but still it felt sort of special to know that we were actually married this time. I think it did for Joanie too. Joanie fell asleep in my arms and I remember thinking of the day and looking at the shine on my left hand that I could just make out in the light coming in the window of the hotel room. Her words would always come back to me and in our deepest sorrow and our most trying of times I would recall the way she had looked so deep into my eyes and said, "I am my beloved's and my beloved is mine."

* * *

><p><strong>So that was a fun party! Lots going on...hehe...someone who doesn't fall for Cody's line...And good old Uncle Eli...he loves his children so much and I just knew he'd never turn away from one for any reason. I love him...oh so much that had to fit in there...and off to Miami...<strong>

**I have to give a special thank you to my helper elf on this chapter...Thank you signefalls! She is responsible for much of the Jimmy-Cody interaction. Thanks girl!-J**


	53. Chapter 53

"These things are safe, right?" I asked Joanie while making sure my seatbelt was fastened nice and tight.

"You've never flown before, have you James?"

"No," I replied, "Before I met you I hadn't ever been outside of Detroit."

"Well, they're perfectly safe," she assured me, "They say that you're safer in a plane than in a car."

"If you get in an accident in a car you don't fall a few thousand feet though."

"It'll be just fine," she said taking my hand. Another woman might've laughed or gotten frustrated with me but it was just like Big Mac all over again. She held my hand and leaned in her seat to rest her head on my shoulder and talked softly about all kinds of stuff and before I knew it we were in the air and it didn't seem so bad. I still was a little jumpy but thankfully it wasn't an incredibly long flight. Still she never let go of my hand and she only stopped her string of soothing words when the flight attendant wandered by and she ordered a whiskey for me and a white wine for herself. She talked about all kinds of things on that flight. She told me about growing up and family vacations and how she felt when Judy was born. She told me about the first time she told her mother about me. She was still furious with me but her mother had told her that her own father had been the same way and to give me another chance. Even as scared as I was I thought I needed to thank Mrs. Cohen. Maybe I should even send her some flowers. Joanie kept talking about when she knew she was in love with me and I was surprised that it was that day that I apologized for being a jerk. That was the day after I met her. Though if I was being honest, I was probably in love with her the day I met her when we were in my car before I turned into a giant heel and I looked over at her with the wind in her hair and how relaxed she was with me.

She talked about someday how we'd have a house and children and even a dog just like I had dreamed of when I was a kid. I was sort of shocked that she remembered but then she was always surprising me. She talked about how we'd have a big yard and our kids could play fetch with the dog and I could grill burgers on weekends. The life she spoke of was really all I could ever dream of. She said we'd have a couple of kids or maybe three or four. I kind of looked at her strange at that. I had no idea how many kids she wanted and maybe should have asked before we got married but then it didn't seem that important right then. Joanie picked up on my surprise.

"We'll talk about how many at some point," she said, "We should probably be in some kind of agreement."

She talked about me coaching Little League and how we'd have to go to ballet and piano recitals. It all sounded beautiful and between the whiskey and her soft, pretty words I was so relaxed I didn't really notice any of the flight. Before I knew it we were on the ground and everyone was unfastening their seat belts and standing up to get off the plane. Joanie always knew what I needed. Sometimes she wasn't equipped to give it to me but she knew all the same.

We left the airport and got a cab to the hotel. Uncle Eli had made reservations and even booked the honeymoon suite for us. We settled in quick and went to discover the beach, not that we had to look far since the hotel was right on the beach. It really was beautiful there and before then I had only ever seen palm trees on TV and in books and stuff like that. Joanie had some robe thing on over her swim suit but once we got to the beach she took it off. I just about grabbed her and carried her back in. I hadn't ever seen her in a bikini before. Bikinis then weren't what they are now and I had seen her in her bra and panties which I guess isn't that different. But it wasn't just how sexy she looked in that bikini that made me want to take her back inside. It was also that she was outside in public in the equivalent of her bra and panties. It was obvious that most of the other men on the beach noticed her and her state of dress as well and I wasn't sure I liked that. I mean sure it's nice when you're the guy on the arm of the girl the other guys are looking at but then she was my wife now, not just some girl I was dating.

"What do you think, James?" she asked and I couldn't even answer her.

"You don't like it," she said sounding disappointed, "I know I'm not some model or anything but I thought you might like this."

She looked down and turned to head inside the hotel and I don't know if she planned on hiding in there or changing into a different swimsuit. I stopped her though.

"Joanie," I said, "I was just stunned is all. I'm being silly and you are about the sexiest thing I've ever seen wearing that. You should stay out here so I can make all these other guys jealous. Wave that left hand around while you're at it so they all know you're mine."

She giggled.

"I should be furious with you for how sexist that sounded but you're too sweet for me to get mad at," she said smiling at me, "How could I resist an invitation like that? I guess I ought to stay out here after all."

"I think so although I may not be able to resist that body and might need to drag you off to the room and to bed at some point."

"As long as you don't think you're going to be alone," she said, "Those girls over there are checking you out."

"Well, I have a ring to flaunt too," I said, "I am unavailable to any woman but you."

She laughed again and we found a nice spot on the beach to just sit and rest. After the wedding the day before and the flight that day we were tired and needed to just relax and be together without anything expected of either of us.

After a while Joanie started talking.

"So, Billy likes Sherry?"

"It seems so," I said, "I know he's normally no one I'd let within a hundred yards of a nice girl like her but she can take care of herself like few girls I know and I just have a hunch that he's not looking for his normal meaningless fling this time. I don't know if he knows it yet or not but I have a feeling."

"She likes him too."

"Did she say something to you?" I asked.

"She made some comment about his eyes and how blue they were and that she couldn't stop staring at them."

"Hmm."

We grew quiet again for a while before she asked for the story behind Carol and Buck's news. I told her all I knew but then said that I thought there might be more to it than what Buck had said.

"She's been really grouchy for a while about the hours he works," Joanie said, "I kept telling her that he was doing his best to take care of them but I understood too. I don't think I'd like it too much if I saw you as little as she sees him. And then when he's home he's so tired that, well, I don't know if I should say anything or not but to hear her talk it's some kind of miracle that she was able to get pregnant with as little as they, you know."

"You mean they don't-"

"Hardly ever from what Carol says," she cut me off, "He's so tired all the time and when they do it's hardly the picture of romance."

I had no idea my friend was having this hard of a time in his marriage but then I know that sometimes when you have to get married it's not the best foot to start on. They never really had a chance to be a married couple before they were parents.

"So what about this woman that Noah's been seeing?" I asked, "Where was she yesterday?"

"I guess she was out of town for some peace march or civil rights march or something," Joanie told me.

"Have you met her?"

Joanie nodded, "She seems nice enough and she's very committed to the cause, well, a lot of causes really."

"She have a name?"

"Rosemary Burke."

That name would come to mean so many things to me and hardly any of them good but at the time I was just happy that Noah had a lady friend.

"What's she like besides committed?" I asked.

"Well, she's white," she said, "I don't know why but that sort of surprised me."

"Yeah," I agreed, "As much as we all yell about everyone's all the same it probably shouldn't surprise us at all but it did me when you just said it."

We talked a bit more about nothing in particular and then I just had to ask.

"How long has your sister had a thing for Dan Shapiro?"

"Judy doesn't have a—wait, are you saying Judy and Dan?"

"I guess when he took her home from the rehearsal dinner he kissed her and she wanted him to."

"And you didn't kill him? What's wrong with you, James?" she was getting pretty worked up by then. "Who does he think he is kissing my baby sister? I mean the fact that she wanted him to is beside the point. She's just a child."

"Joanie, she's seventeen," I said, "And for your information I thought about killing him but your runt of a sister convinced me otherwise. She's not that much younger than you were when we got together and that turned out alright. Dan seems like a nice enough guy."

"But she's my baby sister, James."

"I know," I told her, "But she's not a baby anymore, sweetheart. She's damned near a grown woman and if she wants to kiss Dan Shapiro then I guess we just have to let her kiss Dan Shapiro."

"I know you're right and she could do much worse," Joanie said.

"She sure could," I agreed, "She could get herself caught up with some dropout, juvenile delinquent, street hood who's not even Jewish."

She giggled a little and then got serious. I learned early that when she did that I was in for a lecture of some sort.

"Have you ever seen what a diamond looks like when it first comes out of the ground?" she asked me.

I shook my head.

"It doesn't look anything like this," she said holding up her left hand, "It's dirty and covered with other rock and looks near to worthless to the untrained eye. But once you know what you're looking for you can spot them and once they get cleaned up a little and sort of refined then they are worth a fortune."

"I love being part of your metaphors Joanie but you aren't really saying I'm a diamond, are you?"

"That's exactly what I'm saying," she said and her looked dared me to laugh. I also learned early with her it was best not to take that dare. "You might not have looked like much to the untrained eye but to those who really took the time to know you or even to give you a second glance, you are precious. Ask Emma if you're not precious to her. And you know diamonds are the hardest things out there. They are so pretty that few know that but when they measure how hard something is, diamonds are at the top of the scale. Only a diamond can cut another diamond."

"I'm not that hard," I said.

"I know you're not," she said, "But another person can cut you deeper than knives or anything else. Something of your own kind. I know the metaphor sort of fell apart there but you are precious to me and I always knew you were."

"I still don't know why you need glasses when you have such good eyes to see all that."

She sort of chuckled at me.

"You know what I sort of miss about the old street hood version of you?"

"The leather jacket?" I asked, "I still have it. I can dig it out and wear it if you like it that much."

"It is sexy in a James Dean sort of way but that's not what I'm talking about," she told me, "I miss the hair."

"The greasy pompadour? Really? How can you miss that mess?"

"Not the greasy pompadour really," she explained, "Though that did look nice. I'm talking about when you would take a shower at night and come to bed with it all clean and soft and it was longer. I could run my fingers through it as I fell asleep."

"Maybe I'll just have to grow some of that back for you," I said, "I kind of miss having more there too."

The rest of the week was really laid back like that. We didn't go out a heck of a lot but we managed to find a couple of nice restaurants and made time for some moonlit walks on the beach. I always laugh at those stereotypical personals ads where someone lists long walks on the beach as a hobby or interest or whatever. It's not the walking on the beach that's great, it's the company. I love my friends but I really doubt that walking on the beach with Cody or even Kid is something I would get all excited about and walking by myself would just be depressing but walking with Joanie, well, I would wager to say that walking over hot coals would be tolerable and maybe even enjoyable if I had my beautiful bride at my side.

* * *

><p><strong>Everyone take a deep breath...I know a nice tame chapter there...well, for reasons I keep to myself I need this to not turn into some mature rated detailing of J&amp;J's sex life so there wasn't a lot to tell of the honeymoon. They were in a romantic place with a nice romatic suite and beautiful beaches...what do you think they did all week? Yeah, that's what I thought too and you don't need the details. <strong>

**So yeah, Rosemary is coming in soon and I know what she was in the show but I believe I have mentioned before that Altered Universe = MY Universe so I can do what I want. I have plans for that character and she will be a huge catalyst for things that need to happen. Important things. Things you may not like me for but they have to happen. **

**I also will be introducing another canon character in a different sort of context but again, characters are tools and I think this will fit a need I have very well. So much has to happen in just three or four years time in this piece that I need to start getting all my proverbial ducks in a line.**

**As always I am grateful and humbled that so many take this journey with me. I can see the traffic on the story and I know you are all out there. I love you all and you keep me going. We have a very long way to go and I would dare to say we are not even at the half way mark of our story. This site counts words strangely and also includes my author's notes in my word count but I will tell you that with this chapter I have cleared 161,000 words in this story. And this is why at times in my home it has become known as "The Monster that Ate Detroit." But it is a monster I have come to have a certain loving relationship with and through all of this at least I know how it ends and that is a comfort to me. I sometimes don't get that flash of vision until I am almost there but I know where I am going even if I have other flashes along the way. Stick with me kiddos and fasten your seatbelts because the ride is just getting going. Please keep all hands and feet inside the car until it reaches a complete stop.-J**


	54. Chapter 54

The honeymoon was wonderful but everyone has to return to real life at some point. Real life meant my apartment for a while longer though now it was our apartment. I have to say it really always was ours and never just mine. Joanie went to work for her dad to learn the ropes. Law is like pretty much everything else in that respect. You can do all the book learning in the world but until you get out there in that situation you don't know how to apply that book learning. Being able to work in her dad's office would have her ready to hit the ground running when she finished law school. It was like Noah all over again. He was still working at Berger, Cohen and Shapiro too and would stay on. Those names on the sign were the partners but they weren't the only lawyers in the office. Noah had one more year to go in law school and then he needed to pass the bar. No one worried at all about that. He was real smart and especially so when something really mattered to him like this did.

So Joanie was making a little money. I was working for Al and doing some volunteer work at a community center but about a week after we got back from Miami I had an interview. Seems one of the high schools was needing a guidance counselor. I was barely qualified but I was qualified all the same. I can't even explain how nervous I was. I was just glad I wasn't going into the school itself. I was still afraid I'd break out in hives or something just walking in the building. Joanie of course tried to convince me I had the job in the bag but then that's what a good wife, or husband for that matter, does for you. They are there to believe in you when you're having a hard time believing in yourself. Her sweet words didn't convince me entirely. I mean I had dropped out of high school for crying out loud. How was I going to convince the people at the school that I could counsel these kids? Well, the day arrived and I put on a suit and tie and went off to meet with a Mr. Whitehead about the job.

"Have a seat, Mr. Hickok," he said motioning toward a chair opposite his desk.

"You have an interesting educational background."

"Yes sir," I said. I mean, it wasn't really a question but it seemed like he was looking for a response all the same.

"Your grades were abhorrent in the school system and then you dropped out at sixteen," he paused but it wasn't an invitation to speak, "Nothing for almost three years and then you start taking classes for your equivalency certificate. You passed those tests with impressive scores and then enroll in night classes. It looks like you never took a semester off, including summers though you took a much lighter load between your last two years of school. And your grades in college are, if not exemplary, at least very respectable. What sparked the change?"

"Sir?"

"From drop out to model student," he clarified.

"No one thought I could do anything when I was younger," I said knowing that you normally don't get this personal in an interview but my own truth was all I had going for me so I had to use it. "It got so I believed them. I have people in my life who think I'm worth something now and I guess finally convinced me I actually am. It makes a big difference when you aren't fighting everyone for a chance, when there are even a few people fighting by your side."

"I suppose it does," he said like he was thinking about it some. "Tell me is one of the people who suddenly believed in you your wife?"

I looked up at him surprised but I saw he was looking at my hands and I was unconsciously twisting the ring on my finger.

"She's the loudest in my cheering section," I admitted, "But she's not alone there either."

"Mr. Hickok," the man began, "I have every instinct that says you are wrong for this job. We are trying to convince students to stay in school and here you are a shining example of quitting and still landing on your feet."

He paused again for effect and it wasn't nearly as endearing when Mr. Whitehead did it as it was when Al did.

"So tell me why I should hire you."

I sort of sighed. I wondered if the day would ever come when I wasn't defending my very existence to people. I decided that was the time to open up. There was no way I was going to BS my way through something like this. I would need the truth, every ugly stinking part of it and if it didn't get me the job at least I would know that I had given it everything I had.

"I've been where these kids are," I began, "I had parents who didn't care to do anything but hit me and teachers who cared even less. I was told I was useless and worthless, not in words mind you but in action and even inaction. I got into trouble and no one cared. I guess I know now that at least some of the time I was trying to get my folks' attention. I don't think it was conscious but one of my psychology classes told me that and it makes a good deal of sense. I know what it is to have no one on your side. I was there. But I also know how wonderful it is when someone is on your side. I have a few people who've become like a family to me. They had faith in me and stood by me when I probably least deserved it. You know that's when people need other people the most. Sure I got through after dropping out but it was really hard. I worked all day and went to school nights. Time with my girl was the two of us at the kitchen table each buried in books. I guess I should be glad that she was going to school too though or we wouldn't have even had that. I was lucky enough to have a boss that was real understanding. Most aren't."

I paused then for my own dramatic effect and then went on, "Besides, keeping these kids in school is less about threatening them with how hard things might be than it is about making them feel they deserve something other than the hardships."

I looked at the man who was just staring back at me.

"I don't know if that's what you wanted for convincing," I said, "But it's the truth and that's the only thing I have on me right now."

"Those are some very passionate words, Mr. Hickok," he said to me, "I still have some other applicants to consider but I will tell you that your answer has at least put you in the pile with the serious contenders. I do have one more question for you. Are you planning on continuing your education at all?"

"Yes sir," I told him, "I'm heading back to work on my MSW this fall. I've heard there might at some point be social work spots within the schools and I'd really like to move into something like that someday. These kids need it before they're too far gone for anyone to help."

Mr. Whitehead allowed a smile and I think he liked something in what I said but I didn't know what until later.

"Well, as I said I have a few more interviews to conduct but I should be contacting you with my decision one way or the other within a week."

I stood and shook his hand and thanked him for his time.

I was a grouch for the next few days. Al was tiptoeing around me and even Emma got snapped at once or twice. Joanie had her methods of keeping me pretty docile but I'm sure I wasn't the doting husband she deserved right about then. Well, I was at work one afternoon and a call came for me. I was confused and a little worried when Al called me to the office to take the phone. He read my look, "It's not Joanie."

That was a relief but then it was the police. There was something ugly that had gone down that they weren't giving me the details of and apparently two of the kids I worked with were involved and one was asking for me.

"Al," I said, "I have to go. One of my kids is in trouble."

It was the first time I had called them my kids but it wouldn't be the last time. You talk to teachers and every child that sits at a desk in their classroom is one of theirs as sure as the ones they helped to make and for the rest of us who work with kids it's pretty much the same. Still Al raised his eyebrows at me.

"One of the kids I counsel," I clarified though I always felt he should have just known after he laid claim to me and the rest of the gang. Al nodded at me to go and I was down to that station faster than I should have been if I'd been following traffic laws.

I walked in and there was one of my harder luck cases, Jesse James. That poor kid had been through the ringer. He had parents about as good as mine though at times I thought maybe a little worse than mine. His only friend in the world was his big brother Frank who was doing time at Jackson and probably would be the rest of his life. He killed a man while robbing a liquor store and that's murder during the commission of a felony so that was an automatic first degree rap. Granted he had a crap attorney but I'm not sure even Uncle Eli or Mr. Cohen could have done much to help Frank. The worst part of it was Jesse idolized his brother. I worked with Jesse probably more than most of the kids because I knew how easy it would be for him to end up dead or in the cell next to his brother and he was too good for that. I went over to him and he looked like he wanted to stand up or at least shake my hand but he was manacled to the desk and his hands were cuffed together. I looked over at the officer across the desk for some explanation. He just frowned so I looked to Jesse.

"Are you alright?"

Jesse put on his biggest tough guy routine and puffed out his chest.

"'Course I'm alright," he said but his eyes betrayed his fear. "Why wouldn't I be alright?"

I shook my head and turned back to the officer. I reached across to shake his hand.

"James Hickok," I said, "What kind of mess did he get himself into?"

The officer took me aside a little ways.

"Before I talk to you I have to tell you we tried to get the kid's parents here to take up for him but he insisted on calling you."

"His folks wouldn't've come anyway," I said, "I've been his social worker for a while now. I told him to call me if he needed anything or got into any trouble. So what happened?"

"It doesn't look like Jesse there actually did anything but be in the wrong place at the wrong time with the wrong person," the officer said, "His friend who was with him knocked over a liquor store while Jesse was outside. I don't think that kid even knew about it. His friend came out and said to run and Jesse did. Eventually we got called and started chasing them. Jesse froze when he was told and his friend didn't."

"What happened to the friend?"

"He was reaching into his jacket," he began and I knew where it was going.

"Is he dead?" the officer nodded. "Is Jesse facing any charges?"

"I think if I could charge him with stupidity I might just to scare some sense into him," he said, "But he seems to have a pretty thick skull. I'm not sure it would do any good."

"Yeah he's a tough nut to crack," I agreed, "Can you release him now?"

"You're taking responsibility for him then? Because I can't just release a juvenile without an adult to take charge of him."

"He's coming home with me," I said.

The officer unlocked Jesse and I led him out of the station to my car.

"How much trouble am I in?" Jesse asked once we were inside and headed toward home.

"You aren't being accused of any crime," I said.

"I mean with you," he said and he actually sounded scared. All I could think of was when I first started spending time with Al and Emma. I remember the first time I got in trouble and I spent a few days flinching from a beating that never came.

"I wish you'd find some better friends, Jesse," I told him, "But I'm right now just a lot more grateful that the officer who fired on your friend had the aim he did. You could've been killed."

"You ain't going to beat me?"

"No one's going to beat you," I told him, "Not ever again if I have anything to say about it."

"Are you mad at me?"

"Right now I'm still stuck in being scared half to death for you. Mad might come later but I think most of the strength will be gone before it does."

I looked over to him. He was rail thin. Now Jesse was never what I'd call stocky and more often he tended toward gangly but he looked far too skinny right about then and under his eyes were dark circles.

"When was the last time you ate or slept?" I asked.

He shrugged.

"Well, you'll eat tonight," I said, "Joanie'll love having someone to cook for besides just me. And I still have a couch that folds out."

"Your wife going to be okay with you bringing me home?"

I didn't know how to explain that even when I didn't physically bring my kids home, they came home with me all the same.

"Probably but that's for me to worry on and not you," I told him.

"What's she like?" he asked, "She pretty?"

I laughed, "That's the dumbest question I've heard. No man marries a woman who isn't at least pretty in his eyes. As for what she's like, see for yourself because we're here."

We walked up to the apartment and went in. Jesse looked uncertain but I sort of scowled at him.

"I said I'd look out for you and honestly I don't trust leaving you in the hall," I told him, "Now get in there."

We walked in and Jesse sniffed the air. Being as school hadn't started yet; Joanie was taking a lot of joy in being domestic and cooking wonderful meals every night. It smelled amazing in the little apartment and I think I even heard that poor boy's stomach growl.

Joanie came to the door to meet me and seeing Jesse only stopped her for a moment before she continued to me to give me a kiss.

"How was work?" she asked as if Jesse wasn't standing there. She knew I'd get to him and also knew he was feeling awkward and didn't want a bunch of attention heaped on him right then.

"Short day," I said, "I was needed elsewhere. This is Jesse."

"It's good to meet you, Jesse," she said giving him a hug, "I've heard a good deal about you, unless there are two Jesses."

"Nope this is the one," I said, "Dinner smells great, honey."

"It's almost done," she replied, "Jesse, why don't you get washed up? The bathroom is pretty easy to find. It's the room that doesn't have a bed in it."

Once Jesse was in the bathroom she turned to me, "He doesn't have anyone else, does he?"

"Not a soul," I confirmed, "I don't think he's been eating or sleeping either. I don't know where I can find for him but at least for tonight I couldn't abandon him."

"I have an idea about that but we'll talk more later. Right now I need to finish supper so we can get something in that child's belly."

She started to head to the kitchen and then turned back to me.

"When I hugged him, he thought I was going to strike him."

Her eyes were moist and her voice cracked. It was a statement but she said it as a question as if she was begging me to tell her it wasn't so.

"He probably did," I said, "He thought I was going to beat him too. I'm sorry I didn't call first, Joanie. It's just, he's me when I was that age."

I could see her blink back the tears she'd shed later, "I know. I'm not upset with you. I'm proud of you."

She kissed me and blinked a few more times and then turned to finish getting dinner on the table. I followed to help her.

* * *

><p><strong>Brief note to explain that Jackson is Jackson State Prison. It is one of two maximum security prisons in the state. The other is Marquette in the U.P. but I believe that one is still largely for our more nutty criminals...Lansing's serial killer Donald Miller is there I believe. Yucky soul that he is. I think that's all I need to explain.-J<strong>


	55. Chapter 55

Dinner went well and I think Joanie was glad that she had made so much. Jesse just kept piling the food on his plate. I know Joanie's original plan was to have leftovers the next day but she positively beamed watching the kid eat. There was a cake for dessert and Jesse probably ate half of it himself. I was worried he might make himself sick but he really needed a good feeding. We tried to keep the conversation light and relatively normal.

"So how was your day?" I asked Joanie.

"You know Uncle Eli just took on a new case," she said and I nodded, "Well, Noah's busy with a case for Daddy so Uncle Eli has me doing his research and even wants me to write one of the motions."

"That's wonderful," I said and I was so proud of her. For all of her searching and questioning, she had found her calling after all.

"I'm afraid it means the end of your proper wife meeting you at the door with supper almost ready," she said looking down like any of that mattered one little bit to me.

"I don't mind at all," I said honestly, "It'll get us used to a routine more like we'll have once school starts back up."

"I guess we did know this would be short-lived."

I could see things turning over in Jesse's head until he couldn't hold it in anymore.

"You're happy about research and writing?" he asked her and then turned to me without waiting for a response. "And you're happy about her being gone more? Aren't you two newlyweds?"

Joanie and I laughed a bit at his words and maybe even his youth.

"What's so funny?"

I took a deep breath before beginning, "Research, writing and even learning can be pretty great if you're learning about stuff you care about. We aren't done going to school, either one of us. We both want to do things that require more schooling. Joanie's going to be a lawyer and being allowed to put together a motion before she even starts law school is a bit honor."

"Why do you have to go to school more?" he asked me, "You finished college."

"To be what I want to be to help people the way I want to help them, I need another degree that should take just a couple years more."

I know he didn't get it but that was the work I wanted was to help him get it. Even if he never saw the need for college, if I could show him a life that lead somewhere other than a six foot hole or a ten by six at Jackson then I could feel I'd done right by him. I knew I wouldn't save every kid and I knew I had lost one that very afternoon though I think that one I had met only once and that was briefly but I felt like it was just imperative to reach Jesse. It wasn't just that he was savable; it was that he was still hoping for someone like me. I remembered when I still hoped for someone to save me. By the time that Al took me on, I had given up that hope and thought I didn't even want it anymore. I had to get through to Jesse and I had to do it before he gave up hope and belief.

We spent the evening watching TV. Joanie cuddled up to me on the couch and then patted the spot next to her. Jesse looked at me awkwardly but sat down anyway. There was another chair in the room but I knew what Joanie was doing and it just showed that she instinctively knew how to do the things it took me four years of college to learn. She was trying to teach him family and trust and the start of that was trusting him and not banishing him to the other chair. And part of it was having him be close to people and not be hurt. Sometime in the evening she put her arm around his bony shoulders. He stiffened at first but she kept her arm right there and rubbed a little at his back until he quit tensing up so much. I squeezed her hand. I know her big heart had a price attached to it and I had no idea at that time how great the price would be. Right then I was just grateful I had found someone like her to share my life.

Later on, Joanie went to get ready for bed and I unfolded the sofa bed and made it all up for Jesse. I watched him as he checked the front door five or six times to make sure it was locked.

"You're going to be okay," I said softly, "You're safe. No one here wants to hurt you."

He still looked uncertain so I sat down in the chair.

"Not everyone hits kids," I said trying to look him in the eye but he was content to pick at and study the blanket. "It just seems like it when you're the one getting beat on."

He stayed quiet.

"So tell me, do the emergency room docs still believe that a fall down the stairs leaves boot shaped marks on your ribs or finger marks around your neck?"

I could see the hitching breath he took as he nodded.

"Another one of your kids?" he asked.

I shook my head, "Me. My best friend too and a few others. I'll bet you thought you were the only one and it was something you did that turned nice normal people into violent monsters."

"I'm a bad kid," he said in this really tiny voice, "I make people mad."

I wanted to cry myself at hearing that and I think my tears sprang up mostly because I remember thinking the very same thing about myself.

"There's no such thing as a bad kid," I said, "You make mistakes sometimes, sure, but everyone does and not everyone ends up in the emergency room for it. You say the word, and I hope to God you do, and I'll make it so you never, ever have to go back again. There are nice people out there who'd love to help you learn from your mistakes."

"You can do that?" he asked, "Get me out of there?"

"Yeah," I answered, "I can and I will. You have my word."

I got up to leave and head to bed.

"Mr. Hickok?"

I turned back to him, "For God's sake Jesse, call me Jimmy."

Some situations I had to have my kids address me formally but most of the time I found it worked better if they could be a little less formal with me. Some called me James but most got more comfortable with Jimmy or just Jim.

"Jimmy then," he corrected and smiled a little at that. I realized that until that point I had been an authority figure to him and I had just changed into a friend and ally. "Will you tell your wife thank you for me? I don't know if I could find the words but she's been real nice to me."

"I'll tell her," I told him, "But I think they way you devoured your dinner was thanks enough for Joanie."

I started to walk away again.

"Jimmy?"

I turned back to him trying to hide my frustration.

"She's real pretty. I hope someday I find someone pretty as her and nice like that too."

"I hope you do too, Jesse, I really do."

I started back for my bedroom and he called to me once more.

"What is it, Jesse?" I asked and I know my impatience was creeping into my voice.

"I just," he began and paused like he was really thinking and I could see the tears standing in his eyes. "Thank you for well, just thanks."

"Aside from the fact that I feel responsible for you," I said, "You've kind of grown on me. Just don't scare me again like you did today, alright?"

He nodded. I'm not sure anyone had ever worried for his safety before. I made my way into the bedroom where Joanie was sitting up and reading a book.

"You get him all tucked in?" she asked like I was babysitting Timmy or Lisa or something.

"I think he's settled for the night," I answered.

"Are you alright?" she asked, "I can see he's bringing up a lot of memories for you."

"I'll be fine as long as I can save him. I have to help him, I just have to" I told her as I started to shake, "He could have been killed today. Another boy was killed right next to him and Jesse could have been killed too. I've only known him a few months but it would just, I, well, I can't let anything happen to him. I have to find a way to reach him."

"You will," she assured me wrapping her arms around me as I crawled between the sheets. "If anyone can help that boy it is you."

I just stayed there a while in the warmth of her embrace and then thought of something.

"You said you had a thought on where he could go," I said, "I am open to ideas. I know how to get the paperwork and all that done to get him out of his home and into another but I don't want to put him just anywhere. The last thing he needs is to be at the mercy of the system."

"That was never my intention," she said, "I thought, well, I know Uncle Saul and Aunt Edna have wanted to take in a child for some time and they were looking to take on an older child too. They used to want a baby and when she couldn't have any they thought about adoption but it never came to be so they started thinking about foster care. If you can take him to work with you tomorrow and keep him busy helping you and Al then I can talk to Uncle Saul when I go to the office."

I kissed her deeply then. It was the only way I could express the words that wouldn't come to me to tell her how wonderful she was.

We slept well for a while until the screams jolted us awake. I told Joanie to stay put while I checked out the apartment but of course she followed me and when she saw Jesse thrashing and crying out in his sleep she pushed past me in the doorway and ran to him.

"Stop!" he yelled, "Please stop! Mommy, don't let him, oh please don't let him do this!"

Joanie turned on a lamp and sat down on the bed and reached out to touch him. She nearly got smacked for her trouble of getting so close to him. He wasn't awake and I could hardly hold it against him but I wanted to run in and pull her away from him all the same, just to keep her safe. She ducked without a second thought and reached for him again.

"Jesse," she called to him shaking at his shoulder, "Jesse, wake up. You're safe. It's alright."

He stopped thrashing but was still asleep. He curled into a tiny ball under the tangled blankets and whimpered.

"Mommy, why didn't you help me? Why'd you let him do that? No, Mommy, no!"

Joanie shook him harder and he opened his eyes with a start and then scooted as far from her as he could.

"I'm sorry," he said his eyes darting from her to me and back again, "I'm sorry. I'll be good. I promise I will."

I could see Joanie's shoulders shake and I knew the tears were running down my cheeks as well. Joanie didn't try reaching for him; she just opened her arms with her palms up and spoke gently to him.

"You are a good boy, Jesse. You've always been a good boy."

I went over and crouched next to the bed to look less threatening.

"Joanie's right. You are a good kid," I said softly, "One of the best kids I've met."

He blinked a few times trying to figure out what was happening. Nothing in his life experience had prepared him for how we were acting toward him.

"I woke you up," he said, "Aren't you mad?"

"Not at you, Jesse," I said, "There's nothing to be mad for. It's not your fault."

He scooched across the bed toward us like he still wasn't all sure it wasn't a trick. Joanie took one of his hands and I took the other. We sure the hell didn't want to scare him by reaching for him too much. Tears were running pretty heavy for all of us and then somehow Jesse ended up in Joanie's arms with her rocking slightly back and forth. I took my hand and brushed the hair away from his face that was still all sweaty from those dreams and then I rubbed his back. He fell asleep in Joanie's arms and I helped her lay him back down and cover him back up to get his sleep.

We went back to our room stopping only briefly in the doorway to look back at the poor boy sleeping in our living room.

"We make a pretty good team," she said.

"That's exactly why I married you," I told her.

* * *

><p><strong>Heart. Breaking. I'm going to go look at pictures of baby animals for a bit but you all enjoy this, okay?-J<strong>


	56. Chapter 56

We did go back to sleep after that but I think we were both listening for Jesse to have more problems. I know I had a few bad dreams of my own and Joanie must have noticed because when I woke in the morning, she was holding tight to me like she'd been lending me her strength all night and I supposed she had been.

"Good morning, my love," she said, "Are you alright this morning?"

That wasn't her normal line in the morning but I think she was a little concerned for me.

"A little tired," I admitted, "But I think I'm doing okay today."

She kissed me and then smiled, "I'm glad." Her smile was bright on the surface but there was a look in her eye that spoke of worry and sadness.

We dressed and readied quickly and then went out to the kitchen, or Joanie did. I went over to gently shake Jesse awake.

"Hey Jesse," I said, "It's time to get up."

He blinked a few times and looked confused and a little scared for a minute and then he smiled a little sheepishly.

"Oh hey Jimmy," he said, "Look I really am sorry I woke you up last night."

"Jesse," I said sitting down for a minute, "You had a bad dream. I get 'em myself and Joanie does too from time to time."

I stood then and put my hands on my hips.

"Now come on and get some breakfast. You're coming to work with me today and we'll see about some paperwork and formally getting you clear of where you've been," I told him, "We've got an idea about where you could go but I'm going to make sure you're someplace good for you."

"Why're you doing all this, Jimmy?"

"Because no one did it for me."

"I can take care of myself," he said, "I have been anyway. I haven't been home in three weeks as it is."

"You look like you haven't eaten in that long too," I said, "Least not until last night."

He just looked down. I know he wanted me to think he was tough and grown up and didn't need anyone but I knew better, I had the same act when I was a kid.

"Get in there and get something to eat," I told him patting him on the shoulder. "Joanie won't leave until she knows you have something in your stomach."

We got him fed and Joanie had to get going. She had a longer drive to work than I did. She kissed me goodbye.

"Have a wonderful day," she said to me.

"You too," I said.

Then she came over and kissed Jesse on the cheek, "You have a good day too, Jesse."

"Thanks Joanie," Jesse said blushing a little. I thought I might need to warn the little punk to steer clear of my girl.

Joanie left and Jesse looked at me a little weird.

"What?" I asked.

"You've got it pretty good, you know?" he said to me, "Nice wife, real pretty and she kisses you goodbye every time she leaves."

"Well, we are newlyweds," I pointed out, "But I know what you mean. It looks a little too much like a Norman Rockwell painting, don't it?"

He nodded as I ushered him out the door.

"That's why you have to keep yourself open and don't mess yourself up too bad. You never know when your dream woman is going to come driving up to you in a cherry red Corvette."

"So, you work in some boring office or what?" Jesse asked me once we were in the car and on our way.

"Not by a long shot," I told him, "I don't actually have a job in social work yet."

"What do you do then?"

"Same thing I been doing since I was about your age," I answered, "Fix cars."

"We're going to a garage?"

I nodded, "It's pretty laid back there but I still need you to act like you've been in public before."

He looked like he was going to take issue with my choice of words and I meant for them to be a little teasing. I was trying to tell him that I knew he was a good kid and I just needed him to act like it. But his look of offense changed to a look of concern.

"Are you going to get in trouble with your boss for bringing me with you?"

"Not likely," I answered, "Al's good people. He'll cut you more slack than most but this is a place of business all the same."

We got to the shop and I set to getting the place ready to open for the day, turning on lights and getting the coffee started.

"This place is pretty cool," Jesse said looking around as the lights came on one by one.

About then Al walked in with the Freep under his arm whistling "It's a Long Way to Tipperary" or some such tune. I can't remember but that was one if his favorites. Jesse froze and I wasn't close enough to him to even put a hand on his shoulder to let him know things were okay. Al stopped on his way to his office and looked at Jesse and then looked at me like nothing was amiss.

"Morning Jimmy," he said as he did most mornings, "Did you go and hire me an assistant without telling me?"

"This is Jesse, Jesse James," I told him knowing that his comment was only a way of fishing for an introduction. "He's hanging out with me a while today."

I left it at that and kept a look on my face that said anything else ought to be discussed out of earshot of the kid. Al just nodded at me and then stuck his hand out to Jesse.

"Pleased to meet you, Jesse," he said as Jesse tentatively reached and shook the offered hand. "The name's Al Hunter."

Jesse looked unsure but mustered his best macho act, "Good to meet you too, Mr. Hunter."

Al smiled, "I didn't say my name was Mr. Hunter though, did I?"

Jesse looked down.

"It's alright, son," Al said gently and with a look that said he figured out why Jesse was with me. "We just don't hold much with formality around here. Call me Al. It's what the rest of the kids call me."

Jesse looked back up and smiled. He had a good smile when he was of a mind to haul it out. It'd land him a nice girl someday.

"Say Jesse," Al said like he was pondering something over in his mind. "Jimmy cut out of here a little early last night and the shop didn't get swept up. If you want to make a couple bucks I'd appreciate it if you could grab that broom over there and just get the place looking a little nicer before any customers think about wandering in."

"Sure thing, Al," Jesse said beaming. I remembered when I got the same smile. Al had a way of making you feel like you weren't a complete loser and for some of us kids, meeting Al was the first time we ever felt that way about ourselves.

I knew what Al was really up to and followed him into his office.

"How does that pretty little wife of yours feel about you bringing in the strays?"

"We didn't really get a chance to talk about it but she took to him pretty quick," I said, "Besides I'm not taking him in. He needs my help and I can't help him the same way if I become his guardian. He's been living on the streets. It's safer for him than home."

"Doesn't look like he's seen too many meals lately," Al noted.

"No," I agreed, "He's always been a gawky kid but he looks just way too thin right now. Joanie fed him good last night and this morning."

"Tell you what," Al said handing me a few dollars, "Give him this for sweeping up and then take him over to Emma's. See if she needs any help around the house. You know she'll want to feed him and she'll find something for him to do just so she can try to put a little meat on his bones. He'll be safe there."

I nodded and looked out to see Jesse diligently sweeping away. He wasn't lazy, that was for sure.

"You got a place for him to go?"

"Joanie's working on it," I told him, "Her Uncle Saul, you remember, he's the other partner at the firm."

Al nodded and Jesse appeared at the door of the office.

"I'm done," he said, "Is there anything else you need done?"

I handed him the money.

"Al doesn't have anything for you right now but his neighbor lady might," I told him, "Come on, I'll take you."

I started walking to Emma's.

"Who's this neighbor?" Jesse asked trying hard to keep the fear out of his voice.

"The closest thing to a real mom I ever had," I replied, "She's a real nice lady and her husband's at work right now so she might have some things around her house that need doing."

He looked at me strange.

"You trying to get rid of me, Jimmy?"

"There's nothing for you to do around the shop," I explained, "You'd be bored. You're less than a block from me and you know the way if you need anything or get to missing me."

"I don't need a babysitter, you know."

"I do know," I said, "But you do need to learn that there are nice people. I figure you can learn that from the same people who taught that to me. We're here."

I walked onto the porch and the door opened.

"I saw you coming up the walk," Emma said hugging me, "It's good to see you. Did you hear anything about the job yet?"

She kept talking like Jesse wasn't standing there. She learned a few things from me and one was that kids like Jesse and I guess like how I was too don't cotton to strangers throwing us in bear hugs.

"No word yet," I said, "Doubt I will though or if I do I can't see them hiring me."

She put a hand on my cheek, "That's no way to think. It hasn't been a week yet. Surely they'll have to see how perfect you would be for this job."

"They don't have to do anything they don't want to do, Emma."

She just frowned at me in that way she had that said she was never going to be convinced that the whole world couldn't see how precious her babies were. I never understood how she could feel that for me, or at least I couldn't until years later when I had my own kids and I knew then that no one can tell you anything bad about your children—not even the kids themselves—and it just seems inconceivable that anyone wouldn't see how amazing your kid is.

"Do I have to introduce myself?"

I looked over at Jesse and introduced the two of them.

"Jesse's hanging out today and we're not busy at the shop. I thought maybe you'd have something to do to keep him busy."

"I'm sure I do," she said, "Though I think at least part of what I need to keep him busy doing is eating."

She looked him over, "You are nothing but skin and bones, you poor dear."

Jesse looked at me helplessly and I just smiled at him. Emma would wear him down in no time and she might even have him fattened up by quitting time.

I left them and went back to the shop and got working on everything I hadn't gotten to the day before when I ran out so fast to get Jesse. I was working away when Al came out of his office.

"Jimmy," he called, "Your wife's on the phone."

I went in and picked up the receiver.

"I'm so sorry, James," she said, "Aunt Edna's sister just passed unexpectedly and they will be taking in her three daughters. They're already devastated girls and they just couldn't give the attention to Jesse that he would need as well. I'm sorry."

She sounded near panicked and I understood she felt she had let Jesse down and by extension, me.

"Joanie, calm down, honey," I said, "We'll figure something out. This isn't the end of the world, just a little hitch."

"I really thought this would work."

"I know," I told her, "It'll be alright though. We'll think of something else."

I got back to work and I'm sure I was quiet because I was thinking of what to do. I wasn't lying to Al when I said Jesse couldn't stay with us for a long term. Aside from the fact that I wouldn't be as big of a help to Jesse if I was his guardian also, there was the strain that would put on Joanie. I worried enough about what the start of school would do to her as it was, I could not allow her to bear the weight of helping care for an abused teenage boy also.

"Bad news?" Al asked pulling up a chair near the car I was working on.

"A setback," I said, "Uncle Saul and Aunt Edna can't take Jesse in."

"Hmm, looks like you might have a solution," Al said drawing my attention to the pair about to walk into the garage. "At least a temporary one."

Emma and Jesse walked in with Jesse carrying lunch for Al and me. Emma had an arm around his shoulders and he was smiling. I let Jesse head into Al's office with Al and stood outside with Emma.

"How's it going?" I asked.

"He's a great kid," she said, "How long is he staying with you?"

"Until I can find a good placement for him," I told her, "I can't let him stay on the street and I can't send him back where I know he'll just run away again. If I sent him back, I'd lose any chance of helping him for sure. He'd never trust me again."

"No," she said, "He wouldn't. He's a good kid, reminds me a little of you."

"Yeah he does me too."

"I should have gotten you away from them sooner," she said, "I wonder how you trust me at all."

"I came out okay."

She was about to say something when Sam walked into the garage.

"I'm here, Emma," he said like he was in a hurry, "Is everything okay?"

"It could be," she said and I took that as my cue to head into the office and get something to eat. I think I knew what she was trying to do and I could see the logic in it.

It wasn't long after I left Sam and Emma that they came in the office smiling. Emma introduced Sam to Jesse.

"Jesse," Emma began, "Sam and I wanted to invite you to come live with us."

"For how long?" Jesse asked.

"We were thinking forever," Sam answered.

Jesse looked at me.

"I don't know what you're looking at me for," I said, "You know I can't be your social worker and have you live with me. You could do a lot worse than these two but it's up to you."

It was pretty much decided at that point that Jesse would live with Sam and Emma. There was still plenty of paperwork to be done in order to make things official and legal but Jesse never went back to that sorry excuse for a home where they hurt him and he lived as Emma and Sam's kid from that day on.

It was another day before I got the phone call from the school asking me if I could come down again and talk. Al sent me on my way and said he'd work at teaching Jesse a few things. Jesse was around most days since he was only living around the corner.

I went to meet again with Mr. Whitehead. He looked a lot more relaxed at this meeting than he had at the last one. I had no idea what was happening. I really didn't have any experience with looking for a job. I'd never had to before. I thought maybe I needed to interview again. These days I probably would have had to interview two or three times at least but they didn't really do that sort of thing as much then. I also had a thought that he was telling me I didn't get it but then I thought he would have just told me that over the phone.

"Mr. Hickok," he began, "You know I had serious reservations about you."

I nodded.

"The only reason I interviewed you was your college record," he went on, "Your candid answers at our last meeting put you high on the list. In fact I became the man fighting for you."

I know I looked surprised at that. I was trying to keep a good poker face but that really shocked me.

"I brought you here today because I wanted to be the one to tell you that you did get the job and also because we have some paperwork to take care of."

I didn't know it when I first interviewed but Tom, we got on a first name basis that day, was a big proponent of school reform. He knew that times were changing and were going to change even more and schools were failing kids more and more and I don't mean handing out failing grades. I mean failing them, letting them fall through the cracks, letting them live like I lived and like Jesse had to live for far too long. We didn't really have the term "at-risk" yet for talking about these kids but something lacking a label doesn't make it not exist. Basically Tom wanted to start indentifying these kids we were at risk of losing to dropping out and maybe even to the court system and to violence.

"I've got to do something, Jim," he said to me, "It used to be enough to put someone up in front of the classroom to say some things and if they learned something they learned something and if they didn't, there were still opportunities. That's not always going to be the case and it's not even all about just teaching them reading and math anymore. Some of these kids aren't being taught things that parents once taught. They don't learn social skills or trust. Can I ask you something personal?"

I nodded.

"Were you abused by your parents? You alluded to as much but I don't want to move forward on an erroneous assumption."

"Yeah," I said, "They beat me pretty bad."

"And we in the schools expected you to learn from us when you couldn't even trust us to see to your basic safety. It's ridiculous of us to think we can accomplish anything like that."

I agreed with him.

"At least that was my argument to my superiors when I said I needed to hire you, Jim."

"Thanks for going to bat for me," I said and he just nodded.

I went home that night with plans to take my girl out for dinner to celebrate what would be a better situation for us. When she got home though I realized I might have to change my plans. She was on the warpath. Apparently Noah was driving somewhere with his new girlfriend Rosemary and he got pulled over. The officer asked Rosemary over and over if she needed help basically accusing Noah of holding her hostage. She told the officer she was fine and was with her boyfriend. The officer didn't believe her and arrested Noah. Mr. Cohen had to go and get the charges dropped and eventually there was an apology issued but it still shouldn't have happened. Joanie was steamed. I got her calmed down eventually but it became a night for ordering takeout instead of going out.

"I'm sorry," she said, "I made everything about me. How was your day?"

"I got the job," I said.

She looked at me a moment and then it was like the news sank in and she rushed to me and wrapped her whole body around me kissing me all over my face and neck.

"I knew you would get it," she said between kisses, "I just knew you would."

She pulled back when she realized I wasn't kissing her back.

"James what's wrong?" the passion with which she had been decrying the entire law enforcement community only minutes earlier was now focused on me in the form of worry. I didn't want to worry her and I didn't want to answer her question, not after everything we'd been through.

"I'm not sure I can do this," I said.

"Everyone is nervous when they start a new job," she said, "Once you get settled you'll be fine, you'll see."

"It's not just nerves, Joanie," I argued, "I'm not sure I can work every day with kids like Jesse, kids like me."

I was sitting on the davenport and she was straddling me with her arms still frozen around me. She slid off my lap to one side but kept her arms around me and pulled me over to where I was sort of laying on her while she stroked my head.

"Tell me about the dreams," she said and I wasn't expecting that question. I didn't even understand that question.

"After Jesse's nightmare, you thrashed most of the night and muttered things in your sleep. What did you see?"

"Joanie, I can't," I began but she cut me off with a soft kiss.

"You have to," she said, "I think you know you do. That wasn't the first night I noticed your bad dreams. You got me through mine after Stan. Please let me do this for you."

It all came flooding out then, the helplessness I felt and the lack of hope. I told her about the times I came home to the monster my old man could turn into and how my mom just sat there like it meant nothing to her what he was doing. Those were the times I could even get into the place. Other times I would find the door was locked. When I was lucky those times Kid could sneak me into his place. When I wasn't lucky, I was on the street. The street was scarier than my folks. I'd try to stay on the roof but that didn't always work.

"One night a guy who seemed nice enough offered me a place to stay," I said, "I thought he was just being a good guy and trying to help me."

I could see her tears renew as she figured out how wrong I was.

"I got away once I figured out what he wanted in return," I said, "Not that I really understood that at that time. I just knew it didn't feel right. When the dreams come, I can't get away from him."

She hugged me tighter and kissed the side of my head.

"You're safe now."

"I know," I said and I felt more than safe in her arms. I felt invincible except for one thing. "I can't live like this, Joanie. These kids are going to make me live these memories all the time. I want to help them so badly but I don't think I can."

"You can," she said, "I know it will be hard at first but once you can use the terrible things that happened to you to help someone else, you'll see."

"See what?"

"That you can't do anything else with your life."

* * *

><p><strong>Okay...couple small notes...one is that I have used that line, "act like you've been in public before" on my own kids.<strong>

**Also, it is still not uncommon for someone to get pulled over because the police see a white woman and black man in the same car and assume it is some carjacking/kidnapping. as much as I really don't like Rosemary this isn't her fault. And only part of the reason I don't like Rosemary has to do with what she was in the series (manipulative user) and more of it is what I know she's going to do in this story (evil doomydoom bringing manipulative user). So...yeah.-J**


	57. Chapter 57

"How's Jesse settling in, Emma?"

I was standing in her kitchen. It was a Sunday and Joanie and I were there for dinner. Joanie was fussing over Timmy and learning whatever signs he had just picked up. She'd teach them to me later. I went into the kitchen saying Emma would probably need some help reaching the high shelves. She might but she'd call someone if she really did. I just wanted an excuse to see how Jesse was doing and how they were doing with him.

"I love him, Jimmy," she said beaming, "I think I did from the moment you brought him here. It was like God heard my prayers and sent him to me. I wanted another child but it just hasn't happened and now I think it's past happening. Then there you were with that poor little urchin. He's so tender to me, like you and Kid always were."

"You bring out the best in people, Emma," I said, "I never doubted you'd take a shine to him. How's he doing with Sam?"

"They just don't seem to connect," she said sadly, "I think maybe they're scared of each other or something. Sam tries sometimes but he seems lost and then Jesse just retreats to his room. It's like there's two different boys. He's so sweet when it's just the two of us. He talks to me and opens up. He tells me everything, what kind of music he likes and that he's nervous about school starting in the fall. But then Sam comes home and we sit through silent suppers and then Jesse goes to his room and I don't see him again until the next morning when he's Mr. Sunshine all over again. Weekends are near to unbearable."

She sighed and collected herself as if I hadn't just gotten a glimpse of how worried she really was.

"It's a new situation," she said forcing a smile, "I'm sure I'm expecting too much too soon."

"That might be Emma but maybe I can talk to Jesse," I told her, "I've been working with him a little while now. You just keep doing what you're doing and don't try to force anything. I think he'll come around in time but putting pressure on him won't help."

"I'm trying not to," she said and there was more emotion in her face right then than she usually allowed.

"I know," I said pulling her into a hug, "I also know it's hard to see two people you love so much not taking to each other. You're doing things right Emma. Just be patient and let me see what I can figure out. I have a couple ideas what might be the problem."

"You always were a good boy, Jimmy," she said patting my arm.

"No I wasn't."

"You were," she argued, "You just didn't always know it."

It wasn't too long after that I picked up my mail and saw a letter from Theresa. Those were always a good thing. I was still trying to set up an office at the school and get ready for the school year to start. It wasn't going to be too long by then and I was going to have actual students looking to me for guidance. I wasn't at all sure about that idea. I mean, it's what I wanted to do and all but at that point I wasn't feeling any too confident. I thought at one time it was enough to understand and be there for those kids but Jesse's slow adjustment was just one more thing reminding me I didn't know all I thought I knew.

Still the loopy writing on the envelope brought a smile to my face. I still had letters from her with that wobbly block lettering she was using when they first moved away. By eleven years old she was writing in a very loopy girly style and Lou was even buying pretty pink stationery for her to write on. I grabbed a beer and settled down on the couch to read the latest news from a sixth grade perspective.

"Dear Uncle Jimmy, How are you and Aunt Joanie? I am fine, I guess. Bobby's being a pest today but I guess he's alright too. Jack is cutting a tooth I think so he is crying a lot. Louise is a little upset about that I guess. More upset probably about Kid. He's got to leave soon. I knew he would have to eventually. A lot of the kids at school have dads that are already there. He kept saying that maybe he'd get to stay and work at training people or something but I guess we kind of knew that wasn't going to happen."

I set my beer down and leaned forward resting my arms on my lap to read the rest. I was trying to find another possible meaning in her words, anything they might mean besides my brother going to war.

"I'm not supposed to say anything. Louise and Kid fight all the time about calling you. She's mad he hasn't already and threatens to dial the number at least five times a day. He says he doesn't know how to tell you over the phone. I wish he would call you. I hate that he's going to leave soon and they're wasting their time together fighting. Besides, I'm scared. I know he's not my dad but I never had one of those and he's awful close. I don't want him to go, Uncle Jimmy. Louise is going to be so sad and we'll be so alone. I want to come home. I miss you and everyone else there. I know we're supposed to be strong so the soldiers can have our support when they go but I don't think I'm that strong.

"I have to ask a favor. Please call here. You can even say I wrote. I know he'll be upset but I don't care. I need them to stop fighting and he needs to talk to you. I think he's scared to go without saying goodbye but then I think he's scared to say goodbye. I've never seen Kid scared before. I don't know what else to do. I should go now and mail this. I miss you so much. Please give Aunt Joanie a big hug for me and tell her how pretty I thought she looked in her wedding dress. I haven't gotten around to writing to her to tell her myself. Love, Theresa."

There was no other meaning. I knew that. I also knew that Kid was at work right then and I couldn't call him. Still I had to do something to keep myself busy. I decided I'd go see about Jesse. I wasn't in the greatest mood but since I couldn't do anything for Kid right then I thought I'd see about helping the rest of my family. Jesse was like a distant cousin that came to visit at that point but eventually became something like a kid brother. I knew that's what Emma wanted anyway. I found him working away at the garage and Al looked up and nodded when he saw me.

"Jesse," Al said, "Why don't you go on and take a break?"

Jesse looked about ready to protest but then he saw me and smiled.

"Sure thing, Al."

"Come on, Jesse," I said putting a hand on his shoulder, "I want to show you something."

I led him up the stairs and past what used to be my sorry excuse for an apartment.

"That's where I used to live," I said, "You've got it a little better, I think."

"Being on your own must've been kind of cool."

"Not getting beat on was kind of cool. Being on my own was nothing new," I explained, "I didn't know I could ask Emma for what you have. It didn't occur to me that anyone would want me."

I kept going up the stairs until we came out on the roof.

"So cool," he said looking around, "I didn't know you could get to here."

"I spent a lot of time up here," I told him, "It's a great place to get some thinking done. You didn't hear this from me and if you repeat it to Emma I will find a way to make your life a bigger hell but it's good for other things as well."

"You brought girls up here?"

"Only one girl," I said, "Only one. I proposed over there and it was up here I kissed her the first time too."

"So why are we up here, Jimmy?"

"I'm guessing Al gave you keys to the place," I said and he nodded. "Then this can be your place to come and think. A man needs a place to get off alone and think. Just be careful who you share it with."

"I will," he said and then looked like he was pondering something. "Can I ask you something?"

"Of course," I told him.

"Does Sam hate me?"

"I don't think so," I replied, "I would doubt that he hates you. Why would you think that?"

"He acts like he doesn't want me there," he said, "Is it because of the trouble I used to get in? He's a cop and all."

"I used to get in trouble too and he knew that from the get go," I told him, "Sam's a more reserved guy, Jesse. I'll talk to him for you but I'm pretty sure he's just not sure of how to act around you just yet. Emma's so happy and he doesn't want to risk messing it up by saying or doing the wrong thing."

"Maybe," Jesse said.

"Well, I should be heading on home," I said, "I promised Joanie I'd make some dinner tonight so she doesn't have to worry about it. So enjoy the roof, just don't spend too much time hiding from Emma. You'll break her heart."

"I won't."

I headed for home and once I got there I got a little dinner going. I knew it was getting a ways after five by the time I put something in the oven and I could call Kid anytime. That dread feeling was getting even stronger and every time I even thought about picking up the phone I felt like throwing up. I had to though. It had been a while since we'd talked and Theresa had asked me to. I couldn't let her down. She needed this and I knew Kid and Lou did too. I dialed the number. Lou answered.

"Hey Lou, can I talk to your husband for a minute?"

She handed the phone over and I wondered if she knew why I was calling. She sounded relieved though because she figured he'd have to tell me.

"Hey Kid," I said trying to keep the emotion from my voice. It was harder and harder to do as the dread crawled through me. I had felt for so long that something terrible would happen with Kid and that feeling had never subsided. In fact, it had only grown stronger.

"Hey Jimmy," he said and he sounded so very tired. "I've been meaning to call you."

"Really," I said and I tried to sound like I hadn't already heard. This would go better if he didn't know that I already knew. Besides, maybe I jumped to the wrong conclusion.

"I hate telling you something like this over the phone," he said sighing, "I don't really have a choice though. I'm sorry I didn't call sooner. I've known a while now. I just didn't know how to tell you of all people something like this."

"Kid," I said understanding that I had been right about my earlier conclusion. The tears sprang to my eyes and I wanted all at once to hit something and break down crying and pull my brother into a hug. "Just say it. You're scaring me."

"I'm getting deployed, Jimmy."

"I don't," I began, "I mean, I don't even know what to say."

"I know," he said, "I'd like to think it'll be a short war but it's been going on a while now and I don't know how much difference US involvement is going to make. God, I'm terrible to even say that. I know we're capable of going in and taking care of this quickly. Anyway, I'll be home after a year and then I can choose an assignment somewhere else. I shouldn't have to go back."

"Just a year?" I asked and I know I was crying hard by then and I'm sure he heard it but then his voice was shaky too.

"Yeah," he said, "One year tour and I shouldn't have to take another."

"You know you have to stay safe, right?"

"I know," he said, "I have far too much waiting for me here. Can I ask a favor, Jimmy?"

"Anything, Kid, you know that."

"I need you to call Lou and Theresa from time to time. Just make sure they're doing okay," he said, "I know Lou can take care of herself and all but I'm sure she could still use a friend through all this."

"You know I will. You do something for me too. Drop a line every now and then and let us know you're safe."

"I will," he assured me.

"I should let you go now," I said it but I didn't want to. I would have paid any long distance bill if staying on that phone would have kept him stateside, kept him safe. "You know you were the first family I had, right? You're my brother. You have been since we were too little to even know any different."

"I do know. You're mine too," he said as his voice cracked, "I will see you again, you know."

I wanted to believe that. I really did but there was that feeling that this was the last I'd ever hear of his voice. I wanted to scream at him to find a way to not go.

"I'll hold you to that," I said, "Until then?"

"Yeah, until then."

I hung up the phone and sank into a chair at the kitchen table and let my head fall into my hands and wept. I didn't hear Joanie come in and barely took notice when she told me there was smoke rolling out of the oven. I guess I didn't smell it either. I think I heard her taking the burnt remains of dinner out of the oven but I can't be sure. I couldn't even lift my head to look at her. She pulled a chair over next to me and I guess I heard it scrape across the floor but it was as if it was a chair scraping a floor on the other side of a tunnel. I felt her hands on my face but it was like my skin was wrapped in cotton or something because I could only barely register the pressure. She turned my head to hers and I could see her tears flowing in reaction to seeing mine.

"Talk to me, James, please," she begged.

"Kid's going."

"Going?" she asked, "Going whe-oh no, not-he's being deployed?"

I nodded. I remember little of that night. I know Joanie held me for a while and neither one of us cared at all about the ruined dinner. We apparently lost our appetites once we heard the news. Somehow I ended up in bed and in Joanie's arms. I gripped her back as tight as I could. It suddenly seemed extra important to hold tight to those I loved and never let them go.

* * *

><p><strong>I know we saw this coming like a freight train...didn't make it any harder to write.-J<strong>


	58. Chapter 58

I have to tell you that I was like the walking dead for a few days until I was able to settle into sort of a begrudging coexistence with my brother being sent off to a war zone on the other side of the world. I didn't know then nearly what I know about Vietnam now and I'm damned grateful for that. My dread and worry would have been so bad I don't think I could have functioned at all. Joanie sort of held me up for a week or so and I don't just mean that figuratively. I think for me it was close to what she must have felt when she got the news about Aaron when he was on the freedom rides.

I must have apologized to Joanie about a thousand times for being so weak and helpless but she just shushed that talk right away. I prayed a lot too. I prayed for him, for his safety. I prayed for Lou and the kids too and I prayed plenty for me as well. It felt a little selfish but I figured if I couldn't admit to God that I couldn't make it if Kid died over there then I couldn't talk to anyone at all.

Eventually I couldn't sulk anymore. It didn't stop the fear or the feeling of dread but the fact was I had family around me that needed things and I had a job to go to. I had my office all set up in plenty of time but that didn't mean I felt anymore ready to handle all those kids looking to me for answers that I felt less and less like I had. I learned in time to treasure the not knowing. We never do know the answers and most of the time we aren't any too clear on the questions. Remembering that is pretty damned important when we're dealing with kids. It helps get things in the right perspective and keep focused on what the kids need and not shoving what we want for them down their throats. I did learn in time it wasn't about giving them answers but helping them ask the right questions and knowing they'd find the answers on their own.

I still was shaky in the job at first and it didn't help that Jesse was still feeling like an outsider in his own home half the time. I was able to chat a bit with Sam one day.

"How are you doing with Jesse?" I asked.

"Did Emma tell you to ask?" he sort of snapped, "I'm trying."

"Whoa," I said holding up my hands, "I'm asking because I feel responsible. What's going on?"

"The kid hates me," he said defeated. I know it bugged him. He really prided himself on being pretty good with people and younger people especially. He always had a good rapport with kids.

I tried really hard not to laugh but I couldn't entirely help it.

"You think that's funny?" he asked angrily, "I care about that boy, Jimmy. I really do. We didn't take him in just because Emma fell in love with him. I really care about him. If I could get the chance I'd probably see him like a son. He hates me and that's funny?"

"No, what's funny is that he said the same thing about you," I said, "He thinks you hate him and don't want him there. I knew he was wrong. You couldn't hate a child. I figured you were just having trouble making that connection."

He ran a hand through his hair and down over his face.

"Is it even possible to make that connection with him?"

"It is," I replied, "But it's hard, especially if you're a man."

"It's because of the job, isn't it?" he asked, "Cops killed his friend. His brother's locked up."

"I really don't think that's it," I said honestly, "He has a harder time trusting men. His mom didn't protect him but she never beat him either. Men did and I don't think that's all men did to him either. I'm still not inside the wall enough with him to know all that happened but his body language sometimes and a couple other things make me think that something else might have happened."

"My God," he said and I wasn't sure if he looked defeated, heartbroken or furious. "How can I talk to him?"

"Remember how you talked to Joanie after Stan?" I asked and he nodded. "Whether it was just beatings or something else too, he's the same kind of victim she was. The same rules will apply. Emma's great, Sam but he's going to need a man in his life, a man he can trust. I had Al and he does too but you can be the one thing neither one of us really had, a dad. You can be a real dad that lives there and does all those dad things."

"I want to be his dad, Jimmy," he said and I didn't see Sam show much outward emotion but he was close to brimming over right about then. "I really do. He's a good kid and I'd be proud to call him son."

"You might want to try telling him that."

I think things got a little better after that but it was still strained. Sometimes even when people want to connect it's hard and more often than not, the more you want to connect, the harder it is and they were putting a lot of pressure on themselves.

Once I got myself a little more free of my own funk I became aware that Joanie was in one of her own. School started for her and I admit I hadn't even taken notice of how she was doing with it.

"Is something bothering you, sweetie?" I asked her one day while we were fixing some supper. I did always try to help so the pressure of cooking never fell all on one of us or the other.

"No," she said and then looked at me before the air seemed to go out of her, "Yes. I don't really know and then if there is I don't know what exactly."

"I've been kind of self absorbed lately," I said trying to apologize.

"It's not you," she said, "I think it might be nearly everyone else though."

I looked at her hands and she was twirling the point of a paring knife against the tip of her index finger. I was momentarily grateful that I couldn't remember the last time I had sharpened the knives. I didn't want to make any sudden moves but I reached over slowly and lifted the knife from her hand. She was still sort of staring into space. I put my hands on her shoulders and nudged her to the table where I could get her sat down. I kissed the side of her face and that was the first notice she took of me.

"No," she said, "I should get back to dinner."

"I can finish up," I said, "It's not hard. I forgot you have a lot on your plate right now. I should be helping more."

"James," she said, "It's not any of that. I'm having a good time at school. I think it's the first time I've felt good about school. I really think I can do this."

"I know you can," I agreed, "So it's not me and it's not school, what is it?"

"I guess I'm worrying too much," she told me, "Jesse's struggling and Kid's going away and Lou and Theresa are scared for him and there's something not right with Buck and Carol."

"I already told you Carol's scared about the baby," I tried to soothe her, "Besides, you remember when she was expecting Lisa, she gets a little moody when she's pregnant, more so than Annie."

"I sometimes wonder how you're as good at your job as you are," she said, "There's something else going on and it's not coming from her. Well, maybe partly it is but he's pulled away from her. When she was pregnant with Lisa, he was always right there with an arm around her or rubbing her back or trying to make her more comfortable. He'll get her something if she asks but it's like he's trying to stay away from her."

"I think you're imagining things," I said. I just couldn't fathom that she was right that Buck would try avoiding his own wife while she was pregnant with his child.

"I thought so too at first but I don't think I am," she told me, "And even if I am then there's still Jesse to think about. And Judy's still seeing Dan."

"Honey," I said, "Judy's a big girl and Dan wouldn't dare do anything to hurt Judy. Put aside that his own father would be furious with him, I made sure he knew he'd have to deal with me if he hurt her."

"I still don't like it," she grumbled, "He's had a few girlfriends and I think he's slept with at least one of them."

"I'd slept with other girls before you," I reminded her.

"That's different," she argued, "You were eighteen and so was I."

"Actually when we slept together I was nineteen and I slept with other girls long before I was eighteen. You know that."

"But Judy's only seventeen."

"Closer to eighteen," I said, "And Dan's what twenty?"

She sighed.

"There's more going on than your sister's potential sex life," I noted, "I'm going to keep bugging you until you tell me."

"It better just be potential," she said under her breath and was about to say something else but I cut her off.

"Wait," I said, "You think they already did it?"

"He better not have," she said angrily, "I won't wait for you to kill him. I'll do it myself."

"Joanie, calm down," I said rubbing her shoulders, "You couldn't think she'd stay a virgin forever."

I said the words but as much to myself as to her. I got over her kissing Dan Shapiro. They could kiss all they wanted. They could kiss until their lips got numb and fell off for all I cared but I was not alright with little Judy having sex. Oh, go ahead and call me a hypocrite. Tell me about double standards. All I can say is that in my mind she was still little thirteen year old Judy to me and I was still willing myself not to track down that Rich guy for having the nerve to touch her boobs, even if it was over the shirt only.

"So what is Billy like? I mean really like?"

"Hold your horses there," I said and I swear I was joking, at least partly. "We've been married all of three months and you're scoping out my friends?"

"James," she said and she was clearly not in the mood to joke. "Sherry hasn't dated many guys. She intimidates most of them I think. She's gone out a few times with Billy and I want to well, I guess look out for her. I mean she's not that innocent but he's well, you know."

"He's fascinated by her," I said, "But I need to talk to him about something else too. Just to make sure of something. I have a suspicion that if he lets himself he might find he's ready to stick with just one girl for the long haul and I think too that Sherry might just be the one to make him see that."

"I hope so," she said, "It would be very difficult if I had to hate one of your closest friends."

"Your sister's social life, Buck and Carol and now Sherry and Billy," I said, "You're still not telling me what's bothering you. It's something bigger than worrying for everyone's romantic well-being."

"It's nothing, really," she said.

"I majored in Psychology, remember?"

"I just," she said and I know she was trying to find another way to put off telling me.

"You're afraid," I said as the light dawned on me, "You're scared of me or how I'll react."

"Yes," she admitted looking down. I reached a hand under her chin and tilted her head up so I could meet her eyes.

"Sweetheart, I love you," I said, "I don't know exactly what you're afraid I'll do but I promise I'll surprise you if you give me a chance."

"You won't understand," she said.

"But I'll try."

The tears started forming in her eyes. I was starting to feel some fear myself I had all sorts of frightening ideas of what she might tell me.

"It's, well, it's just that Bubbe's been very ill," she said allowing the tears to fall, "She wasn't well at the wedding and she's getting worse. I think she's dying."

I pulled her to me and held her tight. I might have never gotten along with the old woman but she was my Joanie's grandmother after all and the only grandparent that Joanie still had left.

"It's alright," I said in her ear, "I'm here. We'll get through this."

"You don't even like her."

"I don't agree with her," I said, "But I know she loves you so we have that in common."

"I know she was always mean to you," she sobbed.

"Lots of people are mean to me," I reminded her, "The only problem I had was when she was cruel to you."

I just held her and kept rubbing her back.

Bubbe's death wasn't imminent and I had months of visiting her with Joanie to look forward to. It was never pleasant but then I wasn't there for Bubbe.

A few days after our little talk Joanie and I decided to borrow some kids and go to the zoo. Detroit has a pretty nice zoo and I had never been to it at that point. Joanie said I should before it got too cold for some of the animals. I told her I felt silly being a grown man and going to a zoo so she suggested that we borrow some children. Carol was getting big by then and even a sweet girl like Lisa was enough to wear her out so we thought we'd give her a day off and then poor Annie. Well that woman had no time to herself at all. She was always taking Timmy to one specialist or another and Karen was still real small so that was a lot of work. This was a Saturday so Ike was home and we thought maybe they'd like some time together that wasn't all about taking care of two kids. So we packed the little darlings up in the car and went to see the animals.

Lisa was quieter than normal that day. I mean she was always a sort of quiet child anyway but she didn't even look all that excited to see the animals. Joanie kept trying to engage her while I drove.

"Lisa," she said brightly, "What's your favorite animal?"

"Giraffes," Lisa said so quiet we could barely hear her.

"Those are very interesting animals," Joanie agreed hoping it would spur her on to talk more but it didn't. Joanie gave me a look filled with 'I told you so's' and I just nodded. She was right, there was something going on with Buck and Carol. But still how much of it was my business was still up for debate.

We got to the zoo and first up were the monkeys. Timmy came to life right about then and started jumping up and down and making a motion like he was scratching his armpits. People were looking at us strange and I don't know why because he couldn't have been the first three year old boy to get excited over seeing monkeys and lots of kids imitate animals but then the noises he made weren't typical because he couldn't hear himself.

"That's right, Timmy," I said and signed along as best as I could, "Those are monkeys."

Yeah people looked at me mighty strange for making the same motion but who the hell cares. That kid was doing amazing. Only three and he had a vocabulary to rival any other kid his age and probably larger than most. He was a real bright kid. He just couldn't say those words he knew the same way most other kids could.

"Oh look," Joanie called signing as she did. It was a habit we had to get into when we were around Timmy. We never only spoke or only signed, always both. Eventually he could read lips and he had the easiest time with those of us he grew up around. We were most familiar and he understood our nuances better. "See, the hippos?" She tucked her first three fingers into her palms of both hands so her thumbs and pinkies were sticking out and brought them together a few times. It was a new sign for Timmy. We had been to the library looking up books to find signs for all the animals we would see that day.

Timmy mimicked it and then pointed at the hippos with a smile. Pretty soon all of us were signing hippos and even Karen in her stroller was trying her best to imitate what we did.

"Uncle Jimmy," Lisa said softly tugging on my jacket.

I crouched down to her, "What is it Lisa?"

"I want to show Timmy the lions and tigers," she said and she was so somber. Her dad being closest in the world to his dad made the two of them even closer than the cousins they often considered themselves to be. She usually looked at him like a little brother. She was a few months older and she never seemed to forget that fact. She moved her hands around, "I don't know how to make the signs."

"Well, for tiger you move your hands across your face like you're showing the stripes there and lion is showing the mane. You move your hand back from your forehead toward your neck over your hair like you're combing through your mane with your fingers."

"Look Timmy," she said with the first smile I had seen from her that whole day, "Over there; lions and tigers."

She signed effortlessly and smiled even wider when he smiled at her and started looking for the big cats too. We had a good time and taught the kids whatever signs they didn't know. Lisa still seemed withdrawn to me. I shared a look with Joanie and she walked ahead with the others as they went to see the rhinos.

"I think we should get some ice cream, Lisa," I said placing a hand on her head, "How about you?"

She nodded and it was the saddest nod I'd seen. When you can't even get a kid to smile over the prospect of ice cream, you know there's something seriously wrong.

I ordered us up a couple of cones and found a bench to sit down on.

"What's the matter, Lisa?"

She shrugged and shook her little pig's tails back and forth and licked at her ice cream. The shrug, it really does start early.

"You look sad today? Don't you like the animals?"

All I got was another shrug. She was a tougher nut to crack than the kids at school.

"We missed you last week at dinner," I said trying a different route, "Were you at your grandma and grandpa's?"

"Me and mommy," she nodded raising those striking blue eyes to me.

"Daddy wasn't with you?" I asked. Buck had a new job and he didn't work weekends anymore.

"Nope," she said, "No Daddy. Daddy's mad."

"Mad?" I asked. I don't think I'd ever seen the man angry with too much of anything. I'd seen scared and hurt and protective but never angry. My mind flew to his fears before proposing to Carol. He had been so frightened of turning into the brute his father had been. I tried to push it away. He was too gentle to turn into that but then we were learning a lot about genetics right then.

She nodded, "Mommy's mad too."

"How mad?"

"They yell a lot," she said. That wasn't good and it made me feel bad for the girl and for Buck but no one was getting hit so that was good anyway.

"Mommy has a baby in her tummy," she said.

"I know that," I told her, "You're going to be a big sister in a few months just like Timmy's a big brother to little Karen."

"The baby makes Daddy mad."

I would like to have asked more but Lisa finished her ice cream and hopped off the bench.

"I want to see the penguins," she said taking my hand and pulling it.

* * *

><p><strong>So yeah...lots going on in this chapter. Well, learning some sign language was fun...I can say lots of animals in ASL now...youtube is a godsend! <strong>

**So last night was the annual multi-cultural interfaith party at my house. It was the first night of Chanukkah and we had a houseful. It was wonderful and love filled with lots of laughter and food and merriment. Sometimes we need to be reminded that our riches don't lie in the car we drive or the house we live in or the balance on our bank account. Those are meaningless compared to the love of family and good friends. Still a busy week for me trying to get my baking finished (ugh!) and such before christmas and comtinuing to light the candles every night. I love it. I did take today off though...after making an epic peppermint stick cheesecake and a double batch of latkes yesterday I needed to sit in my pj's all day and do next to nothing. Tomorrow it is back to work making this holiday as festive as I am able. I'll probably post up more before Christmas but for all of you who might be lighting a menorah now, Happy Canukkah! And for my lovelies who are observing it, have a lovely solstice!-J**


	59. Chapter 59

"She did what?" I demanded not believing what I had been told. I was on the porch at Al and Emma's with Al, Sam and Jesse.

"She fainted," Jesse said, "Last night bringing popcorn into the living room while we were watching TV."

"She said she was okay when she came to," Sam said but he didn't look convinced.

"How is she today?" I asked.

"She looks pale and a little too weak," Sam answered, "Finally talked her into calling the doctor tomorrow."

"Good thing too," Jesse said, "She's not eating either."

"For how long?" I asked him.

"Couple weeks, I guess," he replied.

I stalked off into the house. It wasn't that I didn't trust Sam and Jesse to take care of her. You'd be hard pressed to find two men who thought more of her or loved her more but I needed to see her myself. When I got to the kitchen Joanie was prodding Emma to sit down.

"I'm more than capable of stirring gravy and mashing potatoes, Emma," Joanie said.

"But you're a guest," Emma protested trying to stand. Joanie gently placed her hands on Emma's shoulders and pushed her back into the chair.

"Nonsense," Joanie said, "We're family. You sit and supervise and I'll be your little worker bee."

She looked up and spotted me.

"James," she said, "Would you please get your mother a glass of water and convince her to sit down. She's looking awfully woozy."

I got Emma a glass of water and sat down next to her.

"You're shaky, Emma," I noted, "Jesse and Sam said you fainted last night."

"I'll be fine, Jimmy," she said but there was a waver in her voice. "They're making me go to the doctor tomorrow."

"Well, good," I said, "You're looking far too pale."

"I am fine and I am fully capable of cooking a Sunday dinner," Emma protested but then wilted back in the chair when she tried to get up again."

"Jesse says you've been feeling bad for a couple weeks now," I said, "Why haven't you seen a doctor?"

"Because it's nothing, Jimmy," she said, "I am perfectly fine."

"Well fine or not," Joanie said, "I'm finishing dinner and you are sitting right there. I'll drive you tomorrow too. If you're feeling lightheaded you shouldn't be driving."

Emma rolled her eyes but knew she was outnumbered and that we were willing to call in reinforcements if we had to. Sam and Jesse would back us up for sure. I made sure that Joanie had everything under control and told her to call me if she needed help. I've never been accused of being any kind of chef but I can find my way around a kitchen alright. Then I went out to the porch to sit with the men and shoot the breeze a little. I think Sundays were the best days for Jesse and Sam. They wanted to get along so badly but they just didn't know how when left to their own devices but when Al and I were there suddenly everything sort of fit into place for them. I was barely sat down when Buck's car came to a stop in front of the house. I saw the back door of the car open and Lisa ran toward me. No one else in the car seemed to move for a while.

"Uncle Jimmy!" Lisa hollered climbing the porch steps and hugging herself to my leg. I picked her up onto my lap and saw the tears rolling down her chubby little cheeks. Well, there's not much to be done then but hold onto her. So I hugged that little girl tight to me and then the two front doors of the car opened and out waddled a very pregnant Carol from the passenger side and Buck's head became visible over the other side of the car.

"Well, I'm staying where I am," I heard Buck yell at her. "If you want to run to Mommy that's just fine."

"Maybe I just will!" she screamed back at him. "At least people like me there!"

"Just do what the hell you want," he hollered, "You're damned good at that!"

"Yeah, that's just what we'll do!"

"We?" he yelled and right then was madder than I had ever seen him. Joanie appeared at my side and I didn't protest at all when she lifted Lisa from my arms. I knew she wanted to get the poor child away from the argument. It was a good plan and one I should have thought of myself.

"Who the hell is this 'we'?" he nearly screamed at her, "She's my daughter too, remember? You do what the hell you want but you are not going to keep taking my little girl with you! I'm sick of being the one punished for what you did!"

"Fine!" she stomped as she yelled it, "I'm leaving!"

Buck stormed toward the house and Al and I both jumped up to head him off. I took one look at Jesse who was nearly curled into a ball in his seat and then at Sam who had just noticed the same thing and leaned over to speak softly to the boy. They might just be alright after all.

Al and I reached Buck before he got to the porch.

"Son," Al began, "What in tarnation was that all about?"

"None of your business, Al," Buck said through gritted teeth.

"Let's you and me go for a walk, Buck," I said quietly.

"I have to go in and see to Lisa," he said and fire still shone in his eyes.

"Lisa's with Joanie," I said, "She's fine. You don't really want her to see you like this right now, do you? Just walk with me."

Buck relented and stalked off ahead of me. I let him walk a few feet in front of me for a while and said nothing, just watched him. After a few blocks I saw his shoulders slump. He stopped and then turned.

"I think it's over, Jimmy," he said and he looked heartbroken, "I don't think I can try anymore. Do you think Joanie's dad or someone in his office can help me get Lisa? I can't live like this anymore but I don't want to lose my little girl."

"What about the baby?" I asked.

"Let its father worry about it."

Well, that explained a hell of a lot.

"It's not yours?"

"Probably not, oh hell, I don't know," he said, "She says she thinks it is but I don't know how she could know one way or the other."

"What in the hell happened?"

"She cheated Jimmy," he said.

"I got that part," I told him, "I mean what happened? Did she say why? Did she tell you?"

"She thought I was having an affair," he said bitterly, "Me, Jimmy. My whole life I've been with one woman ever. All that time never wanted anyone but her. I'm gone all the time making money to keep a roof over her head and food on the table and she accuses me of cheating. So she says she wanted to get back at me and besides she was lonely because I wasn't home so much. We used to fight all the time about the hours I worked. I got the new job and then she wasn't as interested in being with me. Seems she decided she liked the guy she slept with to get back at me for supposedly sleeping around. She found out she was pregnant and was acting really funny about it and she told me it was because she was worried something would be wrong with the baby. It wasn't until after her lover—God, I can't even believe I just used that word, she's my damned wife—but her lover broke it off and away went her thoughts of him whisking her off to wherever so they could live happily ever after so she came clean to me. She knows that this kid might not look a thing like me."

"Is there a chance it's yours?" I asked.

"Anything's possible," he said and he leaned against a tree as the strength seemed to go out from him.

"Does she want out?"

"She says she still loves me," he said, "That she sees how wrong she was and what a good man I am. It's BS. If she loved me she wouldn't have done this. Of all the people in the world she's the last I would have figured to start whoring around."

I had to agree to that. Carol always actually seemed a little too proper almost. I surely never in a million years would have thought she'd be unfaithful. This was heavy and my good friend was near to tears over it which meant he still loved her. I hated what I had to ask next but I really had to anyway.

"Lisa says you and Carol fight a lot which is understandable under the circumstances," I began, "I hate asking but I have to and I think you know that one some level. Have these fights gone past yelling?"

"She threw a plate at me once," he said, "Lisa was with Annie and Ike and the kids, thank God. It scares me though, Jimmy because I've wanted to hit her more than once. I really have but you know I don't want to turn into that guy that hits his wife and makes his kids see that."

"I know," I said and put a hand on his shoulder, "You are a good man. So she's been at her folks' a lot, huh?"

"Yeah," he said, "And that's the worst of it. It's not even just that she takes Lisa with her and I don't get to see my little girl for days on end but how can we even try to work through this if she's gone all the time? How can I believe she still loves me when she's always running away from me?"

"Would she agree to counseling?" I asked.

"Like a shrink?" he looked at me like I was the one that needed one. "I don't think she'd agree to that."

"Not really a shrink," I said, "It's one of the things social workers can do. You get to be in a room with someone who's impartial and where the only rules are that everyone gets to talk and be respected."

"Can you do that?"

"I know how but I can't for you," I said, "I said you need someone impartial for that and I'm not. You're my brother and I like Carol fine and I'd like to see you guys get past this. I know that still might not save your marriage but yelling all the time like that is bad for Lisa and I think you both know that. I know some people. It doesn't have to be in an office, it can be at your home, whatever is comfortable."

"I can talk to you though, right?"

"You're my brother," I told him, "Another unofficially adopted child of Emma's. You can talk to me any time and about anything."

"Well, that will tick her off again," he said, "It was bad enough when I told Ike. But I had to tell someone and I don't have folks like she does."

"I know," I said, "You know what else is kind of cool about talking to me?" He shook his head. "Not only would I be bound to keeping your secrets because we're friends and damned near brothers but I can't tell because of my profession as well."

"Not even Joanie?"

"Not even Joanie," I confirmed.

"Do you think any of the lawyers at her dad's could help?"

"Buck," I said, "I don't know what you're going through but I don't think you really want a divorce and I think you've got some options before you do that. I think that's a last resort."

"I still love her," he said looking frail. That was another thing I'd never seen him be. Buck was always such a stoic. He never seemed too high or too low. Right then though he just looked raw.

"Somehow you'll get through this," I said, "You're stronger than you think."

"I might need you to remind me of that from time to time."

"Nope," I said, "You don't need me to. Take out your wallet."

"What, you're charging me?" he asked digging his wallet out of his back pocket.

I shook my head taking it from him and opening it. I was right about what I'd find first thing upon opening it.

"Just making you see the only thing you need to get through this."

I handed it back opened to the picture of Lisa smiling with her perfect dark curls and her sparkly blue eyes. I could see the tears starting to form in his eyes as he took his wallet back and stared at the picture a moment. He sighed heavily before putting the wallet away. I saw a lot of parents in my time working with kids that wouldn't have been moved by that and that's sad to say but I knew my friend Buck and I knew that there was no greater motivation in his life than that precious child. If only all the kids I met had parents that loved them as deeply and purely as Buck loved Lisa, well, I guess I would have been out of a job but I would have been glad to have been. Sometimes it's nice to be needed but sometimes you wish you weren't.

We wandered back to Emma's talking about anything but Buck and Carol's problems. I told him how impressed I was with how quick she picked up the signs.

"She loves Timmy," he explained, "And she hates thinking for a second that he'll be left out of anything so she makes sure she can talk to him always."

We walked in as dinner was being set on the table.

"About time the two of you showed up," Billy said when he saw us, "I think Emma was about to send us out to search for you."

"Well wouldn't it just be a tragedy, Billy," I said, "If your stomach had to wait."

"Now you know I'm not thinking about myself, Jimmy," he said, "But I don't think the lady here has had anything to eat yet today."

"Your chivalry is overwhelming, Will," Sherry said dryly, "Keep it up and I might just get the vapors."

"You're here now," Emma said, "So we should eat."

We all sat down and Jesse was right, Emma barely touched what was on her plate. It appeared that even looking at the food made her stomach turn. I was grateful she was going to the doctor the next day.

"Will," Sherry said annoyed, "I am perfectly capable of dishing my own food. Honestly, I've managed to not waste to nothing for twenty-two years."

"I know, Sherry," he said looking contrite. This was surely a day of firsts for me because I wasn't even sure that before meeting Sherry Billy even knew the meaning of the word contrite. I could see changes in him when he was with her. Good changes, the kind of changes that happen when we finally grow up; that was it after all, we were finally seeing the man Billy was meant to be and I think even the man he wanted to be. I always knew I liked Sherry. He'd have to do a little breaking through her armor though. She had built up a good wall to have accomplished what she had being a woman in a man's field. As much as I appreciated her no nonsense attitude, Billy was going to have to find what all she had hidden behind that wall and it wasn't going to be an easy feat.

"Don't pout, Will," she said caving just a tiny amount, "I know you're just trying to be sweet."

"Aww, but Sherry," he protested, "You're nicer to me when I pout."

He leaned over and kissed her and I think the kiss threatened to become less than table appropriate but for Emma loudly clearing her throat.

"William Cody!" she chastised, "Not at the dinner table!"

"Sorry Emma," Billy said returning his attention to his plate while Sherry smirked.

* * *

><p><strong>Lots going on here...hmmm...let's just see what you all think, okay?-J<strong>


	60. Chapter 60

That was easily the most uncomfortable dinner we ever had. Jesse was as far from Buck as he could get and sitting right next to Sam sort of leaning toward the man. As much as it upset me how easily frightened Jesse still was, it did my heart some good that it was Sam Jesse looked at to protect him. Sam was sort of glaring at Buck and I felt bad for Buck but I really understood what was happening. I think I saw Sam and Jesse's relationship come together right then. Not that it was all sunshine and lollipops from then on or anything. Jesse was a very wounded young man and still took a lot of patience and they weren't through with being thrown for loops but I think there was the beginnings of each of them feeling what they wanted to feel and what they wanted the other one to feel about them.

Buck wasn't taking a whole lot of notice of Jesse or Sam and I was kind of grateful of that since it would have just made him feel bad. He was trying to just focus on Lisa but I could see the angry looks he was shooting at Billy and Sherry. Those two were adorable even though she was a snippy thing, it was obvious they were falling for each other and weren't taking their time about it either. When things are going sour in your own life, it's easy to resent the good in someone else's. I know Buck wanted to be happy for Billy. We all wanted Billy to find someone but right then it sort of felt to Buck like his nose was getting rubbed in what he didn't have any more. Billy of course was oblivious because I was the only one at the table besides Buck who knew the whole story. Ike and Annie were at something with her family that day. Something with her sister or one of her sister's kids or something.

Emma was feeling the tension the same as we all were but she was already not feeling well and it was taking a toll on her right before us. Jesse took notice of it about when I did and I saw him get twice as scared as he'd been. Sam looked up and saw what we saw and shot a glare at Buck who, for him was the source of the discomfort at the table. I caught Joanie's eye and motioned her to follow my lead. We got up and went to Emma's place at the table. I crouched down.

"I know you like to think you're invincible," I said softly in her ear, "But you're not well and you're scaring the boy."

She looked to Jesse and I could tell it near to broke her heart to see him that frightened.

"He needs Sam right now which is a good thing," I continued, "But you need to get some rest."

She nodded and I helped her stand.

"Are you alright Emma?" Buck asked suddenly concerned and I answered before Sam could say something he or maybe even all of us would regret.

"She's been feeling poorly lately," I said, "Joanie and I are going to get her up to bed for a little rest."

Emma made it a couple steps before her legs wobbled. I caught her and lifted her so that I could carry her the rest of the way up the stairs with Joanie right on my heels. I got her to her room and set her on the bed.

"The dishes," she started to protest.

"Emma, you've got two capable women and a bunch of strapping men down there," Joanie reasoned, "Somehow the dishes will get done and put away."

I looked up to see that Sherry had followed us up the stairs.

"You are seeing a doctor soon, right?" Sherry asked Emma.

"Tomorrow," Emma nodded.

"When you say feeling poorly, what does that mean?" Sherry looked very concerned. She was like that, she just took to people and she had a strong respect and affection for Emma.

"I've been dizzy and lightheaded and haven't felt too much like eating," Emma began, "And when I do try to eat it just turns my stomach. I can't keep anything down and I fainted last night."

"Do you have any pain?"

"Sometimes a little right here," Emma put her hand over her lower abdomen.

"Emma," Sherry began looking at me uncertainly and I got scared. It's not like Sherry was a doctor or anything but she knew a lot about Biology and things like that. I trusted her opinions a great deal. "When was the last time you had your monthly visitor?"

"It's been a couple months," Emma admitted, "But then I'm pretty sure I'm starting my change."

"You're a little young to be starting menopause," Sherry said, "It's possible but less likely than the other thing it sounds like."

"Which is?" I asked.

"I could be wrong and the doctor should check you all out to be sure it isn't something entirely different but it sounds like you could be pregnant."

Emma just stared at Sherry blankly like the words had just been so much gibberish. I figured that was my cue to leave. Sherry followed me out sensing that Emma needed to digest things. I think I heard Sherry mutter something about making tea. She acted like she felt bad for having said anything but I was hoping she was right. I had been real worried for Emma and this would be something good and maybe something to make her happy. I know she wanted another child from the time she lost her Edward and I know she and Sam had tried for a child of their own.

Sherry and I could hear yelling as we descended the stairs.

"I said," I heard Buck's voice, "Get out now before she's whoring it around town."

"I don't know what's gotten into you," Billy answered him, "But I'm going to pretend I didn't hear that."

I turned and saw Sherry's face that said she would never un-hear that. I wasn't sure which emotion was winning in her battle between hurt and angry. I would have taken more time to console her, she didn't deserve that after all but then I heard a chair tip back as Sam stood.

"I'm not," Sam bellowed, "You come in here yelling, scaring Jesse half to death, driving Emma to a sick bed, not that you owe her anything for all she's done for you, and now you're insulting someone who's supposed to be a friend good enough to be a brother and you're insulting a nice girl. She's watched your daughter for God's sake, Buck!"

Sherry and I were just getting to the dining room and could see Buck and Sam nearly bumping chests, fists clenched. Billy was trying to get between them.

"Guys, we can talk," Billy was saying before Sam grabbed Buck's shirt and Buck pulled his fist back. Now in some world where the people were actors who were going to go for coffee after the director yells cut, this might have been funny but these were my friends, my family and this wasn't humorous at all. Buck's fist connected squarely with Billy's jaw. Everything froze except for poor Billy who was powerless right then against gravity. He sank and Sherry screamed. Now I will tell you her scream was no helpless damsel's scream. It was filled with rage and she flew at Buck before I could get to her. He grabbed her arms to try to protect himself all the while looking completely stunned at what he'd just done. I wasn't sure I'd ever seen him punch anyone and certainly he never would have hit anyone he cared for before.

A steady string of cussing was flying from Sherry's mouth as he hit at him and then just as suddenly as she had hurled herself at him, she pulled away and dropped to her knees next to Billy to see if he was alright.

"Will," she said softly and there was not a hint of the wild angry creature she had just been. "Are you okay baby?"

Buck took a step toward and opened his mouth I'm pretty sure to apologize.

"Get the hell away from him!" she shrieked at him. Billy opened his eyes at that and she set to fussing over him.

I just stood there. I wasn't sure where to begin and then I noticed the missing people from the dining room. Buck seemed to take notice at the same time.

"Where's Lisa?" he said panicked. He was going to explode if he didn't calm down some.

"Don't worry," I said, "She's probably wherever Al and Jesse are and be grateful she didn't just see that. You stay here and work things out with Sam, if you think you two can talk like grownups. I'll find the others."

I paused before heading out of the house.

"Is he okay, Sherry?" I asked looking down at where she still knelt next to Billy.

"Yeah, I think so," she answered with more fear in her voice than I knew she was comfortable with.

"Buck, get some ice for his jaw," I said and I saw Sherry start to object, "It really is the least he can do."

I went out to find the kids and I had a couple ideas where I'd find them. I made it to the porch before I realized Sam was following me. I whirled on him. I understood everyone's feelings but I wasn't in the mood to be nice about how they had acted.

"You're worried about Emma and Jesse?" I half yelled. Okay, it was a full yell, I admit it. "Work this out. It's the best thing you can do for them."

I stalked off the porch and headed for Al's. I figured he'd probably take the kids there. He could surely see where things were headed in that dining room and would have cleared the younger ones out. I tapped on his front door and it didn't take too long for him to open it.

"Sorry about running off with the youngsters," he said, "I figured they didn't need to see whatever was about to happen and there wasn't no one to tell where I was taking them."

"You're pretty predictable for such an eccentric old man."

He stepped back and let me in where I found Jesse and Lisa hunched over a coloring book.

"That's real good, Lisa," Jesse was saying as he looked at what she was coloring, "I think you're right, pigs should be blue. They look nicer that way."

"Hey guys," I said.

"Hi Uncle Jimmy," Lisa said with a smile that said Al had been successful in getting her out of there before she saw too much. "Want to see my picture?"

"Sure sweetheart," I said kneeling down to see what she'd been working on and yes, the pigs were blue but they did look kind of nice. "Those are some really special pigs."

"Jesse colors better," she said and I looked at the opposite page in the coloring book where Jesse had stayed so carefully in the lines it was almost painful. You know you can tell worlds about a child by drawings and I've found over the years sometimes you can tell just as much by how they color. Everything was the correct color and everything neat and tidy.

"Jesse's been coloring longer," I said, "I really like your picture though."

She smiled at me and went back to coloring. I think there were some ducks about ready to become purple.

"Jesse, can I talk to you a minute?"

"Sure, Jimmy," he answered and we went to the next room where Lisa couldn't hear.

"You know Buck wasn't going to hurt you, right?"

"My dad used to get that look and then the men mom brought around got it too," he said with a haunted look I knew only too well. "Men are dangerous when they look like that."

"Buck's hurting right now," I said, "It's not anyone else's business why but he's hurting real bad. He's kind of feeling like the world is out to get him. Hurt like that makes people say things they don't mean."

"Is Sam okay?" Jesse asked.

"Yeah, Sam's fine," I said, "His fear for Emma and for you collided with Buck's hurt and almost got out of hand. Billy broke it up sort of."

Jesse's eyes were moist when he looked up at me.

"I'm real scared right now, Jimmy," he said, "Emma's sick and I think she's a lot more scared than she lets on. Sam's scared too but he's been good to me. I feel safe around him, like maybe he might even stick up for me. He says he wants to be a dad to me. He says he's proud to think of me as his son. What if something happens to Emma? What happens then?"

"First things first," I said, Sam means what he says and he isn't saying it to make Emma feel better. Sam's a man that's wanted a family and just had to wait longer than most to get a second chance at it. He'd do absolutely anything to keep you safe just like a father's supposed to do. Trust that, Jesse because you can take it to the bank. As for Emma, she's been through a lot in her time and you bring her joy like she hasn't known in far too long. That's got to count for something. And there's lots of things can make someone feel sick that aren't serious. She's going to the doctor and we'll just see what he has to say before we get our knickers in a twist."

It wasn't easy but I convinced him to come back home. I know he wasn't sure it was safe but he was old enough to start learning when to face your fears and that talking things out in a controlled environment could mend a lot of things.

I swung Lisa onto my hip and looked to make sure Jesse was trailing behind.

"Thanks for getting bringing them here, Al," I said as I headed for the door.

He just smiled at me. I did always know the man was smart but sometimes his instincts really caught me by surprise.

I headed next door to Emma and Sam's to see Buck pacing wildly on the porch. He jumped down the steps when he caught sight of me with Lisa but he didn't head straight for me like I thought he would. Instead he stopped a few feet in front of Jesse. I stayed there to make sure Jesse wasn't too scared and let Lisa down to run toward the porch where Joanie and Sherry were holding their arms open to her.

"Jesse," Buck started and he was looking at his feet a good deal of the time. "I know this won't mean much until I can show you I mean it but I am sorry. I don't want to be the guy who scares people. I don't want to be an angry or dangerous man. This is your home, Jesse and I made you feel scared in your own home. It doesn't sound like enough but all I can say is that I really am sorry."

Jesse looked uncertain and I know it did tear him up. He and Buck had always gotten on well. Finally the kid smiled and patted Buck on the back.

"You should talk to Jimmy more," he said, "That's what I do when I feel like I'm going crazy and don't know what to do. He's pretty good to talk to."

"Buck looked relieved and smiled himself, "Thanks for the tip. I'll have to remember that."

* * *

><p><strong>Nice family dinner...yikes...well, where I am it's officially Christmas by a half hour. I hope everyone's is merry and bright and that you are surrounded by those you love. Please be safe. May 2012 bring each of you wonderful things!-J<strong>


	61. Chapter 61

Buck collected Lisa and got ready to head for home.

"I want to apologize to Sherry and Billy but I'm a little scared of her," he told me.

"You probably ought to be," I said, "If she hadn't been so worried for Billy she'd have kicked your ass."

"I can't believe I said that," he said, "I can't believe I did that. What's happening to me, Jimmy? I'm not like that."

"You're hurting and you're scared and you're not acting yourself," I said trying to reassure him, "You should just go on home and spend some nice time with your little girl. She's got some neat ideas about what farm animals should look like."

"Blue pigs," he laughed, "I know. You should see what cows and horses look like."

"I think her world would be more fun," I said.

"What am I supposed to do about Sherry and Cody?" he asked suddenly getting serious, "He's one of my best friends and I punched him."

"Give it some time and space and then I think you could talk to them sometime," I said, "Don't push it. They'll get over it in time."

He didn't look so sure but then he nodded and I think taking my word for it was more agreeable at that moment than facing Sherry. She was still steaming mad and ready to take him out if he went near her. Buck left without incident and I went to see how Cody was doing. He was laying on the couch with Sherry leaning over him.

"Will, sweetie, does it hurt very badly?" she fussed.

"Only when I smile," he said sounding far more wounded than he was, "Or talk, or move."

"Still got that glass jaw, eh Billy?" I said and Sherry looked up. I think she wanted to spit some of her venom at me but then she furrowed her brow and just looked at me.

"With the way he mouths off you think this is the first time he's been cold cocked?"

Billy frowned at me, "It does still hurt though, Sherry."

She turned to him and kissed the swollen spot on his jaw.

I just rolled my eyes and found Joanie. I wanted to make sure Emma was going to be alright and then we would head out too. It seemed no one was at their best that day and heading for home seemed the best thing for all. I could see Sherry was about to get Billy up off the couch too. From the way she was holding him I figured he was going to have an evening that made the welt on his jaw worthwhile.

The next day I went to work and Joanie went to class. She only had morning classes that day and was headed over to Emma's after class to take Emma to the doctor. She promised to call once they knew anything so I think I was a little distracted that day. I got some paperwork done and saw a couple of kids but as I recall my day was mercifully light. I guess it was about two in the afternoon when the phone in my office rang. It was Joanie.

"James," she said and there was a note of panic in her voice. "Can you get away at all? The doctor is running some tests right now and she's terrified. I'm trying to calm her as best I can but she's just so scared."

I had no actual appointments that day and the kids weren't wandering in. I told the secretary I had a family emergency and took off. I got to the doctor's office and found Joanie in the waiting room.

"They have another test they want to do and Emma's just too much in shock," she said, "Please come. I don't think she's even hearing anything the doctor says."

"In shock?" I asked, "What's going on?"

I searched those dark brown eyes of hers and found nothing but tears threatening to form and that scared me. I didn't completely understand what kind of tears they were.

I followed Joanie into an exam room where Emma was on a table.

"Emma," I said taking her hand, "How are you feeling?"

"Alright I guess," she answered, "I don't understand what's going on though."

I turned to the doctor.

"What's this test for?" I asked him.

"I'm playing a hunch," he said, "I've already started another test but it takes a day to see results. This could confirm my guess without having to wait."

He laid Emma back onto the table and felt her belly and then wrote something down and then he took out this machine. He put some slimy looking something on her and started moving the machine around on her and it made these strange noises. I tried to keep expression off my face because those noises didn't sound normal but I'm no doctor so I didn't want to scare her if they were. Then the doctor hit this spot where there was a steady whoosh-whoosh sort of sound and he held the machine there and looked at his watch a moment as if timing the whooshes. Finally he smiled at Emma.

"I was right," he said almost triumphantly, "That is your baby's heartbeat."

He kept the little machine there for a few moments longer so that we could hear it a bit more and then pulled it away and gave her a towel to wipe off her belly. I pulled Emma to sitting and put an arm around her.

"I'm so happy for you Emma," I said, "Wait until you tell Sam. He's going to be beside himself he'll be so happy. And Jesse can quit worrying so much for you."

I looked up and faced the doctor.

"Her symptoms are all just normal pregnancy things, right?"

"They are," he said, "From what she told me, the worst should be over soon and you'll see her starting to put weight back on. She'll be due long about the end of May. I'll need to see her back here in a month."

He left us then and Joanie ran to the other side of Emma.

"Emma honey," she said, "This is what you wanted. It just came later than you expected."

"I gave up," Emma said still looking shocked, "I thought I couldn't. I thought it was too late."

"I know," I said, "But apparently it's not too late at all."

We finally got her out of there and back home. She wanted us to stay but I told her she should tell her family without us there. For once she was going to have the nice little family she dreamed of and it might as well start coming together right then.

Joanie and I headed home, still in separate cars and met back at the apartment. We put together dinner in silence and something was eating at Joanie.

"What's the matter, honey?" I asked.

"Emma," she said.

"What about Emma?" I asked, "I thought that was good news."

"It's very good news," she agreed, "It's just that I'm jealous and I feel bad about that."

"I know it's hard to keep delaying having babies while everyone else already has them," I said, "But we talked about this and you even said this is how you wanted to do it."

"I know I'm doing the right thing," she said, "It just doesn't make it any easier."

I nodded and stayed quiet for a while.

"I think I'm a little scared too," Joanie said out of nowhere.

"Of what?" I asked.

"Of being too old and not being able to have them when I finally get around to trying."

"Joanie," I said, "You're going to be all of twenty-five when you get that law degree. That's hardly too old. And you won't have to wait to establish yourself at a firm because you'll be working with your dad and uncles and they won't bat an eye if you have to take time off when a baby comes."

I stroked the side of her face and kissed her forehead.

"It's going to be fine," I said, "And all the practice we've had, we should be experts at how to make the little buggers. We should have you knocked up in no time once we get to trying."

She giggled at me.

"Well, you just know how to make a girl's heart go all a flutter, don't you."

"I do my best, ma'am," I said.

She looped her hands around my neck and pulled my head down to hers and kissed me and then whispered really soft and sultry in my ear, "I think maybe we need a little more practice. I wouldn't want to take any chances."

Well, I didn't need to be asked twice. I picked her up and carried her to the bedroom.

Later on while Joanie and I were snuggled up together the phone rang. I groaned and Joanie made to get up but I put a hand on her arm and hauled myself out of bed. I pulled some jeans on and shuffled my way to the kitchen to answer the phone. It was Sam.

"Hey Sam," I said, "Congratulations."

"Thanks Jimmy," he said, "It sure was some good news but that's not what I'm calling about."

"What's going on?" I asked, "Is Emma okay?"

"Yeah, yeah," he said, "I think she was still in a little shock when she told us but she's getting over that and now she just can't wipe the smile off her face. She went to bed early because she's still a little tired."

"That's good," I told him, "She was so taken by surprise I was a little worried for her."

"I can imagine," he agreed, "Anyway, I was about to head to bed myself and I went to check on Jesse and tell him goodnight and he wasn't in his room. I didn't want to worry Emma so I just went to find him myself. I know where he goes when he wants to be alone so I went over to the roof of the garage to tell him he needed to come home and get to bed. It's a school night, you know."

"So what happened?"

"I found him up there alright but he won't come home," he said and there was such pain in his voice that I felt the hurt too. "He won't talk to me. Yesterday he turned to me when he was scared and now he won't talk to me. He looked angry and so sad."

"I'll get him home," I said, "I promise I will."

I hung up and grabbed a shirt and my jacket.

"What's wrong?" Joanie asked tying her robe around her still nude body.

"It's Jesse," I said, "I need to go talk to him."

"Is he alright?"

"Probably not but I think he will be," I said, "Hope so anyway."

She wrapped her arms around me and kissed me deep enough to make me wish I could stay but I knew I couldn't. For so many reasons I had to go and talk to Jesse. Those reasons started with the commitment I had made to Jesse when I was still in school and had first met him. You earn the trust of a kid like him and you can't very well ever let them down or they might never give that trust to anyone else ever again. Of course there was the promise I had just made to Sam. That man had helped me so many times since I'd met him and he was a good man. I knew he was worried sick and just wanted his boy home. Nothing in this world breaks us the way our kids can. And finally I had to go for Emma. If she woke the next morning and Jesse wasn't there to make breakfast for, it would destroy her and I owed her far too much to ever allow that to happen.

I made it to the garage and headed up to the roof. Jesse was sitting there still as can be with his knees pulled up to his chest. At least part of that was because it was fall in Michigan and starting to get pretty chilly. The kid hadn't grabbed a jacket or anything when he left the house. Luckily I still had one afghan up there and I grabbed it on my way to where he was sitting staring at the lights on the Ambassador Bridge. I put the blanket around his shoulders and he jumped a little but then settled once he saw it was me.

"Did Sam call you?"

"You had to know he would," I said, "He's not going to wake Emma and worry her sick over you."

"I would've come home sometime before morning," he said, "I was just waiting until Sam went to bed."

"You don't know the first thing about parents, do you?" I asked, "He isn't going to go to bed until you're safe at home."

"They're not my parents," he said, "Not really. I know it and they know it and once they have the baby…"

He tried not to cry. He tried to show me a brave face, a face that showed courage he thought would make him more a man in my eyes than the frightened and hurt little boy he was He failed. The tears cut off whatever he might have been trying to say. I put my arms around him and held him tight. I let him cry a while. He wasn't only crying out his fears about the baby but the fact that he was in what he saw as such a tenuous situation in the first place. I know I've said before that kids should be able to take the love of parents for granted. The heartbreak of an adult is seeing a child who's never had that chance, who's always felt the love shown him was conditional and temporary.

I patted and rubbed his back until the tears slowed and I admit I cried a few of my own along with him. Memories of my own insecurities about Emma and Al and even Joanie flooded to me. I remember all the times I thought they would give up on me because Kid got the good grades and played a sport and didn't get arrested. I was certain Al would fire me or Emma would bar me from her home. The other boys at least tried to be worthy of what she gave them. I didn't understand then that the ones who seem least worthy of love are the ones who need it the most. I get it now and I did then when I was holding Jesse while he cried out fourteen years of hurt and rejection. I knew he had nothing to fear but I also knew where his fear came from.

"Jesse," I said, "There's lots of kids that get adopted and their folks love them just as much as if they'd had 'em themselves."

"But they usually can't have them on their own," he said, "It's alright to settle if you don't have another option."

"They don't settle and plenty of them have their own kids besides, either before or after they adopt."

"Yeah, right," he said skeptically, "Maybe when you've raised them up. No one wants a fourteen year old punk when they can have their very own baby."

"Maybe some people wouldn't," I said, "Crappy people, I suppose. But I know two who want that fourteen year old punk. Hell, they love that fourteen year old punk. Once you love someone like that, anyone, whether it's a kid you want to care for or someone you want to marry, you can't see yourself without them."

"I'm not his son," Jesse said, "I can't ever be. He's going to get his own child and he deserves that. He's got to know that he doesn't need me anymore. He came because of Emma."

"He came because he was worried sick about you, not because of how Emma will react when she sees you're gone," I said recalling the wounded sound of his voice over the phone, "He really cares about you."

"That'll change."

"No it won't," I told him, "It really won't."

"You can't know that," he yelled at me.

"I can and I do," I said softly, "You've got to start trusting people, Jesse. You trusted me and that hasn't turned out so bad, has it?"

"I guess not," he admitted, "But you're different. You know what it's like. You lived just like me."

"Sam and Emma have lost things, people, before. They understand things too," I said, "Emma lost her little boy and her first husband. She gives all that love that should have been Edward's to everyone she meets. It will never matter that they didn't come from her body and none of us are any less her kids for it. Jesse, she walked me to the canopy at my wedding. She was at every single court hearing when I was younger. That baby she's carrying is her miracle but it will never make me less her son."

"That's Emma," he said, "That's not Sam."

"Sam was a bit of a wild one in his youth too," I said, "Took a woman to settle him down. She was his world and they were going to have a baby until she was killed. He couldn't ever bear to lose another child. Don't make him go through that pain and loss again. I promised him I'd get you home. It's a school night and you need your sleep."

Jesse gave me a half smile at that last part and then got serious.

"His wife was killed?" he asked, "I didn't even know he was married before."

"You should ask him about it," I said, "I'm sure there's a lot you don't know about him."

I got him to get up and walk around the corner to Emma's with me. Sam met us at the door and pulled Jesse into a hug.

"Welcome home, son."

* * *

><p><strong>Well, there now...Emma's just fine for those who were worrying. As for Buck...well, things weren't the same in 1964 as they are now where divorce and custody is concerned...it's a giant mess...he's just going to have to tell me what happens.<strong>

**Oh yeah, before I forget...pregancy tests at that time took 24 hrs but they had the little doppler things to hear the heartbeat from about 1960 on and Emma is about 3 mos which is way far enough along to hear the baby's heartbeat.-J**


	62. Chapter 62

"I know I said I wouldn't ask," Joanie said to me while I was drying dishes as she washed them. "I really wasn't going to but I can't help it. What's going on with Buck and Carol? I'm really worried about them and Lisa too."

"Joanie, you know I can't tell you any of that," I said.

"I'm just so frightened for them," she said, "I don't know what to do. Their marriage is in trouble, isn't it?"

"I can't tell you any more details," I told her sighing, "But yeah, it is."

"Is there anything I can do to help?" she asked, "Carol looks so sad and I've never seen Buck act like he did at dinner last week. I didn't think he was capable of acting like that."

"You're friends with Carol, right?" I asked and Joanie nodded. "Talk to her. Listen, be her friend and let her know that you aren't taking sides. I think she needs that right now. I think she fears the rest of us will only hear Buck's story and not hers."

"That sounds very serious, James."

"It is."

"You can't give me a hint?" she asked.

"I don't think that would be a good thing. If I tell you something it's his side of the story I'm telling. Carol needs someone to hear hers first. Even Annie probably got it secondhand from Ike. I'd like to keep my opinions and editorial comments out of your understanding," I said, "But, since it's a possibility, which lawyer at the firm is best with divorces and custody?"

"Uncle Saul or Uncle Eli out of the partners but I think there are a couple of associates with more recent experience. Do you think it'll really come to that?"

"I have no idea," I said honestly, "But I think he wants to know all of his options. I'm not sure what he really wants. I don't think he knows right now."

"Maybe she and Lisa would like to go for lunch some time," Joanie said thinking aloud as she handed me the last pan to dry.

"I think she would love that," I said, "I would imagine she feels like she doesn't have a friend in the world right now."

"As angry as Buck is, I would have thought you'd be angry too and not encouraging me to lunch with her."

"It's what I do for a living, Joanie," I reminded her, "I try to see every side of something and make other people see all the sides too. Buck's only seeing his side which is alright for now. But for Lisa's sake I hope they can try to see things from another perspective at some point or it is over for them and not some amicable thing either. It would be ugly and contentious and the one who would suffer most would be that little girl."

"Are you scheming a little, James?"

"I guess I am," I replied, "However it comes out, I guess I just want my friend to know they did the best they could for that girl."

We snuggled a bit on the couch watching TV or something and then I remembered to ask something.

"Holiday breaks will be coming up soon," I said, "Is your sister getting excited to have Dan back in town?"

"I think that has sort of fizzled," she said, "Well, I know it has. She was seeing some guy at school for a little while and now I think she's not seeing anyone."

"I can't believe how out of the loop I've gotten," I said, "She was nearly inconsolable when he left for school."

"You have been distracted with other things," she pointed out, "Starting a new job and Jesse getting settled and Buck and Carol's problems. It's been hectic for you."

"I guess it has but now I feel like I'm not paying enough attention to the kid," I said, "Maybe I'm not so good at this big brother thing."

"I think Lou would beg to differ with you on that point," Joanie told me, "Besides, I think Judy's fed up enough with my obsession with her romantic life. If you started in on it too, she'd go completely nuts."

We sat a while longer.

"You know," I said, "You were awful worried about Sherry dating Billy. I think that looks like it's going pretty good."

"So far so good," she replied, "I think you might have been right about him too. Sherry said that she wanted to take things kind of slow with the relationship and he hasn't pressured her at all. I was surprised to hear that and I think she was surprised by it too."

"There's more to Billy than he usually lets people see," I explained, "Hell, there's more to Billy than he lets himself see most of the time."

"Did you hear he got a job?" she asked.

"I heard something about it but I don't have the details," I said, "Did Sherry fill you in?"

"Yeah, some local station's news department," Joanie told me, "He's stuck doing research and writing copy and getting the occasional fluff piece but it's a start and not too bad for a guy just barely out of school."

"Not too bad at all," I agreed, "I guess we'll hear all about it tomorrow since they're coming over for dinner and cards."

"I suppose we will," she said.

"Now what's bothering you?"

"I think she's in love with him," Joanie said, "She's dated guys before but I'm not sure she's ever been in love before and I think she is now."

"And that bothers you?" I asked and then added before she could even respond, "If it makes you feel any better I think he's in love with her too."

"You really think so?"

"I really do," I answered, "Don't think he knows it yet but he's pretty sharp. I'm sure he'll figure it out soon enough."

"Did I tell you Noah's coming for dinner this Sunday?" she asked me.

"I think you did mention it," I said, "Emma will be happy. I think she's missed seeing him. He finally getting a break at work?"

"Not so much," she answered, "He's pretty much getting run ragged between what Daddy has him doing and then school. I think he has a reason to come."

"What reason would that be?"

"I don't know for sure but he said he's bringing Rosemary and I think they might have an announcement of some sort."

"So we finally get to meet this elusive woman?" I asked.

"You do," she said, "I already have."

It was funny, Joanie had met Rosemary before and it seemed actually strange that I hadn't. I spent a fair amount of time at the firm and Noah and I got on pretty well. We'd actually gotten to be good friends. He talked a lot about Rosemary and I wasn't surprised at all that there might be an announcement coming. But she was never at the office when I was there. She was always off on some march or somewhere. The oddest thing, I think was that Joanie never really said much about the woman. I could tell Joanie respected her ideals and her commitment but she didn't go on about her like she did some other people. I mean, Sherry, I knew that girl as well as her own parents before I even met her with everything Joanie told me. I didn't even know what Rosemary looked like exactly except that she was white and according to Noah, very beautiful. I figured he was telling the truth though because Joanie one time did say she was pretty and she said it in that tone that women get when they don't want to admit that they'd gladly give up a limb to look like the woman in question. I was actually really looking forward to meeting this mystery woman.

So the next night Billy and Sherry came over for dinner. His jaw was healing up nice and you could barely tell anymore. Sherry seemed to have gotten over the whole incident. I think her reaction to it scared her a little. Sherry's a very loving person and when she attaches to someone that attachment is strong but still she really acted girly. She was raised almost entirely with boys. I think she had one sister who was either a whole lot younger or a whole lot older so they weren't real close growing up. The ones she was close with were those brothers and she often acted more like one of the guys than one of the girls. It's why it never occurred to her to go to college just to find a husband or why she never thought twice about majoring in science which wasn't really what most girls did then. She grew up playing sports not even really because she liked them so much or wanted to be athletic, sports were just how she could connect with her brothers. I know she loved her brothers and took care of them after fights or when they got hurt at sports or something and she took care of my hand well enough after I busted it up on Stan's face but the way she reacted to Billy hitting the floor was something else entirely and I think it scared her a little bit.

So dinner was a little awkward and I got the feeling their whole relationship had gotten a little awkward. Sherry had been so into this before and now she seemed to be pulling away and reassembling whatever of that barrier of hers he had been able to chip away at. After dinner we were sitting and talking. Well, Joanie and Billy were talking. He was trying to get a bead on a story that had at least a little to do with a case her dad was working on. She couldn't get into specifics or anything but he was really just looking for an understanding of legal precedents. I got up to clear some dishes so I could bring out the cake Joanie had made for dessert and Sherry jumped up to help me. I kind of hoped that she would. She was far too pensive right about then and I had a feeling she needed to talk and well, that's what happens when you're the psych major, everyone comes to you for talking. There wasn't a huge separation between our dining area and kitchen but it was a little divide and Joanie and Cody were so involved in their conversation that they weren't about to pay us much mind at all.

"What's wrong?" I asked her. Sherry wasn't one to beat around the bush and it behooved the people who talked to her to remember that.

"I don't even know," she said, "I like him a lot. He's fun to be around and he treats me nice. He's smart and good looking, better looking than anyone I've ever dated before. He says most of the right things, as much as any guy does. Why do I want to bail out?"

"Could be a lot of things," I said intentionally keeping my side of things vague. I could probably have answered her questions for her but I always found it more effective if someone could reach those conclusions on their own. They had a tendency to remember it better. "You ever actually love any of the guys you dated?"

"I thought I did but in retrospect I think I probably didn't," she admitted, "A crush can feel a whole lot like love for a little while anyway."

I nodded. There was a whole lot of truth right there.

"I think I love him," she said really softly and she looked nearly horrified. "This was a summer thing. When summer ended and I didn't want to break up and he didn't want to break up I just thought it was a longer thing but I never expected to fall in love. I don't even know how smart it is to fall in love with him."

"A year or two ago and I would have told you it was the dumbest thing you could do but he's not the same guy he was then," I told her, "Something in him changed the minute he laid eyes on you at the wedding. He watched you down the aisle and something shifted in his brain. I ain't saying it was love at first sight or anything like that but I think it's the first time he wanted to be in love."

"I feel so stupid sometimes falling for something he does that I know he's perfected over the years with other women. I'm supposed to be smarter than that."

"Did you ever think that maybe he was perfecting those little things he does just so that he could woo you?" I asked and then picked up the cake and nodded to the plates on the counter for her to grab.

Billy turned his head when we came back to the table.

"The fair haired maiden returns," he said grinning ear to ear. He had some smile. I think if I'd been a girl I would have even fallen for that smile. Yeah there was something different about him than I had ever seen with any other girl. I was thinking Sherry should feel just fine about falling in love with Billy because he wasn't going to break her heart, not willingly at least.

She smiled back at him and suddenly she came full present with him like she hadn't been since sometime after Buck laid out her boyfriend. She even walked over and kissed him full on the mouth. It wasn't lurid or anything but Joanie and I shared a look that said we weren't sure we should be there and I'll tell you in Billy and Sherry's minds, we probably weren't there at all.

We were all sitting and enjoying the dessert and the radio was on in the background. Suddenly Billy turned to Sherry and started singing.

"You got a smile so bright," he crooned along with The Temptations, "You know you could've been a candle."

"Will," Sherry protested but her eyes said she appreciated the gesture.

"I'm holding you so tight," he went on pulling her close to him, "You know you could've been a handle."

"You're crazy, Will," she said losing the control that was keeping her face in a stern expression.

"The way you swept me off my feet, you know you could've been a broom," he sang, "And babe you smell so sweet, you know you could've been some perfume."

"William, you're just ridiculous," she said smiling and starting maybe to get the start of a giggle.

"Well, you could've been anything that you wanted to," he kept singing and was really getting into it. "And I can tell, the way you do the things you do."

Okay I know Billy had some go to moves that he used to get to women but I also know he had never serenaded one before and certainly not in front of anyone. And if you're going to pick a song to sing to a woman, you could do worse than that song. I know Sherry was seeing the same thing too because the look in her eyes was, well, it was love. She was beaming and her eyes were sparkling and I really thought that we might need to leave lest we witness something on our dinner table that we didn't need to see. There wasn't going to be anymore taking things slowly, I could see that. Bill Cody was getting some that night.

The song on the radio ended with Sherry hugging him tight and I heard him whisper, "I love you."

I saw the jolt in her at that and then she relaxed against him and cooed, "I love you too."

Well that made the world just perfect for me but Joanie shot me a look. Women, sometimes I wonder about them and why they have to find something wrong with every single situation. I knew what she wanted and I really dreaded it. I mean it would be one thing if someday Sam wanted to punt and make me have this chat with Jesse or someday when it was my own kids but to even think that I had to have this talk with my friend, someone like a brother to me and worst of all, someone my own age. I really didn't want to and I shot her a look that told her so. But I stood up anyway.

"Hey Billy," I said, "If I can pry you away from that lovely creature for a bit, I need to wander down to the corner for another case of Stroh's. Want to come too?"

"Sure Jimmy," he said, "Afraid you can't carry it back all this way?"

"It wouldn't be you I'd ask for help if that was the case."

We walked a bit and Billy looked at me.

"Did you really need more beer?" he asked.

"Yeah," I said, "At some point I was going to run out."

He looked at me strange some more.

"Okay," I said, "Joanie's worried. Somewhere between how you normally treat women and how head over heels her friend is for you, she's worried and I get to talk to you. You know she's probably going to give it up to you now after that stunt you just pulled, right?"

"I think I figured that out after her second fake protest," he said, "I wasn't doing it to break her. Honest, I wasn't. I thought it would make her happy. God, who am I? I was never like this before."

"You, my friend, are a man in love," I said patting him on the shoulder, "Join us. It's not so bad at all. In fact, it has some very nice perks."

"I think I'll be finding out about those perks tonight," he said.

I'm sure he was right too.

The next day or maybe even a couple later, Joanie did invite Carol out for that lunch. They left Lisa with Emma who was feeling worlds better. She was eating again. In fact, she seemed to be eating for three or four and not just two. Her face filled back out and she really did glow. I'm not sure I'd ever seen a woman take to pregnancy so.

That day I got a call at work from Joanie.

"James," she said, "I talked to Carol and I have no idea what to do."

"Did she tell you what happened?"

"Yes, she did," Joanie told me, "But she won't tell me anything but the barest of facts. I tried talking her into counseling. I told her I thought Buck would want it and that it would make things better for Lisa. She just shut down, James. What can I do? Our friends are really hurting."

I had an idea. It wasn't what I wanted to do and there were a number of reasons that I shouldn't be the one to do it but then there really wasn't anyone else.

"Where is she now?" I asked.

"In our bathroom, I think she's crying."

"Keep her there," I said, "Talk about anything. Talk about Sherry and Billy. Talk about that soap opera of yours. Just keep her there. I have an idea."

I went over to Buck's place after work. He got out of work about the same time I did so I figured he'd be there and sure enough there he was just getting out of the car and heading up the walk. He had been so proud when he got that new job and he could finally be at home more and buy that little house. I don't mean it was tiny or anything. It had three bedrooms and was a nice little ranch style home with a nice little yard. I was actually sort of jealous when he moved in there but I knew I just needed patience about the house and yard the same way Joanie did with having babies.

"Buck!" I called to him.

"Hey, Jimmy," he said and I swear the man looked a hundred years old. That right there only solidified my own resolve to do something to help. "What can I do for you?"

"Come on over to my place for a bit."

"I should at least tell her where I'm going," he said and it didn't escape me that he wouldn't even call his wife by her name.

"She's with Joanie," I said, "And Lisa's with Emma, probably getting spoiled half rotten about now, I'd say."

Buck nodded and we got into my car and I drove home. Now the concept of an intervention is pretty commonplace nowadays. There are even TV shows about them and they are for all sorts of things, overeating and other eating disorders and drug addiction mostly. This one would be a little different and I was a bit nervous because I'd never been a part of one before. They hadn't been around for that long but I had read a good deal about them. They seemed like something I might someday be able to use with some of my harder cases. The trick at that point was not letting either of the guests of honor at the intervention know that's what was about to happen. I don't think anyone in Psychology or social work likes the idea of ambush therapy which is really all this is but sometimes it's the only way to get the job done.

Buck followed me into my apartment and froze in place when he saw Carol sitting on the couch. Carol looked like a cornered rabbit. She would've liked to run, I'm sure but we were between her and the door. I think she might even have considered for a moment jumping out the window to get away but we were on the third floor. I moved behind Buck so he couldn't run and I really hoped he wouldn't challenge me. He looked at the door and saw me and the anger in his eyes sort of hurt that he would be that angry with me but I guess I knew even then that he was angry with her and the situation and I was just making him face it.

"You said," he started and I cut him off.

"I said Carol was with Joanie. I never said where they were. I didn't lie exactly. Just come and sit down."

He sat over in the chair because the only other option was next to Carol on the couch. I took that seat.

"Should I leave?" Joanie asked and I felt bad that I hadn't been able to fill her in on this or what it entailed.

"No, honey," I said gently, "You stay. Our friends are going to need all the love and support we can give them."

I sighed and looked back and forth between Buck and Carol. She was looking down at her lap so as not to make eye contact with anyone at all and he was staring daggers into her before looking away. He tried for disgust but the hurt showed through too clearly. He still loved her. It was killing him but he still loved her.

"I didn't want to do this in this manner," I began, "For so many reasons; I shouldn't be your counselor. I have names I can give you of wonderful people who could help you far better than I can but it seems we have to resort to this first."

"What exactly is this, Jimmy?" Buck asked.

"It's what's called an intervention, or something like it anyway," I said, "Basically it's where some people who care a great deal about you gather and try to talk you into helping yourselves."

"Jimmy, you don't know the first thing about this," Buck said.

"I know my friends are hurting and yes, you are both my friends. I know I can help in some way. I really wish I could guarantee a happy ending but hell, none of us gets anything close to that kind of a guarantee. I can say that there's a chance to make the hurt not so bad. I can make it so you can talk to each other and I can make it so things are better for that blue pig coloring kid of yours. I know she means more to both of you than anything else."

Buck looked to protest but then Carol spoke up making all of us jump just a little.

"What do we have to do?"

"We sit here and we talk and we listen," I said, "It sounds pretty simple but it's harder than it sounds sometimes."

"I don't see what's to talk about," Buck said angrily.

"Maybe how you told me you wished she would stop pushing you away," I offered, "Or how you're trying to use all your anger to mask how much you still love her."

That shut him up.

"Carol," I said, "I hate that you have to be trying to do this with me here. I know you might feel like I'm going to be biased toward Buck and I'll admit, hearing his side of things first got me a little upset. But I need you to listen to me right now. I'm not talking as a social worker. I'm talking to you as a friend. I wish we'd all gotten to know you better. I think you might've felt a little outside the group sometimes and I feel bad about that. But I do consider you a friend too. And I consider myself an uncle to that little girl of yours and a brother to your husband. I see three people I care a lot about falling apart right now and it hurts. I know you're scared to talk and that's why I've asked Joanie to stay here. I want you to feel safe in speaking your mind."

Joanie took Carol's hands in her own and gave them a squeeze to lend her strength.

"So," I went on, "I've heard what happened from Buck but not from you. You want to set that to rights?"

She looked unsteady but nodded and sighed before speaking.

* * *

><p><strong>Stay tuned for the exciting conclusion of A 60's Intervention or How Do We Save this Marriage in the Days Before Equitable Custody Arrangements...same Bat time, Same Bat Channel!-J<strong>


	63. Chapter 63

"We don't talk," she began, "Not really. That's just as much my fault as his. I know that. It's just how things always kind of were. I didn't know how to tell him how scared I was or how unhappy. He was working so hard and I know he was and that it was for us, for me and Lisa."

The tears were starting to spill over but she was blinking hard to try to stop them.

"I was so lonely," she went on, "I didn't know how to say that. I always said it wrong and it only made him feel bad. Then I felt like I shouldn't complain because he was so tired all the time and I think I was making him feel like he wasn't a good enough husband or father or something."

She lifted her eyes from her hands that were twisting in her lap. Those blue eyes were rimmed in red but she had succeeded in stopping the flow of tears. She looked directly at Buck and I could tell her tears still affected him. This wasn't all lost, not by a long shot.

"I missed you so much," she said, "I missed being able to talk about stupid stuff that didn't matter like TV shows or things like that. I missed being with you too."

She blushed and I saw Joanie pat her shoulders.

"We used to, well, you know, all the time," she said, "After Lisa I thought maybe you didn't want me anymore and then I got to thinking you found someone more desirable. I wouldn't blame you a whole lot. I don't think I ever quite got my figure back."

Buck actually spoke up at that.

"You didn't," he said, "You got a better one, curvier."

"It was wrong to assume and especially to assume about you," she said, "You're too good of a man. I can't believe I ever thought for a second that you would do something so terrible. My God, I am so, so sorry."

"Well, you're right I wasn't easy to talk to," he said, "I thought if I could make a better life for us; take care of you that would make you understand. I see how you might've thought I was less interested. It was never true; I was just so damned tired. But how do you make the jump from that to me having an affair?"

"I just, well, you're such a handsome man and surely women would be interested and at least one of them would have to be more appealing than a dumpy housewife with stretch marks on her belly whose best line of conversation is about coloring books or how the baby just found her toes or learned a song."

"Lisa's my favorite thing to talk about," he said looking down. It wouldn't be easy but eventually he'd have to take some responsibility for this situation too. Sure, she was the one who made the big mistake but he was at least partly, if not mostly, the reason she felt all these things. It doesn't make it right but there are two people in a marriage and hardly ever do the problems only come from one person.

I thought right then that maybe he'd calmed down a little but I should have known it would never be that easy.

"I can't believe you're sitting there," he began and his voice got louder with every syllable, "Carrying another man's child with your explanations and your apologies. Do you really expect me to forgive you? Do you think we can just go on and be okay like nothing ever happened with a kid that looks nothing like me?"

He was yelling real good by the time he finished that tirade.

"This is your baby," she said and her hands went protectively over her belly. It was a whisper but it was firm and there was no question in what she said.

"You can't know that, can you?" he bellowed at her.

"I can do math and it's not like we were together that much," she said and there was acid in her tone right then. See, people make mistakes and they usually know that they've made a mistake and they usually feel pretty stupid about it already. Dragging out punishment for a mistake never really does any good except to make them less contrite. She knew she had done something wrong and she felt bad about hurting him but there was no changing it. "I know all the times I was with you and I didn't see him that often either. It's yours, I just know it is."

"I don't see how you can prove that," he said and sank back into the chair. I know he wanted that baby to be his. I know he didn't want some child out there without a daddy. I know he was trying to figure out what to do if that child didn't come out looking like him at all. See, Buck's features were kind of unique. His mom was Chippewa and Buck looked every bit Chippewa. The real thing is that while a feature here and there might come from the other parent, I have yet to see a child come out of someone with Buck's coloring and have white skin. Carol was fair skinned and I learned later the man she had the affair with was also. Lisa was undoubtedly his; the only feature she got of her mother was those impossibly blue eyes.

Carol stood up. I think she was trying to stand quickly and in some dramatic fashion but then she was nearly to her due date by then and no one gets off a couch quickly when they've got a watermelon strapped to their abdomen and that's what I'm told it feels like to be that pregnant.

"A woman knows these things," she said sternly, "Trust me."

That brought Buck back to his feet.

"There was a time I could," he yelled at her, "Before you lied and cheated."

"You want to talk trust?" she screamed at him, "Last time I felt any connection to you or the man you are was when we were dating. I've been like toxic waste to you since I got pregnant with Lisa. I can't trust you at all. I can't talk to you without getting my head bitten off."

She was screaming and crying and I was pretty sure that wasn't good for a woman in her condition. I stood too.

"Carol, you have to calm a bit," I said just before I saw her cringe and her hand fly to her belly. "Are you okay?"

"You're taking her side?" Buck said in disbelief.

"It ain't about sides, Buck," I told him as Carol was rubbing her belly. I turned back to her, "Is everything okay? Do we need to get you to the hospital?"

"No," she said, "Baby just doesn't like when I yell, I guess. It got a good shot into my ribs. It's just kicking, see?"

She took my hand and placed it on her belly and that thing was setting up for a career in soccer or field goal kicking for the Lions.

"Strong kick," I said and then I had an idea, "Buck, come and feel this."

"He hasn't felt this baby kick once," she said bitterly.

He was close enough that I could and did grab his hand. I placed it on her belly and saw the change in his eyes immediately. I don't know many people who aren't affected by feeling the kicking of an unborn child. I know the whole day was a gamble but right then felt like the time to go all in. I looked Carol in the eye.

"Do you still love him?"

She nodded and I think she wanted to speak but just couldn't get words out so she nodded some more. I turned to Buck.

"I'd ask you the same thing but I know you do," I said, "The question is, if I set you up with a friend of mine for some real counseling would you both go and really try?"

"I would," Carol said without thought.

"You would?" Buck said quickly and I think he was surprised.

"I don't know if we can fix this or get past what I did but I'm willing to try."

I knew Buck would be willing but he needed to get past himself for it to do any good. Still the fact that they both were willing to go was a start and really all I hoped to accomplish. I told Joanie to get Carol home and make her some tea and get her to rest some. I still needed to talk to Buck. Once the women were out the door I went to the kitchen and grabbed a couple beers and handed him one.

"I'm glad you guys will go to counseling," I said, "But you know that leaves one more thing to talk about."

He looked at me like he didn't know and maybe he didn't but I clarified for him anyway, "The baby."

"What about it?" he asked.

"Well, even if that child isn't yours, it is still Lisa's brother or sister and she has to be considered in this too. Do you want to turn your back on both of them because the baby might not be yours?"

"I don't know if I could look at a child everyday knowing how it came to be and knowing that it was a product of that."

"I get that," I said, "And it might not even be an issue. That child might come on out looking every bit as much like you as Lisa does. But if it doesn't, that doesn't mean it's not yours. You're half Chippewa, right?" he nodded, "That makes Lisa a quarter, meaning less Indian than not. It would be the same with this kid too."

"What are you saying, Jimmy?"

"That baby doesn't have a daddy except for you," I said simply, "Even if you weren't the one who helped make it, you're still the only chance that little one has for a dad."

"I just don't know if I could," he said.

"Well, decisions don't need to be made today but think on it."

To this day I don't know what possessed me to do that intervention that day. I think it might have been the craziest and maybe even stupidest thing I have ever done but it sort of worked so I guess that is all that matters.

Next thing I knew and I was getting ready to head over to Emma's for Sunday dinner.

"Joanie, won't you at least tell me what she looks like?" I pleaded.

"It's not like you'll have a hard time picking her out," she said, "She'll be the woman you don't know. And if that's too hard to figure, she'll be the one hanging on Noah's arm and gazing lovingly at him."

I wanted to be frustrated with her but I just laughed. I don't even know why it mattered so much to me. Noah was a smart guy and I wasn't marrying the woman.

We got to Emma's and Noah wasn't there yet but nearly everyone else was. Ike and Annie had their hands full as usual with Timmy and Karen but I saw Annie trying to talk some to Carol. I thought right then that if there was any saving the marriage at all that it might actually end up stronger than before. Ike looked like he still wasn't sure how to treat the situation. I know a part of him wanted to stay loyal to his brother but then another part of him was angry with Buck for casting Carol so completely out. I know he understood Buck's feelings but he also knew that Buck still loved her and Ike really felt for that baby too.

Al was sitting in a chair reading to Lisa and looking every bit the doting grandpa.

"Where's Jesse?" I asked.

"Look out back and see for yourself," Buck told me with the first real smile I'd seen from him in months.

I went into the kitchen and looked out the window that was over the sink. Emma was watching too and I know I saw tears shining in her eyes at what she was looking at. I saw it too and went right ahead and let those tears fall. It was only Emma there to see after all. In that back yard, under the oak tree that had been there longer than probably any of us there that day Jesse and Sam were throwing a football back and forth. They'd pause every now and then and Sam would jog over to Jesse to show him how to place his fingers on the ball.

"Thank you, Jimmy," Emma said.

"I had nothing to do with that," I told her honestly, "I just put him on your doorstep. You and Sam made this a family."

She took a deep breath and blinked a few times.

"So what do you know about our dinner guest today?"

"Rosemary? Not a heck of a lot," I said, "I know she and Noah have been seeing each other a little bit and she's real committed to the civil rights movement and I think bringing her today has something to do with him wanting to marry her. I don't know if we're getting an engagement announcement or a proposal or if he just wants her to meet the family before he does propose. But I'm pretty sure this has to do with marriage or engagement or something like that."

"Noah needed to find a nice girl and settle down," she told me, "He works too hard."

"I know he does but he won't have to work quite that hard once he gets his degree. Rosemary sure does seem to make him happy though. I don't think I've ever seen him smile so much."

"He was too serious too," she said, "He needed someone to make him lighten up."

About then I heard a commotion in the living room and went out to see who was there. Billy and Sherry were just walking in. Sherry looked happy and Billy looked upset about something. I rolled my eyes. Probably I should have just learned to mind my own business but he was seeking me out anyway.

"Jimmy," he said looking worried.

"I would have thought you would be just fine and happy, Billy," I told him, "Or didn't she give it up?"

"Oh she gave it up alright," he said and his eyes sort of glazed over for a moment. I let him have his moment. I know I had a few memory moments like that myself. "She gave it up repeatedly and it was worth the wait."

"I got the point Billy," I said, "I don't think Sherry would appreciate your gloating right now. Learn some self control, man."

He looked over at Sherry like he was worried she would have heard or something.

"So what's your problem?" I asked him.

"It's just that no matter how good a girl is in bed I've always gotten kind of bored pretty quick," he said, "I don't mean to and I feel bad sometimes like I'm using them or something but that's the way it is and things don't usually last long once we've done it."

"Billy, if you are telling me you're bored and want to break up with that woman I might have to take you outside and beat the crap out of you."

"I'm not saying that, Jimmy. I'm not saying that at all. The opposite, really, I'm not bored. I don't want to break up. I don't want another woman. I don't think I want another woman ever."

I just laughed and patted him on the back before walking away. He followed me though.

"What do I do?" he asked me.

"Billy," I said, "I expect you'll figure that out on your own somehow. Or you can defer to the smarter of the two of you and let her figure it out for you."

I left him there with his mouth hanging open and went to greet Jesse who was coming in with Sam just beaming. It shouldn't have taken fourteen years for him to finally have that picture perfect father-son moment but I've seen far too many kids who don't get it at all. I got to be on the father side of that moment eventually but it's not like my old man ever took me to the park to throw the ball around.

"Hey Jimmy," he called out once he spotted me, "Sam just taught me how to throw a spiral. Did you know Sam played football in high school? He says I might be good enough to make the team next year if I work hard and try out."

It was all a huge excited rush of words and nothing at that time had ever sounded so good to me. So often I know I didn't handle things the right way and I know I messed up some things and caused pain to people I cared for but this one time I knew I had done something right and I had been a part of saving this one kid. It doesn't seem like much when you know the sheer numbers of children out there with no one to love them, no one to care for them. If I learned nothing else from doing the work I did I learned that you have to celebrate your victories and understand that they can't all be victories. That's just the reality. I heard a baseball manager say one time about losses, well first you ought to get that when people say you can't win them all, they mean that. See in baseball there's like over a hundred fifty games in a season and no one has ever won them all. Anyway this manager said you know going in that you're going to win at least fifty games and lose at least fifty games and it's what you do with the other ones that determines where you are at the end of the season. Now you do the work I did and you learn there are some you can't win. Like in sports when you have a lot of injuries or your team is all worn out from a long road trip or something. There are kids that can't be helped. Sometimes it's the system working against you and sometimes they just come to you too late but some you just can't save. Some are easy wins. Some kids aren't that far gone or their problems aren't that large. So you have your wins and losses there but it's the ones that aren't easy and could go either way that you have to really fight for. I like to think I came out above .500 though they always tell you not to keep score. I don't think I did but I still like to think I helped more than I failed and right then it meant the world that I had helped Jesse.

I was just telling Jesse how great that was that Sam was getting him into sports and he was telling me about thinking he might go out for the baseball team in the spring too when the door opened and everyone stopped talking and just stared. You would have thought none of us had met anyone outside our little family before. It's not like anyone was horribly shocked that they were a mixed couple or what you call these days 'interracial'. Everyone already knew that and had plenty of time to get used to the idea if they found it shocking. I can only guess our behavior had more to do with the buildup of having gone all those months of hearing about this woman and not meeting her. Joanie knew Rosemary so she was the first one to approach the pair.

"Rosemary," she said, "It's so good to see you again."

It was then that Noah spoke up.

"So as you can all guess, this is Rosemary Burke," he announced, "Rosie, honey, these are the folks who've sort of adopted me and become my Michigan family. Now take notes because there might be a quiz later."

He chuckled a little and she squeezed his arm tighter as he began to introduce everyone.

"You know Joanie," he began, "Next to her is Al Hunter. Al's holding Lisa Cross who is the daughter of Buck Cross over there and his wife Carol who is the one about ready to pop any minute. Sitting with Carol is Annie McSwain with her daughter Karen. Annie's husband Ike is next to Buck and he's holding their son, Timmy. Are you keeping up so far?"

"I think so," she smiled and it was a nice smile too. "I'm sure I'll mess up a few times but please continue Noah."

"Alright then, over by where Joanie was when we came in is Billy Cody and his lovely girlfriend Sherry Wingate. Standing right in front of us here is Jimmy Hickok, Joanie's husband, and the man of the house Sam Cain with his son Jesse James. And then if you look over there by the door to the dining room you'll see Mrs. Emma Cain. I know I have told you about Emma."

"Wonderful things about her," she agreed and made a beeline for Emma.

"Mrs. Cain," Rosemary said and Emma cut her off.

"Emma, please," she said.

"Emma, I can't tell you how much I appreciate you having me over for dinner like this. I know Noah is family to you but I'm not and your hospitality is most gracious."

Rosemary spoke with a sure voice and a physical poise that yelled out confidence and self-assuredness. Yelled a bit too loud I thought because under it you could see the vulnerability of someone who really does care one way or another if you accept her or love her or even like her. I saw Rosemary in many other situations and there wasn't always that vulnerability but right then she really cared what we, and more to the point Emma, thought of her. I think she knew how important we'd become to Noah.

Emma saw that little chink in her poise too and wrapped her in a hug. And that was all there was to that really. Rosemary Burke was a part of our lives from that moment forward and within a couple of days we all got the news that Rosemary Burke had agreed to become Rosemary Dixon. I know right about then I couldn't have been happier for Noah. He was within sight of the finish line for that law degree, had a job lined up with a very prestigious firm and had a beautiful woman agreeing to share his life with him. There's not much more a man could ask for.

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><p><strong>Alright...those who know me at all know I did not like Rosemary. Well, I didn't like the person she ended up being and I really hated that the series left off with Jimmy being with her. But when the character was first introduced in Song of Isaiah, she had that vulnerability and some honest humanity. I also am accutely aware that she was with Jimmy in the show and not Noah but you have to understand that at the time even a free man like Noah would have been hanged in even the most forward thinking communities for being with a white woman. Now a white slave owner could have his way with every black woman around and no one batted an eye but then that wasn't really a relationship...Rosemary is a lovely plot device for things I need to do later in this story and there will be elements of things that did come into play in the show. I saw her (mostly because of what she was like at the end of the show) as very manipulative and someone who put herself above all but did it under the supposed cover of the cause. It seemed what she could push forward her cause most with in this universe is marrying a black man. So that is how this is going...<strong>

**As for anything else, Oh I should probably explain why I changed Buck's heritage a little bit. It seemed more plausible to have him descended from a tribe native to Michigan and there is a large Chippewa (also sometimes known as Ojibwe) population here in Michigan so that was that. **

**Also the quote from the baseball manager was really from longtime Tigers manager (and before that Cincinnati Reds manager) George "Sparky" Anderson who said, "The season is 162 games. You'll win fifty and lose fifty. It's what you do with the other sixty-two that matter."**

**This chapter kicked my butt and the number of times I wanted to take a big old cop out and do the too convenient sitcom ending that would have some magical solution and everyone hugging it out by the end, well, Anita, Kristina, you were there...and they didn't really help with all their talk of glowing loins and centaurs (inside jokes you'd probably string us up for if we published them in story form here). More intense drama to come folks...almost time for Kid to be deployed and Carol's about to get a visit from Mr. Stork. Let's cross our fingers for a little Buck clone like Lisa is, okay?-J**


	64. Chapter 64

Thanksgiving rolled around and I wasn't going to be with the family, either side for the day. You would have thought Emma would be upset by it but she understood. I had a little trip to take and there was no other time to take it. Joanie was more upset and I think would've liked to join me but she was absolutely swamped with school so when she wasn't helping her mom cook, she was going to be studying like a mad woman. I sort of wished she could have come too. It wasn't something I relished doing alone but then I guess it was the right way to do it. This was something between me and him after all.

I hopped the Greyhound Wednesday after work and rode through the night and a good part of the next day. There wasn't anyone to pick me up at the station but I knew there wouldn't be. The one person who knew I was coming had promised to keep it a surprise. That was alright because cabs run on Thanksgiving same as any other day.

The driver let me off in front of a cute little bungalow and I could see the remnants of what had been a pretty flower garden in the summer lining the front of the house. There wasn't snow that far south yet but the plants knew winter was coming even if it wasn't meant to be harsh. I stood on the sidewalk a moment and sighed. I wanted to turn back so bad right about then. Walking to that door was going to make everything real and I didn't want it to be real. I knew that was stupid because this thing was happening whether I wanted it to or not. So I slowly made my way to that door and rang the bell. It was a moment or two before it opened and there he stood looking first stunned and then the smile spread across his face.

"Hey there, Jimmy," he said pulling me into a hug and with it pulling me into his home.

"Hey Kid," I said back, "You know I couldn't just let you go without seeing you."

"I don't even know what to say," he told me and I knew what he meant. All those years we were the only people in the world who cared about us; no parents, no friends, no siblings, just us. We still would always know what the other needed before he needed it. He needed me there. He was leaving on Monday and I was missing a day of work to see him off that morning because he needed to know Lou wasn't alone when he left. He hadn't said it but that hardly mattered when it came to us and the way we were. By the same token he didn't seem too surprised I was there. He somehow knew I needed to see him, to have a last few moments with him before he went off to God only knew what.

He went to lead me to the living room where we could sit and talk but Theresa caught sight of me and flew at me.

"Uncle Jimmy!" she yelled hugging me tight and I thought how good a job Lou had done keeping that secret. I hugged her back.

"My God," I said, "You must have grown six inches since the wedding. What are you feeding this girl, Kid?"

"I don't know," he told me, "I think she might've ate some magic beans. You know in the fairy tale they planted them but never said what happened if you ate 'em."

She rolled her eyes at him. She was twelve by then and was starting to get that teenager attitude where grownups were decidedly uncool by their very existence. Still she loved Kid too much to do anything but laugh it off when he was silly like that. I was a grownup but uncles are different than parents and Kid was like a dad to her, never mind that he and Lou weren't really old enough to be her folks, they were what she had.

"Lou's in the kitchen," she said pulling away from me, "I'll go get her."

"She's going to be so surprised to see you," Kid said.

"No she won't," I told him, "She knew I was coming."

The next few days were spent just me being part of their little family like we didn't have something terrible hanging over our heads. We talked about the old times, well, the good parts of the old times. Laughed about all the things Al had said or done, got that melancholy feel you get when you think on being a kid and knowing you aren't one anymore. It was nice to talk. I filled him in on the goings on back in Detroit. He knew things, of course but letters aren't the same so I could give him the details. I told him all about Jesse and how he and Sam were finally bonding and what it was like to find out about Emma's baby by hearing its heart beating. I told him how crazy Billy was acting about Sherry and that I figured they'd get married sometime and I told him about Rosemary. He knew Carol was near her due date but he didn't know of their troubles and I kept it that way. I had promised Buck and Carol both that I wouldn't talk about it and there was no need to trouble Kid with worries at a time like that. I had almost forgotten how effortless it was to talk to him and how easy it was to be around him even when we weren't talking. I spent more time with Bobby and Jack than I had ever been able to before and that was nice in itself. It sometimes felt strange that out of all my friends I would know Kid's children the least of everyone's. They were good boys. Bobby was only a month younger than Lisa was and little Jack was right about two at the time. It made me sad I'd have to go home and leave them behind. I sort of wished I was taking Lou and the kids back with me but I knew that wasn't how things were meant to happen right then.

It was Sunday night and I was thinking I'd turn in early. We had to get moving early the next day. His transport was leaving at eight in the morning. I figured he'd need the sleep and the time with Lou even if the time with Lou kept him from sleep. Thing was while we all turned in early, I couldn't sleep at all. I got up and wandered out to the kitchen to grab a glass of water and there he was sitting at the kitchen table in the dark.

"Couldn't sleep?" he asked.

"Guess not," I answered, "You either, huh?"

"I'm scared."

I sat down at the table with him. "Me too," I said.

"I've never had to be alone before," he told me, "Not really alone. Even when my dad beat me, I knew I could find you and we could hang out and it would be okay. I don't remember ever being this scared and I thought about that and I figure it's because you were there pretty much as far back as I can remember. And since I've been away, well, I could always call you but I have Lou. I don't know if I know how to be alone."

I knew what he meant but I had to try to boost him up somehow.

"You won't be alone, Kid," I reminded him, "You got all those men around you."

"They don't know me and I don't know them," he said sadly, "Not like you and me. Remember when we first met? Mrs. Shaw's kindergarten class and we'd somehow end up walking home every day. I don't think we said five words between us the first month of school. Even then we knew there was something wrong with how we lived and not everyone had a home like that. Five years old and we were ashamed of things beyond our control. But one day you had a black eye and Mrs. Shaw asked about it and you said you fell down. I knew because that's what I was told to tell people too. We walked together that day and I showed you the bruises on my back. We both tried to be so brave then like we'd already had it drilled into us that crying was wrong and I guess we had. I was never scared again because I knew I wasn't alone anymore."

"You won't be alone over there either, Kid. You have to know that. It don't matter if I'm across the street, the town, the country or the globe, you are not alone, ever."

"I should have been there for you more, Jimmy," he said, "When we were growing up I mean. I know you came over when you had nowhere else to go but I didn't do enough. I know about the man who took you to his place. I know what he did to boys."

His voice cracked and I know for a second thinking about me at all of eight or nine he was thinking about his own sons and how vulnerable they are and how someone should have been protecting us, and really me from that guy.

"I got away from him, Kid," I told him, "I got away."

He never pressed anymore than that and I never told him the whole story. It's true I got away and it's true that I kept something really bad from happening to me by getting away but it's also true that things happened in that apartment that shouldn't have and I always thought I would take it to my grave but I suppose now is as good a time as any to say the man touched me. Now not all touching is bad touching and there ain't nothing wrong with hugging someone who's hurting or patting someone on the back or something. I worked with a lot of kids who craved safe contact like that but no grown man has any place touching an eight or nine year old child where that man touched me or trying to get that child to touch him where he wanted me to touch him. That was all the farther it went and it was still enough to give me nightmares. But in those nightmares I couldn't get away.

I looked back at Kid and saw the tears shining on his cheeks. We'd cried in front of each other before and it was no shame between us. We might never have shown that side to others and still at the ages we were then we probably could count on one hand the people who'd seen us cry but for us, we knew it was okay and didn't mean anything bad at all.

"You gave up everything for me," he said at last, "You were there for me. You told me I was good enough. You have a job saving kids like us now and you talk about Jesse being your first win but he wasn't. I was. I would have been gone long before if not for you. I need you to know that if I don't get a chance to say it any other time."

"Kid I would have been dead somewhere on the street if you hadn't hidden me in your room some nights. I don't know how you can think you didn't do enough. Hell, I'm alive Kid and living a decent life. Sometimes keeping someone above ground is a victory in itself. I'm nothing without you for a friend."

"Listen to me, Jimmy," he said and there was panic in his voice, "I need you to hear me and understand because I don't have a good feeling about this and I don't know if I'll get another chance to tell you these things and you have to know. You have to. I could have done more to help you in school. I could have talked to Emma and Al and they could have done more to get you away from home. Mine wasn't so bad after my dad took off. Mom didn't give a crap but at least she didn't hit. Polly even took to beating you after a while. It's me failing you led to you being held back and getting sent to juvie and dropping out. I might have been the only one who knew what all was going on and I did nothing. And don't say I was just a kid. You were too and you kept telling me I could do something. You told me to try out for the basketball team. You told me I was smart. I never told you those things. I knew them and I never said it. I'm sorry. Please forgive me."

"I wasn't perfect, Kid so stop making me out to be some saint or something. Saint Jimmy sounds stupid. But don't go thinking you didn't save me. Not just giving me a place to stay. I never told you this before but since I haven't had a good feeling about things since you enlisted, I guess now is the time for getting it all out in the open. I thought about taking my own life more than once. Had a gun at one time too. You're all that stopped me. You're smart and a good person and if you cared about me, if you wanted to be my friend, if you were there to tell me I wasn't a bad kid and it wasn't my fault my folks beat on me then maybe I had one thing to live for. Hell, I think it would be safe to say there isn't much of who I am that ain't tangled up in pieces of you that rubbed off on me."

"Yeah, me too," he whispered, "I don't know how this comes out with both of us feeling bad about it but I'm a better man for knowing you. I'll write when I can."

"I will too," I told him, "And I'll see if Joanie can't set to baking some things to send to you. I know it sounds funny but she bakes some of the best Christmas cookies ever. I'm sure we could get a care package to you."

"I'd sure appreciate it. You be sure to give that wife of yours a hug for me, okay? I owe her that at least for looking out for my brother for me. It's a weight off my mind knowing that she's taking care of you and telling you things I should have told you years ago."

"I'll tell her. Now you get to bed and enjoy the time you have left to hold your wife. You don't have much left."

He went to bed and so did I. I don't know if he got much sleep but I know I didn't. I was up before the sun and helping get the kids around. Theresa was being allowed to miss school that day to see Kid off. We all stood on the airstrip as the rest of the men were saying their goodbyes to wives and children. Kid shook my hand and then we ditched pretenses and hugged.

"Bad feelings be damned," I said quietly to him, "Come home safe, you hear me?"

He just nodded. I think if he would have tried to talk he would have fallen apart and cried right there. Next he knelt down to Jack's stroller and kissed his youngest son before turning to the child next to the stroller and pulling Bobby into a tight hug. Then he stood and hugged Theresa hard enough to lift her off the ground. Finally he wrapped his arms around Lou and kissed her. Theresa found her way to me and squeezed my hand burying her face in my arm. I could feel the heat of her tears and that was when I put the arm around her shoulders and held her closer to me. Her own dad bailed when she was too little to even remember him and now the only good man she'd had to raise her up was leaving too. She was a tough kid but that was a lot for even the toughest among us to take. I bent and whispered to her as I saw him start to walk away.

"Remember that sign Timmy taught us?" she nodded and when Kid turned around to look back at us one last time Theresa and I had our hands held high with our thumbs, index fingers and pinkies extended. I guess everyone these days knows that means I love you but then I think our little bunch and Kid were the only ones who knew what we were saying and that was just fine. It was a message to just one person.

We watched him board the plane and watched the plane take off and watched most of the other civilians leave and then I went over to Lou and put my arm around her and she crumbled against me.

"I don't want to be this strong," she cried, "I'm scared."

"Everyone here today is scared," I tried to reassure her, "They have a brave face like the one you were wearing until just a minute ago. Scared doesn't mean you don't do something and just because someone doesn't look scared or talk scared doesn't mean they aren't scared."

"I want him back," she said, "Not in a year either. I want him back now."

"I know, honey," I said patting her back, "I know you do and when it gets so you can't stand it a minute longer, you call me or Emma or Joanie or Carol or somebody. Or you plan a little trip and come up and see us. You have family, Lou. You have people. Don't think that just because your dad left and your mom's gone that you don't have people."

"I know," she said and we started walking toward her car. "Do you have to go back so soon, Jimmy?"

"I really do need to get back to work," I said, "And get back to Joanie."

"I'm sorry I said those things about her when you got engaged," she said.

"It was how you felt and maybe even how you still feel," I told her, "I accept your apology even though it's not necessary. I respect you and your opinions. I didn't agree but that don't mean I don't respect it."

Lou drove me to the bus station and she and the kids waited with me for my bus that would take me back to Detroit, back to my life and my Joanie. Theresa plopped down next to me on the bench.

"I wish you could stay, Uncle Jimmy," she said to me.

"I know, honey, but I need you to do something real important for me."

"What?"

"I need you to keep an eye on your sister," I whispered to her like we were planning a secret mission. "If she needs us, if you need us, you have to let me know. Write, or call, hell, you can even call collect if you have to. Don't forget you got us and don't let her stubborn streak get the better of her."

"I promise."

I hugged her and then Lou and the boys and boarded my bus and headed for Michigan. We got some snow while I was gone and it was kind of pretty I guess but to me it just made everything more barren and dead looking.

I was home a little while and Joanie was tiptoeing around me. She knew this had been hard and she knew there wasn't anything to talk about. I was scared I'd never see my brother again and there wasn't more than that to discuss. It was not an irrational fear and there was no conquering it. I was sad and the only thing I could do was throw myself into my work. I had been totally honest with Kid about what he had meant to me growing up. I felt sometimes like the work I did was somehow paying him back the only way I could for saving my life. I had a couple of tough cases that year that took a lot of energy and I was taking classes to get that master's degree I really needed to truly do what I wanted to do. I'm sure I was neglecting Joanie and I know Kid wasn't the only reason for that either but it was as good an excuse as any at the time. It saved me having to have a discussion I didn't want to have right then.

November shifted to December and a week or so in I got a call from the hospital. It was Buck and he wanted me there. I got over there as fast as I could and found him in the waiting room drinking coffee and looking like he'd already had too much of it. Ike was just watching helplessly as Buck paced a little too fast to really be a pace. It was almost more like he was well, I don't know the word but he was pacing really fast and almost furiously.

"Any word on Carol yet, Buck?" I asked as I walked in the room.

"Nothing," he said finally stopping his mad pacing. Ike got up and said he needed to check in at home and went to find a phone.

"Talk," I said.

"Counseling has been going really good," he told me, "That friend of yours is really good at this."

"I know but you didn't call me down here to tell me he's good at his job."

"I love her, Jimmy," he admitted, "I think I love her more than when we were dating because I know her now. I don't think we ever really knew each other before. I do now. I know what she thinks and feels and what makes her happy and sad. I can tell her those things about me too. I don't want my marriage to be over and I don't want to be the guy who could turn his back on a baby but I don't know if I can raise this kid if it's not mine."

"Why don't you just wait to meet the little one first? You don't know how you'll feel yet."

We sat a while longer and Ike came back and joined us. Eventually a nurse came in to lead Buck to her room. Ike and I hung outside the room or tried to but Buck pulled me in with him. Carol was holding a little bundle and she looked tired but happy.

"Hi Jimmy," she said smiling at me.

"Hi Carol, how are you feeling?"

"Not too bad considering," she replied. Then she turned her attention to her husband and peeled back the part of the blanket that was obscuring the baby's face. I breathed a little sigh of relief at seeing the darker and slightly reddish skin tone. Buck did too and took a step forward. He was right up next to her bed looking at that sweet little face that looked just about exactly like Lisa's except this kid didn't get those blue eyes but dark brown ones like Buck. I saw the grin start to spread on his face and felt one going across my face too. Carol held the baby up a little and said, "Well Daddy, would you like to hold your son?"

Now I have both a son and daughters and there is a very special bond between daddy and daughter but there's something about having a son, a little you to carry on your name and things that sound chauvinistic these days but they still matter to men. Buck took the kid into his arms and cradled him close.

"We've never even talked about names," he said to Carol.

"I was thinking Gregory," she answered.

"I like it," he told her and I went out in the hall to tell Ike the good news.

* * *

><p><strong>so hurray for little Gregory Cross. Honestly he told me his name was Gregory. I like it little Greg Cross...Can't you just picture a chubby miniature Buck...you know you'd just fall in love with him. And thank God he looks just like Buck...he and Carol still have work to do on their marriage but I think they'll be okay in time and she was right after all about the paternity.<strong>

**As for the other part of this chapter...the whole time I wrote it I had a song stuck in my head to the point where i had to play the song and then it was still in my head. It's called "For Good" and it comes from the musical Wicked. Here are the lyrics if you are unfamiliar:**

**I've heard it said that people come into our lives for a reason bringing something we must learn and we are led to those who help us most to grow if we let them and we help them in return.  
>Well I don't know if I believe that's true but I know I'm who I am today because I knew you<br>Like a comet pulled from orbit as it passes a sun  
>Like a stream that meets a boulder halfway through the wood<br>Who can say if I've been changed for the better  
>But because I knew you<br>I have been changed for good**

**It well may be that we will never meet again in this lifetime so let me say before we part  
>So much of me is made of what I learned from you and you'll be with me like a hand print on my heart<br>And now whatever way our stories end, I know you have rewritten mine by being my friend  
>Like a ship blown from its moorings by a wind off the sea<br>Like a seed dropped by a skybird in a distant wood  
>Who can say if I've been changed for the better<br>But because I knew you  
>I have been changed for good.<strong>

**And just to clear the air I ask forgiveness for the things I've done you blame me for  
>But then I guess we know there's blame to share and none of it seems to matter anymore<br>Who can say if I've been changed for the better  
>I do believe I have been changed for the better<br>And because I knew you I have been changed for good.**

**So needless to say with that soundtrack and that scene in the kitchen and the whole subject matter, I cried my little wee eyes out for you all. Somebody hug Jimmy...and Kid...and me while you're at it!-J**


	65. Chapter 65

Things were better for Buck and Carol after that. I'm not going to say they were all better or anything. I wasn't inside the marriage and I wasn't their marriage counselor but I would hazard a guess that it wasn't ever exactly the way it was before. Possibly it was stronger in some ways. There is a saying that everyone breaks but some choose to become stronger at the broken places. It's a quote or something. Anyway, I'm sure in some ways they were better but I'm guessing they had some issues they could never really get past. You just never know how something like that will hit you. They both had some assumptions to get over. I will say he was more affectionate to her after all that and he doted on little Greg. Of course when you see your own face looking back at you it's hard not to. Lisa thought her little brother was the greatest thing ever and she seemed a lot happier too which told me there probably wasn't the fighting there had been. It was good to see them though. He always had an arm around her shoulders and he would kiss her and rub her back and she would sometimes just sit close to him if everyone was sitting around talking and just hold his hand. Sometimes it's just that awareness.

As much good as it did my heart to see Jesse developing that nice bond with Sam and seeing him dote on Emma and as happy as I was for Buck and Carol being able to make it work, I was still a mess. I had those couple kids that needed more than the others and I still wondered if I could help them at all and then I didn't even want to get out of bed most days. I guess I know that's depression right there and I knew why. Like I said, the fear I had was a rational one. There's no combating rational fears. The problem is that I was moping around like the fear had come true and he was dead or something and that was no way to be. I wrote him letters weekly and kept my tone light and told him all the good news like how good it was to see Emma's belly grow and how happy Jesse was and how adorable Greg was. I didn't tell him that the end of a term in law school wasn't any different than the end of a term in undergrad had been for Joanie. She knew that stuff inside and out and was always top of her class but she always went a little off the rails too. I didn't tell him I was a shell of myself and slept little for the nightmares of what he might be going through. He didn't need that. He needed me to be there for him. He needed to know he wasn't alone and that his family was still there waiting for his safe return. It was hard not to write it all though. He was the only one who would understand where I was in my head right then and I couldn't talk to him about it.

I did get Joanie through the end of her term and got me through mine as well and by Christmas was feeling like maybe I was even making inroads with one of those kids. Somehow it seemed a dismal holiday. Chanukkah was long over by Christmas that year. It had actually started while I was down seeing Kid off. In fact while we were having that little talk around his kitchen table Jewish families everywhere were drifting off to sleep with their bellies full of latkes and their minds filled with the image of that first candle. I was home for the last six nights but even that seemed hollow. We put up our tree and Joanie baked cookies and we sat on Christmas Eve watching the lights on the tree glow softly while we sipped some wine. I turned in early but Joanie said she wasn't tired. I don't know how she couldn't have been but that's what she said. The next morning I woke to the smell of pancakes cooking and staggered out into the living room. Joanie must have heard me rattling around and was standing there with a cup of coffee. I tried to take it from her but she held it away from me and rose on her toes to kiss me. I took the mug and set it on the table and wrapped my arms around her and kissed her proper. I realized at that moment I had been terribly neglecting my girl. I hadn't kissed her like that since sometime before I went on my little trip. I finally parted from her and she smiled at me.

"Well, welcome home," she said and I went back in for another kiss but she ducked away and handed me my coffee again. "It's Christmas morning, James. There's a protocol involved and it doesn't involve your tongue in my mouth for at least another hour."

"Just a kiss Joanie," I pleaded.

"When you have that look on your face it's never just a kiss that you want."

Okay, she was right. I didn't want a kiss. It had been weeks and I knew that was my fault but I still wanted her right then and I didn't want to wait an hour or more. But she wasn't budging on this. I tried looking sad and pleading and she just laughed at me.

"Drink your coffee, James," she said, "And eat some breakfast."

"It's not going to take me an hour to eat breakfast," I told her getting my hopes up—along with something else—as I remembered we didn't do Christmas presents and with the wedding and everything that year we had only exchanged small Chanukkah gifts. When you're newly married and that much in love, not much else matters but being together.

"I know that," she replied, "But there's more to Christmas than breakfast. In fact, if memory serves from your lessons through the years breakfast isn't even the way Christmas morning starts."

"We don't do Christmas presents, Joanie," I reminded her, "And if I tell you I'm not hungry for pancakes then there's nothing standing in the way of me picking your right up and carrying you off to the bedroom and making up for how I've neglected you the last few weeks."

"Well, it has been lonely since you've been back but I think you should check under the tree."

I looked over and there were presents under there. There shouldn't have been. I had already mailed the ones for Lou and the kids and the ones for the party at Emma's that day were already at Emma's. The area under the tree had been bare when I had gone to bed the night before. I walked slowly to the tree and sank to my knees next to the packages wrapped in green and red. Joanie knelt next to me and leaned forward and picked up one package. It wasn't big. I looked at the tag and it simply said, 'To: James From: Joanie'. I tore away the paper to find a framed picture of the whole gang at our wedding. Joanie and I were at the center and surrounded by Emma and Al. Lou, Kid, Billy, Ike and Buck completed the picture. I know we had pictures in our wedding album with the wives and the kids but this was just my family that I grew up with. These were the people who saved me, who taught me what family was, who made me the man I was. I looked up at her in wonder that she would know just what I needed. After all those years I should have known she always did know what I needed. I got so used to being her hero but I forgot sometimes that self assured woman who first brought that 'Vette to Al's garage. She was just as capable of saving me from my own self as I was her.

"It's for your desk at work," she explained, "Men usually do keep pictures of their families on their desks."

"I have a picture of you," I said.

"I'm not your only family."

She then handed me a larger package and again the tag was simple and only said it was for me from her. I opened it to find a photo album. I flipped through and there were pictures of all of us growing up, pictures from their prom and pictures of Joanie and me going to her prom and pictures of everyone's weddings. There were even pictures of Jesse. The best ones were just the simple ones that weren't posed. Pictures I knew Emma had taken through the years of us kids sitting on her porch or hanging out in Al's office.

"How did you even get these?"

"Emma still had the negatives and Billy has a friend who does photography for the Freep. He knew how to develop them."

I stopped and stared at the last picture in the book. Emma must have taken it. I was all of maybe twelve or thirteen and leaning under the hood of some old Ford and Al was leaning in with me pointing at something. I didn't remember that exact moment because there had to have been hundreds like it. They were the happiest of my life at that time. Someone thought I was worth trying to teach something to. Hell, someone thought I was worth something. He might have been a crazy old man who whistled funny songs and spoke in riddles sometimes but he was the greatest man I'd ever met. Other men might gain riches or power or commit great acts of bravery and all those men paled to that man taking the time in his day to show some poor delinquent how to fix a car. Because I wasn't just a delinquent; I was a scared kid just waiting for someone to give him a chance.

"There's one more, James," Joanie said softly holding the package out to me. There was an envelope on the front and I pulled it off and began to open it to read.

"Open the gift first and then read it," she said, "It makes more sense that way."

I tore the paper away to reveal a framed 8x10 of me and Kid. But it wasn't recent. We must've been maybe all of Jesse's age. There was just the two of us in jeans and t-shirts and I know it was some picture Emma made us stand for but we were smiling for real. I think she made us laugh or something or we had some inside joke between us that day. We had so little happy times as kids but there we were laughing. I opened the envelope and took out the note inside.

"My darling," it began, "I can hardly bear the sadness within you now. I know you are hurting and I know you are scared and I don't know what to do. I never got to meet the boys in this picture but I know the men they grew into. Strong, brave, kind men for whom nothing is greater than family. I can't keep your brother safe from harm and I can't promise his safe return and I can't even imagine how you feel right now. I can, however, remind you that once you and he knew happiness and maybe offer some hope you will know it again. With all my love, Joanie."

I didn't notice I was crying until I saw the drop of water hit the page in my hand. That was all it took for Joanie to crawl over to me and hold me tight to her.

"I'm so scared for him," I cried softly into her shoulder, "For me too."

"I know," she said rubbing my back, "I know." She held me for a while and then holding became kissing and I laid her on her back and we did something our friends with kids couldn't do anymore. We made love right there on the floor under our Christmas tree.

As hard as I cried, once I got over the tears I felt alive for the first time in the weeks since I watched Kid march onto that plane. I was still alive and he was still alive and we both were because of those boys in the picture and what they had been for each other. I owed it to them to live and enjoy this life I hadn't even dared to dream of before.

Eventually we got up off the floor and dressed and headed over to Emma's for our traditional family Christmas chaos. It was wonderful. I took the book of pictures Joanie had put together and we sat around looking through them and reminiscing about when we'd been kids. I know to someone my age now and even to Emma and Sam and Al we all were a bunch of kids still but those days seemed so far away and some of it for the better but then some of it for the worse too.

Lou called and we all got to talk to her for a little bit, Theresa too. It was nice to hear their voices and they sounded like they were managing alright. I could hear how much they missed us and reminded Lou that nothing kept her from coming up once Theresa was out of school for the summer and spend a little time with us. Maybe we could even take her and the kids up to the cabin and let them fish and swim and be rowdy little devils for a while.

"You know," she mused, "I think I'll do just that, Jimmy."

Her voice perked up so much then at just having something to look forward to even if it was six months off.

"You time it right and you'll make it here for Noah's wedding."

I think she liked that idea too. I think I felt good having something to look forward to as well. I mean there's only so much I could look forward to on any given day. There was work, school and studying. Joanie was always either at work, school or studying as well so there wasn't even a lot of us time either. I will say we made the most of the time we had. We were newlyweds after all but even so, it was nice to know Lou was coming with those kids and we'd get just a little piece of Kid with them.

* * *

><p><strong>Happy New Year everyone. Not all of 2011 was bad but enough was that I'm quite pleased to watch it fade in the rearview mirror. Money troubles, kid troubles, etc...need a few less troubles. In the midst of all the troubles there were blessings as well. I have written fanfic for a few years now but had never felt this outpouring of warmth and encouragement that I have in this fandom...you all are amazing and I love you. Through reviews and a fansite I have made new friends who have quickly come to mean the world to me. They keep me moving when I'm stuck, challenge my ideas and thoughts and make me better daily and also provide a laugh when I get to mired in the mortal peril and doomydooms or saddysads (glowing things, special forces and centaurs...heeeheee not to mention our insane crossover ideas...I know the Monty Python one has merit but I think we could really make the Muppet one work too...can't remember all the others we have thought of but just wait dear readers until you all get to read the incredible Scooby Doo-TYR crossover one of our talented writers has been working on for your reading pleasure. I know it will blow your mind. You know I still think one of us should do the Princess Bride one too...the Dread Pirate Hickok has to happen!) I could not make it through a day without your encouragement, love, support, laughter and pictures of baby animals.<strong>

**I look to 2012 with hope for so many things in my life and the lives of those I love. Here's to finding jobs or finding better jobs and to the health of our loved ones and to many many more tales of our dear Hunks on Horseback!-J**


	66. Chapter 66

"Can you believe that, James?" Joanie asked me bringing me out of my own little world and back to the one I inhabited with her. We'd made it through the New Year and into the drudgery of regular life again. I worked all day with kids I wasn't sure I could really help while she divided her time between school and work. My evenings were mostly spent either in classes or at a library studying or researching. I didn't even understand why I was still bothering. Nothing seemed to have a damned point anymore. Yeah I know those pictures were there to remind me that I had life and something to live for and I know the times when Joanie and I were actually together was a reminder of that too. I mean, how could I not want to strive for something when I could come home to her? Still I spent a good amount of time lost in my own head.

"What was that?" I asked realizing that it was better to just admit I hadn't been paying attention than to try to fake it.

"That story on the news," she clarified with some annoyance, "A man in Atlanta would rather close his restaurant than serve a negro. And then he had the chutzpah to blame the Negro man for ruining his business."

"Yeah, that's bad," I said and I know I sounded pretty apathetic. The fact she was sliding in the Yiddish should have clued me in to where her temper was right about then but I wasn't paying enough attention.

"James, I can't even believe that tone," she said though she was nearing a good yell. "Put aside that treating every man as an equal is just the right thing to do and it is the law. Segregation is illegal. Did you even see the banner over the sign? 'Closed by L.B.J.'? How in the world can people even look themselves in the mirror?"

"I don't know, Joanie," I replied and it was a snippy reply I'll grant you so I will say I probably deserved what came next. I'll have you know first of all that I didn't dispute a single thing that came out of her mouth. She was right and that man in Atlanta was flat wrong and I would never say otherwise but right then I just wasn't in the mood for that.

"James!" she yelled and I know she yelled plenty more and I heard some of it before I made it to our room and slammed the door behind me. There was plenty about how these same people would turn her out just as fast because of her maiden name and her features and how these were the people who'd beaten Aaron within an inch of his life and how they would have killed him for sure if they had known anymore about him. There was something about Noah too but I didn't really hear that part. Nothing she said was false and most days I cared too. I know that the types who were for segregation thought as little of Jews as they did blacks. I could pretty easily pass too being a convert and all but I wouldn't go anywhere Joanie wasn't allowed and her features were just way too Jewish to be mistaken for anything else.

Well, it's not like there was a lock on the bedroom door or anything and Joanie came right in without too much of a pause. I was on the bed pretending to read and trying to look mad. I don't know why I thought it would be better if she thought I was mad at her than what I was really feeling but that's what I went for anyway.

She was still yelling though I wasn't making out words or anything by that time. It was all just noise coming at me like every other rotten thing at that time. I realized she had stopped and was just staring at me. I had no idea if she had yelled herself out or if she had asked me a question and was waiting for a response so I just stared at her. That started another tirade.

"You weren't even listening, were you James?" she was screaming again and I just couldn't take it anymore. I got up and went right past her. I grabbed my coat as I went out the front door and slammed it hard behind me. I didn't know where I was going or why I had left even. I should have talked to her, I suppose but for some reason I just couldn't. Remember once I said I was real good at falling in love and not so good at the rest of it? Yeah, four years of schooling to get better at dealing with people and the one I handled the worst was my own wife. That's not all that uncommon I found out later but I felt like a failure as a husband right about then and I was feeling like a bit of a failure as a counselor and even as a friend. So outside with my head down against the snow and wind seemed the right place for me that night. I certainly didn't deserve better. I don't know why I didn't get in my car at least but you know how it is when you're upset and you just need to walk it off. I walked it off so much that I found myself standing in front of the garage. It was close enough to Al's that I headed that way. A few feet further and I would have been to Emma's but I didn't really deserve her mothering right then. I wasn't sure I deserved the warmth of Al's house but I was froze near through by that time. It was windy, the snow was blowing and the temperatures were probably in single digits. I grabbed a coat but no hat or even gloves when I went out. It wasn't well thought out but then there's lots I've done in my life that I didn't think through too well. I knocked on the door. Al looked puzzled when he opened it but then got all concerned looking and nearly drug me into the living room.

"Dammit Jimmy," he said, "I just got off the phone with your wife. She's worried sick. Where in blazes have you been?"

"Walking," I told him.

"And you ended up here?" he asked incredulously, "It's a good four miles from your place to here. Thermometer out back says it's only eight degrees."

"Sounds about right," I said as he nearly pushed me to sit on the couch. He threw one of Emma's crocheted creations on me and then went to the kitchen to pour me a cup of coffee.

"What are you thinking running off like that leaving your poor wife to worry?" he demanded.

"I don't know Al," I said, "I just had to get out of there. She was yelling about something and I just couldn't care about it today."

He sighed and looked at me with more sympathy than I felt I warranted right about then.

"I should've just stayed working for you, Al," I told him, "I should've never kissed Joanie. I should've let her be. She would have found some nice guy who was smart. I can't do anything. You've seen where she grew up and I've got her living in some dinky apartment. I don't know what possessed me to think I could help those kids at school. I'm too much of a mess myself. I hear them tell me how they live and I don't know how to help I just want to punch something. I don't know how to be a husband. I was probably better off when I swore off women."

"I know it seems that way sometimes, Jimmy," Al said resting his arms across his belly, "Women ain't easy to figure out and neither is life most times. You're good enough at that job of yours because you care about those kids. You feel like you can't help them because you're the only one that does care."

He leaned forward like he was making sure I was paying enough attention to hear the next part. Like it was extra important or something.

"No man really knows how to be a husband any more than a woman knows how to be a wife. We kind of have to figure it out on the job so to speak. Now you couldn't think how to tell her whatever it is what's bothering you and you feel like a failure as a husband. How do you think she feels sitting at home thinking she drove her husband out into the snow on a night like this?"

I just looked down into the dark liquid that filled the cup in my hand.

"Now I know this can't be the first fight you've had with her," he said gently and I shook my head. "From the look of you I'm going to say it was the first since you got yourself hitched."

I nodded.

"It was stupid too," I said.

"They usually are," he smiled at me. "Lucille and I had some doozies in our day. I would say probably most of them were my fault but I wasn't ever about to admit that at the time. I'll tell you there's a bright spot to having a fight."

"How can there possibly be a bright spot?"

"You get to make up," he said with a devilish grin and a wink. He didn't wait for any other response from me; just stood and headed for the phone. He didn't even try to speak soft so I wouldn't hear or anything.

"It's just me, Joanie…he's safe…yeah, darned fool…no, don't you get all weepy there…I'll bring him to you now, you just sit tight."

"You don't have to take me home, Al," I told him.

"I'm not letting you walk all the way back home," he said, "You ain't exactly dressed for the weather."

To be honest I'd been inside with a hot cup of coffee in my hands for a good fifteen minutes at that point and my hands were still cold enough to feel like they didn't want to move so I gave in and let the old man drive me home. Besides, I couldn't let Joanie worry for me any longer and if I didn't let him drive me he'd have just called her and then she would've come out in the cold looking for me. Al got me to my apartment building and I trudged up the stairs wondering the whole time what I was going to say to her to even try to explain myself. I reached for the doorknob and had it in my grasp before it flew out of my hand and Joanie threw herself at me.

"I was so frightened," she said between planting kissed all over my face and neck. There were tears streaming down her face as she pulled me inside and to the davenport. She got me to sit down and wrapped a blanket around me and then bustled off returning moments later with a cup of hot tea and another blanket.

"I'm so sorry," she said still crying, "I didn't even think. I should have noticed."

I just stared at her in wonder.

"The story before the one that got me so worked up was about the latest casualties in Vietnam," she went on, "God, I hate that war so much I guess I just tune it out and I might not have even figured it out but I called Emma and she was crying about it and then I saw the mail from today. I didn't know you'd gotten a letter from him."

"I shouldn't have left," I said, "I shouldn't have ignored something that was upsetting you. There's no excuse."

"No, you shouldn't have left," she said cuddling close to me and nestling her head against my shoulder. "I was so scared. But it really was my fault."

"You know what I would tell a couple that came to me with this fight?"

"What's that, my love?"

"I'd say she shouldn't have been so quick to fly off the handle," I told her, "And then I'd tell him he should have spoken up instead of expecting her to read his mind."

She laughed at me although it sounded strange because she'd just been crying.

"Are you warming up?" she asked.

Now actually I was warming up nicely and I was in no danger of dying from exposure although I was still a little chilly. A Michigan wind in February can really cut right through you.

"Might warm up a little better if you was under the blankets here with me."

Then Joanie got that gleam in her eyes.

"You know I read somewhere about the best way to warm someone up who's freezing," she told me with a smirk that made me wonder what she had up her sleeve. "Come with me."

She took my hand and pulled me to the bedroom and began to take my clothes off.

"Joanie," I said, "I'm trying to stave off hypothermia, not heat stroke."

"I know," she whispered low in my ear making all my hairs stand on end.

Once she had me undressed she half pushed me onto the bed and pulled the blankets over me. I was still shivering until I saw what she did next.

"See, I read somewhere that the body heat of another person was the best way to warm someone who had been exposed to the cold," she explained as she lifted her shirt over her head discarding it on the floor and then reached behind herself to unclasp her bra. "Now to truly get my body heat," she went on unzipping her jeans and pushing them down followed by her panties. "There can't be anything to interfere in the transfer of that heat."

Then she climbed into bed and cuddled right up tight to me. Parts of me warmed up pretty quick, that's for sure.

"If I remember correctly from science class," she said softly, "Friction generates heat."

She started rubbing against me and that made me just need to rub against her and eventually I was plenty warm, maybe even too warm because I'm sure I was sweating. I couldn't help chuckling.

"What's so funny?" she asked.

"Something Al said about the good part of fighting was the making up."

"I always thought he was a very wise man," she said.

"Wiser than I am," I agreed.

"He's had a lot more time to get that way, my love."

I thought about that and I know what she said was true. I was still awful young then but I think about how now I'm older than he was back then and really older than he ever made it to and still I don't think I'm near as smart as that man was. Of course, maybe he didn't really think he was that smart either. After all the grandkids still haul their behinds to my door when they need some advice so maybe I'm smarter than I think. Or maybe they're a really bad judge of advice givers.

* * *

><p><strong>Okay...I spent yesterday watching old news footage of Vietnam to get an understanding of what Jimmy would be seeing and the emotional toll that would take on him. I would have liked to have written earlier but J&amp;J were "busy". They are newlyweds after all and sometimes I can't get Jimmy to stop kissing his wife long enough to talk to me. Anyway, I caught a news broadcast that led off with casualties in Vietnam and then went to a story from Atlanta where a man really did close his restaurant for good rather than have to allow black people to dine there. I knew that would just steam Joanie's shorts when she heard that and Jimmy would still be reeling about the Vietnam stuff...next chapter really gets into the war story and Kid's letter. And I'm such a nerd that writing chapter 66 had me humming the old song Route 66 all day so far...hehehe-J<strong>


	67. Chapter 67

We did a good job of 'making up' that night. Over the years I learned some stuff about marriage and one of the biggest was that fights don't mean a hell of a lot. It really is in the making up and I don't just mean the sex or even the kissing and making up. I mean it's the knowledge that you can work through things. People get mad and people don't always get along but if they can get over their mad, even if that means yelling it out, they can talk and once you talk then things get better usually. I'm not saying every conflict of every marriage can be solved this way but fights don't have to be the end of the world and they don't have to mean anything other than you both are human. We'd all love to think that you get the white dress and tux and trade those rings and live happily ever after like the storybooks say but no one's happy all the time and the people we live with often see us at our worst.

"I didn't even hear all of that news report," she said, "I heard 'Vietnam' and tuned the rest out. What was it?"

"Well there was an air strike by our guys on some place in North Vietnam," I told her, "I don't think there were casualties there but then there was an attack by the Viet Cong on one of our places. Some soldier heard them setting charges to blow up at the doors and windows of the barracks and stuff like that. So this soldier sends up the alarm and opens fire but he gets killed himself."

I know my voice cracked and Joanie tightened her grip on me. We were still in bed and it was late enough that's where we were staying until morning.

"I just couldn't help but think that what if it was Kid?" I said, "It could be him as easily as anyone else."

I could feel the hot tears hitting my chest and then she kissed over each one that fell. The kisses weren't an attempt to get anything started and I knew it and was grateful. Joanie was a great distraction from the things happening in the world but I couldn't always be distracted. I felt guilty sometimes that Joanie I think might have felt a little like she was taking a back seat to Kid. Of course I think she understood too. I know if anything had happened to Judy and in fact when there were times to have worry for Judy I was way below her sister in her mind. You don't have to have a messed up childhood to appreciate and need the people who were there for all your growing pains. I still sometimes felt bad that it seemed I was almost closer to Kid than my own wife but she never seemed to care. I'd love to say it never came up between us but it did more than once. Mostly I know she understood.

"I'm sorry," she choked out.

"I know it's not him though," I told her, "His bunch was moving out into the jungle more when he wrote so he's not on any type of installation that's official or anything. Just made me realize how real the danger is though."

"What else did he write?" she asked, "If you don't mind telling me that is."

"I don't mind at all," I answered, "I know he wouldn't either. He thanked you for the goodies you sent and said the rest of the guys appreciated it too. Not everyone gets care packages like he does but between you and Emma he knows he can count on some nice taste of home from time to time."

"I wish I could do more," she whispered and I rubbed her back. If I'd been angry before and that's a big if because I still don't think I really was, I knew I couldn't stay that way. She got passionate about things, sure but she was always passionate on the side of helping people and being a loving soul. It's hard to fault a person for that.

"You do all I could ever ask of you," I told her, "Some days you do even more than that. You do so much for me and then ease my worry even more by trying to take care of him too. There's nothing more I could ask of you."

"I think I'll have some time this weekend to get another batch of cookies or something ready to send."

"I know he'll appreciate them," I said softly, "I think the film will be ready by then. Remember we took that whole roll at Christmas just for him? All the kids and the whole gang and Rosemary. He's never seen her."

"By the time he comes home, they'll be married," she observed, "Maybe that's for the best."

"What does that mean?"

"Rosemary's very passionate about things," Joanie explained trying to stay tactful. "My blow up earlier at the news is nothing to what she would have done and she's just as hostile about the war. I don't like the war, James, and I wish it were over and the boys all home safe but she gets a venom that he doesn't need to hear."

"I'm sure you're exaggerating," I said and I kick myself now for ever doubting Joanie. She had an instinct about people that I lacked and she was usually right. She liked Rosemary well enough most of the time and they agreed on basic principal but I came to know that the methods by which they believed their objectives could be met were very different. If I thought Joanie came with problems, I had no idea what Noah was setting himself, and the rest of us, up for. She was positively sweet as pie to me and I know that should have sent up red flags right there that someone so active in the civil rights movement would act so demure around men. But I was an idiot back then I call into evidence my stomping out into a snowstorm in February. And my next sentence to Joanie.

"I know you usually put a letter in when you send him a package," I began, "Maybe you should skip the description of where you were a week ago."

Now just about a week before a professor at U of M got into his head to organize a demonstration that was well attended and sparked a bunch more on campuses across the country. Joanie was there with Noah and Rosemary and I think even little Judy. Yeah I knew I should stop thinking of her as little Judy but that never entirely happened.

"And why should I?" she asked, "I was there for him. I'm not an idiot, James. I know that not all war is unnecessary. I shudder at what happened before the concentration camps were liberated and nothing short of military intervention was going to liberate them. I light candles every Chanukkah and that event we celebrate only came about as a result of war. It's not all war; it's this war. It's wrong and there are other ways it could be handled. Kid needs to be home, safe with his family."

She sat up and the blanket fell away from her chest. You know, we were both still naked and she was exposed which is a way I loved seeing her but right then might have been the only time I ever saw her naked and couldn't feel glad about it.

"How can you even think of doing that to him?" I asked, "He's terrified and lonely and missing home and you're going to tell him how 2,500 people just got together to protest what he's doing?"

"What he's being ordered to do," she clarified, "It's not the soldiers we're protesting. It's the decisions by their superiors."

"Joanie, he likes you, he respects you and if you tell him about that demonstration, it will crush him."

"I'm sure I can make him understand that I go to things like that because I love him, and you, so much. I want our family and all we consider family to be safe."

"Honey," I said softly not wanting to start another fight at least partly because I really didn't have the energy for anymore 'making up'. "I think about the only thing he can understand right now is fear, loneliness and trench foot."

"Ugh, really, James?" she said rolling her eyes at me and I think her resolve was crumbling. "You had to give me that visual? That's disgusting."

"This from a woman whose idea of a great first romantic getaway involved an outhouse."

"You didn't complain at all on the beach that last night," she shot back at me and well, no I didn't and I don't know a man who wouldn't agree to an outhouse for a week if it meant sex at the end.

"Do we have to fight again?" I asked, "I love you and I understand why you were at the demonstration. I'm proud of you for it even. I agree Kid needs to be home and not God only knows where in the jungles half way around the world. I'm just asking a favor that you leave that little tidbit out. Surely there's more to talk about than that."

"Because I love you and you think it will upset him I will omit that part," she said, "You know the last thing I want to do is make this harder on him, right?"

I nodded and then looked over at the clock on the nightstand and sighed. It was late and six o'clock wasn't nearly as far off as I wished it was. It would have been better planning for me to act a fool when it wasn't a school night. Joanie followed my gaze and sighed herself. It was going to be a coffee filled day for both of us.

I was right about that next day. I thought I was going to die for most of it and then ended up spending the afternoon apologizing to the secretary for biting her head off. She was a nice lady, Florence was her name. She forgave me pretty quick but that was after I ran out on my lunch break and bought some flowers for her desk. Most stupid things men do can be smoothed over with flowers and a little groveling.

I was just getting settled at my desk with yet another cup of coffee and some overdue paperwork when I heard a knock on the door frame. I kept a pretty loose office. As long as the door was open, students could wander in. I only ever closed it if I wasn't in there or if I was already speaking with another student. I looked up and there was one of my tougher cases, Cathy, standing in the doorway looking as timid as usual. Cathy'd had a rough go of things in her life and I think she sort of felt she deserved the bad that happened to her. She was a bright girl and a pretty enough thing too, about Judy's age I guess because she was a senior that year. I had been trying to convince her that she could in fact go to college if she got a couple of her grades just a little higher. Scholarships have always been there and there were student loans at the time and a booming job market so that she wouldn't have any trouble at all finding work and paying off loans if she needed them. It was her confidence in herself that was lacking. It wasn't as easy to help the girls sometimes as the boys and especially when I was starting out. I thought of myself as so much older and I guess that was just how long it had been since I had been in high school but I was reminded the first day of school that I wasn't really that much older than these kids and the girls didn't let that pass notice at all.

Cathy wasn't any different and when she'd first come to me I couldn't even get her to look at me, much less say anything. Finally I got her talking and it was hard I will say. If a guy is feeling bad about not having a girl or something like that, it's easy to talk guy to guy but a girl's insecurities are harder for a man to address. If I tell a girl she's pretty it can get taken the wrong way. It's not that I couldn't do it but it took a lot more thought and I was always worried I wasn't doing enough to help poor Cathy. I had gotten her placed in a different foster home before the holiday break. They weren't feeding her at the old one. It was hard to get kids out of foster care in those days. Getting them out of a bad home with their folks was relatively easy. The parents didn't want to have to worry about them anymore anyway. But foster families get paid some and they don't want to give that up. I did it though and I was kind of proud but you never know with that if you haven't just pulled them from the frying pan and tossed them right into the fire. I was glad to see her but at the same time a little scared to find out how things were for her.

"You know you don't have to just stand in the doorway, Cathy," I said smiling. We had started with formalities as I did with most students but after a half year we had finally moved from 'Miss Reese' and 'Mr. Hickok' to Cathy and Jim. Now I'm sure if many of my colleagues had heard the kids call me Jim they would have been near scandalized but I needed the kids to open up to me and opening up to Mr. anybody was hard but opening up to Jim was alright.

"You're not busy are you, Mis-um-Jim?"

Yeah Cathy was still a work in progress and time was of the essence with her.

"Just hitting some of the paperwork that keeps me from doing the important parts of my job," I told her, "It can wait. Come on in."

She smiled a little and I treasured even that unsure little smile. I wasn't sure for a while if I'd ever get any expression from her at all. Cathy closed the door behind her and sat in one of the chairs opposite my desk.

"How are things, Cathy?" I asked and almost wasn't sure I wanted to know the answer especially when her eyes filled.

"Talk to me, Cathy," I nearly begged her, "I can only help if I know what's wrong."

"Nothing's wrong," she said with her voice wavering as she tried to turn her mouth into a smile. "Really, it's not. The lady at my new home, Donna, is a real nice lady. She taught me to sew and everything. Remember I nearly failed home economics because of my sewing?" I nodded wanting to encourage her. She rarely opened like this and she sounded almost excited.

"Well, Donna has so much patience I can sew anything now. I made this skirt," she stood and twirled proudly. I was proud of her too. "And she sits and talks to me and tells me stories. She always wanted children but couldn't have them. She's so nice. Thank you."

"Cathy, there is no need to thank me," I told her, "Just seeing you happy and hopeful is my thanks. I have to ask though if you've given thought to where you'd want to go when you turn eighteen."

"Donna says we're family as long as I need or want her," she said and I think right then she was even more proud of that than the skirt she made. "I think my sewing is good enough to get a job in a seamstress shop while I go to school."

"And what about after school?"

"Well, that's a long way off," she said and I could hear the excitement in her voice as she pulled a paper out of the stack of books in her lap. "All I needed was to bring my science grade up, right?" I nodded again and took the paper as she handed it to me. I was looking at her science progress report. She had gone from failing to a solid B. I was speechless. Then I know the goofiest smile ever spread across my face.

"I knew you could do this," I said, "I always knew it."

"I think you were the only one for a while."

She was right. I had gone around and around with Ken Nugent the science teacher about Cathy's grades. He really thought she wasn't capable. She sure proved him wrong.

"Jim," she began timidly and I was a little discouraged that she was back to seeming so shy around me. "Can I ask you something?"

I nodded knowing that there was no need to reiterate for the umpteenth time that my kids could ask me anything.

"You have new pictures on your desk," she observed, "Are they all your family?"

"Yeah, they are," I said and then explained, "This is my sister-in-law, Judy. She's about your age and she gave me this senior picture for Chanukkah. You do remember when I told you about Chanukkah, right?" Cathy nodded at me so I went on.

"This one is my whole family, I guess," I continued, "You know me and my wife from the other wedding picture but that's Al and Emma. They aren't together or anything and they never were but they're kind of parents to me all the same and the rest are my brothers and sister. Those two are Buck and Ike and I've known them since oh Lord, it must've been late in grammar school or maybe junior high when I met them and this is Bill Cody-"

"The guy on the news?" she asked

"That's him," I replied, "I met Billy in high school, I guess same as Lou here. Her name's Louise but we call her Lou and this guy is newer to our bunch but he got to be family all the same, his name's Noah."

"What about this man?" she asked, "He's so handsome."

"Yeah, Lou thinks so too," I said, "They got married. That's Kid. I've been friends with Kid since kindergarten. We were always there for each other until now."

"Why not now?" she asked.

I blinked a couple times. I was all about letting the kids know I was human and emotional too but I just couldn't let the tears get started right then, not when things were finally going right for this poor girl.

"He's in Vietnam," I answered.

"I'm sorry," she said and I knew she understood. The young are always the ones with the greatest burdens in times of war it seems. "So who's this kid?"

"That is Jesse," I said, "I worked with him when I was finishing up school and got him into a new home with Emma and her husband so I guess now he's kind of like a kid brother but he'll always be one of my kids, like you are."

"You think I'm your kid?"

"You're one of them," I told her, "I can't do this job any other way but to treat each of you like you're my own. Too many of you don't have someone who feels that about you anyway and it makes it easier to try to help you find what's best for you."

She smiled and I think for the first time she really believed that she should have love and hope and every good thing that any other soul walking this earth deserves.

"So who are those boys?"

"That's Kid and me when we was man, I guess maybe thirteen or fourteen."

"Jim," she said with much more confidence than I had ever seen from her and I think sometimes being reminded that every person you encounter was once a goofy kid really helps confidence. "Can I hug you?"

Now that was sort of crossing a boundary I wasn't sure about. I tried to stay pretty hands off with the girls I worked with. I didn't need to invite trouble. As it was I was pushing things letting the kids call me Jim and then the Beatles hair I was sporting then. But then when you have a student finally coming out of her shell you don't want to drive her back in with a rejection.

"Now Cathy," I said, "You know I'm a married man."

"And your wife is beautiful and smart and you're a good man and I wouldn't ever want you to do anything wrong," she said, "But if I'm one of your kids, like you said. I mean, don't you hug that Jesse kid?"

Well she had me there. I stood and opened my arms to her. Some girls I would still have put off but I had established well enough that this wouldn't come back to bite my butt. She looked a tiny but uncertain and then wrapped her arms around me and I gently hugged her back. Then she pulled away with a smile.

"Thank you," she said, "Whether you think you deserve it or not."

And then she was gone, out the door and to her next class.

I might have been tired beyond what I thought I could handle that day but it was turning out to not be such a bad day after all. I actually didn't have a class that evening and I knew Joanie was going to be late at work for some case her Uncle Eli had her working on so I headed over to the garage after work to touch base with Al and Jesse both.

"Well if it isn't the prodigal son returning at last," Al said wiping his hands on a rag.

"Are you trying to be that dramatic, Al," I asked, "Or does it just come natural?"

Jesse looked up from the car he was working on.

"Jimmy, what are you checking up on me or something?"

"Something," I said and Jesse sort of smirked at me.

We all heard the bell over the door ring and looked to see who came in. Then Al and I kept looking at the woman there, so much so that we didn't notice Jesse trying to slink away. She was quite a looker. Her blonde hair was pulled back severely like she was trying to hide how pretty she is or maybe make herself look older. Not that she was my age or anything but she was trying for old school marm and she was missing it by quite a ways. She probably wasn't much more than ten years older than me and she was dressing to try to hide a body that was begging to be noticed anyway. Now I talk about Al like he was some dottering old man or something but really he probably wasn't much over forty or forty-five at the time and he was fully capable of appreciating a woman like her.

"Can I help you?" Al said once he picked his jaw up off the ground.

"I was told Jesse James worked here," she said trying to look like she was out of patience with being there but there was something in here eye that said she was sort of happy she had to be there to meet Al. I looked around to find Jesse while Al let his eyes twinkle at her.

"What'd you go running off for?" I asked when I found him.

"That's Mrs. Dunne," he whispered, "She's my English teacher."

Well, that explained a whole lot about how she dressed and wore her hair. If her students thought for a moment that body was under that frumpy dress she was wearing she'd never get a thing accomplished as far as teaching Shakespeare or Milton. I contemplated dragging him by the ear but opted for the elbow.

Once Jesse was facing Mrs. Dunne he looked down at his feet.

"Jesse," she said turning stern all of a sudden, "It seems you forgot something today."

He looked up at her like he was confused.

"You forgot that you are in my fourth period class."

Now I was plenty mad at Jesse and so was Al but our mad was nothing compared to what would happen once Sam and Emma heard about this and especially with Emma in her current condition. And that is the first thing I brought up to Jesse.

"What is this going to do to Emma when she hears?"

The color drained from his face.

"Jimmy, you can't tell her," he said begging me, "She can't have stress right now. The doctor said at her age it's more dangerous. I'm sorry. I really am Mrs. Dunne. Please don't tell my parents. My mom's going to have a baby and it's risky. I won't miss class ever again. I'll do extra work. I'll do anything. Please."

He was actually starting to cry. I let Al handle Jesse and I pulled Mrs. Dunne aside.

"James Hickok," I said shaking her hand, "I was Jesse's social worker. He's been through a lot. I can't go into it all but I got him into a good home with a family that loves him. He's not lying. Emma's his mom now and she is expecting and it is a risky pregnancy. If he ever thought anything he did caused harm to that woman we might lose him entirely. Load him up with work and he'll do it."

"I have an assignment in mind that we'll call a makeup assignment for missing the class."

"Thank you," I said, "Emma was mom to me too."

"What's the story on Mr. Hunter there?" she asked and what I thought I saw in her eyes earlier was definitely there.

"Widowed," I said, "And from the looks of it, interested."

"I know the interested part," she told me, "He asked me to dinner. A lady does have to be careful, you know."

"A lady and her reputation would be very safe with Al Hunter. He's a good man."

"I suppose I will just have to accept that dinner invitation then," she said smiling.

* * *

><p><strong>Yeah...she really needs to accept that dinner invitation.-J<strong>


	68. Chapter 68

Sunday dinner sure was fun. And I do mean that at least a little sarcastic. Now the day started out alright though maybe not as much fun for poor Jesse who was trying not to pout too much over his boss going to dinner with his English teacher. Al was smiling like I don't think I'd ever seen him do before. I don't know what it was about this lady really. We'd had pretty and available women in the shop before but there was some sort of spark that passed between them when they met and she felt it too.

"So how did dinner with Mrs. Dunne go, old man?" I asked him.

"A gentleman doesn't reveal such things," he said lifting his nose in the air.

"Now Al," I said, "I assured that lady her reputation would be safe with you so you'd better not have been up to anything a gentleman can't reveal."

"All the years I've known you and have you ever had to deal with me telling you how to conduct your affairs with a lady?" Al asked getting testy. Now part of the reason I was so upset was that I had given this specific lady my word.

"Before Joanie, you ever seen me out with a lady?"

"Emma needs help, James," Joanie said coldly before letting the screen door fall shut and slamming the front door. It was probably a good thing right about then I still had the old davenport with the fold out bed. I was pretty sure that was going to be my best friend that night.

"Sorry Al," I said, "I gave her my word is all."

"We had a delightful dinner and I was a gentleman," he smiled at me and something told me he'd had one or two ungentlemanly thoughts during this dinner. "We're having dinner again this week. I might be so bold as to try for a goodnight kiss."

He winked at me and I sighed before heading into the house to see what Emma needed help with. If I didn't hurry she'd try to climb a step ladder herself with that ever growing belly of hers. Sam and Jesse had gone off to pick up some butter or eggs or something she needed. Buck and Carol weren't coming. They were spending more time at home when he wasn't working. They were doing better and that baby turned out to be the greatest blessing. Joanie, in one of her better moods, giggled to me that she'd be surprised if Greg didn't have a little brother or sister coming along soon. Not that sex is all there is to a relationship or a happy marriage but it's a decent sized part. It helps people feel valued; especially after a baby, women get plenty insecure about how they look when things are all out of place and sagging and stretched out. I know Buck didn't care about any of that. He always loved her and that was that. She'd always be about sixteen with a tight little body and her little bobby socks and saddle shoes in his eyes. That's the way it is with men when we love someone. No matter what changes Joanie's body ever went through, naked she always looked to me like she did that night on the beach at the cabin.

I found my way to the kitchen where Joanie was physically barring Emma from the step stool.

"You need that platter again, Emma?" I asked and tried not to shrivel up under Joanie's angry glare.

"Thank you, Jimmy," she said noting the look Joanie gave me and I mean it was THE LOOK. I'm not sure all women know that they're doing it when they do it but all men know exactly what I'm talking about. "I'm sure I could have gotten it myself."

"Not as long as I'm around," I told her, "And I dare to say Sam and Jesse would say the same thing. Heck, if I let you on that step stool, I think Sam would kill me and he does carry a gun."

Emma laughed and then got a serious look and nodded me toward my wife. I didn't really want to face her. A part of me was wondering why she was so mad since I made sure to say that she was a lady but then I know that a man doesn't always have to know what he did wrong to have done something wrong.

"I shouldn't have said that, Joanie," I said, "It was stupid and wrong."

"It's not what you said in the way you think," she told me, "I mean I don't like that side of you very much where you talk about women like that. I try not to think about how you might have been toward girls before you met me. But that's not what upset me."

"What is it then?"

"Sometimes I like to believe, even though I know it's not true, that I'm the only one."

"You are," I said.

"I'm not the only one ever."

"You're the important one," I assured her, "You're the only one now. And you're the best one."

She looked up at me strange and I looked around to make sure no one was near to hear it.

"You're really good at it," I clarified, "I've never had better. I guess that's at least partly because I love you but partly you're just that good."

Joanie blushed at me and wrapped her arms around my neck and kissed me deep. We didn't even hear the front door open.

"Geez, you two," Billy's voice cut through our amorous moment, "I thought all that ended once you got married."

"Not if you're doing things right," I told him going in for one more kiss.

"I told you so, Will," Sherry said elbowing him in the ribs. That girl was all kinds of good for him.

I couldn't help but laugh at poor Billy's predicament. I know he was scared of where this relationship was going but the rest of us could see it and could see he'd regret it forever if he let this one slip through his fingers which meant he would eventually have to decorate one of hers. That day was a little ways off though. Sherry wasn't like most girls and her world didn't revolve around a white dress or sparkly ring and she was getting enough of babies from her nieces and nephews. That wasn't going to work forever though and he knew it. That one remark of hers let me know marriage had been discussed. I think Billy was hoping Joanie and I hadn't heard it but we had and he knew I had from my laughter. Joanie giggled too.

"You should know better than to try to fool a smart woman like my friend, Sherry," Joanie said trying to chastise him through her giggles.

"Now Joanie you know it wasn't like that," Billy pleaded but the girls only laughed at him and headed to the kitchen to see if they could persuade Emma to get off her feet a little.

"You've been caught," I said putting an arm around his shoulders, "There's no sense in fighting it. You'll never be happy without her. You'll never be happy with anyone else."

"I can't marry her yet," he told me, "A woman like that shouldn't be married to the guy who's stuck doing the stupid story about the cat stuck up a tree."

"She agree with that?"

"I don't even care," he said, "I-I," his voice dropped to a whisper, "love her too much. I can't do that to her."

"You won't be covering Fluffy the stranded kitty cat forever," I reminded him.

"I know that but as long as I have the stupid stories I have to put her off a bit."

"I don't think she's as concerned about the ring as she might let on," I said, "I think as long as you let her know every now and then that she's it for you and always will be that she can be very patient."

"You think?" he asked.

"Yeah," I replied, "It took me two years to get a ring on Joanie's hand and I never serenaded her at dinner. I'm sure you have at least as much leeway."

Billy smiled and I think he was finally seeing something in his future that he never allowed in before.

We heard Jesse and Sam walk in with whatever Emma had sent them out for and right behind them was Noah followed by Rosemary. Noah was smiling but looked a little reserved about something. Emma came out of the kitchen and the look on her face said she'd been banished and wasn't happy at all about being kicked out of her own kitchen. I took her hand to lead her to a chair and Jesse was quick to jump up and take her other hand.

"I'm not an invalid, you know," she protested, "I could make it to a chair by myself and standing up isn't going to kill me."

"Well, you shouldn't have made yourself so important to us," I told her, "We're not going to take any chances with you or that little one you've got growing there."

She rolled her eyes and I'll tell you by that time I was immune to the eye rolls of women. Joanie was a master eye roller. I looked up to see Rosemary headed over with a big smile. She had a real pretty smile and I always thought that Noah was a pretty lucky man to have that smile for him. Of course my Joanie could light a room with hers so I knew exactly how lucky.

"Emma," Rosemary said sweetly, "Jimmy's right. You know we have to take care of ourselves for our babies and you especially."

"What did you say?" Emma asked. I could see her fighting to keep her voice level. It wasn't working and I honestly thought she was going to turn into one of those cartoon characters where the steam comes out their ears.

"Well, I only meant that at your age a pregnancy is more dangerous to you and to the baby."

"I got that," Emma said through her clenched teeth and Sam, Jesse and I were circled around her trying to keep her calm. It really was no good for her to get this worked up. "I was talking about the other thing you said."

"Well, we weren't going to tell anyone just yet but I guess I'm so excited I let the cat out of the bag," Rosemary said oblivious to the expression on Emma's face. "I'm due in August. Don't you just think it will be the most precious baby ever? Especially if it gets its daddy's eyes."

Of all of her adopted babies I know Emma never thought Noah would be the one coming to her with something like this. Buck threw her for enough of a loop. I think the only one she would have been more surprised by was Ike but he did it the right way in her eyes. For his part Noah looked like he wanted to fall through the floor. I know he had planned on telling Emma and the rest of us a little differently. You have to understand that 1965 was still a pretty conservative time and Emma was a very old fashioned woman. I think her reaction was more to how Rosemary told the news than the news itself. They were already engaged after all. I know if I had ever been the one that knocked up some girl I wasn't married to, she probably would have expected it. I'm sure she would have denied if I had said that but it's true anyway. I was the one most likely to get a girl knocked up and it's probably some kind of miracle that I didn't.

"Are you at least going to move the wedding up?" Emma choked out and Jesse ran to get her some water.

"I don't see why we should," Rosemary said matter of factly, "It's not like the baby would be born a full nine months after a wedding anyway. We're just going to go ahead and get married in July after Noah graduates and takes the bar."

Emma wasn't taking any too kindly to this and I could see Sam's reaction building to Emma's agitated state. I know that man would never strike a woman but he looked tempted right then. I took Rosemary's arm and pulled her out to the porch leaving Noah to try to talk to Emma.

"It's freezing out here," Rosemary complained.

"It's better here than in there right now," I said and I could barely hold my tongue for the things I wanted to say to her.

"I don't understand the big deal," she said haughtily, "Women get pregnant every day."

"In Emma's world women get married before they get pregnant," I informed her. "She's very protective of all of her children and she doesn't like seeing them put themselves behind the eight ball."

"We will be married before junior here comes," she defended blowing on her hands.

And you'll be a month from giving birth when you say your 'I do's'," I reminded her. "I know you don't like thinking of how people will think of things but that doesn't make Noah look very good to a lot of people. It's lucky he already has a job lined up with some very progressive people or you might have to fear him getting a job at all."

"You know we can't get all hung up on what people think."

"Rosemary, I love the world you dream of and I wish we lived in it but denying the reality around you doesn't change it," I said, "That woman in there doesn't care one bit about the color of someone's skin or the religion they were brought up in. She accepted and loved Joanie at first sight, Noah too. She never thought the first thing about the two of you being together. But she's a realist and she knows how much more of a challenge the world is for Noah. Plenty of people do see his color first and she knows the judgments fall harder on him. I like you, Rosemary, I really do. I cannot stand by and see hurt come to my family. Emma's not supposed to be upset right now. That baby is something she dreamed of and never thought she'd get again. Anyone costs her that and that person had better learn to like being out in the cold."

I stormed back in shutting the door a little too hard behind me. Rosemary stayed out for a while and I know she was thinking a little about what I said. I understood where she was coming from but it didn't change that there was something to the place Emma was coming from too. Noah had quickly become one of my brothers and I liked Rosemary and I think she was just not seeing the potential for harm in this situation. I really worried for him to follow along with whatever she said when she obviously didn't understand what it was to be him in that time.

Noah was sitting next to Emma with Jesse at her side. I don't know where Sam had gone. Men don't always handle their women being hurt or in peril. Chances are Billy or Al had pulled him off somewhere else to calm down so Noah could talk to her. Noah looked up when he heard the door close.

"Where's Rosemary?" he asked.

"On the porch," I told him, "I think she's thinking a little. I don't think it occurred to her that this would upset anyone."

"I wish those weren't the circumstances," Noah said, "I know she's happy about it and I guess I am too. I mean I'm going to be a father. That's pretty cool. Just wish it was a few months from now we got this news."

I nodded and Emma put a hand to the side of his face and patted it tenderly.

"She was right about one thing," Emma said, "It will be a beautiful baby."

* * *

><p><strong>Yeah it would be an awful cute baby...Rosemary is intensely dense in this chapter...I think I'll just hang out wherever Cody and Sherry are...they are adorable. I love them.-J<strong>


	69. Chapter 69

Emma leaned forward as much as her belly allowed and pressed a kiss to Noah's forehead.

"I still wish you'd move the wedding up or something," she said softly, "But you know this doesn't change how I feel about you, right? You're still family to me, one of my boys."

I could see Noah's eyes get moist. Emma could have that effect on people and you might not know it because she was such a no-nonsense lady but she could love something fierce. I think Noah was a little more accustomed to having someone love him like that because of the aunt that raised him but I know even she tore him a new one over knocking up his fiancée and I think she wasn't even too thrilled with his choice of fiancée. Even Emma didn't care so much about that. She only ever saw how happy Noah was and that was all that ever mattered to her about any of us.

I heard the door open behind me and saw anger flicker in Jesse's eyes and knew Rosemary had come in from the cold. Emma looked up and without even turning her head knew what Jesse's reaction was. She was quick to diffuse it in her own special style.

"You must be frozen dear," she said to Rosemary, "Come sit down. Jesse, go fetch that blue afghan from the hall closet. It's the warmest. As you said, we need to take care of ourselves for our babies."

Jesse did as he was told. Anyone else in the world and he would have protested but there was something about Emma that made you want to do anything for her even if you thought it was stupid. He got back quickly with the blanket like he didn't want to leave Emma alone too much with this woman who had already upset her so.

"I should apologize, Emma," Rosemary said looking at her lap once Noah had wrapped the afghan around her. "I didn't even think of how that news might upset you."

"This isn't the first little surprise to come toddling through our lives," Emma told her as she reached over and patted Rosemary's hands. "I expect we'll all get through it just as we have before. Lord, knows little Lisa is an angel straight from heaven even if she did cause some friction when we first learned about her."

"I really didn't mean to upset you, Emma. I suppose I'm just so excited about this and if I'm honest, maybe a little scared too," Rosemary said with a hint of a pout that even made me want to run over and comfort her. I might have too but Noah beat me to it "I think I cover the fear with more excitement. I know we will have the most beautiful baby. I just want to focus on the happy parts and try to forget about the scary parts."

"You know I've never asked but don't you have family somewhere?" Emma asked, "A mama or sisters to help you?"

"My mother died in childbirth and all I had was a brother, Isaiah," Rosemary explained, "He's gone now too."

"He was on the front lines down south," Noah interjected to save Rosemary from having to speak of her brother's death. We'd all in time learn the details of Isaiah's death but at that time it was enough to know he was in the civil rights movement in the south. It's not like I hadn't seen Aaron when he came home from Montgomery.

Emma slid from her seat and shifted over to the sofa where Rosemary was sitting and held her close while Rosemary cried for her brother.

"Then I guess we'll just have to get through this together, sweetie," Emma said smoothing Rosemary's hair, "At my age I'm a little scared too so maybe we can be strong for each other."

I know seeing the sadness and almost childlike fear on her face, I was grateful Emma could be there for her. I know Noah was too.

It wasn't long before Sherry and Joanie were calling us to the table for dinner. I guess the rest of the dinner was uneventful but Joanie kept shooting these strange looks in Rosemary's direction and I couldn't quite place them. They looked almost hostile but I couldn't see Joanie being that way. I know she talked often of how she didn't like Rosemary's sometimes nearly militant tactics but that couldn't be it, they were on the same side after all. I eventually came to realize that on a few key issues they were not on the same side at all.

Joanie was strange once we got home. I don't mean she was running around babbling and waving her arms in the air or anything. Just not her regular self is all. I knew something about Rosemary had upset her somehow but there was no way I was touching that topic.

"So, Sherry and Billy have been talking about marriage?"

"I don't think very seriously," she said, "Sherry's a little scared to marry him, I think. Don't take this the wrong way, because you know I like Billy and all, but he doesn't come off like good husband material. Besides, I think she's worried he'll expect her to be like his mom. She's so, well, you know, she's such a typical housewife."

I did know and it seemed odd to me that with all the fear I had that Joanie would expect that of herself that Sherry was worried Billy'd expect it of her. Sherry was no Donna Reed and she surely wouldn't be vacuuming in her pearls and having a batch of cookies hot from the oven ready when the kids got home or dinner promptly on the table when her husband came home. Billy was raised with that but I think he liked her being something different.

"She getting that fear because he's stalling?" I asked.

"I think a little," Joanie said, "But he was quite the ladies man before they met. She doesn't doubt he's faithful to her now but still, she worries. She's not made of stone."

"I know that, Joanie," I told her, "And I can't do much about her security as far as her fears about his roving eye. He'll always look and he'll always have that past but he doesn't want anyone but her anymore. As for the stalling, he's not stalling because he thinks he might find something better. He wants to be something better. He doesn't want her married to the guy who just did the on the scene report about the cat up a tree."

"She doesn't care about that," Joanie said simply.

"You know, Joanie," I said to her, "I don't care what you look like in the morning either but you do and you've convinced yourself that I should care. There's lots of stuff men think women care about and women think men care about and we're all wrong but it doesn't change anything. I think he's on the edge of some good stuff at work and I wouldn't be surprised if he celebrates his first big story with buying a ring."

"Billy Cody is insecure about something?" Joanie asked but not really asked, you know, "I think now I have heard everything."

"When I first met you I thought you were positively fearless," I told her, "We all put on a little of a brave face for the rest of the world. Bill's got a lot more to him than most would guess. I just hope he's letting Sherry in on it. He's a good guy once you get past the bluster."

"How could you have ever thought that about me?"

"You don't really know how you present yourself?" I asked and she shook her head. "Huh, well, I always thought it was on purpose to cover how scared I know you are sometimes. Imagine we've been together nearly five years and I'm just learning this now. You strike people at first blush as being confident and fearless, independent and completely self-sufficient. I know now that you need other people and you have fears like the rest of us. I learned that the hard way. I just thought the brave façade was intentional."

"I guess to some extent or another it is. I don't put it there consciously though," she said sort of defensively.

"Joanie," I said gently, "You don't think that was some sort of insult or anything, do you? I was surely sporting some attitude when we first met and I'd like to think you've realized that's not the real me either."

"I have," she told me, her voice soft, "I know you were just trying to protect yourself."

She walked to me and placed a hand so tenderly on the side of my face.

"I should have had more patience with you from the start," her voice was barely above a whisper and even that had a small hitch in it.

I took her hand and kissed her finger tips, "I should have been less of a jerk."

"At least you never tried to make my decisions for me," she said dropping her hands to her side and looking completely frustrated. "I haven't ever done that to you, have I? Make decisions for you, I mean."

"I don't believe so," I answered, "I like to think we're a pretty good thinking team as far as making decisions. Who's making choices for someone else?"

"Well, Billy for one," she said, "Deciding who he wants Sherry married to like she shouldn't have some say in the matter and Rosemary for another."

"I get Billy and I have a feeling Sherry will put her foot down if need be," I said, "But Rosemary?"

"I'm pretty sure she got pregnant on purpose," she snapped as if I had done it.

"Now, Joanie, you can't know that."

"You're right," she nearly growled, "I can't for sure but it would be just like her to try to make a point like that. She just lives to be shocking."

"That's awful harsh, sweetheart," I said, "She's scared and without any family but us right now."

"Did you know not pushing the wedding up was her idea?" she spat at me, "So scared of this that she wants to make her statement waddling her eight months pregnant self down the aisle to her black husband. Do you know how that makes Noah look?"

I did at that. No one outside would understand and he would be another irresponsible Negro shirking his responsibility.

"He wanted to push it up?" I asked, "He didn't mention that to Emma."

"Of course he didn't. He isn't going to go out of his way to make the woman he loves look bad. He'll play it off as a mutual decision but I know it's not. I talked to him."

"You don't know that. Maybe they did talk about it and reach this decision together," I said.

"I have a pretty good idea," she told me, "You want to talk about scared, Noah is terrified about this. He knows how bad this could get for him. He has a job at the firm but he doesn't want clients shying away from this immoral black man."

"I'd hate to think that their clients would do that. Your dad and the other partners have always been very vocal about civil rights."

"Believing in civil rights is all fine and good," she said, "The Anti-Defamation League is all about that and they are as much about helping blacks as the ACLU and the NAACP but even those who believe we're all equal will take some time to get used to a mixed couple and then with her flaunting her out of wedlock pregnancy, it will not go over well."

"I'm sure she just didn't consider all that," I said, "She's just so excited. She thinks this baby is a good thing."

That earned me a grumble from Joanie and I let it drop. Pursuing something after an angry grunt could land a guy on the couch. That was a fate I had managed to skirt earlier with some well placed words which was a rarity for me. Pressing my luck right then would not go well for me and I knew it. I opted for completely changing the subject.

"Emma looks good, don't you think?"

"And that's another thing," she started again angrily, "Not even a thought to what the stress of this announcement would do to poor Emma. It's not like Emma's done anything for her fiancé, hardly anything at all. Just been like a mother to him, just loved him like one of her own, just welcomed him into her family."

I'll admit that I thought all of this venom came from the fact that Joanie thought Rosemary was prettier than her. Rosemary was a beautiful woman but there was a spark in Joanie that was irresistible to me and I wasn't alone. I could see men admiring her when we were out together.

"Joanie, I really don't want to argue," I said holding up my hands in surrender, "Can we declare Rosemary an off limits subject for a while?"

She smiled at me and nodded and then looked unsure, "What do you want to talk about?"

"How about how sexy my wife is even when she's mad at me for being an idiot?"

She rolled her eyes at me but there was a glimmer of gratitude there as well.

"You roll your eyes all you want, ma'am but I'm going to carry you into that bedroom there and well, with those big brown eyes batting at me all day behind those glasses and those perfect lips I might just not be able to control myself."

I picked her up and put her over my shoulder and headed for the bedroom.

"James, you put me down this instant," she said but I'm pretty sure she was laughing at me all through her protestations. "You are being ridiculous."

I had her in the room by then and laid her gently down onto the bed brushing a stray curl from her face before I stood up straight.

"Joanie, there is nothing ridiculous about a man finding his wife sexy and wanting to do something about it," I told her, "You're just going to have to sooner or later deal with the fact that you do things to me that make me want to do things with you."

"What kind of things, James?" she asked and I noticed the glasses were on the nightstand so that I could see those big old doe eyes looking at me. I climbed onto the bed next to her and kissed her deeply.

"Kiss you within an inch of your life, for starters."

Well kissing was how things started but not how they ended. I didn't lie to her earlier that day either. She was the best I ever had.

We fell into a deep sleep but sometime in the night I came half awake and realized Joanie was holding tight enough to me that I might have marks around me the next day. I didn't want to wake her to find out what that was about, or the frightened noises she made in her sleep but I knew at some point I'd have to ask. It was possible there was just some dream that upset her or that she wouldn't even remember but if she was starting to have her nightmares again I wanted to know about it.

So, over coffee and eggs the next morning I brought it up.

"Did you sleep alright last night?"

She frowned at me and looked at me weird but then answered, "I slept very well, thank you. You?"

"I was fine," I said, "You know you leave me near comatose when you're done with me."

I took a sip of my coffee and watched her for a moment. She seemed fine but then I miss things with her even though I knew how high the stakes could be where her emotions were concerned.

"You'd tell me if something was bothering you, right?"

She looked up and just for a fraction of a second there it was, a look of almost fear. She masked it quickly and smiled at me.

"Of course I would, James," she assured me, "What a strange question."

"And you'd tell me if you were having bad dreams again, right?"

"Did I have one last night?" she asked as if she didn't know and I know she wanted me to think that she wasn't aware of whatever she'd dreamt. "I know I've had a few lately. Nothing like after Stan, but I have had a few that were just products of not feeling like I'm going to get this research together for Uncle Eli in time."

"I don't know if it was a bad dream or not," I told her, "I just know you had me in a death grip and you were making little whimpering noises. I worry, you know."

She smiled and stood to collect our plates to take to the sink then came over and kissed me.

"You're so good to me," she said, "But you'd better get moving or you'll be late for work and I'll be late for school."

I still got the feeling she was avoiding talking about something but she really didn't want to talk about it so all I could do was stay watchful and try to make her feel safe in telling me.

* * *

><p><strong>I'm sorry it took so long for this chapter to be written...I really do not like Rosemary and I need my own animosity for her to not come through so it can be hard to write. I don't think I have much to add to this chapter...I think the next few will have little to do with the Killer Queen as she has come to be known in certain circles...if you don't get it, look up the lyrics to the song by Queen.-J<strong>


	70. Chapter 70

I was sort of scowling at Joanie and I know it was childish but I was anyway.

"Oh stop that," she said, "I can't believe you are being such a baby about this."

"Joanie, I wear a suit and tie all week at work and then most Saturday mornings when we go to Temple," I whined like a little boy, "Now I got to tie this stupid noose around my neck again?"

"Honestly, James, I can't believe that's the only think you can think of," she said and I could see the tears forming in those big dark eyes. I was being a huge jerk though as long as we'd been together that shouldn't have come as any surprise to her. We were supposed to be going to a party her Uncle Eli was throwing to celebrate some case they'd just won. Joanie and Noah were invited because they'd worked so hard on the research and such. This was a big deal and it meant the world to her and I was so proud of her but then she wasn't hearing that she was just hearing me gripe about wearing a tie.

"I'm sorry, honey," I said and those words often sound so pathetic but I think they sound the weakest when you mean them the most. "I know this is your night and I am so proud of you. You know I get a little self centered. Do I still get to be the escort of the prettiest girl at the party?"

"Well, why don't you call Rosemary and ask her?" she said and it wasn't her playful tone she got when she was deflecting compliments. "Noah might get upset though."

Her voice was bitter actually. I knew she felt some jealousy toward poor Rosemary but I had no idea her insecurity was this deep.

"Maybe I should have phrased that different," I said crossing over to her and running my hand along her cheek. "She's a pretty enough girl but I want to escort the most beautiful woman."

"The phone's still on the kitchen wall where it's always been," she said coldly.

"I'll always be a failure, won't I?" I asked her. That got her to look back up at me and her anger gave way to curiosity.

"I still can't get you to see what you are to me," I explained, "You're everything. You are smart and kind and funny and you saw things in me I never knew were there. I would be absolutely nothing without you. And you don't know what a simple look from you does to me either. Sometimes you give me a smile or your hand brushes mine and all I can think of is how badly I nearly need to drag you off somewhere. Sometimes at work I just stare at our wedding picture on my desk and wonder how I ever ended up with such a beautiful, amazing woman. But you don't understand that and that's my failure."

"Stop it, James," she said through tears, "You are no failure but I have eyes and I know what I look like and I know what she looks like. She's not the only woman out there prettier."

"Then I am still a failure," I told her, "No one could ever be prettier to me than you. Now dry your eyes before your uncle wants to know what I did this time to make you cry. Unless, of course, you don't want your jerk of a husband to come with you."

She smiled a little at that.

"He's not a jerk, not really. Just insensitive sometimes," she said, "But he makes up for it most of the time."

"Most," I said in a playfully hurt way, "Only most of the time?"

That got a giggle.

"Nearly all, I'd say," she smiled at me.

"He'd better start working harder then," I said.

"Even Ty Cobb only hit safely a third of the time," she reminded me.

"Well, you are way more important than baseball," I informed her.

Somehow we made it out to the Shapiro home. It was welcoming as always and I knew that Aunt Naomi made it her personal mission in life to have a home that was warm and inviting. She greeted us at the door with hugs and fussed over us getting into the main parlor where the fireplace was lit going on about how cold it was outside. That was Aunt Naomi in a nutshell. I don't think I ever met anyone who didn't love Aunt Naomi.

We went in and there were a few associates from the firm who had helped on the case but Joanie and Noah were the only law students invited. I scanned the room and quickly found Noah We nodded to each other. We'd certainly get the chance to catch up at some point. I was introduced to some of the associates. You would have thought I would know them all by then after the holiday party but I really didn't. There weren't a lot of people there really. It was just the people who worked directly on this case. There wasn't a lot of chatting before dinner and then we were far too busy enjoying Aunt Naomi's cooking to talk much through dinner, except to compliment the cook. I had to add my voice to the appreciation of Aunt Naomi's cooking skills. Between Emma and Joanie, I know good food and I always make sure to compliment whoever's responsible when I taste it. Just before dessert Uncle Eli stood and made a nice speech about how proud he was of his team and how much he appreciated the work they had done not only for him but for their clients. You know it didn't cost much as far as food for that shindig if you think about it and his words didn't cost a dime and yet for some reason little shows of appreciation are no longer considered cost effective. But they are worth more than gold to the employees. I will tell you people worked hard for Uncle Eli and Uncle Saul and Mr. Cohen as well.

After dinner the guests sort of spread out to talk amongst themselves as people do at parties. I went to talk to Noah a little bit and honestly wasn't prepared for what I saw. He looked like the weight of the world was heaped on his shoulders. He sure didn't look like a man celebrating a victory.

"Who died?" I asked and Noah looked up at me in question. "You look like you're in mourning or something. You did hear that you won the case, right? You've got a lovely fiancée, a job lined up at a prestigious firm and you know that kid's going to be pretty damned cute."

"Between you and me?" he asked and I nodded, "It's feeling a little overwhelming right now. I wanted kids, sure, but right now when I haven't even graduated let alone passed the bar?"

"I'm sure you'll feel better once you have that degree in hand and then once you pass that test. You know you will."

He smiled and lifted his glass to me, "You're probably right. It just seems like too much too fast right now."

"You'll be fine, man," I assured him putting a hand on his shoulder; "You should probably try to look a little more like you're celebrating a win here."

I went off to find Joanie and found she was talking a new case with a couple of the associates and it looked like she was possibly about to be asked to do some research for them so I left her be and wandered off to find a drink.

"James," Uncle Eli said clapping a hand on my shoulder, "It seems forever since we've had the chance to sit and talk. Come along this way and we'll get into the good scotch."

He led me into his study and pulled a decanter from his desk drawer and poured us each a glass. He waved me to a leather armchair and then sat himself in one facing me.

"I think I've scarcely spoken to you since the wedding," he said taking a satisfied sip of scotch, "Dear Joanie I see often, of course and she fills me in as well as she can."

I nodded; I didn't really know where this was heading. I loved Uncle Eli and I always felt welcomed into the family but he was still someone I didn't ever truly figure out and I was feeling a little insecure about my skills as a husband at that time. I knew his first loyalty would always be to my wife and not to me and that was the way it ought to be after all.

"I was sorry to hear of your friend being sent away. This war is a terrible business. I hope for his safe return to you and the rest of his family," he was so sincere it nearly got me a little choked up. "It is a good thing you could travel to see him off."

"It was a good thing," I agreed remembering how tightly Theresa had hugged me and the talk Kid and I had shared in his kitchen the night before he left.

"I hear that there is good news for your, well, excuse me if I do not know quite how to say this," he said, "Friend does not begin to describe what Mrs. Cain is for you, does it?"

"No, it doesn't. She's really the only mother I've had."

"Well, then it is good news for your mother," he declared, "There must be such anticipation for the little one."

"If we can keep Emma off her feet so she doesn't cause herself or the baby trouble," I said.

He smiled and I thought maybe Aunt Naomi was as stubborn when she was having the boys. There was a lot those two ladies had in common and it would surprise me if the similarities went that far.

"I have to ask," he said and it's maybe the only time I've ever seen him look apprehensive. He was usually so confident and had his poker face intact. "How married life is treating you."

I really didn't know what to say and I must have looked like a deer in headlights right about then because he laughed a little and patted my arm.

"I ask because Joanie looks so happy these last months but I know men and women do not always see things the same."

"I guess it's good by me," I said, "I don't think I always know what I'm doing and I'm pretty sure I say the wrong thing most of the time."

"I'm sure you do too," he laughed, "Thirty years married to my Naomi and I might be able to count on one hand the times I have said the right thing."

He grew more serious, "I also ask because Joanie seems to have lost a little spark these last few weeks. Has she confided in you?"

I shook my head, "I think she's having nightmares again but she won't tell me about them."

I was about to explain further but the doors opened and in leaned Rosemary. We both looked up at her.

"I'm sorry," she said quickly, "I was looking for Noah. I didn't mean to interrupt."

"Actually, young lady," Uncle Eli spoke up, "I was hoping to get a few moments to talk to you. Could you come in and sit with us?"

I looked over at him looking for a signal to leave them alone but it wasn't given. He just gestured her to another chair in the study. She sat down and I began to find the scotch in my glass fascinating.

"I haven't had a chance to congratulate you on your happy news. You must be very excited," he said to her.

"Why yes we are," she answered smiling and patting her belly which was only showing the faintest signs of pregnancy.

"I wish to inquire as to your reasons for not wedding sooner?"

I really did want to leave right then but I had a lot of respect for Uncle Eli and I wasn't sure I was off the hook entirely with him for Joanie seeming sadder lately so I didn't dare move.

I did dare a glance at Rosemary whose lips were forming a little bit of a pout that she looked like she was trying to rein in before she cried. If I'd dared to interrupt I would have rushed to her side but I just didn't feel like I could.

"It really seems sort of silly to change our plans," she said trying to keep the defensiveness out of her voice, "It's not like we're not getting married at all. We are engaged after all."

"I think perhaps you do not appreciate the delicate position young Noah is in," Uncle Eli chastised and I saw her pout grow. Still I stayed still. "And you can stop pouting like a child, young lady. I'm sure that works for some but it will not work for me."

"I don't have the slightest idea what you are talking about," she said trying to conjure up some pride, "And I do understand Noah. That's why it is so important for me to treat him as I would if he were white."

"But he is no more white than I am gentile," Uncle Eli argued, "We may not like the difference but it is there all the same. Laws can be made and changed but we cannot force people to accept in their hearts and minds what they are not ready to accept."

"He should be no different than any other man," she insisted.

"No," he said sadly, "He should not, but he is. We'd all love to think that no one notices the differences; that no one takes note of the name or the nose or the skin color but the reality is that they do. Hank Greenberg had as many detractors as Jackie Robinson did. His skin color allowed him to get there twenty-six years earlier but there was always that suspicion that he wasn't as good, no matter the statistics he put up, always that feeling of, 'well, of course he's sitting out Yom Kippur'. It was seen as laziness and not faith. Had he been gentile and sitting out a Christian holy day, he would have been celebrated for his adherence to his faith."

"But Dr. King-"

"Has a dream that he was kind enough to share with us. He never said it had come true. It still might not in our lifetimes but it is a nice dream all the same," he said and I was starting to get his side of things, "Please take a moment and think of what this man who loves you so is feeling. Ask what he really wants. After all, you were getting married anyway, what does it matter if you do it a few months earlier?"

I saw the single tear slip down her cheek as she worked to keep her lips from pouting again. Rosemary then just nodded before standing and slipping out of the room.

"You do not approve, James?" he asked me.

"I-well-I-"

"Something needed to be done," he said, "I regret the need for such harshness to do it. Now we were talking about dear Joanie and you said she is not sleeping well."

"I think she's having the nightmares again," I told him not wanting to mention that somehow I thought maybe it was my fault she was having them. I didn't know why or what I'd done to cause them but I couldn't figure what I had done to start them up again.

The look Uncle Eli gave me said he thought there was more to it as well.

"I trust you will take good care of little Joanie," he said and it was more an order than anything else. I sort of wanted to fall through the floor. He knew. He knew I was somehow responsible for Joanie's sadness and if I'd had the courage I would have asked what all he knew, what he understood but I didn't I just nodded a 'yes sir' and snuck out of the study to find my lovely bride.

I found her helping Aunt Naomi tend bar. She didn't see me come over to her so I slid up behind and wrapped my arms around her from behind and nearly kicked myself for doing that when she jumped. I knew better than to creep up on her from behind.

"Sorry, Joanie, it's just me," I whispered, "I should have warned you but I just needed to get my hands on you."

She sort of melted into me in relief.

"So how is my beautiful, intelligent wife this evening?"

"I think I just got grabbed for more research," she said and I could hear the excitement and pride in her voice.

"Of course they would want the best," I told her, "Interesting case?"

"I think so. I've never had one quite like it," she said, "I think it will be great experience."

"You amaze me, you know that?" I said kissing her on the top of her head. Joanie turned in my arms and smiled up at me.

"I needed to hear that," her eyes twinkled at me.

"That's what I'm here for."

We got home and Joanie seemed in a better mood than she'd been in for quite a while. I thought maybe somehow, without even really knowing what it was, that I had undone whatever I had done wrong which I also didn't know what that was. Yeah, Al warned me not to try too hard to figure women. I did it anyway. I never did listen enough to the man.

The next day we headed to Emma's for Sunday dinner. Ike and Buck were even going to be there with their families. It was going to be almost like a big holiday dinner or something.

We got over there and I was rushed by Timmy trying to tell me about something.

"Slow down," I said and signed to him, "I'm not as good at this."

He shot me that huge, chubby cheeked smile of his and started over.

"You got a dog?" I signed back, "What kind?"

"Small and black," he replied beaming at me, "His name is midnight."

I knew Timmy'd been begging for a puppy since he could first make the sign for puppy. I couldn't blame the kid at all. I'd always wanted one when I was a boy too. Ike and Annie had just moved themselves and the kids into a cute little Cape Cod house so they had the back yard for a dog now.

Ike piped up about then.

"He's black, yes and he's small now but he's a lab and he'll get big."

I smiled just imagining the fun that boy was going to have romping around with that dog. I admit I was a little jealous but you get to a point that you realize that part of the great thing about kids is being able to give them a chance to do things you always wanted to do. I know Ike didn't grow up with a dog or a yard or any of the things he was able to give Timmy and Karen. Timmy ran off to play with Lisa and I looked over to see Jesse sulking.

"What's up with you?" I asked as I sat down next to him.

"Al's bringing Old Lady Dunne to dinner," he moped, "Emma said it was fine. How could she do that to me?"

"Jesse, Al's family," I reminded him, "And he's been seeing this Mrs. Dunne for a little while now. I think it's about time we met her. She seems to be awful special to him."

"She's terrible, Jimmy. You don't know her."

"I admit I only briefly met her but she can't be all bad," I said, "She could have ratted you out to Sam and Emma and she didn't. Besides, the kind of heartache Al's been through with losing his Lucille and I have to say if there's a woman who can make him feel those happy feelings again then I am happy for him."

"Does it have to be my English teacher?"

"You'll learn soon enough that you don't get to pick who you fall for," I told him feeling a little like Al. In fact I think I might have been quoting a talk with Al at that point. I'm sure we'd had some similar conversation. Some people are horrified to find they are turning into their parents but I guess I'd only be upset of I had turned into the biological ones. I was right proud to be channeling a little of Al's wisdom then.

It wasn't too much longer before we heard snow being stomped off of shoes on the porch signaling the arrival of Al and his lady friend. We sort of formed some strange semi-circle around the room and watched the door. I'm sure that's not what anyone wants to be greeted by when walking in to meet new people but we were kind of excited to meet her. Al gave a chuckle when he walked in and saw us all standing there expectantly. I saw a look of possibly fear or maybe even dread cross the woman's face and I'll say that if I didn't know for a fact that this was the same woman who came looking for Jesse at the shop I wouldn't have guessed it at all. She was wearing a simple skirt and a fuzzy sort of sweater that hugged the curves she normally tried so hard to hide. Her hair was down and the soft blonde waves fell just below her shoulders like some Hollywood pin-up girl—Veronica Lake or somebody like that. I don't want to say that she looked inappropriate for Sunday dinner but I could understand why she didn't allow this look in the classroom. She was a knockout.

Al could see the look of admiration on the faces of all the males in the room, including Jesse and smiled a self-satisfied sort of smile.

"Old Lady Dunne?" I whispered to him.

"Shut up, Jimmy," he whispered back elbowing me in the ribs.

"My dear," Al said turning to the woman next to him and helping her out of her coat, "I promise I will introduce everyone before the day is out but for now," he paused turning to all of us, "We'll suffice with giving them the honor of meeting you. Everyone, I would like you to meet the lovely Rachel Dunne. Rachel, this is everyone and you will learn them all in time. Of course you already know young master Jesse."

"It's a pleasure to meet all of you," she said in the sweetest voice I'd heard. I wonder if she ever used that tone in a classroom because if she did I couldn't see how Jesse could do so poorly in her class.

* * *

><p><strong>This one was like pulling teeth. Ugh! Getting through that party which I'm sure it quite upset Aunt Naomi that I didn't have a good time...<strong>

**Might be a while before I get this updated again...few ladies and I are working on a special treat...just wait, I know you're going to love it...and I'm trying to get together a Valentine's story...it was pointed out to me that I often pair up Jimmy and Cody for Holiday stories so I decided they are the featured stars for Valentine's day too...hope that one will give everyone a good chuckle.-J**


	71. Chapter 71

I can't say I agreed with how he went about it but Uncle Eli's words to Rosemary had their desired effect. By the middle of March they were married and that made Emma happier than I'd seen her in a long time. Noah seemed to have less weighing him down as well. I think that his weariness had been less about things happening too fast and more about a certain thing not happening fast enough.

Joanie seemed a little happier once those two were married as well. She was still having some nightmares though and it worried me. I'd ask her about them nearly every day and she would say she couldn't remember them. That seemed true too because she had a baffled look on her face that told me she knew the dream was bad just that she couldn't say exactly what had made it bad.

Al and Rachel got closer and Jesse was alright with that. No man, or boy for that matter, could begrudge any man being with a woman that looked like that. Rachel was beautiful and more important than that, she made Al happy. I think she hadn't been happy for some time herself. She was a widow and I got the idea there hadn't really been anyone since her husband died. Seemed kind of perfect that they found each other and had such an immediate connection. I still think he was being a gentleman but they were spending an awful lot of time together, not that it was my business at all. With all that man did for me, I was the loudest in his cheering section when he took up with her. She was a good woman too.

I still got letters from Kid and also from Lou and Theresa letting me know how they was faring. It was hard to be so far from them but I tried to write a decent amount back. It was the most I could do as far as taking care of them while he was away. We sort of just moved through life for a while. Nothing incredibly good happened but nothing terrible happened either. Billy was still stuck doing what he thought were silly stories and Sherry was still proud of him although he felt she deserved someone with more serious credentials. I found it kind of amusing in a way but then there was a serious aspect that Billy wasn't seeing. The longer he put off asking her or even broaching the subject of a serious relationship like marriage, the more she thought it was because he was unsure and the more she suspected that their days together were numbered. I think it hurt her a little but then she spent a lot of time bracing herself for what she saw as the inevitable end of them. All of the work that he had done in getting her to open herself up to him was about to be lost and he wasn't even aware of it. He was too stuck on trying to be what he thought she deserved.

I was still working and going to school and so was Joanie. It was a rut we sort of fell into. I'll grant you it was a rigorous rut but it's the kind you can handle when you're young. I sure don't envy anyone having to do it when they are older. By April Emma was big as a bus though I would have never said that to her face. She wasn't quite confined to bed but her doctor wasn't too happy with her on her feet very much. I was so proud of Jesse and how he looked out for her. Sam I expected it of and he was terrific about fetching whatever she needed and even cooking a little here and there but it was Jesse who took over most of the household chores just to make sure Emma wouldn't be tempted to get up and do them. As for Sunday dinner well, there were less of those as we all sort of wanted to make sure Emma didn't strain herself. Most times we all found somewhere else to be and the times we did come over, Sherry and Joanie and the other girls set to cooking the meal. I know it about drove Emma nuts just sitting and not being able to do much more than peel potatoes but there was no way anyone was taking a chance with that woman's happiness. A woman loses a child and she'll go to the very brink of madness, more than that and you risk her never coming back. Emma was a tough lady but I still didn't even want to entertain the thought of anything threatening her miracle. We kept her off her feet and from overexerting herself and somewhere in the middle of May I got a call in the middle of the night.

"Jimmy?"

"Jesse, what's wrong?" I asked frantically, "Are you okay? Is it Emma?"

"I think it's okay," he said sounding awful shaky, "We're at the hospital with her now. I think the baby's coming."

I almost laughed in relief. Her due date was pretty much any day at that point in time so of course the baby was coming. It didn't mean I wasn't still a little worried for her but it's not like it was too soon or anything so that part was good. I didn't hear her get up but I felt Joanie's arms slide around me. A phone call in the middle of the night was always a cause for some concern.

"We'll be right there," I told Jesse before hanging up.

"We'll be right where?" asked Joanie sounding worried. I filled her in and the worry left her. Women handle these things far better than men do.

We got to the hospital and found Sam and Jesse pacing madly in the waiting room. Jesse actually hugged me when I walked in. He didn't do that too much once he got settled good with Sam and Emma. I know he was plenty worried and I know I was too. Women still to this day die in childbirth and that kind of thing scares men half to death.

We paced and worried for a couple hours before a doctor found his way to the waiting room and told us it was a girl. I felt Jesse relax against me. Poor kid, as much as he and Sam had bonded I know Jesse was still worried that if Sam had a son of his own then he wouldn't have as much use for Jesse. But he knew Sarah Jean could never threaten his place in Sam's heart. In fact, I think Jesse loved little Sarah as much as Emma and Sam did. His little sister was a joy to him and the heart that emerged in that boy after that little girl was born astounded even me. I wanted to believe it was in him and I told people it was but seeing how he cared for her and protected her and became the model big brother to her was a sight to behold.

Joanie was so happy for Emma but then there was that same old sadness that crept in every time someone she knew had a baby while she still didn't and then there was still something else. I just couldn't take it anymore and had to try to get her to open up to me.

It was in June and we were finally free of classes for the summer and I was free from most of my work too. I had a couple of kids that knew how to get a hold of me. I never felt right telling a kid who really needed my help, 'Too bad, I'll be back in the office in September'. It just seemed wrong. But most of my days were free and Joanie was taking a pretty light workload at the firm too. So I took her for a picnic on Belle Isle. She was still clinging to me hard enough at night that I sometimes woke up with bruises on my ribs.

"Joanie," I started as we sat on the blanket after we had finished eating. "I know something's upsetting you and I can't help but feel like it's me and I should know what I've done but I don't. Please talk to me."

"You haven't done anything wrong, James," she said and I could tell she was trying to leave it at that but I couldn't let her.

"Honey, there is something wrong. I know you say you can't remember the nightmares but they are scaring you half to death."

"All I know is that I wake up scared that you won't be there," she said, "I try to tell myself that I'm being silly but I can't shake it."

"I will always be there," I assured her, "You know I will."

"I know," she said and I watched a tear slide down her cheek. "I can't even tell you why I fear it but that's what I feel. That something or someone will take you from me."

"Joanie, with you is the only place I know how to be."

She hugged me tight and I could tell the fear was still there. I worked hard after that to give her that little bit of extra attention whenever I could. I learned how to cook more so she wouldn't have to as much. I tried to keep the apartment neater so she wasn't always picking my socks and underwear up off the floor. I took her out to dinner every so often and made sure to point out all the men looking at me with envy. And, not like I really ever had before, but I never passed up a chance to kiss her or hold her or drag her off to the bedroom. It's not like that was asking a whole lot of me either. I loved that woman more than I ever thought I could love anyone or anything and there's nothing wrong with trying to show it more. Things seemed to even go better for a while too. She quit gripping me so tight and by the time Lou and the kids got into Michigan things felt almost back to normal.

It was so good to see Lou and Theresa and the boys too. Lou had lost some weight she really couldn't afford to lose but I really think a lot of that was doing everything herself. Theresa helped of course but Lou wouldn't let that girl let her studies slide and she was in school most of the day as well so that left Lou almost alone taking care of two young boys. That's a lot of work right there. I know her worry for her husband was a big part of things too so I set to doing what I could to take her mind a little off of that for a bit. It was good for a while for her to spend time with Emma and Sarah Jean and Joanie and me gave her a day off one day while we took Theresa, Bobby and Jack to the zoo along with Buck's and Ike's kids. I was double checking that Joanie wasn't missing any of those little pills for a while after that. It wasn't that I didn't want kids but we was corralling six kids under school age around a zoo. Theresa was a real big help. Her brothers minded her pretty good and Lisa nearly worshipped her and Karen stuck to Lisa like glue so if Lisa thought Theresa was the coolest kid ever then Karen did too. Greg wasn't even walking so he was the easiest in the bunch to take care of and we already knew all the animal signs from the other times we took Timmy there. Bobby and Jack were learning a lot of signs too. It's so much easier for kids to pick that stuff up. They are just programmed to absorb everything.

It was still a lot of fun to take the kids and Lou looked amazing when we got back to Emma's. She had been just sitting and sipping tea with Carol, Annie and Emma and the only child any of them needed to tend to was little Sarah Jean who was still young enough to sleep a good deal of the time. It seemed all Lou had been needing was the love of her family and a few minutes to herself every now and then.

Now it seems that just when you get one person all squared away and settled someone else has a crisis. That's just how families go and sometimes you aren't even lucky enough to have them take turns with their crises. I was starting to feel good about Lou and how she was doing when I got a call one morning from Judy.

"Hey short stuff," I said into the receiver, "I'll get your sister."

"Jimmy," she said quickly, "It was you I wanted to talk to."

"Something wrong?" I asked her.

"Kind of," she told me softly, "Can we meet somewhere?"

I made arrangements to meet her at a little place with a soda fountain. Now that's something I miss—soda fountains. Kids today don't understand the concept. Anyway, we met up and ordered a couple chocolate ice cream sodas. I could tell something was eating at the kid and she wasn't the type who appreciated anyone tiptoeing around her.

"What's wrong?" I asked.

"Do you think Daddy would be terribly upset if I didn't go to Yale?"

"Now why don't you want to go to Yale?"I asked, "It's a big accomplishment to get into a school like that."

"I know and I know Daddy was so proud that his little girl was going to Yale but I just don't think it's right for me, you know?"

"Are you nervous about going that far away from home?" I asked trying to think why she would try to get out of this.

"It's not that at all," she replied.

"Surely you can't be intimidated by the classes."

"A little but I'm pretty sure I could handle them," she said and I knew that it was something else and she knew what it was but didn't want to say.

"Out with it," I said knowing that she needed to talk or she wouldn't have called me in the first place. She cocked her head to one side and seemed to think for a moment before looking back to her soda like it was the most interesting thing she had ever seen in her life and just played with her straw swirling it in the whipped cream on the top.

"Do you know why I even applied there in the first place?" she asked.

I didn't know for sure but I had an idea, "Dan?"

"Yeah," she said looking embarrassed, "Don't tell Joanie how pathetic I am that I was going to choose my school to be close to some guy."

"He's not just some guy," I reminded her, "He's a guy you really like and it seemed he really liked you too."

"Yeah, well, now he likes Michelle an awful lot," she said with bitterness that a girl fresh from high school shouldn't know yet. "Michelle who has straight blonde hair and legs that go on forever and looks like she just walked off the cover of Vogue Magazine."

I honestly thought she might cry. It made me kind of angry too.

"I shouldn't hate her," Judy said, "It's not her fault she's gorgeous and I can't even be mad at him. We weren't together and no one promised a thing. I never even told him I was applying to Yale. I just don't think I can be on the same campus knowing that somewhere there is Dan and he's with Michelle. I can't compete and I don't even really want to. I'm such an idiot, Jimmy."

"Idiot's don't get accepted to Ivy League schools," I told her.

"Entrance exams don't measure common sense," she said and I could see the bitterness and anger that had only moments before been reserved for Dan and his new girlfriend had now shifted toward herself. "The worst thing is what kind of opportunity am I now giving up just so I can avoid seeing Dan with his new beautiful girlfriend?"

"Where would you want to go to school if you're not going to Yale?" I asked changing the subject from her disdain for herself for a moment.

"Michigan," she answered.

"That's a damned fine school," I reminded her, "Your sister seems to have gotten a really good education there and she still is."

"What is Daddy going to say?"

"My guess is that it will be something to the effect that you need to do what makes you happy and that as long as his baby is happy then he is happy," I told her. Mr. Cohen was predictable like that.

"I feel like I'm letting them down over something that shouldn't be a consideration," she confessed, "How silly was it to think that if I was there that we would just go back to how things were last summer? Michelle's closer to his age too. I'll bet she's way more fun than I was."

She stressed the word 'fun' and I'll admit that I was relieved that she hadn't been all that much 'fun'. I know she was a big girl and not a baby and all that but it didn't change that I would have wanted to hunt Dan Shapiro down and belt him one if I thought he hadn't kept his hands—and the rest of himself—to himself.

"Now you know that's not why he's with her instead of you," I assured her hoping that what I was telling her was the truth because if I ever found out it wasn't I might have to teach him a lesson. I did warn him about ever hurting her. It doesn't pay to make a statement like that and then not follow through. "I'm sure the distance was part of it and then sometimes when people meet there is just a spark. We can't explain it. I guess it's a good thing there wasn't any girl stuck on me when I first caught sight of your sister. I would have broken someone's heart for sure."

"I know you're right," she said once again fascinated by watching the ice cream melt into the soda. "I still feel kind of dumb and hurt. I shouldn't feel that way, hurt I mean, but I do all the same."

"Unless I'm wrong, you fell in love with him," I told her, "If your first love doesn't work out, it can hurt something awful. Especially when he takes up with some shiksa."

That got a smile out of her and I knew she was going to be alright. I mean I knew it anyway but I knew that she was realizing she was going to be alright.

"How do I tell Daddy?"

"Tell him you think Michigan is a better fit," I said, "It's not a lie and there's nothing else required of you. Tell him you feel you'll be happier in Ann Arbor."

"If he blows up, can I call you to save me?"

"Do you even need to ask?"

That earned me a giggle and a kiss on the cheek. Yeah I always did love it when I could be the hero.

The next week Joanie and I drove Lou and the kids up to the cabin. The cabin might have been a little rustic but there wasn't much stress up there either. Joanie kept Jack entertained a good deal of the time and I taught Bobby how to fish. I'd gotten pretty good at it in the five years I'd been going up there. Theresa spent a lot of time swimming and looking for wildflowers. Lou was going to want to start keeping track of who saw that girl in a swim suit. She was thirteen and blossoming in a way that some would try to take advantage of.

I walked out of the cabin one day to find Lou sitting and reading a book but she wasn't really reading it, she was just staring at it and I could see her shoulders shaking. Joanie and Theresa had taken the boys for a hike through the woods to look for snakes and bugs and things. I had been heading out to gather up some wood for a fire that night so we could roast some marshmallows but instead I just pulled a chair up next to Lou.

"You okay, Lou?"

"I don't know," she said trying to dry her eyes as if I hadn't already seen the tears streaming there. "I started out thinking how happy I've been. Getting to see Emma and the new baby and the others and their kids and really getting a chance to get to know Sherry better and see her with Billy. All that has been so very nice and then how happy Bobby and Jack are up here running and playing and catching frogs and butterflies. Theresa isn't bogged down with trying to help me raise them. It makes me so happy to see them like this and then I got to thinking how much Kid would enjoy it too and then I just couldn't stop crying."

"He would love it here, wouldn't he?" I said and she nodded. "Well, when he gets back stateside we'll have to get him up here. I could stand a few days fishing with my best friend."

"It's bad where he is," she told me and I knew it was. Kid's letters didn't often mince words when he was writing me and I doubted they did to her either. He kept Emma a little more in the dark but then that made sense. "He's scared. He's not scared of much."

"He was scared when you told him you were expecting Bobby," I reminded her.

"Not really," she told me, "He was concerned that he wouldn't be able to provide for us. That's not the same as scared. He's really scared now. I don't think I've ever known him scared. I've never seen it or even heard it."

"I know," I said, "It was before you came along. When his dad was still around he was scared all the time. I get the same kind of letters you do and that's the only thing I can think of when I read them is he sounds just like he did when he knew a beating was waiting for him when he got home. I thought we left that fear behind us."

I heard my voice crack and I know that my eyes got moist. The times he saved me, the times he was there and held my hand, the times he reminded me I wasn't alone, not then, not ever; just knowing he was somewhere dark and scary and there was no one to hold his hand and no one to save him, I felt like a lousy friend. There was nothing I could do for my brother then and it was the most helpless I had ever felt. I pulled Lou to me more because I needed the comfort than to offer her any and we just cried against each other for a while. Joanie found us and I guess it was probably a good thing Theresa was convincing the boys of the merits of leaving the various creatures they had collected in or near their homes in the woods because those boys didn't need to see their mom crying like that right then.

I felt Joanie's hand on my back as she rubbed little circles there and then I saw her lean forward and kiss Lou's head before kissing mine.

"He'll be home soon," she whispered, "He'll be fine. You'll see."

We stayed there for a little while with Joanie leaned over stretching her arms around both of us, holding both of us close to her before we finally straightened up and dried our eyes. I could hear the kids heading back toward us and I could see that Lou was still wavering and hadn't quite gotten her typical brave face quite in place yet. Joanie, of course, saw it too and pulled Lou into the cabin to start scrounging up something for us to eat. I headed toward the kids and used their boundless kid energy to help me collect some firewood.

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><p><strong>I wasn't planning on writing this chapter just yet but I can't control who talks or when. Jimmy and I haven't been on good terms for a few days which has been making things difficult in all my universes. So anyway, here is this and hopefully I can get working on my other little projects.-J<strong>


	72. Chapter 72

Lou and the kids was there for most of the summer and I tried to talk her into staying. We all did. She looked so much healthier being home. The dark circles left her eyes and she put on a little weight. I know she was still worried a lot and I understood but at least she wasn't alone.

"Jimmy, I have to go back home," she said like it was final.

"You need to stay here," I said, "This is your real home. If Kid saw how strained you were when you got here and what you look like now after just a few weeks of having the rest of the family close, he'd want you to stay too."

"But I have a place there," she argued, "Where would I stay here?"

"We'd figure something out," I assured her, "You know we'd all do anything to have you and Theresa back here where you belong and to get a chance to get to know those sons of yours. One of these days you're going to come bouncing back here with two grown men and we won't know what to think at all."

"I have to go back, Jimmy," she said and I knew there was no more arguing with her. She had made up her mind and she could be just pig headed when she wanted to be. There was no other argument to be made to her and she left as originally planned.

I have to say it felt empty without Lou and her bunch there. I think I needed to have them near to me to feel that connection to Kid. Little Bobby was only about a year younger than Kid had been when I first met him and I think sometimes I felt like if I could help care for his child then it was almost like helping Kid. Probably didn't hurt any that if you put a kindergarten picture of Kid next to Bobby's face you wouldn't have been able to tell a difference. All that little tyke had done for me when we was both that age and it felt like I could return it somehow but then they were gone. There was nothing I could do at all for him but write letters and tell him about everyone and send him cookies from my wife.

Eventually other things took over our thoughts and I tried not to feel like I was letting Kid down by not getting his wife to stay. I tried to take things easy but that got boring pretty quick, especially on days when Joanie was putting in some time at the firm. So I'd head over to the garage and lend Jesse a hand or see if Emma needed anything done. A man has to keep busy somehow. One day I was just heading out the door to see if I could help out around Emma's. I knew Sam was on a case that was causing some overtime and Jesse hadn't gotten to mowing the lawn yet so I figured I'd tend to that and maybe get to fuss over little Sarah Jean for a bit or maybe just take joy in seeing Emma fussing over Sarah Jean. I didn't make it out the door though because my phone rang.

"James," Joanie said, "Are you free to meet me at the hospital?"

There's not a lot of words could strike such fear in a man as those words coming from the mouth of his one true love.

"What's wrong, sweetie?" I asked and hoped I didn't sound as close to panic as I was.

"Oh nothing's wrong," she laughed sort of nervously, "I am so sorry, I'm sure you must have just thought the worst. Rosemary is in labor right now and I thought we could be there for Noah."

"Right," I said still trying to start my heart up again, "I'll be right there."

I got the information on which hospital she was at and then headed out the door. You know there are a lot of good things about being with someone and being in love but sometimes the realization that hits you of how little your own life means compared to how much theirs means is a tough blow to take. The absolute terror that can strike you when you think something might be wrong really is like a punch in the gut.

I calmed down on the drive over and I was actually excited. I don't think Joanie was but then she always had some strange thing about her for anything that involved Rosemary. Now don't get me wrong I think she was happy about her friend becoming a daddy and all but there was always some level of mistrust that she held for Rosemary and it sort of clouded most things.

I got there and found Joanie and Noah. I understood then why Joanie wanted so badly to make sure Noah wasn't all by himself. Sarah Jean was only a few months old at the time so Emma couldn't really justify dragging her to a hospital waiting room and we were his closest friends. It's funny how some people you have to know nearly all your life to feel close to them and some you know a short while and it just feels like you've always known them. Noah was in that second group. We shared some awkward moments at first but then we settled into being very close friends. In fact it seemed hard to believe that we'd only known each other three years at that time. I know I couldn't have been happier about seeing the pride in his face at being informed he had a son. Michael was an incredibly beautiful child too. He had this skin that was the color of caramel and looser curls framing his face and he did have Noah's dark eyes. He looked like some painting of a Renaissance angel or something. I know many folks believed there was something wrong with a Negro and a white woman having a baby but I think the beauty of that child only proved that there wasn't a damned thing wrong with it.

Now following Michael's birth it wasn't that long before we went back to our typical grind. School started and I had work and classes and Joanie had work and classes. Sometimes it seemed that grind would never end but we knew it would and with the two new little ones and Lou's visit I was feeling a little more upbeat and Joanie was on some new case her dad and uncles were putting together for the anti-defamation league and she was excited about that and feeling like she was closing in on what she wanted to do with her life.

I guess it was sometime around then that we started really looking at the local politics scene. I mean yeah we knew there was an election for mayor coming and we really liked Cavanaugh. I would've voted for him the first time if I'd been old enough to. It was quite an upset in 1961 when he beat out the guy who was there before. He got the backing of the black community and that put him over the top then. Since then he had appointed a reformer to be chief of police and he had even marched right down Woodward arm in arm with Dr. King. I already knew who I was voting for and it almost didn't matter who the Republicans put up against him. Well, there was a lot going on that fall I guess or else someone at the station decided Billy'd done his fair time covering Fluffy the trapped kitty and thought he deserved a shot. Someone assigned him to cover the Cavanaugh campaign. He was over the moon about it and I have to say he was really good. I mean he was good at the other stuff too. He was quite a storyteller and he could really make you care whether the firemen got little Fluffy out of that tree but this was really good stuff. He really got into things and covered things real even like a good journalist does. He was so fair that he even brought up a couple of things that made me think a little before going back to being certain of my vote and that was impressive since I knew which way Billy's politics ran too. He really impressed his bosses too and from then on he was also covering the 'real' news stories as well. He covered a house fire or two and even a murder. I knew he'd be jewelry shopping soon and I was right. He even drug me along.

"I don't even know what I'm looking for," he said, "Big I guess. They say two months' salary, right? Is that what you spent on Joanie's? That sure was a pretty ring you got her."

"Slow down, Billy," I said, "I think I probably spent more than two month's worth because I'd been saving for so long. It was probably close to that though. I had to dip into the ring fund for tuition a couple times."

"How do I know the right one?"

"I don't know," I told him, "I think I just found the shiniest one well the biggest shiniest one I could afford. Has she ever said anything about the shape she likes best?"

"No," he said, "She hasn't said anything at all about a ring or diamond or marriage in months."

"Probably just a round one would work just fine."

I got a little worried for him hear that. He might be in for a rude awakening when he popped the question. I hoped he wasn't planning on a public display for the proposal because he might end up awful embarrassed. I had no doubt that Sherry was in love with him but she had been rebuilding the wall he'd worked so hard to break down.

"None of these look big enough, Jimmy," he said looking all the rings over, "She deserves a real big ring. Like that one."

He pointed to one that might have passed for a golf ball. It was pretty alright but honestly a little too much.

"Billy, she might want to lift her hand at some point," I told him, "Even if you could afford that one her left arm would start looking like it came off of some body builder."

"Okay, then how about that one?" he asked and pointed at another. It still was pretty big and I think it was near to a full carat.

"I think that one's going to be more than two months of your salary."

"I don't care," he said, "She deserves it."

The sales person came over and Billy started asking questions about the ring. Of course that man would pick a platinum ring. And being Billy he had a way about him that five minutes after you meet him, he's your best friend in the world so he talked the salesman down to a better price. I still think it was well over his price range but he found a way and he was happy as a clam with his purchase.

I didn't know his plans for asking her but I hoped he had something real special in mind to say to her since I think she was really starting to fear for their future and not trust so much in his ability to be a one woman man.

I guess it was the following Friday near to the end of the school day and Billy came wandering into my office. You know, you have an open door policy like I did and you just never knew what manner of riff raff would come a strolling in. I was about to make some crack to that effect when I saw the hangdog look on his face and just gestured to him to close the door and sit down.

"What's wrong?" I asked hoping his folks was okay. I couldn't think of anything else that would upset him like that. Billy Cody was not one to get upset too easily and he had a knack for finding the good in nearly every situation and even finding humor in most of them. There was plenty of times I wanted to deck him for that and maybe a couple times I did but still it meant a cause for worry when William Cody was down in the mouth.

"I asked Sherry to marry me," he said and I think I saw his eyes get moist.

"She said no?" I asked and I couldn't believe it. I knew she might have reservations but for her to outright reject him, well, I couldn't quite believe that.

"Not exactly," he replied, "But she didn't say yes either. She said she had to think about it. What's to think about? We've been together over a year and I don't care about any other girls. You don't think she's got eyes for some other guy do you?"

"No, I don't," I told him honestly. I had a lot of thoughts and none of them involved Sherry thinking about seeing anyone else. I looked at the clock and as I did the final bell rang. Now sometimes I stayed a little past the end of school in case someone needed me or something but Fridays no one needed anything except to get started on their weekend. "Come on with me, Billy."

We headed out and over to Al's garage where Al was watching out for Rachel to come and see him. Being Friday and all, I'm sure she didn't stay in her classroom any longer than I stayed in my office. He saw us coming toward him and started to look concerned.

"Now what's eating the two of you?" he asked.

"I think our dear friend Billy here thinks his heart has been broken," I said.

"That so?" mused the old man.

"Sherry doesn't want to marry me," Billy nearly whined.

"You two get in my office," Al said with a sigh, "I need to keep a watch for my lady. I'll be in shortly."

Billy sat down heavily in a chair and let his head fall into his hands.

"This is your fault you know, Jimmy," he said.

"Now how do you figure that?"

"You encouraged this," he answered, "I was going to give up after she wouldn't dance with me at your wedding. You said to give it another try and you knew I was going to fall in love. You knew all along I'd end up hurt like this and you let me walk right into it. I thought you were my friend."

I forced myself not to laugh at that ridiculous statement. It was true that I encouraged him with Sherry but it was also true that no woman could have been as good for him as she was. I even thought I understood her reservations and I felt for her a little. Sherry was a secure person in every sense except where men were involved. She played at being confident there too and did a decent job but more often came off as either an ice princess or one of the guys. She was different with Billy and that was in a good way too. She giggled more and she even got flirty and he appreciated her sarcastic wit like most men wouldn't.

"I am your friend," I assured him, "Have you ever been happier than you are when you are with her?"

He just looked at his hands as if to say that was doing him a fat lot of good with her not wanting him anymore.

"Maybe I should call up good old Gloria," he said trying to cheer himself, "She's usually up for a good time."

"Is that what you really want?" I asked seriously.

"No," he said sadly. I think he wanted it to be what he wanted but it wasn't.

About then Al wandered in holding Rachel's hand. I know it was a somber time what with Billy's near heartbreak and all but I couldn't help but smile at the two of them holding hands like teenagers in love. It did my heart good and made me believe we could get things situated and right with Billy and Sherry too.

There was a little couch in Al's office and he and Rachel sat down on in real close together. She had just come from school and was trying real hard for her frumpy look but not only had I seen the real her but once you know the warmth inside of a person you can't see much of anything else.

"Son," Al started, "I have seen you with that young lady for the last year. You tell me why you think she don't want to marry you?"

Billy told the whole story about how he asked her to marry him and how she didn't even look at the ring and said she had to think.

"Then she bolted," he said looking confused, "It was a good thing we were at my place because I think she would have left as quick if we'd been at hers."

"Had you talked much about marriage, Billy?" Rachel asked.

"We used to and I know I kind of put it off," he told her, "It wasn't because I didn't want to but I just wanted to be something she could be proud of, you know?"

"Did she know why you were putting it off? Rachel inquired.

He just shook his head and Al spoke up.

"You know, son," he began, "That reminds me of an article I read once about this idea some scientist fella came up with. Schrödinger was his name. Anyway, he said that if you put a cat in a bunker with something unstable like gas or a bomb or something and shut it up then you don't know what happens to the cat. There's two possibilities really, either the cat is dead or the cat is alive. Now as long as you don't open up the box to force one of those things to be the truth then they are both true so it can be said that the kitty is both alive and dead. But once you open the bunker up then it forces one thing or the other to be or I guess it forces the cat's reality to be our reality."

I looked around at Rachel and then at Billy and they all looked as confused as I did. I think now I sort of get what he was trying to say but that man could get kind of crazy trying to get his point across sometimes.

"What is that supposed to mean, Al?" Billy asked.

"It, well, what it means is that when you opened that ring box you forced her to settle into one reality and she's scared."

"So I was right and she doesn't want to marry me," Billy said looking even sadder than he had when he came into my office.

"Billy, she knows what you were like before you met her," I said, "Frat parties and lots of women. Think about her perspective. She's had very few boyfriends. Most guys don't take the time to see how pretty she is or how amazing a woman she is. You did and it gave her hope but then you put her off when she started talking about marriage. She's bound to think you're just with her until you find something else. She might even be thinking that you think you're settling or something. A woman like Sherry would rather be alone than be someone's second choice or last resort."

"But that's not it at all!"

"I know that but she don't," I reminded him and Rachel piped up about then too.

"She's scared, Billy. I know she seems like she's not scared of anything but you've been with her long enough and there've got to be things you've found she's afraid of."

"Spiders," he nodded, "She's terrified of spiders. She called me one night at like two in the morning crying and near hysterical because there was a spider. I had to come out in the snow to go kill a spider at her place."

"There you go," I said, "She needs some assurance that her spider hunter is hunting her spiders because he wants to and not because she's who's there right now. You earned her trust once. I'm sure you can figure out how to do it again. You might even try talking to her and letting her know your silly insecurities."

Sunday Joanie and I went to Emma's for dinner like usual. Buck and Carol were there with their bunch and the week before we'd found out that Greg and Lisa were getting a new little brother or sister. Carol was still a little green a good part of the time and looked sort of wore out but then they were so happy looking I think Carol was even happy about the morning sickness. Ike and Annie were there and Timmy was running around being chased by Karen and signing frantically to everyone about his puppy's latest antics. Karen was trying to make all the signs too and coming close enough you could understand her. Not much could have been cuter.

Billy came in and I was surprised but happy as hell to see Sherry with him and even holding his hand. She went to find Joanie and I knew the girls had plenty to talk about. I went over to my friend to see if there had been any headway with the 'thinking' she had to do. I noticed as she breezed by me with a 'hey Jimmy' that she wasn't wearing that rock on her hand.

"Did you talk to her?" I asked him.

"Yeah, I did," he said and he looked a little more hopeful than the last time I saw him. "I think she understands but I think you're right and she's real scared. Can you believe a girl like her thinks she's not pretty?"

"Billy, girls hardly ever know how pretty they are," I said, "She doesn't think she measures up to the bimbos you used to gad around with."

"She's way better than any of them."

"I know that and you know that but she's comparing the wrong things," I explained.

"I just have to get that ring on her finger, Jimmy," he said and he looked desperate.

"I have a feeling you will."

Well, not too much later and Al and Rachel came over and we got to getting around the table to dig into the roast that Emma had prepared with the help of the rest of the girls. Noah and Rosemary weren't around as much right then. Michael was still real little and going places with one that small is kind of an ordeal. You get used to it after a while but in the beginning it's not something you do a whole lot. Anyway, as much of the family as could be was there to witness this and it was something to see. I remember telling Kid about it one time and thought he might fall right out of his chair. I'm not sure if it was amusement or shock that caused the reaction but let's just say this isn't a side of William F. Cody that many people had ever seen at that time and few ever did see.

We were all eating and talking about all kinds of stuff. Timmy was signing happily away and we were all trying to sign whatever we said so he wouldn't feel left out. He was four then and wanted to be part of things. So it was especially cute and sweet that Billy signed through what he was about to do as best as he could.

At first I'm not sure anyone heard him over the rest of the conversation. I thought I heard a little something though.

"You got a smile so bright."

I stopped talking and just listened to see if I heard it again.

"You know you could have been a candle."

A few more people stopped talking as well.

"I'm holding you so tight; you know you could have been a candle."

I thought Emma might try to shush him at first but then she stopped when she saw the look on his face and that he had ceased to see anyone else in the room except for Sherry.

"The way you swept me off my feet, you know you could have been a broom."

There was dead silence and Sherry looked like she might cry.

"And babe you smell so sweet you know you could have been some perfume. Well you could have been anything that you wanted to and I can tell. The way you do the things you do."

Well Buck, Ike, Jesse and me couldn't help ourselves and came in on the echo. Billy smiled at us and then kept going.

"As pretty as you are," he sang emphasizing the word 'pretty', "You know you could have been a flower. If good looks was a minute, you know you could have been an hour. The way you stole my heart, you know you could have been a crook. And baby you're so smart," again he put a special emphasis on 'smart', "You know you could have been a schoolbook."

Even the girls joined the chorus this time and it surprised me a little that Emma was among them.

"You make my life so rich; you know you should have been some money. Baby you're so sweet, you know you should have been some honey."

The whole table was singing except for Sherry who looked like she didn't quite know what to do with herself. I know she was a little embarrassed but then she looked like something occurred to her. Billy looked at her as he finished the last note of the song and she nodded. He slid out of his chair and knelt next to her and pulled that box out if his pocket opening it and causing the other females around the table to gasp a little.

"Sherry, please," he said almost begging, "You have to know there's no one else in the world for me. No other woman could be as beautiful or challenging or warm and loving to me. No one else will put up with me like you do. I love you, Sherry Anne Wingate. Marry me?"

"That wasn't even fair, Will," she said and I could see the tears forming in her eyes, "Yes."

If she was going to say anything more, she didn't get the chance because his mouth was covering hers. Emma even gave them a few good minutes of smooching before she cleared her throat to stop them. Billy put the ring on her finger.

"I guess it's a good thing I have a cake for dessert," Emma said, "We have something to celebrate."

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><p><strong>Whew...who was worried? Not me for I know the end of the whole story...hehehe...<strong>

**Um Cavanaugh was Mayor Jerome Cavanaugh a two term mayor of Detroit...he might ahve been there longer but for some things that happened in 1967...those who know their history real good already know what I'm talking about...they rest will find out when I get there or get real cozy with google...-J**


	73. Chapter 73

**For full effect, this chapter should be read while listening to Samuel Barber's Adagio for Strings.**

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><p>Things got nice for a while, I will say that. Billy was happy, Sherry was happy. Buck was happy and even Carol was happy between runs to the bathroom to toss her cookies. Everyone was happy. Noah stopped over to our place and to Emma's a few times with Michael. Rosemary never came with, just Noah and the baby but I never did see a man has proud of a child as he was of that one.<p>

Joanie was all over happy with her courses and the cases she was helping with at the firm and I was happy too because I could see the light at the end of the tunnel as I was finishing my master's degree. It was a lot of work the last little bit but it's easy to do the work when the end is in sight. When I spared a thought for it I even was happy in the knowledge that almost any day I should get a call from Kid telling me he was back safe and all our worries were unfounded.

I did get a call one afternoon but it wasn't Kid on the line. It was an operator asking if I would accept the charges from a Theresa McCloud. Well, I always told her to call if she ever needed me and to call collect if she had to so of course I said yes.

"Theresa, honey, what's the matter? Where are you?"

"Across the street at a friend's house," she said and I could barely make out the words through her tears. "I have the boys with me. I don't know what to do, Uncle Jimmy."

"Sweetheart, I need you to breathe for me and tell me what's wrong."

"These men came to the house and one of them was a chaplain," she said and I got a real bad feeling. I had to sit down because my legs weren't going to hold me much longer. I had the phone to my ear with one hand and let my forehead fall into the heel of the other. I needed to stay strong for this poor girl on the phone. I could not start crying myself.

"I-I got Jack and Bobby to go play in Bobby's room so I could sit with Lou," she said and this was just getting worse and worse, "They said it was about Kid. He's missing, Uncle Jimmy. They aren't saying much more than that because they didn't recover a body but he's missing and I just don't know what to do."

"Missing?" I asked, "He's not dead then?"

"They said that we can't know," she answered, "No one else survived but then all the other bodies were found and they can't find him."

"Theresa, honey, are the boys good where they are? This friend, can she or her mom watch them?"

"Sure, Uncle Jimmy," she said trying to get a brave voice and I knew her she was trying to conjure up that brave face that her sister wore when things got tough.

"I want you to go back to your house. Are the men still there?"

"I think so," she said, "Let me look out the window. Yeah they are."

"Go home and try to get the information they are giving," I told her, "See to your sister. Make sure she eats something and take care of you too. Get her to bed if she'll go. I will call back at nine o'clock, okay? You wait for my call. Can you do that, sweetie?"

"Yeah I can do that," she said, "Uncle Jimmy?"

"What is it, honey?"

"I love you, you know that?"

"I love you too," I said and her words nearly made it impossible to speak. "I'll talk to you later."

I stood and hung the phone back on the wall and then slid down the wall and cried. I sobbed and pounded on the wall and I'm not ashamed to say I probably screamed too. This was my brother and right then he was either dead in a jungle or alive, possibly wounded and definitely terrified. I closed my eyes tight and tried to even get an image of what he might be going through or what his last moments had been like if indeed he was gone from us. I didn't know if it was denial or the connection granted us by virtue of having saved each other when we were younger but somehow I couldn't grasp him as being dead. It was like he was always this shining light for me. Like how boats gravitate toward the harbor shown them by a lighthouse. I could still see that light. It was dim and flickering and threatening to fade but it was there and as long as I could see it in my mind and feel it somewhere inside me, I had some faith that my brother was still out there.

"Well, Kid," I said somehow not feeling the slightest bit crazy talking out loud to someone who was on the other side of the globe. "I have to believe you're alive and I have to believe I'll see you again. You can't leave me. You just can't. You can't leave Lou with those kids either. Wherever you are, you stay safe now and get your ass on home to your family."

I straightened myself up, went to the bathroom and splashed water on my face and then wrote a note to Joanie telling her where I'd be. I knew it would take me a while to do all I had to do and I knew she'd worry if I wasn't there starting supper when she got home. I could have called her at the office, she was working on a case, but I didn't know what to say.

I grabbed my jacket and headed to my car. I spent the whole drive trying to figure out what to say and nothing sounded right but maybe that was just the very wrong nature of the news I had. I pulled into the garage and went in. Jesse looked up at me with a smile.

"Hey Jimmy," he called out, "Guess what?"

I never did ask him what and once the news was out I don't think he cared to tell me anymore.

"Is Al in his office?"

"Yeah," he said looking a little put out that I wasn't just dying to hear his news. I never treated him like that and he looked kind of scared like he knew it was serious.

I made my way into Al's office and shut the door behind me. He looked up with a smile on his face that disappeared as soon as he saw me.

"Sit," he said and I did. I don't think I could've stood much longer anyway. I didn't know at all how to say what I had to so I just stared at him for a while and he didn't try to prod me. Sometimes the more important the thing that someone has to say, the more important you don't get too impatient for them to say it. Al knew stuff like that too.

"Theresa called me," I told him and I couldn't help the way my voice cracked. He knew it was bad and just nodded to me to keep talking. I could see the pain in his eyes. I might just as well have told him that his own son was, well, he didn't know what news exactly I had, just that it was bad and must be about Kid. "He's missing."

"Merciful God," was all he could say as he sank back into the back of his chair like he'd been punched. We both just sat there for a while not saying anything and yet speaking volumes between us as his eyes told me to keep hope and mine told him I couldn't bring myself not to.

"Well," he said at last as he put his hands on his knees to push himself off the chair. "I suppose we need to tell the family and see what we do next."

"I have to call Theresa back at nine," I said and my own voice seemed to be coming from some deep cave right about then.

He patted me and told me to stay sitting. My head felt real swimmy right then and I don't think I could have stood if I had to right then. He went and got me a drink of water and then sat back at his desk and started making phone calls. I only half heard him as he called Emma and told her to expect a houseful and that he would bring something for everyone to eat and not to worry herself any about that. I know after that he set to calling everyone else and telling them to meet at Emma's. I just sat there feeling like it should have been my job to make those calls but then Al told me later, without me saying a word to him, that he knew I wouldn't be able to and that it made him feel good to still feel useful, as if I could ever not need that man.

I don't know how much time passed before Al came and took me by the arm and led me toward Emma's. I could see Jesse wanted to ask what was happening but he didn't. I think he knew on some level he didn't want to know. He didn't know Kid really at all but he knew what he was to all of us. Kid's picture was on Emma's mantel in his uniform just like on the mantel of every mom who's waiting for her boy to come home from the war. I felt like I was sleepwalking all the way there and I might not have moved forward at all if Al wasn't gently leading me by the arm. He knew. He understood. He might not've seen all the broken bones or black eyes but he knew what was between us and he got that. I know he had lost men he fought alongside in the war and that had to have been the closest thing to what Kid and I had. We got to Emma's porch and I just stopped. I don't know if I forgot how to climb steps or if I just didn't want to. Al put an arm around me and prodded me forward. It looked like everyone was there. I guess not quite everyone because I heard someone running up behind me and felt Joanie's arms around my waist from the other side of me from Al. I thought for a moment that one of them was going to have to lift my legs to get from step to step but somehow I managed it with only a little stumble. We got in the door and everyone was talking and laughing like nearly any time we get together. They looked up at us and the look on my face and on Al's too and the room got quiet that quick and the smiles sort of dripped off of their faces. Everyone looked at me and I just didn't have the words. Joanie didn't know what was wrong exactly because I hadn't been real specific in my note but she squeezed me and I started to speak like I'd been waiting for her to lend me the strength.

"I, uh, I got a call today," I began and then the tears filled my eyes. They didn't fall right then but I couldn't talk anymore.

"It's okay, love," she said hugging me tighter, "It's okay."

Al picked up where I left off and his voice was shaking but at least he could form words. He told them how Theresa had called and what she called about. Emma tried to stay stoic and brave until she heard that he was believed, although not confirmed, dead. Then she let out a wail that broke my heart into more pieces than it already was. Jesse rushed to her side and Sam gripped her tight. The pain that wail spoke of cut through us all harder than the news we had just gotten. She just couldn't lose another son. Yet I think she believed she just had.

Al got me to a chair and Joanie knelt next to me holding me so tight. I will say I never would have gotten through this without her. I could feel her tears seeping through my shirt and I knew that some of them were for her own worry for him and her own hurt and some of them were for Lou and Theresa and the boys but most were for me. She loved me so much and knew how bad it hurt to think I might lose my brother or maybe even that I already had.

Talk started again once the shock settled and I heard people figuring what to do next. I couldn't even focus and I'm pretty sure the tears that sprang to my eyes earlier were falling. I just did not care at that point. The only thing that kept me going when I was a boy was gone or in a peril I couldn't help him with. He was scared and alone and I wasn't there to help. I couldn't lead him from that darkness. I couldn't assure him he wasn't alone. He was alone. He was completely alone. We promised each other when we was young that we'd never leave each other, that we would always be there for each other and each of us would protect the other one. I know it was a promise made when we were too young to appreciate the complexities of the world but it was a promise broken all the same. I broke a promise to my best friend.

After a while, time was sort of losing any real meaning to me about then, Al came over and crouched by me.

"You need to make that call soon, son," he said gently. I hadn't realized it was that late. I looked down and saw that someone had put a plate of food on my lap but I hadn't even noticed it before. I realized right about then that there was food in my mouth and Joanie was holding a fork. She had been feeding me. It wouldn't be the last time she would have to do that but that is a story for much later. I almost started crying again at the care she was showing me. I wasn't normally that weepy but it was an extreme set of circumstances.

I nodded at Al dumbly and then looked to him like I wasn't even sure what I was supposed to say to that little girl. I wasn't either.

"I'm taking the train," he told me, "First one out tomorrow morning. I'll be there probably sometime late tomorrow night. Tell Theresa to get them packed as best as she can. I'll stay a day or however long it takes to arrange whatever we need to arrange and then I am bringing them all back with me. We're working out now where they'll stay but that's hardly the big issue at this point. We need to get them home to their family the sooner the better. You just tell her I'm coming."

I nodded again and hoped I'd find my voice before I had to make the call. Joanie wiped at the corners of my mouth and lifted another forkful of food to my lips. I wasn't really hungry but I took it anyway.

The time came and Joanie led me to the phone in the kitchen where it was quieter. It wasn't all that noisy anymore anyway since Buck and Ike had to get their broods home so the little ones could get to bed but it was hard to talk with Emma sobbing only a few feet away from me. Joanie sat me down and dialed the number and handed me the receiver. I heard Theresa's scared voice answer.

"Uncle Jimmy?"

Words that had stuck in my throat broke loose and I started telling her the whole plan and how she only had to deal with things on her own for another day or so and then Al would be there. Her voice calmed a great deal at hearing that. Al was like the way a dad was supposed to be. Like on those shows on TV where father knew best and you could always count on him to keep his head and know what to say or do to make everything okay again. I got off the phone and Joanie just held me for a while.

"Have you talked to Lou at all?" she asked.

I shook my head.

"Theresa can't get two words out of her besides 'no'," I answered, "She'll be here soon enough."

Al caught me as I was heading for the door.

"Jesse's insisting on trying to keep the garage open at least a little in the afternoons," he said, "Think you could maybe stop over and check in on him once in a while?"

I nodded and I was pretty proud of that kid right then. For him to want to help so badly that he would take it on himself at the ripe old age of fifteen to try to get and keep that garage open at least part of the days while the old man was away was pretty impressive and it spoke more to the man Al was than anything I did.

I don't remember it but somehow I ended up at home. I think at some point it occurred to me that I'd have to get my car but it wasn't my highest concern right then. Joanie pulled me into the apartment and straight to our room. She peeled my clothes off me and tucked me into bed almost like a child and then climbed in next to me and held me tight to her.

"He's not dead," she whispered, "I can tell that you somehow know that. He'll find his way home. You know he will. If there is any life left in him he will find his way back."

* * *

><p><strong>Oh crap...this one blindsided me. I knew it was coming from the very first chapter when I realized this was not a short story about a summer fling but still I thought I had more time...I had such fun writing Cody finally getting Sherry to marry him and then I looked to this chapter to see what came next and it hit me in the face that this is when this happened. I knew it too. Didn't make it any easier.-J<strong>


	74. Chapter 74

It was a full week or near to it before Al came home with Lou and the kids. The plan was for them to stay with Emma or between Emma and Al's place maybe. Plans changed awful quick when we saw the shape Lou was in and how harried Theresa looked. It was obvious that Lou hadn't been taking care of even herself and that Theresa had been doing it all. Al made all the decisions and sent the boys to Emma's and took Lou with him. He had thought to send Theresa to Emma's as well but Emma was a little concerned I think about having teenagers so close in age living in her home and I was worried she'd try to take on too much of the care of Bobby and Jack. I jumped in and said she could come home with me. I know the fold out in our living room wasn't the ideal situation but I also knew it wouldn't be permanent and would be better for her than being the one taking care of her sister and nephews. She needed to be able to be a kid and more than that she needed to be somewhere she could let her own feelings out.

As much as I wanted to rush in and take care of Lou I knew that she was in good hands. Al would see to her and Emma was right next door and Rachel would be around a little here and there too. I felt a little bad that I hadn't even talked it over with Joanie before I brought an almost fourteen year old girl to our place but I just didn't think of it to be honest. I had a habit of not thinking. Of course it turned out fine because Joanie always adored Theresa and as it turns out would have been pretty steamed at me if I hadn't brought her home with me. The very first night Theresa was there I got up in the middle of the night to hit the bathroom. I could hear the sniffling the moment I opened the bedroom door and I only needed to look up to see Theresa sitting up with her back against the back of the sofa and her knees pulled tight to her chest just sobbing her heart out. I decided my bladder could make it a while longer and crossed the room to her. She wasn't even aware that she wasn't alone anymore until I sat down on the edge of the bed. She looked up at me and quickly tried to dry her tears on the sleeves of her nightgown.

"I'm okay," she said, "Really I am."

Her tears got my own flowing and I opened my arms to her and she scooted over to me and laid her head on my chest.

"You're not okay," I told her, "I'm not either. I don't even think we're supposed to be."

There really weren't words to be said after that. I cried and let her cry and eventually we sort of cried ourselves out. I straightened up and brushed the tears away from her eyes

"Better?" I asked and she nodded. "You think you have to hide those tears?"

"The boys don't even entirely understand," she said, "And Lou…"

I just nodded at her knowing how Lou was the brief amount of time I had seen her before Al hustled her off to his spare room. There was hardly a trace of the spunky girl I used to know.

"That's why you're here, you know," I explained, "Because we know you're hurting too and you're still just a girl and you don't need to be taking on everyone else's pain at the cost of not dealing with your own. You know I love you like you were my own kid sister, right?" She nodded at me. "I'm going to try to be here for you if you give me the chance, okay?"

"Okay," she sniffed. I hugged her again and then headed to the bathroom to do what I had needed to do before. Once that was taken care of I went back to bed thankful that it didn't look like Joanie had moved since I had gotten up. I didn't want to be messing up her sleep right then. I nearly fell into bed as the late hour and the emotional exhaustion hit me like a haymaker. I rolled over to go to sleep and didn't even get settled before two arms wound their way around me.

"Are you alright, James?" Joanie asked me.

I rolled back over so I was facing her.

"I don't even know how to answer that," I said, "In guess no, I'm not but then I'm as okay as I think I have a right to be and maybe even more so. I just don't know anything anymore."

"I was worried when you didn't come back to bed right away."

"Theresa was crying," I explained, "Poor thing. I think she's been doing all her crying in the middle of the night when she wouldn't upset or bother anyone."

"Is she better now?"

"She was already asleep by the time I came out of the bathroom."

"Good," Joanie said softly, "Now you need your sleep too. You haven't had a full night since you got the news."

I held her tighter in the darkness and she started to rub little circles and random shapes on my back. I felt safe and maybe even something close to whole right then.

"Tell me it's going to be okay," I pleaded, "I can believe it when you say it."

"Everything is going to be fine," she soothed me, "Kid will be found and he will come home and help Lou raise those little boys and then we'll have a couple little ones of our own too and we'll all get together in the summer and have cookouts and when the kids are all grown and gone we'll get together like we used to do and have a beer or two while we play euchre. We'll laugh about the old times and the silly things we did and then we'll laugh at all the new memories we haven't even made yet. When you are an older man sitting and still arguing about the Tigers' chances at a pennant with Kid this night and this whole frightening time will seem so far off that it will hardly even seem like it really happened."

It sounded so good the way she said it and I could close my eyes and know that somewhere out there my brother was trying to find his way home to us and that he was one determined man. He would make it back someday and we all just needed some faith in him. I was finally able to fall asleep.

The next day was mercifully a Friday. Eventually Kid being missing would become as much a part of life as seeing the Ambassador Bridge in the distance but at that point it was new and everything I did that was normal felt wrong somehow.

The final bell rang and Ray Hastings, one of the English teachers, leaned into my office.

"Hey Jim," he said, "Bunch of us guys are heading out for drinks. You want to join us? That is if you can tear yourself away from that pretty wife of yours."

I thought for a second and I knew that being a Friday Joanie might be home so I called.

"Hey beautiful," I said, "Some of the guys are heading out for a couple of drinks."

"You should go," she said quickly and I knew she was hoping that getting out and hanging with friends might pull me out of my funk that I was in. "It'll be good for you. I'm sure Theresa and I can manage by ourselves."

So I went. It's not that I never went out with the guys after work and it's not that my old friends and I never found time to just play cards or have a few beers or anything it's just that I saw Joanie so seldom it seemed between work and school for the both of us that often I felt better about coming home to her. That night it seemed a change of scenery might just do me some good. I love Theresa and I wasn't kidding at all when I said she was like my own kid sister. I know she called me uncle but that was just because her situation was strange. She was being raised by her sister so her sister and brother-in-law were her folks for the most part and I'm their friend but then I don't know it worked when she was little to call me uncle and it sort of became habit. Might have been a habit that died as she got older if not for the boys. She got to a point where she almost started calling Lou mom just because that's how she would reference her to the boys. She treated those boys like her brothers too and not her nephews. Like I said it was a strange situation. I did love that girl and I was glad to bring her home with me for however long she needed to be there but looking at her sometimes was like an indictment against me that I couldn't answer to.

Kid may have been her sister's husband but he was the closest to a dad she'd ever known and unlike the boys, she was old enough to understand everything all too well. Sometimes I just couldn't take looking at her wounded little eyes.

Well, the bar was crowded and happy and a part of me wanted to just turn right around and leave. Ray put a hand on my shoulder.

"You need to relax man," he said, "I know you've had a rough week or so. Just try cutting loose a little."

I ordered a beer and started nursing on that. At some point and I don't remember exactly when because many parts of this night are a little fuzzy for me and some parts are just gone all together. But at some point and I am thinking it was near to the end of that beer I was slowly nursing along, Ray put a shot glass in front of me. Now I never shied away from drinking but I'd spent a good deal of my life seeing what it did to my folks and it's not that I blamed the booze necessarily but I feared often enough that the same monster that lived in my old man lived in me too and it seemed that alcohol was the key that unlocked that monster's cage. So I usually steered clear of the hard stuff and just drank the occasional beer. I shook my head at the offered shot of whiskey.

"Really you do need to lighten up, Jim," Ray said looking concerned about me. I downed the shot and winced a little at the sting of it. I like whiskey just fine but there's a little burn to it and if you haven't had any in a while it takes some getting used to. I let the liquid slide down my throat and felt the warmth spread through my body. It felt good and I nodded for another. After about three or four shots I realized that it was the first time in a week or more that I didn't hurt. It was like the hand that had been squeezing my heart to near breaking had finally let up. I just kept ordering shots of whiskey and eventually I not only felt no pain, I felt nothing at all. Feeling nothing was the closest to feeling good I figured I could hope for so I kept drinking. I don't remember much past that. I guess Ray somehow got me home and come Monday he asked about my head which really hadn't entirely recovered even then.

I woke the next morning alone in my bed. I think I would have woken up on the couch if not for Theresa being there already. Instead when I staggered to the bathroom that morning to toss what little was hanging out in my stomach; I saw Joanie and Theresa sharing the fold out. That didn't bode well but I couldn't really dwell on it too much. My stomach lurched again and I hurried into the bathroom and made it to my knees in front of the toilet just in time. As I knelt there heaving with my insides feeling like they wanted to become outsides I had a brief vision of the filthy bathroom I had knelt in the night before. I will tell you that most bathrooms in bars aren't places you want to use the urinal in let alone kneel on the floor of. Somehow I could remember the cool of the bar bathroom porcelain against my cheek and that knowledge brought another wave of fruitless convulsing from my stomach as there just wasn't anything left to bring up. I laid my head on the side of the toilet bowl in our apartment, the toilet bowl that I had personally cleaned more than once and when I didn't I knew Joanie did, the toilet bowl that was disinfected and springtime fresh. In that moment it was my very best friend in the world.

I heard the bedroom door close loudly and jerked myself upright. I think I had dozed a little there with my head against the bowl. I turned to see Theresa standing there waiting to use the room I was in. I smiled sheepishly at her.

"Are you alright?" she asked.

"I think I feel about how I deserve to feel," I answered as I walked past her and braved the bedroom.

"So you didn't die in there," Joanie said coldly once I got the door closed behind me.

"Death would be too easy for me," I replied, "I don't recall a single thing last night but somehow I know I ought to apologize."

"Do you even have the slightest idea what you are like when you are drunk?"

Well, the only other times I had been drunk it had been with guys who was drinking as much as me and was suffering the same memory problems come the next morning so I really didn't. I just shook my head.

"You are loud and obnoxious which I could tolerate," she began, "I got you into bed and then found out you are also grabby and quite tenacious at it, I might add."

Between the flashes of anger I could see the fear in her eyes. I looked down at my feet not daring to look back up at her face. I just couldn't handle what I was seeing there.

"I'm sorry, baby," I started.

"You chauvinist pig!" she yelled at me, "Baby? I am not your baby, I am your wife!"

"Joanie, I'm really sorry. It's just been so hard, you know."

"It's been hard for all of us," she shot back, "Probably most of all for that little girl who didn't need to see a man she worships come home in the state you did last night."

I just stared blankly at her.

"Kid was the only father she ever knew and now she's looking to you," Joanie said but I don't think she even realized what she said. Tears sprang to my eyes and I know she thought it was guilt and part of it was but the rest, well the rest was her choice of words.

"Was?" I asked, "He was?"

"Is," she corrected, "He is the only father she's known. You know what I meant, James."

"I wish I didn't," I told her, "I've studied Psychology, remember? I know all about Freudian slips and the subconscious."

"James, I really didn't mean that," she said begging me to believe her and I wanted to, I really did. She'd been the only one who could make me feel like I wasn't crazy believing he was still alive and coming home someday. If I lost that I didn't know where or how I'd find footing again.

"I only meant," she went on, "That he's been her father. It's been over a year now since he's gone and she's searching for another father figure. She needs that and she needs one as strong and safe as Kid always was when he was there. He'll be again for her, I know he will and you know he will. She's at a tough age to not have someone like that around though. A picture on a mantel is not a father. You're here and you need to pull yourself together for her and for you too. You think you're doing your brother any favors acting the way you are?"

Once again that seemed my cue to look at my feet. I swear my feet aren't any more interesting than anyone else's but sometimes it must look to other people like they are for as much as I stare at them.

"I'm sorry, Joanie," I mumbled.

"Are you coming to Temple?" she asked and I hadn't even really noticed what day it was until then. There was no way I was going too much of anywhere feeling like I did and especially not somewhere that I had to wear a tie. I love the chanting as much as the next person but that chanting with the way my head was pounding just didn't seem like a good idea. Besides, my stomach was still doing flip flops and I didn't think the drive all the way out to Bloomfield Hills was going to do me much good at all. I know there was synagogues closer to us but Joanie was comfortable there and so was I. I had my conversion there and we'd been married there and it was kind of a home of sorts. I shook my head and that wasn't really the right answer, I realized too late. It might not seem that some questions have right and wrong answers but if you've ever been married then you know that's not true. Most questions do and sometimes the truth is the wrong answer. It surely was that morning but thankfully she didn't yell at me. I never liked getting the look from her but it was easier on my aching head than the yelling.

"Fine," she said, "Theresa and I will go on our own. She said she wanted to see what it was like since the only time she's been was at our wedding."

With that she stalked out and not so much as a kiss goodbye. I trailed after her and caught her putting on her coat.

"I am sorry, Joanie," I said braving looking into her dark eyes, "I really love you and I know I wouldn't get through a single thing without you."

She gave me a quick kiss and that was all I needed to make me feel like I had some sort of hope in my life. I gave Theresa a hug and whispered to her, "I'm sorry I've been such a selfish jerk. You deserve better. I'll be better."

"I still love you," she whispered back.

"I love you too," I said and placed a kiss on her forehead.

They left and I went back to feeling rotten. I looked around my empty apartment and felt too lonesome to stay there and I knew Joanie would go and have lunch with her folks and maybe Uncle Eli and Aunt Naomi so I had time to kill. I decided to see if Al could use the company or maybe a little help with Lou.

I got over there and knocked on the door. Al looked tired and worn down but greeted me with a smile. I saw Rachel peek out of the kitchen to see who was there.

"Jimmy," she said opening her arms to me, "I'm glad you came for a visit."

There was something different between them and I looked from Al to Rachel trying to figure what it was. Finally Al spoke.

"We ain't made a big fuss about it or nothing but things happening like they did reminded me about how short life can be and how you can't wait to tell people what they mean to you," he said by way of explaining but I still didn't get what he was explaining. "That train to go get Lou didn't take off real early so I had time to get a little bit of paperwork filed and I asked Rachel here something and she said yes. When I got home we had everything pretty much in order and we went to the Justice of the Peace yesterday and got married."

I just stared at him. I had hoped that meeting Rachel would bring him some joy but I never had gotten to dreaming quite this much. Rachel blushed and I felt a little for her that there was no party for her to celebrate being a bride but I don't think she missed it. I know she had a nice wedding the first time around and Al had a couple of them and now it was more about the what came after. They would spend the rest of their lives together and that was more important than cake or champagne or any of the rest of it.

"Congratulations, old man," I said shaking his hand and then I hugged Rachel and gave her a kiss on the cheek, "For luck, just in case you need it."

"Now why are you on my porch on a Saturday morning looking like the world has ended? Aren't you usually in the Temple with your wife?" he asked.

We sat down while Rachel fetched some coffee and I explained how drinks with the guys turned into a shot of whiskey and how a shot of whiskey turned into not remembering how many shots of whiskey and not remembering how I got home and apparently trying to some degree or another to force myself on my wife and then about the fight we'd had that morning. He winced a couple of times but it was the kind of wince that you make when you relate too well to what's being said.

Rachel chuckled at me a little. I looked up at her thinking that she would have sided right away with Joanie and with good reason too.

"It's pretty funny how bad men can mess up, isn't it?" I asked her completely missing her point.

"Actually I was laughing at how Joanie doesn't even know how lucky she is. You've been married almost a year and a half and you were together how long before that?"

"Four years," I answered.

"So in five and a half years she's never seen you drunk or ugly before," she concluded, "That's pretty good. And you are dealing with a lot right now."

"I'm not the only one," I pointed out and the other two looked toward the hallway. I knew Lou was down there.

"No but you are entitled to a slip now and then," she said and I already liked her but I decided that Al had maybe found the perfect woman because she moved into this nurturing role for all us misguided kids he picked up.

"I feel so helpless," I said, "Kid's in some kind of danger or something and I can't help. I used to help him and he helped me and neither one of us can anymore."

Rachel shared a look with Al and excused herself.

"Son, I know you've heard more than you ever wanted to about my time in the war," Al began and I had heard a lot but I always kind of liked his stories. "See the men over in Germany and France and Japan weren't the only ones fighting the war. Everyone fought that war. They didn't call it a world war for nothing. People at home conducted air raid drills and collected rubber and metal and lived on rations all for the war effort. Not only did those things help the troops by giving them resources they needed but knowing that they weren't fighting alone and that everyone was holding down the fort until they got back made it easier on us to do what needed doing over there."

"So I should have a scrap metal drive and have Joanie plant a victory garden?"

"That wasn't exactly my point," he said, "You're taking care of Theresa right now and if we all pitch in and take care of Lou and the boys you know that would be a huge load off of his mind wherever he is. You know he is counting on us to keep things going while he's trying to get back to us."

I thought about it and decided that I couldn't do much for Theresa right then but maybe I could later and then I could see more to those boys and for right then I could make my way down that hallway and try to lure his wife out of her shell a little. I stood and nodded toward the hall and Al just smiled at me that I'd figured it out. I don't think I was quite prepared for what I found. I expected maybe a disheveled and crying woman but Lou was neither. Obviously Rachel had seen to brushing her hair and getting her into some clothes and Lou wasn't in the bed as I'd half expected. She was sitting by the window. Just sitting and staring out the window. I don't know what she was seeing but it sure wasn't the few stray snowflakes drifting past the leafless oak in the front yard.

"Lou," I said softly like I think I was afraid that anything might tip the balance of this quiet and I'd have some half-crazed devil on my hands or something. "You mind if I sit a spell with you?"

She still didn't move, not at all. I walked in and sat on the edge of the bed that was across from the chair she sat in. Her dark eyes were wide and sort of glassy. I honestly wondered how long she had been like that. Had there been tears or hysterics or had she just gone inside herself and locked the door behind herself?

"He's out there, you know," I said taking her hand and rubbing the back of it with my thumb. "He's trying to come home. I know you feel him too. Is that where you are? The place inside where you can feel him? I can feel him too. He's there and he still loves us. We have to love him back, you hear? Please hear me, Lou. He needs to feel your love coming back to him."

I sat a while longer and just held her hand and stared out the window a while and I didn't see that tree anymore than she did. I found that place inside me where I could hear his voice and I could feel him and I knew he wouldn't break his promise to always be there. He still was and I knew somehow I would see my brother again and Lou would have her husband back. We'd get through it but we'd have to do it together or we wouldn't be able to at all.

After a while I talked a little more to her and told her I was keeping an eye on her sister for her. I assured her that I was getting Theresa into school on Monday and that I'd make sure she was alright until Lou could do it herself again. I told her I'd look in on the boys now and again too but that Emma was taking care of them so they were in good hands.

"Well, I've got to be getting home now," I told her standing up but still not releasing her hand, "I messed it up with Joanie and I have to fix that. You'd probably laugh at my fool self any other time. I'll come back and visit you soon, okay?"

I didn't expect her to answer and she didn't, she just kept looking out that window. I leaned over and kissed her cheek and then whispered in her ear, "I love you Lou. We all love you. You need anything, just call for me."

And then I left.

I went home but I stopped at Meijer on the way and grabbed a few things. I had to find a way to make up for my behavior to the ladies so I needed a few things. I got home and set to work.

By the time Joanie and Theresa got home I was showered and shaved—I was still smelling like the bathroom floor of a bar when they'd gone—and dressed in clean clothes. I had flowers on the table, two bouquets; one for each of them and the table was set all nice. Dinner was nearly done. I had taken, on a whim, a cooking class when I was in college. Sometimes you just need to take something because it sounds sort of fun and sometimes you need some random elective just to fill out your course load. I hadn't ever made a lot of the things I learned in that class but that night my ladies were treated to lasagna and garlic bread and a salad as well. I sort of cheated and got a carton of ice cream for dessert but it was chocolate so they didn't mind too much. We spent the rest of the evening watching TV and talking and it felt kind of like being a real family or something. If I only knew then how different it is when it really is your own kids I don't know if I would have been so excited to have kids. But that night I redeemed myself to my girls and they were happy with me. Theresa gave me a big hug before bed and I don't think she cried at all that night. Joanie even snuggled back up to me in bed and I felt like maybe I had some sort of handle on things—for a while at least.

* * *

><p><strong>So yeah...Jimmy got wordy on me and how would we recognize JB Hickok (in any year) without him at least once handling his problems by climing into a bottle of whiskey and acting like a jerk?<strong>

**Um...Meijer...used to be a Michigan only thing but I think it's expanded...still kind of regional though...they were like super WalMart before there was such a thing...the whole groceries plus everything else...my friend and I joke that Meijer is where you go when you need lip gloss, motor oil, a potted plant, a slinky and a gallon of milk all at 2 a.m.-they're open 24 hrs too...heheeh. Seriously once I went in to get things I forgot to get for my son's birthday cake and there was a guy heading to the checkout with two industrial size jars of pickles and a dustpan...it was one in the morning...I really wish I knew the story behind that one...**

**I think that's it though...jsut like tell me what you think and stuff.-J**


	75. Chapter 75

The next day was Sunday, of course and that meant dinner at Emma's. I was looking forward to seeing how Bobby and Jack was settling in and I think Theresa was looking forward to seeing them. She knew Emma was taking good care of them and all but she missed them all the same. I could understand. I know Theresa wanted to see Lou too but I also knew Lou wouldn't be there. I had very mixed feelings about letting Theresa see her sister and I went back and forth on it for a while.

Everyone was there and it was a more somber affair than most Sunday dinners at Emma's. We tried to joke and talk about the Lions and things like that but nothing seemed to matter as much as the one thing we weren't talking about. I was helping Emma with putting that platter up. I still always wondered why she insisted on putting something on such a high shelf that she needed every single week for dinner. But I went in and helped her every week anyway. I wonder if that wasn't why she kept it there, just so she could always get me off by myself and check on me. Emma was good like that.

"Theresa looks good," she said like it was idle conversation though we knew it wasn't, not by a long shot.

"She had a rough night or two but she's perking up. How are the boys?"

"They miss their mama something fierce," she told me, "And their sister."

"I'm afraid Theresa will try to take over their care too much if she moves in here."

"Oh Jimmy, she's not coming here," Emma said, "There's no way I could chance it."

I didn't understand but she nodded to the dining room where Theresa and Jesse were stealing glances at each other while trying real hard to pretend they hadn't noticed the other.

"Oh," I said feeling a little thick for not seeing it sooner, "It's like that, is it?"

Emma nodded but smiled. I know I smiled too at the thought that in the midst of such hurt and turmoil that love or something resembling it would still perk its little head up like crocuses through the snow in March.

"Well, she could do worse than Jesse," I said, "He'll treat her good and he's on his way to becoming a fine man. Sam's seeing to that."

"You put him on the right path. I just feel so bad for little Bobby and Jack. They're so close to their mama and they can't see her."

"Emma, you know they don't need to be seeing her like she is. I was there yesterday and she doesn't even blink hardly."

"I know," she said and I watched her take a deep breath, blink and swallow away the lump in her throat. I hugged her tight and then picked up the plate she had made up for Lou.

"I'm going to go and take care of Lou for a bit," I told her, "I think I'm going to take Theresa with me."

"Are you sure that's a good idea?" she asked.

"No, I'm not," I said honestly.

I walked out into the dining room where Theresa was blushing brightly having just noticed that Jesse had caught her looking at him but not realizing that he had only been able to catch her because he was trying to look at her.

"Grab your coat, Theresa," I said, "I need to take some food to your sister and I figured you'd want to come with."

She jumped up without so much as another look at Jesse. I even saw Jesse stand like a gentleman does when a lady stands. He didn't do that for anyone else so there was something special going on here. As long as this something special didn't move too fast. I wasn't kidding about Jesse being a good kid but he was a guy and he was fifteen. And I remembered what I was like at fifteen and I would have had no business around a nice girl like Theresa. I had actually been around nice girls like Theresa and I did things I'd have to kick his ass for doing.

Theresa was quiet most of the way next door until we got to climbing the porch steps.

"How bad is it, Uncle Jimmy?"

"Well, I don't know what she was like before you came here," I said, "I know she's not moving or reacting to anything."

"Sounds the same," Theresa told me, "She screamed once when the men came to talk to her and then after that she cried a little while and then she just turned off, like a light switch."

I nodded, she was still turned off and I didn't know how we'd flip that switch the other way but I wasn't going to stop trying. Kid was coming home sometime and I wasn't going to let him come home to a nearly catatonic wife.

We went into the room and Theresa just hung back a little bit. I know she wanted to help her sister something fierce but when you're that young you don't always know the right way to go about it. I sat down on the bed and faced her. I set the plate down on the little table and took Lou's hand in mine. It was limp and cool between my fingers and looking at her face, there was no change at all in her, nothing that said she even knew I was there.

"You sure are looking pretty today Lou," I said trying to sound like I even thought for a second she could hear me. Hell, maybe she could but she wasn't showing it at all. "Emma sent over some food because, well, you know how Emma is. See, Theresa came over too. She's been missing you more than a bit, I suspect but she and Joanie are making the best of it. I'll get her started in school tomorrow. I talked to the teachers at the junior high and she should be right where they are so it shouldn't be any problem at all. But if she needs any help you know Joanie's got the brains so she'll help her out."

As I spoke I filled a fork and raised it to her lips. When the utensil touched her mouth, she opened and allowed me to feed her but still nothing changed in her face at all. I was able to get a few bites of food in her before she stopped opening her mouth and letting me feed her. I looked over to Theresa where she still stood by the door unsure of herself and motioned for her to come over and sit and I moved out of her way.

"Emma sent a slice of apple pie too," I said, "Theresa's going to give you some, okay?"

The poor kid looked at me like she wasn't sure what to do but I knew she had fed those little boys on more than one occasion and I was sure she could figure it out.

"I think Theresa has some things she'd like to tell you without me here listening in so I'm going to step out a bit," I told her, "I'll be back in a few."

I went to leave and Theresa grabbed my arm. I leaned down to her and whispered, "Just talk to her like she's listening and talking back to you. I imagine you want to tell her about your crush on Jesse."

Then I winked at her to let her know I might be older and married but I wasn't stupid. Then I left them alone. Lou probably wouldn't answer that day but I had some sort of faith she would eventually and hearing her sister's voice would be good for her anyway. I had to believe she could hear us. I waited a little while before going back in to see Theresa smiling and setting down an empty plate that had once held a perfect wedge of Emma's famous—or it should have been—apple pie.

"She ate the whole piece," Theresa said triumphantly.

"Don't surprise me," I told her, "She always had a weakness for Emma's pies."

I went over and leaned down and kissed Lou's cheek.

"We're going to go, Lou," I whispered to her, "But you know we're just next door."

We left and I heard Theresa sniffle a little as I shut Al's front door behind me. I sat down on the top step and patted the spot next to me. I didn't say a word to her and I know none were needed; I just put an arm around her shoulders and let her cry. It was early December and blasted cold and I don't think either of us truly realized that fact.

"I'm scared," she cried into my coat, "I'm so scared. I don't want to be alone but everyone leaves me. Dad left before I ever even knew him and then mom and Kid's gone now for who even knows how long and Lou's bailing on me too. Why won't anyone stay with me?"

I kissed the top of her head and tried to think what to tell her knowing full well that nothing I said would help. She had been in one way or another abandoned by everyone who was supposed to take care of her.

"I'm here," I said, "I can tell you I won't leave you but I wouldn't expect you to believe it no matter how much I mean it. But think how every time one person leaves, another comes in to fill the gap. I want to promise I will always be here for you but things can get out of our control sometimes. Like for your mom, she didn't want to leave you at all. She just got sick. I can't promise you that something might not happen to me or to Emma or Al or any of us. But somehow there will always be someone who loves you to take care of you. That promise I can make."

"I like staying with you and Aunt Joanie," she said real quiet, "Can I even after Lou is better?"

"I would guess you will until she can get on her feet and find a real place to stay," I answered, "I know Emma won't want you and Jesse under the same roof and you really can't share the spare room here. We need to let Al and the missus have some time to be a married couple eventually."

"They didn't even get a honeymoon," she said sadly.

"I don't think they even missed it," I told her honestly, "Maybe once things settle I can see if Mr. Cohen would let them use the cabin for a little while once the weather gets nice too."

"I think Al would like that a lot but would Rachel?"

"The cabin has its charms for lovers that you little missy do not need to know a thing about yet," I said.

"I'm not a baby Uncle Jimmy."

"I know you're not," I agreed, "But you are still a child and that's all there is to that."

"Are you mad that I like Jesse?"

"Nope," I replied truthfully, "Not mad that he likes you either. In fact I think you two could be good friends for each other but he is older and I don't want to see you getting pushed too fast."

"I wouldn't let him," she said with finality.

"Yeah I'm sure there was a few girls said that about me at some point and they were wrong."

Theresa sort of stared at me like she didn't believe I would admit something like that. I told you once though I don't lie to my girls. I never did. They're better off knowing what pigs men and boys can be. Not all of us are and not all the time but it's good to be on your guard. We stood up and headed back to Emma's.

"Thanks," Theresa said to me.

"For what?"

"Taking me with you," she answered, "It's sad to see her like that but she's done so much for me I feel like I need to help her somehow."

That felt good right there because I wasn't sure I had done the right thing taking that girl over to see her sister in that state. I think it really did her some good and it was the right call. Things were kind of sedate after that though they did perk a little bit after Al and Rachel made their announcement. There was a lot of handshaking and congratulations and all the guys making sure to kiss the bride. It's supposed to be lucky and it's an excuse to kiss a pretty girl without your wife giving you the stink eye.

Emma caught me alone at one point and asked how Theresa did with seeing her sister.

"She was grateful," I said, "She really wants to help Lou and doesn't know how."

"Oh the poor little lamb," Emma said placing her hand on her chest, "Maybe it's a good thing she's got someone to make eyes at her. Something like that can be a welcome distraction."

I nodded and just hoped that they kept it at making eyes at each other.

Joanie and I took Theresa home eventually and it was sort of funny because I think she wanted to stay longer even though she and Jesse hadn't actually said a single word to each other. It was really kind of cute. I felt a little bad too when we left because the boys started crying and throwing a decent fit at her leaving. Bobby was only four then and little Jack was three so they had no idea what was going on. I know they loved Emma and all but they were so frightened of all the changes around them that they didn't understand that it could only come out as a crying fit. I thought to stay a bit thinking that would help but Emma said she had it under control and they would be fine once we'd left. Theresa cried most of the way home about leaving those boys like that. She had stopped crying by the time we got home but I knew Joanie was still feeling bad for her. I kind of left the girls to their own devices. Soon I heard singing and giggling from the living room. I thought maybe to peek in on their fun but then they needed their girl time and I think it was best to keep their club 'no boys allowed'. It was enough to hear their laughter. Joanie had been struggling with the situation with Kid and a few other things too. Bubbe was ill and it wasn't even the type of sick where there's something wrong you can pinpoint. It was just old age. She was old and her body was breaking down and it was clear that sooner rather than later it would break down completely and there wouldn't be anything that anyone could to do prevent or even delay that.

I never got on with the woman at all and I know she darned near hated me but I don't wish for anyone's death—I hadn't even wished really for my parents'—and even if I could have been the type that would wish a person dead, she was the only grandparent my darling wife had left. I would never, ever wish hurt on my Joanie. Hearing them giggle was so nice and sweet I really didn't accomplish much reading or studying. After a while the giggling died down and I figured Theresa was getting ready for bed and such. It was going to be a big day the next day what with starting a new school and all. I was kind of surprised to hear a knock on the door. I figured the only one coming in would be Joanie and it's not like she knocked to come into her own bedroom.

"Come in," I called and I watched the door slowly open and Theresa peeked around.

"Can I talk to you, Uncle Jimmy?"

"Of course you can," I said and sat up and put down my book. Theresa sat on the edge of the bed and turned to face me.

"I'm kind of scared of tomorrow," she confessed, "I hate changing schools and what if it's harder here or something and I don't know anyone at all. At the last school I had met a neighbor girl the day we moved in so there was at least one person I knew. Jesse's not at my school is he?"

There was such hope in her voice that I hated to dash it with my answer.

"No, he's in high school," I told her, "Now I'm pretty sure you're going to make lots of friends and I know you are plenty smart enough to tackle the work and you know I'll try to help and your Aunt Joanie will probably succeed in helping. She's the brains of this operation, you know."

She rolled her eyes at me. I never did know if that was a good thing or not when a woman did that but it seemed a common reaction to me and a good deal of what I said.

"I'll take you tomorrow," I assured her, "And I'll get you as settled as I can before I head to my office. They already know I'll be running late."

"Can I ask you something else?"

I nodded.

"Why did you get drunk on Friday?"

"Because I thought it would make things hurt less," I said knowing there wasn't any real benefit in lying to the girl. She was smart and would smell BS a mile away anyway and she needed to know she wasn't alone in the dealing.

"Did it?"

"I thought it did at the time but no, it didn't," I replied, "If anything it made it all hurt worse. It made me feel emptier and I didn't even think that was possible. And it made me feel like I was letting him down."

"How's that?" she asked.

"We promised each other once that we would always be there for each other," I explained, "We had a rough time growing up and I think you know a little of what we went through. But anyway we promised that like brothers we would always be there if the other one needed us and I was so focused on not being where he is that I missed what I can do to help him now. He needs me to take care of his family until he can get back. I didn't do a very good job of that on Friday and I'm sorry."

"Do-do you really think he's coming back?" she asked and it was so soft I almost couldn't make it out. I know the courage it took for her to even voice it.

"I do," I said, "Somehow I feel like I'd know it inside somewhere if he was dead. I have to believe he's still out there and if that man is out there then he will find a way back to your sister and to Bobby and Jack and to you as well. I know it."

She smiled a little at me and I kissed her head and told her goodnight. She went out to crawl into bed and Joanie came in smiling.

"You just love playing the hero riding in on your horse to save the day, don't you?" she asked smirking at me her arms folded across her chest.

"Aw shucks ma'am," I said in my best TV cowboy voice though which one of them I might have been trying, and failing, to imitate I don't know. "I don't reckon I'm any kind of hero or nothin'."

She laughed at me and I kissed her on my way to brush my teeth. As I headed for the bathroom I saw Theresa was tucked in reading a book.

"Lights out in a half hour," I said, "It's a school night, you know."

That was the first time ever in my life I got the full teenage girl sigh in response to something I said. I finished making my way to the bathroom and got ready for bed and then I stared in the mirror over the sink trying to figure when I became a person who said things like 'it's a school night'. I didn't look a damned thing like Ozzie Nelson or Fred McMurray or even Andy Griffith. Those were the men who said things like that. I didn't even look nothing like my own old man and but he never said anything like that either. Now a few years later I did get people saying I looked like the younger guy on Marcus Welby, the one that played Dr. Kiley. But he wasn't a dad kind of character at all or the kind to say 'it's a school night'. Finally I quit wondering and just sighed and shook my head. As I walked through I looked up at Theresa who was still reading away.

"Half hour," I said.

"I know, Uncle Jimmy," she said losing patience with me, "I heard you the first time."

I smiled as I walked into the bedroom. I didn't know it quite then but that is the essence of a teenage daughter right there in that exchange. Now I was never Theresa's dad but I was the closest thing she had then and for a while after that too.

"What are you smiling at?" Joanie asked.

"I forget sometimes she's not a little girl anymore and I wonder when I became not a kid anymore myself."

"If you figure it out, let me know," Joanie said returning her attention to the book in her hands. "Things were so much simpler when I was her age."

* * *

><p><strong>That is kind of what it's like the first time you utter words like that and even more so when you're not really old enough to be in that position...Very strange indeed. So for people not as into TV history as I am (or maybe just not as old as I am) I will save you some Google time...Ozzie Nelson was the star of Ozzie and Harriet, Fred McMurray the doting, yet serious father on My Three Sons and Andy Griffith of course was the single dad sheriff of good old Mayberry in The Andy Griffith show...as for the other reference...Marcus Welby, MD was a show about a family doctor and there was a younger doctor on the show as well for the women to swoon over. Dr. Kiley played by James Brolin who is of course the father of one Josh Brolin...I just couldn't resist putting it in there...and he's right about it being a few years off because Marcus Welby didn't air first until 1969...but go ahead and look up pictures...young Josh looks a lot like young James Brolin.<strong>

**The lighter tone of that part of the chapter was my reward to myself for another scene of catatonic Lou...I wish I could just have her snap out of it but that wouldn't be realistic. So I am stuck with this a while longer...**

**The flirting was all for you, Kristina! Hehehehe...and they are kind of cute too.-J**


	76. Chapter 76

The next morning looked more like the keystone cops than the way school mornings looked on those TV shows. Joanie would need more practice before she would be Donna Reed and I was never going to be Ward Cleaver. But somehow we got Theresa up and fed and dressed and out the door. I drove her even though she could've walked and most days she would although it was on my way and if the weather was too bad I'd drop her off.

Theresa was quiet on the drive over and I could see her fingers playing with one of the buttons on her coat, buttoning and unbuttoning it over and over.

"You don't need to be afraid, you know," I told her and looked over quickly to see her try for a brave smile. I wondered if that was a trait their mom had before she got sick too or if she just learned it from her sister.

"I'm not," she began and then she stopped, "Okay, yeah, I'm scared."

"Me telling you that you're going to do fine isn't going to help, is it?" I asked already knowing the answer.

"No," she said almost like she was apologizing for that being the truth.

I sort of chuckled, "Don't sound sorry. You don't have to lie to make me feel better. I have an idea though."

"What?" she asked and her fingers finally stopped fiddling with that button for a little while.

"You'll see when we get there."

I pulled into the parking lot and I went in with her to get her schedule and walked to find her locker and made sure she knew how to open it. We found her first class and she looked at me scared like I was leaving.

"I'm not going just yet," I told her, "There's one more place to go."

I took her hand and led her to the office and through it and to the counselor's office. I leaned in the door at the balding man hunched over paperwork on his desk. I knocked and he looked up at me.

"Hey Mike," I said, "Got a minute?"

"Jim," he said smiling, "If you've come all the way to my lowly little office I guess I could spare even two or maybe three."

I pulled Theresa into the office and led her to the desk.

"I have a special case for you," I told him, "Her name is Theresa McCloud and she's, well, it's hard to explain."

Of course I had to explain anyway so I made the long story of how I knew her as short as I could so she wouldn't miss the first bell. Once Mike knew what the story was I turned to Theresa.

"This is Mr. Terwilliger," I told her, "He does here what I do at my school and he has the same open door policy that I do. If you're feeling scared or having any problems at all, you walk right in here. If somehow he can't help, though I'm sure he can because he's better at this than I am, he'll give me a call."

"I am very pleased to meet you, Theresa," Mike said shaking her hand, "Jim flatters me. I've been at this longer but I doubt I'm any better. But he's right, if you need to talk about anything or just need a little quiet time, come on down here and see me."

She gave him a smile and it didn't seem like she was forcing it to be there. Mike was good at what he did and he was easy to talk to for all the kids. I knew she was in good hands.

"So kiddo," I said, "You should probably get to homeroom now."

She nodded and when we were out of the office she wrapped her arms around me and whispered, "Thanks Uncle Jimmy."

I patted her on the back and watched her walk away. It never gets easier to see them walking away from you. She wasn't mine and I'll tell you that first day of any new school for my own always tore me up even worse than seeing Theresa head off on her own. I know she'd been going to school all this time and I wasn't there but now she was my responsibility and that changed a lot of things. Well, there wasn't anything more I could do at the junior high so I went back out and drove to my own building and went into my own office with a cup of coffee and set to working on my own paperwork until my own students came to find me. Mondays were as busy as Fridays were slow. No one wanted to stick around Fridays and on Monday every bit of drama from the weekend beat down my door. Or it would have if my door had been closed. The good thing about Mondays if anything could be good about getting up early and putting on a suit instead of sleeping in and hanging around the house in jeans was that being so busy, my day went real fast. Now I usually stayed a little after if one of the kids wanted to talk to me but no one did that day so I blew out of there before anyone decided to. My real tough cases knew how to get a hold of me anyway.

I waited outside the building until I saw her walk out with two other girls and I waved to her. She smiled and ran over, new friends in tow.

"Uncle Jimmy," she said a little out of breath from the jog over, "This is Penny and Vicky."

I nodded, "Pleased to meet you ladies."

Those girls got to giggling and I had a thought or two about how Theresa made such fast friends. Apparently I was one heck of an ice breaker.

"You 'bout ready to go, Theresa?"

She nodded and called out that she'd see her friends the next day and then climbed into the car.

"I take it that means things went well?"

"Yeah," she said smiling, "I think it's going to be just fine here."

"Well, you know I don't like to be the type who says I told you so," I smiled at her.

"But you just can't resist now, can you?"

I laughed a little at her.

"This isn't the way home, is it?" she asked.

"No."

"Are we going to see the boys?" she asked.

"And your sister," I answered, "I think she needs to hear all about your first day at school. Besides, if you want to stop and say 'hi' to Al, he does still keep that dish of candy on his desk."

"Uncle Jimmy," she said rolling her eyes, "I'm almost fourteen years old."

"I guess you'd probably be more interested in the kid that works for him, some guy named Jesse."

"Maybe," she squeaked and I decided from that tone that I'd better keep somewhat of an eye on her whenever she was near him.

I pulled into Al's driveway and passed Annie in the doorway. She had come over to sit with Lou while Rachel was working.

"Hi Annie, the kids with Emma?"

"No, I wouldn't do that to her right now," she said smiling kind of sadly, "They're with mother today. She was complaining that she doesn't see them enough. We'll see what tune she's singing once I get there to pick them up."

I laughed at the little joke. I had watched those kids before and they were good for me usually but they could wear you right out and sometimes communicating with Timmy could be frustrating for those of us who don't know sign so well or when he ran into something he didn't know how to say yet. It's one thing when a little one don't know how to say something in a language you speak but quite another when you're not so good at the language they're learning.

"How's she doing today?" I asked nodding toward the house.

"The same," Annie replied looking apologetically at Theresa who forced that brave smile that fooled no one and really made us all hurt for her a little more.

Theresa and I got in the door and I could tell Rachel was having a hard time of things that day. It was hard for her. She had taken to us all really quick and seeing the way the war was tearing through our little makeshift family was wearing on her. It was hard not to like Lou, hell, it was hard not to love her. She had spunk and she was kind of inspiring too so seeing her like she was well, it was kind of like seeing Superman hailing a cab or something. It just wasn't how things was supposed to go. I nodded to her and went with Theresa down the hall to the room Lou was in.

"Hey Lou," I said, "I see you got to visit with Annie today. That must've been nice for you, she's a nice lady. I brought Theresa again. I thought you'd like to hear about her first day. I imagine she'll tell you more but she already has a couple friends. I knew she would, she has your sweet smile and magnetism."

I looked at her and tried to wish myself into seeing her move or react but she didn't.

"Well, I'm going to leave you girls to your chit chat and see how Rachel's day was."

I made it back out to the living room where Rachel was sitting on the sofa with her head in her hands and I know she was trying real hard not to cry but she was all the same.

"Can I get you something, Rachel?"

Her head shot up and she quickly wiped her eyes.

"No, Jimmy," she said, "I'll be alright. I've got probably the least right to cry and just look at me."

"I'd say you've got as much as anyone else here," I said, "You want my opinion, it's nice you care about us this much. Al got himself a good one with you, that's for sure."

"I read to her. I talk to her. I brush her hair and feed her and I just can't reach her."

"I know it's a helpless feeling," I agreed, "Lou's tough but I think she just ran out of tough for a while. When she gets it back we'd all better just watch out."

We talked a little more and I think Rachel just craved talking to someone who could talk back. I think Al was even getting a little quiet with all that had been going on. Poor Rachel had no one to talk to but silent, motionless Lou and a bunch of junior high English students who called her 'Mean old lady Dunne' behind her back.

"I'd better go see how the girls are doing," I said, "Theresa still wanted to see the boys and I think she wanted to stop over and see Jesse too."

"You keep an eye on that, Jimmy," she cautioned, "He's a good kid and all but…"

"I know and I am."

I got to the bedroom doorway and nearly ran smack into Theresa looking frantic.

"What's the matter?"

"Where's her record?" Theresa asked.

"What record?" I asked right back, "Whatever it is probably is still packed in the boxes in my old apartment."

That room over the garage came in pretty handy for storing things and knowing they'd be safe and all.

"It was our mom's record and when Lou was a baby she'd put it on and sing it to her and when I came along she did to me too until she got sick."

Her eyes were still darting around as if she'd happen upon it if she just looked a little harder.

"She always plays it when she's upset and it makes her feel better," Theresa continued, "She's swaying now like she does when she listens to it. I have to find it and play it for her, Uncle Jimmy. I just have to."

"I can go through the boxes tomorrow and look for it-"

"Now, Uncle Jimmy," she insisted, "She needs it now."

"Theresa, there's just too many boxes to go through for right now," I explained, "If we start right after school tomorrow I'm sure we'll find it. Tell me what I'm looking for and I'll get it for you then."

"It's a Jimmie Davis record," she said, "You Are My Sunshine. I know, we'll just sing it to her. I'm sure that would be good enough."

"You should sing to her," I told her, "Believe me, if you want your sister better, having me sing won't do it."

"Please," she said and looked up at me with those big eyes and there was nothing I could do. Only a monster could say no to those eyes when something meant that much to her.

"I'm not sure I know the song all through," I said still kind of trying to back out. I did know the song. Before Polly turned to the bottle she would sing it to me sometimes. I would never forget that song.

"I'll start and you sing what you remember," Theresa said taking my hand and leading me over to where Lou was swaying in her chair.

"You are my sunshine, my only sunshine," Theresa started in softly and I could hear the strain in her voice as she fought her tears. Well, I couldn't leave her singing solo like that so I joined in.

"You make me happy when skies are grey. You'll never know dear, how much I love you. Please don't take my sunshine away."

I watched Lou as we sang. She didn't speak or move really but her expression changed and I felt her hand tighten around mine as a tear escaped her eye and trickled down her cheek. We sang through it a couple more times but that was the extent of what we got out of her. I stood and kissed the side of her head and whispered to her, "I knew you were still in there. I'll get that record for you. I promise I will, sweetheart, I promise."

I went to the doorway and turned to see Theresa stand and hug her sister tightly and then, even though she still didn't speak, Lou's arms wrapped around that girl and held her tight for a moment before they went slack again. Theresa let go too then and her eyes were shining when she turned to me and I'm certain mine were getting a little moist too. I put an arm around her as she left the room and we headed over to Emma's to see how the boys was faring. Well they charged Theresa the second they laid eyes on her and any sadness she had about her sister was replaced with happiness at seeing those faces. They were a couple of pretty cute faces too. I could hear Theresa giggling as both boys tried to tell her everything they had been doing all at once.

I found Emma in the kitchen stirring something on the stove with Sarah Jean on her hip.

"How's it going with them?" I asked.

"They're stronger than the rest of us in a lot of ways," she answered, "I still don't think they entirely understand but they have adjusted to the arrangement finally. I still think they'll do better once they get their mama back. I check on her sometimes in the evening."

Emma shook her head sadly.

"Well, I think we're making progress with her," I said and went on to tell her of what had happened when we sang to Lou.

"You sang to her Jimmy?" she asked for that moment disregarding the impact it'd had on Lou, "I just can't even see that."

"Theresa asked me to," I told her, "She said please."

Emma laughed a little at me and I think she was really feeling better that there was a little improvement for Lou. I went back out in the living room and while Theresa was playing with Jack and Bobby I could tell she wanted to be somewhere else but didn't know how to get away.

"You know," I said, "I wasn't kidding that Al still has that dish on his desk. If you took those boys for a walk I'm sure it would be a help to Emma to not have them underfoot while she cooks and then you'd have a legitimate excuse to be heading over there and you might just get to see Jesse for a minute or two."

I saw the gratitude in her smile as she got the boys' coats on. They protested until she told them they were going to visit Al and then they were more than willing to get ready. I watched her walking down the sidewalk with one chubby little boy's hand in each of hers.

"How is she doing?" Emma asked from behind me, Sarah Jean still on her hip.

"Actually, she seems like she's holding up alright," I replied walking over and taking the baby from her and kissing the little girl on the forehead. "She gets sad, of course but she made some friends today and I think it helped her a little that she came up with the idea that started getting through to Lou. She wants to help her so bad."

I sat for a while and talked to Emma, catching up mostly. She told me how Sam and Jesse had taken to the boys but still how hard it was sometimes. She didn't know the boys' night time routine and so the first few nights were very tough as she learned what they needed to feel secure and maybe a little less like their whole world was tipped upside down. They were feeling more at home though and that was good. Still I don't think even Emma was prepared for the mischief two boys so close in age could make. I could tell that some days she had been nearly at her wits end with what they could get into and the messes they could make. Oh yeah, and how little time it could take them to get into something. She sounded almost afraid to use the bathroom sometimes and I could see why. Most of the time though I think she was too much in love with those kids to get too mad at them though.

After a while I had to go and collect Theresa and the boys so I could get her home and get some supper started before I had to head to class. As I walked up on the garage I could see Jesse leaning against the side of the building talking to Theresa. She looked like she was crying and I saw him reach out and brush his hand against her face. I guessed he was drying her tears and I mentally complimented him for such a smooth move. He took her hand and I have no idea what he said to her but she wasn't crying anymore. I almost hated to break up such a sweet moment but then I did have to get her home and see if she had homework and things like that, things I hadn't thought I'd be considering for quite some time.

"You leave the boys inside with the old man?"I asked and Jesse looked up like he was guilty of something. I think he was just startled and I was more an authority figure to him than any of the other guys that looked at me like a brother. I was like a big brother and he looked up to me. I know he tried to make me proud of him the way that he wanted Sam to also. I think he was a little worried about me approving of something or other.

"Yeah, I guess I should go get them and take them back to Emma's," Theresa said looking down and heading into the garage.

I walked over and leaned against the wall next to Jesse and leaned my head back.

"Is she okay?" I asked.

"She's sad," he said, "I guess we all knew that though."

"She seemed to feel better after talking to you," I observed.

"I didn't do anything," he told me looking at his feet, "I just listened."

"Sometimes that's all it takes. I know you understand her pretty well," I said, "She's lucky to have a friend like you."

"I kind of wish I was more than a friend, you know?"

"That's natural. She's a pretty girl," I acknowledged, "And she likes you. You just be damned careful of her. You hear me?"

"I'm not going to do anything to hurt her," he said, "I just wanted to maybe take her to a movie or out for a malt or something. I've never asked a girl out before. I'm not sure how."

"When you figure it out, you know my phone number. I'm pretty sure she'd say yes."

"You think?" he asked and I wondered if I had been that thick when I was his age. I figured I probably had.

"Yeah, I can all but guarantee it."

We went inside and Theresa was telling Al about the song and Lou's reaction to it.

"I know that song," he said, "I guess that's worth a try to keep singing it. If nothing else she might come back to us just to tell us all to shut up."

I chuckled a bit and figured she might just to stop my god awful singing. But still I was going to find that record.

"I guess we'd better get going Theresa," I said, "You want to get the boys back to Emma's and meet me at the car?"

"I'll walk with you," Jesse piped up, "I mean if that's okay and all. I have a lot of homework so Al was sending me home early anyway."

Theresa looked at me and I nodded to her that it was just fine if he walked with her and she smiled at him. Those smiles are the kind of smiles all men dream of getting from girls.

The young people all left and I watched them go. Theresa and Jesse in the middle of the two boys and him being so bold as to take her hand.

"If that don't beat all," Al said.

"Yeah, it kind of makes you feel like there's some hope in the world, don't it?" I replied.

* * *

><p><strong>Ah yes, young love...so sweet...hopefully soon I can get Lou talking...she's not a lot of fun to write right now.-J<strong>


	77. Chapter 77

Well there you have how my week went. We got better at our morning routine and eventually we were that normal TV family where everyone was sitting around the kitchen table in the morning eating their eggs and drinking their juice before grabbing their packed lunches and heading out the door with a kiss. Theresa was a smart cookie too. She didn't hardly need any help with her studies and she even in that first week brought home a 100% math test. We went over to visit Lou and the boys every day and she would always find a way to talk a little with Jesse.

There wasn't much change in Lou that week either and it was tough to see her like that. We'd sing to her and she'd respond just a little and then retreat again. I tried talking and everything but nothing really changed anything. We began Chanukkah and it was really nice having Theresa there to celebrate with us but then it was sort of bittersweet too because she should have been just visiting or something and not living on our couch because her family was all torn apart by that stupid war.

We got into the next week and one evening we got a call. I answered and it was Jesse on the other end.

"Is everything okay, Jesse?" I asked and I probably should have figured out why he was calling but my mind went right to the thought that something was wrong with Emma or the boys or maybe Lou or even Sarah Jean.

"Sure, everything's fine here," he said, "Could I talk to Theresa?"

His voice cracked a little like it had when it was still changing. I understood then and smiled.

"Sure thing."

I called Theresa to the phone and handed it to her then went to sit on the couch with Joanie letting the poor kid have some privacy while they talked.

"One of her friends from school?" Joanie asked as I settled in next to her.

"Jesse," I replied.

"Oh," she said but in that sing songy way that women get when something is getting really interesting. "So Jesse and Theresa sitting in a tree, huh?"

"Something like that," I said.

A couple minutes later Theresa came out into the living room and sort of cleared her throat. We looked up at her.

"Um, Jesse asked me to a movie tomorrow night," she said like it took all her courage to even say a thing about it, "I know it's a school night but it's the last week before Christmas and we aren't doing anything anyway. I won't fall behind. Can I go?"

"Who's driving you?" I asked knowing Jesse didn't have his license yet. He wasn't quite sixteen.

"He's going to come over and we're going to take the bus together," she said playing with the hem of her shirt.

"As long as you're home by ten I don't see a problem," I said looking to Joanie to see if there was something I was forgetting to ask or say. She was just smiling and I knew she was all ready to get giggly and girly and plan on how they could do Theresa's hair the next day. I guess it was all on me and I couldn't think of a single objection.

"Is he still waiting on the phone?" I asked, "Because if he is he'd probably appreciate you getting back to him with an answer."

"Oh, yeah he is," Theresa replied and ran off to the kitchen.

"That is so cute," Joanie said when she was sure Theresa was out of earshot. "I was worried you'd tell her no."

"Jesse's a good kid," I said, "And besides they'll be in public the whole time."

"They'll be in the dark for a lot of the time," she reminded me and I panicked a little.

"Well, maybe it will be a really good movie and he won't be distracted from it."

"Oh James, you are funny sometimes," Joanie laughed, "It's not always boys who get distracted from the screen."

"This is the attitude I get from the woman who wanted me to kill Dan Shapiro because he kissed her seventeen—nearly eighteen—year old sister?"

"That was very different," she said and somehow I think she even believed it.

"Yeah the difference is that Theresa is thirteen years old," I said starting to think that maybe I shouldn't have said yes. And then the thought that maybe I should drive the two little lovebirds to this date of theirs.

"I can see what you're thinking," Joanie said narrowing her eyes at me, "Don't you dare."

"What am I thinking?" I asked and I knew that she did know but some reason I felt the need to challenge her.

"You're thinking about chaperoning their date. Admit it."

Yeah she had me there. And I was trying to think of a defense for what I was planning but she gave me that look and I knew there wasn't one. Theresa was safe on a date with Jesse. He was a good guy and was still a little nervous around her. I knew full well nothing bad would happen but the responsibility I felt for her was a little overpowering. It's one thing to be the dad for real and the worry is there but it's different. With Theresa it wasn't only a responsibility I had to her but also that Lou and Kid both trusted me to keep her safe. If anything happened to that girl it wouldn't even be a matter of Lou or Kid forgiving me, I'd never forgive myself. I just sighed my defeat as Theresa came bounding into the living room with a huge smile and came over and kissed my cheek.

"Thanks Uncle Jimmy," she said and as much as I had wanted to take back my permission, there was no way I could after that. I looked over at Joanie who seemed very amused. I was not but then it was hard not to be swept a little into Theresa's excitement.

Later that night Joanie and I were reading like we did every night in bed before we turned out the light. I set the alarm and we put our books down and Joanie kissed me before we turned our lamps off. Joanie rolled over and I curled around her draping my arm over her side and nuzzled my face into her hair. It suddenly hit me how we hadn't been together since Theresa had come to stay with us. There had been so much emotion at first and then, well it just didn't happen. But right then I was really needing it to. I took my hand that had been resting over her side and on her stomach and slid it up under her pajama top. She gasped and moaned a little and I thought things were taking off rather nicely when her hand clamped down onto mine.

"We can't do this right now, James."

"Joanie, it's been so long."

"I'm not saying I don't want to, because I do, but Theresa is sleeping in the living room and that's not that far outside our door," she whispered.

"She's sleeping," I said, "It's not like she's three and going to come knocking on the door to ask for a glass of water."

"James, we just can't do this," Joanie said and her voice betrayed how badly she wanted to do it.

"We can be real quiet," I said kissing her neck. That worked. It usually did. She was powerless against neck kisses. We managed being really quiet and I'll admit that it's slightly less satisfying when you're constantly conscious of making too much noise and listening for sounds from the next room but it worked for right then and we fell asleep each feeling a little less frustrated.

The next day was a normal as anything day and we all got home and had some supper. Well, Joanie and I ate because poor Theresa was too nervous to eat very much. I know as her father figure at the time I should have protested that her supper would ultimately consist of movie theatre popcorn and jujubes. But at least she might eventually eat something. Jesse got there early but then the movie was really kind of early too. It was Doctor Zhivago which had just come out that week and it was a really long movie. Eventually Joanie and I went to see it too. I was a real good movie but over three hours long.

Jesse looked nervous like he was meeting some girl's daddy instead of just me. It kind of bothered me that he felt maybe we didn't have the same bond we used to have once he started liking Theresa. I pulled him inside and leaned to speak softly to him.

"Did we stop being friends without you telling me?"

He looked so uncertain at me.

"Look," I said, "I don't want anyone taking liberties with her. She's got enough going on right now. I figure if I can trust anyone to treat her with respect it's you. And you're not ready for any of that business either, trust me you're not."

"I'm kind of nervous, Jimmy," he admitted softly, "I've never been on a date before and she's so pretty. I don't want to mess it up."

"That girl's eyes are twinkling just for you right now," I assured him, "I don't think you could mess this up."

He looked a little better but I knew he was still nervous and that was fine. A nervous boy wouldn't be writing checks neither of their bodies ought to be cashing just then.

"I'm still here for you to come to if you need advice," I said, "I'll even keep an open mind about most things. You're a good guy, you really are. You just remember that and you'll be just fine and so will she."

Theresa finally emerged and I thought Jesse's eyes were going to pop out of his head. Joanie had curled her hair and tied it with a ribbon and she was wearing a nice dress. I found out later there was an argument over makeup that Joanie had won. I had to agree and if it had been brought to me I would have vetoed the use of makeup too. She was only thirteen. Theresa's argument had been that she was a month away from fourteen but I really didn't care. She wasn't going to wear makeup at fourteen either if it was my call. And it was my call until Lou was feeling better and could make those decisions herself. She was a pretty girl and the boy was somewhere past smitten with her without the makeup. I know that it can make a difference but the lack of it didn't make her less pretty and might serve as a reminder that she was younger and still quite innocent.

Jesse managed to squeak out how pretty she looked and I think the makeup battle was forgotten. I could also see the influence Emma'd had when Jesse took Theresa's coat from me and helped her into it. I smiled and I did feel a little better about the evening. Don't get me wrong I had no visions of Jesse taking her anywhere but the movies and I knew he'd behave himself but it wasn't about the specific guy in this case. It was the fact that there was a guy and that Theresa was going to be with him. I can't explain it better than that but being the one responsible for a kid does a number on your logic and reason.

The two of them left and about as soon as I closed the door behind them the panic set in. I had made this call all on my own and I started thinking what if Lou would have wanted me to do something different. It wasn't her fault or Theresa's that Lou had shattered like she had and I just didn't know what to do right then. I started to reach for my coat when I heard Joanie behind me.

"Really James," she said though it was really more of a coo, "You'd rather spend your night making two poor kids feel more nervous and awkward than they already do than to be here with me?"

I almost answered wrong because sometimes there are right and wrong answers. Now I didn't stand to get the look for answering wrong but when I turned around there was my gorgeous wife standing naked in the living room with a twinkle in her eye. The right answer came to me pretty easy then.

"Of course not, Joanie," I said, "I can't think of any place I'd rather be than here with you."

"Good answer," she told me, "Because last night only made me need this more."

Well while Jesse and Theresa were watching one of the finest epic movies of all time, a grand and sweeping saga with romantic subplots, Joanie and I were experiencing a romantic epic of our own. Oh to be that young and in love again.

We finally wore ourselves out and Joanie turned in early. I couldn't sleep with Theresa still out in the cold winter night. I knew she was in good hands although I also was hoping he was keeping those hands to himself. Still I needed to see that she was home safe. It was a little before ten when I heard hushed voices outside the door. A minute or two later and the door opened and in walked Theresa though she looked a little more like she was floating.

"Did you have a good time?" I asked although I already sort of knew the answer.

"Oh Uncle Jimmy it was wonderful," she said and I swear there were actual stars in her eyes. Really, I couldn't make something like that up. I went out in the kitchen and poured her a glass of milk and sat down across the table from her to hear all about it. It was obvious the girl wasn't going to get any sleep any time soon and one night of being up a little later than normal was not going to kill her.

"He is so sweet and charming," she began and I got back up and got out a plate of cold cuts and a loaf of bread to set in front of her. She hadn't eaten supper after all and she absentmindedly began assembling a sandwich as she spoke. "He held every door for me. He held my hand but didn't try anything. He said he really likes me and he told me over and over how pretty I looked."

"Sounds like a perfect first date."

"Oh it was," she sighed, "He even kissed me goodnight."

"He what?"

"Don't flip out, Uncle Jimmy," she said, "It's not like that. It was just a very sweet kiss. I think he was really nervous about it and I know I was. My hands were real sweaty and everything but it was just right. It only lasted a moment. Is a moment too short to know you're in love?"

I wanted to tell her it most certainly was but then I remember the first time I met Joanie and I had to be honest.

"No, it's not. Just be careful, alright little girl?"

I finally got Theresa off of her cloud enough to get to sleep and then I fell into bed myself. We only had one more day of school that week and then it would be Christmas Eve. Theresa and I were both dragging a little from being up later than we were used to but we made it through. If I thought Fridays were slow well, they had nothing on the last day before a holiday break. It did allow me to get a phone call in to Joanie.

"I don't see why you're reacting like this James."

"He kissed her Joanie," I said like that suddenly made it clearer, "On a first date, he kissed her."

"You kissed me on our first date," she reminded me, "And kept me out until all hours on a rooftop besides."

"You were eighteen," I told her, "An adult. And besides, the last thing I want her mixed up with is someone like I was."

"You were never a cad with me, not once. Even our first kiss was tender and innocent, like theirs probably was. However you might have been with other girls, you were never like that to me. Jesse sees Theresa as something different too."

"Maybe," I grumbled.

I had barely gotten off the phone with Joanie when Emma called. The woman never called me at work.

"Jimmy I am at my wit's end with these boys. Threatening them with Santa isn't even working. Is there anything you can think of?"

"I'll come get them after school," I said, "Unless I can get Joanie to drive over and grab them earlier. I'll call her. A change of scenery might do them some good and you need a break to spend some time with Sarah Jean."

"Thank you Jimmy," she said and I could hear the relief in her voice. I could not imagine how hard it must have been. Sarah Jean was only seven or so months old and then she was dealing with two little guys so upset by the turmoil in their lives they couldn't even be bribed into good behavior with Santa Claus. I called Joanie to tell her. I know I should have called beforehand and one day I knew that was going to bite me in the butt but then she was in a real good mood and so was I and we was both worried for those boys and the rest of the family so I knew it was probably okay and it was. Joanie even said she'd order some pizza for supper so the boys could have something fun and we wouldn't have to deal too much with a meal. She even went over and picked them up right then so they could make some cookies together. It's not that being in a different place was going to make them take less energy or be any less the little pistols they had been but Joanie was younger and wasn't taking care of an infant too. I told her I needed to go see Lou on my way home.

"You'll be home to light candles, won't you?"

"Of course I will," I assured her, "You just make those boys save me some cookies."

"I'll do you one better and make them decorate some just for you."

I did go over to see Lou after work. Rachel let me in and just nodded down the hall. I could hear a man's voice in there and wondered what was going on until I recognized it. Al must have taken a break from the garage or else closed up early, it being the day before Christmas Eve and all. He wasn't talking to her and I could hear that Jimmie Davis record churning out that same old tune too. Al was crooning along with it. I peeked in the door and almost went back to the living room. I wasn't sure about intruding on this moment. As much as Al had been a father to us guys, it had never occurred to me that he had been the only father figure that poor Lou had as well. She had to have needed one as bad as the rest of us. Theresa was young enough that we all filled in as uncles and even her brother-in-law raised her up. Lou, though, she had no one but that man and I don't think it hit me until right then that she was his only daughter. What I saw when I peeked in the door was Al sitting on the bed with Lou cradled in his lap like a child. He was rocking her and singing softly that sweet song. For the rest of us it was just a song, just a bunch of words we had sung so many times we didn't even register their meaning but he was feeling every one of them.

"You are my sunshine, my only sunshine," he sang softly stroking her hair and rocking her gently, "You make me happy when skies are grey."

I never thought before that day what we might've meant to that man. He showed us love and God knows we needed him but I don't think I realized before that maybe he needed us too. Maybe he had always wanted children and fate only ever allowed him our crazy, mixed-up bunch.

"You'll never know dear how much I love you," his voice grew pleading as if willing her to understand the truth of the words, "Please don't take my sunshine away."

He sang the last as if begging her to come back to us. I hung back in the doorway and watched as her arms tightened around him and her face turned to his chest. She didn't speak and there was none of the hitching, uneven breathing that usually accompanies crying but her tears fell all the same. So did his. I had never seen Al cry. I had seen him emotional and I had seen sadness in him and a longing for people and times that were long gone but never had I seen him cry. I knew then he was just missing his little girl that much. I was still thinking I should head back into the living room and sit for a cup of coffee with Rachel when he spoke to me.

"You coming in, Jimmy?"

His voice was soft and ragged with his tears and emotion.

"I didn't want to intrude," I said stepping into the room.

"Family ain't an intrusion at a time like this. The more of it she has, hell the more of it we all have, the better. You ain't seeing nothing you ain't feeling too."

I nodded at the truth there then walked over and took Lou from him and set her back in her chair. Al stood up and blinked a few times drawing in a deep breath to collect himself.

"Well, I guess I'd better go check on the missus."

I just watched him go and then sat on the bed across from Lou and took her hands in mine.

"Hey beautiful," I said, "You know you really are too. I've always thought so. The first time I saw you I thought how beautiful your big dark eyes were and how your smile just lit your whole face. Of course Kid thought the same thing so I backed off. I think it worked out better that way. I was a real jerk to girls back then and Kid never had it in him to be like that."

I studied her for any sign of comprehension. There was none but I knew she was in there. I just knew it the way I knew Kid was still alive and fighting to get back to us.

"You always deserved a man like Kid and a father like Al and maybe a brother like me. God I hope I've been good at least at that. I try, Lou, I really do and I love you. You should know that. It's not like how Kid loves you but I love you all the same."

I paused and watched her motionless face for a moment.

"Do you know what tomorrow is, Lou?" I asked, "It's Christmas Eve. Your boys are so excited they are driving Emma to distraction. She couldn't even bribe them with Santa. Joanie's baking cookies with them now. I know they'll make some for you too."

I thought I saw a flicker of understanding in her eyes but it never made it to the rest of her face.

"I know you don't want to leave where you are," I said, "I know it feels good living inside where you can feel him the strongest. But I'm living out here and I can feel him too. He's out there Lou. He is. He's trying to come home and he knows we love him and he can feel that. You don't have to shut everything else out to feel him. We all need you to come back to us Lou. Those boys want nothing more for Christmas than their mama and I have no business raising a teenage girl. She went on her first date last night and I have no idea what I was thinking or if I did the right thing. We all love him and we all miss him and we all need to feel that he's still there. We can help and we can support you through this. God, Lou I know how bad this hurts. I do. He's my brother. He saved my life. Come back to us."

Whatever I had seen in her eyes was gone but she squeezed my hands tighter. I kissed her forehead and got up and headed for home where her children and her sister were baking cookies with my wife and getting ready to light the menorah.

It was a nice evening and the boys weren't too bad. Of course we all had more time and energy to spend with them. The next day was Christmas Eve and I loaded those boys into the car. I pulled up to Emma's and I saw her in the doorway with Sarah Jean on her hip. I looked at her door and then made a decision and headed next door to Al's. I was aware that Emma had handed Sarah Jean off to Jesse.

"Jimmy you are not taking those boys over there."

"It's the right thing to do Emma," I said, "I should have done it sooner."

I bent down and hoisted a boy on each of my hips and headed up the steps to Al's porch. Bobby was kind enough to ring the doorbell for me and Rachel answered. Her face lit when she saw those boys. They were about the cutest little guys ever and really they weren't bad kids. Normal boys with a built in partner in crime was all and they had the added bonus of being in a very upsetting situation. Rachel backed up and let me walk in. I headed down the hall and then stopped. These boys weren't prepared for what they'd see. I crouched down and still kept my arms around them.

"Do you know why I brought you here?"

They shook their heads.

"Your mama's here," I said, "She's not feeling so good so we have to be a little quiet but I know she'll want to see you. Do you still have that bag of cookies, Bobby?"

He held up the brown paper sack with the cookies they had decorated for her.

"Then let's go in," I said and took their hands and led them the rest of the way down the hall. We walked in and Lou was sitting in her seat with the record playing. She swayed back and forth a little in time to the music but made no other motion. The boys were torn. They wanted to run to their mama but then I think they were also afraid of what they were seeing. I crossed over to Lou.

"Good morning beautiful," I said trying to sound bright and cheery, "Happy Christmas Eve. I brought some special visitors today. They needed to see you and it's been far too long."

I looked up at the boys and waved for them to come to me where I was crouched next to the chair. Bobby walked over first and Jack followed his big brother.

"See Lou, I brought your babies to you." I turned to the boys. "Say hi to your mom, boys."

Bobby once again took the lead.

"Mama, look at the cookies we made," he said getting them out of the bag, "Aunt Joanie said they're pretty. Look, Mama, we made 'em just for you."

He looked at me helplessly, "Can I hug Mama, Uncle Jimmy?"

I nodded and he threw his arms around her, "I love you Mama."

Jack took his brother's lead as he did at nearly everything in his life and hugged Lou tight and then it happened. First I saw the tears fall and then I heard the hitching breath and then she moved her arms around her boys and hugged them back.

"Let me see those cookies you two made," she whispered. The boys were only too happy to oblige her and soon they were rattling on about everything from how pretty Emma's Christmas tree was to how smelly Sarah Jean's diapers were. I backed out and went to the living room.

"Is everything okay in there?" Rachel asked when she saw me and the tears I hadn't even been aware I was shedding.

"Oh it's just about perfect in there, Rachel," I told her, "I should've thought of that sooner. The only people on this earth she loves as much as Kid are those two little guys."

We sat and talked for a bit and it was decided more by Rachel than anyone else that the boys should still stay with Emma until Lou was feeling her full strength and of course I wasn't going to give up Theresa until I knew Lou was on her feet and living on her own again. I wasn't going to see anyone take that child's girlhood from her. The boys had a nice visit and were in a much better mood when I took them to Emma's. I reminded them Santa was making his trip that night so they'd better behave themselves and they promised.

I got home and told the girls about what had happened.

"That was a bold move, James," Joanie said with some pride in me.

"I'm kind of shocked it worked," I admitted.

We had a quiet Christmas Eve lighting candles and sitting and watching some TV. The next morning we rounded up our presents for heading over to Emma's. The mood was so much lighter though Theresa was in knots knowing that she'd see Jesse there. We got over to Emma's and Al and Rachel were there and so were Buck and Carol with their little ones. Ike and Annie were there with their little ones since they had spent Christmas Eve with their other families. Noah was there with Michael but not Rosemary. That struck me as strange since she couldn't have been on a march somewhere on Christmas day but it was good to see Noah and Michael was such a beautiful child everyone just fussed all over him. Billy and Sherry were in Midland spending the day with her parents. I looked around for Lou but she was nowhere to be seen. Al sidled up next to me.

"She said she wasn't feeling up to so many people just yet," he explained, "I told her we'd bring her some food and get the boys over there to see her after a while. It's still going to take some time, son."

We all set to opening presents and the general chaos that erupts when the kids know that Santa has come and once that mad scene died down we dug into some cinnamon rolls that Emma had made for us. I don't think anyone but me noticed her at first but I spotted her slipping in the front door. She was so thin and frail I wondered how she had made the walk all the way from next door. I went over to her while everyone else was occupied with eating those wonderful rolls and the kids were showing off their new toys.

"Merry Christmas, stranger," I said, "And welcome back."

She smiled and wrapped her arms around me.

"Merry Christmas yourself," she said, "And for the record you're a damned good big brother."

I quickly realized that the house had gone silent and everyone was looking at us and smiling. Timmy clapped his hands to get our attention and then he signed something. We all looked to Ike who looked about ready to laugh as he translated. I swear to God this is true.

"God bless us, everyone," he said.

* * *

><p><strong>Okay...I couldn't resist that last part...I mean how can we not see Tiny Tim in little Timmy McSwain? So yeah this chapter got all kinds of long on me and I really didn't mean for that to happen but I needed to get Lou out of her funk...a few writer pals were actually suggesting I put a lampshade on her head to make her more fun...I really needed to get through all of this and for you K, sweet young love...-J<strong>


	78. Chapter 78

Lou coming back to us meant some shifting around. She moved in with Emma once we all felt confident she was doing better. I know Rachel and Al never begrudged her being there but I also know they were still newlyweds and it had to've been nice to get their house back for themselves. Lou started working at the garage. It was a good situation. She could work the hours Jesse was in school and she could even have the boys with her sometimes. Al loved looking after Bobby and Jack.

Theresa stayed on with us. I know a part of her felt she should be with her sister so we took the decision right out of her hands. She'd dealt with too much already. And it wasn't just me and Joanie that made the call either. Lou was in on it too. By that time it had less to do with wanting her to be able to just be a kid than it did about her boyfriend living under the same roof. I know that if she moved in where her sister and nephews was then she would put too much into them and not enough into her studies or just being a teenage girl. But we couldn't forget that she and Jesse were dating and I mean by then they were really dating. They were together nearly every minute he wasn't working and she wasn't doing her homework. I worried for her, of course but it was cute. Don't get me wrong, I wasn't worried Jesse'd try something with her so much as I was worried she was getting too serious too young. But I guess that's a normal worry and sometimes they do get too serious and sometimes that's bad and sometimes it's not.

In the midst of all of this we had a wedding to plan for. Billy and Sherry were engaged after all. I'll tell you with everything we had going on that was sometimes so sad and worrisome, seeing those two together and happy almost made everything better. They were nearly as cute together as Theresa and Jesse and that took some doing. Well, Billy got into his head that they would get married on Valentine's Day but as it happened that year Valentine's was on a Monday so they settled for the twelfth which was the Saturday before and that worked out pretty well. Of course it was during school so they couldn't get away until her classes broke for the spring but I don't think either one of them cared a great deal about that at the time. They were together and when you're young like that not much else matters.

The wedding was huge but then so was Sherry's family. She had the one older sister and then it must have been at least five brothers and they weren't little guys either. I wondered how Billy got past them. The brothers were all in the wedding but he asked me to be his best man. I really was honored. Joanie was a bridesmaid because Sherry's sister was matron-of-honor. It was a nice wedding I guess. I told you once that guys don't really care. Hell to this day I can't remember the colors or anything. Wait, that's not true because there must have been some pink or something because I remember Joanie wearing a pink dress. Don't know about flowers or anything else. I remember Sherry beaming at Billy and him beaming just as bright and to me that's all that should matter anyway. He even got the band to play "The Way You Do the Things You Do" for their first dance. Now we did have to go up to Midland for this wedding since most of her family was there and all so that was different but it's a nice town and if you let go of the fact that it was mid-February and the roads were a nightmare it was almost a nice drive.

I think the only thing that was sweeter at the reception than Billy trying to grab every dance he could with his new wife was Jesse and Theresa dancing together. Yeah, they were in love whether any of the rest of us were ready for them to be or not.

"Were we that cute, I wonder," Joanie said as she rested her head on my chest while we swayed to some slow song or another.

"We weren't that young," I pointed out, "But I'm sure we were at least that cute, maybe even cuter."

"So why isn't Rosemary with Noah?" I asked, "Everyone else brought their kids. It's not like she had to stay home to watch Michael or anything."

"Oh she's not watching Michael," Joanie explained, "I don't even know where she is exactly. All I know is that Noah wasn't sure about coming up here alone with the baby and he was thinking about not coming at all and Uncle Saul volunteered. So he and Aunt Edna are watching Michael."

"Is something going on with them?" I asked as Noah was being dragged onto the dance floor by a woman I didn't recognize but he seemed to have eyes for her curves and bouncing curls.

"He won't talk to me about it," she said, "Maybe he would you."

"He looks like he's having a little bit of fun right now," I observed, "I'll ask him later when he's between dance partners."

Well, a few songs later and I had just that chance by the punch bowl. I wasn't really sure what to say but Noah led off the conversation anyway so that was nice.

"Joanie send you to check on me?"

"We're both a little concerned," I replied.

"It's over," he said with a finality that left me no question what was over.

"Did you try counseling?" I asked.

"Our priorities are different, Jimmy," he told me, "And she's been with other guys."

He shook his head sadly.

"I honestly thought she loved me but she just loved the idea of what marrying me did for her cause and not even the cause. It was how she looked to others in the cause. I usually consider myself smarter than that."

"We've all seen what we want to see where a woman is concerned," I said trying to make him feel better. It was true after all. I'm sure that goes the other way too. So often when we meet someone and we like them or fall in love with them we are seeing the things we want to see there and not what's really there.

"I know that's true but it's a huge mess now."

"How's Michael doing?" I asked and I guess that was just my job showing that the first question I had was how the kid was handling things.

"She was never around before so he doesn't even notice the difference," Noah told me and then dropped what at that time was quite a bombshell, "I'm going to be going for full custody of him. I just can't take the chance that she'll be as inattentive as she has been. And she just uses him too. Nothing like a little caramel-skinned baby with those dark curls for the cause. The whole firm is behind me and they're going to help me."

Now times are different now but it still takes an awful lot to get full custody of a child. At that time there was even less shared custody and I don't even think those shared arrangements went through the courts like they do now. It was just people who had a more amicable divorce and saw the reason of playing nice for the sake of their kids. Usually mothers just got custody and I think a lot of fathers still just moved on. It was changing because I think that was near to the time when a man's role in parenting kind of started changing but for a man to receive sole custody was nearly unheard of. He would have to prove the mother was unfit. I will say though that having the power of an entire law firm the caliber of Berger, Cohen and Shapiro behind you nearly guaranteed a win. I suppose that's one thing that hasn't changed through the years. If you have the right resources you can always win. I think at the time I still had some antiquated idea about a child needing his mother. Now I am not putting down mothers but why I would hold any ideas about a concrete right and wrong in custody was beyond me. My own mother hadn't been any better than the old man in the end and neither one of them was any good. Still Michael wasn't being abused or anything. I got what Noah was saying though. Michael deserved to have a parent who was invested in his care. I had seen Noah with Michael a lot and he was a good dad. No one on this earth loved that little boy more.

Eventually the party wound down and everyone including the happy couple headed for their homes or hotel rooms. Billy looked relieved to be heading out. He paused to talk to me a moment and barely got out two words before his bride sidled up to him.

"Will, dearest, aren't you coming with me?"

Her eyes sparkled as she batted her lashes. However bad of a time Noah was having, Billy was going to have a terrific night. That woman wanted her man and I'll say as a man, that's an enviable position to be in. Though I was in the same one that night. Joanie had gotten to do herself up and weddings put women in a romantic mood anyway. Pretty soon I was being dragged off too. Lou had a separate hotel room she was sharing with Theresa and the boys so it was just me and Joanie and I'll say I love the rest of my family but times when it was just me and Joanie were the best times of all.

It had been a long and stressful day with helping get those two hitched but it was a beautiful wedding and seeing how in love Billy and Sherry were made a few other things easier to take. I even saw Lou smiling and dancing. So even as tired as we were by the time we got into our hotel, Joanie and I were still plenty ready for some good alone time and we took full advantage of it too. There is nothing better than falling asleep with my Joanie naked in my arms and that's how I finally fell asleep that night. And it felt good to know that Billy was learning what that was like. He was falling asleep the same way, I'm sure, and he was letting it sink in that she would be in his arms forever. That's a good feeling right there.

The next day we got ourselves back to Detroit and our regular lives. The roads were pretty clear and we made good time home. Theresa had some homework to finish before school the next day and to be honest so did me and Joanie. I was seeing the light though. Joanie was still going to have another year of law school but I was nearly done. I only needed a master's degree after all. A law degree—and I didn't know this until Joanie told me—is actually a doctorate. You don't call them doctor or nothing but technically that's what it is so it's three years instead of two like my degree.

Monday we just went completely back to real life and it felt kind of empty to not be planning a wedding. I know I say I don't care about weddings and planning and I don't really but having something to think about other than Kid being gone and Lou and Theresa trying to get back on their feet. There wasn't any other distraction to be found once we got Billy and Sherry married off.

I guess we settled into things pretty good again. I would usually drive over to the garage after work to pick up Theresa and then head for home with her. We'd get supper started before Joanie got home and on nights I was lucky enough I actually got to eat before running off to class. Weekends I was at the library. I loved my girls but I had a lot of writing to do and being at the library had fewer distractions for me. One afternoon I went to get Theresa and when I didn't see her hanging around inside I went out back. I found her and Jesse too. Her back was against the wall and he was tight to her. I guess I knew they probably did a fair amount of kissing but I didn't want to think about it and I definitely never needed to see what I was seeing there. They were connected at the mouth for sure and his hands were roaming all over under her heavy coat.

"Jesse!" I yelled at him and he jumped away from her like he'd been burned. "Theresa get on inside with your sister. I'll deal with you later, young lady."

Oh I know I hauled out the 'young lady' and when I thought on it later I wondered who had actually said that. Once Theresa was inside I turned on Jesse and I felt bad too because the first thing he did was shrink against that wall and curl into a ball. I had to soften a little at that. He was so happy with Emma and Sam and little Sarah Jean that I sometimes forgot that he was used to a different life. Now with someone his own age he would have been ready to fight back but I was bigger and stronger and had been something of an authority to him. He really expected me to beat on him. Instead I just sat against the wall a few feet from him.

"I thought we talked about this once, Jesse," I said, "About not taking liberties."

"I swear to God, Jimmy I wouldn't ever hurt her," he said turning those big blue eyes of his toward me, "You got to believe me. I wouldn't do anything against her wishes. And it's cold out here besides."

"Spring's right around the corner," I pointed out, "I know you wouldn't hurt her on purpose but there's things you don't understand about how girls think."

I then proceeded to tell him how insecure some girls can be. I'd like to think that Theresa wasn't but she was going through a lot and had some serious issues with abandonment and specifically men. If she ever thought for even a second that he might dump her for not putting out, well, I knew where that would probably end up. I told him as much along with explaining that no matter how much we don't want to hurt a girl, the first time a girl has sex, it's going to hurt. It also carries an importance that guys don't always pin to it.

"I need you to take the responsibility in this to not push her and not try to get too far."

"I try not to," he replied, "But she's so pretty and her skin is so soft and…"

Those two put me in a tough spot I will say. Jesse was like a little brother to me and I cared a great deal for him but then Theresa was like a baby sister and I was the closest thing to a dad she had right about then. Trying to give advice and stay objective was hard. And hearing Jesse talk about her like that was even harder.

"She's a lot more than a pretty face and soft skin," I growled at him.

"I know that, Jimmy," he said, "She's kind and sweet and smart. And talented too. Her school is having tryouts for a play and I know she'll be the best. I'm trying to convince her to tryout. She did the scene for me and she's really good. I think she's better than most of the women on TV."

"She likes acting?" I didn't know this about her and she had been living at my place for three months.

"Yeah but she doesn't think she's good at it," he answered, "She is though, real good."

He looked down at the ground for a bit.

"I know she's more than the things that drive me crazy when I'm with her but the rest of it is hard to remember when she's near me and she smells so good and kissing her feels so good. I don't want to push her. I really don't. I don't want her to hate me and I don't want to mess things up for her either. I just don't know what to do."

"You might want to better acquaint yourself with Miss Michigan," I said and chuckled a little at the confused look I got from him. "What's our great state shaped like? The lower peninsula, I mean."

"A mitten," he replied.

I held up my hand.

"She's not much in the way of personality but she serves a purpose," I explained, "I spent a lot of time exclusively dating Miss Michigan here. Someday it'll be right whether it's with Theresa or someone else but until then I think you got two choices for your perfect match, the right or the left."

I think I have never seen a person blush harder but I know it was a talk better coming from me than from Sam. Brothers are the ones who are supposed to have those talks with you after all.

"All I'm trying to tell you is this," I went on, "You're older and you need to take control of this. Someday it might be right for the two of you and I'll try to be cool with that but it ain't right at this time. You know that and I know that and Theresa knows that. I need to know I can count on you to take care of her feelings. Can I do that?"

"Yes," he said earnestly and I think he really felt the weight of what I was asking him which made me feel better about things. "I won't let you down—or her."

Driving Theresa back home that day was quiet and I could tell she was seething mad at me.

"So Jesse tells me there's a play coming up at your school," I said trying to break the ice and talk about anything other than catching her making out with her boyfriend.

"So what if there is?" she sulked glaring out the window.

"Are you going to try out?"

"I don't know," she said trying to stay mad and yet the longing and insecurity crept in. She really wanted this but was just too scared to go after it.

"According to your boyfriend you've got a good shot at the part you want," I told her, "You're grades are good so I don't think Joanie or your sister or me would have any objections to you taking on an afterschool activity."

"He said that?"

"He did," I said, "We had quite a nice talk. I'm not against you seeing Jesse if that's what you were thinking. I like Jesse. He's a good kid. I just don't think you need to be moving so fast. So are you going to try for getting in this play?"

"I'm really scared, Uncle Jimmy."

Right there I knew we were okay again. She might've been angry before but she was back to being my little Theresa then.

"I think you'll do just fine," I assured her. We were quiet a while longer and then I felt I needed to say something else before we got home. "That boy really cares about you. He won't dump you for not putting out. You think about what really feels right and it's okay to put your foot down. He won't be angry. I know that. Have some faith in him, sweetie."

She didn't say much after that and I don't know if I was out of line telling her that or not but I thought it couldn't hurt. We rode the rest of the way in silence and had supper ready by the time Joanie walked in the door.

* * *

><p><strong>I know it has been two months since I updated this story...sorry...J&amp;J were still dealing with the emotions of getting Lou back and then I got the chapter half written and they've been in that hotel room in Midland for the last 2 wks! With the Do not disturb sign on the door...nothing else I could do. But here we are again. And yes, Miss Michigan is a term we use around here...not sure if men in other states use the term or not but we do around here...really, look at a map if you don't get it.-J<strong>


	79. Chapter 79

It came as no surprise but was a large point of sadness when Bubbe Goldman passed on. I was even sad. The old woman never did like me but I think I came to an understanding of how much that had to do with her love for her granddaughter. I was still shocked when Mr. Cohen asked me to pray with him. Of course she had never liked him any more than she liked me. I almost smiled at the thought of how she'd probably roll right over in her grave to know we were praying over her.

Still Gladys was really sad about losing her mother and we tried to be there for her. I think it shook up Joanie and Judy too. I sought out Judy one day to check up on her. She looked so sad.

"Hey short stuff," I said trying to urge a smile out of her, "How are you holding up?"

"Mom's a mess," she told me.

"I know your mom's a mess but your dad has got that under control," I acknowledged, "I asked how you were holding up. I've watched you flit between your mom and sister who have men doting on them as well and I haven't seen you take a moment for yourself or ask anyone to help you through this."

"I think I'm going to miss her something awful, Jimmy," she replied and the tears started to fall, "I know it probably doesn't make sense to you because she was always so mean to you but…"

"She was your grandmother," I finished and pulled her into a hug. I let her cry a while and then she pushed away from me.

"You're not half bad at this big brother thing, you know?"

"I do my best," I said offering a smile, "Now if I could just get on track with this husband thing. I feel like I'm mucking that up royal about now."

"You're a wonderful husband to her," Judy assured me, "Better than I could have hoped for her."

It wasn't the first time I thought that she too often sounded like the big sister with how she worried for her older sister but then it was just her nature to care for others and take charge when people needed looking after.

"She can't open up to you yet," Judy went on, "Or she thinks she can't. She knows how it was between you and Bubbe and I think she feels guilty…"

Her voice trailed away like she had said too much.

"She thinks marrying me killed her grandmother, doesn't she?" I asked.

"I think she does in a way," Judy replied, "On some level she knows that's wrong and almost laughable but I think it's hanging there anyway."

Well that put me in officially over my head. If Joanie was just some girl I was counseling I would be able to say something but being the man she thought she had chosen over her own grandmother, I didn't feel I could really do much. Luckily I saw someone who might be able to help.

"Can I talk to you for a second?" I asked sidling up to him.

"Of course, James," Uncle Eli said smiling at me, "Although to look at you I think you might need more than a second."

"Might need a whole minute," I conceded.

"I can spare a few of those. Come this way."

He led me to Mr. Cohen's study. I sat down and explained the problem. Getting past that Joanie might feel bad about being sad for the death of a woman who was mean to me at every turn but the other issue was something I felt completely overwhelmed at the idea of and it felt self serving to argue with her.

"I see your problem, James," Uncle Eli said and I could almost watch him turn it over in his head. "Will you allow me to have a talk with her?"

"Of course," I answered, "I'd appreciate it even."

A short while later Uncle Eli found me again.

"I think I was able to make her see sense," he told me putting a hand on my shoulder.

"How did you manage that?" I asked knowing how Joanie's mind could latch onto something like a starving dog with a scrap of meat.

"I reminded her that if her grandmother's constitution was that weak that seeing her darling Gladys all these years with Jacob would have done the poor woman in long before the two of you ever met."

Joanie was quiet all the way home and still once we got home. I could see wheels turning in her head and her figuring out how irrational she had been. It wasn't long before she said she was going to bed early. She was tired and I knew that wasn't a lie exactly but she was trying to get away from me all the same. There was no way I was going to let her get away with that. I knew her too well to think for even a moment that being alone right then was what she needed. I followed her.

"James, I really am tired," she said and I don't know if she thought I was trying to take advantage of Theresa being out studying with friends or what.

"I know you are," I said looking at her like I couldn't believe she'd think such a thing. I'm a man and I loved making love to my wife but there's a time and place and that wasn't it. "I just don't think you should be alone right now."

She was too tired to argue so when she climbed into bed I just climbed in too. I pulled her over to me and held her and stroked her hair and I could tell she tried to fight the tears for a while and it was probably back to her initial feelings of split loyalties. She loved her grandmother, even when the woman said nasty things to her or to me. She always felt pulled apart between the two of us. She wanted to stick up for me and herself but she didn't want to hurt the old woman. Now she wanted and needed to cry for her loss but felt that she might hurt me or look like she was taking the other side or something.

"You know it's funny," I said, "But I think I'm going to miss her too."

"No you're not."

"Yeah I think I am a little," I countered, "Only a little, mind you."

That was the final thing to make the dam burst. The tears started then and she cried against me for a while. Theresa got home somewhere while I was holding Joanie. I hadn't been at all worried about her finding us. She wasn't a stupid girl and she knew Joanie just lost someone she loved and seeing a man holding his wife while she cried wasn't anything shameful for a fourteen year old girl to see.

After a while Joanie cried herself out and fell asleep and I let sleep come and get me too. I woke the next morning with Joanie still tight in my arms, where she belonged.

We got up to the smell of food more than the alarm and wandered out to find that Theresa had started some French toast and sausage. She was a pretty terrific kid and I shot her a grateful smile when she handed me the Freep. Once Joanie was at the table, Theresa went over and hugged her tight before heading to get ready to dish our food. Any other morning and that kid did this and I'd be wondering what she wanted but this morning I knew she just wanted to help any way she could. That girl had a heart big as the U.P. and so often she felt so powerless to help the people around her, people she loved a great deal. This was something she could do and I understood that really well. We ate and Theresa went to finish getting ready. I told her I'd give her a ride. Once she was out of the room I looked over at Joanie. Theresa's gesture wasn't lost on her, I could see.

"She's a sweet girl to go to such trouble," Joanie said finally.

"She is at that," I agreed, "Do you have too bad of a day today?"

"No, just one class. I don't have to go to work and I don't think I'm going to either. I just really think spending the afternoon here maybe catching up on my soaps might be just what I need."

"I think you're probably right about that," I told her, "But if you need anything else, call my office or call Emma. Just call someone, okay?"

"You know you're a real bossy pants sometimes," she said and a smile turned up the corners of her mouth and her old playful spark almost made it fully into her eyes. She'd be fine. I mean I guess I knew she would. People lose grandparents and parents and somehow muddle along. I know things sometimes seemed to hit her harder and I know she had some conflicted feelings mucking up the works but she would be fine and that smile told me it would be sooner rather than later.

I thanked Theresa on the way to school.

"I just wanted to help Aunt Joanie somehow," she told me, "You both are so good to me."

"Because we love you," I explained, "You just do for the ones you love."

"Exactly," she said.

I just smiled. We teach the greatest lessons when we don't even realize it. It didn't occur to us to do anything else but bring the girl in and care for her—because we loved her. That morning nothing seemed more natural to Theresa than caring in her way for the people she loved. I pulled up to the school and she leaned over to give me a great big hug.

"I ain't complaining," I said, "But what was that for?"

"I love you, Uncle Jimmy. I was so sad and hurt and scared when we got here and you just made everything okay again. Well, not everything but most things."

I kissed her forehead and watched her run off to her friends. It's a weird age, the one she was at right then. One moment she could seem so all grown up, caring for us and cooking and things like that and the next she was just another in a sea of little girls giggling about how cute Paul McCartney was. I put the car in gear and headed toward work pondering that age so on the cusp of everything. I was still pondering when I walked into my office to find one of my regulars leaning on the wall next to the doorway.

"Come on in, Jerry," I said as I unlocked the office, "I'm going to step out to the main office and grab a cup of coffee. Care for one?"

He nodded and I'd been working with him since my first day at that school so I already knew how he took his coffee. I got back a little later and Jerry was still just standing there like he was still not sure about sitting. I knew he would though. I had a feeling he'd been outside my door since the school doors opened that morning and he wouldn't do that unless he was real sure he wanted or needed to talk about something pretty big. So I just handed him his coffee and sat down behind my desk to wait. Jerry wasn't much of a talker to most people but if you earned his trust and were patient with him and didn't interrupt too much then he would open up and sometimes getting him quiet again was the problem.

So we sat in silence for a while until he took the two steps to the chair in front of my desk and sat.

"I messed up bad this time, Jim," he told me.

"Now it can't be too bad or I'd've been called to see you at the police station."

"Tina's pregnant," he said and then looked down. We'd had talks about this and he had assured me he was being careful but careful isn't a sure thing so sometimes you still got a surprise.

"How is she?" I asked.

"I don't even know. Sometimes I think she's excited and sometimes I think she's mad and sometimes I can't even tell."

"Well then how are you doing?"

"I'm terrified but then I think maybe I wouldn't have the balls to ask her to marry me before and I don't have much choice now. I love her, you know."

I nodded. That much had become more clear in the previous six months or so.

"Did you ask her?"

"Not yet," he said, "I didn't know how. I want her to know that I would've asked her after we graduated anyway. I don't want her to think it was just about the baby though I do want to make an honest woman of her and it would kill me if that baby ain't born with my name."

"Tell her that," I said, "What you just told me sounds perfect. You tell her all that and I have a feeling she'll say yes and she might have an easier time sorting her feelings. She's probably awful scared."

He stood and offered his hand to me and I shook it.

"Thanks, Jim," he said, "You never let me down."

"Don't plan on it ever either," I told him honestly, "You need anything else between now and the end of school, come on in and talk to me. And you better let me know when that little one comes."

He assured me he would and then left and there I was seeing a young man and woman barely old enough to understand themselves about to marry and become parents. I thought of Theresa and hoped Jesse was still behaving himself. If I had to have that same conversation with the two of them I don't even know what I would do. I was starting to think those folks in the Middle Ages and before had something with those chastity belt contraptions. Or maybe if I could find a few dragons we could build a high tower for her or something.

The rest of the day really was dragging until I could get out and go pick up Theresa. I had to nearly laugh when I walked in for as often as I was under some car or another with Joanie sitting on the floor next to me talking to me about her day; it was like a flashback with Theresa sitting on the floor next to a car that I knew Jesse was underneath. I was grateful. After how my morning started out I'm not sure I could have kept my cool if I had gotten there to find them making out or something. I tried to remember that he was supposed to be like a brother to me for being one of Emma's kids and that it had always been my job to help him out but when it came to Theresa, well, sometimes it felt like she was the only way I could do anything for Kid. Besides, I really loved that girl and she had been ditched in one way or another by too many people and I felt an extra responsibility to her. She had dreams and things she wanted to do kind of like another woman I knew and a baby at fourteen didn't figure into any of them so she didn't need to be doing anything more that sitting and talking to her boyfriend while he worked.

"Hey Jimmy," I heard Lou call as she walked in wiping grease off her hands.

"How are you doing, Lou?"

"I'm feeling pretty good," she said and I caught the little bit of guilt in her voice.

"I've known him a hell of a lot longer than you have and there is no way he'd want you sitting all alone and miserable while he's gone."

"Do you still feel him?" she asked.

"Yeah I do," I replied, "I don't know how I know it's not just wishful thinking but somehow I know it's real. He's still out there trying to get back. He's stubborn and he'll do it too."

"I'm glad it's not just me. I was starting to feel a little crazy."

I nodded at her. I know it sounded crazy and like two people who just can't face facts but somehow I just knew and I'll never be able to tell you or anyone else how I did know but I did. He was alive and I just knew he was.

"Before I forget," Lou piped up, "Theresa said her friend Penny is having a sleepover Friday. I told her she could go. I thought you and your wife probably could use some teenager free time."

"I think we can at that," I said smiling. Another woman and I might have been embarrassed to admit that a night without Theresa was a night I could spend naked in bed with my wife but Lou wasn't any other woman.

I think I looked forward to that Friday night all week and it didn't disappoint. We hadn't even been married a full two years at that point and spending that many months having to worry about making too much noise most of the time because there was an impressionable teen in the next room was tough. I admit it was a good lesson for how it would be once we had kids but still. We didn't have kids and we kind of sometimes wanted to live like we didn't.

We all got some good news on Sunday at dinner at Emma's. Lou had a letter from the Army. She'd been fighting to get his checks sent to her which should have been a no brainer but it had taken all that time and cutting through miles of red tape before it got done. Finally they sent the letter that pay for Francis Joseph Cassidy, Jr. would go to his wife. Good Lord, I think somewhere in my mind I remembered that his name was Francis but it had been so long since I had heard it. Even teachers at school called him Kid from about the second grade on. The upshot of all of this though was that Lou was getting her own place that would be big enough for all of them and Theresa could have her own room and the boys could share and Theresa could move out of our place.

I wasn't sure how I felt about Theresa leaving. I knew it would be better for my marriage and that was important but I hated letting her go all the same. I knew I'd still see her a lot and I was always where she could go when she just needed to talk or needed some space from little boys.

Lou really was about moving forward. I don't mean she ever stopped believing he was alive and coming back to her and no matter how many men showed an interest she never returned it but she knew she needed to set an example for her sister and her sons and she owed it to Kid to still be her spunky self when he got back. I could see wheels turning but didn't know what she had up her sleeve for a while.

We got Lou moved and then Theresa moved in with her and pretty soon it was time for that play. I think it was some Tennessee Williams play; they were all the rage then. I don't recall which one but I honestly believe Theresa was the best one and I further believe that's not biased uncle talking either. We all went on the same night to go see the show and I had flowers delivered backstage to her but I think they were overshadowed by the ones Jesse sent. Before the show started Lou pulled me aside.

"Can I ask you something, Jimmy?"

I nodded and she went on.

"I'm thinking about going back to school, college, you know? I don't really know how to begin but you did it and isn't that what you do for a living now, help kids figure that out and stuff?"

It took a second for me to digest this but it shouldn't have come as any shock. I should have been bringing it up and encouraging her all along to do just this. More and more opportunities were opening for women every day and she was smart, maybe the smartest among our ragtag bunch from school.

"I'll do anything I can to help you," I said hugging her tight before heading into the school auditorium to see Theresa's big debut.

Eventually Lou settled on nursing school. She really was excited about it too and I was excited for her. None of us thought about college much as we was growing up. It wasn't like it was for Joanie where it wasn't a matter of if you would go to college but a matter of where and what you'd study.

Right about the time Lou was getting everything in order to start taking some classes over the summer; I was graduating with a Master's degree in Social Work. I know it's not being a doctor like Aaron was doing or a lawyer like Joanie or Noah but it's a damn sight more than I ever thought I would have accomplished. I wasn't going to make a big deal about it but Joanie's folks had other ideas and decided that they would get together with Emma and throw a big old party. We hadn't made a big deal out of the first degree I got since Joanie got hers at the same time and we were just about to get married so that was enough of a party at that time. I said this wasn't necessary but Mr. Cohen said he was proud of his son-in-law and that he wanted to let everyone know how proud he was and if he was honest, he wanted everyone to know how well Joanie had married. That's the first time I ever thought she had married well at all. Actually I still thought she could have done better but I always did and really always would. Not that I wasn't glad she had decided to slum it for the rest of her life but I know she could have done better.

It was a good party too. Gladys overdid it I think with the food but then I think it was nice for her to have something to distract. She was still dealing a great deal with losing her mother. We also got news that Annie was expecting. They didn't announce it at the party but they did let us know right around then. And it wasn't too long after that party that we welcomed little Julie Cross into our fold. Another little dark haired angel just like his other two.

So the summer was sort of eventful and we were all busy. It got close to Michael's first birthday and Noah decided it was high time to get him baptized. He apparently had some religious upbringing his aunt had instilled in him. He came over one day with the little tyke and we sat and shot the breeze for a bit. Finally he got to the real reason he had come.

"I wanted to ask you something and I don't even know how to ask but it's what I think would be best."

"Okay," I said kind of trying to lead him to explaining himself.

"Well, I need to get Michael baptized soon, I think," he began, "The thing is that you need godparents at a baptism. I've been giving it a lot of thought and I want you to know you were actually my first thought. I think you and Joanie would love him like I do."

I looked over at the little guy who had just pulled himself to standing using the edge of the coffee table and was starting to take a few tentative steps while never letting go of the table. Yeah, I loved that kid and probably darned near as much as his father did.

"For one thing I'm not sure how well it would go over if I told the minister that I wanted a Jewish couple to see to Michael's religious education should something happen to me," he went on, "But, and I hope to God that you won't be offended by this, I worry about Joanie and I know what stress can do to her and burying a friend and then having to take on something like that might be too much."

It didn't offend me at all. Hell as much as I wanted kids and knew she wanted them too I was terrified sometimes thinking how her nerves would be once she had that on her shoulders too. I told him as much.

"You know Emma watches him a lot and he's only a couple months younger than Sarah Jean. Do you think if I asked Emma and Sam to be Michael's godparents that they would agree?"

I smiled knowing how much Emma loved that little boy and how she had even remarked to me how empty her house was since Lou and the boys moved out.

"I think there's not many ideas that would make Emma happier and Sam wants Emma happy," I told him, "Sam's a good father too."

"He is," agreed Noah, "I watched how hard he worked to connect with Jesse."

So eventually Noah asked and of course Emma and Sam were overjoyed at the idea—not the idea that something might happen to Noah, mind you—but the idea that they were something more to that little boy.

The baptism itself went just fine and dandy. I don't know too much about them. In some ways it's almost like I was born into Judaism because the only religious education I ever had was for that so stuff like baptisms and such are just as foreign to me as a bris would be for my gentile friends. They might have heard of one and might even sort of know what it is but the knowledge is purely academic and they lack a true understanding.

After the baptism we all went to Emma and Sam's for a little party. Now I guess I should point out even though it sort of might go without saying, that Rosemary was there. She and Noah hadn't been under the same roof since sometime around the first of the year but only shortly before the baptism had he formally filed for divorce and he was fixing to petition for sole custody of Michael. But even as bad as things was between them she was invited and she came. She showed up for a lot more stuff once she found out he was seeking full custody.

It was a real nice day so the party spilled outside. Jesse and Theresa took it on themselves to take the little ones to the park. Well the older of the little ones that was. They didn't take Michael or Sarah Jean and of course not Julie either. I was sitting on the porch having a Stroh's with the guys when I heard the commotion. I guess right about now I'll turn you over to the words of my good buddy Bill Cody. He was there to see it all go down and I wasn't. But I sure the hell asked him about it later. I'll try to get all his words right. That man was one hell of a storyteller.

"I tell you, Jimmy," he began once I got him alone later and got the whole story out of him, "This wasn't anything I expected. I walked out into the backyard for a minute because I thought Sherry was there. It turned out she wasn't. The girls were all in Emma's sewing room. I think they enjoyed just being able to have some lemonade with other women and not be saddled with the kids too much. Anyway, I heard the screen on the back door close and turned around and there was Rosemary. I smiled at her and was about to walk past her and back into the house to find my wife. I know that's not what anyone would have expected from me but believe me you really won't expect or maybe even believe the rest of what I have to tell you. As I tried to walk past Rosemary she grabbed my arm and shot me that sad pouty look she gets sometimes. I know I use the pout on Sherry from time to time too but there's something off about how Rosemary does it, you know? So I look at her and I just stood there because she was holding onto my arm and then she smiled big and started talking all sugary too me. She was saying how I didn't need a little lab rat and that the two of us could change the world and how me being in the media I could shine a light on everything the equality movement was doing. She was going on about how everyone gave lip service to how they loved Michael but she was the only one working to make sure the world he lived in when he was grown was better than the one we have now. And then she was pressing up against me and, so help me, she was nibbling on my ear. I just stood there. I didn't want to push her because she might get hurt and she's a girl and all but I didn't want to encourage her either. I have a good woman and even if she is a lab rat, she's the sexiest damn lab rat I ever saw and I know where my bread is buttered. Rosemary was kissing my neck which is pretty unfair and hard to resist but I swear to you I was resisting and telling her she needed to leave and then I heard the back door slam shut. I could see Sherry out of the corner of my eye. I really thought my own marriage was over right about then. I should have more faith in my wife though because she's a smart woman. She saw what was happening and grabbed Rosemary. Rosemary swung at Sherry and that was it. I haven't heard Sherry cuss like that since Buck accidentally hit me that time. I know she can, she learned a lot from her brothers. Most of what she was saying, once you get past the four letter words that is, was how Rosemary should get out while the getting was still good. Rosemary didn't though and she slapped Sherry. I was about to step in because I don't care if you are a girl, you don't hit my wife. No one hits my wife. But Sherry was on it. She landed a right cross to Rosemary's jaw and Rosemary went down. She wasn't out though and was still screaming and yelling so Sherry piled on and kept hitting her until I pulled her off."

That was right about where I can pick this story up again. But before I do I will say I have rarely seen a look of pride and admiration on a man quite like the one on Bill Cody's face when he talked about Sherry pounding the tar out of Rosemary. I just have to put that in there because I still remember his chest puffing out while he talked. Anyway, this is where I can get back to telling the story. Like I said we heard a commotion and ran inside to see what was up. Rosemary was running through the house toward the front door holding her jaw with her lip and nose bleeding and I'm pretty sure she probably got a nice shiner too unless she had a big old steak to put on it.

It was an eventful day to be sure and it wouldn't be too much longer before I would have reason to believe every word from Billy's mouth that day. At the time I was really just glad the kids didn't see any of that. Michael and Sarah Jean were napping, the rest of the kids were at the park except for Julie who was dozing in her daddy's arms while we was sitting on the porch.

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><p><strong>heeheehee...Sherry punched the killer queen! I knew I loved that girl!-J<strong>


	80. Chapter 80

We somehow got over the big fight. I doubted at first that Cody had been as well behaved as he claimed but I heard later from Sherry that he hadn't lied. She found him trying his darnedest to stay away from Rosemary and had his hands up in the air making sure not to touch her. Good for him, really. He had a good woman and it was good he was mature enough to see that. I was proud of him really.

I got a call sometime shortly after Sherry made her little stand for what was hers. It was from the district office. It wasn't common really then to have social workers in schools full time. Now you won't hardly find a high school or junior high for that matter without a social worker on staff and then the elementary schools even share them. It's not that kids need 'em more now or anything but just I think we finally realized they needed them. Well, I was an actual social worker then. I had the degree and it was all official. I could still have been a counselor but I really wanted to work more directly with the kids who needed me the most. That call was the news I'd been waiting for. I was being given the chance to be a social worker in the building. I wasn't even changing offices but I was changing duties a little bit. I wasn't dealing anymore with setting schedules for the kids and helping them all fill out college applications. I could spend all my time with kids who just needed to talk and needed someone who understood how lonely it could be in those situations. I would have to sometimes have office hours at another school too but still it was nearly full time at the job I really envisioned myself doing since I declared my major. I was pretty excited about it and that lasted until I got to Sunday dinner and I could see poor Annie looked absolutely distraught. Ike was beside himself trying to comfort her but he looked as upset himself. I immediately worried about the baby she was carrying but they quickly assured me that nothing was wrong with that baby. That was good but still something was wrong. Emma's eyes were ringed in red too. Ike and Annie were too upset to explain anything but luckily Buck was sitting there and he filled me in. The guys was all getting their kids enrolled in school. Lisa and Bobby and Timmy was all five and ready to get into kindergarten. The school for the deaf was in Flint. It still is actually. I knew this of course but then for some reason it hadn't occurred to me until then that it meant that Ike and Annie would have to send their sweet little boy a couple hours drive away and he'd live there and they wouldn't see him hardly at all.

The tears and sadness made sense then. He was just a little guy and sending him away like that was more than I figured most parents could handle. But I had heard about another option. I went over to where Ike was trying to comfort Annie and I crouched in front of the chair she was sitting in.

"I think there might be another way to do this," I told her, "It's a school I heard about and I don't know quite enough about it yet but if you let me make a call or two tomorrow I can see about this other option. I think you might be able to keep your boy home and still get him the education he needs."

"Really?" Annie sniffed.

"Yeah, really," I said, "I can't tell you more than I know, which ain't much, but I just think there's another choice. How about you calm down a little and join us for dinner? It's probably not good for the baby to get so worked up."

She nodded and dried her eyes and Ike shot me a grateful look. I was hoping the place I had heard about was what they needed. I was really hoping I could help them. Hell, I'd miss seeing that kid at Sunday dinners.

So the next day I made a few phone calls and decided I had news that had to be delivered in person. I went over to Ike and Annie's house and was greeted by the dog and Timmy's smiling face followed close by Annie.

"Did you find something out?" she asked.

"I did," I said, "If you have a minute I can explain it all."

She nodded and stepped back to let me in and I sat down on the couch only to be climbed on by Karen. She was two and pretty adorable. I guess she had a mischievous streak about a mile wide too but I only saw her every once in a while so I only ever got the cute.

"There's a school here in Detroit," I began, "It's called a day school. That means that it's more like the schools the other kids are going to. But this school is for the deaf. The kids learn sign and lip reading and things like that but they go every day and come home in the afternoon like other kids. I wasn't sure enough yesterday but I talked to some people today. They're holding a spot for Timmy. There's no need to send your boy away, Annie. You're too good at teaching him. I'd hate for him to lose what you and Ike and even Karen here bring to his life. And he still gets the environment during the day where he's around other kids with the same challenges he has. It's the best of all worlds really. I need to call them back and let them know for sure if you're going to take the space. Or I could take you there and you could see it if you like. Some of the teachers are there setting up their rooms."

"I think I'd like that," she said.

I never had spent near enough time with Annie but I always knew she was a sweet gal. She looked at me so grateful right then. I don't think I've known many mothers more dedicated than she was. Too bad, the world could use more like her.

We loaded Timmy and Karen into the car and I drove her over to the Detroit Day School for the Deaf.

"Are you sure we can go in?" she asked seeing the still mostly dark hallways.

"I'm sure."

I led her to the office and explained to the lady there that Annie was thinking of sending little Timmy to their school and wanted to look around before deciding for sure. She was more than happy to lead us around and she crouched down a couple of times and talked right to Timmy in sign. He brightened right up. It turned out the kindergarten teacher was in getting her classroom ready and we got to talk to her. Miss Briggs was a pretty lady maybe thirty years old with a bright smile who spoke in a cheerful voice as she signed.

"What's your name?" she said and signed to him and watched as he spelled out his name.

"Hello Timmy," she went on and then signed her name. "What do you think about coming to school? Are your friends going to school?"

The two of them chatted a while as Annie and I looked around the classroom.

"I should have thought about this before but I guess I didn't want to think about a time when he wouldn't be with me all day."

"I think that's probably normal for good parents like you," I told her and I wasn't just humoring her. The compliment was genuine. "But you have to send him to some school. What do you think of this one?"

"They have a place for him, you said?"

"They do," I replied taking Karen from her, "You could go to the office now and get the paperwork done while I tell Miss Briggs and Timmy the good news. I think they're best friends already."

I'll tell you I was feeling pretty good about myself right then. It was nice to feel like a hero and I really did right about then. I have to admit that feeling like a hero might have been one of the reasons I went into the line of work I did. I loved being able to help people who had the same crap to live through I did. And even the ones who had other crap to deal with too. It didn't hurt that Joanie thought I was pretty darned cool for what I'd done too. And it wasn't that I really did a whole lot. A man doing the job I did and even trying to do it right would know what schools are in the area. I didn't always know all the details of every school but knowing what was basically out there was important.

I got to be a hero to Theresa too in those few weeks. She was terrified about going to high school. Poor thing had just had too many changes in a short time. I reminded her that she'd be going to Jesse's school and I was still no farther than a phone call. She settled down. That girl never had a thing to worry about anyway. Smart as a whip and determined as her sister, we never had to even nag her too much about her schoolwork.

As it often happens in life, when you're flying high life sends a torpedo to make sure you don't get too full of yourself. And I was about to get reminded of the lowdown creep I really was.

It was a lazy enough late summer's day. Joanie was at the office. There was some case they were preparing. Oh hell, it wasn't just some case; it was the custody case for Noah. Anyway, I was home alone and just reading or watching TV or maybe even both. Just laying on the couch in my jeans sipping a Stroh's and probably dozing off and on as well. There was a knock at the door and when I opened it I saw Rosemary standing there. I was torn at first about letting her in. She was my friend's soon to be ex-wife and all but I opened the door the rest of the way anyway and let her walk past me into the living room.

"James, you simply must help me," Rosemary begged, "I know I've lost Noah but I cannot lose Michael. I need someone on my side. I know the others are against me but someone who works with kids like you do would carry a lot of weight."

"Rosemary, I'm no lawyer," I reminded her, "I can't be much help against the entire firm."

"You could testify on my behalf," she said, "To take Michael from me they have to prove I'm unfit. Surely you could tell the court what a good mother I am."

"I haven't seen you with him enough in the year since he was born to form an opinion on that at all," I told her.

"You know when I'm away it's only because I'm fighting for a better life for him, don't you?"

"Doesn't change that he's more likely to call Emma 'mama' than you once he gets to talking good."

"Please," she said her lips pooching out as she stepped close to me, closer than I should have allowed. I should have ordered her out. I shouldn't have let her in the apartment in the first place.

I think that was the first time I really saw that pout for what it was and I felt disgusted with myself for every time I'd given in to it. Still I was falling for it once again. Everything in me screamed how wrong this was. She was a spiteful and manipulative woman and even if she wasn't, she still wasn't Joanie. All at once I understood the fear that gripped my girl when Rosemary had first entered our circle. Somehow she just knew that someday Rosemary would have a reason to turn her charms on me and she feared I wouldn't love her enough to resist.

Rosemary just got closer and closer and I leaned back as far as I could. I was right up against the back of the couch and nearly bent over backward. Her perfume filled my nose. It was intoxicating.

"Rosemary," I choked out, "You need to leave."

"But we're just getting to really know each other," she purred and I swear it really was a purr. Then her fingers trailed softly along my neck and I felt her lips along my jaw line. My head, the one on my shoulders anyway, told me I should push her away and order her out but men sometimes don't think with that head and right then I wasn't at all. From below my waist I was getting a very different message, one that said this would be fine, just fine. Well, no that's not what it said exactly I think it was something more about how good she smelled and a few things I wouldn't repeat in mixed company. The war between the two inner voices kept me from lifting my arms to touch her but then her lips covered mine and her hand groped at the front of my jeans.

The response to that was immediate and not just from below my waist. I opened my mouth against hers as my tongue roamed on its own. She grabbed my hands and placed one on her backside and the other on one of her breasts but the curves didn't feel right so I let my hands fall back to my side. I wish the rest of me was as smart as my hands. I was grinding my hips against hers and kissing her mouth and neck.

"James," she panted, "We could help each other out. I'm sure I can be much more accommodating than Miss Goody Two-Shoes."

I swear I wanted to break away from her at the mention of my wife and it would have made things easier if I had because Joanie walked in right then. There I was bent backwards against the back of the sofa by a woman who wasn't my wife. Her hand was creating a visible response and my tongue was in her mouth. My previously well behaved hands had taken residence in her dark hair holding her mouth to mine. No wife should ever see such a thing.

I didn't hear the door open but I heard her gasp and I heard it slam shut.

I pushed her away and headed for the door yelling, "If you're not gone when I come back, I'm calling the cops."

I think she knew about then that she could kiss my testimony goodbye. I guess that's not entirely true because I testified alright—for Noah. Told how she came on to me to get me to lie for her. I left out how close I came to taking her up on her offer. In the end Noah got full custody of Michael.

At the time though all I could think about was how I needed to find my Joanie and make sure she still was mine.

I ran out and didn't even take time to shut the door. I ran down the stairs and thankfully found Joanie leaning against the wall outside the door crying. Her face was buried in her hands so she didn't see me approach her.

"Joanie, honey," I said reaching for her. She noticed me real good right then.

"Don't you touch me," she screamed hitting my hand away, "Stay the hell away from me!"

"I'm sorry. I'm just so sorry."

"You got that right," she spat and then she did something even more out of character than use a word like 'hell', she hit me. She slapped me hard across the face. She was stronger than she looked but I think what hurt worst was knowing how much I deserved to get hit right then. I watched her storm off toward the 'Vette.

"Joanie, where are you going," I asked.

"None of your damned business!" she yelled, "You just go back and yentz your shiksa whore!"

My Yiddish was never that good but I understood all of that. Calling Rosemary a shiksa whore didn't bother me. It surprised me coming out of her mouth a little bit but it was accurate at any rate. But the word 'yentz' hurt as did her referring to Rosemary as mine. She wasn't my anything and I didn't want her to be. The only one I ever wanted to be mine was Joanie. And yentz was a word I was surprised Joanie even knew. It certainly was not a polite one for all of the Yiddish words for sex; it was one of the coarser and really meant cheating.

As much as I would love to blame Rosemary for the whole incident, I had so many chances to get her out and I didn't have to let her in at all. I kissed her back. I'd love to sit here and tell you that it would never have gone further that that but if Joanie hadn't walked in then, I don't know. I might've slept with Rosemary. It astounds me to this day that Billy resisted and I didn't. Sherry got herself a good man, Joanie not so much.

Joanie stalked off and I just stood there. What else was I going to do? I had no defense for what I'd done, what she'd seen.

Sweet Joanie with all of her insecurities and I had just confirmed all of them. I was supposed to comfort her when the world was mean or got to be too much for her. But I betrayed her. The gold band on my hand mocked me.

"I am my beloved's and my beloved is mine."

She said those words to me as she had placed that ring on my finger and I know at the time no words were truer. Leaning against the wall of our apartment building, I didn't know if I still was her beloved and I surely didn't know if she still wanted to be mine.

* * *

><p><strong>Okay...the Michigan School for the Deaf is really in Flint which is a couple hours north of Detroit. But there really is a Detroit Day School for the Deaf and it is one of the oldest day schools for the education of the deaf in the country. It is a public school and offers regular curriculum along with sign, lip reading and any other skills children with hearing impairments may need. Sadly it is closing because our giant douchebag of a governor doesn't seem to understand its importance. But it was there in 1966 and thank goodness because Timmy needs it. As for Jimmy...he better hope I don't get my hands on those Colts he's so fond of in the 19th century...not pleased with that idiot right now.-J<strong>


	81. Chapter 81

I don't even know how long I sat there just staring after her tail lights. How could I have messed up so badly? I couldn't even fathom that I could want anyone but Joanie. Really. I know that's the kind of thing guys say but really. I hadn't ever even thought Rosemary was all that pretty. Not next to my girl anyway. My girl. Like I could even hope for such a thing now. She had been my girl. She had trusted me with everything. She turned to me when she got scared, when people were mean. She set aside her lofty ideals of what it meant to be an independent woman and allowed herself to need me and once I had all that trust I just threw it in her face. I was worse than Stan really. He never hid what he was. I did. I lied. I didn't even deserve her anymore. Eventually I made my way back up to the apartment which was empty. Rosemary had gone. I was glad of it. I'm not usually one to wish anyone ill but if I got word right then that she had taken a tumble off the Ambassador Bridge I think it might've brought a smile to my face. I won't go as far as to say she was evil but she was self serving and didn't really concern herself with who she hurt. Those are things I should have already known. A woman willing to use and hurt her own husband and child for her ambitions is no one to be trifled with.

Hell I wasn't really mad at her. Well, I was but not nearly as mad as I was at myself. I let her in. I let her get her hands on me and worst of all, I responded to her. Joanie was right all along about Rosemary and what she would mean. If she had told me her fears I would have told her she had nothing to worry about but that would have been just one more lie.

I sat alone in the apartment all night and never even bothered to turn on a light. I thought once or twice about calling Joanie. I was pretty sure I knew where she was. She wouldn't go to Sherry's because Sherry and Billy were living together of course now that they was married. She wouldn't go to her folks yet because she would be too embarrassed. She'd be at her sister's place. I knew Judy's number as well and maybe better than I knew my own. She was like a sister to me too though I was pretty sure that was gone too. I couldn't ever seem to bring myself to pick the phone up to call though.

I didn't call anyone actually. How could I call any of my friends, the people who'd been like family and tell them what I'd done? It wasn't the first time, nor the last, that I wished Kid was there or at least was somewhere I could call him. He'd tell me what an idiot I was but then he always knew I was an idiot and he loved me anyway. I knew no matter how bad I messed up he always would. He'd tell it like it is but he'd still care and still be my brother. I couldn't face the rest of them.

I got up to get a beer and barked my shin but good on the end table not once but twice. I swear I knew where that thing was. Hell, it was probably Bubbe Goldman haunting me and making sure I knew she was right about me all along. I couldn't even consider sleeping in my bed alone so I just laid on the couch. I couldn't even bring myself to unfold it. There'd be too much room and I couldn't stand that. Besides the case of Stroh's I had opened when I got back up to the apartment was getting low so I wasn't real sure I could stand long enough to get the stupid thing unfolded anyway.

The next day was pretty much the same but I staggered my way to the corner to pick up more beer. It wasn't making me feel better really to drink like that but it was making me feel less and given that everything I felt was hurt that was an improvement of sorts.

The rest of the day I spent just staring at our wedding pictures and the Ketubah as it hung on the wall. Eventually the light faded and I was still sitting on the couch drinking yet another beer. Really that's all I did at all. I wondered how long before everyone was going to know what terrible thing I had done. I knew Joanie wasn't going to go out of her way to tell the guys but she was friends with Sherry and Carol and Lou too and she had to work with Noah sometimes so he would find out sooner or later too. The next day was Sunday and I knew we'd be missed at dinner. Joanie wouldn't show for fear that I'd be there and I wasn't going because I didn't want to have to make a grand announcement of what a lousy husband I was and how I had just ended my marriage in one stupid act.

I don't think I fell asleep so much as I passed out. I woke the next day sometime after noon. My head felt like lead. Yeah I know I had that coming. Between the amount of beer I had consumed which was much more than I typically did and what I had done to make my wife storm off, I deserved a lot and the headache and bruises on my shins didn't even begin to pay me back for how I had messed up. I knew about the time I headed to the kitchen for my first Stroh's of the day that Emma was going to be expecting me to pull up to her house and reach to get that platter down for her. I must have been right too because about a half hour after that the phone started ringing. I wanted to answer but then I didn't want to either. So I let it ring. It started again a few minutes later and when it stopped ringing for the second time I took it off the hook so I wouldn't have to be reminded of everyone I let down. Emma and Al put so much into me. To find out the kind of man I turned into despite their best efforts, well, it wasn't fair to them at all. And Jesse looked up to me and came to me with problems, Theresa too. How the hell was I supposed to help them, to be any good in their lives after what I had done?

I just kept drinking and I was good and wobbly by the time I heard the pounding on the door. I wasn't going to answer it but Sam started bellowing and even hollering that he'd bust the door down if I didn't. I figured he knew how to what with being a cop and all so I saved him the trouble. There he stood with Emma right next to him. She'd been crying. I could tell. Sam looked about ready to kick my ass for worrying her but she patted him on the arm and he excused himself saying he'd be waiting in the car. Emma pushed past me without waiting for an invitation inside. I closed the door behind her.

"Do you have any idea how worried we all have been about you, Jimmy?" she near to yelled at me, "I was expecting you and Joanie and neither of you shows and no phone call and you won't even pick up the phone? I half thought to start calling hospitals!"

I just looked at my feet.

"Where's Joanie?" Emma asked looking around quickly and starting to look panicked.

"I don't know for sure but if I had to guess I'd say at her sister's."

"What on earth is she doing at Judy's?"

I collapsed into a chair and told her the whole story. I might've even cried. She sat there with her jaw set and then came over to me and put her arms around me and kissed the top of my head.

"I'm disappointed in you, Jimmy," she said, "But you still should have called at the very least. And you had better be there next week no matter how this plays out. I mean it now."

"Yes ma'am," I said, or I thought I did but the look on her face and I think I might've said 'mom' instead.

"I love you, you know that?" she asked me and I just nodded.

I watched her get nearly to the door and I stopped her and pulled her into a hug. She hugged me back so tight I thought she might crack my ribs.

"I love you too, Emma," I whispered, "Thanks."

She was gone then and I was alone once more. I suppose I could have gone with her and eaten a plate of leftovers and maybe even had the guys to commiserate with but it still didn't really feel right being around other people. And as good as it felt when she told me she loved me and when she hugged me, I still felt a little like I didn't deserve such things. Joanie was somewhere, probably Judy's and she wasn't feeling good so I guessed I shouldn't feel good either. Especially since it was me that made her feel bad in the first place.

I put away another case of Stroh's and passed out on the couch again. Pounding on the door the next morning woke me up and made the pounding in my head even worse. I wasn't even awake enough to think how I didn't want visitors so I shuffled my way to the door and opened it to see Judy standing there with her nostrils flaring like a bull about to gore a matador to death. I stepped aside real quick but apparently not quick enough because I felt the sting before I even noticed her hand had come up. Damn, she hit harder than her sister even.

"Nice," she said dryly appraising both me and the state of the apartment, "Is this a private pity party or can anyone join?"

I had to look away from her glare. I deserved it and I knew it but I couldn't look at it. I had no right to feel sorry for myself and I knew that too.

"Don't even try to tell me you didn't know where she'd go," Judy went on, "She's been sitting there crying all this time. She won't admit it but she's waiting for you to call. She looks so hopeful every time the damned phone rings and it's never you! I almost didn't come here either. You made this mess and I've been cleaning it for you and I even have to clean this part too. Do you even think of anyone else at all?"

She didn't give me time to even think about an answer before speaking again.

"You know it's not just her or you that you hurt, right?" she went on ranting, "I just got used to having a big brother and you have to go and try to throw it all away. What is this going to do to Mom and Dad if they have to find out? They don't, you know. You could fix this. She still loves you and obviously you'd be taking better care of yourself if you didn't love her and wanted her gone."

"Judy," I said finally finding my voice a little, "You don't understand. I can't fix this."

"Did you sleep with her?"

"No."

"Had you kissed her before that day?"

"No," I said thinking how like her father and sister she was. It astounded me that she wasn't interested in the law.

"Did you want to kiss her?"

"No," I repeated one more time, "Rosemary isn't even that pretty and she's a terrible person. I know all that but she was on me and, and…"

I couldn't even finish the sentence. I knew Judy was no stupid girl and I had my suspicions that she wasn't even all that innocent anymore after her first year at school but still I couldn't bring myself to say what Rosemary had been doing to me.

"I know what she did," Judy said, "You're just a guy after all. You couldn't entirely help the response. I'm still furious with you and you have some major groveling to do but I don't think all is lost. It better not be and you'd better be willing to fight for any chance to save it!"

"You think there's a chance?" I asked desperately.

"Not the way you look or smell right now," she said wrinkling her nose, "Get in the bathroom now. Shower, shave and brush your teeth. I'll lay out some clothes and clean this mess. Did you buy out the whole stinking liquor store?"

I didn't even answer her because I'm pretty sure she wasn't really asking anyway. I went into the bathroom and got a look at myself. I was a wreck and I had been just throwing myself a pity party. I was scruffy and needed a shave and my hair was greasy and given that I hadn't eaten or had anything to drink but beer for days I was sure I smelled even worse than I normally would for skipping a few showers. I hadn't changed clothes in all that time either. If there was anything left to fight for or any hope of winning Joanie back it wasn't going to happen with me looking like I did right then. I stripped down and stepped into a hot shower and scrubbed hard. I was dirty, yes but I also felt for a bit like maybe I could wash away what I'd done. I couldn't and I figured that out before I rubbed all my skin away. I did feel a little better for soap and shampoo and water though. I got out of the tub and toweled off then wiped the fog off the mirror and set to getting rid of the stubble that at some times in my life and on some men was considered sexy. I wasn't one of those men and that wasn't one of those times. Then I brushed my teeth and even swished some Listerine around my mouth and dared to look at myself. It wasn't too bad. I wrapped the towel back around my waist and headed to my room.

Judy was just putting the last few things on my bed for me to wear. It was a little awkward to be standing there in nothing but a towel. I don't think as much for her but she was too pragmatic for something like that to bother her much anyway. She smiled at me though.

"Well, that's a start anyway," she said patting my cheek, "Hurry and get dressed and come on out."

I started getting dressed thinking that if I had any standing left at all as a big brother to Judy that I'd have to have a little talk with her. Whatever our relationship had been ever, she shouldn't have been that comfortable being faced with a man in nothing but a towel. That was my thought at the time anyway. I've mellowed a damn sight since then but then we've all lived a lot since then and she was still just a kid in my eyes. She was always younger than me but right then I was still adjusting to the fact that younger than me didn't still mean a baby. I still felt pretty young myself and someone younger than me must be too young to make those kinds of decisions. I mean I did get okay with the thought of her kissing someone but being that okay with a man in a towel and in a bedroom no less meant that she'd most likely been doing a whole lot more than kissing. I just needed to check up on her.

I was a little surprised at the clothes Judy laid out for me. For starters I thought she would want me to be more dressy but she pulled out a pair of jeans. They were one of my better pairs but still people didn't wear jeans the same way as now back then. Most schools wouldn't allow students to wear jeans to class even. What she laid out was really more like what I used to wear when Joanie and I first met. Of course I started to figure out that maybe that was the point after all. Judy knew her sister like few others did. I came out of the bedroom and really looked at the place. Judy had cleaned it up nice and I knew it was because she anticipated me bringing my girl home. I thought she had a lot of confidence in a man who didn't merit such a thing but then she was as smart as her sister so maybe I should just go with whatever she said. Judy stood there holding my old leather jacket. I hardly wore the thing anymore but I had kept it because Joanie liked it. I guess I knew Joanie had some feelings for James Dean and that jacket was the closest I was going to come to being him.

"Come on," Judy said as I slipped the jacket on. I followed dutifully to her car.

"How am I going to get back home?" I asked.

"I guess you'd better be prepared to fight for her," she said unsympathetically, "Because either the two of you are taking the 'Vette back or you're walking."

I cringed. Ann Arbor wasn't far by car but on foot it wouldn't be good which would leave me calling someone for a ride. I knew I had to really be on my game.

I was quiet for a while in the car but I knew I wasn't going to be able to do this without some help.

"I know you have a plan," I said, "Please, Judy, I need all the help I can get. What can I even say to her? I tried apologizing already."

"You tried apologizing right then," she clarified, "She was humiliated Jimmy. She was hurt and she was scared. Your sorries didn't mean much then. Try again but make sure she knows what you're sorry for. If you're sorry for what you did it means more than if you're just sorry you got caught."

I didn't talk a lot after that just thinking but as we got closer Judy had some more to tell me.

"I trusted you," she said and I thought she might cry, "I have watched boys hurt her one way or another for years. I trusted you with my sister. I don't have anything more precious in the world to me than her. You promised me you would take care of her."

"I am so sorry I let you down, Short Stuff," I said daring to use the nickname I'd given her what seemed a lifetime ago. "I don't have a defense. I screwed up. I let everyone down. I thought I was better than that. If I can get your sister to give me another chance I will be better than that."

"You know the worst part of this whole thing?" she asked me biting her lip to try to hold back the tears. "When she's this upset or when anything goes wrong I usually call you. I couldn't do that this time. I came to rely on you so much. We all do."

Judy blinked a few times and cleared her throat.

"You better fix this," she said sternly, "I don't want to lose my big brother."

"Well I can't even think about losing my wife," I said resolutely and I think either the beer was finally wearing off or something because I was gaining some confidence and I was surely determined. The only thing I could think of was that I maybe had a chance to bring my girl home and fall asleep holding her tight to me that night and there was nothing in the world I wanted more than that. Hell even now I can't think of anything I'd rather have.

Judy pulled into the parking lot and came to a stop. I didn't think it was possible for my heart to beat faster but it did right then. Judy seemed to think there was still a chance but what if there wasn't or worse yet, what if there was but I messed it up like I did everything else. At least Judy was there. Maybe she'd help.

"Go on, now," she said looking at me impatiently, "I'm going shopping with Aunt Naomi. The door's open."

I slowly got out of Judy's car. I didn't want to get out. I didn't want to go up there all alone. I know that's childish but I was scared half to death. I heard Judy get out of the car and come over to me.

"At the rate you're walking you won't be at the front door of the building before I get back."

"I'm scared, Jude," I said, "Left to my own devices I screwed up royally."

"You did this time but left to your own devices in the past you won her heart. You always know what to say to her. Go say it."

And she rose on her toes and kissed my cheek before getting back into her car and heading off to her day of shopping with Aunt Naomi. I stood there stock still for a moment or two and then began walking toward what could either be the greatest reward of my life or my ultimate doom. I trudged up the stairs to the second floor with my heart in my throat and my heart being lodged there was probably the only thing keeping me from losing whatever of the beer I'd drunk that might still be left in my stomach from coming up on the steps. If I failed…if I failed I literally had nothing. If I couldn't win her back I would lose the one person who ever believed in me. Anything I had, it seemed, I owed to her. I just couldn't lose but then I knew how easily I could mess this up. I might've mentioned that guys don't always say the right thing. This story makes it sound like I always do but that's just 'cause those are the parts I'd rather tell. I don't need everyone knowing how many times my foot was pretty well lodged in my mouth.

Before I knew it I was standing in front of the apartment door. I think I probably stood there a good fifteen minutes analyzing every detail of the numbers there. It was apartment 2B and there was a bit of paint missing from the top of the B. The 2 was a little tilted too. Damn, I knew I was just being a coward so finally I took a big breath and reached for the doorknob.

* * *

><p><strong>No one here wants to know how close Jimmy came to a drunken "accident". Honestly thought occured to me during his pity party that he's on the 3rd floor and a little shove and he'd break his neck for sure...cops would smell the beer on him...but I was good. I guess next chapter we'll see how good he is.-J<strong>


	82. Chapter 82

It took every ounce of courage I had to turn that doorknob and I half hoped that Judy had forgotten that she had locked the door or that Joanie had gotten scared and locked it herself but she hadn't. The knob turned and the door opened. If I live to be a thousand I will never forget what I saw when I opened the door. Joanie's face was swollen to near unrecognizable from crying. It was splotchy and red and her knees were pulled tight to her chest. She wasn't crying right then but I knew the tears were right at the edge of falling anyway.

"Hi Joanie," I said and I know I was talking real soft and I think I almost wanted her to not hear me but she did. She didn't say anything, just hugged her knees tighter to her with one hand while the other one reached for the star hanging around her neck. I felt kind of encouraged that she was still wearing the star and that I could still see the glint of the diamond on her left hand.

What wasn't encouraging was how hard she started crying when she heard my voice. I had broken her heart. I vowed to myself right then and there that if I could get her to give me another shot I would never again be the cause of her pain. I'd do better. I'd take better care of her. I'd love her more and show it more and never let her feel like this again. I dared to walk over to the couch and sit down next to her.

"I'm an idiot, Joanie," I said, "I've got no excuse. I let something happen I shouldn't have. I let her in even knowing what she was, what she had tried with Billy. I am so sorry I even let myself in that situation."

"Do you love her?" she barely whispered.

"No, Joanie, I love you," I insisted, "Just you. It's always been you."

"Was she at least good?"

There was the bitterness.

"I didn't sleep with her. I swear to you I didn't. She felt all wrong."

"What was she even doing in our home, James?" she pleaded with me.

"She wanted me to help her with the custody of Michael," I told her, "She thought she could get my testimony by coming on to me. It wasn't going to work and it surely won't now."

"If I didn't come home when I did," Joanie began and I cut her off.

"Please don't do this," I nearly begged because it's not a question I wanted posed. It was a question I was afraid of—still am.

"Don't do what, James?" she said starting to get angry though I guess for that she was probably already angry. "Don't ask you what you're ashamed to answer? Don't ask the question that will break my heart? Why not? You didn't look like you were thinking about my heart when I walked in."

I had no idea how to answer but she sure did.

"I think I am building a life with a good man who loves me," she went on and she was yelling real good by then, "I think that someday we will have children. I think that we have proven Bubbe wrong even if she would take her bad thoughts of you to her grave. I think that and then I walk into my own home—the home that is supposed to be our home, James—and I find you in the arms of that Chaleria! If I did not walk in right then…Six years I have been with you and what do I have? Drek mit Leber!"

"No Joanie!" I said desperate to convince her there was something worth saving, "That's not true. You have a man who loves you even if he is stupid and hurt you like no one should ever be hurt. I owe you everything. I know it looked like I wanted to throw it away but I don't. I only want you. For the rest of my life I only want you."

"You can't only want me with your tongue in someone else's mouth!"

"Joanie, I am sorry," I said, "I really am."

"Es iz tsu shpet," she replied sadly and turned her back to me. That was like being punched in the gut. I think maybe she even wanted to mean it and that hurt worse but then something didn't ring true in those words. They weren't true and she didn't mean them.

"I refuse to believe that," I told her, "It isn't too late until we don't still love each other."

"It's not enough."

"It has to be."

"Well it's not!"

I thought for a second about how to counter this before we dissolved into some childish back and forth exchange. Then I spotted it. I stepped closer knowing that I was now in hitting range but I had to chance it. I took her left hand in mine gently and held it up.

"If it's too late then why haven't you taken this off?" I asked softly running my thumb over the set of rings on her ring finger, "If loving me and knowing I still love you isn't enough then why not take it off?"

I held her hand up to my lips and kissed it. I couldn't help the tears that flowed and I didn't even try. They ran down my face and onto her hand.

"I know I messed up worse than even I could imagine I could," I said through the tears, "I know I hurt you and I know I made you think that every bad thing you ever heard or thought about yourself is true. I know I don't deserve you. I know I don't deserve another chance. I don't. I'm a terrible husband. But I love you. I love you more than my own life, Joanie. I do. I'm a mess without you."

I was so engrossed in what I was saying to her that I didn't even notice that her hand had tightened around mine. When I finished talking I just looked at her. I was helpless. Without her I was pretty much hopeless as well. She looked at me and I could see that her tears had renewed. She took a step toward me and I took the chance to pull her into a hug. Nothing else ever felt so right as having Joanie in my arms and for a while I was truly scared I'd never be able to again. But there she was, tight to me. I kissed her head and nuzzled into that mess of curls which was more of a mess than usual.

"You know I'm still mad at you, right?" she said half muffled into my shirt.

"Yeah I do and I know I deserve it."

"Yes you do," she agreed, "If you ever do anything like that again…"

"I know this is the only strike I get and it's one more than you ought to give me."

"Can we go home now?"

I think right then I probably squeezed her tight enough to make it hard to breathe and then we left Judy's place and headed down to the 'Vette. Joanie handed me the keys. As bad of shape as I was in, she was in worse and driving was a bad idea for her. I got us home safe and went to the kitchen looking for something I could whip up fast for supper. It ended up just being soup and sandwiches but that seemed to suit us just fine. I don't think either of us was all that hungry even though I know I hadn't actually eaten in a couple days and I was sure she hadn't either.

We didn't talk much and it was driving me crazy that there was so much between us. I was afraid to talk I think since she wasn't yelling or crying or running back to her sister's. I knew if I opened my mouth my string of saying anything close to the right thing would probably come to an end and she'd be upset with me again and run off and I might not get her back. I don't know exactly why she was being quiet. Maybe it was the same reason. She knew if she got me talking I'd be a jerk and she didn't want that anymore than I did. Which is sweet if it's true. More likely knowing her she was just afraid if she said anything she'd start crying again.

After a while of sitting in near silence she got up.

"I'm going to bed," she said softly.

"Yeah, sleep sounds good," I told her getting up too but she turned to me and I thought at that time I had seen all her looks but I guess I hadn't because I couldn't remotely place the one she had then.

"I don't want you to. I think it would be best if you slept on the couch tonight. I need some time alone."

I wanted to protest. I wanted to tell her that she had been alone enough, that we both had. But I was lucky she was even in the apartment. I was lucky she'd come home at all and if she wanted me on the couch instead of our bed then I would sleep on the couch. I nodded sadly and headed toward the closet where we kept sheets and blankets so I could make up my bed for the night.

I heard her brushing her teeth as I was putting a sheet on the fold out mattress. I wasn't sure if it was right but she was still washing her face and putting on her night cream when I got done making my bed so I went in to brush my own teeth alongside her. I finished what I was doing about the same time she finished what she was.

"Joanie," I said as she was about to leave the bathroom, "Would you at least kiss me goodnight?"

I felt bold asking but she was my wife after all and if you can't at least ask for a goodnight kiss from your wife I don't know who you can ask it of. She walked over and rose onto her toes and kissed me lightly but it was a kiss and it was on the lips. I caught her as she turned to leave and pulled her to me. I think she thought about resisting being held for a bit but then gave in and rested her head against my chest.

"I deserve all the punishment you can dole out," I began, "But exactly how long will I be punished for?"

"This isn't about punishing you, James. It is about me feeling okay about things. It's about me looking at you and not seeing her, not feeling that hurt and that humiliation. I don't know how long that will be. It will come. If I didn't believe that I would still be at Judy's."

"I love you," I told her and I didn't mean for it to sound like such a plea for mercy but it did anyway.

"I know you do," she said, "And I love you too. I do. I just need some space from you still."

She rested her hand on my chest and I think it was a signal to let her go which I did reluctantly but then she let her hand linger there a little longer. At least I knew there was still some desire there. She still needed to touch me and still wanted me in some respect. She closed the bedroom door behind her as I made my way to the couch barking my shin yet again on the end table that I swore was about to end up in a dumpster somewhere pretty soon. I didn't sleep sound but I slept for a while.

When I woke up a couple hours later I needed water and the bathroom. A steady diet of beer isn't all that great for you and that amount of time consuming nothing but put me off the stuff entirely for a few months. I first made my way to the kitchen and got a glass of water and downed that and then went to the bathroom to relieve myself. As I made my way back to the couch I had to pass right by the bedroom. The door was closed but with no other sound in the apartment I could hear her crying real clear. She might not want me to sleep next to her but I decided I'd be damned if I let her cry alone when I was right there. I opened the door slowly and walked in. I sat down on the bed.

"Go away," she sniffed.

"I would if I thought that was what you really wanted."

"You hurt me."

"I know I did, Joanie. I'll never be able to tell you how sorry I am for that."

"I trusted you. You said you wouldn't hurt me. You said you'd never let anyone hurt me."

"I know I did and I never ever wanted to hurt you," I said petting her hair and smoothing it away from her face. "If you can give me a chance I will prove every day of the rest of my life how sorry I am and how much I love you. A woman like you should never hurt a day in her life. I'm terrible at this love thing. I told you that but I'll be better. I promise."

She just dissolved further into tears.

"Do you still want me to go away?"

"Hold me."

I thought of asking if she was sure but I stopped myself and just pulled her close and held her tight. My girl in my arms and that was all I ever wanted really. Eventually we both fell asleep and woke the next morning with me still holding her and her cuddled into me. I woke first and I'm glad I did because it gave me some extra time to just enjoy holding my girl. Once she woke up she pushed me away and got out of bed to get ready.

I don't think she said three words to me while she got ready and made herself some toast. She started to walk out of the apartment to go to the firm but then stopped halfway to the door and turned back to me. I could see the debate going on inside her and wasn't sure if I'd help things or hurt them if I spoke so I stayed quiet while she worked the gold star over with her fingers. Finally she made her choice and walked back to me. Her arms snaked around my neck and she rose up to kiss me. It was a simple kiss but still it was a kiss.

"I love you, beautiful," I said when she pulled back from me and I saw the blush rise to her cheeks at the compliment.

"I love you too," she whispered and then turned and left for work. I missed her immediately and I don't care at all how corny that sounded because I did. That woman was my whole life and the root of anything good I had. So yeah, sometimes I just missed her when she wasn't around and at a time like that where I felt things wasn't so strong between us, I missed her all the more.

I've said before but it bears repeating, there's things in life a man ought to be ashamed of and things in life I am ashamed of—kissing Rosemary is pretty high on that list—but loving someone ain't one of those things and I loved Joanie.

I decided to make use of the time I had that day to make sure my office was all ready for me to get to work the following week when classes started up at school. There wasn't much to do really and it didn't take long. I knew Joanie wouldn't be getting out of the office that early since there was still a lot of preparation to do for Noah's custody case so I wandered over to the garage. I still felt strange showing my face around everyone knowing that everyone knew what I had done. Sure they knew me first and I'm not going to say they necessarily liked Joanie better but they liked her as much and I was in the wrong and she was the innocent victim. Still I walked up. I figured if anyone would give me a fair shake it might be Al. I knew Emma still loved me but she was disappointed and it hurt to look at her face knowing that disappointment was there. She thought she raised me better and she did. I just didn't learn the lessons I should have.

Al saw me walking up and intercepted me before I could make it into the building.

"Is Lou that mad at me?" I asked.

"Theresa's in there," he answered shaking his head, "Lou's trying to stick up for you. Her heart ain't all in it but she's trying to be fair at least. Theresa wants to kill you slowly and painfully. I think even Jesse's afraid to go near her in the state she's in and I am too to be honest. She's got it in for all men right now."

"I should talk to her," I said trying to pull away from the old man but he held on tight to my arm.

"No you should wait until she cools off," he said, "She will but right now she's far too angry to hear you."

I let him direct me to the burger joint down the block and into a booth where I tried to meet his eyes across the table but I was just too ashamed to manage it.

"Look at me son," Al said and my head jerked up, not because he told me to but because he still called me 'son'. "You made a mistake. It surely ain't your first and it won't be your last. You know all you kids is like my own. I couldn't turn my back on you over a mistake. We're family. Don't you know that by now?"

"I can't believe I did it, Al," I confessed, "I nearly threw everything away over a woman I don't even like. She ain't pretty as Joanie. She sure the hell ain't nice as Joanie."

"Have you spoken to Joanie?"

I nodded.

"Judy didn't leave me much choice. I got her home and she made me sleep on the couch. I think she'll come around in time. She still loves me, not that I understand why. She knows it was a onetime mistake but I hurt her real bad."

"You sure did," he agreed, "I think you're right though that it will work out. You have more to start with than Buck and Carol did, I wager. They worked it out and are stronger than ever. Take it a day at a time. I know that's a tired cliché but it's a good one too. They only get tired from people using them and people only use the ones that make sense."

"I want to show her how much she means to me," I said, "I want her to not be able to doubt it but everything I think of looks like I'm trying to buy forgiveness. Flowers, dinner out, jewelry…it all seems cheap."

"Oh I have faith in you," he replied, "I think you'll come up with just the thing, or things to make her see how loved she is."

* * *

><p><strong>Damn him...he's almost making me have sympathy for him...<strong>

**Yiddish: Chaleria is nasty woman...Drek mit Leber means nothing or something that is worthless...Es iz tsu shpet means it is too late...I think that's it...**

**These two are going to be the very death of me.-J**


	83. Chapter 83

I started thinking what I could do and got a few ideas right quick. I asked a favor or two of Al and then hustled off to get other things ready. I couldn't leave anything to chance. This had to work. It just had to. I knew that no matter what I said or whatever Joanie said that things weren't going to be exactly the same between us for a while but I had to get her to see how much I still loved her. I had to make her see my words weren't just words, they weren't just talk. They were the truth and all I had to fight for her with.

I was ready and sitting in the living room when I heard Joanie turning the doorknob to come in. I jumped to my feet. She came in and looked at me strange but then set to putting her things down and headed for our room casting a disparaging glance at the kitchen where there was obviously nothing cooking. I know what she was thinking, she would have to cook. I followed her to the bedroom and stood in the doorway while she peeled off her skirt and blouse and pulled on some jeans and a t-shirt. She stopped when she noticed me standing there. I saw her brow furrow like she was about to get mad so I decided to talk before she could start yelling.

"I don't suppose you'd like to go for a ride with me, would you?"

"James," she said sounding sick and tired of me and I know she probably was at the time too but I still had to try to push this.

"Please Joanie," I said, "It might be relaxing after the day you've had. Maybe we could grab a bite to eat and just talk or something. Please."

Yeah I was not above begging. The Temptations had a whole song about not being too proud to beg for your girl to not leave you and I sure the hell wasn't too proud.

"Alright," she said and let me lead her out of our place and down to my car. I always preferred driving her car but that night I had some things already stashed in my car and besides, I had the big old bench seat she could slide across and cuddle up to me if she was of such a mind and I was hoping to make her be of such a mind. I opened her door for her and she looked at me funny. I know I didn't do that as often as I should anymore by then and I needed to get back to those little things that let her know I cared and didn't take her for granted. Frankly I had been taking her for granted and that needed to stop.

I just drove us aimlessly for a while, like I had that night over six years before when she had given me a second chance that I didn't deserve. Finally I drove to the garage. She looked at me doubtfully. I wasn't any more sure of this than she was but it was all I could think of. I got out and ran to her side to open her door and then grabbed a bag out of the back of the car and led her upstairs to the roof. I had made sure that Jesse wouldn't be there and I had been up there earlier. I put out flowers and set up a table with two chairs and then had the two lawn chairs up there set facing the west so maybe we could watch the sunset like we used to do.

I pulled out a chair for Joanie and turned on the radio soft while I lit the candles I had set all over and started getting things out of the bag I brought up. Soon I was sitting across from her with two glasses of wine and a plate of cheeses and French bread between us. I knew it was too much to ask that the spread and the place would just turn back the clock to a time when I was still a decent guy but I could tell it wasn't even coming close and I had hoped it would make her remember the good times. So many of them took place on that roof. We'd shared our first kiss, we'd made love and I'd even proposed on that roof. The first time I had brought her there she thanked me. She told me that I was a different person on that roof, a better and more likable person. I hoped I still was.

"This is nice, James," she said and I think she really meant it too. She sounded like she did.

We were able to talk a bit. Joanie filled me in on the case for Noah to get custody. It was a strong case and I could tell there wouldn't be any problem in him getting Michael from that woman.

"Which reminds me," she said, "Daddy thought it would carry some weight to have a social worker testify on Noah's behalf. Don't worry I didn't tell him anything about Rosemary having the same thought or what she or you did. But I said I would ask you before we just subpoenaed you out of the blue."

"Of course I'll testify for Noah. If you think it helps him, I'll do anything. Michael needs him."

"I'll tell Daddy."

We didn't talk for a while but it didn't feel as bad as it had. But then she frowned and I knew something bad was coming.

"This really is a nice evening, James, but eventually we have to go back home where our problems are," she said sadly, "Here I can almost forget what I saw, what you did. But we can't stay here forever and one night of not thinking about it doesn't fix the problem."

"I know this don't fix things. I know I can't even fix things. There's no fixing what I did, Joanie. Someday I just hope you can trust me, trust what I tell you about you and how I feel is true. We've done a lot on this roof. We've had good times and shouting matches and looked some ugly things right in the eye. I needed a safe place tonight and I thought maybe you did too. This place was always safe for us."

She cocked her head to one side and a little smile crept across her face.

"Do you remember the first time you brought me up here?"

"Of course I do," I told her, "Only the day before I had been a huge jerk and I had spent a good part of the day wondering why hurting your feelings bothered me so. I barely knew you other than you were beautiful. Al and Emma both told me to give apologizing a try. I think I understand more now but at the time I was shocked it worked and you gave me another chance."

She giggled a little, "Yeah I was at home wondering why your nasty attitude bugged me so much too. I mean you are handsome and all but it's not like we were dating or anything. Maybe we knew something even then."

"Maybe," I acknowledged, "Maybe there is such a thing as love at first sight."

"I was afraid to come up here with you that night. Did you know that?"

"I know you were probably scared I was taking you to my place," I answered, "You were probably right to be scared of me. I wasn't a good guy."

"You never said mean things to me like Stan did," she said in the tiniest voice I could ever imagine coming from my girl, "On the surface he looked like the better guy. You never called me names. You never forced me to do anything. I had nothing to fear coming here with you. Even your kiss was sweet."

"Makes it worse that I hurt you now," I said, "I pretended to be that nice guy for six years and now I hurt you. I really hate myself right now. I want you to know that. However much you hate me or however angry you are with me, I hate me worse."

"I don't hate you," she replied simply, "I never hated you. You're still a good man. I really do think that. I'm trying to remember that you just made a mistake and that she was the mistake and not me."

"She was," I said, "Oh God, Joanie! Do you honestly think you could ever be a mistake to me? Finding a way to be with you, to marry you…that is the only thing I think I've ever done right in my life. I just love you so much."

"I know you do," she told me, "I know it even though…well, I guess maybe I tried to doubt it. It still worries me sometimes."

"I know your insecurities, Joanie. I am a terrible husband for making you think they are true. It's supposed to be my job to make you understand how beautiful you are and how worthy of love. Hell, you're worthy of being loved by someone better than me."

"I forget sometimes you think as little of yourself as I think of myself," she said with a sad smile, "We're sort of a mess, you know."

"I have a theory that's why we work…when we work that is."

"I think that's most of the time, isn't it?" she ventured.

"I think it is," I said. It was then that I happened to notice that our song was playing on the radio. The good old Five Satins crooning away about holding each other tight in the still of the night. I started humming along.

"Do I get the Bill Cody treatment now?" Joanie asked, "A serenade?"

"If I thought my voice wouldn't send you running and screaming back to your sister's then you might just."

"You can't sound any more ridiculous than the klezmer band at our wedding," she said stifling a giggle.

She was kind of right so I stood and held out my hand to her.

"I think I could be persuaded to sing if the lady could be persuaded to dance."

She smiled and took my hand and we swayed and I sang softly in her ear. When the song was over she was still leaning against my chest.

"Remember how that became our song?" I whispered.

"Prom," she answered in a soft murmur.

"It was the first slow song they played there so it was the first time we ever danced together like that," I elaborated, "You wore that powder blue dress and had those flowers stuck in your hair. I don't think I'd ever seen anyone so beautiful outside of a movie. You felt so right in my arms like I finally figured out what my arms were for. I remember you smelled of lilacs and I was pretty sure I was going to wake up any minute and find I was only dreaming such a thing."

"I could see the envious looks I was getting from the other girls," she said and it was kind of distant like she was dreaming it or something. "I never had that before. I was there with the most handsome young man in the place and every girl there wanted to be me that night. I felt like I was dancing on a cloud. I actually thought I might fall over but your arms were so strong and held me so sure and steady I knew I would be fine."

I held her tighter right then hoping that I could still steady her and make her feel secure.

"James," she said pushing away from me, "We were so much younger then. It seems a lifetime ago. I love you but we can't go back to prom."

"I know but I still feel the same way," I said begging her to understand that she'd always be that girl to me.

"Feeling that and being there are two different things, James. You know that."

I just dropped my head. I knew she was right. We couldn't go back to being those innocent kids. It's hard to think of myself as innocent back then with all I had been through but I know I was in ways I would never been again. So I changed the subject.

"Are you going to get to sit in for the custody hearings?" I asked. Even though she only had one more year of law school it was still rare when her dad or one of her uncles let her sit in on the case. Once or twice she had been at the table or right behind but not often. This was family though so I knew there was a chance.

"I am," she said and looked pretty proud.

"Good," I told her, "You know the times you haven't it isn't that you aren't good enough, right? It's that they don't want to look like they're playing favorites."

"I know," she said, "But thank you for reminding me."

"I have something for you," I ventured, "I suspected you might be heading into the courtroom and I wanted to get you something for luck and so you would remember me and how much I love you."

I went to the bag that I had pulled wine and cheese and such from and pulled out a small box and handed it to her.

"You don't need the embellishment but you deserve pretty things and a man who realizes it."

Joanie tentatively opened the box and saw the pearl earrings inside. They were simple but I wanted something she could wear with a suit and look professional in a courtroom.

"James, you shouldn't have."

"I know what it looks like Joanie. I know I messed up and it looks like I'm trying to buy your affections back. I'm not that naïve. I know a woman like yourself cannot be bought or bribed. I just want you to wear them and when you catch sight of them remember that someone loves you and believes in you and thinks the world of you."

"They are beautiful," she whispered, "Thank you. They'll be perfect for court."

Then she did something that surprised me. She walked over to me and wrapped her arms tight around my neck and kissed me. Not some chaste little kiss either, she kissed me open mouthed and with all the passion she'd ever held for me.

"Are those afghans still up here?" she asked with that mischievous arched eyebrow I had come to love so much over the years.

"Yeah, they are," I said. My mouth was getting dry and I was feeling almost like I had that night on the beach at the cabin six years earlier. Something was happening and I was not in charge. Joanie was calling all the shots and I was just along for the ride to wherever she wanted to go. Apparently she was thinking of other memories made on that roof. This was far from the only time that we made love on the roof but I think it might have been the most memorable. There was so much fear and vulnerability from both of us. It was as if we were trying to tell each other things, explain our feelings, without words and just with how we touched and moved together. I felt almost like I was exploring her body for the first time.

Afterward we just laid there in each other's arms.

"I hope I didn't give you the wrong idea, James," she said, "I mean, I don't want you to think everything is fine just because…"

"I know it's not. I know it's still going to take some time. I really needed that though. I think maybe you did too."

She just nodded and we stayed like that for a while before she got up and pulled her clothes back on. I got up and did the same thing. We went out and got in the car and I took her home. She let me back into bed but there was still an uncomfortable space between us. I felt better and like there was hope at any rate.

The rest of the week was busy. It was my last week before school and hers as well. She needed to get back to class and those would be around court dates for Noah's custody hearings. There was still the awkwardness between us and that wasn't good but we were getting more comfortable. She was getting better about me touching her and I think she could almost look at our couch again without seeing what she had walked in on.

Sunday came along and we headed to Emma's. We had both bailed on Temple the day before. We just didn't feel like pretending everything was fine and if we weren't convincing enough then her parents would notice for sure. Judy called later in the day to check on us. She talked to Joanie for a while and then to me and pretty much yelled and threatened for a while. But I knew everyone at Emma's knew anyway and I had promised Emma I would be there. So we went. I paused before putting the key in the ignition.

"They know," I said, "I told Emma and I know Sherry knew too. It's okay if they see that we aren't, well, okay yet. You know that, right?"

"I do," she said patting my hand. I knew Joanie well enough that I figured she would try to act like everything was wonderful when it was still far from it. Just because we were in the same bed and just because we'd made love a couple of times hardly meant everything was just fine.

We walked in and there was a tension in the house like they were all looking to see if I was alone or if there was open hostility between us or what. When we walked in holding hands it's a wonder the sigh of relief wasn't enough to blow us back out the door. I looked around and Theresa was nowhere to be found. Neither were the boys so I figured that she and Jesse had taken them to the park. Joanie split off from me to talk to the women who all glared at me, with the exception of Carol. She gave me a weak smile. I wouldn't say I was exactly on her side when she and Buck had their problems but I was the only one not immediately against her and their marriage so I guess she felt a connection. I went into the kitchen knowing that Emma would need that platter down.

I hadn't even gotten it all the way down when Emma started talking.

"I see your wife is with you today."

"Yeah, she's been home since Monday," I answered, "It's not okay yet but we're working on it. I hear Theresa's about ready to come after me."

"She took this hard, Jimmy," Emma said, "You're sort of a hero to her and for you to suddenly be human…that's not something she was prepared for. We're never quite ready to know our heroes aren't perfect. And she's a little out of sorts this week."

"What's the matter?" I asked thinking I had been neglecting one of my most important charges.

"You can't tell her I told you this, she'd be mortified, but Theresa's become a young lady."

"I see," I said and I did. What Emma said is sort of an antiquated way of saying it but what it meant was that Theresa had started her period. That'll make most women cranky with the hormones and such but when it's the first time, that is really something to throw you for a loop.

"I'll go find her," I said, "See if we can work this out before it gets brought to your dinner table."

I think she thought about protesting but she didn't. I went to the park and spotted the kids right off. I walked over and asked Jesse to keep an eye on the younger kids and then I went to Theresa.

"I think we need to talk," I said.

"I don't want to talk to you."

"Then listen please. I messed up. I did and I know that. I'm not perfect, kiddo. I never have been. I know Kid and Lou probably never told you all the bad stuff I've done but there's been plenty. I make mistakes and sometimes they are real bad. I did something stupid here too and it's one of the biggest regrets of my life. Right up there with nearly killing someone."

Her eyes flew open at that.

"Yeah I knew that hadn't told you about that," I said, "I brought a knife to a fist fight and ended up convicted of assault and it was some kind of luck I wasn't facing attempted murder charges. I ain't perfect. I can't even try to be. I do the best I can and I mess up just like everyone else sometimes."

"How could you cheat on Aunt Joanie?"

"I'm weak and stupid. I've got no other explanation. I love her though and she still loves me. We're working it out. She's at the house if you want to come on over. I think she'd love to see you."

"How can she take you back?" she asked me, "Is that just how it works? Men leave or cheat or whatever and we just forgive and everything is okay again?"

Her voice was raising and I saw Jesse look over warily. I figured he'd been the target of her venom most of the week.

"It's not all okay," I answered, "Not by a long shot. We have a lot of hard work to do and I have to do most of it. We're getting better. It gets complicated sometimes figuring out when there is still something worth saving. We could see there still was. Well, I could after Judy showed me."

"She's at Emma's?"

"Yeah she is," I told her, "I know she'd love to see you, too. She kind of misses having you around I think."

"It's probably almost time to eat too," she said like she was thinking aloud. I nodded and we got up and rounded up Jesse and the boys and headed back. I put my arm around her shoulders.

"Do you still want to kill me?"

"Not exactly," she said, "I think I might still like to hit you, maybe."

I chuckled at that. I think her feeling was probably common and one I had myself. But somehow we made it through dinner without any ugliness. It was funny but all the while everyone else was focused on the awkwardness between me and Joanie, I was noticing that something was not quite right between Al and Rachel. That was something I would have to look into. Al needed the chance at happiness and Rachel was good for him, I thought. I hoped she still was.

* * *

><p><strong>These two are just exhausting me...but I think they are on the right track...but what's wrong with Al and Rachel? Hmmm...-J<strong>


	84. Chapter 84

Making things okay again with Joanie was a slower process than I expected and I don't know why that was. I knew how bad I hurt her and I knew how deep those kinds of wounds went. I guess we were doing alright but sometimes I would try to touch her or kiss her and she would duck away from me or outright push me away. It hurt and more than once I got short with her about it. I felt terrible later of course but I was starting to lose hope that there would be a time when I wasn't being punished for this mistake. It was a bad feeling to think that I would never see trust in her eyes again, that all we had dreamed of might really have been taken in one stupid mistake that I made. I never forgot it was my fault.

But life did have to move forward. School started and it was Joanie's last year of law school. I started my new job which was a little scary. Sometimes I think it's hardest to start something when it's what you wanted. I had it so built up in my mind and it lived up to my expectations to an extent but nothing can entirely. I know sometimes I felt there was so much at stake every single minute. I didn't have the honor student with a happy home just needing to know if he or she should take chemistry or biology. Every kid I saw all day had a life like I did or like Jesse did or like Kid did. I know that anything I did for them was an improvement in their lives but of course I wanted to save them all and I knew I couldn't. I think a part of me, even in my idealized view of what the job would be like, knew that and that was probably most of the reason I was so nervous about starting at it. The worst was that normally it was Joanie who would reassure me about things like that. Remember that sixth sense of hers. I couldn't rightly go to her with my silly insecurities when I had made a mockery of everything she thought she could rely on.

My first day of school, I woke up to Joanie cooking breakfast. Now we ate breakfast. We didn't skip because of time like so many do now but often it was toast and coffee or something equally simple. Things like pancakes waited for weekends. But damned if that wasn't what she was making—pancakes. I wasn't even sure how to react. Sometimes I could walk up to her like I always did and slip my arms around her waist and kiss her neck and she would act like she always did. But others I would get the cold shoulder. I just stood there.

"Good morning, Joanie," I said timidly.

She looked at me then with a warm smile and barely a trace of the mistrust that I was so used to seeing usurp every look she gave me.

"Good morning, James. Did you sleep well?"

"Not really," I confessed. As much as I didn't want to bring my problems to her when I'd already messed things up so badly, I couldn't lie to her either. She always knew and it would just hurt her worse.

She stepped away from the stove carrying a plate of pancakes and once they were on the table she wrapped her arms around me.

"Those kids are lucky to have you, you know."

I wasn't even sure how to respond. I had no right seeking comfort from her but then I wasn't seeking, she was offering and that was different. She looked up at me with her eyes shining.

"I'm very proud of you," she said, "I want you to know that. Even with everything that's happened, I am proud of what you've done and I'm proud to be your wife."

I didn't know what to say. As hopeless as I'd been starting to feel, to have her say something like that when I needed it the most, I just had no idea how to respond. So I kissed her. I kissed her good. I kissed her like I don't think I had kissed her since before the ugly incident with Noah's soon to be ex-wife. I kissed her without feeling apologetic about wanting to and I kissed her without worrying I'd get slapped for it. I kissed her like I used to when she would do or say just what I needed to keep going. When I broke the kiss I could see a few tears had made their way down her cheeks. I thought maybe I had messed up. She reached up and placed her hand on the side of my face.

"I've missed you," she said, "I don't want to push you away anymore."

I opened my mouth to tell her things like I deserved her treatment and it was okay if she still felt uneasy but she placed a finger on my lips to silence me.

"We'll talk more tonight, my love," she whispered and she hadn't called me anything like that in quite a while. "You go help those kids. I do love you so."

"I love you too, Joanie," I told her, "Not sure how I got so lucky to have you but I love you."

"I know."

She made me sit down and eat something which was hard because I was still nervous but I did feel a lot better knowing Joanie was still behind me cheering me on and believing in me. There's not a lot a man can't do with a good woman believing in him.

I went to work that day with a little spring in my step. Things went well I have to say. I knew it was only the first day but the few students I did see all seemed like kids I could help with little trouble. Most of them just needed someone to talk to. Really that's the job description for social worker, listening while people talk. How badly I wanted someone to listen to me when I was a kid and I never had that. I guess I was always trying to make it up to that kid I was. It felt like maybe if I could do for those kids what no one did for me that it would heal what was broken inside me. It worked to an extent too.

I have to admit being a little nervous about coming home that night. And it was night. There was a lot more paperwork involved in the new job and I was there until nearly five o'clock most nights and not hitting the door when the bell rang like I had managed before. I came home thinking about what I could get going for supper or maybe thinking of going out or ordering something but I could smell Joanie already had supper cooking. It smelled wonderful too. I recognized the smell immediately. It was kugel. Now there are a lot of different kinds of kugel and a lot of them are kind of sweet and get eaten at brunches and such but this was a special one that Joanie's mom taught her to make and I guess it was kind of like a macaroni and cheese type of thing. It was one of my favorite foods in the world or at least it became that the first time I had it. I sort of felt uncomfortable that after all the trouble I caused that she was there making my favorite dish. I wished I had at least picked up some flowers on my way home or something.

I walked into the apartment and Joanie was actually humming along with the radio. She had changed into jeans after work and her hair was just loosely pulled away from her face and she was dancing and humming to the radio. If I remember correctly it was "Bus Stop" by The Hollies. Not that it mattered, what mattered was that Joanie looked happy and relaxed. I hadn't seen her that way in weeks and that was my fault. She looked over and saw me and smiled a little sheepishly and then bounced over and kissed my cheek.

"Welcome home. How was your first day?"

"Well before I walked in it was just good but now it's spectacular."

"Supper's almost ready," she smiled walking away and grabbing a beer out of the fridge for me.

"Smells like kugel," I noted and she smiled wider and nodded. "You didn't have to go to that trouble."

"I haven't been very good to you lately," she said, "I realize that now. I'm sorry."

She looked so sad and lost and then blinked and took a breath before going to check on what was in the oven.

"We'll talk more later."

I let it drop for then but I was worried. This wasn't at all how my Joanie acted and she hadn't been that terrible to me at all. I actually felt she had been more than fair to me. We ate quietly for a while before Joanie asked more about my day. I told her about how the new job worked but it felt off somehow in a way I can't really explain. After supper we sat on the couch to watch TV and Joanie jumped up.

"I should grab you another beer and maybe make some popcorn too."

I latched onto her wrist and pulled her back to me.

"I don't need another beer and I don't need popcorn," I told her, "You said we'd talk and if you're looking to please me—which seems an odd thing for you to want to do—talking is what I want."

"I just don't like the way things have been," she said and I don't know how she thought I wouldn't notice her avoiding looking me in the eye, "I love you and I love us and I want us back again. You made a mistake and I know you'd give anything if you could take it back. I know that. We can still be okay. We can still be like we used to."

I think she was trying to convince herself more than she was me.

"Joanie, you don't have to push this to being alright before it really feels alright to you."

"But I want it to be alright," she responded, "Don't you, James?"

As she spoke she was climbing on my lap on the couch and straddling my legs.

"Of course I do but-"

I couldn't speak because her lips covered mine and her tongue was in my mouth. She was grinding her hips and rubbing against my groin. I knew I had to say something. This felt too desperate, too much like after Stan when all she wanted was to feel something other than pain and fear and she didn't care much what it was she felt. When she broke away from me I tried to speak but she was lifting her shirt over her head and she wasn't wearing a bra that day. I was suddenly faced with two of my favorite sights. Joanie wasn't playing fair but then she didn't want to. I wrapped my arms around her and stood up bringing her with me. She kept her legs around me and I carried her like that to the bedroom.

"Take me, James," she whispered in my ear, "Take me now."

That's the kind of invitation only a great fool passes up and for all the things I am, and sometimes those things involve me being quite foolish, I am not a great fool. I took her to our bed and I laid claim to her every way I knew how. And I will suffice to say that Joanie left no doubt who I belonged to. I wouldn't ever forget again.

When I finally woke up from the workout Joanie put me through it was morning and I had somehow forgotten all my objections of the night before. Of course another home cooked breakfast with eggs and hash browns and even fresh squeezed orange juice go a long way to making a man forget things.

"So what is on your schedule today?" I asked her.

"Class and some research for Noah's case," she said like it was the most boring thing we could talk about. This was not my Joanie but then I knew we still weren't on firm footing and I figured it had to do with some of her issues that were not as resolved as she might want them to be. She seemed alright so I let it drop. I learned later that when people seem alright is when there is the greatest cause for worry.

I went in to work like usual and saw a few kids and did some paperwork. Typical day until about noon or so, I guess. I looked up to see Lou standing in the door. She had a bag from the deli down the street and a look on her face I couldn't place. Well I could sort of. She looked scared.

"Hey Lou," I said trying not to sound too worried. "What brings you down here? Aren't you usually working this time of day?"

"Al gave me the afternoon off," she replied looking past me and it was almost like when she had first come back after we found out Kid was missing. "I needed to talk to you. You're not busy are you?"

"Barring any major emergency I'm not busy at all," I told her, "I had one appointment today and mostly I was just going to do some paperwork. Sit down and tell me what's upsetting you. I haven't seen you this upset in quite a while."

"I'm probably being silly but at least I brought some lunch," she offered and pulled the sandwiches out of the bag while I went out into the main office and grabbed us a couple cups of coffee. Once we were settled I looked at Lou seriously across my desk.

"What's wrong?" I asked.

"I don't know that anything's wrong, exactly," she said and Lou was a tiny thing anyway but she always had what you'd call presence that made her seem not so small. But right then she looked smaller than I had ever seen her. She looked younger than Theresa and even less sure of herself.

"I got this envelope today," she sighed, "I don't know what it is."

"Is it about Kid?"

She nodded and I came out from behind my desk and sat in the chair next to hers. I took her hand.

"I'm here," I said, "And it can't be that bad or the news would have come in person."

She took a deep breath and looked at me once more and then tore the top of the envelope. It was a big envelope and inside were three more envelopes. They were regular sized like you'd send a letter in and I recognized the writing on the outside. She did too as her hand flew to her mouth.

"Oh my God!" she cried.

Now I should back up and explain that the Red Cross is an amazing organization and they don't just do things like blood drives after disasters, they are pretty busy all the time. One of the things they did during the war was to find ways to get letters from the families of imprisoned servicemen to the prisoners themselves. We had a special address to mail them to though we were cautioned against sending too many or sending them too often. I let Lou handle the correspondence but we all took turns adding a little note to include to him. The hard part is that we didn't know for certain he was in a prison camp. The possibility still technically existed that he could be dead although I never bought that and neither did Lou.

Now the other thing the Red Cross did was to try to get the letters back to the families that the POW's would write. That was harder and not everyone got letters back and we sure didn't get them all. For starters not all POW's were allowed to write at all and as things dragged on it got even more restrictive.

But in my office that day we were looking at three letters from Kid. I held her hand while she read but I didn't read them. I never did read them. They were hers and hers alone but then she handed me one sheet of paper that had been folded into one of the letters.

"This one isn't addressed to me," she said and I looked and sure enough it wasn't.

I slumped back in the chair with a sigh.

"You don't have to read it now," she told me, "You can wait until you're alone. I don't think I could have read these alone, Jimmy." She paused and squeezed my arm. "We were right though. He's alive. He's miserable and hurt and living like no one should but he's alive and that's not dead and that means he could come back to me."

I turned to her and took her hand again.

"It means he will come back to you," I said forcefully, "I know him, Lou and he will find a way to survive and somehow he will make it back to you and Theresa and the boys. He will."

She threw her arms around my neck and I could feel her tears hitting my skin.

"Thank you, Jimmy. I don't know what I would do without you."

She left a little while later and even then I didn't unfold the note. I couldn't. I opened my door and stayed that way until the bell. Got paperwork done but I'm not sure how since I was pretty foggy. I left right at the dismissal bell which wasn't usual for me but I had to get out of there. I went home knowing Joanie wouldn't be there for a while yet and I sat on the davenport and finally dared to open the note. My hands were shaking and a part of me wanted to throw the paper down and run from it but I had to know. I read that note over and over so many times I can still recite it to this day. I have forgotten many things through time but I will never forget the words that assured me that I wasn't crazy and my brother was still alive.

"Dear Jimmy,

"First I guess I should say sorry. I promised to get my butt home safe and I didn't. I don't know how I survived but I'm pretty sure none of the other guys did. They trusted me, Jimmy. They trusted me with their lives. I let everyone down. I know I did. Those guys, you, Lou, Theresa, the boys. I promise I'll find a way to get home so I can make it up to everyone. I know I don't have the right to ask favors of you but I need to all the same. I know I don't even need to ask you to look after Lou and the kids. I just somehow know you are. Even if you're still sore at me you wouldn't take it out on them. Theresa's growing into a young lady so you better make sure the boys stay away or at least that only the nice ones get through. Don't let my boys forget me, Jimmy. They're so little and I don't know how long I'll be gone. Just please make sure they don't forget their old man. I need you to give Emma a hug for me and make sure to tell her she's the best mom a guy could ask for. I love her. Tell her that too.

"And I have a few things to say just to you. Remember how we used to camp on the roof sometimes? I know it wasn't really camping. It was being kicked out but we pretended we were camping anyway. At night I think of those times. It's real lonely here, Jimmy. We aren't allowed to talk to each other a lot and all I have is you. Thing is, and this is going to sound nuts, sometimes when I see and hear you in my mind you're not a little kid. You're you just like you are now and you're not telling me how Polly started hitting you too or how you wished you could play for the Tigers. You're telling me to hold on and that you know I'm out here. Maybe it's just wishful thinking or maybe there was more to when we decided to become blood brothers. If it's really you I hear, don't give up on me. I'll come home. In the meantime, you take care of Joanie and you take care of yourself. You're my brother and I love you, man.

Kid"

I know I had tears running down my face and I don't know how long I sat there but when I heard the key in the door it broke me out of my haze. I jumped up and went to the door wiping my eyes and when Joanie came in I grabbed her and kissed her hard.

She blinked at me a couple times.

"That was a wonderful welcome, my love," she said as she was catching her breath, "But why?"

"Because I love you and I don't let you know it enough. Turn right around. We are going out to eat."

"I don't understand," she looked worried as she spoke.

"I know and I'll try to explain but right now I need to take you out."

"James, you've been crying," she observed, "What happened?"

"Kid's alive," I answered and damn near started crying again. "Me and Lou got proof today, real proof. We got letters from him. My brother is alive and he told me to take care of you and I haven't been and I need to."

"Oh James," she cried and hugged me tight, "I am so happy for you and for Lou and for all of us. I was going to make something for supper. I still can and you can relax. I'm sure it's been very emotional."

"No," I insisted, "Tonight my beautiful, intelligent, amazing wife does not set one dainty little foot in the kitchen. Tonight we go out and celebrate!"

That night was good. It was one of the best. Parts of that letter still do a number on me. Just the thought that Bobby and Jack were so young they could possibly forget him hurt. I spent a lot of time with them telling them stories and showing them pictures. I know after a while he wasn't anything more to them than stories from their weird uncle and pictures in a book but at least they knew who he was. I think what affected me most in the letter was that he could feel me. I knew I could close my eyes and feel him. I knew he was out there. The thought that he knew I was searching for him like that and that maybe it was giving him some kind of strength, well it made a lot of things easier to take. I ain't going to sit here and tell you to believe we had some psychic connection. I ain't ruling it out either. I have lived a good long time and the thing that you learn most as you move through the years is how little we really know and understand about our world. Maybe it was just wishful thinking on both our parts but maybe there really was a connection and all the times I spent thinking about him and knowing he was out there and wanting him to know he was loved still, maybe that had some power too. I'm just saying it's possible.

I have to admit I was flying pretty high after that. There was some vindication in finding out the faith I had in Kid being alive was well placed and knowing he really was out there made the days easier. I guess being so happy about Kid made it easier to miss the signs that something wasn't right with my Joanie. She was still acting a little weird. She was sitting in on the custody hearings and going to school and still getting supper on for me when I walked in the door from work. She would even meet me at the door with a cold beer and then untie my tie for me. If I smoked a pipe she probably would have had that and my slippers ready for me too. It should have set off so many bells and whistles in my mind and it didn't so what I came home to one day should not have caught me by surprise and when I look back I know it was at least partly my fault. Oh hell it was mostly my fault.

I was a little earlier than normal but not exceptionally so and there was no smell of food cooking. I knew the hearings had ended a couple days before and we already had the good news that Noah had sole custody of little Michael. So I thought that Joanie maybe was out studying or something. I walked in and there she was on the floor backed up against the back of the couch. Her knees were pulled tight to her chest and her nose was bleeding. I rushed over to her.

"Joanie," I hollered at her and probably louder than I should to someone in that state. "Baby, what happened? Who did this to you? Was someone else here?"

She blinked at me and still looked about a million miles away. My mind raced to a hundred different things that could have happened and none of them were good.

"I'm calling Sam," I said and started to stand up but she grabbed my sleeve and held tight.

"James," she whispered and I waited for more but there was nothing. I leaned forward and kissed her lightly and then pulled back and stroked my hand over her face.

She blinked again and then looked horrified.

"Oh James," she nearly wailed, "You're bleeding, what happened?"

I wiped my face and just looked at her.

"It's your blood," I told her, "You have a nosebleed. I kissed you. I must have gotten some of your blood on me. You have to tell me who hurt you. Who was here?"

"No one," she said softly and looked ashamed. It was only then I noticed the scratch marks on her arms a couple of which were bleeding too. "No one was here. No one hurt me."

"I don't understand. You're bleeding. You aren't saying you did this to yourself?"

"I must have," she replied looking up at me with those big brown eyes as if begging me to tell her that she was going to be okay. I think a part of her thought I would ship her off to the nearest psych ward but things were different then and even now I prefer to see if there are other options. I mean sometimes you just know there aren't but often there are. I picked her up and carried her to rest on the couch and then went to the kitchen and got a cool, damp cloth so I could clean her face.

I cleaned her up and kissed her forehead.

"I should start supper," she said, "It's going to be so late now."

"I don't care if we end up eating peanut butter sandwiches at midnight, Joanie. You are sitting right here with me and we are figuring this out."

"I'm fine now," she tried to convince me.

"No you aren't," I replied, "I don't think you have been for a while and I've been overlooking it. We can work all this out together. I know we can."

* * *

><p><strong>This has been one of the toughest writing days I have ever had...First I finished up a story for a challenge elsewhere...you'll all get to read it eventually but it was so raw and emotional and then I went back to this chapter that was only about half written. I'm getting some chocolate and going to bed...<strong>

**Oh by the way...anxiety attacks can sometimes look just like what you saw with Joanie...I know what's wrong with her...kind of...Jimmy's good and he'll get to the root of it...mostly. And the whole thing about letters from POW's is true.-J**


	85. Chapter 85

Joanie was fighting not to cry even though she had been; she was fighting those tears now.

"I'm fine, James, really," she said but it was not her no nonsense Joanie voice that usually said things like that to me. It was a scared little girl's voice that usually I never heard.

"Joanie, we both know that ain't true."

She looked at me a minute more and all the while I could see the tears standing in her eyes and her lip quiver and her breath shaking but she would not cry. Instead she kissed me. She kissed me and rubbed on me and tried undoing my pants. I got her wrists and pushed her back against the back of the couch and I felt bad about handling things that way because she tensed up like I was going to hurt her. Oh hell, it wasn't that I had her wrists—though I will tell you I took great pains to never do anything that would feel like I was trying to pin her down after Stan—it was that I was starting to get mad. She needed to talk damn it and she was going to talk and not keep trying to distract me. I had let her get away with that for long enough and things needed solving.

"Stop it, Joanie," I growled at her.

That's when her face crumbled and the tears started flowing.

"You don't want me," she bawled, "I knew it would happen. I tried and I tried but now that you know you can have someone prettier, you don't want me!"

I took one of her hands and pressed it to my groin.

"Then what's that, Joanie?" I nearly shouted at her, "If I don't want you then what the hell is that? All I do is want you and love you. You are the only one I truly want and I will always hate myself for making you doubt that. It's true though, you are the only one I could ever want. There is no one prettier than you as far as I can see. Don't you understand I want us back as bad as you do? And I can't have us back if you're not here and I don't know who I been living with the last few weeks but it ain't my Joanie. You're like June Cleaver or something and I don't want her. I never did. Where's my feisty girl bent on saving the world? Where's the woman who sometimes shoots me a nasty look for opening a door for her? Where's my battle maiden? I miss her, Joanie. I miss her so much it hurts."

"She drove you away," she sobbed, "She made you want someone else. She didn't think enough about you and your needs and she was selfish, too selfish to be married. I want to be married—to you!"

"One stupid mistake, Joanie!" I yelled, "I made one stupid mistake and if you wanted to leave me forever because of it I would deserve it but it was my mistake, not yours. You didn't drive me to Rosemary's arms; she came here and wrapped 'em around me. I don't want her. I swear it. If I could run back time and not let her in or push her away, I would. You know I would. God, Joanie, how could any woman ever compare to you?"

"Sure you would want to be stuck with a crazy meeskait when you could have her!"

"Joanie," I said and I fought to keep my voice calm which actually seemed to command more attention from her than if I had kept yelling. "You are not crazy. You are not a meeskait. But you were right about something. Remember when it happened and you called her a shiksa whore? Well, that was dead on. Why would I want a shiksa whore when I can have you?"

"But she-"

"She uses people, Joanie. She thinks of nothing but her own self. She never even gave one thought to Michael. You know that. You care about other people. You try to help people because it's the right thing to do, not because it will make you look good. Damn, Joanie…I could never want someone like her, not really."

"But you were with her and you were kissing her and she was touching you and if I was a better wife…"

"Is that what this is all about?" I asked slumping back into the couch, "You think you're a bad wife?"

"I should quit school and stay home to take care of things and have a baby because I can't do like mom did. She never missed anything. Dinner always ready, me always clean and fed and taken care of and her grades never suffered," she said with this distant look in her eyes, "Maybe no one can do that anymore."

"What is bringing this on really?" I asked, "Is this really about me being an idiot anymore?"

"I was talking to some people from high school a while back and it got me thinking."

"I'm afraid I'm not following," I told her.

"Three different couples from my graduating class are divorcing. And then Noah is divorced and I know that marriage was never good to begin with but still…I can't lose you," she whispered and looked so frail and vulnerable that I just couldn't help but hold her tight to me.

"I ain't going nowhere," I assured her, "I ain't nothing without you and I don't want you any way but how you are. Just calm down, Joanie. We can work this out. I know we can. I believe we can."

"Wha-what if we can't? What if I can't be what you need?" she asked, "What if now that you're getting established you can't be with a woman that doesn't meet you with a beer and supper when you get home?"

"Won't happen," I said, "You know what kind of woman I need? I'll tell you if you want to know."

She looked up at me waiting.

"Okay," I said, "I want, no I need, a woman who is very smart. I actually need one smarter than me because there's so much I still don't know. I need a woman who challenges me to try new things and be something I didn't think I could. I need a woman who reminds me daily that loving and revering her are all fine and good but I better never forget she can do anything I can do and probably do it better. I need a woman who never lets me forget that there are those worse off than I am and that it's my responsibility to help them. I need a woman who shows me the sides to life that I never would have seen if left to my own devices. I need a woman who cares so much that it sometimes starts to break her apart and I need a woman who sometimes needs me to help keep her together and even put her back together. That's my perfect woman. If she also has great big brown eyes and springy curls and lips that just beg me to kiss them then all the better."

"I have held you back so much," she lamented but I think I was making headway at least, "All your friends have children."

"Billy don't," I reminded her, "And I don't see Sherry budging on that until we're calling her doctor. That'll be about the same time you're passing your bar on the first try."

"I doubt it," she said and I knew she wasn't talking about Sherry but about the bar.

"Noah passed on his first try and you are every bit as smart as he is. You're probably smarter" I said, "And if you don't then you just take it again. It's not like your future boss is going to hold it against you. He told me once it took him three tries."

"I don't deserve you," she said and she finally started to relax.

"You're right," I agreed, "You deserve much better."

"Remember way back when we started dating and you asked me about my perfect man?" she asked, "You know, the one that I would want to marry?"

"I do," I said and I did. I remember thinking for the first time that I had a real shot with this girl and I remember being nearly over the moon at the very thought.

"Even then, I knew he was you."

Then she cuddled into me and sighed contentedly.

"Can I ask how your day was without sounding like June Cleaver?"

"If I can ask you about yours too," I said.

"Deal," she smiled at me.

Things were pretty much all better after that. I think I was on a tighter leash for a while. I know she knew I was hers and hers alone but I didn't dare spend too much time noticing a pretty waitress or mention how good looking a girl was. She wouldn't say anything and she didn't shoot me an angry look but there would be a hurt sort of look come over her and I never wanted to cause nothing like that. I think all it took was me mentioning the pretty new English teacher just once and I kept thoughts like that to myself for a good long while. I won't say things were all okay but at least I knew where her worries came from and once I knew about a worry with her I could usually head it off before it got ugly. I will never forgive myself for letting things get that bad for her. She had some ugly episodes all through her life but that was the worst for sure and if I had been paying attention to her it never would have gotten that far.

I don't know how long it took for us to be totally alright but I will say we were acting near to normal when we went for Sunday dinner at Sam and Emma's just days after Joanie had that little episode. We walked in and everyone looked at us like they weren't sure that we weren't going to fall apart. Billy and Sherry was there and I had to pass Sherry on my way to the kitchen to help Emma with that stupid platter. Now that platter was really an excuse for me to go in and give Emma a hug and kiss. I don't know why I thought I needed an excuse to greet my own mom but it was how we did things. Anyway I didn't make it straight to Emma because Sherry grabbed my arm. I have to say I was scared. Sherry had a wicked right cross and that was just the one punch I had seen. I know she probably had more in her repertoire.

"We need to talk," she said under her breath and my blood ran cold. I had so far been slapped by both Cohen sisters and that was no fun but Sherry didn't waste her time slapping. If she wanted to hit me, I was going to be staring at the ceiling and she was a girl which wasn't even fair since I couldn't even fight back. I just stared at my feet and nodded.

"Do I even need to tell you what I will do to you if you ever hurt my friend like that again?"

"No you don't," I told her still not daring to make eye contact.

"Jimmy, we've always been friends and I try not to get into the whole who I was friends with first and all but for the record I was friends with her first."

"I know."

"You know you're the whole reason I gave Will a chance, remember?"

I nodded.

"You don't know the whole story," she went on, "I gave him that second chance at your wedding on your request but when he asked me out a few days after I said yes because of you too. I thought back to how you looked and acted when I first met you and then how you never once let her down. Even when she tried to break up with you, I could still call you to help her. I took a chance on Will because of the man you are, or at least the man I thought you were. I'm not sure I even know you anymore."

I looked at her then and I just stared at her dumbfounded. Her eyes were moist and she was trying not to cry.

"I was scared to go to college," she told me, "I can take care of myself but I always had my brothers around before and when I met you it was like I had one of my brothers around. I know you always came to take care of her but I somehow felt like if I needed you that you'd come for me too."

"I would've," I whispered, "I really would've."

"Are you and Joanie going to be alright?" she asked finally.

"I wondered for a while but I think we are now," I said, "I been doing a lot of apologizing to a lot of people and I forgot you. I am so sorry, Sherry. I'm glad you got the good one though. Billy won't ever hurt you like I hurt Joanie."

"I might not ever be able to forgive you for making me doubt that," she hissed at me, "Yeah he turned her away but I never thought you could do what you did. Now I know that any man could maybe and Billy gets so much attention from women." She paused and took a breath, "Damn you!"

"I'm sorry, Sherry," I told her, "I really am."

It's amazing how many people get affected by one person's mistake. You wouldn't think it but it's true. Of course I think my mistake hit at just the right time to really hit some of the people in my life. Theresa was already feeling vulnerable in her womanhood and Sherry being newly married was still feeling out the whole role of being a wife and what it meant to her and what having a husband meant. Marriage is a personal thing and we might come in with some thoughts on it and we might have people tell us what it's supposed to be or look like or mean. But only we can really figure those things out for ourselves and it's a constant process but some parts are more fragile than others. Sherry and Billy hadn't been married a whole year yet and Sherry held insecurities that others probably wouldn't guess. She put a hand on my arm and looked at me sadly.

"I know you are and maybe we'll be okay again too. I hope so. I'd hate to lose a friend like this."

There wasn't much more for us to say at that point. I hated that I made Sherry question Billy and how he loved her. She never had a thing to worry about. Whatever he was like before he met her, he never really even thought about another woman once she was his. Bill Cody is a good man and don't let anyone else ever tell you different.

Sometime after we ate, Jesse pulled me aside.

"You and Joanie ain't splitting up, are you?" he asked.

"No we are not," I replied, "We're working things out. What brought this on all of a sudden? Me and Joanie've been having trouble for a few weeks and you never said anything before now."

"I don't want everyone falling apart," he said softly looking away.

"What do you mean everyone? Are Sam and Emma doing alright?"

"Yeah, Sam's been busy at work but they're great."

"Buck and Carol are better than ever and Ike and Annie are near to giddy about that new little one coming," I went on, "Who's falling apart, Jesse?"

"Something's wrong with Al and Rachel," he told me.

That worried me too. Al deserved to get back a little of what was taken from him with Lucille's death and thinking that things might already be on the rocks with them concerned me something fierce. I had thought that they seemed a little tense but hadn't gotten involved before. I might not've then either but Jesse was still learning to trust in things and I needed to see to it that he understood whatever happened.

"Would it help you if I talked to the old man?" I asked, "I'm sure they're not falling apart but would it help anyway?"

Jesse nodded and smiled at me sheepishly. He was a good kid and just wanted the family to stay together. I know he hadn't wanted Al and Rachel getting together in the first place but it had been a while since she had been his teacher and he was more concerned with Al being happy than anything else. Jesse needed to believe that a family could stick together and be there for each other and not get ugly and hurtful.

I found Al on the porch and was glad no one else was around.

"Hey Al," I started and knew that beating around the bush wasn't going to do me any good so I just came out with it. "Is something wrong with you and Rachel?"

"Jimmy, nothing's wrong and if it was I wouldn't be chatting about it with you."

"Something seems wrong and you got poor Jesse worried as all get out," I said, "What's going on with you two?"

"Rachel thinks she might be…well, that she might be in a family way," he replied finally, "We hadn't really thought about such a thing happening and I don't think either one of us knows how to feel. She took a test at the doctor's office Friday but we won't know until tomorrow."

"She's going to have a baby?" I asked incredulously. I knew, of course, that a man could father a child until he died and that Rachel wasn't exactly an old lady but still there are things you don't let yourself imagine and people you specifically don't imagine doing those things. They were married and I guess I knew that they were intimate and all but this was Al. He was like a father to me and even with a beautiful woman like Rachel was, I didn't want to think about that.

"We don't know nothing for sure, Jimmy," he answered, "Don't say nothing to anyone else. Worst thing is that I ain't so sure I want her to be and I think she wants to be in the worst way."

"But you two never talked about having kids?"

"No we didn't. I don't think it occurred to her that she wanted them still but now that it might be, I think she's praying for that test to tell her she's expecting. I'm not sure if I can match her excitement and if she ain't I'm not sure I could share her sadness. And what if she ain't but she wants to try for one? How do I tell her that I don't? I got my kids, Jimmy and they're all grown. I've started on grandkids even. What would I do with a baby?"

"I don't have much place to give advice right now with how bad I messed up my own marriage and it feels wrong to try to give it to you anyway," I told him, "I only know that talking to Joanie and telling her the truth is usually the right thing to do. Don't always fix everything but comes closer to it than anything else I try."

"How'd you get so smart?" he asked me with a smile trying to take over the corners of his mouth.

"Listening to you."

* * *

><p><strong>Hmm...well this took roughly forever but in my defense, I have been busy. I finished one epic! And the kids are getting out of school and I have other stories too. Busy I say...plus the baby girl is getting married next month. I have stuff! Lots of stuff!<strong>

**Also, I have to share this! My dearest, darlingest baby sister came to visit me all the way from Texas! Oh I cannot even tell you how wonderful it was to have her come visit! Anyway, I took the opportunity to introduce her to the TYR boys. She is now completely hooked and has begun her first TYR fanfic! She has written for a number of other fandoms as well. Needless to say when the first chapter of her story was published I was kvelling! There has never been a prouder big sis! So if anyone has noticed a new face here answering to the name Gratiae...that is my baby sister. She is super talented and amazing and has fallen head over heels for Ike who I think is oft neglected so that is awesome too. That is all...I'll try to get to the next chapter of this before too long.-J**


	86. Chapter 86

The next day I was in my office working like normal. Being a Monday I'd get busy in the mornings with whatever the kids had been through over the weekend and then by afternoon it would die down. They didn't have school problems on Mondays. Most were too relieved to be somewhere other than home for a change. Check back with me long about Wednesday and my office was full of kids who had mouthed off or worse. I guess it was enough into the afternoon that I was starting to think about the dismissal bell and wondering if I had gotten enough of my paperwork out of the way to leave with the kids or if I ought to stay a while longer and get more done. I heard someone come through the door into my office and wondered which of my kids hadn't been able to see me in the morning or had gotten themselves in trouble so early in the week. I can tell you I never imagined in a million years I'd see the face I did right then. Al was standing on the other side of my desk looking awkward. It felt weird to have him look at me like he did right then. He had never been to my office before. This was my place where I was in charge and I was used to being in his place where he ran the show. I nodded to the chairs and he picked one and sat down.

I kept waiting for him to say something, anything. He was usually a man of far too many words and his silence was worrying me pretty bad. He was like the patriarch of our little family and if anything was wrong with anyone, he'd be just about the first to know and it would be on him to get the news out. Of course I had kind of a one-track mind at that point in time.

"What's wrong?" I asked and didn't even wait for him to answer, "Is it Kid? Has there been news?"

Of course I kicked myself later for not remembering the man had some things on his mind that day. If I hadn't been so taken aback by his appearance in my office, I might have thought of that first but I didn't.

"No, there's no news," he said looking tired and older than he ever had to me before and the thing was when I look back he wasn't that old at all, really. "I just left the doctor's office with Rachel."

Yeah, I should have thought of that first and I felt like a heel for not thinking of it.

"Is she?" I asked.

He only nodded and I could tell he needed a place where it was okay to not be excited about the news. I just stayed quiet. It's not something I would have done in my younger days but one of the benefits of the education I got was knowing when to keep my yap shut and just let someone else talk. It never did come easy to me but knowing and using that knowledge is half the battle I think.

"I passed up forty a few years back, Jimmy," he said looking helpless which is not a look I think I had ever seen on him. Of course falling in love and giving into it will out us in many situations we never been in before. "I got no business fathering no babes."

I wasn't used to this man looking to me for the answers and that was the moment it hit me that I had become his equal when I wasn't paying attention. It does happen. I mean the man was always like a father to me and all but even with our kids we do come to a point where we recognize they are adults and that sometimes we can even look to them for help. And that's what was happening right then. He was looking to me for some kind of guidance. I wasn't really sure I had any to offer. I couldn't even imagine what was going through his head at that time. I was looking forward to when me and Joanie could start on having a kid or two. But then I was twenty-five years old too. Ain't nothing wrong with fathering kids at that age. Really ain't much wrong with fathering them at any age but I guess I knew a little of where he was coming from. I wasn't even sure how to start talking to him about it but then a thought occurred to me.

"Did you and Lucille want kids?"

"We did," he said and I could still see that hurt over losing her. Don't misunderstand me, he loved Rachel and he would never have chosen another over her but Lucille was his love and even though she wasn't his first wife, I think she was his first love. It never stopped hurting that he lost her. "We dreamed of the family we would have. She would have been a wonderful mother and she even convinced me I wouldn't be too shabby a father."

"She was right," I interjected and Al sort of nodded. I think it did mean something to him that I thought that. I hope it did anyway.

"She got sick before we were able to have any children," he continued, "When I ran into you and Kid, I don't know…I just knew she would have wanted to take you in. She was always wanting to take in strays—dogs, cats, even wounded birds. She would have had so much love for you—for our own if we'd had any too."

"So it's just how old you are that's bothering you?" I asked.

"I raised my kids, Jimmy," he told me. "I came to everyone of you late in the game but I raised you all the best I knew how. I got what's got to be close to grandkids now. What am I doing having a baby?"

"Well technically you aren't having it," I said in what I knew was a failed attempt at levity, "Rachel's having it."

The look I got told me to try a different tact right away.

"It might be nice to start at the beginning with one. I'll bet if you got to raise one all the way up he wouldn't end up the delinquent mess that I did and with Rachel for a mom he'd be a lot smarter than any of us had a chance to be."

"I ain't saying a part of me don't want this," he told me, "And I love seeing Rachel this happy. I haven't been able to offer her much for normal what with having Lou staying for a while right when we got hitched and everything that's come after. She thought she'd never have a chance to be a mother. I might be like a father to you but you already have a mother. I think she don't quite feel she's got a place."

"We love Rachel," I protested knowing that he was probably right and the fact that we love her didn't change the fact that she wasn't Emma and no matter how much she loved us, we would never see her as a mom like we did Emma. I guess it didn't occur to me until right then that she might feel a little left out of our circle or at least unsure of her place in it. I kind of felt bad that maybe she had mothering that needed to go somewhere just like Emma did but had nowhere to put it.

"It ain't the same," Al pointed out and I think he figured that I already knew that.

"Well, not to spend too much time pointing the obvious," I said, "But the baby's coming and your wife is happy about it. Seems maybe you need to focus on any parts in you that are happy and make the best of it. I'll bet you won't even be thinking about your age once you have that little bundle in your arms."

"Maybe," he said but he didn't sound convinced. I hoped it would work out. I loved that man. He had been there for me when no one else would have wanted to be. He didn't just do that for the memory of Lucille. He really felt that love for us and taught us near to everything we knew about being loving people. If any of us were decent fathers and I'm proud to say that we all did pretty well, it was because of that man and what he gave us.

It got me thinking though, talking to Al about the baby coming. I guess Joanie and I had both mentioned having babies at one time or another but then we really hadn't talked a lot about it. It worried me that we might at some point not end up on the same page and my Joanie was one that might try to pretend she still wanted something even if she had changed her mind about something. The last thing in the world I wanted ever was my girl carrying a child and putting herself through all that if maybe she didn't want to anymore. It was a scary thought though because I really always saw us with kids. I mean I was scared half out of my mind to be a dad. I didn't know anything about it that I didn't learn from Al or a book but if we both wanted the same things and worked together then I knew somehow I would manage. I could always go to Al for advice or Mr. Cohen or Uncle Eli. They had raised kids up right and good and I knew they would help me and not judge if I floundered a little. There would be worse things than needing help being a parent. Joanie living a life she didn't want would be far worse.

I decided that I had done enough paperwork. If I hadn't I knew I could catch up the next day. Most of my troublemakers didn't really get revved up until at least Wednesday so Tuesdays were pretty tame. I left at the dismissal bell and headed home to get some supper started. Joanie was really pushing herself and I wanted her to be able to come home and relax. I never expected it from her to treat me like that stereotypical TV housewife would treat a husband but I know on days when I had a lot on my plate, she somehow knew it and she was waiting with the pan of kugel and a cold beer. So I decided that if she was busting her hump as hard as she was for our future that I could toss a casserole together and pop it in the oven so she could just relax.

When she did come home I was just opening some wine and tossing together a salad. There was a time when there was probably nothing in my fridge but bologna, bread and beer and there I was chopping tomatoes and letting wine breathe. I couldn't help but smile at the change. I don't know if I would have known before I met her that this was the life I wanted but I was grateful for it because it made me happy.

Her eyes met mine and she looked relieved to see me in the apron with the smell of supper wafting to her.

"Did you get out of work early?" she asked and I nodded.

"Why don't you get changed and I'll have everything on the table when you come out."

She went into the bedroom and honestly she looked so tired I was half thinking she'd just pass out on the bed. It wouldn't be the first time. More than once I had gone in and she had made it out of her skirt and blouse but not into jeans and she was just sprawled on the bed. It really wasn't fair of her to do that to me. I'm just a man after all but she usually woke up alright and came out to eat. It worried me so bad sometimes how she was working herself so hard. She had a full load of tough classes and then work. You might not guess this by how many lawyers there are these days but law school is hard work. She loved it though. I could tell. She'd talk to me about cases she was studying for school or for her dad and uncles and her eyes would light all up and dance around with how excited she was for it all. She might have thought that going to school still and looking at a career was pushing me away but she couldn't have been more wrong. I loved her all the more when she came to life like that. It was damn sexy is what it was.

I was just getting the casserole out of the oven and I turned to put it on the table when I saw her out of the corner of my eye. She was in her jeans and t-shirt and leaning against the doorway with a smirk on her face.

"What?"

"Just admiring the view," she said.

I thought she was teasing me and started to take off the apron. I don't know so much why I was wearing it since I had changed out of my suit as soon as I got home anyway. It's not like I was wearing good clothes but I was a really messy cook and I guess I just didn't want to have to change my clothes again once I was done cooking. I should probably also point out that this wasn't some apron that was meant for guys to wear while they grilled steaks or anything. This was Joanie's and it was something that one of her more traditional relatives had given her so it had ruffles on it. But it was better than having to change my clothes and the only person who was going to see me in it was someone who'd seen me in all manner of dress and undress already.

My hand didn't make it behind me to undo the tie before she stopped me.

"Please don't," she said softly and then she kind of dipped her head like she was embarrassed. "I like how you look in it."

So that was it. All the things we try to do to keep someone interested and all that time I just needed to toss on a frilly apron. I mean I know there was something to the needing the apron because I was cooking and she did admit that it had a better effect over the Levi's and plain t-shirt I was wearing than it would have over my suit. I never asked why that was and I don't know if she could have explained it if I did. There's lots of things I find attractive and I can't tell you why they turn me on but they do. Anyway, I sat down at the table apron and all and we had a nice meal. For a while…until I went and ruined it. Well, I'm not sure I would say I ruined the meal but I sure as hell tried.

"Joanie," I began and she looked up. I knew she could tell that what I had to ask or talk about was weighing on me pretty heavy and that I wasn't just about to ask about her day. "I wanted to ask you something kind of important. It's kind of been worrying me some today and I wanted to make sure about things, really make sure and not just assume."

"James, that might be the strangest way you have ever started a conversation," she said trying to mask the fear of whatever I was about to ask, "And that is saying something with you. Just ask because you are beginning to frighten me."

"Do you really want kids?" I asked and then jumped to explain before she could even answer or try to answer. "I mean I know you love children and I know you love babies but, well, things are complicated and hard and you get such joy from school and work and maybe things we thought were a given…well, maybe they don't have to be. I mean we never really talked about it. We mentioned babies and kids and stuff like that but we never really talked about really having them. Or how many or really anything at all beyond just the assumption that we would have them. I just want to make sure that things I think are really things you still want. Because I want you, Joanie. Just you. I would love to have kids with you, I really would. But not if you don't want to. It's important to me that you know that."

The look on her face was something I thought I was saving myself from seeing and yet I caused it. I know I have told you before that sometimes a man hits on just the right thing to say. Right then was an example of what happens the rest of the time. The rest of the time we say stupid things that make everything worse. It doesn't even matter the intentions we have because my intentions were good. I thought I was heading off a potential problem and maybe even helping her but her face right then was so wounded I knew I had failed miserably.

"You don't really want children, do you?" she said softly, "I'm close to finishing school and we could start trying to have them soon and you don't want them. Or you think I can't handle it. You think I am too crazy to handle children. You don't trust me with them. Oh my God! You think I wouldn't be a good enough mother to your babies!"

Her voice kept getting louder and shriller and I realized with every word and every increase in volume and pitch how badly I had just messed up.

"Joanie, nothing could be farther from the truth," I stammered.

"Then why would you even ask me something like that?" she asked, her voice becoming very soft once again. "You know how it jabs at me every time I see someone getting to that point and having things that I still have to wait for. You know how I hate myself for how jealous I am of Buck and Carol and Ike and Annie and even Lou. She might not have her man and my heart breaks for her but she has those boys. You know I damned near begged you to let us take in Jesse and you know how happy I was to have Theresa here. How could you even ask me that question unless it was you who had the second thoughts?"

"I just," I began and then found myself at a loss for finishing. She wasn't right about everything but I think at least a part of me worried that with her nervous nature that motherhood would be too much for her and I couldn't stand the thought of losing her or seeing her overwhelmed and unable to cope. I never thought she would be a bad mother. Actually, I knew she would be the best and still try to be the best wife and lawyer and she would run herself right into the ground. Whatever I told myself about being on the same page, I was worried for her. "I do worry that you try to be too perfect. I don't think I like admitting that all the time. You are not crazy but you take on too much sometimes and you suffer for it. You would never let our children suffer for it but you would work yourself to collapse to not let anyone down and that might kill me, Joanie. And I had a visit from Al today that got me thinking that it's better to talk things out that push them aside."

"Rachel got her test results?"

"Yeah she did and she's going to have a baby," I answered, "She's over the moon about it. You can't tell another living soul this but Al ain't so sure about this and he's having a hard time being as happy about it as she is. I don't want that to be us. I don't want you sitting there going through with something because it's what you think I would want or what we said we would have before we really knew what this real life stuff was like."

"I still want it," she said, "I get scared sometimes but maybe everyone does. I know I try to do too much. Maybe you can keep me from doing that. But please don't ever doubt that I want your children. It's important. I have always seen myself with children someday but it's important that you know that it is your children I want. I want to sing them to sleep and light menorah with them and go for picnics with them and take them to the cabin. I want to cheer on little league games and dance recitals and take them to the zoo and kiss scraped knees and comfort them when they have a nightmare. I want it for you too. I want you to see the man you truly are. I want to see you checking for monsters under the bed and reading bedtime stories. Remember you read me the Santa Claus poem that one time? I want you to do that every Christmas Eve. I want you to teach your son to throw a football and glare down the boys that your daughter brings home. We can have that, James."

I had rarely seen her speak so passionately before or since. I have seen her give closing arguments in a court case. I had seen her writing speeches about equality and peace and all the things that mattered to her. But the truth was nothing mattered to her as much as the two of us and our little family. Nothing could bring the emotion she was showing me like that could. She made it sound so good too. All the fears I had about being a father—and I admit to more than a few—vanished for those few moments while she was speaking. I told you that when she spoke of things that meant a lot to her that she got a fire in her eyes that was so sexy to me. Right at that moment she could not have been sexier. There was something about her faith in me. Oh, that ain't it…it was her faith in us. It reached in and grabbed my heart or maybe even my soul and reminded me of why I asked her to marry me, why I cared so much that first day about having hurt her feelings, why that ring on my finger was my proudest possession. It was like she shook me and made me remember why we fought so hard for what we had. I think that was when I knew she had forgiven me for what I had done with Rosemary too. She hadn't forgotten and she wasn't all done being hurt by it but she had forgiven me.

I decided that the dishes could wait and I got up and sauntered over to her getting goose bumps the whole time by the way she looked at me wearing that apron. I lifted her out of her chair and carried her to our bedroom.

"So you like the apron, do you?" I asked before I kissed her neck. She whispered something back to me that ain't none of your business and after that I guess we worked through a whole mess of emotions and fears and hurt. Exactly how we did it ain't your business either.

* * *

><p><strong>Being married is hard work...I think he's doing alright...and can anyone blame Joanie for being a little turned on by the apron? Oh sigh!-J<strong>


	87. Chapter 87

As you can probably guess, the women set to getting excited about the baby and Joanie set to looking happy and excited even though she was miserable. It's a tough thing to wait sometimes. She was doing what she needed to and even doing something she loved but she had always known that she wanted to be a mother and seeing everyone around her with little ones or swollen bellies was real hard for her. She wasn't just pretending to be happy for them. She was. She really was. She was just jealous and sad. Every month that her period came around, she seemed to get a little lower. I did what I could for her. I told her we needed to keep in practice so that when the time was right we'd be ready to go. She'd giggle a little at me then and I'll say she was no less passionate. She got even closer to Sherry during that time. I know Sherry wanted kids too. She came from a big family and wanted one of those herself and now that she was married a part of her felt like she ought to be able to start on that. But she was still finishing school herself. She was in the process of writing her thesis for her doctorate and that was a lot of work. Billy complained how little time they got together but in true Bill Cody fashion smiled and said they made the most of the time they had. I understood though. Between me working and Joanie in school and working, we didn't have the time we wanted to be together either.

We made it through Thanksgiving and into December. Annie was due about the middle of the month and I felt bad for the girl. She was huge with this kid and, while she never complained hardly at all, she looked miserable. Rachel was starting to get a decent belly on her as well. She was about five months along I guess and I ain't ever seen a woman so happy about having to let her waistbands out. She delighted in everything that had to do with the baby. I think even Al was catching some of her excitement. I knew he still wasn't sold on the idea but buying it wasn't really up for discussion, the baby was happening and he had to right himself with it or at least fake being alright with it. I think maybe he was starting to get okay about the whole fatherhood thing anyway. You could feel the baby move and the first time I saw Rachel take his hand and put it on her tummy for him to feel the kick, there was the same silly grin on his face I'd seen on Kid's face before and on Buck's and Ike's too. It's easy to get lost in that promise and no matter how scared you are about being a parent, those babies can suck you right in.

Yeah things were pretty good for our bunch right about then. And they got even better about the second week into December when we got the call from the hospital telling us that Ike had a new son. Keith was his name and Ike was beside himself he was so happy. We all went to the hospital the next day to bring flowers and fuss over little Keith through the window in the nursery.

That night, after we went to gawk at Keith and shower congratulations on Ike and Annie, Joanie and I sat down to supper.

"James," she began sounding sort of scared to talk. Joanie was a mystery to me sometimes. Through all the years and all we went through, I never quite understood how she could be so bold sometimes and challenge me and tease me so and then other times she would act almost frightened to speak. But maybe that was just more of her challenging me and maybe I needed that challenge. I never got bored with her; that was for sure.

"James, I wanted to talk to you about something."

I wiped my mouth and looked at her expectantly. She remained silent for so long though that I found I needed to speak. This was sometimes the way it was with her. She needed to talk and she knew what she needed to say but she still needed someone else to get the ball rolling.

"It's the beard, isn't it?" I asked. See, at that time a lot of guys started growing goatees and a lot of the folk singers she liked so well had them so I decided to grow one myself. I didn't tell her I was going to, I just did. I had some decent facial hair in those days and I started on Thanksgiving just shaving the parts around where the goatee would be and by the time I went to my office on Monday, I had a nice goatee. Or I thought it was nice. She hadn't really said much about it so now I thought maybe that was what she wanted to talk about and maybe she was afraid of hurting my feelings. "You hate the beard. You can say it. It wouldn't take me but a few minutes to have it gone."

"I like the beard," she said softly, "I think it's kind of sexy and it shows off your dimples."

I was glad to hear it since I kind of liked it myself. I would have shaved it off in a heartbeat if she didn't like it though. I didn't even know I had dimples.

"What is it then, sweetheart?"

"I'm going to stop taking the pill," she said quietly as if she thought I might yell, "It's hard on my body and the doctor said that I need a few months off of it before I try to get pregnant. I only have one more semester. I've been on the stupid thing so long…"

Her voice just trailed away. I wasn't sure what I was supposed to say next.

"Then I guess I ought to make a trip to the drug store pretty soon," was all I could come up with.

"You don't have to," she barely squeaked out.

I just looked at her.

"I probably can't get pregnant for another month or two anyway and by then if I did I wouldn't be due until well after I'm done with school. Nothing has to change."

Now I know some guys make a big deal out of wearing a rubber but I was never one of them. Yeah it feels pretty damned good to go without one but I never had a problem with them too much.

"I ain't above using a rubber," I said, "It don't change all that much of anything."

"St-" she began but I tensed and she stopped right there.

I reached out for her and trailed my fingers down the side of her face.

"I'm sorry," I said and I never been sorrier. "If I was any kind of man you'd already know how beautiful you are. You wouldn't still think about what he told you. You'd know how wrong he was. I don't think I did a good enough job of that anyway and then I made you doubt me. I'm sorry, Joanie. I'm so sorry."

Tears were silently falling down her cheeks and she turned those big brown eyes up at me.

"You really do love me, don't you?"

"More than I think I'll ever be able to show you."

I think Joanie felt better after that talk. Well, she felt better about me and about us. She still had a hard time with all the babies and kids around. I guess we didn't get too much time to ponder things because three days after our trip to the hospital to see Keith, I got another call and this one wasn't happy.

I was in my office and it was maybe mid-morning so when I answered the phone I thought it would be work related. Joanie was in class and hardly anyone else ever called me at work.

"Hickok," I said pinning the receiver against my ear with my shoulder so I could get out some papers I needed to go over.

"Jimmy?"

It was Al. Of all the people who never called me at work, Al topped that list. Then again, things were changing because he once had topped the list of people who had never visited me at work and only a couple months before he had done that. Something in his voice said this wasn't a shoot the breeze kind of call.

"What's wrong?" I asked as the dread overtook me. There were so many things he could be calling about that would warrant that tone.

"I brought Rachel to the hospital this morning," he said, "She was having pains. They still won't let me in to see her, Jimmy."

He sounded so helpless. Al wasn't a man who did things halfway and that included loving. I knew that from being one of his unofficially adopted kids but if I ever doubted it, hearing him right then confirmed how much he loved Rachel. They weren't just together because they'd both been lonely. He didn't marry her just to have someone; he married her because he was so consumed with love for her that he couldn't think of doing anything else.

"I'll be right there," I said and hung up.

He had never failed to be there when I was at my lowest. Hearings, court proceedings, contentious meetings with old Hannity…he was there. He and Emma, almost like real parents and exactly like real family. There was no way I could leave him sitting in a hospital waiting room alone. He'd never let me sit alone like that. I knew it in my heart then and he proved it to me down the road.

I grabbed my coat and flew out of the office stopping only briefly to let Florence know that I had a family emergency and had to leave for the day. Then I nearly ran to my car and headed for the hospital.

I found Al in a waiting room. I'm not sure I can describe the look on his face. There was some of the pain I remember from him telling me about Lucille and there was fear. He suddenly looked both older and younger than I had ever seen him.

"Has there been any word?" I asked and Al just shook his head. We sat there for a long while before Al spoke.

"It's too early for the pains, Jimmy," he said, "She was bleeding too. I can't lose her. I never got over losing Lucille but Rachel made that hurt less. I love her, Jimmy, I really do."

"I know," I told him, "She loves you too. She's a good woman."

He nodded and I could see the moisture in his eyes. He wasn't going to let the tears go around me and that was alright. I wasn't sure I could handle if this man who had been so strong for me started crying. I just put a hand on his arm. All I could really do is let him know I was there. For what it was worth—and I knew it wasn't worth that much—he wasn't alone. I tried to put myself in his shoes and just couldn't let my mind go to any place where I might lose Joanie. We both looked up when a man stepped into the doorway.

"Mr. Hunter?" the man in the white coat inquired and Al jumped up. I got up too and stood behind Al.

"How's Rachel? Is she alright?" Al asked and his voice was getting frantic. I had never heard that from him. He was the one who always kept his cool when the rest of us lost ours.

"We're giving her medication to stop the contractions," the doctor said, "If we can stop labor, she'll have to have complete bed rest for the remainder of her pregnancy."

"And if you can't?" Al asked as if he didn't really want to know.

"If we can't stop it then this baby is being born today. It can't live this early."

"Can I see her?"

"Once we can stabilize her condition then we'll send for you," the doctor turned to walk away but Al reached and grabbed at the sleeve of his white coat making him turn back to face us.

"I lost one wife," he said, his voice small and frail which were two words I never thought I'd attribute to Al Hunter. "She's…she…she's going to be alright, ain't she?"

Before the doctor could answer a nurse ran up to him. I remember her hair was starting to come loose from the bun she wore under those little starched hats they had back then and her shoes squeaked on the floor. She whispered something to the doctor.

"Mr. Hunter, your wife is having a reaction to the medication. We have to discontinue."

"Reaction?"

"Her lungs are filling with fluid," he said and I could see the shift in his body language as he readied to go to serious work with serious consequences.

"Just save her," Al pleaded, "Whatever else happens, just save her."

The doctor gave a nod that was barely noticeable and ran off in the direction the nurse came from.

Al turned to me and the color was gone from his face.

"I can't lose her," he said, "I just can't."

"I know," I said and I did too. We all thought times was so modern then and they were and they are even more so now but women still have miscarriages and women still die in childbirth and things still go wrong. I knew how he felt. If anything threatened to take my Joanie from me, I don't know what I would do. Just the thought that I would come home with no one to talk to, no one to cook for, no bouncing brown curls greeting me—it was like a punch in the stomach to even think that there were things so far out of my control that could take her from me. And the talk we had just had about her stopping her pills kept echoing through my head. We'd had a good roll, our little group, all healthy babies and mothers. I was terrified to think our luck might be running out. We hadn't been terribly careful since she stopped taking them but then we knew that it might be a while before we had to be. Still I was stopping at the drug store later. I knew I couldn't put it off forever but right then I was legitimately spooked and the only thing I could think of was someday sitting in that waiting room myself and praying that nothing happened to my sweet girl.

It seemed like forever before the doc came in again. This time he looked like the doctors on TV when they had been in surgery. He wasn't bloody but he was wearing scrubs and he looked so serious. I wasn't sure what to do for poor Al. We both jumped up and looked at the doctor expectantly.

"Mr. Hunter, your wife is stable," he said sliding the cap from his head and looking exhausted. "We weren't able to stop labor. The baby didn't even take a breath. It was a boy. When you're ready you can go to the nurse's station and someone will take you to your wife's room. She's sedated right now."

With that he turned and left leaving us to just look after him.

"Rachel's okay," I said but by then he was on to thinking about something else.

"A son, Jimmy," he whispered blankly, "A son. I would have had a son. He would have been mine and hers and had my name and everything. I wasn't even thinking about the baby before, Jimmy. I was so worried about her. I don't think I realized before but I really wanted that baby. I was really looking forward to that baby."

I didn't even know what to say but he kept talking anyway.

"She's going to be devastated," he said, "I have to go to her. I have to hold her. I don't even know what I can say to her right now. What do I say?"

"There aren't words for hurt like this," I told him, "Just hold her. Let her know you're hurting too. Be there and listen to whatever she needs to say. She'll be alright in time. She ain't the first woman to lose a baby but she'll need you for a while."

He turned and looked so raw I almost had to look away from him.

"You'll come with me to see her, won't you?"

"Yeah," I said, "I'll come for a little while."

We found a nurse and followed her down the hall and then we slowly walked into the room. Rachel was asleep. I had always thought Rachel was a beautiful woman but sleeping there with her blonde hair around her on the pillow, she looked a little like an angel and even a little like a sleeping child. I hung back against the wall while Al walked over to the bed. There was a chair there but he sat on the edge of her bed. He stroked her face gently and I saw her stir and squint her eyes. She smiled a moment before the day's events came back to her and her face crumbled. One hand flew to her mouth and the other to her belly which no longer housed a baby. She just started shaking her head.

"No," she sobbed, "No, Al please."

I know she was begging him to tell her somehow she wasn't feeling what she was feeling or that some miracle occurred and a baby barely five months along lived. That doesn't happen even today with all the advancements that have come along.

"I'm sorry, Rachel," he said softly, "God I am so sorry."

I was sitting there trying to figure if I should say something to excuse myself or just slip away. I didn't really have any place being there right then. This was private between the two of them and I know that if me and Joanie was going through something like that I wouldn't really appreciate an audience.

"Was it a boy or a girl?" she asked, "Not that I suppose it matters all that much."

"It was a boy," he replied, "We would've had a son."

"Where is he?" she, well she didn't really ask as much as she demanded and her voice was starting to get frantic. "I want to see him. Where's my baby?"

Al looked helpless at me. It was something neither of us thought to ask. I kind of felt glad to be there right then because I could find out and Rachel wouldn't have to be left alone. I excused myself to go and do just that.

I went to the nurse's station and found a kindly looking woman sitting and filling out something on a chart looking like maybe it was the first time she had sat down all day.

"Excuse me," I said to get her attention and she looked up at me and offered a weary smile as she tucked her pen behind her ear and adjusted her little starched hat on her head.

"What can I do for you, sweetie?"

"I'm here with Rachel Hunter," I said, "I'm a family friend. She wanted to know where her baby is. Would you know something like that?"

The nice woman whose nametag read Marge turned toward her charts.

"Handsome young man like you and with a wedding ring besides," she said going through various files, "I thought you might be asking about your own wife or baby."

"No, I'm just here with the Hunters."

"Horribly sad business that," she said shaking her head as she pulled out Rachel's file. "The baby's dead, sweetie."

"I know that, ma'am," I told her, "But surely he has to be somewhere."

"Sure, the body is in the morgue waiting for instructions. Once we know where to send it—which funeral home, I mean—we'll release the body."

I went back to Rachel's room armed with the information.

"He's all alone in the morgue?" she said more than asked, "No, he can't stay there. I have to see him. I have to hold him."

Al looked at me and I studied her for a moment before I walked over and took the chair that was still sitting empty by the bed.

"Rachel, would you look at me a minute, please," I said and she did.

"You know he's not alive, right?"

I hated asking the question and I really didn't know what the response would be. If she was concocting a delusion that the child was alive and I challenged that it could get ugly.

"Yes," she said and her tears renewed, "I still want to see him. I want to hold him. He's still my baby."

That was really all I needed to know. I thought for a minute about it though. I know now they do let a mother hold a stillborn child. They wrap it in a blanket and let the mother hold it and the father too and other family that's there even. But in those days it didn't happen like that and a lot of people thought it was better that way. Maybe even for some women it was but it was a thought men had with little thought to what a woman might want. Men sometimes are out of sight out of mind people. And I've heard it said that while motherhood and a baby are real for a woman from the moment she finds out she's expecting, for a father it doesn't become real until he holds the child. I think there's some truth to that and if we didn't hold the child then it wasn't real and it's maybe easier to handle. But a woman who's been feeling that life moving inside her for months and been making decisions everyday based around that child's well-being, well, holding or not holding the child isn't going to make it more or less real to her. Saying goodbye and having at least that one moment to hold her child even if he's already dead, that can be real important to healing that hurt.

I kissed Rachel's forehead and set off to find the doctor. It took a lot of fighting and every bit of psychology I learned but I argued that doctor into letting us put Rachel in a wheelchair and wheel her down to the morgue and hold her baby boy just for a few moments. Al held him too and I think it was good for him. He had already realized how much he did really want that baby and I think he needed to right himself with everything he was feeling. Before he walked over to hold the body of his son, I pulled him closer and whispered to him.

"Some people don't name a baby that comes this early or never gets to take a breath but some do. It might help her to give him a name. There'll be a marker and I don't think she'll want it to just say 'baby boy', do you?"

I guess they settled on the name David. That's what's on the marker at any rate. I found a way to take my leave shortly after we got Rachel back into her room. She wasn't okay, not by a long shot but I knew she would be. I still worried for both of them though. I didn't have kids myself then but it don't take having them yourself to understand how it must hurt to lose one. Hell, I remember seeing little Timmy all sick in the hospital and how scared I was then and how sick I felt at the thought that he might die and he wasn't even mine. But this was their time to come together and help each other heal and I had no place in that. I would offer whatever help I could give even if it was only a listening ear or shoulder to cry on but the grief was for the two of them to recover from. It's helpless that feeling but that's the way it is. I know some stuff I went through down the road and some things Joanie and I did together probably frustrated my friends and family to no end that they couldn't do more but that's just how it is. Sometimes the most we can do is be there and offer our love. Usually that's enough too.

* * *

><p><strong>This was rough to write. My heart just breaks for Al and Rachel. I can't even be as excited about Keith McSwain. It's just horribly sad.-J<strong>


	88. Chapter 88

I got home that evening before Joanie but I didn't even think about cooking. I think she was contemplating being miffed at me for it and most nights she would have and should have. I was laying on the sofa with an arm over my eyes, still in the suit I wore to work mostly. I had gotten rid of the tie and jacket but I hadn't even taken my shoes off. Joanie peeked over the back of the couch. I heard her come in but just couldn't bring myself to move.

"James," she said and I could hear the annoyance in her voice. I wasn't even sure what she was about to get on me about. It might be having my feet on the couch with my shoes on or it might be just laying there and not at least tossing something in to cook for supper but when I moved my arm, whatever annoyance she had left her. I saw her hand fly to the star around her neck.

"What happened?" she asked in a near panic. It was a legitimate panic too. With all our friends and people we cared for and all their kids and then with Kid still in a jungle half a world away, well, the look I had on my face could hold some very bad news. It did too. I explained about Al calling me and what happened with Rachel and the baby. Joanie just crumbled. I know some of it was feeling guilty that she had envied Rachel for being pregnant but mostly she just felt so bad for Rachel and Al. It's horrible to hear of a baby dying and even worse when it's someone you love's baby. She was leaning on the back of the davenport and I just pulled her over and on top of me and held her. All the fear I felt earlier in the day about how I could lose her and all that came back. I couldn't hold her tight enough.

I guess things were okay after that. Keith was a cute little guy and I think seeing him helped the rest of us with our grief over little David who never got the chance to be cute and cuddly. Rachel and Al kind of kept to themselves and we all kind of let them. They had things to deal with.

Christmas rolled around and with it the huge get together at Emma's. Everyone was there but Al and Rachel. I was starting to think about heading over to their house when Al came in. I went over to see what was up since Rachel wasn't with him.

"She just couldn't do it," he said, "She can't be here with all these kids running around excited about Santa Claus and she sure can't look at Ike and Annie. It's killing her that she can't even be happy for them but she sees them and sees all she don't have that they do."

I nodded. I felt bad but I understood. Al stayed a while but not real long. I think his heart wasn't in making merry. I caught him as he was heading out the door and followed him onto the porch.

"You doing alright?" I asked.

"Sometimes I think I am but then I ain't sure I ought to be so I feel bad about that and other times I know I'm not alright."

"You know I'm around if you need to talk or something, right?"

"Yeah," he said, "I know that. I wish I knew what to say to Rachel. She wants to talk about trying again once the docs say it's safe. I don't know what to do. I wanted that baby more than I thought I could and I want a little one of my own. I do. I just don't know if I could risk anything happening to her again. You know she nearly died while they was trying to stop the pains? How can I want to ever put her in that danger again?"

"I don't know," I said, "Joanie wants to start trying soon and I don't even know if I can face that something could happen to her. But then I know how happy it would make her and I see the other guys with their little ones and I know that's what I want too."

We stood in silence for a little while watching the snow flutter down and hearing the jubilation from inside make its way onto the cold porch.

"Well, I guess I best be getting back," Al said shaking himself from his thoughts.

"Yeah," I said nodding back to the house where I knew I would be missed eventually. "You give Rachel my love, alright?"

He nodded and started to walk away but I put a hand on his shoulder and squeezed it.

"Merry Christmas, old man."

"Merry Christmas, Jimmy."

I guess things went to some kind of normal after Christmas. We went to the New Year's party and Judy had a new boyfriend. He was nice enough but I could tell it wouldn't last. I guess I was right too since I can't even remember the guy's name.

Joanie and I got home from the party and usually even if she was tired from dancing, she would be energized in a way too. The New Year always made her hopeful or something. But 1967 wasn't making her feel that way for some reason. She still cuddled close to me in the car on the way home and rested her head against my shoulder and that still had the power to make me feel like a king but there was something sad in her too. I know we had a rough year. We'd been dealing with Kid being gone and Lou and the kids getting adjusted and Jesse and Theresa were still together and as cute as ever. We'd seen friends in the joy of a new child and all the stresses that came with it and then seen the intense sadness when a child dies. And somewhere in there I had screwed up so royally that I thought I had lost her for good. I damn near did too. She had reasons to be sad but then she did every year. Everyone does if they look for them. Joanie didn't usually look for the sad things on New Year's though.

I watched her once we got home and she didn't even really look sad, more distracted. She hung up her coat and slipped off her heels and was starting to take out her earrings as she headed to the bedroom to change into her nightclothes. I don't think there had been five words between us since we left the party.

"Joanie," I began as I followed her into the bedroom untying my tie as I went. "You're so quiet tonight. What's on your mind?"

"Nothing," she said absently as she removed bobby pins that had held her hair into some fancy style or another. "Could you unzip me?"

I did and she let her dress fall away and started to get out of her bra so she could put on her nightgown. She set to work getting her pantyhose off while I was hanging up my tux I had just gotten free of.

"Something's distracting you," I said, "You've got your brain all occupied with something. If you're not talking to me about it then it's either that I messed up and you're saving this stupid thing I've done to combine with the next time I tick you off or that whatever you're thinking of is something you think will make me upset in some way."

She smiled at me as she shoved her feet into her slippers and padded out of the room and toward the kitchen.

"I'm going to get some tea," she explained, "Would you like a cup?"

"It's one of those talks, huh?"

"It might be," she answered.

We took our tea into the living room and cuddled up on the couch. We hadn't taken down the Christmas tree yet and the lights were twinkling and were pretty much the only light in the room aside from what was coming in from streetlights outside.

I was about to speak up and ask her what was going on again. She often needed prodding but she spoke before I had the chance.

"I want a baby, James," she blurted out.

"I know and we'll have one," I assured her, "We'll have two or three if you want. Maybe more if it makes you happy."

"I want one now," she clarified, "Well, you know. I want to start trying now. Even if I got pregnant tonight, I would only be five months along when school got out."

She looked at me as if she was frightened. I don't know if she thought I would yell at her or what and frankly I didn't know what to say. But the tears were standing in her eyes and I had to say something. I thought for a second and then decided to just go with the truth.

"I'm scared, Joanie," I confessed, "I guess a little bit of me is scared of it being too hard on you and you putting too much pressure on yourself but I'm scared of other things too. I'm scared I can't do this. That I can't be someone's dad. I don't know how. I don't want to mess up some other innocent kid like I see the ones at school messed up. I see Sam with Jesse and he can teach him things I can't. I don't know how to throw a football. How the hell can I teach my son to throw a football when I don't know how?"

"I think there are more important things than throwing a football," she whispered, "And you might have a daughter. You are not your father. You will be better. You'll know how, you just will. You'll love a child like they never knew how to love you."

"Maybe that's true," I admitted, "But I'm scared I could lose you. I see what Al and Rachel are going through. She nearly died, Joanie. He could have lost her and the baby. It's bad enough David died but he could have lost her too. I couldn't go on without you, Joanie. I just couldn't. I am nothing without you. Things can go wrong and I'm afraid."

She shifted herself onto my lap and stroked my face and kissed my cheeks. I don't know which of us was crying harder right then.

"Oh my love," she said through her tears, "Everyone's scared. The only thing you just did was make me fall more in love with you and make me want your child even more."

"That wasn't quite what I was aiming for," I half laughed through the tears that were slowing down but not quite stopped.

"I know," she smiled at me, "I'm an expert at fear though, James. There is no right time to do something that scares you and putting it off for that fated right time only gives you longer to build up more fear. Remember the day you helped move me into the dorms?"

I nodded.

"I said I couldn't do it but you said I could. I didn't go in that day because you told me I could do it. I went in because I knew when I couldn't do it alone that I wouldn't have to. I had someone to turn to. You're never alone, James. And if someday I am gone, you'll get along because you won't have to do it alone."

"I think you're wrong there, Joanie," I said seriously, "I don't think I could manage without you. But I guess you're right about that other part though."

I pulled her tight to me and kissed her deep. I could feel her hands running under my t-shirt. I stood up and brought her with me before breaking the kiss and giving her the best smile I had which might've been decent since my body was starting to feel the effects of that kiss and her hands.

"Unless you have any objections, I think I will just head into the bedroom and make love to my wife."

I raised an eyebrow at her.

"I think that sounds like a wonderful idea," she replied with her eyes twinkling.

Well these things take time and we didn't get pregnant right away. Isn't that funny how I talk about us like we both would've been pregnant? I know it was her but it was _our_ baby we're talking about after all. Anyway, it didn't happen right away for us. But it did for someone else.

We got the news in February that Sherry was expecting. She looked terrified but then she was still finishing her thesis and had a lot on her plate. I think still she was happy about it. Billy was beaming but I could tell he was a little nervous too. I think every man is, especially at the first one. It's a big thing and we don't think about it near as much as women do when they're growing up. But somehow I figured he'd land on his feet. He had a real dad and mom anyway and he had Al and Emma too. It was Sherry I worried for a little bit more.

I found her sitting in the living room at Emma's looking out the front window at the snow.

"You doing alright?" I asked her.

"Sure," she said offering half a smile.

"That wasn't all that convincing."

"I'm a little sick feeling," she admitted, "That's normal, you know. And maybe I'm a little scared. I know I am being silly but I still feel a little scared."

"Not silly at all," I said, "I'm a little scared of this whole thing too and Joanie ain't even knocked up yet."

"I keep trying to still be mad at you for what you did with that terrible woman," she told me scowling, "But then I think you are too sweet sometimes and I just can't."

"I wouldn't blame you if you never forgave me. I told Joanie the same thing."

"Remember I said once that I always thought you'd be there for me if I needed you?"

I nodded, "I would too. Just say the word."

"I'm kind of missing my brothers right now," she nearly whispered, "They can always just drag me into a hug and make me feel safe and like everything's going to be alright. Will does too but then I don't think he understands why I'm fearful. I could really use a big brother hug right now."

I just opened my arms to her and she fell into them. I hugged her tight and I don't know who was actually comforting who but we both got something out of this.

"Exactly what are you doing with my wife there, Jimmy?" Billy asked as he walked into the room.

"Sometimes a girl needs a brother," I told him without batting an eye, "And sometimes a guy needs a sister. Nothing more."

I released Sherry and began to walk away.

"I am happy for the two of you, you know. I really am. You two are going to be great at this and that kid is going to be cute for sure…as long as it takes after Mom."

I added the last part and dodged one of Emma's throw pillows as I headed to the kitchen to see what help Emma or Joanie or Lou might need. Sam had redone the basement and had a TV down there the guys could watch a game on. I guess these days we call that a man cave. I was the only guy upstairs except for Bill who'd come up to check on his wife. I think I mentioned that there was more to that man than met the eye at first. I was heading in the direction of the basement but I had to make sure the ladies were all set.

Joanie followed me to the landing just inside the back door and put a hand on my shoulder. I could see she was having a hard time and I knew why. I just turned to her and wrapped my arms around her and held her tight to me.

"It's okay, sweetheart," I said, "It's going to happen for us too. It will. You'll see."

"I know," she whispered, "Of all the people in the world, I don't want to be jealous or angry at her but I can't help it."

"It's okay," I repeated, "Aside from me or Judy, she's the one who'd most understand. She knows you as well as we do. It's alright."

Well it was alright because the very next month we found out Joanie was expecting. She was only about a month and a half gone right then but they had blood tests and such that they could tell. She was due about mid October and she was over the moon about it. I was terrified still but I had something I had to get working on about then. Joanie was about to graduate law school and I wanted to do something super special and her being pregnant made it an even more perfect time. So May rolled around and I knew she was close to graduating and she'd be taking her bar the very next month so I loaded her in the 'Vette one day. I never got rid of that car. A Corvette is a special vehicle, a work of art you might even say. I kept it in perfect working order and cherry condition. So the weather was nice and sunny and a perfect day for a ride so I suggested we go for one. I started on the streets we took to get over to Emma's for dinner.

Joanie had been talking for a while about getting a house and it was time really. I was working a good and steady job that was easily enough for us to have a house and live pretty well besides. Plus she was about to become a high powered lawyer. Well, there was a certain house that she'd always notice when we went over to Emma's. It was in a little nicer part of town and it was a decent sized house. I think you might call it Victorian but I had no idea then. It was old but had recently been restored as far as wiring and plumbing but you knew it still needed a coat of paint outside and probably in as well. Detroit was once called the Paris of the Midwest. In recent decades it's become more the Beirut and even then it wasn't as nice a place as it had probably been for our grandparents. So some of these nice old houses weren't in the best repair and with the trend to moving out to the suburbs, you could get a huge house in the city for less than a small house in the suburbs.

Anyway, every time we would drive by that house I could see Joanie's eyes lock onto it and a few months before she had noted out loud that it had a for sale sign in the yard. She only mentioned it the once but it was all she needed to. So this day I was playing like I was just driving with no real direction until we got near that house. I watched her face fall as she saw the sign out front now said 'sold' and I pulled up in the driveway.

"Why did you stop here?" she asked me. I didn't say anything at first. I just picked up her purse and fished around until I found her keys. I handed them to her and she knitted her brows together and just looked at me and then back to the key ring where she was fingering the ribbon I had tied around one key. "What does this key go to?"

I nodded to the house and said, "Why don't you see for yourself?"

I wasn't sure what all the look she gave me was about. It was happy and nearly crying and confused and I don't even know what. But she got out and walked to the front door. I was behind her a little ways. She tested the key in the lock and looked at me with tears streaming down her face when it turned.

"Happy graduation, Joanie," I said, "I am so proud of you. I hope you know that."

"You bought this house? It's really ours?"

"Yeah," I said, "I think it's more house than we need right now but we've got us a little start already on filling it up. It's got a nice yard out back. I could build a porch or deck thing like your folks have and maybe we could plant some flowers. The kitchen's huge and the dining room isn't part of the living room. I even have my own garage for when the car needs its oil changed or something."

She flew at me and wrapped herself around me and whispered low in my ear, "How about you show me where our bedroom is?"

Don't know many men would resist such an invite. We christened that house but good that night and then set to moving in and being free of the dinky apartment we'd been crammed into.

A couple of weeks went by and it was my birthday. Joanie had been real tight-lipped about her plans that year but that was alright. I figured with the end of law school and moving and the bar coming up that she hadn't had the time to do much. I was wrong.

We went over to Emma's and everyone was there. The only face missing was Kid and if she could have managed him being there I would never have asked for another birthday, Christmas or Chanukkah gift from anyone ever. But he still wasn't there. Everyone else was though. Ike and Annie and all three of their beautiful children, Buck and Carol and theirs, Jesse and Theresa beaming and holding hands. Lou with the boys. Billy and Sherry with her little belly bump. Emma, Sam and Sarah Jean and Al and Rachel. No one else got to know this that day because they were afraid to jinx it but she was pregnant. I prayed with all my might that this one would be okay and so would she. Uncle Eli and Aunt Naomi were there too and Mr. and Mrs. Cohen and Judy with whoever her boyfriend was at the time. Sometimes you realize how very rich you are. Emma cooked up a storm and Joanie made me a cake all decorated nice. There were lots of gifts for me and a card from Joanie. It was blank inside except for what she wrote.

"My dearest love, I will never be able to thank you for all you have done and all you have been to me. My law degree is as much yours as mine for I would never have managed it on my own. You are all I dreamed of when I dreamed of finding the perfect man and that's saying something because my own father set the bar pretty high. I have been planning this gift for a while. I didn't get you much for your graduation last year because I knew you weren't done, we weren't done until it all was finished. You do get a gift. It is at Al's garage waiting for you. I love you more than I will ever be able to tell you. My heart, my soul will always be yours. Happy birthday, James. Love, Your Joanie."

I looked over to her and she took my hand and led me out so we could get to the garage and she could show me. Everyone else followed and I got the idea that a couple knew what I was going to find but most didn't. We walked in and there, in the first bay where we'd usually pull in a car to fix it was a motorcycle. Not just a motorcycle, it was a Triumph TR6 Trophy. It was the same as what Steve McQueen rode in The Great Escape. Joanie, like most women at the time I guess, had a little thing for Steve McQueen. He was the kind of man that men wanted to be and women wanted to be with. Across the seat was my old leather jacket and a pair of black leather gloves and hanging from one of the handlebars was a black helmet. Michigan was new to the helmet law but it was the law and Joanie told me once that law or not she would throw her body in front of the bike before I rode it with no helmet.

I had no words. I had mentioned once or twice wanting a motorcycle and the only response I had ever gotten from my wife was that they were dangerous. To think she had been planning for at least a year to get me one. I just stared blankly at her and she smiled as she walked toward me. She rose onto her toes and kissed me.

"Take it out for a ride," she said, "We'll be at Emma's still when you get back."

I pulled on the jacket and gloves and fastened the helmet under my chin. I gave her a wink before slinging a leg over the seat and starting it up. There isn't much to rival having that level of power between your legs. I waved as I pulled out of the driveway. It was freeing and wonderful. I know I said my Joanie was special but it was times like that I understood just how lucky I was to have her.

* * *

><p><strong>I love the story right where it is...things are going so well for everyone...too bad it's almost summer...some of you might not know the significance of summer 1967 but some do and you all will in time. As for the motorcycle...there is damn little more sexy than Jimmy wearing those leather gloves...I wondered how I could get a city boy in the mid 1960's to wear them and thought motorcycle...incidentally I have found pictures of one Josh Brolin on a Triumph motorcycle...HOT!<strong>

**Also the stuff about Steve McQueen is true but I also wanted to use it because Josh Brolin actually got his name from the character Steve McQueen played in Wanted: Dead or Alive...a western series...so that connection was fun to make.-J**


	89. Chapter 89

My birthday fell on a Saturday that year so Sunday dinner had been taken over by the birthday party and Sunday we were home just trying to get settled into the house. It was a lot of room and the contents of our tiny apartment didn't go a long way to filling it. We spent a lot of time dreaming of what to do with all the extra space. Joanie was making plans for the room right next to ours. She was debating over paint colors that would work no matter which variety of child we got. She was a little over three months along by then and the morning sickness had finally let up. She was finally eating again and craving fruit, lots and lots of fruit.

That Sunday I was sitting draped across the couch in the living room reading and contemplating heading outside to the porch to read. We'd never had a porch before and I was starting to think about taking advantage of the giant wrap around thing we did have. I didn't know right then exactly where Joanie was in the house and I guess if we'd still been at the apartment I would have. There wasn't much space to get off by yourself for real in that place. Anyway, I heard her come into the room. She wasn't breathing right. You have to remember that we'd been together seven years at that point. We'd been married for near to three of them and had lived together to one extent or another for most of the seven. Joanie had her problems and it paid to recognize things like when her breathing was messed up. It was most often because she was or had been crying.

I turned and was about to say something but anything I might have had to say just froze in my mouth nearly choking me. Tears were streaming down Joanie's face and had been for a while it looked like. Her hands were covered in blood and so were her pants. She was wearing some old faded cutoff jeans that day and the insides of the legs were soaked with blood. She had a towel that she was carrying in her hands the way a ring bearer in some weddings might carry the pillow. She looked at me so helpless. Her mouth was moving and it took me a few seconds to realize she was just saying 'I'm sorry' over and over. I jumped up and got to her as fast as I could and looked at what she held on that bloody towel. It looked like a lot of congealed blood and then there was this thing maybe three inches or so long and I didn't want to think about what that looked like but I sort of had to and I understood. That was our baby. I knew it just as sure as she did.

I put my arms around her and led her upstairs to our bedroom. It took some doing but she finally let me take the towel from her and I got her out of her bloody clothes. Being pregnant, she hadn't bought supplies for her time of the month in a while and there was nothing so I took a hand towel and folded it up inside her panties and then I got a nightgown over her and got her into bed. She calmed a little as long as that bloody towel was where she could see it. I left it on the nightstand and sat next to her and kissed her head. She was still whispering how sorry she was over and over and it was killing me. It wasn't her fault. Women miscarry every day. Even now they do. I didn't really know what to do. The blood wasn't coming so fast or hard that I thought she needed the emergency room and no doctor offices would be open on a Sunday. I did the only thing I knew. I called the family.

I thought about calling Sherry but she was just starting on her little bump and I didn't think Joanie needed to be reminded right then of what she had just lost and I didn't think Sherry needed to see something going so wrong. She was a smart girl and science minded and all. She knew these things could happen but knowing and seeing are very different things. The next thought was to call Emma but then I had an even better thought. I picked up the phone and dialed.

"Hello."

"Lou?"

"Hey Jimmy," she said and her voice brightened, "What's up?"

"Can you get Theresa or someone to watch the boys? Joanie and I really need you. She, uh, she lost the baby. I'm pretty sure anyway. I ain't sure what to do. She doesn't even have anything in the house for the, um…blood."

"I'll be right there."

It felt a little better than Lou was coming over. She was a ways into nursing school and I think needed maybe a semester more to get a two year degree in it. She'd keep up her schooling even once she had a job working so that she could get the four year degree. Besides, she was a woman. She would know what to do. I had one other thought and dialed that number too.

"Judy," I said into the receiver, "Joanie needs you. Please get here as fast as you can."

Well Judy was a ways behind Lou since she was all the way in Bloomfield Hills but they were both on their way which was all I could do for right then. I went back into our room and just held her until I heard Lou walk into the house. I knew she would just come upstairs and she did. I showed her the towel and what was on it and she just nodded. I had been right. I knew I had all along.

Lou sat next to Joanie and brushed her hair off her face.

"Are you in much pain?"

Joanie shook her head and Lou looked up at me.

"I need a basin of warm water, a washcloth and a towel," she instructed, "I'll also need some fresh panties for her and that bag I brought in with me. Oh yeah…and a belt."

I know I looked confused for a second there about why Joanie needed a belt and then I realized she wasn't talking about a belt like I wore to keep my jeans up. See until about 1970 or so there wasn't no sticky stuff on women's personal items. They had to wear a belt and the pads hooked to that in the front and back. Well, Joanie kept her belts in the same drawer as her panties so that was easy enough.

I brought everything to Lou and watched as she undressed Joanie and cleaned her up, even her hands. She got the pad in place and everything and then tucked her back in under the blankets.

I guess it was about that time that Judy rolled in. She took one look at my sweet Joanie laying there all pale and just staring straight ahead and Lou checking her temperature, I guess to make sure she wasn't getting an infection or something. I know she saw the towel still there. She just sort of slumped against the doorframe shaking her head. She and I knew better than anyone how this would hurt Joanie.

"I have to call Uncle Ira," she said looking panicked. I understood and I should have thought of it too. Our regular doctor might not have been in his office and really I should still have called. Some doctors still made house calls after all. But Uncle Ira was a doctor and he was a real uncle. Gladys had three brothers. Two were older; one was an accountant and the other a newspaper editor in Baltimore. But Ira was the baby and had followed in his father's footsteps right into medicine.

She ducked out of the room and came back a few minutes later.

"He's on his way," she told me, "At least you did call in someone with some medical knowledge."

Then she wrapped her arms around me and allowed herself a few tears.

"I am so sorry this happened. Not just to her but to you too. I know how much you already loved that baby."

She was right, of course. I did love that baby from the second I knew it was there. I was still scared and it's not the same for men as women. I know I've already mentioned that. But I was already seeing things like watching my boy playing in little league and getting him a puppy and don't even look at me like that because I know damned well that babies can be boys or girls. I think men just assume it's a boy until they know different. And that's not for the reasons that women think always either. See a boy we know what we're doing. Even if our own fathers were terrible, we know what we needed to learn even if we had to learn it on our own. We also don't feel like what we got given is so fragile if it's a boy. Silly I know but it's how we think. Girls need more protecting—in our minds—and that's scary and intimidating. Besides, they are so very different. They play dolls and dress up and tea party and take dance classes. Well that's how we see it and especially at that time. Not many girls was playing little league then. It wasn't like it is now.

We heard the doorbell and Judy ran down to let her uncle in. He came up and kicked us all out except for Lou who had done a little of an examination while she was cleaning Joanie up. That meant he didn't have to really examine her. He felt her belly and saw what was on the towel and that—Lou explained to me later—was to see if everything was out of her body. If it doesn't all come out then it can cause her other problems and even make it so she couldn't get pregnant again.

I was standing right outside so when he came out, I nearly pounced on him.

"Is she okay?"

"Joanie will be fine," he said, "She will be sad for a while and she will be sore for a while and she will bleed some for a while. But then she will be alright again. She should rest today but tomorrow she can do what she feels up to." He half smiled at that. "Maybe you should tell her to take it easy tomorrow too. I know Joanie and she will say she feels up to more than she is. She shouldn't have trouble having a child. You can try again in a couple months. Best not to before then, the body needs time to heal."

"Thanks for coming," I told him and I know my eyes must've been all red and stuff but he didn't even bat an eye.

"You're family," was all he said back.

Well Lou stayed a while longer but there was no reason other than to support us. I saw her to the door and she gave me a big hug. When she pulled away there were tears in her eyes.

"Thanks for coming, Lou," I said, "I know you got your own feelings about Joanie and our marriage…"

"Jimmy," she began, "When Kid came up missing and I fell apart, you weren't just there for me but for the kids too. You have never failed me, not once. And you're the only one besides me who really still believes Kid is out there somewhere. If you can believe in him along with me, I can believe in her alongside you."

Tears were flowing down her face and she reached up and put a hand on my cheek.

"I was wrong before anyway. Joanie's a good woman and I guess I learned my lesson that we can't control all the ways life can hurt us or test us. You were right to marry her. You love her and she loves you and you got to hang onto that. It's the only thing worth a damn in this world."

All I could do was nod. She was right and I always knew that truth but occasionally life or God or fate or whatever decides to give you a not so subtle reminder. Lou walked off the porch and to her car and gave me a wave as she drove off. I went back inside and followed my nose to the kitchen where my sister-in-law was making some soup. I peeked into the pot to see matzo balls floating. It was Joanie's favorite soup and what Gladys always made them when they were sick. Judy looked up when I walked into the kitchen.

"She's asleep," she explained, "She has to eat still."

I just stood there. I needed something to do. I looked around restlessly. I wasn't aware that Judy had crossed the room to where I stood until her hand was on my arm.

"You need your rest too," she said softly. "I can handle this. She's going to need you more than me when she wakes up."

I just stared at her like she wasn't speaking words.

"Go upstairs and get some sleep, Jimmy," she ordered. "I'll finish the soup and I have a small errand to run and more phone calls to make than I want to think about. You need sleep. Once she's rested, you know how bad she's going to break. You need your rest."

I just nodded and started to move like I was on auto-pilot or something.

"And Jimmy," she called to me making me turn back to her, "Remember you're broken too. Don't go all tough guy on me. You know better than most that it's not healthy."

I looked at her and she was right. I was looking for things to do to distract from how sad I was. I leaned against the door frame that led to my living room and I cried. I didn't just let a few tears fall and sniffle a little either. I cried, really cried.

"How am I supposed to help her, Jude? I'm hurting just as much."

I slid down the door jamb and just sat on the floor with tears streaming down my face and looking up at her. Judy hurried to me and sat down beside me and held me. She rocked me and held me tight and stroked my hair. It wasn't one of my more attractive moments but the people who really care about you love you even when you're crying so hard your nose is running. I guess I finally kind of cried myself out and was just drained and my breath was hitching. Judy pulled me up off the floor and walked me to the kitchen sink. She made me bend forward over the sink and ran some water. I watched her wet down a cloth and ring the excess water out and felt her place it on the back of my neck.

"It's alright," she whispered, "You're not alone. You'll never be alone. The love you always give to the rest of us will find its way back to you now."

She kissed the side of my head and cupped a hand under the water faucet and brought the cool water to my eyes and held it there a few moments.

"I can't say when but someday it will be alright. It will, Jimmy. Please believe that. I know you know that things have a reason and it's not for us to understand the reason at the time and sometimes not ever. But your family will be here for you—all of us. We will be here while you grieve and we will be here while you cry and rant to the heavens and we will be here when this can finally be put in the past. And we will be here when the joy comes back to you. It will. And it will to her too. For all the weaknesses and difficulties she has, she is resilient. She'll be fine because she has you and you will be fine because you have her."

She dribbled more water over my face and it felt good. I know it was swollen and red from crying so much. There ain't many in the world I would let see me like that but Judy was special. She patted my face dry with a towel and pushed me gently to stand up straight.

"Get some sleep, Jimmy."

I almost turned away to leave the room and then I stopped a minute.

"Thanks short stuff. You're pretty great, you know that?"

"I learned from the best," she said trying her best for a smile. It wasn't a great smile but it was something anyway. I know she was hurting too but I also know she was putting that on the backburner right then. There were things that needed doing and she didn't want us to have to do them. Every person who knew we were expecting needed to know we weren't anymore.

I climbed the stairs and crawled into bed next to Joanie. She was sleeping but I could tell she wasn't sleeping peaceful or anything. I pulled her to me and I think that was as much to comfort myself and my own hurt as hers. But then when I wound my arms around her she snuggled to me and relaxed. I fell asleep easy even though I had thought I wouldn't be able to. I think all that crying did a lot to wear me out.

I woke right around when Joanie did mostly because she started crying again. I held her tighter and petted her hair and rubbed her shoulders and back and tried to tell her it would be alright but there's really no telling a woman who has just lost a child that things will be alright. There is no comfort to a woman after something like that happens. There just isn't. Time helps and talking does too. If you know someone suffering a loss like what Joanie was then or like Rachel had a few months before, do not try to find words to comfort them. Most of the things people say when they're just trying to help either sound trite or are downright hurtful. It's the truth. Just tell them you love them and are very sorry for what happened and then let them know that you will listen when they need to talk and offer hugs when they need them and that is really all you can do. There's no right or wrong way to grieve but there are right and wrong ways to offer sympathy and comfort.

I finally got the best response from her by just telling her to let it all out and she did. She wanted that baby so badly I knew she could already feel it in her arms. What looked on that towel like a bit of nothing that was barely discernible from the blood clots there was a real baby to her. It was a cooing, crying baby and she could already in her mind feel its soft hair and smell that sweet baby sweat smell on it. I know she could. I couldn't but then it wasn't growing in my body.

"I'm so sorry I failed you, James."

"You didn't fail," I said, "This one wasn't the baby we were meant to have. We'll try again when your body is healed and ready and we'll have children, Joanie. I know we will. This just wasn't our child. There must be a very special one waiting just for us. I know you're hurting and I am too. But you did not fail. You loved that baby with all your might. I know you did."

I pulled her tight to me and let my tears fall into the mess of curls on her head. There wasn't anything really to do but cry and I felt her tears soaking through my t-shirt. I held her tight. All we had was each other and I wasn't about to let go of her for anything.

* * *

><p><strong>I have few words right now. Many tears but few words. I know you have all read about my boys. My oldest will be 17 in December...but really the first baby that I carried would have just turned 17 in the last week or so. No one knows exactly why but it just stopped growing and developing. It hurts like nothing else and Jimmy is right, there is no comfort. There is time and there is compassion and there are the listening ears of those who love you. But there is no comfort. Words are meaningless at a time like that and while you move forward, in some ways you're never alright again. My love to you, my friends.-J<strong>


	90. Chapter 90

We cried a lot and I doubt that comes as any surprise to anyone at all. It's a sad thing and for all the years Joanie spent watching others get this little piece of happiness, to have it snatched from her seemed especially cruel. I say we cried and we did but Joanie didn't crumble the way I expected her to. She got up that next day and she looked tired and she still cried but she let Judy dispose of the towel. To this day, I don't know what Judy did with the towel or what was on it but it was gone and Joanie was alright with that. I'm not going to say things were fine for her because they weren't. She didn't throw herself into anything else, like settling into the house or decorating and she didn't really try to pretend it didn't happen by gushing over Sherry's bump or nursery plans or anything. But she wasn't hysterical either and I had sort of expected her to be. She seemed a little lost and she was quiet and she cried more than usual and she hugged me more than usual too but then I wasn't about to complain about that. I needed her more right then. I could get through anything at all as long as I had my Joanie. I'm an old man now and I'll admit fear where maybe I wouldn't've before. Life is scary but it gets a whole lot less scary when you got someone by your side who loves you.

We got mostly through a week. Judy came over a few times and cooked for us which was nice because neither of us felt much like cooking or even eating. I'd take the chance to get out on the bike when she came over. As much as I needed my Joanie, I had things to get right in my own head too and nothing clears your head like riding down an old country road with the engine right between your knees. I don't know why that is and maybe it isn't for everyone but it worked for me and I was grateful that Joanie had given me that escape. I always brought something back for her from my rides. Sometimes going down those country roads I'd find a little stand selling some strawberries or something like that and other times I'd stop somewhere and pick her up some chocolate or flowers. It was never anything big but just something that said I was thinking about her and loved her. I told you I got better after the whole Rosemary thing and I knew I especially had to be good for her after what she'd just gone through.

All the while I was waiting on the other shoe to drop. I kept thinking that things hadn't sunk in yet and she'd still completely lose it at some point. But like I said we made it near to a week and really didn't talk that much about things. She went and saw her regular doctor early in the week who said the same thing Uncle Ira did and we both mentally noted when we could start trying to get pregnant again. She was healing really good and there wasn't likely to be anything standing in our way. But aside from telling me that she was doing alright and her doctor confirmed that nothing should keep us from being able to have a baby, we didn't talk about what happened at all.

I know she was nervous about going to Emma's on Sunday. Sherry would be there with her bump and Rachel wasn't showing yet but she was glowing like crazy and Keith wasn't quite six months old yet. I worried about her too. I wanted to tell her she didn't have to go but then I knew how much she hated being treated like she couldn't do normal things. I sort of chickened out and left the whole thing in her court. I maybe shouldn't have handled it that way but sometimes I just punted. I think most people do every now and then. I left it to Judy to really talk to her. Her mom too and the other women. I never really talked to her about it then and that was wrong but I didn't know what to say except that I loved her no matter what. That's a good thing to say but it didn't feel like near enough.

Anyway, it was Saturday so almost a full week after the miscarriage and the day before we was kind of expected at Emma's. I know that if I thought she shouldn't go or if she didn't want to then I could call and Emma would understand. Judy talked Joanie into going shopping. Something about needing some new sundresses or something what with summer pretty much there and all. They went shopping and I went for a ride and it was nice. That evening I even cooked a little something for us. It wasn't fancy and might not have been more than spaghetti or something like that but I cooked it and opened a bottle of wine and things seemed nice. Joanie had a light to her that had been missing those last few days and she talked about finding a dress she called cute and how Judy was seeing some new guy. He was some artist or something and Joanie thought he was a bit of a flake but Judy was happy and Joanie figured it wouldn't last anyway so she didn't say anything. She was right too. I mean, it lasted longer than we thought it would but it's not like she married the guy or anything. It was nice and we even laughed a little. She'd been feeling better and the pain had all gone away in the first couple of days so we thought about going for a walk. Or I should say, Joanie thought about going for a walk. I had another idea. I had, on one of my rides, picked up a couple of things and I took her out to the garage to show her.

Her eyes got wide as saucers when she saw I had another helmet and a second leather jacket. It was much smaller than mine but fit her like a glove. I know she was unsure at first but I promised that I wouldn't go far unless she wanted to and I'd stick to city streets where I'd have to drive slower—unless she decided she liked it, that was. Well, she put on the helmet and the jacket and climbed on behind me and I started the bike up. She near to broke my ribs I think when we took off but I did all I promised and went slow and stayed within a few blocks of home. We stopped at an intersection and I noticed she had loosened her grip on me a little and she leaned her head closer to my ear so I could hear her good.

"Where do you go when you ride? Will you show me?"

I nodded and headed out of the city. Nowadays you'd have to go a ways to find anything you'd call rural. It's what's known as urban sprawl. But back then you barely had to clear any city limits and you could find rolling fields and pastures with cows grazing or tractors out doing whatever it is they do—I was never a farmer—and sometimes even horses. I didn't grow up around that and it fascinated me that I'd always been that close to all that kind of land and yet had never seen any of it. For as much as I liked driving around the city and as much as the buildings were a comfort and a home to me, getting out was freeing in a different way. Things could feel tense and close and congested in the city. The air outside of it was cleaner and people seemed more relaxed. I'm sure they have their troubles same as everyone but maybe it seems easier to handle when all the people ain't stacked like cord wood.

There was a lot of tension in the city heading into that summer. Since 1964 there had been horrible rioting in all the major cities in the country. But somehow the unrest kept moving right on past Detroit. Cleveland got it and Chicago and of course New York and LA. But Detroit somehow kept getting spared. Now some believed that it was because of all the work we did toward integration after the riots in the '40's. But even those people by '67 were starting to feel uneasy. It was like we had been too lucky too long. The mayor was working hard with Parks and Recreation to try for things to keep young people occupied and try to keep people feeling good about the city. Still there was a tension you couldn't really put your finger on but it felt like something was about to happen and getting away from that feeling was nice.

I think it must have felt good to Joanie too. I could feel her relax against me the farther from the city we got. I stopped after a while and we just sat there a minute.

"This is beautiful, James," she said at last, "Is this where you always go?"

"Here or someplace like it," I answered, "I know it probably looks like I'm running away. It's just real pretty and easier to think out here."

"You're not running away. And if you are, I wouldn't blame you," she said softly. "I'm just grateful you come home at all."

"Now why would you say a thing like that, Joanie?"

"I've been a ghost, a shadow…and it's my fault. I killed it. I killed your child."

I just stared at her. I honestly didn't understand what she was talking about. She was dying inside over losing that baby and I knew she'd done all she could to keep it, all she knew to do.

"Joanie, it was our child, not just mine and you didn't do anything wrong."

"James," she said and took on that lawyer tone where I knew she was about to tell me roughly how stupid I was to hold whatever view I held in a discussion. I was used to it enough but I also learned that I wasn't always wrong and she wasn't always right even though she could sound better in any argument. "How many times did you tell me to take it easy while we were moving into the house? How often did you point out I was lifting too much or making too many trips up and down the stairs? I didn't listen. It's my fault the baby's gone. I didn't listen."

"Sweetheart, I was being silly," I told her, "I even asked Uncle Ira and he said that wasn't what caused it at all. It just wasn't meant to be. And, at any rate, if anyone caused it, it was me."

I'd been harboring the guilt the whole week. Every time I looked into her eyes and saw that hurt it was an indictment against me and the terrible husband I was. I knew it was my fault and I knew that all her hurt was caused by me. I knew the real reason wasn't just a random act of fate. I just knew it.

"I just had to yell at you," I said. It was true. That night after we got home from celebrating my birthday we fought and we fought but good and it wasn't the kind of fight where we forgave and saw the errors of our ways and ended up making up and making love all night. It was the kind of fight that I didn't forgive her for at all and I slept on the couch downstairs in the living room because I couldn't stand the sight of her. I mean I saw her the next morning making coffee and we sort of mumbled apologies and I kissed her and she hugged me and we were kind of okay but it was a doozy of a fight and I had yelled at her. I rarely yelled at her and I'd been tempted even to raise a hand. I didn't and I knew I never really could but I nearly did and I yelled but good. Said some awful things, things I could never even think of taking back.

"That was my fault," she whispered, "I shouldn't have ever said what I did. That couldn't have caused the baby…it couldn't have. I'm sure of it."

"Joanie, I yelled. I called you names. I said terrible things. I didn't mean them, not really."

I guess I ought to explain a little more. This wasn't a typical fight for us. They was usually misunderstandings and once we got our mad out we'd talk and see the other side and be stronger for it. This was different though. We got home from Emma's that night and was sitting on the porch staring out into the night and we started thinking on the future. We talked about names for the baby. She asked if I thought about using my folks' names…William and Polly. I told her that I didn't really care for the name Polly and I thought Billy and Sherry might be thinking on having a junior if they had a boy. She said she liked the name Leslie for a girl and I said something about the name Melissa or maybe Sarah and then we got to talking about boy names and she said she always liked the name Joshua and I kind of nodded that it wasn't a half bad name at that. Then she said it, the one thing that could tip me off, the one thing that could make me come completely unglued.

"Francis is a nice name too," she said, "Or maybe something that starts with 'H' like Henry. Some way to honor him. I would never consider Horace and you wouldn't either but we could name him Francis and call him Frank."

I think I've mentioned before that it wasn't generally accepted to name a child after someone living. She was, in effect, saying that she had given up hope on Kid coming home. I lost it. I stomped into the house and she followed and I will admit right here that if she hadn't followed then there wouldn't've been a fight. She could have let me cool down and eventually we might've been alright but she did follow and I think she was trying to apologize but I didn't give her a chance. She'd called my brother dead and that wasn't forgivable to me then. Now when you love someone pretty much anything can be forgiven but I was too hurt in that moment. I knew she meant no harm and she wanted to believe what I believed and she wanted to think I really knew something that no one could know but she didn't feel those things and it wasn't her fault. It really wasn't.

But I yelled and I ranted and I called her names I'd lay any other man out for calling her. And the very next day her body let go of what might've been our firstborn child. I could see the connection even if she wanted to deny it. I can sit here all day and tell you how bad her words hurt me but that wouldn't defend anything I said.

"James," she said looking up at me and right then, I think I fell in love with her again. We was standing at the side of some country road and the sun was beginning to set behind her and the tears were falling over her eyelids and down her cheeks. I know I never had any right to think about a woman like she was but I fell again like I did the first day she stepped out of that Corvette and given the state she was in maybe that was a right thing and maybe it wasn't but right don't change the facts. "James, I was wrong then too. We don't talk about it enough. It isn't just a feeling he's alive or a hope, is it? You know something, don't you?"

I could only nod. I knew. I knew my brother still walked the earth the same as I knew my own name. I'll never be able to explain it but it doesn't matter how far we'd ever get from each other, I would know if he had died. I just would.

"I'll never suggest such a thing again," she choked through her tears, "I'll never doubt you. You've never really doubted me and I owe you that much."

She took a breath and looked around.

"We're both being silly anyway. The doctors are probably right. I think I just felt I needed someone to blame and I was handy. Maybe that's what you felt too. We'll try again starting in August or September and everything will be just fine, won't it?"

"I expect it will at that."

She leaned into me and rested her head against my chest.

"I love you," she said.

"I love you too, Joanie."

"We're kind of a mess, you know?" she said looking up at me and offering a half a laugh.

"Ain't no kind of about it," I replied, "Hell, maybe that's why we work. I mean it's also why we have problems sometimes but when we work them out and all, maybe it's because we're both such a mess."

"You really are perfect for me," she told me offering a smile the likes of which I hadn't seen from her in quite a while. "I know you've doubted that at times but I don't see any other man handling all you've had to handle."

I opened my mouth to say something but she raised a hand to stop me.

"I know you love me but I do put you through more than most men have to deal with and that's just who I am. And I know you'll say you've put me through my share of problems too and that's true. Thing is, I don't mind at all. I mean sometimes I do at the time. There was the whole Rosemary incident and all. But I always feel we get stronger and I don't mean just us as a couple but I feel like I'm a stronger person and you're a stronger person than we'd be if we'd never known each other and put each other through all this stuff. Does that make sense?"

I laughed a little because I couldn't have said it better myself.

"It makes all kinds of sense, Joanie. I like who I am now so much better than who I ever was before. I don't think I ever thought about if I made you stronger or better but I like the thought that maybe I did."

Joanie pulled my head down to hers and kissed me then and for the first time since she climbed on the bike behind me, I wished we was back in the city if only to be at our house where I could do something about how she was kissing me. She pulled away as the kiss ended and there was a sparkle in her eyes.

"The sun's going down," she noted, "Maybe we should get home before dark."

I smiled and nodded and let myself think of all kinds of things we could do once we was home.

* * *

><p><strong>I thought this chapter might get me more into the events of summer that year but there was a lot more that had to go on between J&amp;J in this than I thought. But he's right about the tensions and the false sense of hope...come July here no one will be left unchanged. But at least I think J&amp;J are doing better...I worry she got over that too easily though.-J<strong>


	91. Chapter 91

It takes a long time to heal from something like what Joanie went through—I guess what I went through too. We'd been together so long and babies were something we assumed we'd have. Guess I should know better than to assume.

But life moves forward. I worried that Joanie shouldn't take the bar when she did. I thought it was too soon after but she said she didn't want to wait. And I have to admit that studying for it actually calmed her. School, books…the law…those was things she felt better with. I think it was the first time I saw her come to an important test looking confident and sure of herself and her smarts. It was good to see.

Even with the added stress and strain on her, she passed that thing with flying colors. Didn't surprise me one bit that she did either. I offered to take her out to dinner to celebrate but she wanted to have a party.

"Most people have a housewarming party when they get a new house," she explained to me. "This would be the perfect time to have it. Combining celebrations, so to speak."

I wasn't sold. Joanie hadn't spent much time around Sherry and Sherry's belly was getting out there real good by then. And Rachel's bump was starting to show a little. Some men go overboard in protecting their women and some women get offended—with cause—by being so watched over. Joanie wasn't one of those. Joanie needed a little more looking after. I know it made her upset sometimes when I did it but Joanie had some issues I don't think all women do.

"Are you sure you're up to this?" I asked her. "I mean…it's been a rough month or so."

"James," she replied narrowing her eyes. I probably should've been immune to that look by then but I will fully admit that I never really got over turning to stone when she turned it on me.

"Joanie," I said back with a look of my own. Inside I might have been withering from her glare but it didn't mean I could back down. "You know I have to be like this."

Something in her eyes shifted then and she turned her back to me. I could see her shoulders rise and fall with two very deep breaths. Then she turned back to face me. I'll admit it scared me plenty that I couldn't read her face when she did.

"I know," she whispered and even the whisper was wavering so I knew her voice was about to crack if she tried to actually speak to me. "And I know you do everything you do for me out of love. I know I have given you good reason to worry for me."

Her hand was turning the gold star over and over on its chain. I stayed quiet. Sometimes Joanie needed a prod to get talking but once she was talking it was best to not interrupt her.

"You've always been so strong for me," she went on and then took another deep and shuddering breath. "I won't lie, James. Seeing Sherry and Billy getting closer and closer to…"

Her voice trailed off and the frustration was clear in her frown.

"I want my friends to be happy, James. I do. I know it's going to hurt to see. But life is not going to stop because something sad happened to us. And if it did, it would serve us no good purpose. I need to move forward. I can't hide from this. I don't want to feel like crying when I see a baby on its mother's hip in the store. I don't want to be sad when I see my friends happy. I don't want Keith to make me feel sad. I especially don't want to resent Rachel's happiness after what they just went through. I don't. And hiding away from everyone isn't going to get me to feeling better about this."

I opened my mouth to start to argue with her. It was so soon, too soon in my estimation.

"Don't, James," she said as she moved toward me and put a hand on my arm. "You already know how to help me. You know I have to move on. You know if I wait for it to feel right I'll stay hidden forever. It'll never feel right and it'll eventually get built up so much neither of us will have the courage for this. You know all this. It's what you do. You've told me."

I just nodded. She was right. There's something to that old saying about getting back on a horse that just threw you. Not that her pain was coming from being around these people but she was right that she had to get back to her life. I nodded at her.

"Tell me what you need me to do."

"Stay close," she replied. "I don't expect for this to be easy. I might need you to rescue me from myself more than once."

"Close to you is my favorite place."

I can tell you now the party was a success in every way possible. I think it perked Joanie up a great deal to see everyone and maybe even seeing Rachel and Sherry in a place where the focus wasn't them and their bellies. She smiled and laughed and had cooked like a madwoman.

She was right, as it turned out; this party was good for her. It was necessary and needed. I stayed close like I said I would. She had a couple rough moments where things sort of overwhelmed her but I was close by and all she needed was a hug or a kiss on the top of her head.

There was sadness in a few eyes. I think Uncle Eli was looking as forward to the baby as Gladys and Mr. Cohen were. But they were healing too and somehow I think that night put more to rights than anything else we could have done. I probably mentioned once or twice how smart my Joanie was. Sometimes I think I forgot it myself.

After the party we settled into a nice summer. Joanie went right to work for her dad and uncles and I had my summer off. I wasn't just sitting around though. I worked with a couple of youth groups and tried to keep busy any way I could. There was a lot to do around the house too so I was busy fixing things up and painting. It was a nice house but old and not everything had been maintained very well. But I had time and, while we weren't rich or anything, we had the money to get supplies to fix things. I could swing a hammer and I learned a whole lot about plumbing that summer.

Learned a lot of other things that summer too. Not all of them was as common as how to stop a faucet leaking. I know I said before that there was some sort of tension in the city that year. Some folks were blissfully unaware. They thought with the unrest of the last few years everywhere else that if we was going to have trouble then we'd've had it by then. The rest of us, I think, knew better. Detroit may have taken longer to reach her boiling point but you leave any pot over a fire long enough and it'll boil over or boil away and catch fire.

We got most of the way through July without too much going on. I remember talking a lot to Sam that summer. He said they were trying to curb some criminal activity in a certain neighborhood. Mostly taking down the prostitution and gambling and after hours drinking. I know more than once I asked if they knew what they were doing.

I'll explain a little. Detroit wasn't some segregated city by any mandate or law but it was divided up by race all the same. Things was starting to change in some areas but when you hit the poorest places, they was still mostly black. Ain't no other way to say it. These days when places get broken up by socio-economics, it's pretty blended. You'll get white, brown and black all shoved into the same slums. Not then.

The area the police was targeting was black. With all the unrest and all the tension and all that felt like something was just about to break loose all summer to that point, I wondered if it was really such a good idea to target an all black area. Sam agreed with me. He didn't have a choice about doing it really. The order came from well above his pay grade but he had a bad feeling about it all the same. I think the both of us with all we knew of the situation and how people felt at the time about cops and authority…I think we knew something bad was going to happen.

Now I don't want you to get me wrong. What happened was different in a lot of ways from other cities that had these problems. For always being blamed on race, this might've been the most integrated thing that the motor city ever did. Even if that don't make sense to lots of folks. Detroit's a different sort of town sometimes. Ain't saying it's better or worse than anywhere else but different. We had our big race riots in the 40's. That was over housing and really people should've still been ticked about that situation. This…this had to do with so many things and civil rights or how the races was treated different was just a small part of it all.

So we moved through the summer with some of us preaching a little more caution than others. I know I tried to keep Jesse close to home that summer. Emma didn't need worries like that. She had Sarah Jean to keep track of and most days little Michael too. And I knew that if anything went bad in the city and Jesse got in the middle, it would near to kill poor Theresa. Yeah they was still together then. Damned cute too.

I ain't saying Jesse listened to me, pain in the ass that he was. But I warned him all the same. Pretty sure Sam did too. But you know, kids never think the bad stuff will happen to them. Hell, most never think bad things'll happen at all.

So we got into July and past the fourth and the big cookout with Joanie's folks. And we made it to the cabin in the U.P. a time or two as well. Took Lou and the kids up one of those times. Jesse wanted to come with us but we couldn't leave Al with no one to work the shop and besides, I remembered what me and Joanie did on the beach up there and there was no way I was bringing him up with Theresa there. No way in Hell.

Roll your eyes at me but she was all of fifteen years old and there was no way I was going to tempt fate like that.

This date don't mean too much to many anymore but if you're my age and lived here in the D, as the kids say nowadays, this date makes the hairs stand up on the back of your neck.

July 22, 1967. It was peaceful enough I guess. A Saturday and hot…people was having cookouts mostly because you couldn't stand to be inside at all let alone fire up a stove while you was there. Everybody was grilling out or eating potato chips or ice cream. I was sitting on the porch with Al while we ate some burgers I'd grilled and downed a few Stroh's. Not a bad way to spend a Saturday afternoon.

"Damn if it ain't hotter'n Satan's left testicle today," Al remarked.

It was too. Michigan's like that. Hot enough to cook a person in the summer and cold enough to turn your blood to icicles come winter. You can tell when the heat or cold is extreme anywhere when it's the main topic of conversation. And right about then we wasn't talking about much but how hot we was. How sweaty and uncomfortable. Rachel was managing alright being only four or so months along but poor Sherry—that girl was darned near eight months and she was miserable.

Now I say July 22nd is the date that will send chills down a longtime Detroiter's spine and that's not quite so. The 22nd was the last day of peace. Because at roughly 3:30 a.m. on the morning of July 23rd all hell broke loose. If any of us had a shred of innocence left in us, it would be gone when the smoke cleared.

Now I didn't know what happened in the wee hours of the 23rd. I was trying to get some sleep through the ungodly heat. We had every fan in the house in our room and pointed toward us and still we couldn't stand blankets or pajamas or anything else touching us. And we weren't getting good sleep either one of us. But we was trying.

The plan when we got up was to head to Emma's for Sunday dinner. She wasn't going to be doing the cooking though. Sam was planning on grilling to save anyone from being cooped up in a hotter than hell kitchen.

Shortly after Joanie and I rolled out of bed, the phone rang.

"Jimmy?"

"Hi Emma. You miss me so much that you can't wait a couple hours to talk to me?"

"Could you help Jesse with the grilling today?"

"I thought Sam was doing the cooking."

"He got a call early this morning," she said and I knew Emma pretty damned well or else I wouldn't have caught the fear in her voice. "I don't think he's going to be back for a while. There's riots, Jimmy. Before he left he said it sounded worse than '43."

"Emma, I want you to come here."

"I couldn't…everyone is coming here today."

"Then we'll change our plans," I said matter-of-factly. "You get Sarah Jean and have Jesse drive you two here. Now that I think about it, have Al and Rachel come here too. I'll call everyone else. It's quiet here."

Once I got off the phone with Emma, I called over to Billy's house. Sherry answered and she didn't sound good.

"Sherry, is your husband around?"

"No," she replied sounding something close to frail. I should clarify a little about Sherry. She looked, on the surface, to be unflappable and tough as nails. I suppose in a lot of ways she was tougher than some but she was as susceptible to fear and worry as any of us. And being big enough to move slow and having all them pregnancy hormones and all wasn't helping her none.

"Is he off covering this stuff?"

"Yeah…he left a while ago. They say it's bad."

"Still calm and clear where you are?"

"Quiet like any other Sunday," she said sounding calmer for having someone to talk to. "Will said the worst was on 12th."

"Do you feel alright to drive? I want you to come over here for the day."

"I can drive."

"See you soon, Sher."

I called Lou who was in the shower so I told Theresa that Sunday dinner was at our house now. And Buck and then Ike. Soon we had a houseful just waiting for news.

I'll tell you now that our house was in a neighborhood that never saw violence in the days that followed and for that I am grateful. But we had called Joanie's folks and if we'd had to flee, Bloomfield Hills was waiting for us.

We knew that Billy wouldn't have a report in until the evening news so we had the radio on all day. At that point it all seemed centered in that few blocks area down by 12th. We knew there was looting and fires and gunshots reported. Joanie had gotten a couple calls from her dad and Uncle Eli about potential clients but they told her to stay where she was and not go down to see about them. Nothing there that couldn't wait a while for it to be safe. None of us expected things to go on like they did but then there was plenty who never expected the riots to start in the first place.

The Tigers was playing that day. I think against Baltimore. I'm not sure how anyone got to the stadium but then now that I think of it, the violence didn't move toward the corner that soon. Pretty spectacular thing happened after the game was over. I can't even remember if the Tigers won that day or not. You can probably look that up somewhere so it don't really matter.

But after the game, Willie Horton became one of my favorite all-time Tigers. I always kind of liked the guy. He was a good player and being in the line of work I was, I had cause to know how dedicated to the community he was. Willie was a talented ballplayer and eventually got his number retired by the team. He's one of the statues in the outfield of the new yard. I honestly think if he did nothing in his whole life but what he did that terrifying and disorienting Sunday in July, that he would have deserved that statue.

Willie Horton left the field at the end of the game. He did not take off his uniform. He walked out of the stadium and toward the center of the riots. Once he got to the worst of it, he climbed on a car and commenced to pleading for some cooler heads to prevail.

It didn't stop anything. People kept burning things and looting and beating on each other. But sometimes it's important to do the right thing even if no one notices you doing it. Good man, Willie Horton.

Sometime that evening the phone rang. I answered it and Billy was near to frantic. He'd called his place and his wife wasn't there. I got him calmed down and explained I thought it was best if we was all in one place where we could look out for each other. He agreed. It had just frightened him to not know where she was. He'd been in the worst of it that day and something like that would scare anyone.

A while later Sam called. He didn't seem surprised at all that his family was at our house.

"I'll get Emma," I told him.

"Wait. Before you do…thank you. I always knew I could count on you. You took care of her before I came into the picture."

"I'll always take care of her. It's the least I can do for her…and for you."

"I don't know when I'll be able to come home. This doesn't look to be settling down and there's already talk of the National Guard being brought in. Keep her with you as much as she'll let you."

"I will. You stay safe. I warned you once that we don't take kindly to anyone hurting her."

I handed the phone to Emma then. I know he put on a brave voice and kept things positive with her but I heard it when I talked to him. He was scared. I'd never seen him really scared before. I'd seen him hurt and sad and angry and a host of other things. But never had I seen or heard real fear in him. He was scared that day. He was scared he wasn't ever coming home.

* * *

><p><strong>And so it begins. I have been dreading this...it's not going to be pretty. I'm sorry for all that will happen. I can do many things but changing history is not within my power.-J<strong>


	92. Chapter 92

It was some time after we ate that most of us were sitting around on the deck I'd built out back. I told you I got handy that summer. We had a good shade tree in the back of the house and it was much cooler sitting out there listening to the radio for news. Theresa and Jesse were corralling the younger kids allowing the rest of us to just sit and sip some iced tea, lemonade and cold beer. It was about then a thought occurred to me.

"Emma, you can't go back home," I said. "The violence is moving closer and closer and I did make a promise to your husband."

"There's plenty of room here, James," Joanie spoke up. "For Al and Rachel too. It's too scary to think of family being that close to the worst of things. Especially when we can all be together."

"I wouldn't want to be a bother," Emma began to protest but I cut her off.

"Everything I put you through…it'll take more than a night or two in my guest room to be a bother. Much more."

"Jimmy," Emma started talking with a warning in her voice. I had heard that warning before. That tone said that it wasn't my place to tell her what she should do. She was a grown woman and could take care of herself. I agreed mostly but this was an extreme circumstance.

"Emma, I love you," I said and I chose my words very carefully. It was one of the times when I felt the most grateful for Joanie inspiring me to get an education. "You know I love you. A lot of people love you and count on you. If anything happened to you while I could do something so small as hauling out some sheets for the beds in the guest rooms for you and Jesse…I just don't think I could live with myself. Please. Stay."

She relented and we turned our attention to the rest of the assembled family. That's what we were after all. Our house was real big but that's still a lot of people and I knew Emma didn't want to be wherever Lou was if only to avoid having Theresa and Jesse spending the night under the same roof.

I looked around. Ike's house was farther from where the riots seemed to be centered. He was living near to Dearborn then to be closer to work so he piped up and suggested that Buck and Carol and the kids come and stay with him and Annie until things settled down some.

I could see Lou was dead set on going home. And I could see her fear at doing it too. She was one tough lady and could handle almost anything but being the only grown up and taking care of three kids when there's the kind of things going on that was going on then is still a scary thing.

"Al, maybe you and Rachel could go and stay with Lou," I offered. "I'm sure Bobby and Jack would love having the two of you around."

Al saw what I was doing. I know he wanted to go home too but then he didn't want Rachel in danger. This was a good solution and also took care of our Jesse and Theresa dilemma.

I ain't sure how I didn't think of this but I am so grateful for what Joanie did next.

"Sherry," she said. "You'll stay here. Bill already knows you're here. He'll feel better if he knows you're with us. And you should probably call your parents too. They're like to be worried half to death."

I felt terrible that I had overlooked Sherry. She was like a sister to me and she had looked out for my girl at times when I couldn't. But Joanie was right. She was safe there and her husband would know where she was. And I didn't want to be shuffling her and that baby she was carrying around anymore than we had to.

We were finally feeling settled or at least like we had a plan and could keep everyone safe. Everyone knew that if anything came toward them to hightail it for the suburbs. Uncle Eli would take people in. Mr. and Mrs. Cohen would take people in. Uncle Saul too. There were plenty of options if we all had to retreat as far as the U.P. to get safe.

It was just as Buck and Ike was getting their respective bunches ready to go and Lou was getting her kids ready to go and Al and Rachel were getting ready to go and Jesse and Theresa were saying their goodbyes that a knock came at the door. I went and answered and I was pretty surprised to see Noah there with Michael on his hip. Noah didn't live in the city so I figured he'd hunker down at home.

I pulled him into the house and closed the door behind him. I must've been giving him a strange look.

"I had to go to meet with Rosemary today," he said in explanation. "She's entitled to see him sometimes."

He nodded to Michael as he spoke and put the child on the floor so that he could wander around to everyone and collect his hugs and kisses.

"All hell is breaking loose out there. Wasn't sure how good an idea it was to be so dark and on a street right now. Not everyone with a badge is Sam Cain. I was closest to here and I saw the cars. I hope it's okay."

I couldn't help pulling him into a hug. Yeah, it was okay alright. I know I hadn't known Noah as long as I'd known the others but we'd gotten awful close in the few years we'd known each other. I will easily say he was as much a brother to me as Ike or Buck or Billy. Almost as close as Kid. He knew what we'd been through. I never told him. He just knew. There was a reason he was raised by his Aunt. His mother was a drunk and drug user with a string of men who were as cruel to him as she was.

I don't think there was any court involvement or anything. Just his Aunt Helen came in one day and shook her head at how he was living. She took him by the hand and told him he would be coming with her and he'd be safe from then on.

He was young so if there was a fight from his mom, he didn't remember it but he knew when someone else carried those same scars. He knew the wounded look and he knew how we tried to hide it.

It felt good to have him there with us. Michael too. That boy may have come from a train wreck of a marriage but he was beautiful. I always thought if anything represented race relations in this country it was that boy. He came from people who had some good intentions but really just proved how far apart we still were. But he was pure and perfect and better than anything that came before. The walking illustration of what love and coming together can be.

"We've got plenty of room for you two," I said smiling at him. "Don't we, Joanie?"

"Always," she said smiling and hugging Michael tight to her. "I think Jesse might need to move to the couch or the fold out in the study."

"I don't mind," Jesse piped up. I honestly didn't think he'd even noticed Noah past Theresa's starry eyes.

"You sure? I don't want to…"

"Be a bother?" I finished for him. "Family ain't a bother, Noah. Thought you'd know that…you know, since you're so smart and all."

He laughed then. That's the way it is with good friends, the people who really know you. You can always make each other laugh. I'm not saying things wasn't serious but sometimes you got to find something to laugh about. Tension will kill you otherwise.

So we set to getting everyone where they needed to be. Lou called once she got home and had Al and Rachel settled as well as her boys. And then Ike called saying they were all fine and safe and getting the kids to bed. So all that was left was the bunch in my house. Emma took one room with Sarah Jean and Noah took another with Michael. Jesse decided the fold out couch in the study was the best plan and got himself settled in and that just left Sherry. There was another room left for her. I know she said over and over that she could just go home but her voice and her eyes begged us not to take her up on it. I wouldn't have anyway.

Me and Joanie gave her some privacy while she called her folks in Midland. They'd been worried sick getting the news reports and not being able to get a hold of her. But she assured them that she was safe and Billy was as safe as he could be.

We convinced her to go to bed after her phone call. She needed her rest after all. It was shortly after that when Billy knocked on the door. He looked like he'd been drug behind a horse but he was there. I hugged him tight and Joanie fixed him a plate. Once he ate I told him which room Sherry was in. I worried she wasn't sleeping. I think at least she probably got some sleep once she had her husband with her.

Finally it was just me and Joanie and we didn't even say anything to each other then. We just dragged ourselves up the stairs and got ready for bed. It was still hot as Hell and I'll say the benefit to that is a whole lot less clothes between us. Most nights it was that hot, we wouldn't be even touching each other but it was a weird day and we needed to connect.

She curled around me and I held her tight and we ignored how the sweat was building up between us. I took a deep breath and tried to remind myself that we'd done all we could to make sure everyone was safe. Lou was being looked after even though she'd hate me saying it like that. Buck and Ike were together and everyone else was under my roof. And my Joanie was in my arms. I held her tighter to me.

"James," she whispered against my chest. "I'm frightened."

"I know, sweetheart," I said softly. "I am too."

I felt her tears fall on my skin.

"Shh," I whispered stroking her unruly hair and kissing the top of her head. "We're going to get through this."

"You don't know that, James. You can't."

"Maybe I can't know it for sure but I have faith that we can work hard enough to look after our family. I have faith that Sam isn't the only police officer seeing a bigger picture. I have faith that there are more people with hearts like yours than any other sort. If all this had happened before I met you, I wouldn't think a single thing could ever be good. As long as I have you, I think I can see something good still happening."

"How can any good come of all this, James?" she asked me and if I didn't know better than most what a fully grown woman she was, I would have thought that I had a small child in my arms. She sounded so frail and pleading.

"It can't while the ugliness is going on. But when it's over and people see the damage and the hurt…we can heal, we can see how we hurt everyone, and we can work together."

She nuzzled into my neck. And I was brought back to the way she talked to me when we flew to Miami for our honeymoon.

"We're going to keep our family safe," I said softly. "And when this is over, we'll all help clean it up. We'll keep working to build a world worthy of Michael and Sarah Jean and that little one in Sherry's belly and Rachel's too. And then…we'll get to making one of them ourselves. It's the children that will do it, Joanie. See how Sarah and Karen and Timmy and Bobby and the rest don't even notice what color Noah's skin is? And how they play the same with Michael as with anyone else? We overrun the world with children who don't care about things like brown or white skin. And someday we'll see our children playing with all of the others. And Noah will find a nice girl…a really nice girl. And he'll have more children that will be family the same as Michael. You'll see, Joanie. I promise…you'll see."

"I love you," she whispered between sniffles.

"I love you too, beautiful."

* * *

><p>The next morning I scarcely recognized my kitchen. For starters, Joanie was wearing the ruffly apron and cooking which she wasn't one to do as much of as maybe some women. But she was not alone. Emma was in there as well and Sherry too.<p>

Billy was stuffing his face with pancakes. I think at another time something so heavy wouldn't have been what anyone wanted on such a hot day but I was glad Billy was eating good. He'd be covering this thing all day and I didn't know when he'd find time to eat again. Sherry was all but spoon feeding him. I know part of that was the hormones from pregnancy making her feel she needed to take care of someone.

More if it though was how different she was with him than anyone else. She was never the kind of girl to dote on a guy. It just wasn't her. But Billy was a different story. She babied him like I know she wouldn't anyone else. Of course he fussed over her too. I don't know if she'd've taken that from anyone else either but that man could all but cut her meat for her and all he'd get in response was a sweet smile and a "thank you, Will." It was really sort of wonderful they found each other.

Well, that was Monday the 24th. It was mostly more of the same. I know the rioting spread out more that day. And things escalated that day. Hundreds of fires were reported. Our police got back up from the State Police. They were getting help from anywhere they could. I guess some people being arrested weren't giving their real names so every single person had to have their fingerprints checked. Nowadays there is a computer data base for them all and police can scan a fingerprint on their phones and get a result in minutes. But this was 1967 and we didn't have those computers and smart phones and such then. Anyway, the police department over in Windsor even sent some people to help with the fingerprint checking.

I didn't know all that at the time. But I knew it sooner than most. I got it from Sam that night when he called. I also found out that Governor Romney wanted federal troops to help out. They didn't come that day though. See, in order for federal troops to be deployed the governor needed to declare a State of Insurrection and then the President had to agree and President Johnson wasn't sure the situation warranted that classification or something. So that Monday was just the Detroit police and State Police trying to get things under control.

We kept everyone where they had been the night before. It seemed good and people stayed pretty safe. Noah and Joanie both got calls from people wanting them to be their lawyers. There was a lot of accusations of police brutality and lots of people needed lawyers like Joanie and Noah. They still told those clients they couldn't come to them until things died down. People wasn't even being arraigned. They was just being brought in and locked up. Nothing was running quite right while the rioting was going on.

Emma tried to act like she wasn't worried sick. I wasn't buying it for a second though. For however independent she'd gotten after her husband had died, Sam Cain was her world and she was terrified he was going to be taken from her. To be honest, I was plenty worried for him too. He was a good man and I didn't like to think how any of us could move on if something happened to him.

When he called that night, he sounded terrible. I don't know if he'd been able to get any sleep since he'd gotten called in on Sunday morning and I doubted he was eating or anything either. He was typically a man who seemed in charge and mostly unflappable. I had seen him worried and I had seen him upset but I had never heard anything like this in his voice. There was something akin to panic in his tone and that was more frightening than the images behind Billy when he did his reports. I tried not to show how bad he rattled me as I handed the phone off to Emma. She didn't need the added worry. Besides, she'd hear it herself no matter how he tried to hide it.

I saw Noah and Joanie make sure Michael and Sarah were playing happily with Jesse before they came over to me. I was already close to Sherry.

"Any news?" Noah asked.

I shook my head.

"Not the kind that says when this is going to be over at any rate," I told him and the girls as well. "Over four hundred fires today alone. The cops are so busy chasing their tales they can't get ahead of anything."

"That's really about the size of it," chimed in a voice from behind me. I hadn't even heard Billy come in. "We've been careful about what we report. We sure don't want to make this any worse than it already is. But, yeah, the police are just overwhelmed. Even with the staties on board they can't make a dent in this mess."

At that point it finally registered to Sherry that her husband was there and she launched herself at him. I ain't sure how he stayed upright really. She was mighty big by then. But he kept his footing and set to calming her down.

"I'm fine, Sherry. You should sit back down. You need your rest."

"I should get you something to eat," she began but I cut her off.

"I'll get him a plate," I said. "I think the grill's still hot enough I can even manage a burger or two."

"Sounds perfect," Billy said as he navigated his wife back into a chair and made her put her feet up.

"Emma even made some potato salad," I called to him. "I know it's one of your favorites."

"Right about now, I think I could eat my shoes and call them my favorites," he joked back at me.

Noah and Joanie made to follow me. It wasn't so much they thought I needed that much help with filling a plate for Billy as it was that they wanted to give Billy and Sherry some space. I turned to them.

"Joanie, I appreciate the help but Emma's going to need you when she gets off the phone. I can see the color draining from her face right now."

Joanie nodded and went to hang close to Emma and help Jesse with the little ones. Noah looked at me like he wasn't sure what to do all of a sudden.

"You," I began. "Grab a couple beers and come on out on the deck and keep me company while I cook up a couple burgers for Lois Lane in there."

"Don't you mean Clark Kent?"

"He look like Superman to you?"

* * *

><p><strong>So...yeah...I finally got back to this one...I thought I knew what came next but now I wonder if I was right so it may be another good long while before I have anything on this...does everyone remember when I used to post updates almost daily?<strong>

**I think this will flow much more once I get past the riots. There's so much research and so many moving pieces to keep track of. But I think it's coming together now.-J**


	93. Chapter 93

I'd love to tell you that Gov. Romney finally getting to send in the National Guard helped things but in a lot of ways it just made things worse. I can't say for sure but I don't think the man had much choice. Nothing good was happening without the military. There sure wasn't no end in sight. But them army boys just shot anything that moved. Got the riots stopped sure enough but the loss of life was enormous.

Hell, don't look at me for answers. I ain't got 'em. I think that by the time the riots broke out, there was too much anger and outright hatred for there not to be that loss of life. Hurt to see it in my town though.

But whatever I felt about it and whatever people might say about if it was a good thing or not, the troops rolled in on Wednesday. One thing was for sure good. Sam came home. Well, he came to our house. He wasn't going to take his family back to their house until everything was over and he knew it was safe.

I don't think Emma even cared a great deal about getting to her house. She said she wanted to go back but her heart wasn't in it. Frankly, I think she was just so relieved to have him where she knew he was alright that if he said they were living in the gutter, she would have just smiled and nodded. But I'm getting ahead of the story here. I keep doing that, don't I?

We all stayed in mostly like we was under house arrest or something. I sure as hell wasn't going to let Sherry go anywhere with that belly of hers and Noah couldn't very well show his face…especially once the troops was there. Mostly everyone stayed put. I know that was rough on Jesse. He and Theresa talked on the phone as much as we'd let him and as much as they could. Things like riots wreak havoc with phone lines. You'd think Theresa held all the oxygen in the world for how he acted to be without her.

I tried to be annoyed with his hangdog expression but, if I'm being honest, there was something good and true in his love for her. Yeah, I know they was young but it was love. Kids that young can be in love. I ain't saying anyone would be giving a blessing for them to run off and get hitched or anything but it was love all the same. There's a certain hope that comes with seeing the kind of love that young people like that can find themselves in. Some sort of assurance that the world is still the same place you know even if it don't look like it.

So there we were and I will say that until Sam rolled in, our own tensions was threatening to boil over the same as the tensions on 12th Street did. I think we was all just getting a little sick of each other and sick of worrying too.

We played Monopoly until it became almost a blood match and then tried to find other things to do to bide our time. Joanie was a trooper. I was so proud of her. I knew her worries were eating her alive but she never let it show. Once everything was over I knew I would have to keep a close eye on her. She was frightened for Al and Rachel and Lou and the kids every day until they would call. She would fret about Ike and Buck until she heard from Annie or Carol. She worried for Sherry's health and for Noah. She knew how deeply something like this would hurt him. But she fretted most for Sam and Billy. They were in it every day. I think once Sam would call at night and Billy would get in, she would finally allow herself to relax just a little bit.

Sherry didn't even really try to keep it together for the most part. We got her to rest as much as possible but she spent a lot of time just sitting in a rocking chair on our front porch watching the street for the husband she knew wasn't coming until late every night. I couldn't stand it that Tuesday and went out to sit with her a bit. Joanie had tried talking to her and it wasn't really any use. But I was stubborn.

"Penny for your thoughts," I said as I settled onto the chair next to hers.

"I doubt they're worth that much," she replied.

"I've known you for a good while, Sherry," I told her. "Seven years, or something close…your thoughts are always worth far more."

"I'm afraid they're just a big jumbled mess right now," she choked out before the tears overtook her. Now, I know I've talked a good deal about Sherry and the kind of girl she is. She is anything but a weepy sort. But then she was under some extreme conditions and she was getting awful close to her due date. Not like she was due any time or anything but it seems she was maybe two months off. Her hormones were messing with her something fierce.

I never could handle seeing a woman cry so I just reached over and held her close to me.

"He'll be alright," I assured her. "If for no other reason than it won't occur to him that he should consider himself in danger."

"I'm a scientist, remember?" she challenged me with a wry smile. "I know he seems happy-go-lucky, but he's scared. And even if he wasn't, that wouldn't protect him."

"I know. But he will always come home to you, to you and that baby. You have his whole world here. He didn't know he was looking for you until you were in front of him. I ain't never seen a man change so fast but you…you made him want to. Not that he changed for you but you made him want something different out of life. He'll be fine. He'll come home."

"Can I hate you forever for lying to me if he doesn't?"

"Yeah…you sure can."

"Thanks, Jimmy," she whispered into my shirt.

I kissed the top of her head and she straightened up.

"I should go inside and see if Emma needs any help with the little ones."

"No," I corrected. "You should go inside and lay down in front of a fan and get some rest so I don't have to explain to your husband how I let you overtax yourself while you're carrying his child. Joanie and Jesse and Noah have Sarah Jean and Michael under control. Emma will be fine."

I heard a car door shut then and looked to see who had pulled in. Smiling I turned to Sherry.

"I think Emma will be just perfect now that he's here."

"Lucky her," Sherry muttered with a bitter tone that I had honestly never heard from her. Her hand flew to her mouth.

"Oh God! I'm sorry. I don't know what made me say that. Please…don't tell Emma. I'm happy he's home. I am."

"I know you are," I reassured her. "You're just worried about Billy."

"I think maybe I do need to lie down a bit," she said still horrified. I honestly didn't think she had that much to be horrified for but then my moods wasn't swinging quite as free as hers was at the time. Pregnancy's a roller coaster to be sure.

Sherry nodded a hello to Sam as he climbed the porch steps and she slipped inside. I hoped that she would lie down a bit. She was looking very tired.

"Are you a sight for sore eyes," I said to Sam as I didn't even bother sticking out a hand to shake and skipped right to a hug.

"I feel like I been drug behind a truck," he replied hugging me back.

"You look and smell like it too," I laughed. I'm sure once Emma's done hugging you within an inch of your life, she'll let you get a shower and a nap…maybe a meal too. Possibly not in that order."

"Hey Jimmy, Joanie wants to know what you did with-ˮ Jesse had leaned out the door to ask something. The question was quickly forgotten once he saw Sam. Some things just make a soul happy. Jesse learning to trust anyone and especially a man was one of those things. He completely dropped whatever he was about to ask me and bolted for Sam, throwing his arms around the man.

Now some boys Jesse's age would've played off that they was worried about Sam on Emma's behalf. But Jesse wasn't most boys his age. I could see tears forming in his big blue eyes and I could hear the shake in his voice when he spoke.

"I was so scared," he choked out.

Sam just hugged the boy back. I think he was too choked up to be back with his family to say anything at all. Well, aside from one thing.

"I know…I love you, son."

I stepped into the house to give them some time. I knew Emma would want to know Sam was home but I wasn't about to let even her interrupt that moment that was going on out on the porch. It wasn't but a minute later that they came into the house anyway. Sam didn't call out for her or anything. He just headed straight for the kitchen. An upset Emma was always a cooking Emma. Of course with as many mouths to feed as we had under our roof, that was probably a good thing.

She didn't see him walk into the room and I thought she might have jumped a full foot off the ground when he slipped his arms around her waist from behind but she didn't even need to turn around to know who had her. She just closed her eyes and leaned back against him.

Somehow we kept Sherry in bed until Billy came home. It was an earlier day for him. I think by then the extraordinary had become ordinary at the station. The first couple days they were chasing their tails trying to figure how to cover everything and coordinate personnel and all but by then it seemed they had everything running like a well oiled machine. So Billy was home for supper. Or…well, at our home. I guess everyone had made the adjustments and gotten as comfortable as possible with them.

It was still hot as anything so we ate on the deck I'd built. I was never so glad to have a project finished in my life. That deck was a godsend. Our eating was interrupted a couple of times by the phone as Lou called and we all talked to her and Al and then Jesse had to get on and talk to Theresa a little bit. Then Ike called to let us know that he and Buck and their families was doing alright. Getting a little sick of each other but overall, they was fine.

After supper we set to getting the little ones to bed. And then Emma made Jesse go to bed too. He didn't want to but right about then, he was so grateful to have Sam home, he'd've done anything either of them asked.

Eventually it was just the men sitting around the table on the deck sipping beer and talking. We intentionally avoided talking about the situation. We talked about the Tigers, the Lions and their chances this season, anything we could to keep from talking about what was all over the news and what Billy and Sam had been seeing up close and personal. After a bit, Joanie came out on the deck with a fresh round of Stroh's and perched herself on my lap.

"Emma and Sherry have gone to bed," she said. "I think Emma's just exhausted from having been worried so long and poor Sherry…she's just worn out."

Billy looked a little green right about then. He knew he was worrying his wife and it bothered him. Joanie caught his look though.

"We make her rest as much as we can," she told him. "She'll be fine. You just keep coming home at the end of the day and she'll be alright. She's stronger than even she thinks she is."

Sam chuckled.

"Most of us are," he said flatly. "I think that's the biggest thing I've learned wearing a badge. We can survive what we never thought we could. I imagine Jimmy here is going to be plenty lonely once the dust settles."

I looked at him weird but Joanie nodded her understanding.

"Noah and I have lists of potential clients that will keep us and the rest of the firm busy into next year," she agreed. "There are a lot of allegations of police brutality and excessive force."

She seemed to add the last reluctantly but Sam nodded as he swallowed some more of his beer.

"Most of them are probably true too. I won't make excuses or even defend what was done but…I know I saw things getting out of hand more than once. We're supposed to be better than that."

"You're only human," Billy said. "Things I've seen in the last few days…if I was the one with the gun and the badge, I'm not sure I could've held it together as well as they have."

"Still doesn't make it right," Noah piped up.

"I'm not saying it does," Billy answered almost defensively. "I'm just saying that folks on both sides are losing their cool and you can't blame one side more than the other. It's ugly out there, Noah."

"I know it is," Noah acknowledged. "Honestly, I don't know how I'd be doing if I was one of the cops at this point."

We sat quiet for a little while and then Sam broke our silence with a question for Billy.

"What's it like out there now with the army boys in town?"

"Weird," Billy replied honestly. "Really weird. Tanks rolling down the streets and firing at nearly any movement, especially if it's someone with darker skin doing the moving. I don't even recognize my own town anymore, Sam. I was born here and lived my whole life here and I feel like I was picked up and dropped in some foreign country. It's just weird out there."

I felt Joanie shudder against me.

"Was there any way the police could have gotten this under control on their own?" I asked Sam.

He just shook his head.

"Might've died out on its own in time but whether any of the city would still be standing by then was debatable. Of course, it don't look like the army is getting it under control just yet either. Maybe there is no getting something like this under control."

We all got quiet for a while before Billy stood up stretching and then drained the last swallow of his beer.

"I don't know about the rest of you but tomorrow promises to be just as long as today was. I'm going to go and cuddle up to my wife and get some sleep while I can."

Sleep sounded like a good idea to the rest of us too and I knew Sam would be wanting to go and cuddle with his wife as well so we disbanded from the porch and all headed inside and to bed.

I had barely laid down and Joanie was right tight to me.

"I know, sweetie," I said softly to her. "I know."

There wasn't need of any other words.

Well, the next day our lives seemed to center around the phone. First Sam got a call. He had told his superiors to call him at our number. I doubt he was the only cop in Detroit not staying in his own home. Something had gone down at the Algiers Motel. Dead bodies were found and someone was going to have to investigate. Sam, being a detective, was the someone they chose. He took off after breakfast.

While we was still eating breakfast, another call came. This was for Noah. It was Rosemary. I almost hung up on her when I heard her voice. I know what happened between us was as much my fault as hers but after what she had done to Noah and then what she tried to do with me and with Billy, I never could get a good feeling about her.

I have to say that with all that ended up happening, that not a day goes by that I don't wish I had hung up on her. But I didn't. I handed the phone to Noah. I didn't overtly eavesdrop but I heard his voice getting louder and sounding urgent. Something wasn't right. It made the hairs on my neck stand up and I felt sick to my stomach.

Once Noah was off the phone, he walked back into the kitchen, grabbed his bagel and swallowed the rest of his coffee.

"I have to go," he said tensely. "You guys can keep an eye on Michael, can't you?"

"Michael ain't a problem," I told him. "But you're not going anywhere. It ain't safe."

"Not safe for Rosie either," he said and I could see the muscles in his jaw clenching. I knew she called him because she couldn't think of anyone else to call but he was going to read her the riot act when he got to her.

Of course, I had to put up more of a fight to his leaving anyway. I wasn't lying when I said it wasn't safe. Actually Rosemary was probably safer than Noah would be. His skin was the target of all them army boys. And I don't mean it as any real racist thing but it was an extreme situation and they wouldn't be near as likely to shoot at a white woman—no matter how crazy she was acting.

"Noah…you know the ones with guns ain't going to shoot a woman…not a white one anyway. But you, they wouldn't think anything of it. And especially if you're talking to a white woman. Back me up here, Sam."

I was pleading with him.

"Jimmy's right, Noah," Sam said. "You need to stay in. Think of that boy. He needs you."

"I have to go," Noah reiterated.

I actually stood in front of the door, blocking it with my body.

"I can't let you," I insisted. "We love Michael and watching him a few hours here and there is all fine and good but he needs you. You can't risk being taken from him like this."

"And what do I tell him if something happens to his mother and I didn't try to help her?"

"That she made her choices and you chose to stay safe for him."

"What kind of man does that make me?"

"A living one," I said flatly. "One that's still there to worry about facing his boy."

"Where is she?" Billy asked and I glared at him. It didn't matter at all as far as I was concerned. Noah needed to stay safe until the trouble blew over.

"Down on 12th."

"I'm going to be down that way today," Billy said. "I'll talk to her for you. You just need to get her to go on home, right? I can do that for you. You stay safe and with Michael and help these guys look after my wife and I'll see that Michael still has a mother. How's that sound?"

"She won't listen to you," Noah told him. "You don't know her like I do."

"Maybe," Billy began, "Maybe…well, if you were with me, in the news truck, it seems you'd be safe. You'd be part of the news crew as far as anyone knew. What do you think, Sam?"

"I think that's pretty sound," Sam answered and I wanted to hit the both of them. I just had a bad feeling. I could see Joanie did too. I could see it on her face.

So it was decided that Noah would go with Billy and Sam had to leave too to check into the dead bodies at the Algiers. I stayed home with Joanie and Emma and Sherry. Jesse and I were the only things passing for men in the house. Not that there was much male bonding going on. We were all very quiet. Honestly, I think we all had a bad feeling that day. So when the phone rang a little after noon, we all jumped. I went to answer it.

"Jimmy?"

I could barely recognize Billy's voice. There was yelling behind him and sirens and his voice was shaking and cracking and I got the feeling he might be crying.

"Are you alright, Billy?"

"Yeah," he breathed. "I'm just fine…but…"

"But what?"

"Noah…Noah's…he's…he's dead, Jimmy."

* * *

><p><strong>I know that Noah dying isn't actually a shock but this makes me terribly sad...This is not one of the more charming chapters in Detroit history.-J<strong>


	94. Chapter 94

"Billy," I said, "I don't think I heard you right. Sounds like there's a lot of commotion around you. It sounded like you said Noah was dead."

"I'm sorry," he replied. "I tried…I…"

His voice trailed away.

"Are you sure?"

Okay it was a dumb question but I think at a time like that grasping at any hope you can is just human nature.

"Yeah," he said bitterly. "I'm sure."

"What the hell happened?" I demanded. I was running through the stages of grief pretty quick. "He was supposed to be safe with you."

"I told him…" his voice trailed off again. "I really don't want to talk about this now. Just…well, the cameras rolled and I tried to convince the station not to use the footage but…just be careful who watches the broadcast tonight. For sure do not let Sherry watch it. And make sure Michael's out of the room."

Now Michael was just shy of his second birthday then and he wouldn't have sat to watch the news for anything. But he liked to watch when Billy came on. He recognized him and it baffled and delighted him that Billy was somehow inside that little box. I understood. If he were to recognize his daddy in the box…well, that could get bad fast.

"How bad's the footage?"

"We're cutting him actually getting shot but it's still pretty bad," Billy answered.

"You up to trying to calm your wife down or should I?" I asked him. "Once she hears about this…"

There was no need to finish. She could play the strong stoic in every other part of her life but where her husband was concerned.

"I don't think I can be very reassuring right now," he said. "And especially not at a pay phone. I'll be home right after the six o'clock broadcast. Tell her I'll see her then. I'm headed back to the station now so she doesn't need to worry for me anymore."

"I'll talk to her," I assured him.

"Thanks, Jimmy. I owe you one."

I hung up and lifted my eyes from the receiver I had just set down to see Joanie's big brown eyes staring at me.

"What is it, my love?" she asked. "You look…I can't even describe it. But something's wrong, isn't it?"

I nodded.

"Where's everyone else?"

"Jesse's out on the deck," she began ticking off everyone in the house. "Sherry's sitting on the rocker on the porch and Emma's getting Michael and Sarah Jean down for their naps."

"I'd rather not have to repeat news like this," I explained. "I'll get Jesse if you can get Sherry off the porch and then we can wait for Emma to come downstairs."

"How bad is it?"

"Bad."

We got everyone assembled and I gave them the news.

Joanie burst into tears, Emma let out a gasp and Sherry nearly started hyperventilating. Jesse just stood there with his arms to his side and his hands balling into fists over and over.

"Sherry," I said, starting with the one whose health was most fragile. "Billy's fine. I don't know what all happened but I don't think he was ever in any danger. He's back at the station by now, I would expect…or close enough to it to be safe as a kitten. He'll be home after the broadcast at six."

She still didn't look good and I turned to Emma who seemed to be holding it together the best of all of us. She would possibly break down eventually but I figured she would do it when she was alone or once it was just her and Sam.

"Emma, Joanie's got some tranquilizers in the medicine cabinet. They're mild and pretty safe. Could you get a couple for Sherry and see that she gets to bed. With any luck she'll sleep right through until her husband comes home."

"Not if I get to him first," growled Jesse. I grabbed his arm and pulled him as far from Sherry and Emma as I could.

"I get your anger," I told him. "I'm feeling it too and it's normal when we're grieving to get angry. But you cannot take it out on Billy. He's torn up something awful about this. He was very close to Noah too. He and Sherry have watched Michael many times. Noah was like a brother to him. You work your anger out but do it without hurting anyone who's already suffering."

"But he was supposed to keep him safe," Jesse lamented and actually let Joanie put an arm around him. "He was supposed to make sure he came home. What's Michael going to do now?"

Joanie spoke up then.

"Noah was a stubborn and proud man," she began. "Often those were fine qualities. He would not have made it into law school, let alone through it without them. But qualities like that can also be a fatal flaw."

Her voice cracked at that but she kept going.

"If Noah set his mind to something, Billy wouldn't have been able to stop him. As for Michael, Sam and Emma have legal rights to him now. I would expect Rosemary to fight it but they'll have the firm on their side and she won't find many who'll go against us. Daddy and Uncle Eli will argue it themselves if they have to in order to make sure that Michael stays where Noah wanted him. He's your new brother, Jesse. As sad as I am right now, I know that you'll love him and look after him like you do Sarah Jean. It's what Noah would want."

"I…I need to be alone," Jesse said sadly and before Joanie or I could say anything else or even think to say anything he headed for the back door. Joanie moved to go after him but I caught her arm.

"Let him go," I said. "He ain't heading out front so he can't get mixed up into anything. Let the boy have some space. He needs to try to make sense of this."

"How can we expect him to make sense of it when I can't?"

"I don't know, sweetheart. I just don't know."

We were alone in the living room then. Emma had taken Sherry upstairs and Jesse was out back. I found him later practicing his fastball against the oak in the yard. The tree wasn't any worse for wear so I guess it was a good way for him to work things out.

Joanie was crying and I couldn't hold it back any longer either. Noah and I…well, we were like brothers. I know people say things like that but we were. I loved him like I loved Kid and Billy and I wasn't sure how to deal with the news we'd gotten. I think a part of me was still hoping there was some mistake but the larger part knew there wasn't. I let go and I think Joanie was holding me up for a while. I just couldn't believe the man who'd been standing in my kitchen munching a bagel just that morning was gone from the world so quickly, so senselessly.

I sobbed and clung to Joanie. She was the only thing I felt I had right then that was certain. Everything else in my whole life felt so tenuous. It was worse than getting the news about Kid. At least with Kid, I still had a feeling he was alive somewhere. He might be going through hell but he was alive. Noah wasn't. Noah was gone. I couldn't hope to ever joke with him again. I would never feel my heart swell at the sight of him holding Michael.

My mind went to that day in August a few years earlier. We stood crowded together listening to a man who was undoubtedly heartbroken about what was happening in the city. That man never thought violence was the answer. If we could have lived in the world that Dr. King spoke of that day in Washington, Noah would still be alive and playing with his son.

I wasn't sure how we'd explain to someone so small that his daddy loved him but still wasn't ever coming home to him. He'd had a hard enough time understanding that his mommy and daddy didn't live together. He was entering the 'why' stage and I knew that through our pain we'd have to try to answer why daddy wasn't there an awful lot. I wasn't sure how I was going to look into those eyes—his father's eyes—and explain. The explaining was made all the harder by the fact that I didn't understand it myself. There was no reason for that man to be dead.

"You should rest, James," Joanie said stroking my cheek. "You've been so strong for all of us…you need to rest."

"But…the others," I said weakly. "I need to tell them. The other kids always watch for their Uncle Billy on the TV…they can't see this…it's going to be on the TV…"

"I'll call and talk to them," she assured me. "Do you need help up the stairs?"

Normally that would be an invitation and one I couldn't refuse but we were both hurting so bad…I just shook my head and headed wearily toward the stairs. I could hear Joanie pick up the phone and start to dial.

I wasn't sure I'd sleep when I rested my head on the pillow but I had a fan blowing on me and I guess the exhaustion of crying did me in. I woke up just before Sam got in. He had already heard and I could see it weighing heavily on him. Sam had always liked Noah and he knew that Emma thought of Noah as one of her informally adopted children.

We sat down to watch the news. Sherry was awake but none of us, including her, thought it was a good idea for her to watch. She stayed out back with the little ones. Emma wanted Jesse to as well and Jesse balked at the idea.

"You mind your mother now," Sam stated.

"Sam, I'm seventeen years old," Jesse countered and Sam gave in that quick. We often forget how old our kids are. And seventeen year old Jesse was a far cry from the frightened fourteen year old they had taken in.

Emma, Sam and Jesse sat close together on the couch trying to draw as much strength from one another as they could. Joanie sat on my lap and I held her tight to me. I ain't sure which of us was doing the comforting and which was being comforted.

Billy's segment led the broadcast. He stood there in front of that footage. Noah was laying there in the street, blood pooling around him and Billy had run to him. I couldn't take my eyes off of the sight of Billy kneeling on the trash strewn street cradling Noah's head to his chest. I could read his lips as he begged Noah to stay with him, to be alright. I saw the tears slide down his face when the body in his arms went limp.

To this day, I can't remember what Billy said when he was describing the scene for the viewers. I honestly don't even think I heard the words. But those images will never leave me.

Much later in the evening, everyone else had gone to bed except for me and Billy. We sat on the deck with a bottle of Jack Daniels.

"What happened?" I asked finally. I had to know but, more important, I was pretty sure that Billy had to tell.

"We found her," he said. "She was screaming and ranting against the National Guard troops. I know they wouldn't have shot her but Noah couldn't be convinced. It wasn't just about Michael either. As much as she hurt him, part of him still loved her."

I nodded. I could tell that morning in how he'd referred to her as Rosie. He'd called her a good many things since their split but Rosie was something he had only called her when things was good. I ain't saying they was getting back together or anything but the worry he had made him realize he didn't hate her and probably he still loved her some.

"I told him to stay in the truck," Billy continued. "I told him that we'd get closer and I'd get out with the cameras and such so he'd look like part of the crew. He didn't listen though and jumped out and ran for her. 'Rosie,' he yelled. 'You got to come with me…for Michael.' She just kept ranting away that she was doing what she was doing for Michael so the world would be better for him. I heard the army guys yelling for him to get away from the lady. I'm sure they thought she was being attacked by some wild black man. He kept going toward her and that's when I heard the shots. He just dropped. It isn't at all like they show you in the movies where the force knocks you forward or backward. He just dropped. I ran for him. I guess you saw the rest."

I nodded.

"I thought I could keep him safe. I thought I could keep them both safe. I guess I got way too full of myself. I don't know how I am ever going to face that boy."

"As one of the best friends his father had," I said. "Michael will always know that his father wasn't alone when he died. You were there and you wept for him. He'll know you as a good man who tried to do something right in a very wrong situation. He will because that's what I see and that's what I'll tell him."

"Time will come when he won't even remember his old man," Billy said sadly. "He'll just be pictures and stories we tell him."

"I know. We'll just have to be sure to give him as much of his dad as we can."

I sipped at the whiskey and thought a bit more.

"What happened to Rosemary?"

"Oh she really went crazy after that," Billy replied. "It ain't my place to say it maybe but I think she might have been on something. Anyway, she started screaming at the army guys and calling them murderers. Then she pulled a gun out of her purse…I didn't know she had a gun, I swear. But she pulled it and pointed it at this National Guard guy who was coming to check on Noah and she pulled the trigger. Got him in the arm and then turned and fired at some police officers who were trying to take her into custody. Thank goodness for her, she missed them. She ran out of bullets and they arrested her. I'd say that there won't be a challenge coming from her for getting Michael. He should be able to stay with Emma and Sam without any fight at all."

"Unless she gets herself a good lawyer."

"Our cameras were still rolling, Jimmy," Billy pointed out. "We didn't air that part because it didn't have anything to do with the riots really. I agreed to turn over that part of the footage to the DA. She's going to prison, Jimmy. The best lawyer around can't get her entirely off, you know that."

So we rode out the rest of the riots in a fog of grief. By the weekend, the troops were gone and all that was left was cleaning up the mess. We all agreed it was safe enough for Jesse to take Theresa to a show. To Sir, With Love was still in the theatres and he took her to that even though I think they'd seen it already. It was really just about them spending some time together. Besides, that is a really good movie. I've seen it dozens of times and it never gets old.

Billy took Sherry back home and she looked okay for the first time in a week. Emma and Sam went home with Jesse and the little ones. It was a sad thing but I knew Michael would be taken care of and loved.

Buck and Carol took their kids back home and Ike and Annie got their house back. Al and Rachel headed home too. The house was fine, as was Emma and Sam's. But the garage was burnt to the ground. It was a sad thing to see. I know it took the wind out of Al's sails a little to see it. But he just took a deep breath and squared his shoulders and declared that this is what insurance was for and he would simply rebuild. His child would not know a quitter for a father.

A few days after things went as close to back to normal as they could, we buried Noah. His aunt came up from Chicago and we finally got to meet her. She thanked us all for being so good to him. I thanked her for being the one to raise him, to make him into the man he was.

It was hard with Michael for a while, for all of us. He would ask frequently when Daddy was coming home. In time he understood that Daddy wasn't coming back. I think he took it personal until he understood death a little better. In time, he got the whole story and I ain't sure if that made it better or worse but there comes a time when a man needs to know the truth. But I'm getting ahead of myself again, ain't I? Cut me some slack…I'm just an old man, after all.

So where was I? Oh yeah, the aftermath of the riots. Well, Sam was still trying to figure what happened at the Algiers. He wasn't making much progress and the way people was getting in his way, he was getting a bad feeling about who killed them men. I wish I could say that I doubted his suspicions but I was right there with him.

Not everything was sad and tragic though. As a reminder of how time and life march on no matter how wrong it sometimes seems for them to do so, early September brought the birth of William Frederick Cody, Jr. I think Billy felt a little guilty at first to be welcoming a new life after so much death and hardship on all of us, but I believe Little Billy's birth was just what we all needed. Sometimes we need that kick in the pants that reminds us that we're still breathing and if we're still breathing it's because we got a purpose. He sure was a cute little guy too.

* * *

><p><strong>I really wish Noah didn't have to die. I contemplated a few ways that this could go but if you ever see the racial breakdown of people who were killed in the riots, you would know it was Noah. Besides, his death is very important later on.<strong>

**So...yeah...this is where we stand. I am so glad the stinking riots are over.-J**


	95. Chapter 95

Don't know how many people outside of music and theatre know about it but up north in Michigan there's a camp. I guess it's a boarding school too but lots more people go to the camp. It's called Interlochen. Pretty impressive place and a lot of really impressive people have gone there.

Well, while we all was recovering from the riots and Noah's death, Theresa went up there. We wasn't sure Lou could swing it but it meant so much to Theresa. I didn't exactly ask Mr. Cohen or Uncle Eli for anything but I did invite them to one of her plays she did at some local theatre early in the summer. They had eyes and they knew that she could get in and all so they decided it was a good investment to pay to send her there. That camp don't come cheap. I knew it then and I found out for myself later on. But that's a story for another time.

Anyway, Theresa had been gone about a week out of her four week session. She went for the whole month of August and got back just in time to get her school supplies and start the new school year. Well, that first week, Jesse was even more irritable than I thought he would be. I just chalked it up to his girlfriend being gone and didn't think much more of it. I had a lot on my mind.

Billy was still taking Noah's death even harder than the rest of us. Of course, Noah died in his arms. I can't even imagine what that was like. And Sherry was worried for Billy and not always taking as good of care of herself as she was her husband. I know I told you before about the baby being born but he hadn't been yet then.

Joanie was crumbling too. The death and devastation in the city coupled with the death of her dear friend and then piled on top of a slew of new clients and she was just overwhelmed.

Most evenings I ended up just holding Joanie and letting her cry on me. Some nights, when I could pull her from her stacks of legal files, I would load her on the bike and we'd go for a ride. It helped some but escaping is only a temporary fix. Eventually you have to go back to what you're escaping from.

So, I admit I neglected the boy. I knew he was dealing with a lot too. Noah had been his friend and he was now a big brother to Michael who was still having trouble with why his daddy didn't come to pick him up. I should've reached out. I didn't.

I should be glad that I set us up with a good relationship early on. Remember when he was in such a bad place before he called me and that's how he ended up with Emma and Sam in the first place. He still knew he could come to me even when I wasn't being as open to him as I should be. I'd apologize for it but I'm only human and I needed some healing time too.

Well, one day I was puttering around the house just trying to keep busy. I think I had just changed the oil in the 'Vette as a matter of fact and up drove Jesse. He was so proud of himself that he'd earned enough money working for Al to buy himself a car. It wasn't fancy or new but he knew how to keep it running good and it was a set of wheels.

I smiled and waved at him as he pulled in the driveway and watched him get out like the weight of the world was on his shoulders. I'll confess to being a bit annoyed that I was going to have to spend part of my day listening to him whine about his girlfriend being gone. It just seemed so trivial. Usually I could put things like that into perspective and remember how little things seemed so huge when I was that age. But there was too much big stuff right about then.

I pasted on the sympathetic smile though.

"Hey Jesse," I called to him. "Didn't expect to see you around. Thought you'd've gotten your fill of me and this house for a while."

Jesse was quiet and I started to get the idea that he had deeper problems than I originally thought.

"You alright, kiddo?"

That's when he turned those big blue eyes at me. They broke my heart.

"Come on and sit on the deck with me a spell," I said. I grabbed a couple Stroh's as we walked through the house to the back door. I know he was still most of a year from being legal to drink but something told me he could use a cold one right about then. And I wasn't dumb enough to think he'd never had a drink before. He was the starting quarterback of the football team for crying out loud. I knew he partied with the team and I knew he probably drank harder than just beer when he did. I had also hidden it from Emma and Sam that Joanie caught him smoking pot on the roof of the garage one day. We had a good talk about it and I told him I wouldn't cover for him if I heard of it again. He wasn't any angel but mostly he was a good kid and he tried damned hard to be a good son to Sam and Emma.

We sat on the deck sipping our beer in silence and finally I had to say something.

"Jesse," I began. "I don't want to rush you or nothing but you came here for a reason and I'm pretty sure it was to talk. You might want to say something."

"I can't," he said quietly. "I thought I could but I can't. I miss Noah. I could go to him with this. You'll hate me. I can't stand to think of you hating me but you will!"

I really took stock of his body language then. You have to first understand that this wasn't the scrawny, gawky fourteen year old that I'd rescued and sent to Emma anymore. He was seventeen and filling out nice. He played football, basketball and baseball and excelled at all of them. He easily had two and maybe even three inches on me and probably a few pounds of muscle as well. He was a big guy. I called him kiddo and thought of him like a kid still but he was working his way to being a man.

You wouldn't have known it to look at him right then though. I hadn't seen him try to make himself this small since the first night when Joanie and I took him in and he had those nightmares. He was afraid of me. He wasn't just afraid I'd hate him. I think he was afraid that if he told me what was bothering him that I'd hit him.

"Jesse," I said softly like I used to when he was much younger. "I need to say a couple things to you and I need you to listen real close. Because they're true. They ain't things I say just to say 'em."

He lifted those sad and scared eyes to me and it hurt to see him in that state.

"First thing I need to say is that I love you. I don't say that often to men and maybe men don't say it often enough to each other but it's true. You're like a little brother to me and I love you. I do. It ain't pity or even understanding where you came from. I just love you like I love my family and nothing you, or anyone else, says or does can change that. If you all of a sudden decided to do something that would get you locked up next to your brother, I'd still love you. I'd get Joanie and her dad and uncles on the case and I'd never miss a visit or a hearing because I love you."

I paused to see if my words were sinking in. I think they were a little. I could see his eyes getting wet. Then he surprised me and whispered something so soft I wasn't sure I heard it at first.

"I love you too."

"Next thing I want to say is that I'm damned proud of you. And I don't just mean all you've accomplished though that's part of it. I'm proud that I was able to help you. I don't always make the difference I want to and I did with you. You're a good man, Jesse. I don't call you that often enough but you are."

I took a breath and then looked right into those eyes that were killing me for all they held right then.

"Now, what's the matter? I promise I won't get upset with you. And I sure as hell won't hate you."

"It's about Theresa," he said cautiously. I understood then. This wasn't just about him missing her. Something happened and he knew how protective I was of her. I took another deep breath and a deeper pull of my beer before I said anything.

"I know you wouldn't ever do anything purposefully to hurt her," I said. "Tell me what happened."

"I messed up real bad," he replied.

"You sure about that?"

"Pretty sure."

"Tell me."

He sighed and it was his turn to grab some courage from the bottle in front of him.

"Well, all the time we been together, we hadn't…well, you know…gone all the way," he started. I almost stopped him. I was about to find out things I probably would have loved to have been kept in the dark about. But he needed me and he didn't have anyone else he felt safe enough talking to. So I let him go on.

"We went part of the way," he continued. "But never…all the way. I always remembered what you said. She was vulnerable because her dad ran out and Kid's missing and stuff. We kissed a lot and then lately…well, there's been a lot more…uh…touching. I always let her lead too. I followed willing enough, I admit."

"Jess," I interrupted. "You wasn't inexperienced before Theresa, were you?"

"You know I wasn't," he said and I saw the shame.

"I meant…before you met her…had you…well, when it was your choice?"

He nodded.

"It wasn't long after Sam and Emma took me in. Beth McCauley came on to me at a party I was at. There was a room where no one else was and…"

His voice trailed away. I nodded my understanding.

"Anyway," he said moving on with his story. "Theresa and I had been getting more…I don't know the word…"

"Passionate?" I offered trying to get thoughts of Theresa at all of eight years old out of my mind. I know she was older but I always saw her that way. Kind of how I tended to see Judy as perpetually thirteen. It's a bad habit but one I have a hard time breaking.

"I guess that's right. Well, one time we was together on the roof after we'd gone to the movies…she'd gotten me out of most of my clothes and she hitched up her skirt and slid her panties off and rolled on her back. I mean she was just offering it. But something in her eyes stopped me. She wasn't doing it because she was so in love with me or filled with passion but because she was scared. I don't know if she was scared I'd leave her if she didn't put out or what but I put her skirt back in place and just held her."

I wasn't expecting to hear that. I was actually even more proud of him than usual right then.

"She started crying. I think she thought I was rejecting her. I told her then. I told her…I hadn't ever told anyone before. I think you know though. The men my mom brought around. Not all of them wanted her. Some of them wanted me and she just let them. I was eight the first time it happened. Some of them paid her for me. Some, I don't even know what she got out of it. I was so scared to tell her. I mean what girl wants to hear about her guy doing that stuff? I thought she might up and leave me but I had to make her understand. I know what it feels like when people use you and I could never, ever use her. I mean…you said it yourself, someday it'll be right and when it is then that's the time. Not before."

He stopped talking for a moment to take a drink and wipe his eyes.

"I still feel dirty and wrong and disgusting. I thought she'd feel the same way about me. But I should've known her better than that. She started crying and just clung to me like she couldn't hold me tight enough. I guess I was crying too. It's hard to talk about stuff like that. She just started saying how sorry she was and then thanking God for you and for Emma and Sam. I realized about then that she wasn't going to turn from me. I think she knew how hard it was to tell her that."

"It takes a lot of guts to open up about something like that," I told him. "Says a lot about how you feel about her too."

"I told her I loved her then," he went on nodding. "I'd told her before and it wasn't ever a lie but I think that's the first time I understood the word right. I do love her, Jimmy."

"I know you do."

"Anyway," he began talking again. "We got…closer after that. It didn't stop us getting passionate either but we still didn't go all the way. She opened up more and talked about how she felt and she wasn't ready. She was ready for plenty enough to keep me happy though. Just not that. And it was okay. I told her I could wait. That I loved her and that someday it would feel right to her and it would be so much better for waiting until then.

"Things were real good for us until she was getting ready to leave for Interlochen. We had to find another place to meet up since the garage isn't rebuilt yet but we did. I ain't saying where though. But we were alone and it was private. I guess things got hotter and heavier than they ever had before because before I knew it we were both naked. I didn't remember undressing her or even her undressing me but there we were.

"She whispered in my ear that she wanted me, needed me. She was ready, she said. I worried a little and I told her I'd wait for her to get back and she didn't have to. She told me that she knew I'd be true to her and that's why she knew it was right. I guess you know there's only so much holding back a man can do when a naked woman he's in love with is begging him to…you know."

I nodded remembering a certain night on a beach in the UP.

"Well, I reached over and fished my wallet out of my jeans that was laying next to us. I keep a rubber in there just in case and I guess you know what happened next."

I did and I wasn't sure how I felt about it. Theresa was almost like a daughter to me. At the very least she was like a baby sister. But then Jesse was like my kid brother and it's not like he wasn't sensitive to her feelings or anything. He tried his darnedest to not pressure her and make sure she was ready and it sounds like she was…or she thought she was at any rate. I sort of wished she'd talked to someone before doing what she did.

"What happened after?" I asked.

"Well, she was kind of shaking so I hugged her tighter and asked if she was okay. She nodded but didn't seem to want to talk. I wasn't sure what to do but it's not like we had forever or anything. She had to get going for home before Lou started worrying and then she was up early and gone the next day. I told her I loved her again and she said she loved me too but it was weird. And I haven't heard from her since. I wrote her every day. Just like we said we would do and she hasn't written me at all. After a week, something would've come by now if she'd written. I messed up so bad, Jimmy. I don't even know what to do. I'm not going to see her for three more weeks and she's mad at me. Hell, she probably hates me. You probably do too now. What am I going to do?"

I have to say of all the things I thought when Jesse pulled into my driveway that day, that was the last thing I expected I'd be counseling him on. I wasn't even sure what to say.

"I'd tell you not to sweat it until you can talk to her but I know that's far easier said than done."

I heard a car pulling in then and checked my watch quick to confirm it was time for Joanie to be getting home. I had some steaks ready to hit the grill so I got up to greet her and make sure she knew I had supper under control. I figured tossing a salad would complete it well enough. It was still hot as hell and turning on the oven inside was a bad idea. We probably wouldn't even eat inside. I figured we'd sit on the deck and eat while we listened to Ernie on the radio.

Jesse touched my arm and looked scared.

"Yeah, I'm going to tell her," I said. "She loves you more than I do, I think. When you first came to us, I think she wanted to keep you. She can probably help."

I handed him a mint.

"Better suck on this though and we'll let her think I drank both of these," I added with a sheepish smile holding up the empty beer bottles. I could've told Sam I gave the kid a beer and he'd've been fine but the women were a little weird sometimes.

I made it in through the back door and into the kitchen just as Joanie got in.

"Is Jesse here?" she asked. "That's his car in the drive, isn't it?"

"I'm here, Joanie," he answered. "I was just leaving though."

"No you weren't," I told him. "You were coming in to get a Coke and help me chop up some vegetables for a salad to go with them steaks. And then you were staying for supper with us."

I leaned and kissed Joanie and went to the fridge and poured her a glass of iced tea.

"Actually, Jesse, how about you go out and get the coals ready while I catch up with my wife a little?"

He looked unsure at me but nodded and headed out back to start the grill.

I followed Joanie up the stairs where I knew she was going to get out of her business clothes and into something more comfortable. I needed to talk to her privately and I also decided that catching a glimpse of my gorgeous wife in her altogether was a nice little bonus.

"You know you're not getting any while the boy's here, right?" Joanie asked raising an eyebrow. I admit that from time to time I liked to take advantage of her unclothed state when she got home. I mean I wasn't trying to be a letch or anything but she was tired and needed a foot rub or back rub and then one thing could sometimes lead to another.

"I can honestly say that I didn't come up here to start nothing, sweetie," I told her. "Though the view is pretty nice."

I was rewarded with her blouse flying at me and landing on top of my head.

"Actually I came up here to talk about Jesse," I explained. "He's got a bit of a problem and I don't know as I'm the best one to help him. He's too embarrassed to talk to you himself, or at least to start the talking."

"Uh-oh…that doesn't sound good at all," she said as she buttoned up a cotton blouse, the kind that doesn't have sleeves. She looked a lot cooler and more comfortable by then. "Tell me about it."

She sat down at her dressing table and set to taking off the jewelry she wore to work and listened to me fill her in. By the time she was down to her wedding ring and the star of David she wore all the time, I was most of the way through the story. She twisted her unruly curls up off her neck and pinned them up while I finished it.

I couldn't really read her expression and she was real quiet for a minute when I finished talking.

"The poor dear," she said at last. "He must be terrified. I remember how scared you were that you messed things up after our first time too. And I was right there to come see you and talk about it. I can only imagine though the things that are going through poor Theresa's head. She might've thought she was ready but I doubt she was."

That thought had occurred to me too and I'm sure it had also occurred to Jesse.

"Is that why he was in such a hurry to leave?" she asked.

"I think he still thinks I'm going to beat on him for deflowering her or something," I said and I caught her look. She was so protective of him and I understood it too.

"I didn't even raise my voice," I said quickly trying to defend myself. "I'm not mad at him. I maybe need to make that clearer. But I didn't say a single judgmental thing and I didn't yell or anything. I swear it, Joanie. You know how I feel about that boy. I admit I'm conflicted here but I don't hold a single thing against him. I'd like to have a few words with a certain young lady though. It's probably a good thing I won't see her for three more weeks."

"I agree. I think she's having enough of a discussion with herself right now. I think anything we could say in our state would only make things worse."

"I know," I said. "Don't mean I don't have a few words for her."

Joanie giggled at me.

"I'm sure you do, James. It's probably best if you let them go too."

She led the way out of our room and down the stairs where we found Jesse cutting up cucumbers and tomatoes to go into the lettuce he'd already chopped.

"Emma trained you well," I noted as I walked into the room. "You're right useful to have around."

"I don't like seeing her work so hard," he explained. "I learned to do stuff so I could do it before she did. I got the grill ready. You can put the steaks on whenever you want. So I thought I'd get going on the salad. Not sure what else you want on it. I found tomatoes, carrots and cukes. Is there anything else you wanted?"

"I think there are some green peppers in the fridge too," I replied. "I'll get chopping on those. Did you get yourself that Coke?"

"Yeah, I already chugged it."

"You're allowed another. I think there's some lemonade in there too. And iced tea."

"Or you could have another beer," Joanie piped up. Damn, I never could put anything over on that woman. "I won't judge. I'm grabbing one. Can I get a couple more for you guys?"

Jesse smiled at Joanie's offer.

"As long as you aren't going to rat me out to Emma," he answered.

"She'd be madder at us than at you," I pointed out.

We finished the salad and I seared the steaks as we kept to a light banter. Once we sat down, Joanie got serious.

"Jesse, you know we need to talk, right?"

"Yes ma'am."

"Do not call me ma'am," Joanie said softly. "No one here is angry with you."

"You should be."

"No," I said. "You handled yourself alright. I think maybe…maybe…help me out here, Joanie."

"Theresa's still young," Joanie said.

"I know…she's too young. I shouldn't have done it even though she said it was what she wanted."

"That's not what I meant," Joanie corrected. "What I mean is that she probably really thought she was ready. I suspect that wasn't the case."

"I never wanted her to do something she didn't want to."

Jesse looked like he might tear up.

"Oh Jesse," Joanie cooed gently patting his arm. "I know. I know you didn't pressure her. I don't know what was in her head but she must have thought she knew what she was doing. I doubt she did know though. I was eighteen and I wasn't prepared for it. It's a big thing. It's never what we think it will be. She's probably scared and confused. I'll bet she doesn't know what she's feeling right now. You're a sweet boy, Jesse. I need you to remember that. You have a good heart and you really love her. She's lucky. I know girls whose first times weren't with someone who loved them. I was lucky like Theresa."

Joanie blushed and smiled at me. I think Jesse caught the look we shared and lowered his eyes.

"I just want to know she's okay."

"I know," Joanie told him. "I know you do and she might not be able to give you that assurance. You've written to her, right?"

"We said we'd write every day and I have. I write every night and send it the next morning. I never miss a day. If she was writing every day too I would have gotten something."

"What do your letters say?"

"You think maybe I said something wrong?"

"No…just maybe you didn't say something that might be important."

"I tell her what's going on here and I tell her I love her. The first letter I told her she's beautiful. And the last one I told her I was sorry. I took advantage. I didn't know what else to say. I tell her I miss her…"

"Try…try telling her how being with her like that made you feel. How did it make you feel?"

I saw Jesse turn bright red at Joanie's question.

"She don't mean like that," I clarified. "She means your emotions."

"Oh," he said and then turned brighter red. "It was…powerful. I felt special and loved and uh…humble I guess. That she would want to and with me. I mean I know it's a big deal, especially for girls and it felt like a gift or something. A really special gift."

"Tell her that, Jesse," Joanie whispered. "Tell her all of that. I think that might be what she needs to hear."

Joanie's eyes were shining a little but she swallowed hard and then stood up.

"Who's for walking down to the corner for some ice cream cones?"

"I don't know about the kid but I sure could go for some ice cream," I said.

Jesse got up and came with us. He looked a little lighter for the talks he'd had but I knew his worries weren't over. A woman sure can turn a man inside out. Not just any woman though…just whichever one he falls in love with. Nothing can make a man hurt so bad as thinking he messed things up with the woman he loves. I could feel for the kid. I knew I'd been given more chances than I deserved by the woman holding my hand as we walked to the ice cream shop on the corner.

* * *

><p><strong>Hey there. So yeah...um...this. I don't really have anything to say except that Interlochen is really cool. Jewel went there and Josh Groban and lots of other cool people too. Very prestigious. I feel bad for Jesse...and Theresa. I'm sure she thought she was ready and I think maybe she wasn't. And Jesse tried his darnedest. He really did. He's a good kid. I think maybe because of all he went through and then with having Emma and Sam as parents for these last few years. I know he didn't want to hurt her.-J<strong>


	96. Chapter 96

I'd like to say things got better for poor Jesse after that but they didn't. He finally got a letter from Theresa telling him to stop writing. She needed to think about things. She needed to concentrate on what she was learning. She couldn't deal with him or what they'd done or anything else right then.

I don't think I'd seen a soul look sadder than poor Jesse did after that letter came. I tried to talk to him but not much I could say would help him.

When it was time for Theresa to come home, I offered to go and pick her up. There was a lot to be done with getting the garage rebuilt so I think Lou was grateful. Though I think she was surprised Jesse didn't offer. He was scared to. I understood.

I was standing waiting for her when she got off the bus. She didn't look happy to see me which kind of hurt. But I guess I understood that too. I ambled over and grabbed her suitcase.

"Where's Lou?" she asked.

"Trying to help Al get the garage put back together and studying her brains out," I answered as I led the way to my car. "Used to be you weren't nearly this disappointed to see me."

"I just don't need it right now, okay?"

She flopped into the passenger seat and slammed the door for emphasis. I put her suitcase in the trunk and got in. I let her have her quiet for a block or two.

"It's not okay," I told her at last. "You being upset and closing off from everyone is not okay and you do need someone to get into this with you. I know you'd rather it be someone else but me. It ain't like there ain't others who'd listen to you. Joanie, Sherry…your sister."

"I can't possibly talk to her about this! I'm fifteen but I might as well be ten for how she treats me. There's no way she'd understand what I did."

"Do you even understand what you did?" I asked her.

"I feel stupid enough," she snapped. "I don't need the lecture."

"I ain't lecturing," I told her. "You made a choice. What I think about that choice ain't what's important. What you think about it is very important."

"I don't know what I think."

I let her be for a minute or two.

"I gotta ask something," I said at last. I didn't want to ask this. I wish I hadn't had to but, well, sometimes we all got to do what we don't want to. "I got one side of the story and I need to know it was what really went down."

"You think he was lying about us having sex?"

"No," I said. "I can tell by how you're acting and even how he was that you two did what you did. And I ain't saying he's lying about anything but he was awful nervous to talk to me and he went on a while about how hard he worked to make sure this was what you wanted and that he wasn't pressuring you none…"

"Oh that," she said. "He didn't lie about that either. I thought I was ready. I thought it would be beautiful and special. He was good to me. I don't want you to think he wasn't. He's sweet and I know he really cares for me. Just…it wasn't how I thought it would be. I can't believe I'm talking to you about this!"

"We ain't ever had secrets, Theresa. This isn't the conversation I ever wanted to have with you but you need to have someone to talk to. I am a trained professional."

She laughed a little at me then.

"I don't know what it's like being the girl in that but I can tell you the first time ain't ever what you think it's going to be."

"I just…he's so hurt sometimes. Everything he went through. The things his mom let happen to him. I wanted him to know someone loved him. I wanted…I can't even explain. Instead I just felt…weird."

"I tell you what," I said after thinking about things for a little bit. "How about after we stop by to see your sister, you come on over to the house with me? After supper, I'll take off and go for a ride and you can talk to Joanie about things. I know she had some weird and scary feelings after…well, after…you know."

"Were you her first?"

I nodded.

"Wow…and you want me to talk to her? You aren't afraid I'd learn too much about you?"

There was that mischievous glint in her eye she'd obviously gotten from her big sister. Somehow, I'd managed to make the kid feel a little better.

"You're a brat sometimes, you know that?"

I tried for annoyed but she was giggling and it felt good to hear it. I hoped talking to Joanie would put things to rights with her so she could put things to rights with Jesse. I didn't know if they was destined to be or anything like that. But she needed to talk to him and let him have some resolution.

"So how was camp?" I asked her trying to move on to lighter fare.

"Oh my God!" she began and then went gushing on and on about the other kids and all she'd learned and the food and anything else that crossed her excitable fifteen year old brain.

Well, things didn't quite go back to normal with Jesse and Theresa. I think Theresa felt better for talking to Joanie and she talked things through with Jesse. He came to me not too long after she got home and school started up again.

"Jimmy," he said catching me on the porch one Sunday. I'd been chatting with the other guys while the women made over Cody and Sherry's baby. The other men went in to watch the game and I was just about to do the same but I stopped when I saw Jesse's face. I gestured for him to take a seat and settled myself again.

It took a few minutes for him to seem to figure out how to say what he wanted to say. Finally it came out.

"It was a mistake," he said at last. "What happened between me and Theresa shouldn't have…I mean, we shouldn't have…"

I nodded.

"She's okay now and I don't think she's mad at me. But you were right when you tried to tell me about being responsible and taking extra care with her. I let myself forget…we're slowing things way down. I think she was worried that since we'd done it once that I'd expect it all the time or something but that's not what she wants. It's okay though. I just like being with her. I like listening to her talk and smelling her hair. I sound stupid, don't I?"

"No, you sound like a man who loves a woman."

"I just feel bad, guilty, I guess. Her first time messed her all up and she won't get another first time."

"She'll be okay, Jesse. She'll be just fine. Are you okay?"

"I think so."

"Want to go in and watch the game?"

He smiled and I could see the hopeful relief in those big blue eyes of his.

"Sounds good."

* * *

><p>Well, things moved on. School started, like I said before. I went back to my usual crowd of ruffians and misfits. I say that but don't think for a minute that I didn't care about each and every one of them.<p>

Joanie was still sorting through the mess the riots left with her dad and uncles. I didn't see much of her and by the time she got home, she was tuckered out. She'd come in and I'd fix her a plate and then she'd stare at some paperwork for a while before heading up to bed.

I pulled her away from her paperwork a time or two. Enough I guess because by the end of September, she was pregnant again. I was happy and I know she was. Or she was relieved which is pretty damned close to happy.

I worried, of course, that she was working too hard but she just said she had to and she was fine. And before the month was out, we all had something else to distract us anyway.

Seems while Billy and Sherry were enjoying their first weeks as parents, the network was enjoying something else. That something was the ratings and reviews of his broadcast from the day Noah died. It was a day the rest of us, Billy most of all, wanted to forget. But we never would be able to.

Billy got the call when the little guy was just a couple weeks old. It was the call he'd always been waiting for. He never wanted it to come like this though. That report went national. It was just too good not to. How he kept his voice steady while he stood in front of a screen showing one of his best friends dying in his arms. Why, Walter Cronkite himself couldn't have kept such professionalism.

That professionalism came at a cost though. He spoke just that once, on air, about the death without wavering. But he never could again. Any mention of how Noah died and you could see those baby blues of his start swimming and his voice would get unsteady.

Well, any chance of Billy getting over Noah's death or how it came about was gone when he got the call from the network. They wanted to give him a job. It was a great offer but he had a hard time taking it.

"I don't see how I can turn it down, Jimmy," he said to me one day in my office. He'd come all that way for lunch one day just to talk this over. That right there told me how much it was bothering him.

"Billy, you can do what you want."

"I'm a family man, I have a wife and a son now…how can I pass up this chance to support them?"

"Your wife ain't helpless," I pointed out. "As I recall, she's a doctor. Sherry's a good woman. She won't want you going against your conscience. Of course, Noah loved you like a brother and if he thought you were letting his memory limit you, he might come back from the grave to kick your ass."

"I can't shake the feeling that I'm getting my big break by leaving footprints on his corpse."

"It ain't like that, Billy," I argued. "There's plenty of blame to go around for Noah's death. We can blame anyone from the National Guard for shooting first and asking questions later, to Rosemary for being Rosemary to the police for raiding that Blind Pig that night…to Noah himself for being a stubborn and proud fool. But you are blameless. I can't say for sure what Noah would want but I like to think I got to know the man pretty well. I can't see him wanting you to turn away something good that could come from his death."

"I'll always know that's how I got the job," he said softly and his voice was so haunted, it broke my heart. I've said before there was more to Billy Cody than met the eye. If I ever doubted it, I was reminded every time we spoke of Noah.

"Billy," I said plainly. "I need you to really listen to me right now. I ain't saying you have to take the job. I think that's a decision you and Sherry need to make together. But don't you ever think for a second that you got this job offer because Noah was killed. Noah's death was a terrible tragedy. But you got this job offer because of how you handled yourself after Noah was killed. It was your skill at what you do that got you this offer. Don't you ever forget that you earned this."

Well, to make the long story short, he took the job. He didn't know exactly what they wanted him to do when he took it. They just said he'd be a correspondent. He knew that would be a lot of travel but he and Sherry talked it out and decided they could live with that.

Once he took the job, he found out where they wanted him corresponding from. Vietnam.

Now reporting on the war ain't the same as fighting in the war. For one thing you don't get a gun to protect yourself with. But it's not like the reporters got to always go back to their nice hotel room at the end of the day. And even if they did, the hotel room was still in a war zone. There wasn't really a safe place in that country.

And I already had one brother lost in that jungle. I wasn't sure I could handle another. We hadn't heard from Kid in a long while. Some was nearly giving up hope. But I knew. I still knew in my heart that Kid was still alive. Lou and me…we was the only ones I think by then. Emma would just look at his picture sadly from time to time and no one else talked about him except in hushed whispers.

I did though. I would take Bobby and Jack for ice cream or something and I'd tell them stories about the man I knew, about the boys we'd been. I promised him. I promised him I wouldn't let him die to them, no matter what. They'd know their old man as something more than a picture and a pile of letters.

So thinking of Billy over there, well, I didn't want to. Billy was a sweet sort. Really, he was. He was affable and smiling and I just couldn't reconcile him being anywhere near such ugliness. He seemed out of place in the riots too. I know he hated it but he always seemed like he fit best with Fluffy the trapped cat. He'd cuff me a good one for saying that but it's just because I knew the nice guy who made jokes to cover how much things bothered him. I knew how much the tough stories ate at him. Not the politics so much as the tragic stories. House fires, dead children, riots, war…those took a piece of his soul. Every one killed him a little bit more.

If I had trouble with it then Sherry damned near broke with reality over the whole thing. This was her husband after all. And they had this new baby and she just fell apart like I'd never seen before.

The time came and we had a little going away party for Billy. We tried to keep it happy but there was a cloud hanging over. It's not like he was going on vacation or just taking some job at the New York or DC office. He was going to a war zone.

Emma cooked like a madwoman and there was more food than even us men could pack away. The whole time I saw her fighting tears and Sherry was too. Sherry stuck close to his side and I don't think I saw Billy set that baby down once. I think we all understood and even the women who usually fussed over that infant didn't try to take him from his daddy. Billy needed all the time he could get with that baby.

I wasn't going to be seeing him off at the airport so I made a point to get some time to talk to him at the party. Sherry excused herself a minute so we could talk. Billy sat there on the porch swing rocking that baby.

"I'd tell you to come home safe but I know you already know all the reasons you got to do that," I said.

He nodded.

"I have to get back to them," he said and I knew he was talking about Sherry and little Billy.

"I know," I said. "And the rest of us too. I don't know when we'll see Kid again. If we lost touch with you…I just don't think…"

"I know. Believe me, I know."

We sat quiet for a while and sipped our beers and watched the baby sleep. Billy finally said something more.

"Jimmy, would you look out for Sherry for me?" he asked. "I know she's an amazing woman and she'll come through just fine but can you…just look out for her?"

"Of course," I said. "And not just for you…she was pretty special to me before you even knew she was alive."

I won't drag this out. It was tough saying goodbye like that but we did because we had to. And then Billy was off. He was halfway around the world and I wouldn't admit this at the time but there was a comfort in knowing he was closer to where Kid was. That maybe Kid would be able to feel him and draw strength from it.

Sherry wasn't handling things well at all. I went over after school some days and sat with her or played with the baby so she could put herself together. Emma went over too and I know Annie and Carol did as well. Joanie would have but she was so buried under work, she was hardly anywhere about then.

We all watched the news every night to see Billy's face and hear his voice and know he was alright. It looked scary around him but he had a way of putting people at ease. I don't know if it's something he learned at school or if it came natural but I always felt better after seeing him and I think Sherry did too.

A few weeks after he left, there was a knock on my office door. Or I should say the door jamb. I never did shut my door unless I wasn't inside or unless I had someone in with me. I looked up to see Sherry standing there, her hands resting on the handles of little Billy's stroller.

"You got a minute, Jimmy?" she asked.

I stood and crossed the room and gave her a hug.

"For you, I always have time."

I ushered her in and closed the door and then sat back down and watched her fish some things out of the big diaper bag she always carried.

"I got a package today," she said. "I don't know why it scared me. I know it had to have been mailed at least a week ago and I know I saw him on the news just last night…but still…"

"It's alright, Sher. You need some moral support is all. That's what I'm here for."

Soon she had everything laid out. A tape player and three tapes. One cassette was labeled "Jimmy". She handed that one to me.

"Listen on your own," she said. "This one isn't for me. Whatever he says here…"

Then I looked at the others. One was labeled "Sherry" and one "Billy, Jr." She put in the tape with her name on it first. We listened and soon we heard Billy's voice. It was scratchy and there was a lot of background noise but he knew how to make himself heard.

"Hey Darlin', I needed to talk to you. I miss you something awful. You know that. I know it'll make you mad to know this but I asked Jimmy to keep an eye on you while I'm gone. There's not another man I trust with what's precious to me like I do him. I'm keeping safe here. It's hotter than July every stinking day and the food's terrible but I'm alright.

"I know you're missing me too. I hope you're sleeping alright. If you have trouble some night…play this, maybe it'll help."

And then he started singing.

"You got a smile so bright…you know you could've been a candle…"

Well, you know the rest of the song. By the time the song finished, Sherry had tears streaming down her face and I had a few too.

"The other tape ain't much," his voice went on. "Just me saying some nursery rhymes and telling a few stories for the boy. Don't want him to forget his daddy's voice. I'll see you soon, sweetheart. I love you, Sherry."

And that was the end of that tape. We didn't listen to the tape for the baby. I think Sherry did at home. It was okay, she knew what the tapes were. He sent them every so often with new messages. As far as I know, he always ended the tapes to her with their song.

Once I got home, I went into Joanie's study and pulled out a tape recorder she used for dictation and popped the tape into it.

"Jimmy," he began. "I really hope you're listening to this alone. I don't want Sherry to hear all I have to say to you."

I got a feeling of dread in my heart then.

"I'm scared, Jimmy. I'm scared like I've never been before. Nothing is familiar here. The riots, as surreal as they were, as wrong as everything was, I could still see the landmark buildings and go home to my sweet girl. Here…well, it's all wrong and there's no right, no order, no comfort to be found. I'm real scared. I don't know why it helps me to tell you that, but it does. Maybe there's a damned good reason why you went into the field you did.

"If…if I don't come home…it could happen. Something could happen. I've been close to explosions and gunfire here. If I don't come home, I need you to watch over my family. Sherry, Billy, Jr. they'll need someone. I know I can count on you. I'm not giving up or anything but just in case. And you take care too. Give that wife of yours a hug for me. I hope to see you all again real soon."

And that was it…there was just scratchy silence after that.

* * *

><p><strong>War sucks! That is all. - J<strong>


	97. Chapter 97

So life marched on and sometimes that's all I could say for it. Joanie never seemed to quite settle down or light anywhere for long enough to get a bead on her. I should have been concerned. I know that. Honestly, I must look like such an idiot as tell the tale. I feel like one, that's for sure. But I was busy with getting settled back into the school routine and there's never a dull moment at a high school. On Saturdays it seemed I always had a little shadow or two tagging behind me to the zoo or some park. Michael needed a lot of help getting situated. He was still asking for his daddy all the time.

And Joanie was swamped at work. I didn't like the hours she was working but I thought maybe helping clean the mess like that would help her heal. She was so wounded by what had happened a couple months earlier. Not just Noah dying but all of it…the tanks in the streets, the fires, all of it.

We had a little break from our usual worries and concerns when we helped Judy move. She'd moved completely out of her parents' house after her freshman year and I think she planned to keep the same apartment for a while. But then came the murder of an Eastern Michigan University student. Her body was found in July, I think.

I guess I should clarify what that had to do with good old short stuff. See, Eastern is in this town called Ypsilanti which is so close to Ann Arbor, where U of M is, that when you drive from one to the other, you can't hardly tell when you leave one and enter the other. It just so happened that Judy's apartment was in Ypsilanti and not Ann Arbor. Mr. Cohen was terrified for his daughter. He tried to talk her into moving into dorms on campus and she balked. I got the call from Gladys when their argument hit the point of screaming and threats.

I understood Judy's need for independence and also her father's fears. I sure the hell didn't want anything to happen to her either. So we talked it out and decided that an apartment much closer to campus would satisfy everyone. So I helped her move into the new place. It was close enough to campus that she'd have the protections of Ann Arbor police as well as campus police. And since the murder had been in Ypsilanti, we all figured she'd be safe. We had no idea at the time how bad the situation could get. I'll get to all that later though.

Sundays we all still got together at Emma and Sam's. It was a house of distraction. Sam was distracted with his investigations. Emma was distracted with Michael. Sherry was distracted with the baby. Rachel was distracted with her pregnancy. Al was distracted with the rebuilding. Jesse and Theresa were distracted with trying not to act distracted about their still unsteady relationship. Joanie was distracted and I know now I should have talked to her more to understand but I really just thought she was distracted with work. And that was part of it. I could have made her talk to me. I could have called Aaron and made him call her. I could have talked to Judy…I didn't. The true nature of all of Joanie's distractions would come to light in time so right now I'll just suffice to say that she was distracted.

Lou was distracted too. I thought maybe it was about the boys. But it wasn't. I sat down and talked to her one day. I promised after all to look after her for him. I know I promised Joanie I'd take care of her too and I wasn't doing all I could there. But I sat and talked to Lou anyway. I had just spent the day before with Jack and Bobby. They wanted to talk about what they were going to be for Halloween. I told 'em as many stories as I could remember about their dad and me going trick or treating. It's not like our moms ever made us costumes or anything but we'd piece together something every year anyway and go out and get some candy like we was normal kids or something.

"Hey there, gorgeous," I said walking onto the porch and sitting on the swing next to Lou. "Forgive me for sounding like your overprotective husband, but I think you're working yourself too hard. Theresa's worried about you. She told me."

"My sister has a flair for the dramatic," Lou replied. "She sees things to worry about where there ain't any."

"I think she's right. You been looking run down lately. I know you want to help everyone, Lou. You got a loving and generous heart. But…between those rambunctious boys of yours, a teenage girl with a love of the dramatic, your classes and working at the hospital…honey, where's the time for you? I know Al appreciates all you've done to help him rebuild the garage but he won't think less of you for being human. Loving people don't make more hours in the day just 'cause you want 'em."

"I like being busy, Jimmy."

"There's busy and then there's working yourself to death," I pointed out. "Your husband is halfway around the world fighting like hell to get back to you and his family. What good is all his fighting if there ain't nothing left of you when he gets here?"

"You still believe that, Jimmy?" she asked. Her voice was tiny, frail. She looked tiny and frail. Lou wasn't a big girl but she never seemed small or frail. Never. But she did right then. "About him still being alive and fighting…that he'll come home to me?"

I knew her doubts. I'd had 'em myself a time or two. We hadn't gotten letters in the longest time from him and that didn't bode well. Others had come home and had told of such horrific conditions it was a wonder any human could survive at all. But I knew Kid was made of tougher stuff than other men. He was tougher than me in lots of ways. And he had too damned much to live for. He'd find a way. And I could just feel it. I still believed with all my being that I would know if he was gone. And he wasn't. I just knew.

"I do, Lou," I said honestly. "I really do. And it ain't just wishing either. I can just tell. I can feel him. I know he's out there. Honey, if I thought he was gone, I wouldn't want you clinging to false hope. I wouldn't want you hanging onto something you can't have. I care too much for you. I care too much for him too. I know he wouldn't want that. But he's out there. I know he is."

"I want to still believe," she whispered. "When I'm alone, I even do. But then…"

"Don't listen to the others," I told her. "They mean well but they don't know him like we do. They ain't connected to him like we are. Anyone in particular giving you headaches?"

"Mostly girls at work. There's this doctor…he's good looking enough, I guess. If I knew Kid was gone, really gone, I'd probably even take this guy up on his invitations. He just wants to take me to dinner. He's a nice guy even..."

Her voice trailed away but I could tell she wasn't done talking so I just sat there and waited.

"Sometimes I think, what could be the harm? You know what I mean?" she asked and I nodded. I didn't even want to think what it was like for her. Even with as distant as Joanie was around then, I had her to hold in the night. I had her to cook for or to cook for me. I had her laughter, her tears…her worries even. I had her with me. To love someone that much, to be that connected to someone…and know they're out there but that you can't touch them, look at them except in old photos, hear their voice, feel their touch, quiet their fears…I just couldn't fathom but it broke my heart. I felt helpless enough with the situation. He was my brother after all. But he was her husband…the father of those boys.

"I do know," I answered. "It's hard on me too…but I can do things you can't. I can be for other people what I want to be for him…you can't do that, can you? Not really."

"I feel like half a person sometimes," she looked ashamed to be voicing these thoughts. But I'll tell you from years of working with people with problems and my own personal experience, the thoughts that shame you the most to give voice to are the very ones that need speaking. "I get so mad at him for leaving me. Not for leaving us but for leaving me. I'm horrible to say such a thing. I'm horrible to feel it even."

"That's not horrible," I told her matter-of-factly. "That's human. You know logically that he didn't choose to be captured but you're hurt and you feel abandoned. And he did choose to join the army in the first place. I don't recall you being too happy about that. You're allowed to feel whatever you feel. That's truth, Lou. That's not just me wanting you to feel better. That's every class I took in college. You need to give yourself permission to be sad and lonely and angry and maybe even feel betrayed. Be mad at the ones holding him, be mad at the government. Be angry as hell at him. It's okay. I ain't too pleased with him myself. This wasn't the deal we had, him and me. We was always supposed to be there for each other. Neither of us was supposed to go off and be where we couldn't do that. When he gets home, I'll be happy and relieved but when those feelings wane, I'll have a bone to pick with that husband of yours."

Lou laughed a little at me then.

"How awful is it that I want to go to dinner with that doctor?"

"I don't think it's awful at all, Lou," I said honestly. "You're still a woman. All work and no play as the saying goes. You need to get out and have some fun. Have Theresa watch the boys or me and Joanie and go out for a few drinks with the girls from work. Or maybe see if Timmy wants to have a sleepover with Bobby and Jack and I'll take you to a movie one night when Joanie's working late. Staying faithful to him don't mean you can't have some fun still. There's a place still showing that Robert Redford movie that came out a few months back. Last I knew, you had yourself a little crush on him. It's supposed to be a comedy too. I could maybe use a laugh or two. What do you say?"

"Won't your wife be jealous?"

"I doubt it. She understands. It's like her with her friend Aaron. It ain't even about him not liking women. I just know he'd never be able to see her as some love object. There might've been a time, Lou, when I wished different. But I couldn't see you as anything other than my sister now. It'll be like taking Judy to the movies…which I do sometimes."

"Alright, Jimmy," she relented. "But I do not have a crush on Robert Redford."

"Well then, you might be the only woman in America who don't…and that would include my darling wife."

I stared at her a moment and she blushed and looked away.

"Okay so he is handsome," she confessed. "His eyes aren't as blue as Kid's though."

I chuckled at her. I knew she was mad and God help Kid when he did get home for the wrath he would face from her but she still talked about him like she did when they were in high school and just dating. Of course, I guess I understood. Didn't matter how Joanie went on about grey hairs and crow's feet or how long we'd been together or how many kids or grandkids we had…I always saw that fresh-faced girl in her powder blue dress coming down the stairs with the little flowers tucked in her hair. I always felt completely unworthy of the beauty I saw in her.

Well, Lou and I went on that movie date to see Barefoot in the Park—not date the way other people mean it though. It was good for the two of us. We went out a few more times just for a movie or something and we'd stop at some diner after and get a malted or a soda and talk. Mostly we talked about him, Kid. It was good to talk about him. Joanie hadn't ever tried to raise the topic of naming the baby after him. Not this time. She knew better but I think she still wanted to if it was a boy.

We got through October well enough. Joanie and I helped take the kids around trick-or-treating. Michael was doing a little better by then. It was funny, Sarah Jean was only a couple months older than he was but she somehow just knew he needed protecting and she decided to be the one to do it. She doted on him. It set the tone for how things always was for them. She always looked out for him, stuck up for him. She always called him her brother. In time, he could look out for her too and I don't envy the poor boys who eventually took a shine to her because Michael could make himself imposing and any boy wanting to date his sister had to go through him before they ever even got to Sam. And Sam carried a gun.

I guess the true tales of Michael and Sarah Jean are for another time…like so much of this, it seems. I know I digress a lot. I'm old and I'm really trying to keep things in order.

The beginning of November marked a celebration for our bunch. It was the grand re-opening of Al's Garage. I'd done what I could to help with the rebuilding and Lou had helped more than she should've. I know Buck and Ike spent a good deal of time there too. Sam walked down when he had free time. He was so frustrated by the investigations that I think he needed the release of swinging the hammer. Sometimes hitting something feels good. And I think more than that, we all needed a hand in rebuilding our city. We needed to feel like we was doing something to bring things back. Doing something constructive, you know?

More than any of the rest of us, the work had been shouldered by Jesse. He'd gotten most of the football team to come help. He owed Al a lot. Probably owed the man almost as much as I did. He wasn't about to see Al undone by the senselessness of the riots. And Jesse was hurting worse than most knew over Noah's death. They say time heals and maybe it does for some but I ain't never healed from Noah getting killed. I don't think any of us really have.

Thinking about Noah and how he died hurts as fresh today as it did all them years ago. I don't know what to do with all that hurt. Nothing helps it. I've tried to live a good life. I've helped people like Noah would have if he'd been alive, like how he did while he was with us. I've talked to his grave, his picture and the heavens. I've wept and yelled and screamed. I helped raise up his son into a man to be proud of. But I never found a way to ease the hurt.

I think it helped Jesse to turn in toward his family then. He spent a lot of time with Michael and Sarah Jean and doted on Emma. And he worked like a madman to get the garage rebuilt. He talked to me some and said that Noah dying like that made him appreciate all the more. And that was saying a lot. Jesse never took for granted what he had with Sam and Emma. But it made him realize how impermanent people were. Even people who wanted to be with you and didn't want to leave you might not always have the choice.

The day the garage opened again was a happy day for all of us. Al was beaming and Rachel was glowing even more than she had been. She was pretty big by then but nothing ever diminished what a beauty she was.

All the women made refreshments and people came from all over the neighborhood to welcome Al's business back. Joanie even took the time to special decorate a cake celebrating Al's triumphant return. It was such a good day.

For a while in my life, I cursed myself anytime I let myself believe things could go good. And I don't mean when I was young and my dad was beating on me or when I had such bad luck with women or anything like that. I'm talking about those years in the mid to late sixties. Anything we celebrated then seemed to be the precursor of doom. Hell, none of us ever did properly celebrate Billy's big job with the network. Before we had a chance, we knew it was taking him from us.

I mean, he was doing alright and Sherry finally settled down. She even started looking for jobs and got one without even hardly trying for it. It was some research position at the college. That woman was all kinds of smart. I used to kid Billy that I didn't know what a smart girl like her was doing with a guy like him. You'd think he'd get sore but he'd just smile and say, "I can't be too dumb. I was smart enough to grab her up before anyone else had a chance."

But we celebrated with Al anyway. I mean you can't begrudge people their happiness and I guess I always hoped our string of bad things would snap eventually. It did but not then. Al re-opened on a Monday and Wednesday I got a frantic call from Joanie.

I wasn't even sure who it was at first. The phone in my office rang and I answered and there was nothing for a few minutes. I think I must've said hello four or five times. I was just about to hang up when I heard a small sound. It sounded like a whimper. About all I could tell was it was a female voice and, the way my world was then, that didn't narrow the field all that much.

"Hello?" I asked again. "Is someone there?"

I mean it could be Emma or Rachel or Theresa or Lou. It could be one of my students, past or present. It could be Judy or Joanie…I just had no idea and the not knowing scared me half to death.

The whimper came again followed by what was undeniably a sob.

"Who's there?" I asked. "Please."

"I'm sorry, James."

It was a whisper and nearly lost in the crying that was obviously on the other end of the line.

"Joanie?" I know it was dumb to even ask. No one else really called me that. And even in a hushed and hitching whisper, I knew my sweet Joanie's voice. "What's wrong, honey? Are you alright? Was there an accident."

I tried to think why she'd be sorry. She'd taken my car that day to work. I needed to drop hers off—not the 'Vette, we didn't drive that one everyday anymore—at Al's for some new tires before the snow flew. I thought maybe there'd been an accident and she was worrying I'd be mad about the car. It was a new car but it wasn't a classic or anything and it was insured. I was more worried she might be hurt.

"No…there was no accident, James," she said and I could tell that hearing my voice was helping her regain her composure.

"Honey, where are you? I'll leave right now."

"Uncle Ira's office," she replied softly. "I'm so sorry, my love."

"Why—ˮ I began and then the realization hit me. "Oh Joanie…are you alright? What did Uncle Ira say? Never mind…tell me when I get there. I'm on my way. I love you, beautiful."

I didn't even let her respond. I could hear her protesting as I put the receiver down but I was going to go to her. I blew past Florence on my way out the door. She looked up in question.

"Joanie," I said breathlessly. "The baby."

Florence nodded and looked sad. She had three grown children of her own. Couple grandkids too. She knew Joanie was only a few months along.

"Give her my love," she said tenderly. I paused in the doorway of the counseling center and just looked at Florence. I'm not sure I had really paid her enough notice before. She was just there. But I realized, she had been there a lot. She had been there for three years of my life, my entire professional career. She'd known me when I was a newlywed and still way too wet behind the ears to even do my job right. But she guided me through it. Honestly, education and degree aside, she could probably do my job or any other at that school better than me or anyone else. When I hadn't been looking or had been distracted by other things, Florence had become part of my family. I swallowed the lump in my throat.

"I will. Thank you, Florence."

And then I nearly ran out of the building. I couldn't get to my girl fast enough.

I don't need to belabor this anymore, really. Joanie lost the baby. She convinced herself she was a failure as a wife, as a woman. All I could do was hold her. Uncle Ira assured us once again that there was nothing actually wrong with Joanie. It was just bad luck so far. There was nothing to indicate she couldn't carry a child to term, she just hadn't as yet.

I got her home, made her some supper and even got her to eat a little of it before I tucked her into bed. She still kept apologizing to me and I still kept telling her there was nothing to be sorry for. It was sad and we were both hurting over it but it wasn't her fault, or mine or anyone else's. Eventually she fell asleep.

I went back to work the next day and found that Florence had made a casserole for me to take home for supper. Joanie was back to work the following week. It was hard to look at her. So much of her sparkle and shine was gone. When she talked to me at all, and that was a seldom thing around then, she kept reminding me she could try again in a few months. I wasn't sure I wanted to. I wasn't sure she could take it if one more didn't work out. I wanted children but I wasn't sure it was worth seeing my wife fade before my eyes. I couldn't tell her that though. She'd think I lost faith in her. Or fell out of love or some other such nonsense. At least I was smart enough to know not to voice those thoughts to her. I did to a couple others though.

I talked to Al first.

"Jimmy," he said as he was pondering the situation. "I remember wondering if trying for another child was the right thing myself. I know you remember it too. I almost lost her once. Twice really. Once when she delivered our David and then after…her depression was so bad. But look at her. I can't tell you what to do but if she wants to try then I think you should consider it."

Next I went to Lou. It was a Saturday and Joanie was getting some time with Judy. I think they were shopping somewhere. So I went to Lou's. We sat and drank a coke or two and I told her my fears.

"Remember when you told us you got engaged?" she asked me and I nodded. I tried to forget how against our marriage Lou had been but I'd never really been able to. I wondered at that time how genuine Lou really was when she was nice to Joanie. If she was studying her waiting for when Joanie would hurt me. I know since then we'd talked and Lou had said she understood but understanding and not being fearful for a friend are two very different things.

"Well," Lou went on with a sigh. "It was because she was sometimes so frail…not frail like she can't take care of herself or she's weak. But emotionally. She has such fears and insecurities. I saw that as a flaw. It ain't really. Not as big of one as I made it out to be. Hell, I got more fears than I can shake a stick at now. I always have. I just hid 'em better than she did. I think I envied her a little too. I always feared most what Kid would think of me if he knew I wasn't as tough as I put on. I know now…I know he'd be there anyway. I never talked to him about it but I know it all the same. I think I understand love better now. Do you see what I'm getting at, Jimmy?"

"I…no, I don't, Lou. I'm sorry."

"Look," she began and I could see the look cross her face like when she was explaining something to Bobby or Jack. I might get resentful of that if it weren't for the fact that I was dumb enough to merit that look far too often. "You married her knowing what she was like. You knew she could flip out on you. You knew that. You loved her in spite of it and maybe even a little because of it. I ain't saying you like her being sad or scared or anything like that. But I think that you feel a little less inferior to her knowing she ain't perfect."

"I taught you too much from my Psychology classes," I said with a small smile.

"Maybe. Or maybe I just know you too well, Jimmy," she replied. "The point is that you can't bail on her for something you knew all along. It ain't like she hid this part of herself from you and just sprung it on you recently. And you know she can't help that she's like this."

"And I can't help how I feel either, Lou."

"I know. And I don't blame you, Jimmy. I don't. I hate thinking of Kid not safe and he hated thinking of anything happening to me. That's part of love. But you got to talk things out. You got to. She's not okay right now. She might not be for a while. And if she loses another, it might break her completely. Or it might not. You don't know. You told me once that you wanted to be able to be her strength. You wanted to make things easier for her. Do it. Hiding from her and how she's feeling ain't helping her. Neither is talking to me or Al about your feelings. You want to help her, talk to her. Be honest. And don't forget that for all her fears, she's come through so much already…and you should still be groveling for the whole Rosemary fiasco."

"Remember once you told me that I was a good friend to talk to?" I asked her.

"Yeah," she said smiling sadly. "It was the day I told Kid I was pregnant with Bobby and he made the choice to join the army. You calmed me down, reminded me that I love him."

"Well, you're a pretty good friend to talk to too."

She smiled and looked like she was about to say something but the phone rang.

"Hold that thought, Jimmy," she said with a smile as she jumped up to head for the phone. "It's probably Theresa wanting to spend the night at some friend's house or something."

She hurried to the phone in the kitchen and I sat and waited. I waited for a while for her to come back. I needed to get home and talk to my girl so I started getting antsy. Finally I decided that it wasn't just Theresa on the phone and I went to signal to her that I was heading out and we'd talk later. When I got to the kitchen, she wasn't on the phone anymore. She was sitting on the floor of the kitchen leaning against the cupboards with tears running down her face.

"Who was it, Lou?" I asked urgently. "Who was on the phone? Was it Theresa? Is she okay?"

"Theresa's fine," Lou whispered. "It wasn't her."

I felt dread then. That feeling of dread I'd had since long before Kid had even been deployed hit me. I couldn't breathe. What if all my feelings that Kid was still fighting were just feelings? Just wishful feelings?

"Lou, honey, who was on the phone?"

"I don't recall his name," she said. "It was Donald or Donnelly or Duncan or some such…I can't remember. A captain, I think. He was calling from Germany. I don't remember the name of the post either. I don't remember much."

"Lou," I said gently as I crouched down next to her. "Tell me…what did he say?"

She turned to me and her eyes were near wild. I thought perhaps we might lose her again like we did when he went missing. But then she was fully present with me. Wild looking and nearly crazed but present, she was not fading from me or anything else.

"Kid…Kid's there. He's in Germany. In a US Army hospital in Germany. He's alive, Jimmy. He's hurt and he's weak and he can't travel the rest of the way to the States until he gets a little better. I guess he ain't been conscious a whole lot. But…he's alive and our people got him now…not theirs. He's going to come back to us just like you said, Jimmy!"

* * *

><p><strong>So, there was a lot of ground to cover in this. I hate to say it but chapters are likely to be this full for quite a while. It was a busy time in history. So...yeah...lots going on. And some really big news...well, I guess a fair amount of big news. Some good, some bad. I'm sorry it has taken so long but really...I haven't had internet at the house so I have to run to the library every day to get online and it definitely cramps my style as far as writing time and editing time. I have to thank the movie J Edgar for getting me back in a J&amp;J kind of mood. Seeing the scenes with Bobby Kennedy in that movie reminded me where I was in this story timewise and I just had to start writing it again. <strong>

**I also have another story in the works. It is a companion piece of sorts to my recent Teaspoon story. I think everyone will like it if I can ever feel good enough about it to publish. So hopefully I'll have that soon. And hopefully we'll have some internet at the house soon too. I really miss that.**

**So, let me know what you thought of this...any hearty souls who've stuck with me thus far.-J**


	98. Chapter 98

To this day, I can't fully explain the feelings I had when Lou gave me that news. My brother was coming home. My faith in him being alive was well placed, it turned out. I admit now that years have gone by that I wondered sometimes if I wasn't just some fool in denial. But then I got the first letter from him while he was still in the hospital in Germany.

Joanie had been so happy to hear that something good was coming to our family. She smiled more than she had since long before the first miscarriage. Things felt sort of right again.

I got home really late from work one night. I'd had some meeting or another that had kept me. Her car was already in the drive when I pulled in and the smell of some wonderful meal wafted to greet me as soon as I opened the door.

I found her in the kitchen smiling and humming to herself.

"You ain't trying to turn yourself into June Cleaver again, are you?" I asked as I slid my arms around her from behind while she stirred something or other on the stove.

She shook her head against me.

"I was in a good mood today. I felt like…being domestic."

"Tell me about it," I said.

"Well," she began turning in my arms and rising on her toes to kiss me lightly. "First of all, we've got a couple new lawyers at the firm so we aren't chasing our tails as much. And we're almost through all the preliminaries on the cases from the riots."

I know the firm—well, the partners in the firm at any rate—had a hard time thinking about hiring anyone new. It wasn't that they didn't need the help. They would have needed help for the glut of cases anyway and then when Noah died…

But Mr. Cohen and the others just couldn't bear the thought of replacing them. I'm sure on some level they knew that wasn't really what they were doing but it felt that way to them. I understood. It was good to hear they were moving on enough to take care of themselves. And that I might get my girl back in the evenings. I had missed her.

"There's more, isn't there?" I prodded and she nodded smiling at me as she handed me a basket of rolls to take to the table.

"I shouldn't delight in this so, James," she said almost tentatively before she blurted it out. "Rosemary's going to prison! I know it's terrible of me but after everything she did…they way she was with Billy and then with you. You weren't innocent, I know that but I also know…well, I know she was at fault. You're just too sweet to see what she was at first. And how she neglected poor Michael and then…well…she says she does everything to make things better for Michael. But…he needs love, James. He needed a mother who would rock him to sleep and sing to him and tell him stories at night. He never once had that but he had a father who did. He had a father who loved him more than words could ever express. He had a father who loved him more than he loved his own life. She took that from that sweet little boy."

There were tears standing in her eyes and I wanted to move closer to her, to pull her to me but her shoulders were squared. I got good at reading her body language through the years. She did not want anyone interfering with what she was feeling right then.

"She took him from us," she hissed.

I looked at her dumbly.

"I know what I've said about Noah being a grown man and a proud one at that," she went on. "It's true too. He was too proud for his own good. He was too noble. I'm mad at him too but it's still too soon. It feels wrong to be angry with him. Her though…I have no problem being mad as hell at her! I've never really felt hate before, James. But I feel it now and I'm glad she's going to prison. I'm glad she'll be gone for a very long time. I can say it's because I want to protect Michael from her and that's not truly a lie but really I'm glad because I hate her."

"How do you know she's going to prison?" I asked. The rest of what she had said suddenly wasn't as important. I was starting to get a sort of strange feeling that I was going to find out about things I would wish to have remained ignorant of.

"We negotiated it," she said proudly.

"The firm represented her?" I was…I don't even know the word for what I was. It was something close to repulsed. Like finding out her father had decided to represent some Nazi war criminal who'd been discovered in Brazil or something.

"Sort of."

"What exactly does 'sort of' mean?" I tried to keep the accusatory tone from my voice but it didn't work very well. I wasn't happy.

"Well, she called the firm and talked to Uncle Eli. There was a meeting. We're all still hurting very badly over what happened but then…we thought about what Noah wanted. He went out there because he was afraid for her safety. It might have been warranted and it might not have. I lean toward it not being, but that was why he went. He still loved her even if I think that was the most foolish thing he could have done. And he would want someone looking out for her interests. Uncle Eli and Daddy took the case on the condition that she surrender her parental rights to Michael. I know that's shady and I can't even guess what Noah would think of that part. But we knew it was a way to make sure that when she did get out of prison that she wouldn't be coming to bother Sam and Emma and trying to take him back from them."

"I wouldn't have guessed those two would make that kind of deal," I mused.

"This is hardly selling their souls to the devil, James," she defended. "Rosemary's still going away for a very long time. She was treated fairly…which everyone should be entitled to, no matter what they've done. We honored Noah and we protected his son. Nothing is wrong with that. It was the right thing to do."

She was right, of course. Even if it sounded more like she was trying to convince herself than me. It just didn't feel like the right thing right then. I told her as much too. I'm sure that didn't make that part of things easier for her that I said what I did about it but I know she understood. I opted to never tell Billy who'd represented Rosemary.

"So…is that all that's put you in such a good mood today?" I asked needing to change the subject.

"Of course not," she nearly sang to me as she pulled me to the table and sat me down. "I'll just be a second, my love."

Everything was on the table and I had no idea what else she thought she could need. But then she came back and put an envelope in front of me. It was an airmail envelope. It was from Germany. I suddenly couldn't breathe.

Joanie's hands rested on my shoulders and I felt her lips press to the side of my head.

"I am so happy to admit I was wrong, James. Go on…gloat…tell me you told me so. Please. Nothing could be more wonderful."

I shook my head.

"I don't care about right, Joanie," I whispered. "I care he's alive. I knew it all along. I did. I felt it. I know it's crazy but I felt it all the same."

I had tears in my eyes and a lump in my throat and my hands shook as I held the envelope. It was a little bent for its trip over the ocean but I think I've rarely beheld such a beautiful sight. There was Kid's handwriting. There was my name on the front and his in the corner. The writing had smudged slightly in transit. It was still very legible but I could tell it had been through a little on its journey from him to me. I guess that was fitting for all we'd been through. I studied the stamps on the front. The language was foreign but familiar all the same. There are a lot of similarities between Yiddish and German. Maybe that was fitting too. Here was my brother, the man who knew me better than anyone else in the world and yet, we were now little more than strangers to each other. We'd lived lives while we'd been apart that made us different people.

"I…dinner smells wonderful…but…I need to…I need to be alone for a little while."

"Of course," she said through her own tears. "I'll wrap it up and we can eat later. I'm right here if you need me."

I just nodded and stood up. But before I left the room, I pulled her close to me and kissed her. I don't think I'd kissed her like that in a long time, far too long of a time. I needed to then. I should have more often. I'd succeeded in getting her pregnant twice and hadn't kissed her like that. There's something wrong with that.

When the kiss ended, we were both panting.

"I love you," I said, stating the obvious.

"So I gathered. I-I'm sorry for…for not believing. Can you forgive me?"

"I can forgive you anything."

Those were words that would come back to haunt me. I didn't know it then and I won't get to that part of the story for a while but they would all the same.

I left the dining room and headed to the study. It was quiet there and I knew I could read in peace but my girl would still be close if I needed her strength. For all the times she would get shaky, she was always strong for me when I needed her. I probably shouldn't have taken that for granted so much but I suppose that's just human nature.

I settled down behind the desk with the letter and the beer that had been next to my plate when I sat down at the dining room table and took a deep breath. I don't know what I feared in opening that letter. I knew he was alive. The only news I considered bad was already eliminated as a possibility.

Of course I also knew that there could be other news that was nearly as bad as his death. For him to write to me and not just wait to talk to me or add a note onto a letter for Lou meant that there was news I would need to brace her for.

I know what you're thinking, Lou is strong and tough but we men like to protect our women. And sometimes people need more protecting than they want to believe. I knew that if there was something bad to tell her that he wasn't about to ask me to keep it from her but that he was asking me to find a better way to tell her.

My hands shook as I opened the envelope. He could have sent it through the military post. It would have gotten to me before he came home but it would take longer. You would think that military mail would run faster and sometimes it does but it's a hit or miss sort of thing and if you have important communications, conventional airmail was the better and faster way to go. Nowadays he could have just emailed me or something, I guess but we was a long way off from laptops and such back then.

I pulled out the thin paper to see his handwriting. It looked out of practice. I imagine it was. Communication was sometimes very limited in those places and he might not have written anything in quite some time.

I trained my eyes on the page.

"_Dear Jimmy," _it began.

"_It sounds strange to start with the typical 'how are you' questions but then, maybe it's less strange after this time than the other times we ask it. I really have no idea. Last time I got letters from you, you and Joanie were both in grad school. I try to think what your life might be like now and I just don't even know where to start. I keep seeing us together under some rust bucket car trying to make it run again. I know that was a long time ago. It was a long time ago before I ever even set foot in that jungle._

"_I've written her already but how's Lou? I know she came back to Detroit. I haven't heard the specifics but I'm glad she's home with family. I knew you'd look out for her somehow but I feel better knowing she was closer._

"_I know it's only been two years and in the grand scheme, that's not all that long. But I wonder if I'll be coming home to the same Lou that I left. I know I'm not coming back the same person I used to be. I left pieces of me back in that jungle and what's filled in those gaps isn't all that pretty. Maybe that's to be expected. Probably it is. I'm sure it will get better in time._

"_I worry about her, you know. I worry about Lou. I worried at first that it had been too long without word. I kept trying to get more letters out but I just couldn't manage it. I worried she'd give up hope. I worried that she'd move on. It's a lot to ask of her to sit around raising my children on her own without someone to help. I know you helped and the others too but that's not the same. I worried she was lonely._

"_And I've worried about Theresa. Poor kid just needed someone stable in her life. I thought I was being that and then I was just one more who ditched her. She's got to be a young lady by now. I dread to think of the boys that are hanging around her. I know you've looked after her but it should have been me. I think I'm most scared of her not letting me back in. She trusted me so before. I was proud of that. I was proud to earn that trust from her._

"_And my boys, Jimmy. Do they even know me as anything but a picture on Emma's mantle? I know you've tried but will they be scared of me? Will they be able to handle me coming home now? I need you to prepare them. I need you to help me with them. I'm not sure I know how to do this anymore. They were two and three the last time I saw them. My letters home meant nothing to them. I know they're probably both in school by now even._

"_So, how are you, man? How's that lovely wife of yours? Probably a lawyer out to save the world by now. I see where she's coming from now. I might not have as much before but I learned far too well how badly the world needs saving. And you, I'll bet you got that degree now too. Probably out saving kids like us. I'm proud of you, you know. I thought once that I was…it doesn't matter what I thought. You're a hero now, you know that? You're the one thing we needed when we were kids._

"_Now I have to get to what I really needed to write you about. I guess you know if this is all I had to say I would have stuck it in with a letter to Lou or I would have mailed it through the Army. I need to tell you some things they haven't told Lou. No one has told her how bad I got hurt. She knows I'm not okay to travel yet. I came this far just so they could get me in a decent hospital but the flight back to the states is long and I'm just not strong enough yet._

"_I got injured. I was shot a couple times in the leg. Doesn't sound too bad when I say it like that but I lost a lot of blood and the bone was shattered in a couple places, I guess. I thought for a while that I wouldn't have to worry about being questioned because I figured I'd just die there. But I lived. My leg healed terribly and I couldn't use it much at all in the camp. I'd exercise it every day to keep the muscles strong but it didn't bear my weight but a handful of times in the two years I was there. When I was released, I was sick. Malaria. And the docs here have been trying to undo the damage from my leg healing so poorly. I'm feeling better with the treatment for the malaria but my leg hurts so bad that at times I wish they had just cut it off like they talked about doing at first._

"_I need you to explain to Lou that I got hurt. I'm okay, Jimmy. I'm not dying of this and I'm coming home more or less in one piece but I got hurt and I'm fighting to be able to walk off that plane to her but I'm not the man I was. I'm not really whole anymore. I am scarred up and even if I can get walking again, I'll always have a limp. Sooner than I should, I'll be in a wheelchair. Tell her all this, Jimmy. Tell her how bad off I am. Tell her it's okay if she doesn't want to be saddled with me__. She didn't choose this. Sickness and health couldn't mean this. Tell her that a dear John letter would be easier to come to terms with here, before I head home, than getting there and finding out she can't, or doesn't want to, deal with this. If everything I dreamed about in the camp is gone, I'd rather know now than to think it's still out there for me. Tell her I won't bother her if she doesn't want this life I'm shoving on her. Tell her that I just want to see my boys once in a while but I won't interfere. Tell her she can move on. Hell, for all I know she already has. I could be alright with that. I really could. I'd try to be anyway._

"_I wouldn't ask something like this of you but I can't do it myself. I guess I know somewhere it's right but if I tried to look her in the face and say this, I wouldn't be strong enough. I'd beg her to stay with me if she was in front of me. I need you to tell her. I'm not asking for her benefit. She can handle anything after all she's been through already. I need you to do this for me. It's not what I want. I know you know that. But what I want doesn't seem to matter anymore, if it ever did at all._

"_Of course, you don't get out of things as easy as I'd let her off. You're my brother as sure as if we shared blood. But I won't make it awkward for you to still be her friend too. I promise that._

"_I have one other thing to tell you before I sign off. It's going to sound crazy but I need to thank you for saving my life. I don't mean when we were kids. You did then but that's not what I'm talking about. I mean in the camp and even before._

"_I was injured and laying on the jungle floor and I wanted to surrender to death but I couldn't. I tried to die. I tried to will myself dead just to stop the pain but then I could see you. I could hear your voice in my ears. I heard you call me brother. I heard you tell me that I had to come home. I fought to stay conscious because of you. In the camp, more than once, I thought to kill myself or say or do something stupid that would make them kill me. But then I'd hear you. And once I heard you, I'd see my family. I'd see them as they stood on the tarmac that day I shipped out. I'd feel Bobby's arms hugging me tight or see Theresa roll her eyes at me. I'd feel Lou's lips on mine._

"_Sometimes you'd come and sit with me all day. There were times when I was in a little cell all day alone and you'd come and sit on the floor and talk. You didn't say anything much. Just tell stories about when we were kids. I know you weren't there. Don't go diagnosing me with some strange mental problem or something. But I knew you were thinking about me and I knew you believed in me._

"_In the night, I would whisper to you. I would tell you I was still out there. I would beg you to take care of my family. I somehow felt that you could hear me or that you'd somehow know. I'd talk to Lou too. A couple times I felt like she was fading from me but you were always there. You never left me. Your voice was always strong to me._

_Maybe I am crazy. I guess we'll see when I get home what you think. In your professional opinion, that is. What I am sure of right now is how tired I am. I will sign off now. I will see you soon, Jimmy. I will see you very soon._

"_Love, H. Francis 'Kid' Cassidy"_

I pushed myself up from the desk chair and sort of staggered out of the den. It wasn't alcohol that made me unsteady. I hadn't even finished the beer I'd taken in. It was his words. I knew he was probably hurt some. I wasn't ready to hear what I had though. I wasn't ready to hear that he was willing to give up his marriage out of some altruistic sentiment. I was pretty sure what Lou's reaction would be but then I thought for a minute about how I'd feel if all of a sudden I was in the shape he was. How would I feel about saddling Joanie with something like that? And with me it would be from a car accident or something. Kid chose to do something Lou hadn't wanted him to and then this happened. I understood him then. I still was pretty sure Lou wouldn't give half a thought to his having a limp or maybe needing a wheelchair someday. He was alive and he could hold her and she could have his blue eyes back and all to herself.

I guess I'm saying that I saw both sides. I mean I could think of how I would feel about asking that of Joanie but then I could think of how I would feel if something happened to Joanie and she wasn't the independent, able-bodied woman I married anymore. I know I could never live without her and I could never live with the knowledge that she needed something without trying to help her get it or outright be what it was she needed. I knew that's how Lou would feel.

But I would have the conversation with her all the same. I would talk to Theresa and try to help her with the transition. I would talk to Bobby and Jack a few more times and get them ready for their dad coming home and I would make sure Lou knew she had an out and no one would judge her. I would do it because my brother asked it of me and I was just too grateful for him being alive to ask anything of me at all to deny him any request. If he asked me to dance naked in the outfield of Tiger Stadium during the seventh inning stretch, I probably would have. No one would be the same after something like that but I'd do it for him.

"Are you alright?"

The question startled me. I don't know why it should have. I walked into the living room after all. Joanie was sitting right there on the sofa reading a magazine. That right there was a good sight. I hadn't seen her read anything but law books and legal papers in far too long. But I hadn't even noticed her there. I think my head was still in a hospital room in Germany. I hadn't ever been farther from Detroit than our honeymoon in Miami, but my head was in Germany all the same.

I didn't answer. I just stared at her like she had spoken in Yiddish or Mandarin or plain old gibberish for all I knew. She jumped up and came over to me, tentatively reaching to touch my face.

"James, are you alright? Is something wrong?"

Her voice was quiet, hushed, but so full of love, of care.

"He-he needed me to do a few things for him before he comes home," I said handing her the letter. I don't think I knew I was still clutching it when I walked out of the den but it was easier to let her read it than try to speak too much.

I watched her eyes speed over the pages. Joanie was always a very fast reader. Then those huge brown eyes lifted to mine. I could see the tears standing in them but then she swallowed hard and whispered in a steady voice.

"Are you alright? Can I help you? Tell me what you need."

I looked at her and I couldn't think of words to say really. I pulled her tight to me and held her as fiercely as I could. She hugged me back and then I whispered into her unruly hair.

"Kiss me."

Her face turned up to mine, tears streaking her cheeks but a smile gracing her lips all the same.

"Gladly."

I kissed her but good right then. I kissed her that night better than I had in years. I felt her tears on my face. I knew then I had been too distant from her even while I thought I was doing right by her. I hadn't been anywhere near the husband I should have. I promised myself I would do better. I meant it. I can honestly say I tried. I can also say I didn't succeed but, again, that part of the tale comes later.

When we parted, I lifted a hand to wipe away her tears. She nudged her face into my fingers. I just looked at her. Honestly looked at her. She was not the girl who'd brought her car in for a tune up years earlier. Gone was the ponytail and the saddle shoes. If she tried for those again, it would look absurd on her. She was matured. A woman who'd grown into herself. Yet, I still felt like that loser grease monkey who didn't deserve to breathe the same air as her.

The funny thing was, at the same time I knew I wasn't still that guy. I'd become a man. I'd become a man I could be proud of. Kid had too. We all had and I had earned the right to be with her. I don't know if that sounds like a good realization to come to or not. Maybe I always should've felt worthy. Maybe I should have known that the man I wanted to be was the man inside me all along and that, the man inside me, the man I wanted so badly to be, deserved things. Maybe I should have always felt worthy, but I didn't. I think that's pretty normal.

I understood so much in that moment and it felt good. I felt whole. I don't think I had for a really long time. I know I tried to fill the gaps with work and friends and family and fixing up the house. I hope that if word had come that Kid had died that I would have healed in those empty places. I hope I'm not lying when I say they stayed empty just because of my belief he was still alive. I'm not sure that's honest but then I never really got to test it and for that I will be forever grateful.

I know I was looking at Joanie strangely right about then. My brow wrinkled and I think I might have been near laughter when another realization hit me.

"What?" she asked.

"You did say you wrapped up dinner, right? I'm starved."

She giggled at me and I swear it was like music. She hadn't laughed near enough around that time. I don't think I understood until that night the toll Kid's being missing took on her. I don't even know how much was worry for him and how much was worry for me but she hadn't really allowed herself much joy in the time he'd been prisoner.

"I'll heat it up," she said patting my face and smiling at me like she hadn't seen me in years. Hell, I guess in a lot of ways she hadn't. "You get the TV on and get settled. It's almost time for Ironside."

* * *

><p><strong>So this is different from what it was before. I made some changes based on some very good notes from someone with a much better bead on the character of Kid post POW camp. Hope it's to everyone's liking.-J<strong>


	99. Chapter 99

Things were a little better between me and Joanie after that letter. I think a part of me had been MIA too. That's not fair to her but then, that's the way marriage is sometimes. Sometimes things happen that affect one person more and the other person doesn't deserve the fallout. Usually those balance out over the years though. At least that was my experience.

Joanie was still talking about when we could start trying to get pregnant again and I was still putting off talking to her. I'm a coward sometimes and I'll be the first to admit it.

Of course I had another conversation that needed to be had too. I wasn't looking forward to that one any more than I was looking forward to talking to Joanie about babies. I thought for a while that I could talk to Bobby and Jack first and maybe Theresa too but I knew better. I knew I needed to have the talk with Lou before I could even think of talking to the kids.

There was a day we had some assembly at school that I didn't have to be at so I decided to meet Lou as she got off work at the hospital. We had planned to meet but she still looked confused when I pulled up. I know I had been cryptic on the phone when I told her I wanted to meet her. It was starting to get cold being November and all so she got in and we drove around for a little while before I found a place to park where we could talk.

"So what's this about, Jimmy?" she asked once I put the car in park. Lou was never one to beat around the bush. Still, she looked scared of what I might say. Maybe she had a good reason to be scared too.

"I got a letter from Kid," I said trying to sound calmer. Or, at least, I was trying to sound calmer than I felt right about then.

"That should have you smiling. You're not."

"He wanted me to do some things for him," I said knowing full well that my words weren't making anything clearer for her. "With you and the kids."

"What kind of things?" she asked eying me suspiciously.

"Nothing big," I replied avoiding her eyes. They were big and brown and worked almost as well as Joanie's as a truth serum to me. "He wanted me to try to prepare the kids for him coming home. Try to diffuse Theresa's anger a little and maybe help the boys feel a little more secure with the changes that'll be coming."

"You aren't telling me everything, are you?" she demanded with the anger growing in her voice. "Out with it, Jimmy! What else did he want you to do for him?"

"He wanted me to prepare you too," I told her with a sigh. "He ain't the same man that marched onto that plane. He's seen things, endured things…he's…well, have the doctors told you about his medical condition?"

"They said he had malaria and he was real weak and hadn't been eating enough."

"That's all they said?"

She nodded and I could see her lips trembling. I sighed heavily. I had hoped that Kid was wrong and she knew more than he thought she did.

"Well, they haven't told you everything."

I watched her tense up as she braced herself for what I might say.

"I guess right before he was taken prisoner he got shot. Sounds like it was a bad injury to his leg and I doubt any medics they might have in those camps would qualify to work at the Mayo Clinic or anything. I ain't sure what they actually even had for medical care."

"Shot?"

"Yeah honey," I said gently taking her hand and giving it a squeeze. "He was shot. But that was two years ago. He's alive."

"So why didn't the doctors say something? What are you still keeping from me, Jimmy? You have to tell me."

"I'm trying, Lou," I told her. "I am. I just don't know how to say all he wants me to. He's…he has trouble walking. He can but he limps bad, I guess. He says sooner than he should, he'll probably lose the ability altogether."

"He limps? That's it? Jimmy…why all of this then? I don't understand."

"He…oh Hell, Lou," I sighed running my hands through my hair. "You got to understand that thinking of us here was all that kept him alive over there. He thought of you and me and he thought of the boys and Theresa…it's all that made him not kill himself or give in to their cruelty. You were the dream that kept him going. He thought of living out his days with you, your embrace, your smile…"

"I dreamt of that too," Lou said. "We can have it now. Why should I care if he limps? Why should I even care if he lost his leg? He's alive, Jimmy. That's all I care about."

"See, the thing is—and I want you to think really, really hard about things—he's not in the jungle anymore, Lou. He's in a nice, clean hospital now. He's safe and being fed and not in fear for his life anymore. He can see now that a dream is sometimes just that."

"I don't understand, Jimmy," she said sounding helpless. "I don't get what you're trying to say."

"Dreaming about running into your arms fades into reality when the fear is lifted and he sees that he'll never run anywhere ever again. He…he wanted me to tell you that…that you don't have to."

"Don't have to what?"

"Don't have to sign on for this," I replied. "He knows he went against your wishes in the first place and the result is that he's going to need more care. He didn't say so but I can tell you it's not just physical. He's likely to have nightmares and be distant. He said he's not the same and I'm telling you that the man we said goodbye to isn't the one who's coming home. Parts of him are dead. Parts aren't ever leaving that jungle and parts of him will be bringing that horror show home with him. He wanted you to know that you don't have to be saddled with this. He's giving you an out, Lou. No one will think anything of it if you take it."

"Jimmy," she began with a tone of warning. I waved her off.

"Lou, you've been raising those boys and your sister all alone all this time. That might not get better and you'll have another to take care of. At best he'll be temporarily depressed, at worst…well, it goes by a lot of names…battle fatigue, shellshock…it's not always temporary. He's going to be a lot of work and he…I don't even know what you're facing but between work and school and the kids…I won't lie that you'll be stretched to your limits. Really think about it. This ain't your high school sweetheart anymore. His problems can't be solved with practicing his free throws or studying harder for that test. This is real and his problems are more real than they've ever been. He's going to have ghosts and demons tailing him that make his parents look like teddy bears. Really look at what you'd be facing, Lou. You don't have to answer today. All he's asking is that if you can't or don't want to deal with this that you let him know before he comes back. And he wants to see the boys sometimes. He doesn't want to get in the way of you moving forward however you have to."

"Move forward?" she asked incredulously. "Without him? No, Jimmy. I can't move forward without him. I can't. I waited for him. I prayed every night. I don't want to move on without him. I don't want to. Not if he's alive. If I had to…I guess I would do what I had to do but I don't have to. I don't have to and I won't."

"I don't know what I'd do if I was you," I told her. "I think I know but I know I don't really. I'm grateful I don't have to make this choice. I just don't want you to make some choice now and stick to something that ain't right for you because you're so stubborn."

"I'm not stubborn," Lou asserted. I just stared at her and she had to chuckle a little. Then her features softened. "He's my husband, Jimmy. We don't get to pick what happens to the people we love…we just have to stick with them."

"I know," I told her. "I can't see me ever turning from Joanie for any reason. He asked me to talk to you. I can't…I have to do what he asks, Lou. You know that, right?"

"I know," she sighed. "But you have to know that I can't leave him. I can't turn my back on him."

I nodded. I think she thought more about it afterward and for that I'm glad but I also knew she wasn't likely to change her mind. It took a lot to change that mind once it was made up. I reached out my arms and she scooted closer so I could hug her.

"You need anything, you call, okay?"

She nodded against me but that wasn't good enough.

"I mean it," I said sternly. "There are no brownie points for playing the stoic, Lou. You need me or Joanie or anyone else for that matter and you speak up. You are not alone and there is so much…so much that you'll have to deal with. And I'm being selfish here too. I got kind of used to being needed, being important to you and the kids. And maybe I need the chance to help him too."

"I'll call," she whispered against me. "I promise."

* * *

><p>I felt lighter and better about things after talking to Lou. I understand where Kid was coming from and everything I said was true but I had really hoped that she would want to stick it out, that it would be right for her to do so. I knew he would need help the likes of which I wouldn't be able to give him and I knew whatever mental or emotional stresses he came home with that they would be made worse by coming home to being alone.<p>

Luckily things were pretty sedate at work right about then or I think I would have lost it completely. I had so much to deal with. Al was getting edgy since Rachel was getting closer to her due date. He didn't need me so much but Jesse did to help him deal with his cantankerous boss.

Poor kid. It's a wonder he didn't swear off women entirely like I did. Theresa was near venomous to him and Rachel's condition was making his work life hell too. I think Emma and Sarah Jean were the only females he wasn't upset with or who weren't making things harder on him.

Of course, he didn't have to worry about Theresa as much since they broke up. It was bound to happen after everything else that went down. I know he wanted to keep it together but Theresa just couldn't. I think she tried for his sake but she kept him at arm's length so much that he eventually went out with another girl. It's not like he was two-timing her or anything. They had decided to take a break. But when he took Peggy Sinclair to the movies one Saturday night, Theresa came unglued the next day at Emma's. She started ranting at him. I got her out of there and over to Al's. I knew the house was unlocked while he and Rachel were over for Sunday dinner and I knew if Theresa didn't get out of there that her sister was going to give her what for pretty quick and that wouldn't help at all.

"What?" she growled as she spun around to face me once we were inside Al's house.

"Don't even try to play innocent with me, Missy," I growled right back. "You didn't want him, remember? You weren't ready for what he was ready for. He was too serious, too intense for you. But no one else can have him? What gives? You know you're not being fair. He didn't ever know which end was up with you, Theresa. He's just a kid too."

"He could've talked to me," she whispered, her tears now beginning to flow in earnest. "He could have…"

"Honey, you didn't let him," I said gently. "This isn't even about him, is it?"

"Not only," she admitted.

"You know, I've been meaning to talk to you about something. Something we talked about a little once and I think it might be time to talk about it again. You know Kid never wanted to leave you like that, right? It was only supposed to be a short time. It wasn't supposed to be like this."

"But it was like this," she wailed. "He knew it could happen. He knew how dangerous this could be. He knew he could come home in a box even, Jimmy! He knew and he joined up and he went over there. He ditched us. He left me to take care of her. He left us to take care of the boys. He chose that."

I stayed silent. She wasn't done. Her big eyes lifted to mine and the hurt in them broke my heart, shattered it.

"Everyone leaves, Jimmy," she choked out, her voice raw with the pain. "Everyone leaves. Dad, Mom, Kid…Jesse…you will too someday. Everyone leaves."

"Where do you think I'm going to go?" I asked her.

"I don't know and neither do you yet but you won't always be there."

"Jesse didn't leave," I pointed out. "You shoved him away."

"He could've fought harder."

"You didn't even let him do that. You accused him of smothering you. You said he was pushing you too much. He never could please you after…well, just after."

"But he wasn't supposed to move on so easy, Jimmy."

"You're mad because he's not hurting as bad as you? I have news for you, little girl. He's hurting every bit as much. Peggy What's-Her-Face isn't anything to him. He likes her fine and he'll be a gentleman with her because that's how he knows to be but he wanted you. He always wanted you. From the moment he first laid eyes on you, you were the one. He knows he can't have you but you're still all he wants. He's hurting alright. It just looks different for guys."

"It looks stupid," she sulked.

"How you're acting doesn't make sense to him either. Men and women don't always understand each other. It's part of what makes this relationship thing so hard. Now can we talk about the other thing that's bothering you? He's coming home whether you're ready for it or not."

"Did you know that he told Lou she didn't have to stick with him?" Theresa asked me.

"Yeah…I was the one who delivered that message."

"She's an idiot for taking him back. He's trying to get away. They all try to get away…and Lou's just sucked right back in to those blue eyes."

"She's his wife."

"Oh yeah, like being married means so much. Go ask Mr. George McCloud how damned much marriage means," she snarled bitterly and then added, "If you can find him."

"I suppose you could ask Horace Cassidy the same thing," I noted. "Horace Cassidy, Senior, I mean."

"His father was a jerk," she sniffed. "What a ringing endorsement."

"Mine stuck around and beat the living tar out of me and my mom," I said taking her shoulders and forcing her to look at me. "His dad was mean and beat him before he left. Buck's dad might've been more violent than mine. We decided to be something different. All of us. And look at Emma."

"What about Emma?"

"She could have decided that all men were like Evan. She could have spent the rest of her days keeping people at arm's length because of how wounded she was. But she let Sam in. It's worked out pretty well for her."

"So far."

"Yeah, so far," I repeated. "That's all you get, kiddo. You get so far. You get today. This world we live in…well, we like to think it's more stable than it is. But don't you get me wrong, it will prove to you how tenuous it is when you least expect it. Things happen outside our control. It's not fair. I know it's not fair. Kid and me shouldn't've lived the lives we did growing up. Neither should Jesse. Neither should any of the kids I work with at school. Those things aren't fair. Joanie shouldn't be watching everyone else with their babies…she should have one of her own. Or at least a great big baby belly…that's not fair either. You think life is only unfair with you? You think you're the only one who's had to go without love or care at times? I try to be sympathetic, Theresa. I do. You're young. You haven't seen enough of the world to know that as crappy as you've had it, you've got it a lot better than others."

She just stood there with her jaw hanging open a minute and then put her defiant face back in place.

"Well, so much for asking if I could come live with you and Joanie when he gets back."

"I probably would've said no," I told her honestly. "Though we'll play that by ear. I'm going to ask one thing of you."

"What?" she asked petulantly.

"Give him a chance. Just…give him a chance. He feels terrible about how things went. We all know hindsight's 20/20. He knows what he had in earning your trust once and it's killing him that he's lost it. Just give him a real chance."

She glared at me then. I know I was asking a lot but I had to. He was my brother after all. I had to try to make things easier for him.

"I'll try," she finally said.

"That's all I ask."

I don't honestly know if I helped the situation or not. I know that even then I was aware that this whole thing was much more complex than a short conversation like that could fix. I knew there would be more work to do but if Theresa would do her part to at least try to give Kid a chance, I felt like maybe we could all be alright in time.

Things kept moving as they often do. I still was putting off talking to Joanie. I'm not dumb enough to truly think that if I ignored the problem that it would go away but I wasn't brave enough to broach the subject. She was so happy right then. She was talking about how soon Rachel would be a mother and how cute Billy, Jr. was and how soon she would join all the happy mothers and Kid would be home and maybe he and Lou would have more. She had babies on the brain and she wasn't looking at the heartbreak.

Oh, that's a lie. An ugly one too. She was seeing all the heartbreak. She was feeling all the hurt and disappointment and shame. I know she was. She was just shoving it aside and believing that next time it would work and that would magically wash away all the pain of losing the others. And I let her live in that delusion. That doesn't make me a very good social worker but I think in some ways it made me a decent husband at the time. Sometimes we need to be allowed to cling to those dreams. Even when the dreams are unrealistic, we still need them sometimes. It was helping her heal at any rate.

So I was working and she was working and things were dying down from the frantic pace they had been with everyone dealing with the riots. I was in my office one Friday afternoon when the phone rang. It was Uncle Eli. That kind of surprised me because he didn't call that often. We saw each other at Temple sometimes and other family get togethers but he rarely actually called me and never at my office. It was nice to hear from him. I always liked Uncle Eli and he and Joanie had such a special relationship. I valued that with him. I always felt like I could cut the crap with him and really talk about things. Not that we kept a lot of secrets or anything but sometimes he just seemed to understand her and even me better than Mr. Cohen did.

"James, I want to ask a favor from you," he said and it sounded like he was forcing his typical easy tone with me.

"Name it," I said wondering what I was getting myself into.

"I wondered if you would meet me for lunch tomorrow, Jacob and me, that is."

"Sure," I said and I know I sounded suspicious. Eli would pick up on something like that usually. It would be his cue to assuage my fears. But he didn't.

"One o'clock at the country club then?"

"Alright," I said before hanging up. I know I could have asked what this was about but something in his voice said that wasn't alright to do. I honestly think he would have lied to me and he didn't want to have to do that.

I think that—the thought that Eli Shapiro was considering lying to me to get me to come and meet with them—upset me more than the prospect of hauling my ass out to Bloomfield Hills without knowing what I was walking into.

* * *

><p><strong>Hmmm...wonder what Mr. Cohen and Uncle Eli need to chat about...<strong>

**And did anyone doubt how Lou would react to what Jimmy had to tell her. Oh but poor Theresa...I feel bad for her...and really for dear Jesse.**

**Well, all twenty or so of you that read this monstrosity still...hope you have enjoyed this installment. Let me know.-J**


	100. Chapter 100

I was pretty distracted that night. I know Joanie picked up on it too. She still tried to talk to me like I was acting my normal self but I could tell I was worrying her. I had a feeling if I told her what was going on that she'd worry even more so I didn't bring up the call from Uncle Eli.

"What do you think, James?" she asked, her questioning tone finally breaking through my concerns and distracted thoughts.

I looked up and studied her to see if I was about to be in trouble for not paying attention but she didn't seem upset.

"I'm sorry, Joanie," I said. "I didn't hear you. What do I think about what?"

"You're just in another world tonight, James," she said patting my cheek and smiling. "I said that it seemed like Sherry was avoiding Lou last Sunday at Emma's. I wondered what you made of it."

"I didn't notice anything," I answered. "But it wouldn't surprise me if she was staying clear for a while. Lou's husband is coming home and Sherry's happy for her but she's jealous too probably. I'm sure, knowing Sherry, that she doesn't want those feelings to come out and cause problems. She probably feels guilty for her jealousy. Sherry's a sweet girl but she's as human as the rest of us."

"You're probably right. I don't know why I didn't think of that myself. It's been so hard on Sherry with Billy gone. Maybe I should see what she's doing tomorrow. We could go out and get some lunch or I could just go over and sit for a while and help her with the baby."

There was a strange tone in Joanie's voice when she said the word 'baby' and I waited for the rest of what she had to say.

"She never calls me to come and help with him. I think she feels guilty about him sometimes. She shouldn't. We can try again, and soon I'll have a baby too and everything will be just fine." I could see the defiance flashing in her eyes before it softened to a wistful longing and she added, "I should start practicing taking care of a little one anyway. I hate that she feels we can't be as close because of the miscarriages."

I didn't want to have this talk right then. I didn't want to have it at all. But she teed it up so well for me that I had to take the swing.

"Joanie, honey…I need to talk to you about something."

"James…you look so serious. What is it? What's wrong?"

"Honey, we need to talk about you getting pregnant again," I said and as tense as I was about her response, it was really a relief to have this out in the open.

"I don't understand, my love."

Her eyes were huge and fear-filled. I knew she understood exactly what I was driving at but she was making me come out and say it.

"I'm not sure we should keep trying," I exhaled in a rush. "I don't think it's good for you. I see a little piece of you die with each loss and I don't know if you could take any more of them. I know I can't. I just love you too much to see you hurt like that. We could adopt, Joanie. There are babies out there with no one to love them. Think of how much love we could shower on one of those poor little ones."

"Oh James," she looked up at me through the tears just beginning to trickle down her cheeks.

"Joanie…Joanie…please listen to me," I begged her.

"I'm sorry. I've failed you."

"No you haven't."

"I have. Why did you marry me anyway?" she wailed as her tears fell in earnest. "I am so…I'm not nearly enough for you!"

"Look at me," I demanded taking hold of her shoulders and making her face me. "You are…you are more than enough. You are everything to me. I won't lie. I've let myself dream of the two of us raising our baby. Playing catch with my boy or sitting at ballet recitals watching a curly haired little girl with your big brown eyes twirling around. But…not at the cost of losing you. I don't care whose eyes our child has. I don't even really care if we have a child. I care about growing old with the woman whose faith in me has made me more than I ever dreamed I could be. I need you, Joanie. I need you whole and happy. I need you with me for the rest of our days."

"James," she whispered. "I…I…I'm not sure I can be whole and healthy without a child. Adoption is still an option…I'm just not ready to give up on my body. I'm not ready to give up on someday watching a boy with your golden eyes reading from the Torah at his Bar Mitzvah. I can't yet. I'm sorry but I just can't let go of him yet. Please, James…please let me try again."

I nodded. I couldn't look into those huge, pleading eyes and say no to her. She knew it too.

"We'll try again," I said. "I'm not sure why you stick with me. I don't know if I'm strong enough to keep seeing you hurt."

"That's not weakness, James. That's love. How could I not stick with someone who loves me so much as to feel my pain?"

Well, what could I do after that but kiss her? When the kiss ended she smiled up at me.

"If you pop some corn, I'll make us root beer floats," she said as if we hadn't just had a monumental talk. "It's almost time for Star Trek."

Well, that night was about as perfect as it could get. I spent it snuggled up on the couch with my girl sipping root beer floats and nibbling popcorn while watching the voyagers of the starship Enterprise explore strange new worlds.

Of course the thought of lunch the next day never truly left my mind. I wasn't sure what was so important for Mr. Cohen and Uncle Eli to call me at work and have me come meet them. It was good Joanie was planning on spending time with Sherry the next day so I wouldn't have to tell her until I knew what was going on.

The next day I kissed Joanie as she went out the door to go and visit Sherry. I told her to have a good time and give Sherry my love. Joanie looked lighter then. I think she needed the talk we had as much as I did. I wish I could say I was feeling more relaxed but I was sort of worried about the lunch I had to get to.

Once Joanie was gone, I got into the car and headed for Bloomfield Hills. For as many times as I had been to the country club, I never really felt like I belonged there. No matter what I did, I just felt like I didn't fit. I mean, I had a Master's degree by then and a good job and was Jewish like all the others there and I was even married to a high powered lawyer who was earning respect on her own and not just for who her father was. But I still felt like they were going to put me to work parking cars or washing dishes.

I went in and was shown to a table off to a far corner of the dining area. That, in and of itself, didn't bode well. But I pasted a smile on my face and offered my hand for the other two men to shake. The way we were seated didn't escape my notice either. I was put in a chair closest the wall. I'll admit that most times I like it that way. I like seeing what's coming and having a good view of wherever I am. I know now that's some kind of PTSD reaction and probably from all the times I didn't see the punch coming from one of my folks.

But this was different. Seeing the restaurant wasn't comforting. What I realized was that I was penned in, and deliberately so, by these two men. They had me cornered. That wasn't like them but neither was any of this.

I had wracked my brain on the drive out to think of what they could want. I thought maybe Judy was having trouble and they needed me to intercede again. Or maybe there was a case Joanie was handling that I needed a heads up about. I thought maybe they even wanted to talk about the ramifications of Kid coming home. But cornering me the way they did, I knew they had something much more serious than even those things to talk about. It made me agitated like I can't describe. I started to worry that one of them was sick, maybe even dying. Something really bad like that.

I barely got hellos out before the waiter was there to take our orders. I knew the menu well enough to not need to look at one. And I ordered a martini as well. Something told me I was going to need a stiff drink for whatever I was facing. We made small talk until the food came and then things got quiet for a while. I was just about to speak up when Uncle Eli beat me to it.

"You've been very patient, James," he began. "But I'm sure you're wondering why you're here."

"Now that you mention it," I replied conjuring a smile.

Eli looked over at Mr. Cohen who cleared his throat. He had been strangely silent the entire time I'd been there. Even when I asked how Judy was doing in school, he hadn't answered and I'd had to look to Uncle Eli for an answer.

I turned my head to face my father-in-law and found him searching for the right words to say.

"There's no gentle way to say this, James," he said after taking a deep breath. "Joanie is not as strong as she likes to think. I know you know this. She might not know it, but she's had enough. I can see it. If you are honest, you can too. We all love her. I know you know that I have a great trust in you. You must talk her out of trying to become pregnant again. She can't handle another loss. We can't handle it either."

My brow furrowed in a scowl. It was one thing for me to bring this concern to her. That was the heart of a marriage, being honest about our feelings. But for these men who purport to love her to go behind her back…I was growing angry. I could see it now. I was brought to a place they knew I had never felt comfortable and there they were bullying me to make the decisions in my marriage that they wanted. I was against the wall for a reason. I was on their turf for a reason. I realized Uncle Eli was speaking and I struggled to hear his words.

"You must understand, James, that we have known little zeisele for much longer than you have. We know when she is at her breaking point. You do not always see these things in her. She wants to please you. She will keep putting herself in this horrible position until she feels she has given you what you want. It is perhaps time to make it clear that you want her healthy."

I looked between the men who had once been the most important in Joanie's world. I knew they had been replaced and that had to have been a difficult pill for them to swallow. But I was in that role now. I narrowed my eyes even as I fought to calm myself and speak evenly.

"Jacob…Eli," I began fighting against the quivering anger my voice held. I could see my words had an immediate impact. I took a breath before continuing. "I have nothing but respect for the both of you. I mean that. I try every day to live up to the example you set for Joanie and her expectations of a real man and how one acts." My jaw clenched and I tried to breathe. "But this is none of your business."

Whatever attempt I was making to control my anger was probably lost in the way I growled that. I could see Eli working to find a response but I wasn't about to give him that chance.

"We've talked. That conversation is none of your business either," I paused trying to collect my thoughts. "I thought that after all this time...I thought...Hell, it doesn't matter what I thought. We're married. What happens inside that is none of your damned business. I will take care of Joanie. I will do what needs doing for her. I know you love her but...but you seem to forget that I love her too, and she loves me. We'll handle things the way we think they should be handled and when we need your opinion, we'll ask for it."

I could see the men trying to think of something to say. Lawyers are taught never to ask questions they don't know the answer to. I surprised them. I reacted differently than they thought I would. I'm proud of that little feat to this day.

I wasn't about to stick around and let them argue with me. For one thing, there wasn't an argument to be had. For another, if I let them start talking, they'd likely turn my head all around. I stood abruptly and began to walk away.

"James," Eli began as he put a hand on my arm. I shook it off roughly. Probably a lot more roughly than I needed to with a man his age. He looked a little scared of me. In another time and place that would have made me feel bad but it didn't then. It still doesn't.

"I'm not sitting still for any more of this," I said trying to keep the growl out of my voice while keeping it low enough to not draw too much attention. I looked between both of them, glaring as I did and then turned. I walked out with my head high and my hands clenched.

I got home and I can honestly say I don't even remember the drive from Bloomfield. The nerve of them! Thinking I couldn't take care of my own wife! And blaming me for her wanting to keep trying. I was the one terrified of the prospect of being a father...The only thing I can tell you about the drive was that by the time I got home, I was easily twice as mad as when I'd set out.

Joanie still wasn't home from spending time with Sherry when I got there and I was grateful. I wasn't thinking clearly enough to have even contemplated if telling her about this was the right thing and I was too mad to be anywhere near her right then.

I didn't even go inside the house. The last thing I thought I could stand was walls around me. I stood in the doorway of the garage and my eyes hit on the bike. I hadn't taken it out in a few weeks. It was November after all and colder than a witch's thorax out. If I recall that day correctly, there were even some light snow flurries. We weren't getting what you'd call accumulation or anything but little wispy patches that would stay on the ground and get blown around by the wind.

But nothing else made sense right then. I grabbed a sweatshirt I had in the garage for when it got chilly in the evenings and I was working on one of the cars and pulled my leather jacket on over that. I grabbed the black leather gloves Joanie had bought me when she got me the bike and helmeted up before walking the bike out of the garage.

I slung my leg over the bike and fired her up and headed out. I didn't know or care where I was going. I just drove. Once I cleared the city, I could take the speed up a notch or two and that felt almost good.

The wind hitting my mouth and chin under the visor of the helmet was so cold and I was getting pelted with snowflakes. I kept having to wipe off the visor too. But as I rode, Jacob and Eli and their words and the way they'd treated me that day sort of flew off in the wind.

Hell, they weren't the first to think I wasn't good enough for one thing or another. I'd doubted plenty through the years if I really deserved Joanie but...it was how they did it. It was the fact that they'd always supported me before and I guess I felt more betrayed than anything else. Doesn't matter how old you get or how much you accomplish, you never get past needing to feel accepted. I'd come to respect the men they were and it meant a lot to have their approval.

But as I rode through the icy wind and slowly lost feeling in my face and legs, I realized there were more important things than if Jacob or Eli thought I was a good husband. The wind carried their words and serious faces off into the sky and left only Joanie.

Joanie was all that mattered. If I could take care of her, keep her safe and happy, keep being on the receiving end of her smiles and hugs and kisses...and anything else she cared to offer...If I could do that, then absolutely nothing else could matter.

I stopped the bike at some little gas station and pried my frozen body off the seat. I told the attendant to fill her up and headed for the building. Stepping inside, I found I could grab a cup of coffee and I did. It felt good.

I stood for a few minutes inside the gas station warming my hands on the paper coffee cup while letting the hot liquid warm the rest of me too. Jacob and Eli were gone from my thoughts. I knew Joanie was spending time with her best friend that day and Lou was preparing to welcome her husband home in the coming weeks. I knew Rachel was about to bring someone new into the world for us all to love and protect and I knew that all in all, my life was pretty good. I was young and healthy and married to a woman...well, I couldn't even call her the woman of my dreams because I'd never dared to dream of anyone quite like her. But there she was and she was mine.

I smiled as I thanked the attendant and paid him for the gas and coffee and headed out to drive home. I took a more leisurely pace heading back than I did on the way out. By the time I pulled into the driveway, it was getting dark. Joanie's car was in the driveway and the lights from the windows of our living room were casting a warm glow into the encroaching night.

I turned off the engine and closed my eyes a moment smiling. I felt warm and happy and I took a moment to bask in that happiness. Things might not be perfect but they were damned good.

I wheeled the bike into the garage with no thought in my mind other than to hug my wife tight and maybe cuddle on the couch with her and see if anything good was on the tube.

* * *

><p><strong>So now we know what Eli and Jacob wanted. I know that was really uncomfortable for Jimmy but I think he handled it well.<strong>

**Once again, I must thank Beulah profusely! She really helped me out on this...I was such a mess and so all over the place but she made sense of it all.**

**So...100 chapters...I'm not even sure what to think about that. I know that this story wasn't meant to be this when I began the tale. I'm not sure if this is what I should have done but now I'm too far gone to do anything else. I'm a little afraid of this now, to tell the truth. I guess just let me know what you think.-J**


	101. Chapter 101

December came rolling in and it brought little Joseph Hunter with it. Joseph Jesse Hunter. Jesse couldn't believe it but I understood. It was Jesse that brought Al and Rachel together after all.

The plan initially was to call the little tyke JJ but somehow we all took to calling him Joey. Still do. He's a grown man with children of his own now and I still think of him as little Joey Hunter. If he wasn't just the cutest thing too. I can plainly remember the day he was born.

Rachel had kept on teaching right up until school let out for Thanksgiving. That ticked Al off plenty. He was certain she was going to hurt herself or the baby. Mostly he was scared for her. I know he was.

But she said she felt fine and she was going to at least get her kids through to Thanksgiving before turning them over to a substitute. And she was fine. I mean I understood his fears and I still do but I have learned a lot through the years about a woman's intuition. Rachel knew she was fine and it was right to trust her.

But late one night during the first week of December, I remember it was warm for early December. Not warm like we was in Florida or something but warm for Michigan that time of year. In the forties I think it was and about to turn cold again. Anyway, late at night, Rachel started having pains. I guess Al thought about calling me or Emma or someone. Poor guy. I understand that. But Rachel told him to just get her to the hospital.

He called me from the waiting room though. I think he just needed someone to talk to. I yanked on some jeans and a shirt.

"James," Joanie said groggily. "What's wrong? Who was on the phone?"

She was rubbing her eyes and even as she was still half asleep, she looked frightened. Calls in the middle of the night rarely bring good news and our little group had taken more than its share of hits.

"Al," I told her not wanting to beat around the bush and worry her more. "Rachel's having the baby. I'm going to go down and sit with him a spell so he don't wear a hole in the floor with his pacing. You go back to sleep. I'll call you as soon as I have news."

Joanie sat up completely then and grabbed her glasses off the nightstand. She shoved them on her face and immediately was awake. That was Joanie. She would be groggy and half conscious until she put her glasses on. Once she could see, she was awake and alert.

"What aren't you telling me, James? Nothing's wrong, is it?"

I crossed the room and sat down on the edge of her bed. Her hands were twisted together in worry so I covered them with my own and gave a squeeze.

"As far as I know, this is just a woman having a baby. Doctor said she could go any time and I guess now is the time. Al is just being a typical nervous father. He's done too much for me through the years for me to leave him alone at a time like this," I assured her. "I'll go and the two of us will drink a lot of bad coffee while we wait for news. Once I have something more to tell you, I'll call. Okay?"

Joanie nodded and I knew she wouldn't be getting back to sleep.

"Do you want to come with me?" I asked her and she shook her head.

"I think this is a time for you to spend with your father."

Maybe it was how tired she was that it came out that way or maybe she really meant to say that. It shocked me though to hear her use those words.

I just nodded dumbly at her and kissed her forehead before standing and walking out of the room.

All the way to the hospital I thought about her words. He walked me to the canopy at my wedding. He taught me to work on cars. He taught me to take care of myself and that taking care of myself didn't me always going it alone. He looked at me and saw possibility not predetermined failure. He offered me kindness when the rest of the world offered cruelty.

I had called Emma "mom" on a few occasions and that felt just fine. My dad was worse than my mom had been. It puzzled me that I hadn't ever called Al "dad" or referred to him like that.

But Joanie was right. He was my father. He had done all the things a father should do and had even healed most of the wounds left by my biological father. I smiled then. Somehow I was made more complete by this realization. I had counseled some of the others on how they could look to Al for an example of how to be a good father. I hadn't taken my own advice. All the fears I had at Joanie having a baby and me not knowing what to do…they just fell away. I had a father. I had one of the best fathers a boy could wish for.

By the time I got to the hospital, any grogginess I'd had from being woken up by the phone call was gone and I was nearly whistling. I found Al easy enough and he was anything but chipper. His face was ashen and his eyes were wild.

"What's wrong?" I asked him thinking that Rachel was in some sort of bad way. "Did something go wrong?"

"I still ain't heard nothing," Al replied. "She's been in there an awful long time, Jimmy."

"It can take an awful long time."

"I wish they'd tell me something."

"They're busy seeing to her," I reminded him. "That's more important, Dad."

I added the last word mostly to try it out. I hadn't called anyone that in a very long time. I referred to my own father as my old man. Dad had almost become a dirty word to me or something. I saw Al's eyes dart over to me when I called him that.

"I ain't nobody's dad yet," he grumbled.

"Yeah you are," I said. "You're mine."

He stopped his pacing then and just looked at me and I looked back at him. It was one of those things like in the movies where two people are looking at each other and saying volumes in those looks and maybe you think stuff like that don't happen in real life but it does. A lot passed between Al and me right then. Every fear either of us had about being fathers and being men was right there at the surface and not even needing to be said.

We didn't need to talk about the insecurities because we already knew and we didn't need to reassure each other because we knew all those things also. More than that, we knew that we'd be there for each other. The only thing that needed saying right then was what I had. Putting our relationship into words had power. He'd always been a father to me and I know I was always like a son to him. Saying it out loud…it meant more than I ever thought it would. If you ain't already sick of my advice, here's another pearl of wisdom for you. When we say that there are things that go without saying…sometimes they don't. Knowing something and hearing it out loud are two different things. Sometimes it's important to come out and say things even if you think they're understood.

Eventually we stopped staring at each other and set to waiting out Rachel in labor. It takes a long time for babies to be born. Men today have a better idea of what's going on in the labor and delivery room but back then we just knew it took a long time and all we could do was wait and worry.

"So…how 'bout them Lions?" I asked trying to find something we could talk about to break the quiet in the tiny waiting room.

"They stink to high heaven, Jimmy," he reminded me. "Same as every year."

"Fair enough," I said laughing at him. The Lions are a team built for a fan base of masochists. "Well, how about the Wings? I ain't sure what I think about this expansion."

"Well, they're holding their own at least. Not much over .500 but at least they're having a winning season. More than I can say for the Lions."

"And they still have Gordie. Delvecchio's looking good too."

"Yeah…few more pieces and they'll have quite a team."

"Yep."

Not my most profound of answers but to be honest, neither one of us was up for bland sports talk right then. So we sat and waited. Eventually Al spoke again.

"Have you heard a date yet for Kid coming back home?"

"Not an exact one…but the Army seems pretty confident they'll have him home before Christmas."

"That'll make Emma happy," Al mused.

"Having him home will make her happy…don't matter when."

"That's true," Al chuckled. "Don't think she'll be completely happy though until Billy comes home too."

"No, she won't," I agreed. "She's been spending a lot of time with Billy's folks. It ain't quite the same as Kid but I don't think any of us is going to breathe easy until everyone's out of that war zone."

We both nodded and restored the silence of the dimly lit waiting room. I've no doubt there was an overhead light in the room but it was still predawn and it didn't seem right to have that much light. We made do with the little lamp on the little table in the corner.

I suppose one or both of us could have picked up one of the outdated magazines lying on that table but we didn't. We just sat there holding cups filled with the most wretched coffee ever brewed. Every once in a while I'd get up to refill my cup and take Al's with me too. It was usually right about then that Al would steal a glance at the clock on the wall and sigh deeply.

I had just gotten sat back down after another trip across the room to the coffee pot when the door opened and in stepped a middle aged man in a white coat. He looked fresh as a daisy. Obviously he had gotten more sleep than either of us.

"Mr. Hunter?" he inquired and Al jumped up.

"That's me. How is she?"

"Mrs. Hunter is doing just fine," the doctor answered with a smile. "She's a little tired right now but she's just fine. And so is your son."

I don't think Al or I heard anything else the doctor might have said. We followed him down the hall to the nursery where the little guy was just being set down in his little bassinet behind the glass.

"My son," Al whispered as he put his hand against the glass. I chose not to make mention of the tears that trickled down his face.

"Congratulations," I said softly as I put my hand on his shoulder. This wasn't my place anymore. Just as Joanie had seen that the waiting was for me to do with Al, I knew this moment was for Al and his new son. "Better get back to Joanie."

The last was whispered as I walked away. Al was so transfixed by the new life in front of him, I doubt he noticed my leaving. I don't want that to sound like I think it came out.

I never begrudged that little guy anything. I didn't feel put out or pushed aside. Maybe if I was younger I would have or maybe if I didn't know how lucky I was to have even known a man like Al Hunter. But he was still my father and would have continued to be even if Rachel had given birth to a dozen more. The human heart can hold love for an infinite number of people within it. Al's heart was bigger than most even. I was never less important than anyone else in his mind or heart. But he needed to bond with his son…the one that was really his.

I'll give a little spoiler and say that Rachel didn't have a dozen more. She didn't have any more at all. She was completed by little Joey's birth and they were happy then.

As for me right then, I needed to call Joanie. I knew she hadn't gone back to sleep. I found a pay phone and filled her in on what details I had and that I was heading home.

Me and Joanie made our way back over to the hospital later that day. Joanie fussed over the little guy and over Rachel and Al as well. Al was so proud. Rachel looked great for all she'd been through. I knew she had hidden her own fears to save Al the worry. I don't think she completely believed things would work out until they placed that little bundle in her arms.

Joey was a cutie too. It's hard to tell when they're first born but as he grew, you could tell he got his mama's pretty green eyes and his daddy's brown hair. It just kept darkening as he grew and by the time he hit high school was a deep chocolate brown. The girls couldn't help but fall all over him. Of course he got his daddy's charm too so that served him pretty well too.

I know I keep getting ahead of myself but sometimes it's good to know things that happen in the future too. And all of this is the past for me anyway.

Sunday dinner at Emma's was extra jubilant. Rachel wasn't home with the baby yet but we were all still so happy for Al and he was there bragging up a storm about little Joey.

"You sure are a proud papa," Emma remarked.

"Yes I am," he answered. "I don't think I've been this proud since I watched Kid and Lou graduate except maybe when Jimmy here got his Master's."

I wasn't the only one whose head shot up at that.

"Don't look at me like that," Al chastised. "We all know I ain't a first time father. I been raising this motley bunch for a good while now. And everything I have watched you all go through makes me just look forward to seeing all of that with Joey. The graduations, the proms, weddings…grandbabies. I can't wait to see the man he turns into."

It was a very emotional meal.

Once we all disbanded from the table, Sam pulled me aside.

"I wanted to talk to you about something, Jimmy."

"Sure Sam," I said and then caught his look. "Is everything alright? Emma's not sick or something, is she? Nothing's wrong with Sarah Jean? Michael?"

"No, it's nothing like that. I just needed a little advice on something."

I wasn't sure what possible help I could be to him but he had helped me quite a bit through the years so if he thought I could offer some advice, I had to at least listen to him.

"So, what's up?"

"You know how I got kind of a special assignment after the riots, right?"

"Yeah, you and Tom got stuck investigating the deaths at the Algiers, didn't you?"

Tom Culley was Sam's partner.

"We did."

"Did something break in the case?"

"You could say that," he said and then he got real quiet for a while before he spoke again. "It wasn't rioters that killed those men, Jimmy. It was cops. I didn't know for sure until a couple days ago but the evidence is overwhelming. And then we even got one to confess. Didn't even interrogate him hardly. I think it was weighing on him. I guess that's remorse and it counts for something but we arrest people every day who feel bad about what they've done. Doesn't seem right to make an exception because the guy wears a badge. We ought to be held to a higher standard."

"Have you filed your report yet?"

He shook his head.

"Tom ain't so sure we should. He even said that if I filed a report implicating police officers that he'd file one of his own saying he couldn't reach a conclusion based on evidence."

"What about the confession?"

"Pretty sure that will somehow come up missing," he replied with a defeated smile. "I know the officers won't be arrested no matter what I find."

"So what are you going to do?"

"That's what I wanted to talk to you about. What would you do?"

"Sam, I can't tell you that," I answered honestly. "For one thing, I ain't in your shoes and I don't know what I'd do exactly. And for another…well, there's a lot to weigh into this, it seems. Would you lose your job over filing the report that says the cops did it? What does Emma say? If you don't lose your job, would it make for a worse workplace for you?"

"I can't say work would be a cozy place for me…but how do I even try to tell Jesse to do the right thing or Sarah Jean or Michael…how can I tell them anything if I don't lead by an example?"

"I think you just answered your question," I said. "Doing what's right sometimes has as many consequences as doing wrong. But there's no price you can put on being able to look your family in the eye. Of course, I'm married to the great defender of the persecuted so that might skew the way I think."

Sam smiled a genuine smile then and clapped a hand on my shoulder.

"The next question is whether Emma will understand this when I am suddenly unemployed."

"Talk to her," I said. "Tell her what you just told me. Your integrity is a good piece of what she loves about you."

"Thanks Jimmy."

"There you are, James," I looked up to see my Joanie standing in the doorway of the den where Sam and I had wandered off to. "Emma was looking for you."

"She probably needs help with that platter again."

* * *

><p><strong>So I took a break from fanfiction for November and Nano...failed miserably at hitting any sort of decent word count and then couldn't write a gosh darned thing for a while. Finally got a little break through with the Christmas story with Jimmy and Emma...then just nothing at all! So frustrating...but I got my friends at the plus to help me focus and this came about...there is still so much more to go before 1967 is over and they ring in the new year. Small spoiler alert here that 1968 gets a little rough on a few people. Those who know their history will understand a few of the reasons why.<strong>

**Anyway...now that this is written, I think next up is the final slice of pie. I know it's taken me forever to get to that last one (or what I think will be the last one anyway...you never know what the muse has in mind.)...but I think it will be good all the same. Rachel has been so patient in waiting for her pecan pie.**

**I hope the new year is starting off well for all of you...or at least all of you who aren't freezing your faces off like we are here. Kisses!-J**


	102. Chapter 102

"There's got to be some way around it, Jimmy!"

Lou was fuming mad.

That day in mid-December of 1967 was the first time that I think I noticed that Lou was actually pretty damned cute when she was mad.

I know I talk about Lou like she was physically tiny but she really wasn't. She had a couple inches on Joanie and Judy at any rate. But something about her seemed small. Maybe it was just hanging out with a bunch of guys all the time. Comparison and all that.

Anyway, something about her when she was mad was like seeing a child throwing a tantrum. I mean a full on three alarm throwing themselves on the floor tantrum. I ain't saying Lou ever threw herself on the floor from being mad or anything like that. I ain't saying she didn't either. I wasn't with her all the time after all. But something about the clouds coming over her face, how her voice would get all high pitched…I don't know what exactly. It wouldn't have been cute on a three year old girl and yet it was adorable on Lou.

I think that day in the kitchen of the little house she'd managed to rent was the first time I wondered if Kid hadn't orchestrated most of their fights just to see her this cute.

That day I was sharing in her anger some. She'd just gotten word that only family was allowed to greet Kid when he got in. In other words, I couldn't be there. Apparently they'd tried to track down Kid's mom and found out she'd died. I can't imagine he was too broke up at hearing that. Of course, I remembered when my folks passed and I know feelings can surprise you.

Anyway, the welcoming party would be limited to Lou and the kids. Theresa could be there as his sister-in-law and a minor child in his and his wife's care. Al could not be there. Emma could not be there. But most of all, I could not be there.

I could not welcome my brother. I could not see him take those first steps back on US soil. I could not…I was not allowed. Legally and biologically I was nothing to him. Laws and biology don't always count for much where it's really important. But to the Army at that point, I guess they were all that mattered.

Lou wanted me there. She was terrified to handle the kids on her own with all the other emotions she'd be dealing with. She was scared to see him again.

I wanted to be there for her. I wanted to be there for all of them. But I could not. We were a stubborn pair, but I knew that neither of us was a match for the Army when they dug their heels in. For the record, I even asked Joanie about it, if there was a legal route we could take. There wasn't.

I look back now and what I told her in that moment was the truth.

"Lou," I said. "I know how you feel. I do. I feel the same way. But maybe there's a blessing in here. It ain't my place to act as a go-between with you two. Your reunion should be yours. You're his wife after all."

"But you're his brother," she insisted. "If you had even one parent in common, they'd let you come. If Al or Emma had adopted you two…It's a stupid rule!"

"Lou…I know you're scared. I know you hate not knowing what you're walking into. But it's best he not be overwhelmed. You need this time to come together again. You do."

That was true. All of it. I know it now. On some level, I might have even known it then. But at the time it was something I was pulling out of my ass to make us both feel better. It didn't help much.

"I'll tell you what," I said squeezing her hand. "Joanie and I will take the boys that day. You and Theresa go and meet Kid. Just you girls. Theresa will be good back up for you and it's probably better the boys aren't in some crowded unfamiliar place when they see him. They don't really remember him too clear you know. Just pictures. It'll take some adjustment for them. You get your husband back and bring him home. Once you do that, Joanie and I will come over here with the boys and some supper. We can play some euchre even...if he's up to it. Nothing big expected of anyone. How's that sound?"

Lou nodded. It was the best we were going to get and we both knew it.

The day came and Joanie and I watched Bobby and Jack. They were excited and I know Joanie was tired. She was so tired all the time then. She had some cases at work that were wearing on her. I didn't always know the details and even when I did, I didn't always understand them. But I knew the gist and that was that they meant a lot to her.

I think she was trying extra hard to keep her chin up and not look like certain other things in our lives weren't wearing her down. She'd had enough of the questions about how she was doing after the last miscarriage. And she'd had enough of everyone else's babies when she didn't have one of her own.

It had hit a point where she wouldn't talk to me about it anymore either. Sometimes she couldn't help letting her guard down a little. It wasn't all the time but sometimes, she'd put her book down on the nightstand and turn off her bedside lamp and roll over and start crying. I know she tried to cry quiet so I wouldn't know. But I always knew. I'd scoot over to her and just hold her and pet her hair and kiss her head. She didn't want to talk and I didn't know what to say that I hadn't already said a thousand times over.

But that day we found ourselves chasing two little boys around. Thank goodness it snowed the night before so I could get them outside and have a little snowball fight with them. I'd say I let them win but two little boys as close in age as those two were…well, they were a force to be reckoned with. Individually they were just sweet, bright boys. Just two of them. But put them together and there might have been a dozen. Cooped up in a house, they were a dozen destructive monkeys. Outside they were just more than I could take. If I'd had reinforcements then maybe I could've taken them. I will only say this, they legitimately beat me and I didn't care at all.

But it was fun anyway. I admit to feeling a little pang that it wasn't my own sons I was throwing snowballs with. But I shoved that away. I'd been kind of like a father to them since their daddy came up missing. I held the place for him, nothing more. I did what he needed me to do. I'll admit it now that I did it for me as much as for him or them.

Once we was thoroughly frozen and tuckered out from playing in the snow, we came in to find Joanie had whipped up some matzo ball soup and hot cocoa to thaw us out. I think I even saw a real spark in her eye as she chastised us for getting all snowy and wet.

Once we were fed and warm and the boys were mellowed out in front of the TV with some coloring books and crayons, Joanie slid up to me while I was looking out the window at nothing in particular.

"It's okay to be scared," she whispered.

"I don't know if scared's really the word for it," I told her. "Nervous…excited…so many things, Joanie. I'm so happy he's home and so damned mad he was gone to begin with. I…I…well, maybe I am a little afraid too."

"Talk to me, James."

"What if…what if all of this changed something between us? What if I don't really know him anymore? What if I really did lose my brother over there?"

"Then you'll just have to find him again," she said matter-of-factly. "No matter the man who steps off that plane today, the same boy is still in there somewhere. You're not the same man anymore either but the part of you that needs him is still there. It will be the same for him."

"I love you Joanie."

She hugged me tighter and then looked up at me strangely.

"What else?" she asked.

"What if this is a dream?" I asked. "What if it's not real? What if it's like every other time I've dreamt of seeing him again and just as I reach for him the alarm rings?"

"I guess you'll just have to find out for yourself when you see him later."

Joanie and I set to cooking then so we'd be able to bring Kid and Lou a home cooked meal. Eventually the phone rang and the rest of the day was set in motion.

The boys were good in the car but I could tell they were getting fidgety. I pulled over part of the way to their house.

"Before we get there, do either of you have anything you need to ask?"

They just sort of stared at me. I'd done the best I could to acquaint them with their dad…the man that I knew. But I couldn't tell them anything of the man they'd be meeting that day. There were some things I could maybe prepare them for though.

"I know I told you about the guy I grew up with," I said. "He's a good man with a big heart. There's nothing he loves in this world as much as you two and your mom…and Theresa. But he's had a bad time. He's been hurt and stuck in a very scary place for a very long time. I know it might be hard but just remember that, if some days getting your dad back don't seem all you thought it might be."

We finished the drive and the door of the little house opened as I pulled in the driveway. A skinny man in loose fitting jeans and a far too big coat limped laboriously out onto the little porch. Joanie and I hung back and let the boys go ahead.

They ran almost up to the porch steps and then stopped and looked up at the man. I thought maybe they were getting scared or shy or something. Before I could move to interfere though, they each raised their right hands and saluted their father.

Even from the driveway I could see the emotions play across his face before he returned the gesture.

"Come on up here boys," Lou called shakily from the doorway. I hadn't even seen her there.

The boys climbed up the steps and stood uncertainly for a moment. Then Bobby stepped forward. He was the older and the leader of the two. He stuck his little hand out looking every bit the man he'd someday grow into.

The man I knew was Kid, even though he looked more like the images I'd seen of men liberated from the concentration camps, attempted to crouch down. I watched him grab tightly to the rail of the porch steps to help ease himself to sitting. In the end he sort of sagged to a sitting position next to where his eldest son stood. He reached one hand out and tentatively touched Bobby's face.

"Bobby," he mouthed. Then he pulled the boy into a tight hug and then reached over and grabbed little Jack up into the hug as well.

I think the boys were scared for just a moment but then they hugged him back. It's hard to call it missing someone when you scarcely remember them ever being there. But his absence was felt all the same. It carried weight and they felt it in the way their mom looked longingly at a picture on the wall. Or the way she'd just be so tired at the end of the day and have nowhere to take it. Or when their friends at school talked about their daddies and Bobby and Jack could only say their daddy was in the war.

I knew they were in for an adjustment of another sort now. They were used to his absence in ways that Lou and I never could be. Him being there was going to be a change for them. I figured it to be a good change but it would be a change all the same.

The boys started to squirm a little. The moment had its own power for them but they were still just little boys and little boys aren't the greatest at sitting still for any amount of time.

I heard Theresa call them into the house and I watched as Kid tried to stand without letting them go. His face contorted with the pain and the effort and in the end he couldn't manage it. Reluctantly released them. His shoulders sagged. It was a happy day overall but I knew there was more to this moment than the joy of seeing his boys again.

Joanie climbed the steps next and I saw her reach down to squeeze his shoulder. I can't even describe the look on Kid's face right then. He took her hand and between that and the porch railing, got himself to standing.

"It's good to see you, Joanie," he said softly.

He pulled her into a fierce hug. His face worked to deny the overwhelming emotions but his actions could not hide how desperately he needed to be back home...fully back home.

"I owe you. I'll never be able to thank you enough for…looking out for him." He nodded in my direction.

She just nodded and hugged him back a bit. Then she went into the house. His eyes darted to me and caught mine for just a moment. It hurt to look in them. There was so much pain and fear...anguish. That's the word for it. Anguish.

He tried to turn away from me and head toward the door but Lou or Theresa or someone had closed it. They had also taken the food from my arms without me even knowing it and they all had just disappeared.

It was just me and my brother on the porch on a cold December evening. I looked at him really good for the first time.

He was gaunt. There were circles under his eyes. From under a stocking cap, I could see his head was shaved…or had been. There was some hair growing back.

At first glance, I wouldn't have known him. But staring into those blue eyes of his…well, I knew that was my brother.

I didn't know what to do. I had often dreamt of what it would be like to see him again. To talk to him. I would embrace him…but every time I did, I would wake up. I was scared as hell. I can say that openly now and I could say it to Joanie that day but…I wouldn't've made sense to too many others at the time.

"Kid," I croaked.

I saw the tears start falling and felt his arms pull me tight to him. He was real. This was real.

"Jimmy," he whispered to me. No other words were needed between us right then. Few enough had been needed in the past but then…just knowing we were there together…it was enough.

I don't know how long we stood there just hugging each other. It brought back every time we'd clung to each other in the past. Every time one of our dads would go on a bender and we'd hide out together and know that no one else understood. I guess it was the same on the porch then too. No one else could completely understand what that moment meant to us.

I know eventually we made our way inside. He could walk under his own steam but I could tell it wasn't easy and it pained him plenty.

The women had supper on the table and we all sat down and ate. There's something about sharing a meal with people. Breaking bread can smooth over disagreements and heal wounds. It felt right to be all together with them again. It was good and whole. I can't put it another way. I don't care if the words don't sound like they make sense. It's the best I got.

We didn't talk about anything heavy. No talk of prisoner of war camps or injuries. We sure didn't talk about Noah or anything. We chatted about an upcoming school play that Theresa landed the lead in and how Bobby and Jack was doing in school. We talked a little about Billy but not a lot. We all knew where he was at the time and didn't want to think about it too much. But I had some pictures of the baby to show Kid. And we talked about little Joey too. It was nice.

Toward the end of dessert, I could see Kid getting antsy. He seemed to be breathing faster and couldn't get comfortable in his chair. Lou went to herd the boys into bed and Theresa and Joanie went to the kitchen to get the dishes washed. I clapped a hand on Kid's shoulder.

"Need some air?"

He nodded and we grabbed our coats and walked out on the porch.

"Sometimes it's like the walls are closing in, Jimmy."

"I've heard it's like that," I said. "I can't say I know what it's like but I've heard. I tried to learn a little about what you're going through. I'm here if you need to talk."

"That's the last thing I want to do," he growled. "It's the past. It's over. I'm here even if I shouldn't…"

That would be the closest he'd get to telling me anything for many years. I don't think it was healthy for him to bottle it. I tried to get him to talk and it became a point of contention between us. I ain't saying that we weren't still close but we never agreed on what was best for him as far as how to heal. I think that put a wedge between us for a lot of years. That one hurdle we couldn't cross...like a great big elephant always sitting between us that we tried to look around without mentioning he was there.

"So…Lou tried to tell me what's been going on…but…I don't think she hit on everything."

"Where do you want me to start?"

"Noah?"

I sighed heavy and then launched into the story and how it played a part in taking Billy so far from us. That went into where Michael was and where Rosemary was too.

"I missed so much…"

"I know," I agreed. "A lot of it was bad though…not so you weren't really missing out on all that much…"

Kid laughed at that. I guess that was it right there. He was home and I didn't need to worry about us finding our place with each other again. Somehow we'd find a way to get moving on forward.

Eventually we made our way back inside and Lou broke out a deck of cards. We sat around the table and played euchre into the night. It was like old times. Almost. I should say it was almost like old times. Something was unsettled at that table. Nothing any of us could put our fingers on and nothing any of us wanted to acknowledge. But it was there all the same.

My mind went to something Joanie said after we found out Kid was missing. She told me how if I believed he was out there then he was and he wouldn't rest until he was home with us all once again. Someday, she said, we'd all be around a kitchen table again playing euchre and laughing about the stupid stuff Kid and I did when we were young. I'm not sure she even believed it herself at the time. I know she wanted to but I'm not sure she did. But she was right.

I reached over and took her hand under the table and gave a squeeze. Kid saw and grinned at me. There was hurt and jealousy in his eyes but there was also a spark of something...happy.

"I see some things never change."

* * *

><p><strong>I haven't forgotten about this one. This chapter has been more or less written for a few weeks now, I think. But...I needed to run it by a couple people first and one of them (looking at you, Ms. Alfie!) had her finger a little more on Kid's pulse than I did in the first draft. It took a bit for me to be able to work through her comments and suggestions.<strong>

**This chapter was especially hard because of the build up...he's been gone for 3 yrs...2 of those in a prison camp. I knew he came home and anyone who has read Pilarcita's Healing Wall knows that too. But knowing he comes home when he's been gone for so long...and his absence was so deeply felt...I was intimidated by writing the emotions. I hope I have captured them accurately.**

**I am glad to have Kid home but it was not easy for soldiers returning from Vietnam. I know it's never easy for soldiers coming back from war. Parts of Kid will never leave that jungle or that prison camp.**

**I hope this...well, enjoyable probably isn't the word...I hope it felt true.-J**


	103. Chapter 103

I won't bore you with too many of the details of Kid's homecoming. Most of the struggles will just come out on their own. Some of them I wasn't privy to anyway. The biggest adjustments were being made by those in that little rented house and they were only my business when one of them asked for my help.

There was a big party at Emma's though. I'm sure you expected as much. More than just me and Lou and the kids needed to welcome that man home. It was good for us all. I don't think anyone had quite forgotten the night when we all gathered at Emma's and found out that he was missing. We needed that healing.

Jesse was meeting Kid for the first time. In some ways I know he was excited about meeting the man. I had talked him up a lot and I think Jesse wanted to meet my best friend. And I know Jesse was excited for Theresa to get him back. They weren't together then or anything but he never stopped caring about her. I think they had even kind of gotten themselves back to something resembling a friendship.

But I think Jesse was nervous too. He knew that Kid knew that he had dated Theresa. I think he felt like he had overstepped his bounds with this man without even having met him before. I understood. I felt the same way riding home from the UP after me and Joanie did all we did on the beach. Of course, Jacob didn't know what we'd done.

Jesse didn't know this but Kid didn't know all the sordid details of their relationship either. Neither did Lou. Some things didn't need talking about. You can ask all you want if I feel guilty for not saying anything and the simple answer is that no, I do not. Nothing would have been gained from bringing more people into the know. Both of them kids suffered for the decision in their own way. It was done and nothing was going to change that. And ultimately, no one had really been hurt. Some feelings here and there but that is just bound to happen once folks start dabbling in love.

The party was boisterous and jubilant. We needed something to celebrate after the year we'd had and getting Kid home was a damned good reason to celebrate. Still, with all of the noise and the crowd, Kid had to step out onto Emma's porch from time to time. That was new for him but after the war, he just couldn't cotton to crowds and he often needed to get out of doors and get some air.

Some of the others looked worried for him when he would leave. I guess I can understand it. He didn't look well. I mean he didn't anyway. He hadn't gotten his weight back up and you could just look at him and see he wasn't sleeping well. But I mean, he would get real pale and his eyes would get wild and dart around and if you were close enough, you could see him starting to breathe faster.

I'd done some research into what we used to call "battle fatigue" or "shell shock". We call it PTSD now. Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Don't matter what you call it, he had it.

I knew he was just feeling the walls close in and in his mind he was somewhere else, somewhere dark and bad. Getting fresh air helped. I think the fact it was winter helped even more. There wasn't much for cool air in the jungle. The cold brought him back to reality that wasn't perfect but wasn't the hell he'd been in.

Sam and Al didn't look to worried either. I mean I know they wished he would talk or something maybe, but they understood. Al had fought in WWII and Sam in Korea. They knew what it was to feel trapped even in what should be a safe place. They knew how quickly the memories could overtake you and not even feel like memories anymore.

A couple of times when Kid went out, I went and talked to him a bit. He acted apologetic and I made sure he knew he didn't need to be. A person should be allowed some fresh air if they want it.

I won't insult anyone's intelligence by suggesting that a game of euchre and a party at Emma's was all there was to his homecoming. But, like I said, I wasn't privy to all the adjustments and the ones I was, well, they don't really need to be brought up just yet.

The important part was that he was home and that was a place for the healing to start.

When Kid came home, Christmas was right around the corner. Getting him home was the best Christmas and Chanukkah present I ever got. If Noah and Billy had been there it would have been perfect. Of course, Noah wasn't ever going to be there again but we could still hope for Billy to be with us once again.

Somehow it worked out for us all to be at Emma's on Christmas. Ike and Annie showed up later than the others. They had to be with her folks that morning and they'd celebrated with his folks the night before. But Buck and Carol were there and Kid and Lou and their bunch and of course me and Joanie. We weren't sure Sherry would be there but her siblings all descended on Midland the week before to celebrate with their parents so she was in the city. She'd gone to see Billy's parents on Christmas Eve and so she and the little guy were there on Christmas morning.

The day was real nice and like old times but even better for everyone's youngsters running all over. It was how Christmas was supposed to be. Or how we all always thought it was supposed to be. I think Sherry had a good time. She was still a little jealous of Lou getting her man home while Billy was still in Vietnam but she had a good time. I even saw Joanie relax and enjoy herself a little.

That evening we settled in front of Emma's TV and turned on the news to see Billy's report. He was in Saigon talking to some soldiers while they tried to balance between happy memories of Christmases past and wanting to forget it was Christmas at all since they weren't home to share it with loved ones.

"Any holiday here in Vietnam is difficult on these young men," Billy was saying. "But Christmas seems hardest of all. This reporter has only been in the country a few months but with a wife and new son back home in Detroit, the loneliness of the season is just as harshly felt as for these young men who've been here much longer."

He went on to talk to the men about favorite memories. They all talked about their mom's pies or going to midnight mass and stuff like that. Then he let them send wishes home. They'd give their name and hometown and who they wanted to wish a Merry Christmas to. Then the camera went right to a close-up of Billy.

"I'm Bill Cody from Detroit, Michigan," he began as all the others had. "I want to wish a Merry Christmas to my family in Detroit. Mom and Dad and the crowd that is no doubt gathered at Sam and Emma's. Sherry and Billy, Jr., you keep doing the things you do and I'll see you both soon."

He grinned wide at that comment, being able to slip the special message to his wife into his broadcast. Anyone else watching that broadcast across our great nation would have seen a self-assured young man fully composed. I heard the small break in his voice and I saw the way his eyes got just a little watery. But I'd known him a good long time. Sherry saw what I did too. I heard her whimper just a little. I know she was fighting to not cry. I reached and squeezed her shoulder and then turned back to the screen when I heard Billy's voice again.

"This is William F. Cody in Saigon wishing all of you a Merry Christmas."

It was quiet in the living room right then. Lights twinkled on the Christmas tree and snow fell softly outside the window and inside even the children were quiet. I heard the front door close quietly and Sherry's sniffle. I was torn in two for a moment until Al put a hand on my shoulder and nodded me toward Sherry.

It was best really. Kid wouldn't talk to me anyway. I don't know if he talked to Al or not but he wouldn't have talked to me at all. He never did about what happened over there. Well, not for a really long time.

Sherry, on the other hand, well, she needed a big brother and I was pretty good at that. I could hear the others pulling the little ones away to play with toys or whatever and I slid off the couch to where Sherry was sitting on the floor with the baby in her arms. I put my arm around her shoulders and squeezed her tight to my side.

She didn't say a word, just leaned her head on my shoulder and cried. I let her. She needed to be allowed to cry.

Eventually she picked her head up.

"Thanks, Jimmy."

"Are you going to be alright?" I asked her as she dabbed her eyes with a tissue.

"I have to be," she said resolutely. "He needs me to be. They both do."

"I'm here if you need me," I said and I felt her nod against me. We sat there quite a while in the living room with only the twinkle of the tree lights. Someone had turned off the TV on their way out of the room.

I don't know how long it was before little Billy started fussing a little and Sherry said she needed to change his diaper. I stayed on the floor and looked up when I heard the door open. Al came in first looking somber but offering me a half of a smile. Kid followed.

For just a moment my eyes met Kid's. I think that look was the most honest he was with me for years. I saw everything. His joy at being home, his desperation to put everything behind him. I could see the pain he had been through. That pain shot through me like a jolt of electricity.

As fast as the look came over him, it was gone. He went back to the façade he'd put up since he'd been back. I was once more at arm's length.

* * *

><p><strong>I know this is shorter than most chapters in this story. It seemed the right place to end things. There is a lot coming in the New year for the gang. I think it's best to give all of that a fresh page.<strong>

**As always, let me know what you think.-J**


	104. Chapter 104

I guess I should've taken New Year's as an omen or something. I didn't but I should have. Though really I guess I can't be blamed entirely for not seeing the building crapstorm that 1968 would be. We all should have seen it.

The thing is, when you get used to things going wrong, you just see them as just another thing going wrong and not as part of anything bigger.

So New Year's Eve me and Joanie gussied ourselves all up and headed out to the country club in Bloomfield Hills. Joanie spent so much time getting ready that I finally had to holler at her to hurry up. I didn't usually do that but we were running a bit behind and I wasn't trusting the roads a great deal.

I'd been sitting in my tux waiting for her to emerge from the bedroom for a good half hour. When she did and made her way down the stairs, I didn't know what to think and words were lost completely to me. I think if I was a cartoon character, I would have been doing the thing where their eyes pop out of their heads. I might even have had to collect them off the floor.

There stood my Joanie in some red satin get up. It was strapless which was nice to begin with since, I ain't kept it any secret that Joanie was very well endowed, if you get my drift. The rest of the dress hugged her curves. Every single one of them. I knew those curves pretty well and the thought was beginning to dawn on me that every man at the country club was going to know her curves almost as well as I did.

That thought made me a little uncertain of going out in public with her but then again, those were my curves to touch. She was mine to go home with at the end of the night and if she wanted to make every man at the party jealous of me then who was I to argue with her?

Looking at her face, I was beginning to figure out what took her so long to get ready. And why she'd been at the beauty parlor all day and come home with a scarf wrapped around her head. Her hair was done up like…well, I don't know really. It had been straightened and that's quite an accomplishment for her nest of curls. It was still curled but looser curls. Not the Jewish ones she came by naturally. The curls were like ringlets and those were piled on her head while the rest of her hair was straight and flowed over her shoulders.

She kept her hair longer because her curls didn't work for a lot of the short styles of the day and longer hair could be put in some twist or bun or something for court. I guess with her curls I didn't notice how long it was. When it was all straight, it flowed to the middle of her shoulder blades.

Her face was done up like she was trying for the cover of some fashion magazine. Eyeliner and I think she was even wearing false eyelashes. Her lipstick was the same blazing red as her dress. And she wasn't wearing her glasses. I knew there were contact lenses then but I didn't know until that night that Joanie had a pair of them. They weren't comfortable things then being hard and not breathing like the ones they have nowadays but it was a sight to see her without the spectacles.

That night was the first night she had worn them. They were a surprise for me. She'd been putting them in at work during the days to get used to them. But that night was the great unveiling.

Around her neck was the slight glint of the gold chain that held her Star of David. On her ears were the diamond earrings I had just given her for Chanukkah. Her nails were painted the same bright scarlet as her lips and I watched them fidget with the thin sash tied in a bow that accented her tiny waist and its contrast to the alluring curve of her hips and breasts.

"Joanie," I managed around my suddenly dry throat. "I-uh-you look…amazing."

She smiled as if relieved and I wrinkled my brow.

"Have I been neglecting you again?" I asked. "Was I acting like I needed reminding how sexy you are?"

"What? This old thing," she said with a wink and a smile that looked like a cat with canary feathers on her lips.

"Careful with that Mae West attitude, Joanie or we might not make it to the party at all," I said. I was trying to be funny but looking at her made that more than an idle threat.

"Easy Tiger," she laughed. "You're the one who invited guests this time. You can't leave them hanging like that."

She was right of course. I had invited Kid and Lou. We could always have invited guests who weren't members to the party but usually our friends had other plans. This was kind of special though. I had invited them and Theresa too. She declined wanting to go to a party some friends were having. That choice brought about other issues but I'll get to that later.

I knew we had to be there. Kid wasn't settled in yet. Not by a long shot. And Lou would feel a little out of place too if I wasn't there to help them out.

"Help a lady with her coat?"

I broke out of my thoughts enough to see Joanie standing there holding her coat in her hands. It was new. I saw it when she brought it home. It went all the way to her ankles and was trimmed in some fake fur. I guess I hadn't thought about if she had any specific reason in mind for buying a coat like that. A lot of dresses then went all the way to the floor. But I'm pretty sure she bought it just for that night.

I helped her into her coat and it struck me then that for all the times I had helped her into a coat, this was the one and only time she had ever asked me. It was strange but I didn't have much time to ponder it. Like I said, we were running behind and I had no idea what the roads would be like.

The drive to Bloomfield Hills near to killed me. Joanie slid across the seat right up tight to me and rested her head against my shoulder. I could feel her breath on my neck and the few times she spoke, her voice was barely above a whisper and her lips brushed lightly against my skin.

More than once I thought about pulling over to the side of the road, hauling her into the back seat and taking her up on what she seemed to be offering.

Joanie had some ideas of her own though. Her hands began to lightly trail up and down the inside of my thighs. If she was trying to get a rise out of me, at least one part of my body was obliging rather nicely.

I heard the chuckle from deep in her throat as her fingers drifted over the response she'd caused in my body.

"Oh dear," she said with feigned innocence. "It simply won't do to have you walk into the party in this state."

Then her nimble little fingers set to work undoing my pants. I had to pull the car over then. Maybe some men can keep their focus on the road with a woman's hands in their pants. I can't.

I brought the car safely to a stop and by then, my predicament was out in the artificially heated air of the car. Joanie pushed me back against the door. She looked at me like a wolf sizing up prey.

All I could do was stare at her. I mean, there I was half laying on the seat and hanging out of my pants while this incredibly sexy woman came toward me like a tigress.

That was when Joanie descended on me. All I could do was hold on tight to the seat and watch as her mouth worked over me.

Once she had me in a more…presentable state, she primly tucked me back into my pants, did up the button and zipper and patted the front of my trousers.

The she looked up at my dumbfounded face and just smiled. It was the most self-satisfied smile I have ever seen.

"We should probably get moving, James," she said fully bemused. "You were the one who was worried about being late."

I put the car in gear and got us back on the road. We went along in silence for a while and then she slid over to me again.

"Just so you know," she growled softly in my ear. "I'm not through with you tonight…not by a long shot."

"You're killing me, Joanie," I groaned. "You know that, don't you?"

She just giggled. Yeah, she knew it alright.

The worst was when we got to the country club, Joanie had me stop the car before we got to the valet. She kicked on the dome light and touched up her lipstick. All I could think of was how it got mussed and where there was probably some smeared lipstick on my body right then. My body wanted to respond and more than anything wanted to do something about the response. But we were just too close to the party.

You might think I wouldn't remember the party what with Joanie playing the part of sex kitten. But plenty happened that night to provide distraction from my sexy wife.

I had to play host to my guests and I wasn't used to that. Especially at the country club where I always felt like an interloper myself. Inviting them might not have been the best thing to do in retrospect. But I think a part of me was still denying how bad off Kid was.

He was home after all that time and that made me want to celebrate and have him close to us as much as possible. But I wasn't part of the hard work that was going into him adjusting to civilian life…or civilization itself for that matter.

But before I got to dealing with Kid and Lou there was other unpleasantness to deal with. I barely got Joanie's coat off of her before coming face to face with her parents.

Now my problem wasn't with Gladys. I never knew for sure if she had anything to do with what Mr. Cohen and Uncle Eli did at that very same country club a little over a month before. I chose to believe she didn't. I might be deluding myself but somehow I don't think so. I honestly think she didn't have the slightest clue what those men had done. I know Judy didn't know about it at that point in the evening. I also knew she'd be furious. There was no way she had played any part of it. Judy knew her sister better than either of those men did.

Gladys reached me first and I hugged her warmly. I always liked her and I think she was on my side even more than Mr. Cohen had been. He might have been the one that put me at ease in the beginning and he might have been the one who was in my place as the guy from the wrong side of the tracks going after the classy girl. But I think it was Gladys who always saw something in me. She was the classy girl who went for the poor working stiff, Jacob Cohen. I think she knew things she never let on. And I don't think Mr. Cohen was as immediately sold on me as he would have me believe. I think he got a lot of reminding of things from his wife.

"It's good to see you, Gladys," I said as I let her go. She patted my face.

"I miss you, James," she said sadly. "We don't see enough of you anymore."

"I know," I answered. "It's been tough to find time…"

It was a weak reply. I know that.

"So much tsuris," she said sadly. "But maybe now that is behind us and we can celebrate the happy things?"

"I hope so," I said giving her another hug.

That was about when Mr. Cohen walked over to me. I couldn't greet him so warmly. I just couldn't. It might be juvenile and petty but I just couldn't forgive him. Not yet anyway. Instead I just stuck my hand stiffly out.

"Jacob," I said pointedly.

"James," he replied shaking my hand.

My slight had an effect on him. I could tell. I'd shaken that man's hand numerous times and he had a good firm handshake. It was limper than a wet dish rag that day. I could see that maybe he regretted how he'd acted. I wanted to soften to him but at the same time, I just couldn't.

Judy had seen the exchange and looked at me like she knew something was up. I went over and hugged her tight.

"I'll explain later," I whispered. "This isn't the time or place."

"Is Joanie okay?" Judy whispered back and hugging me tighter. "I mean…I knew she was talking about a dress like that but I never thought she'd actually wear it."

"She seems better than she has in months," I told her.

She pulled away from me keeping her hands on my arms and looked closely at me.

"Looks like somebody had a nice drive out here," she observed with a quirk of her eyebrows.

Then she giggled and headed to greet her sister. I will never know how she even had an inkling that anything happened on the drive and I had to remind myself that she wasn't a baby anymore. It still sort of stuck in my craw that she seemed to know that much about sex. And that knowledge made a few more things that night stick in my craw too.

By the time Judy broke the hug with her big sister, there was a young guy standing expectantly next to her. I looked him up and down. If he was who I thought he was then Bubbe was doing the twist in her grave.

As I was looking over the guy I was pretty sure was Judy's date, I felt Joanie slip up real close to me, and I could tell right off it had nothing to do with insecurity. It was sexual, plain and simple. Oh, she wasn't being overt or anything like that, but Joanie was definitely making sure every man in the place knew who she came with and was going home with. It was a great big "yeah, eat your heart out, boys." to anyone who might notice her dress hugging her body and thinking how nice that body looked and how nice it might feel.

"Erik," Judy said as she simultaneously took notice of his presence and her big sister's actions. "I want you to meet my big sister Joanie and her husband James."

Erik smiled brightly at us.

"I've heard such wonderful things about you both," he said as he lightly shook Joanie's hand and then very firmly shook mine.

"It's nice to meet you," I replied. I couldn't say I'd heard nice things about him since I hadn't heard a damned thing about him at all.

I cut a glance at Judy who looked nervous to see my response. She'd come to trust my assessment of men and was waiting for the verdict. You can point out that I had known him for all of a minute and a half but there's a lot you can tell about a man's handshake. His was firm but uncertain. He was trying to make a good impression. Maybe he was even trying too hard.

Now that could be because she meant that much to him and he was nervous or it could mean he was trying to deceive me. I think of that as the Eddie Haskell treatment. You've seen Leave it to Beaver…at least on the channels that run old shows. Remember Wally's friend Eddie? How he'd always be extra nice and polite to June. It was downright creepy. And he thought he was snowing the Cleavers over so they wouldn't see what a slimy schmuck he was. Of course the Cleavers saw through Eddie. I could usually see through any Eddies that Judy got herself tangled up with too.

At that moment though, the jury was still out as far as Erik was concerned. I'd have to collect some more information. I gave Judy a non-committal shrug and she looked exasperated with me. Women. Sometimes there's just no pleasing them.

The group of us started heading to the table but I broke away to walk to the door.

"Just going to peek outside and look for a sign of Kid and Lou," I explained quietly to Joanie when she looked at me.

Her hands held my elbow a moment longer and she rose on her toes and pressed a lingering kiss to my jaw.

She didn't know it but it took every ounce of strength I had to walk away from her. There Joanie was in a sea of women who were wearing the cutting edge fashions of 1967. I questioned the term 'fashion' that evening. In my mind they were about as shape flattering as old flour sacks and there was my Joanie in the middle wearing that curve hugging red satin number. Every man was admiring her and I didn't want to leave her for a second.

But leave her I did. I stepped outside just as Lou drove up. Kid wasn't used to driving anymore and his leg pained him something fierce. He got back to driving after a while but eventually gave it up as the injury gave him more hassles. And there I go getting ahead of myself again. I stood in the doorway and watched as Lou handed her keys to the valet and ran around to try to help Kid out of the car.

He pushed her hands off of him and stood painfully. Maybe any other bystander wouldn't've seen the hurt on Lou's face as he pushed away her efforts to help him. But I wasn't just any bystander. Lou and I had gotten pretty tight while Kid was away. I knew her moods like few others. She couldn't hide something like that hurt from me anymore than I could hide anything from her.

We got to be a pretty good team, Lou and me. I don't mean like me and Joanie but…well, she turned to me for help with the boys and with Theresa and I leaned on her when I didn't know how to deal with Joanie. What it amounted to was me and Lou becoming closer than brother and sister. that I stepped into Kid's shoes in every way but one. I never once saw her in any sort of romantic light and I can honestly say she never saw me that way either…I think she wanted to once or twice.

Don't take that like it might sound. The time or two that she looked at me like that…she was sad and she was lonely and she needed something to cling to. I didn't mind her clinging to me but at least once I had to remind her of the boundaries we needed to keep. It wasn't that she loved me or even was attracted to me. I really don't think she was. But sometimes we see things that aren't there because we need to see something. I'm not making any sense and it don't matter anyway.

Back to that New Year's Eve party. I watched the two of them move toward the door. He offered his arm to Lou excatly like Emma taught all of us to do so many years ago. She obliged, and rested her small hand in the crook of his elbow, but the moment she tried to place her freehand on his arm too, he shook her free.

Lou spotted me about that moment and looked away like she was embarrassed. There was so much pain in her big brown eyes right about then. I didn't really know what to do.

Just a month earlier if I'd seen that look in her eyes, I could have gone to her and given her some comfort…a word, a hug…something. But the man limping laboriously beside her meant it wasn't my place to rush to her like that anymore. I know she was still my sister and I would always be a brother to her but there were things it wasn't my place to do anymore.

Lou tamped down the embarrassment and hurt and placed her hand lightly in the crook of his elbow again. I opened the door to the club for them and then followed them in. They checked their coats and I led them to our table. I watched as Kid managed to pull out Lou's chair for her.

I'd made sure that he had a chair where he could face the party. It was hard for me to give up what was usually my spot but he needed to see what was coming at him more than I did at that moment. I don't even know if it helped all that much. He sat there stiffly with his eyes darting everywhere at once.

Lou tried to take his hand but he pulled away from her. There were tears standing in her eyes. I knew better than to think she would let them fall. Hell, I knew if I pulled her aside right then that she wouldn't even admit to anything being wrong.

Thankfully, Joanie saw it too. She squeezed my hand under the table.

"I think I need to go powder my nose," Joanie said lightly.

"I'll join you," Lou answered jumping up so fast I thought she might topple her chair.

I don't know what those two chatted about in the bathroom but when they got back to the table, Lou was a little lighter and Joanie looked more weighed down.

I stood and held Joanie's chair for her. When I leaned down to kiss her cheek before taking my seat again, she held my face close to her head for a moment.

"Keep an eye on him," she whispered.

"I have been," I whispered back.

And I wasn't lying. I watched Kid's every move from the moment he set foot in the building. He seemed agitated by the activity and sound. It was worse when Lou left for the powder room with Joanie. He seemed to nearly come unglued. Instead of darting wildly, his eyes were fixed on the direction the ladies would be coming from and he didn't look anywhere else or even move a muscle until he saw her again.

He also chugged his wine like it was lemonade or something. That worried me some too. Kid wasn't a teetotaler but he wasn't a heavy drinker either. Of course this was a party and he was under stress and he wasn't driving so I kind of let it slide for that night.

Conversation was kept mostly light and no one asked too much of Kid which was probably a good thing. Gratefully no one brought up the war either. I have no idea how he would have reacted to that topic on that night. It wasn't something he talked about. When he did talk with me it had reached a point where he'd speak in generalities, no details were ever given.

After we'd all finished eating, the band picked up the pace a little and people got out on the dance floor and really started cutting a rug. Before I could even think about asking Joanie for a dance, Judy was holding out her hand to me and I saw Erik bowing to my girl.

I might have gotten angry about that guy asking her like that but I could tell he was under orders to do it. It never went well for any man to go against the wishes of a Cohen woman. I knew that from experience. Judy was behind this and I was best to go along. Judy might not have been my Cohen woman but she was every bit as fierce as the one I married—maybe even more so.

I got up and let Judy lead me onto the dance floor. I put my hand on Judy's waist and spared a look back to the table to see Kid pushing himself out of his seat to offer a hand to his bride. I knew it would be a struggle for him to limp his way around the dance floor but I also knew he'd been dreaming of such a thing for years and finally could again. He'd manage it somehow.

"He's not okay, is he?" Judy asked and I jerked my head to her. I think I had forgotten I was dancing with a young lady. Amazing what worry can do.

"He can't be expected to be," I answered.

"I suppose not," she looked thoughtful for a moment and then almost cautious before she broached the next subject. "So what's up with you and Dad?"

I just frowned at her. I didn't want to say anything about it. But I had to tell someone. At that point, I hadn't said a word to anyone. It was hard keeping something like that inside me.

"This has to stay between us," I told her. She looked a little scared of my expression and then nodded slowly.

I proceeded to tell her the story and I watched her face turn five different shades of red. She was livid. I could tell. She wanted to go and tear her father down a peg.

"Between us," I reminded her. "I can't risk Joanie ever knowing this. I hate keeping secrets…and maybe someday it will be water so far under the bridge that it won't matter. But she's so fragile right now. I can't let her know that her own family has such doubts…that they've lost faith in her like that. I just can't. You know that."

"It would kill her," Judy agreed. "I can't believe they did that."

"I couldn't believe it myself…"

"I'm sorry they treated you like that, Jimmy," Judy said looking broken-hearted. "You're a good man, Jimmy. You'd never let her be hurt. For Dad and Uncle Eli to suggest you'd put anything above her…"

"Thanks Short Stuff," I said giving her a hug. "Now you want to tell me about Thor over there?"

"You mean Erik?"

"Yeah, Mister tall, blond and Nordic."

"I'll have you know that he's really a very nice guy," she defended. "I think he really cares for me."

"And how do you feel about him?" I asked.

"I told you…he's really nice."

"Uh-huh…"

"And handsome."

"Judy…I'm a guy and even I can see he's good looking," I told her. "I'm asking if you care about him as much as he cares about you. Or if his being here has anything to do with Dan Shapiro being here with that leggy blonde."

"Jimmy," she grumbled rolling her eyes.

"Don't you Jimmy me, young lady."

That got her laughing.

"Alright," she finally said. "I did want Dan to see me with Erik…but Erik and I have been seeing each other for a little while now. I do like him. I won't say it's love exactly…but I like him."

"Be careful, Short Stuff," I cautioned. "You don't want to be that girl that goes around breaking hearts or something."

"Only you could think I was even capable of something like that," she giggled. "I think that's what I like best about having a big brother. At least someone thinks…"

"What?" I interrupted. "Someone thinks that you're pretty? Judy, I assure you, I'm hardly alone there. You and your sister don't see what you've got but you can both turn men completely inside out."

"I'm not thirteen anymore, Jimmy."

"I know and even when you were, I wouldn't even think of patronizing you. He really likes you. I mean really likes you. Don't make him think it's more mutual than it is…and please don't use him. I don't know him that well but no one deserves that."

I think I got through to her. Maybe not. I know they saw each other a while longer but then one or the other of them broke it off. Maybe it just wasn't destined. Maybe Judy saw that she was just using him. Maybe Erik didn't really have the deep feelings for her it looked like he was developing on that New Year's Eve. Maybe a lot of things. Joanie probably knew what it was. They talked all the time. But no one ever filled me in on it. Not that it mattered.

Judy dated a lot. I don't know how she could still play that I only said nice things to her because I was her brother-in-law. I would've thought she might at least believe one or two of the men who asked her out. She didn't date ugly guys either. They were all good looking and smart.

After that first dance, I got my Joanie back. I had kind of kept an eye on Erik and he was every bit the gentleman. I didn't stop watching him when he got my sister-in-law in his arms either. He treated her like she was something precious. Of course, I'm sure you know that to me she was. I could've been alright with it if it had worked out between them.

Getting Joanie back was like heaven…and hell. I could dance closer to her and she was mine. But she was wearing that dress with the satin clinging to her every very feminine curve and her cleavage just begging…yeah, remembering her in that dress still gets me a little worked up.

There was something really great about dancing with Joanie that night while she looked like a complete sex kitten. Nearly every man in that room looked like he would give his right arm to be in my shoes.

I scanned the jealous faces for the one who would only be happy to see her looking so terrific.

"Joanie, where's Aaron?" I asked. "Didn't he come home for the holidays?"

"He was home for Chanukkah," she said. "Remember, we saw him at temple. But he went back to New York right after. He missed Gene."

"Where was Gene?"

"New York…It's uncomfortable for Aaron to bring him here. They can't exactly…well, they don't know where to stay and they can't attend this party together…it's just hard for them."

I guess I understood. There were places in New York where they could have something like a date and they had their own apartment where they could live like me and Joanie and they didn't have any of that in Michigan. Uncle Eli and Aunt Naomi liked Gene and loved their son but I can imagine it was still strange. Hell, it is today in places.

I was sad not to see Aaron and I was sad for Joanie too. He was still her best friend besides Sherry…and I guess me. She talked on the phone with him sometimes and they wrote letters but it wasn't the same. I knew she missed him and I knew he wished he could be more present for her with all she'd been through.

Even as I swayed with my beautiful wife to the music, I spared a glance to Kid. I could see him still valiantly twirling Lou around the floor. He was doing alright and from time to time I could see something close to peace cross his face. I knew he must have caught the scent of his wife's hair or felt her relax against him. Something that felt good and right and normal. The peaceful look never lasted long but I could see it from time to time all the same.

Lou clung to him like she was reminding herself he was really there.

"Lou looks so pretty tonight," Joanie mused. "She made that dress herself, you know."

"Did she really? She's pretty talented."

"She was worried she wouldn't fit in. I think her dress looks nicer than most of the ones here tonight. If she ever wanted to give up nursing, she could make a tidy sum as a dressmaker."

"I don't see that happening," I said. "She's worked too hard."

Joanie just nodded against me.

It felt so good in her arms that I almost forgot to keep an eye on Kid and Lou. But I lifted my eyes in time to see the whole scene. Kid was dancing slower and slower and the pain was showing on his face more and more. He wasn't strong then. He'd been so thin and weak and his leg…well, there was hardly any muscle left in it.

I watched Lou's body language change and she tried to help him to the table. He shook off her attempts to help him so forcefully that I thought he might knock her down. I wanted to go to help him…or her. But I knew I shouldn't.

"Do you need to go to him?" Joanie asked. I think she thought me not going to him was because I didn't want to leave her. That was only part of it.

"If he won't take her help, he for sure won't take mine."

I watched as Kid made it back to the table and saw Lou lean to him, try to kiss his cheek, hold his hand. He pulled away from her and said something with an angry expression on his face. Next I saw Lou head for the bar with a stricken look on her face.

I felt Joanie tense in my arms. She knew as well as I did that things were not going well.

"James, I'm thirsty," she said. "Would you get me something to drink?"

I nodded and gave her a quick kiss before heading to the bar and sliding up next to Lou who was waiting for Kid's drink.

"You going to be alright?" I asked after ordering drinks for me and Joanie.

"He just has his moods now," Lou said softly. "I need to get used to them. It's not his fault you know."

"I know it better than most you'd talk to," I reminded her. "Don't forget I'm always here for you if you need me or if you think he does."

"He thinks he can do everything himself," she told me. "Or he thinks he has to as some kind of punishment."

"Kid still has his pride, Lou. He needs to still feel like a man and it might be antiquated but a man doesn't have to be tended to by his wife. The fact that he needs to lean on you so much right now hurts him. You've done so much all alone and he wants to be able to jump right in and he can't."

"How do I make him see I don't care about that?"

I shook my head.

"You don't," I replied picking up the drink for Joanie. "This isn't about what matters to you. It's about what matters to him."

I made my way back to the table to see Joanie talking with Kid. I don't know why I felt afraid of that scene. I knew Joanie was smart and wasn't going to press him or talk about something that would upset him. I think I just felt anxious about Kid in general and protective of him too. For too long I hadn't been able to protect him. Terrible things had happened while I was nowhere to be found for him and I felt I owed him something.

Kid seemed to be doing alright talking to Joanie and his shoulders even seemed to relax a little. His eyes still searched the room for Lou periodically but not frantically like earlier in the night. I even saw a small smile.

I slid into my seat next to Joanie and put her rum and coke in front of her before taking a sip of my scotch and soda.

Joanie kept talking as she leaned into me. One of her arms draped lazily around my shoulders and I could feel her fingers absently twirling in the hair at the nape of my neck. She took a sip of her drink before resting her head on my shoulder. I fought to pay attention to what was being said.

I was shocked to hear Joanie talking about a peace march. And even more shocked that Kid was listening intently.

He didn't look afraid or haunted. He looked angry…but not at Joanie. I think she was offering him a way to focus his anger. I know he never felt the same about the war or the government or the military after all he'd been through. Few would. He didn't hate the military really but he'd seen decisions made that would torture him for the rest of his days and he didn't really believe in the war itself anymore. Or maybe it was the way the war was handled by the politicians in charge. I don't know exactly and it was a very, very long time before he truly let me in on even a little of it.

I think the long and short of it was that he felt like he was set up for failure. All of the men over there were. They were in a losing fight and not given the means to win and then they came home discreetly to no fanfare or ticker tape parades.

Joanie talked of people advocating peace. People marching in an effort to bring the boys home where they belonged. It appealed to him.

Once Joanie got Kid talking, he was different. He was almost like...almost...well, he was talking and that was a improvement over the Kid he'd been since coming home. He decided the next march, he'd go with Joanie. I couldn't see the harm in it. Sometimes I wish I could go back in time and slap the stupid out of myself.

But it was good for a while. He seemed to have a mission and a plan and that cleared the way for him to engage with us in conversation.

He talked about the boys and how big they'd gotten and how smart they were. His voice hinted at the pain of how much he missed with them but his words spoke of the future and little league games and things like that.

Kid talked about Theresa too. There was greater sadness there. I don't think it was for the missed time but I think she was finding it more of an adjustment to have him home and she was a very dramatic teenage girl. When he'd left, she'd barely been a teen at all and certainly had none of the attitude that had come with becoming a high school student. She challenged him and I think he missed the easy way they'd had with one another before he'd gone.

Things were going pretty good until it got closer to midnight and the champagne corks started popping. Honestly, you'd think that as much as I cared for the man that I would have seen it coming but the first pops nearly made Kid jump out of his skin. I thought he might dive under the table but instead he was just frozen, his only movements coming in his fast shallow breaths. He sat there gripping the table as if it might save him, while his darted everywhere at once. He would surely pass out if I didn't get him some air.

I went around the table to him and nudged Erik on the way so he could come and help me. Erik hung back a little while I bent over and talked softly in Kid's ear.

"You're okay," I said. "Somewhere inside you know you are. It's okay. I'm going to help you stand up now so you can get some air. Erik here is going to help too. No one is going to hurt you."

Nothing in his body language changed so I nodded to Erik as I gently put a hand on Kid's shoulder. I watched as he bit his lip to keep from making a sound and he seemed to curl in on himself. Of course loud popping and someone grabbing him probably meant something else to him now.

Erik looked at me in question.

"I have to get him outside," I said and I knew Kid wasn't hearing anything I said so I didn't bother keeping my voice down too much.

Erik and I got him up and practically had to drag him out. His legs were pulled up a little and he wouldn't help us move him. For being as thin as he still was, it took everything Erik and I had to carry him like that. He was practically dead weight in our arms.

Everyone else in the room was too jubilant of the nearing New Year to notice us and I was grateful for that. We got Kid outside and into the cold almost January air. Kid must've felt that air on his face because he at least put his feet down so we could stand him up and let him lean a little against a post at the front of the building.

He still stood rigidly. I nodded at Erik that we were alright and mouthed a thank you to him as well. He went back inside and it was just me and Kid.

Just me and Kid…like it had been for most of our lives. Just us against the whole big, bad world. I kept my hand on his shoulder to steady him and kept my mouth shut. He knew I was there. He knew he could talk if he needed to. He knew he could keep quiet and that was fine too. We just stood there like that for a while.

I felt his breathing return to normal under my hand and the tension leave his shoulders. From inside I heard the countdown and then the happy cheer of midnight. About the time the first strains of Auld Lang Syne wafted out to us, we probably just looked like a couple of guys checking out the stars in the clear winter night.

"Happy New Year, Jimmy," he said quietly.

"Happy New Year, Kid," I replied.

A couple minutes later, Lou came out with Kid's coat. She looked like she might have been crying. I nodded to her that things were better.

When Kid saw her, he grabbed her and pulled her into a tight hug.

I was about to duck out of the scene that I clearly wasn't meant to witness when Lou spoke.

"I think we're going to head for home, Jimmy. I'm not used to keeping hours like this anymore and I'm likely to fall asleep at the wheel if I stay any longer."

I don't think she was tired at all. She just knew Kid was done for the night and she needed to get him home.

I smiled at her.

"Happy New Year, Lou," I said as cheerily as I could. "Drive safe."

She nodded as she helped Kid on with his coat. The valet brought their car around and they were gone.

I went back inside to find my wife. It's customary to kiss in the New Year and I was hoping she was still waiting for me and hadn't decided to find a more dependable pair of lips.

I had no cause for worry. She was right inside the door watching for me. We were out of the view of most of the party guests so I took the opportunity to hold her tight to me and kiss her like I usually wouldn't in public.

We decided to leave right about then too. The party would go on for a little while still but suddenly we were more in a mood to celebrate privately.

Joanie was cuddled to me all the way home. From time to time she planted soft kisses on my neck. There was no mention of Kid or his problems. There was just the two of us.

Once we got home, we went in and I took her coat and hung it up in the closet with mine. I heard something that sounded like a zipper and turned around just as she dropped that dress right in the middle of the living room.

All I could do was stare. It wasn't the first time that night she had rendered me speechless. I'm not complaining. Only a fool would complain about a voluptuous nearly naked woman in his living room.

I look back on it now and wonder about that woman. There was a power she held over me from the first moment I saw her standing in her little circle skirt and saddle shoes beside her 'Vette all those years before. Before she had pulled that car into Al's garage I'd sworn off women entirely. I'd held out for most of a year. In a matter of seconds, she changed everything.

So I stood there marveling at the beauty of my wife as she stood there in her garter belt, panties and stockings. I guess it's alright that I couldn't think to move. Joanie had plenty of ideas about what she wanted to do. I felt all kinds of stirrings in my body as she sauntered toward me.

She said earlier that she wasn't done with me and I'm telling you, she wasn't lying.

* * *

><p><strong>This one took forever it seemed. I really had wanted to blow past New Year's...but then I realized that too much happened at the Country Club party and a fair amount of it is kind of important.<strong>

**This would not have come together at all without my dear Beulah! She is a gem and worked tirelessly on this even as she was in the middle of work stress and trying to get her own next chapter finished (Beulah is Sunnybrook in case you didn't know and she is writing the brilliant Rock Creek High story. If you haven't checked that one out...you MUST! It is an amazing story!) Thank you dear, sweet Beulah. You keep me sane and honest and on track and for that...well, words cannot express how much I appreciate it.**

**So I hope you dear and faithful readers have enjoyed reading about J&J ringing in 1968. Now, in the words of the great Bette Davis, "fasten your seat belts, it's going to be a bumpy ride!" Yeah...if you thought 1967 was fraught with tsuris (yiddish for troubles) then, babies, you ain't seen NOTHIN' yet! - J**


	105. Chapter 105

We forged ahead into that new year despite what we knew we were facing.

Sherry was doing well at her job and seemed to have settled into life with Billy gone. It was hard on her, I know but she was a tough lady.

Theresa was cutting Kid some slack and I think that helped things there a little. I know it wasn't all sunshine and rainbows there but it was getting a little better, I think. Hell, I don't know. I know it got worse before anything really got truly better.

Joanie. Well, Joanie was tricky. There were times when we were so connected you might have thought we shared a brain or a heart…maybe even a soul. January 1968 was not one of those times. I did not know what was going on in her mind and she was moving too fast for me to pin her down to ask her.

Of course, she was keeping me off balance with her little sex kitten bit around then too. It's hard to remember to have a serious discussion when a sexy woman is nearly begging to have her way with you.

I knew it was strange. I did. I knew there was something almost desperate in how she would come on to me. I thought it was just her trying to get pregnant again. It made sense and I know that was part of it anyway. After the miscarriage we were supposed to wait a couple months but those were up and I knew she was chomping at the bit to get herself knocked up again.

But let me get back on track with the story here. We were only about a week after the big party at the country club and things seemed to be looking up. Until the phone rang one evening. I went to answer it. I am so glad that I jumped up to get it instead of letting Joanie grab it. I probably should have known that my optimism about things getting better was poorly placed

"James," Mr. Cohen's voice sounded strained. "I know you don't want to talk to me but it's good you answered. If I had to tell Joanie like this…"

I listened to his tone. It was pain and contrition and things I couldn't identify.

"What's wrong? Is Gladys alright?"

"Yes, she's fine," he replied. "But…"

I listened. I think my whole body went numb hearing the news. My head was spinning and I wasn't sure if I could keep breathing. I managed to thank him for calling and hung up. I just sat there for a minute. I could not believe this was real. And I sure the hell didn't know how I was going to tell my girl.

There was no putting it off. I did not want to deliver this news to her but it fell squarely on my shoulders. I knew it was best that she wasn't hearing it over the phone. I stood and went to the living room where Joanie was sitting on the couch dividing her attention between some paperwork and whatever was on TV.

"Joanie," I said softly. "Joanie, honey, I need to tell you something."

"Who was on the phone, my love?"

"Your father."

She looked up at me and saw my expression but she misunderstood it.

"Oh James," she purred, "You shouldn't let him get to you. He's been in such a mood lately. I don't know what it's about but you can't take it seriously."

She stood and sauntered to me. Her arms draped around my neck as she pressed her body to me.

"I'm sure I can make you feel better."

"Joanie, no," I said as I took her wrists in my hands, uncoiling them from around my neck. I brought her hands to my face and kissed the back of one of them bringing her eyes to meet mine. "I need you to listen to me. Please, honey."

I led her back to the couch and sat her down.

"What's the matter, James?" she asked looking scared. I wasn't sure how I was going to tell her. My head was still processing everything. I wasn't sure I could get out the words.

"Gene called Uncle Eli a little bit ago," I began with a heavy sigh. "He…he came home from work…the apartment was all dark. He thought maybe Aaron was still at the hospital. He'd been putting in some long hours lately with the end of his residency coming. But…Aaron was there. He was…oh, sweetheart, I don't even know how to say it…"

Joanie's lips were trembling and her deep brown eyes were starting to swim with tears.

"James…tell me, what happened. Where's Aaron? Is he sick? Is he hurt? Tell me."

"He's dead, Joanie."

"No," she said resolutely. "No."

"Gene found him in their bed."

She just shook her head. I understood. It seemed like I was telling a story someone made up. It didn't seem real that I was talking about our friend. But I had to go on. I don't know if it was because I needed her to understand or I just needed to tell someone so I wasn't holding the weight of the news all alone.

"There were empty bottles from sleeping pills and painkillers next to the bed."

Her head shot up at that and she scowled hard.

"No," she growled.

"He...Aaron killed himself, Joanie."

"No!" she screamed and tried to pull her hands away from where I was holding them between us.

"No!"

It seemed the only word she knew anymore.

"Honey…I'm so sorry."

The tears I had been holding off started to fall. Joanie wasn't letting hers go but Aaron was my friend too. He had stood up with me at our wedding. He had taken care of Joanie before I knew her. He had been her confidant so often when I couldn't be what she needed. He was a good man. He was young and vital and he could not be gone. It just didn't make sense.

We had spent years worrying that Kid would die in a jungle half a world away and once we finally got him home and safe, someone who was supposed to be safe was gone. There was no warning. It wasn't some enemy that took him. He took himself from us. He chose to leave. It was the cruelest blow of all.

"You're wrong," she kept insisting. "You're lying. How could you be so cruel? Aaron is fine. Gene was mistaken. He has to be. Aaron wouldn't do that. He just wouldn't."

Words were not going to help this at all. I just pulled her to me and held her tight.

"No," Joanie whimpered as the tears began.

"I know, honey. I know."

"No you don't," she sobbed. "You have your best friend still. You got your brother back. Mine's gone."

Her hands balled into fists and pounded hard on my chest. I fought against her struggling form to hold her tighter to me.

"Mine left me. Why did he leave me? If he was so…why didn't he…I was right here!"

Joanie's words had started in a low hiss but grew with each blow to my chest to a wail bordering on hysteria. She punctuated her last word by pushing violently away from me. Her nostrils flared as she glared at me with her eyes full of fire.

"Tell me! You studied this. Why? Why did he leave? Why didn't he call? Why?"

"I don't know, sweetheart," I admitted. "None of us can know that."

"What good is that?"

I shook my head sadly. If I could have given her answers, I would have. Hell, if I had any answers now…for me…I'd take them. I don't know why he didn't reach out. I've talked to Gene since then. He was just as shocked as we were. He had no idea Aaron was hurting that bad.

And then there were the drugs. After he died, they found some heavy narcotics in his bag. Pain killers. Apparently he was always in pain after he took that beating on the freedom rides. He was hooked on those pain killers.

The addiction probably didn't help his situation. You have to understand what it was like for a man like Aaron in a time like we were living in then. There were no gay pride parades or court cases allowing marriage rights or anything like that. All Aaron had was shame and hiding.

Thing was, he didn't think he had anything that he ought to be ashamed of. He was a man in love. More than that, he was a man in love with someone who loved him right back. A man in that situation ought to be able to brag it up. He had to hide it. He had to keep it a secret from co-workers and bosses. He couldn't hold hands with the person he loved as they walked through Central Park like other lovers. I know it depressed him.

Still, a lot of people are depressed and in pain and they don't take a whole bottle of sleeping pills. They don't leave their family and friends devastated.

The night we learned of Aaron's death—we never referred to it as a suicide even though that's what it was—was the closest Joanie truly let me get to her for a long time. She didn't have the energy for pretenses. She was heartbroken and she let me care for her. We cried a lot that night and for a few after that as well.

That night, Joanie cried herself to sleep in my arms. I was reminded how small and frail she could be. It was the first time in a long time that I had felt up to the challenge truly of taking care of her.

You want the truth about the whole scene with Mr. Cohen and Uncle Eli at the country club and the real reason it bothered me was that I wondered too if I really was putting her best interests first. It wasn't that I felt I was making her keep getting pregnant or anything but I wasn't sure I was doing enough to see to her.

In the dark of our room that night, with her tears drying on my t-shirt and her little body curled up in my arms, I felt man enough for the task. I never believed I could completely shield her from the hurt the world would fling her way but I always wanted to be the warm, safe place she could land. I knew I was succeeding that night.

I don't want to make it sound like I was in any way happy about Aaron dying. If all he ever was to me was a friend to her, that would have been enough for me to not want to see something like this happen. But I guess I felt closer to Aaron than in the beginning. We had some good talks after the wedding. He wouldn't just call to talk to Joanie but to me too sometimes. He'd been talking about maybe he and Gene would move to Michigan after he finished his residency. I was looking forward to it.

When he died, we hadn't talked in a while but I remember the last time we had talked. It was not long after we found out Kid was still alive and coming home to us.

"_I have to admit that I always found your faith in him being alive misplaced but admirable," he admitted to me. "I'm glad to be wrong."_

"_I'm glad you were too."_

"_For you to lose him…" his voice trailed as if grasping for the words he needed. "I have a brother, James. I love Dan and he cares for me as family should. But it has never been the relationship you have with your friend."_

_He paused again and I let him. I didn't know what to say and even, though I wasn't in the room with him, I knew it wasn't my turn to talk._

"_Joanie," he continued. "With her I had what you have...she has always been like a sister to me. Maybe even closer than a sister. If we'd grown up in the same house we couldn't have a tighter bond. She understood what Dan never could. I prayed for your friend to come home as I pray to never have to live without Joanie."_

_There was a pause and even over long distance phone lines I could hear him draw a shaky breath._

"_I'm glad I don't have to worry for her anymore," he continued. "With you taking care of her, no one needs to worry for her."_

_There was something resolute about his tone when he said that. Something final and decisive. I was still trying to come up with something to say when he spoke again. _

"_Thank you."_

I've thought a lot about that conversation since. Those were the last words I heard him speak so I've turned them over and over in my head trying to make some sense of things. I think he was giving himself permission to do what he did. It was many years before I told Joanie. I was afraid if I told her right after he died that she'd blame me.

He was rationalizing something, that was for sure. But in all the years that he's been gone from us, his words only make me madder. If he knew how precious she was to him, how did he not know how much he meant to her? Whatever pain he might've thought losing her would bring, he had to know his actions would cause the same hurt to her. It makes me so mad to think he could do that to her.

He said he loved her. He said she was his sister. He said he worried for her well-being and then he didn't think of her at all before he took those pills.

I laid there in the darkness holding tight to my wife. The tears ran down the sides of my head and into my hair. I didn't dare move to wipe them away for fear of disturbing Joanie. I didn't mind them anyway. No one was there to see and mourning a friend ain't shameful.

In time the tears stopped coming and I was just worn out. I kissed the top of Joanie's head through her mass of unruly curls and felt her pull herself tighter to me. Then I fell asleep too.

The days leading to the funeral were hard. Joanie clung to me like a child to a security blanket. To be honest, there was something comforting to me about having her so close to me.

The funeral itself wasn't any easier. I knew I would have to face Mr. Cohen and Uncle Eli. I didn't hold any bad feelings toward them by that point. Maybe I shouldn't have anyway. They were doing what they thought they needed to do to protect a loved one. Sadly she wasn't the loved one who needed the protecting the most.

Gene's was one of the first faces I saw when Joanie and I got there. Joanie hugged him tight. I did too. We remained friends with Gene, over the years. He eventually found someone else to love but it wasn't easy for him.

After the funeral, Mr. Cohen and Uncle Eli sought me out. I didn't think we'd do this that day but I knew it was coming. I figured I would call one of them in the week that followed and see about burying the hatchet. Life was far too short to carry a grudge that amounted to a spitting contest over who loved Joanie most.

But instead I found myself in Uncle Eli's study with a glass of his good scotch in my hand.

"James," Mr. Cohen began, "I need to apologize. We were wrong. Whatever our concerns are, that was not the way to handle the situation."

"I accept your apology," I said looking from one weary man to the other. "It's not necessary but I accept it all the same. You love her. I know that. I didn't need to act like I did about it either. I'm sorry."

Eli shifted in his chair and I looked to him. He had been silent this whole time. It was painful to look at him then. His eyes were rimmed in red and he carried a hurt that I would say I didn't understand except that I did. I had felt it twice over by then. He knew it too. He knew that I could relate to his pain like few others. I knew what it was to lose a child. Some people seem to think that it doesn't hurt as much to lose a child to miscarriage as when they are older. That's crap. It all hurts.

"I remember when I first met you, James," Eli said softly. His voice was raspy from lack of use and from having been grieving so. "Little Zeisele was going through something terrible. It was after that terrible thing with that Stan fellow."

His thoughts seemed to drift off to that dark time. It hurt him terribly to see her that day. I know it did. As suddenly as his thoughts wandered, he shook himself back.

"I watched you then. I saw how you took care of her. I saw the strength you gave her. I watched you try to shelter her with your body. I knew then that I wanted you to marry her. I knew that she would be taken care of. I knew you would see to her. If you could then you would keep her from pain. If you could not, you would see her through it and share her burden."

Uncle Eli paused again as he lifted his glass to his lips and took a drink. Then his deep brown eyes focused on me. He looked weary and wounded but he was making sure I was listening good to what he had to say next.

"I knew these things about you then. I forgot them. Please forgive me."

I saw a tear make its way down his creased face. There were more lines there than I remembered seeing just a couple weeks before at the party.

"Uncle Eli, there is nothing to forgive."

* * *

><p><strong>This was not an easy chapter to write and I, once again, must give great thanks to my dearest Beulah for helping me with it. She has the best eye for what isn't needed and what needs more fleshing out!<strong>

**I hope this was at least up to par. Let me know what you think. - J**


	106. Chapter 106

It took a while before I felt good about Joanie making that drive out to the firm by herself. She was just so wounded. I knew she'd be alright once she got to work. Everyone there was still hurting and would see to her. But the drive…I just wasn't sure she'd pay attention enough to get herself there safe.

Her grief had her so distracted. I came home one night to a houseful of smoke. She'd put supper in the oven and forgot all about it.

It could have been worse if I hadn't gotten home when I did. We lost a pan and the house smelled smoky for a while. But I just ordered pizza and we were fine.

Before Aaron died, she would have gotten all apologetic about such a mishap. I honestly think she didn't even know it had happened.

I guess she got a little better over the next couple of weeks and in time I didn't freeze in fear every time the phone rang during the day. I was so scared for a while that there would be a call that she'd been in an accident. She survived somehow.

I guess I must've been feeling better because on a particular Friday in early February, the phone rang in my office and I didn't panic. I just answered.

"Jimmy," Sam's voice inquired sounding strained.

"Hey Sam," I said trying to sound easy even though his tone made me feel anything but easy. "What's up?"

"I can't remember Emma's favorite flower," he said, his voice becoming suddenly panicked. "Do you know?"

"Uh…lilies, I think," I answered. "What's going on?"

"I just don't think I can go home without flowers for her."

"Why are you coming home at this time of d-"

I stopped short.

"Where are you? Is there someplace close we can meet up for a cup of coffee?"

He wasn't far from me as it turned out. He was at the flower shop where I often bought Florence flowers when I snapped at her…or for Mother's Day…or her birthday. The same one where I would sometimes pick up some roses after school to take home to my girl.

I took an early lunch and headed out to meet up with him.

I found him standing stiffly outside the coffee shop we'd agreed to meet at. He brightened a little when he saw me but I don't think I'd seen him look quite so scared since the night Jesse'd run off.

We went inside and I ordered us a couple sandwiches and some coffee. Then I turned my attention to Sam.

"Algiers Motel?" I asked and he nodded looking weary.

"They let the officers involved recant their confessions, Jimmy. What else was I supposed to do?"

"Have you talked to Emma about this? That this is what might happen?"

He nodded.

"I don't think she was too happy about it."

"She married a man with integrity and principles. I know her well enough to know that she wouldn't want you to change," I told him. "Even wasn't strong enough to stick with something like that. When things got hard, he checked out. She needs to know you're a man who won't do that."

"Jimmy, I did just bail because things got hard."

"Not on her you didn't bail. This is a job you've left. You can get another. You can't get a new conscience."

"I don't like the thought of facing her like this. When Emma's mad…"

I don't know the criminals Sam had faced down over the years. I do know what he faced down during the riots…and still he was afraid of Emma's wrath. I guess I could understand it. Criminals and rioters could take his life but Emma could take his life's meaning.

"You aren't going to lose her," I assured him. "She'll be upset and maybe scared at first but she'll be alright. And so will you. She might not admit it right away but I think she might even be proud of you."

"You think?"

I nodded.

"You'll even be more of a hero to Jesse than you already are."

Sam chuckled.

"You should have seen it," he said. "My Lieutenant told me what was up. I argued and he said that was just the way it was going to be. I pulled out my badge and gun and put them down…hard…right in the middle of his desk. And then I just turned and walked out."

"Sounds like something right out of a movie," I said. I was kind of in awe of him right then.

"I wish," he said. "The movies never show the cop that quits on principle having to break the news to their wives or trying to find a new job before they run out of money for the mortgage."

"One thing at a time," I said. "First, let's go back over to the flower shop and pick up some lilies. Talking this out with your wife is going to go a lot better if she lets you in the house."

"Once I'm in the door, what do I say?" he asked.

"Emma's a smart lady," I reminded him. "I'm sure she saw this coming."

"Seeing it coming and having it arrive are two different things. Especially now that we have Michael to take care of too."

"Well, let's you and me sort some stuff. How long can you guys get by on your savings? Remember there's some money available for taking care of Michael…Noah did provide for that."

"I don't want to touch that money, Jimmy," Sam said forcefully. "That money is for Michael. I want as much of it still there for his schooling as possible. We owe Noah that much."

"So the savings then," I said. "How long can that last?"

"Three months," he answered. "Four, if we're real careful."

"Emma's a careful lady so that gives you four months to find a job," I said. "You've got how long in with the force?"

"Fifteen years," he answered and I think he was perking up a little seeing where this was going. "'Bout half that with a detective's shield."

"Seems to me a man with your qualifications won't have trouble getting another job," I reassured him. "If nothing else, you could get your PI license."

He frowned a little at that. I think he knew being a PI wasn't like it is in books and movies and on TV. Sure Paul Drake had an exciting life but not everyone can work for Perry Mason.

"Detroit ain't the only city needing law enforcement either," I reminded him.

He sort of shook his head.

"Emma won't want to consider moving at least until Jesse's graduated."

Jesse was only a junior that year so taking a job at a town outside of Detroit wasn't going to be a solution for over a year.

"You'll think of something," I said clapping Sam on the shoulder. "And whatever you fear now, I know Emma will stand behind you while you do it."

I think he felt a little better then. At least he felt brave enough to head for home and I went back to my office to deal with the last minute end of the week crises at school. Some things are even more certain than death and taxes.

I don't know how telling Emma went exactly. I know Emma seemed a little tense on Sunday when we all gathered there for dinner. She didn't say much about it. I know Sam wasn't saying much either.

Oddly enough, I had to chuckle. It was funny that Jesse knew enough to not bring it up but the way he looked at Sam that day. If Sam had opened his shirt to reveal a big ol' 'S' on his chest, I don't think Jesse would have looked more in awe of the man. Jesse had always loved Sam and been grateful for how willing Sam was to take him in. But now Sam was Marshal Dillon and Captain America all rolled into one.

Driving home from Sam and Emma's that evening, I got to really thinking about them. Sure neither of them said a word and there was obviously a giant elephant in the corner they were both trying to avoid talking about. Emma looked tired that day...worn in a way I hadn't seen in her before.

But there was more to them that day than the fear and weariness. Emma actually dished Sam's food before setting the serving dishes on the table to be passed around. She touched him every time she passed him. Nothing really overt but just resting her hand lightly on his arm, patting his shoulder. And with every touch, I could see Sam growing a little stronger and more confident.

She might be scared and upset but she knew she married a good man who would come through for her and the kids. With every touch and small gesture, she was letting him know that too.

Sam and Emma were going to be fine. It might take some time and that time might get a little lean but they'd be stronger for it in the long run.

I'm not going to say I quit worrying about Sam and Emma but they didn't really need me to worry for them so I didn't spend a lot of time on it. I had students to see to and Sherry to look out for. I did promise Billy after all.

Sherry was doing pretty good though. I was proud of her. She had herself a job in one of the labs over at U of M. Emma watched the baby during the day. I know Sherry missed Billy something terrible but she was getting along. She'd been a solitary sort for years and it didn't take her all that long, I guess, to go back to the independent woman she'd been when I met her.

I still looked in on her from time to time and I made a point to talk to her, just the two of us, any Sunday that she was at Emma and Sam's. Joanie went over after work sometimes to help her with the baby and they'd go out to lunch a lot of Saturdays. They were really close friends. Sometimes those random roommate assignments you get in your freshman year really stick. U of M got it right with those two.

I was also keeping an eye on Kid. He wasn't doing well at all. It was hard for him to go from a little cage in the jungle to winter in Detroit. He did go and work for Al though and I thought that was a good thing. Al could understand things I could only try to. That hurt me some that I couldn't really be there as much for him as I wanted to but at least he had someone who sort of understood. And he could feel like he wasn't leaving Lou to do everything alone anymore. He was bringing in some money too.

But in his head and I think even in his heart and soul…he wasn't whole anymore and that was hard. It was hard to see and I'll never truly grasp how hard it must have been to live.

Well, about a week after I had that chat with Sam, there was a peace march over in Ann Arbor. Joanie took Kid just like she said she would. I just went along with it. I think I thought it would force him to confront things he was avoiding and maybe spur him to healing or something.

I'd had something to do earlier so I didn't go with them. By afternoon, or really closer to evening, I was just reading for the hell of it. Maybe it wasn't as much just for the hell of it though. I always felt that with the age group I worked with that it was good to read whatever came out new that was focused at them. Just the year before a book by a young lady from Tulsa came out. The Outsiders. Pretty good book too. I was lounging on the couch with it when I heard Joanie's car pull into the drive.

She came in and I could tell something wasn't right with her. She just stopped once she got into the living room and looked at me. She had something to say and she didn't know how to say it.

"What's wrong?" I asked. She needed some prodding. I could tell.

Joanie opened her mouth but nothing came out at first. Then the tears started.

"I'm sorry," she cried. "I thought it would help. He really wanted to go. He hadn't wanted to do anything until this. I had no idea…"

"What happened, Joanie?" I asked and there was an edge to my voice.

"He…well…he was wearing his army jacket…you know, like he always does now. And he's on his crutches because his leg was acting up and…Oh James…it was terrible!"

"Joanie," I said even stronger, "What happened?"

"Someone figured out that he's a veteran…suddenly no one was chanting for peace or singing peace songs…they called him a murderer…they called him a rapist, James! They spat on him! I led him out as fast as I could but it was hard getting through the crowd. He didn't say anything to me on the way home. I am so sorry!"

"Is he okay?" I asked.

"I'm so sorry," was all she whispered back.

"Joanie!" I yelled. She jumped. I should have felt bad about that but I didn't. "Is Kid alright? Is he hurt?"

She shook her head.

"No…he's not hurt. I thought I was helping him. I…I know what he means to you…I just wanted to help. I…nothing goes quite right…"

I brushed swiftly past her not evening acknowledging her. I just left my sweet Joanie standing in the middle of the living room crying as I ran to the phone and called Lou. I knew Kid wouldn't answer the phone.

It was actually Theresa who answered. I think in retrospect I'm glad she did.

"Hey Jimmy," she said and she didn't sound very upset. If Kid was in a real bad way, she would have been the one wallowing in the drama of it.

"Is he okay?" I asked breathlessly. "I don't know what she was thinking."

"I think he's a little shaken," she said softly. I think there was someone else in the room or close by that she didn't want hearing. "But not too bad. I think a part of him thinks it's what he deserves. I don't know why but that's what it looks like to me."

"I'm sorry, kiddo," I said and my voice might've cracked a little. "You tell your sister that too."

"I will Jimmy. By the way, how's Joanie doing?" she asked.

"Fine," I replied with a clipped edge in my voice.

"Oh... well, umm...good. 'Cause I was worried. I saw her when she dropped Kid off. She looked pretty messed up. She shouldn't blame herself. Some people are just dumb, Jimmy...it's not her fault."

I suddenly didn't feel very good. I mean, I wasn't doing all that well hearing that Kid had gone through such a thing. But I got real sick feeling when I thought of how I just blew off my girl when she was crying. I got off the phone with Theresa and went back to the living room. She wasn't there.

I hadn't heard the door close while I was on the phone. I was too wrapped up in worrying about Kid. I guess it wasn't bad to worry about him. But the fact was that he had two women looking out for him. Two strong women at that. Joanie had no one but me and I wasn't doing a very good job at all.

I saw her in the driveway struggling with her car keys. I'm glad she had locked it actually. She was too upset to unlock it and I would have hated for her to be out driving in the shape she was in.

"Joanie, honey," I said as I got close to her. I could see her shoulders shaking and hear the whimpers as she sobbed and got more and more frustrated trying to get the key into the lock. It didn't help that it was the wrong key. I think she was trying to jam her office key into the car door. "I'm sorry."

She shook her head almost violently.

"No," she said resolutely. "I messed it all up. I hurt him. I just thought...I should have known. I failed my own brother and now I'm failing yours."

She accentuated her words with a strangled cry as she threw her keys weakly at the car window. They fell harmless on the frozen cement.

I bent down and picked up the keys and then moved closer to Joanie and picked her up too. I cradled her close to me and began walking toward the house.

"What are you doing, James?" she sniffled.

"It don't happen often, but you're dead wrong," I said. "I fully intend to argue this out with you but I'm not going to do it in front of nosy Mrs. Crayton across the street while we both freeze half to death."

It turns out she heard part of my conversation with Theresa. Not any good part of it either. But I think we were kind of alright before we turned in that night. I got her to quit crying and she even cuddled up to me so I must've done something right.

The next day we went over to Emma and Sam's like normal. But nothing felt normal. Sherry was somewhere else that day. I can't remember if her sister came to visit her or what but she wasn't there with the baby.

Joanie was trying to avoid Kid and I think even more trying to avoid Lou. Kid seemed off, though I don't even know how I could tell. I had no idea what normal was for him anymore. Lou just looked sad and there was such a distance between them. Kid spent part of the afternoon on the porch with Al. Colder than hell it was that day and Kid still couldn't handle being indoors too much. Emma and Sam were almost chilly to each other. I don't know what it was about. I didn't ask. I knew they had things to work through and if either of them had needed my help, they would have asked for it.

I wasn't sure how long the strain would go on between all of us but I didn't like it. This was all I ever knew of family and it seemed to be falling apart.

I made it through another week. School was rough as usual. The kids...sometimes it just seemed there wasn't enough I could do for them. Nothing seemed to make anything any better. Joanie was back to working herself near to death. I don't think I saw her without her nose in a book or a brief all week.

When we went back to Emma's the following week, I have to admit things felt less strained. I still think Sam was feeling stressed about trying to find a new job and Emma was resolving to make the best of it but it was hard on her. I know they both feared they wouldn't be able to take care of the kids. Those children, all three of them, were everything to them.

Joanie wasn't hiding as much that week. I think she even talked to Lou. I know Lou didn't hold it against Joanie what happened. Kid didn't either.

Despite all the hard stuff Lou was going through, there was a light in her that day. She just seemed to sparkle. I should have known that look but I didn't recognize it until she cleared her throat about halfway through dinner.

We all looked at her and she kind of blushed and looked over to Kid before talking.

"Me and Kid have some news," she said and looked over to him again. He even smiled at her. It was good to see. I hadn't seen too many smiles from him since he'd been home. But he looked genuinely happy. Almost like he used to.

"We're going to have a baby!"

* * *

><p><strong>So yeah...that happened. <strong>

**I regret to inform that my already sporadic updating of stories is about to get worse. I am starting school next month. It was far too long in coming and I would not have been able to do it without my mom totally having my back. But...most of my already scant writing time will probably be taken by my comp class...and then in the fall I have another comp class and a lit class...but I have to do this for me and for my family. I won't stop writing...I just wanted to warn that I might not be able to write as much or as often.**

**I will say, however, that I finally have the next pie story mapped out. Rachel's pie. I have been given an idea for Jesse to get a slice of pie too and we'll just have to see if that turns into anything. Rachel's might be the last but it might not either.**

**As always, I want to thank those who have stuck with me through this very long and tumultuous journey. And all the ladies at the plus for their never-ending support...and dear Beulah specifically who helped this chapter become worthy of anyone seeing it. Keep watching for an update from her on Rock Creek High as well as a new and spooky story she's writing featuring Ike...both are still a little ways off but you will be rewarded for patience!**

**Love you all and let me know what you think! Kisses, J**


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